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PENNE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

 

There has been yet further disappointment for John Hamill at the Equality Tribunal. The Atheist Ireland crusader had taken a complaint against Dublin City Council on grounds of religious discrimination under the Equal Status Act.

Hamill, who claims to be an “ordained Minister in the Congregationalist Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”, insists that he was excluded from participation in Dublin’s Interfaith Charter established in 2017 to “promote dialogue” in the city.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster arose as a minor internet prank in the mid-2000s and has been taken up as a rallying cause by nerds the world over. Essentially a pseudo religion intended to show up the absurdities and privileges often enjoyed by organised faith.

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WHY I-RES SHOULD END THE CANADIANS’ SWEET DEALS
Margaret Sweeney

I-Res Irish CEO Margaret Sweeney 

IRELAND’S HOUSING crisis has provided opportunities for certain players, notably Irish Residential Properties Reit (I-Res), where the Canadian founders have been doing very well for themselves, not least courtesy of lucrative management service contracts. 

Read more in the latest issue. 

And if that’s not enough, you can read even more about I-Res here free of charge. 

Who is saying what to whom?
Eurovision-competition

You decide! The funniest caption will receive a prize of….

Prize-winner will announced on this page on Friday, 17 May. Closing date: Thursday, 16 May, 5pm.

FAILTE MEDIAHUIS
Independent House

While shareholders may have taken a bruising this week, press reactions to the takeover at Independent News & Media were broadly optimistic. Commentators were keen to emphasise the business acumen of Mediahuis and their “focus on quality journalism”. However, it wasn’t all plain sailing for the Belgian publisher which had some INM-type battles of its own. 

The Irish Independent reports that Mediahuis “continues its rapid expansion” while the Irish Times announced the arrival of “one of Europe’s fastest growing media groups”. The company was invariably described as an international group despite the Dublin takeover being their first foray outside of its Benelux heartland. Continue reading

MADURO’S IRISH CRITICS
Nicolas Maduro

Exactly who were the Venezuelans so “enraged” by Clare Daly’s comments on the troubled country, according to a recent Sunday Times article?

One is Luis Alvarez, a Dublin-based supporter of the self-declared, US-backed president of Venezuela, Juan Guaido. Alvarez is also described in the piece by ST journalist Rosanna Cooney as a member of the Venezuelan Community in Ireland (VCI).

Read more in the latest issue out now. And you can find out more about the VCI here for free. 

DALKEY TIDY TOWNS WILL ‘SHOOT ON SIGHT’
Phoenix Dalkey

Dalkey Tidy Towns volunteers say they will implement a “zero tolerance” approach to intrusive election posters on its territory as it hardens its stance against what it calls the “greatest threat to civilisation since chewing gum”.

Speaking at the opening of a new window display yesterday, a spokesman for the group vowed to “go in with all guns blazing” if any posters appear within a ‘no posters’ zone.

“Be under no illusions, our volunteers will immediately seek out and destroy any unwarranted posters that intrude on Dalkey territory. That includes both local and European-based incursions,” he said.

The warning comes amidst reports of Dalkey Tidy Towns members openly carrying pliers and bin bags on the streets of the town ahead of visiting adjudicators.

Politicians of all parties and none have called for restraint, especially when it comes to using glue.


Spillane vs Ring

BOYNE DECLINES TO BACK DOWN
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My Brother’s Name is Jessica author John Boyne has hit back at online criticism levelled at him following his Irish Times article about gender in which he rejected certain labels.

“A lot of people may not like how I describe myself, but I am a man who has written for the Irish Times and that’s just how it is”, he said. “Some people may not like that I am similar in certain ways to people like Fintan O’Toole, David McWilliams or Una Mullally but that’s no reason to threaten me with violence!

“It hasn’t been easy for me either. I wish we could have a civilised discussion about it instead.”

MEDICAL MATTERS
Medical Matters

Meghan Markle

A Doctor Writes:

EARLY morning sickness, or Nausea Meghanonia Normalis to give it its correct medical title, is a highly contagious condition currently associated with the tabloid press.

Usually, the patient suddenly becomes violently sick as a result of being exposed to yet another inane feature about the pregnancy of the Duchess of Sussex, or Princess Markle of Sparkle to use the proper Royal terminology. Symptoms are likely to deteriorate during the run-up to the royal birth when crass headlines, such as “Glowing Meghan – What A Scrummy Mummy”, will almost certainly result in acute queasiness.

If you are suffering from morning sickness, you should stop taking the tabloids immediately or at least consider reading one of the other daily newspapers.

THE FEARGAL QUINN WHO KNEW ME
Feargal Quinn

By Kian Ing

THERE are very few people that the entire Irish population take to their hearts even though they might only have seen them on television. Feargal Quinn was one such person.

Like everyone else who didn’t know the charismatic entrepreneur directly, I believe that I am better placed than most in thinking that I knew him in a unique way – simply as an ordinary weekly shopper in my local Superquinn store.

Excellent communication skills, judgement, insight… these are all essential qualities that a regular consumer needs these days – and I think I had all of these and more beside.

As someone who felt close to Feargal, I was naturally saddened when I took a quick glance at his Wikipedia page and found full details of his meteoric rise to the top.

He always said that there was a special bond between the shopkeeper and paying customer – and I think I understood exactly what he meant. Sadly, he will never see my likes again.


Spotify Bundee

ASTI CONFERENCE REPORT
ASTI Logo

IMPORTANT ISSUES DISCUSSED IN WEXFORD

Substance Abuse

Substance abuse – recognising it and addressing it:
Most delegates agreed substance abuse symptoms were easily recognisable, whether by red rings around the eyes, an inability to concentrate, nodding off mid-sentence etc. It was recommended that a two-week suspension should apply, with a substitute teacher brought in as cover.

Sports

Supervising sports:  
Given the benefits of sports activities, it was unanimously adopted that every teacher had an obligation to supervise at least three events a year from a list to contain Cheltenham, Wimbledon, the British Open, the Euros & World Cup and the Summer Olympics.

Joe McHugh 
Wellbeing:  
All agreed that the roast lamb to the slaughter with stuffed McHugh left an excellent aftertaste and… (That’s enough tough education – Ed.)

NOTRE-DAME – MY HEARTACHE
Quasimodo

by Phil Space

Just a few short weeks after the terrible inferno raged through the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame, I have now had time to process this momentous event and come to terms with what has been a life-changing experience.

Who could ever forget the crowds of distraught Parisians who gathered to pray and sing plaintive hymns beside the crumbling edifice?

I recall visiting the famous landmark on a school trip when I was 12. This has made the horrendous conflagration all the more poignant.

I had thought of taking the full week off work, but decided to soldier on through the heartache and come into the office on the Thursday afternoon. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy.  
So despite the unbearable anguish, I can finally see through my tears to a brighter future, with even more tourists flocking to Paris to take selfies outside the charred building and choke on centuries-old dust.

Thankfully, all is not lost.


JOE BIDEN’S POWER GRAB

FIANNA FÁIL GAINS FROM ZELENSKY’S SUCCESS
Zelensky

By Barrel O’Laughs

Opinion polls showing a surge in support for Fianna Fáil is “probably down to the success of comedian Volodymyr Zelensky” in Ukraine’s presidential election, according to analysts.

Said one seasoned commentator, “It was utterly unthinkable only two weeks ago, but Irish people now feel a bit more assured about trusting a comedy act with high politics.”

In Wicklow, one voter with a devotion to Monty Python agreed. “If a tinderbox country on the Russian border feels secure having a joker in charge, then why shouldn’t a former health minister turned juggler running round in circles be capable?! Although personally, I find Brendan Howlin does better slapstick.”


Jack - Hot Easter

BIG HELLO! HIGHLIGHTS
hello logo
  • Michael Ring taking the biscuit 
  • Long-lost brothers reigniting their feud 
  • Thousands still waiting for broadband 
  • Fine Gael trying to make hay 
  • John Delaney getting barbecued 
  • Village idiot irritating locals (Enda Kenny)
  • Pat Spillane getting dumped 
  • People realising why they stopped talking to their neighbours in the first place

    Phoenix ATM

OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER FAVOURITES
Ole Gunnar

Favourite film: Crash 
Favourite song: Free Fallin’, Tom Petty 
Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm 
Favourite exercise: Nose-dive 
Favourite food: Crumble 
Favourite hobby: Hitting the skids 
Favourite fruit: Lemon 
Favourite utensil: Flash in the pan 
Favourite vehicle: Tank 
Favourite animal: Swanny


Leo Film Poster

A GUIDE TO IRISH BIRDS
clare daily

1. Claire Dalyus Europaus

While native to Ireland, Dalyus is hoping to nestle down in Brussels for a few years and avoid the hard winters in Fingal. Critics claim her once-proud red plumage has faded and this has resulted in her having to survive on scraps from the media.

Delaney outus

2. Delaney Outus

Instinctively knows how to featherbed and it has been suggested that he urgently needs to have his wings clipped. Very unlikely to leave his current position until he gets his claws on a large nest egg or is granted safe sanctuary in Europe.

john boyne

3. Johnus Boyneus

Was told to wind his neck in having been accused of sticking his beak into areas he knows very little about. His signature tweets have decreased in recent times and this could effect his ability to hawk his new book and earn some bread.

Paddy cosgrave

4. Cosgraveus Idiotus

This notorious bird brain has a reputation for taking flight without warning and is renowned for his ability to pump out his chest. Migrated to Portugal some years ago, but occasionally returns to Ireland to ruffle feathers.


Festy 05-03-19