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PULLING OUT: Leo is keen to avoid the fate of his buddy Macron who has pulled out of many of his election promises and suffered in the polls
By Con Jugal
MOST TDs are now using the political withdrawal method to protect their own backsides, according to a shocking new report. Survey findings show most deputies completely withdraw from all pre-election promises on entering office, opting instead to run-up big bills in the Dáil bar at the taxpayer’s expense.
“This is hugely worrying as most TDs will hop into bed with colleagues at the drop of a hat,” said the report writer. “Most of them want to take the electorate for a ride rather than committing to serious work. Their risky behaviour has given birth to countless disasters.”
As usual, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar was available for comment last night and said TDs had to “get their house in order and stop pulling out of commitments as soon they require the slightest bit of effort.”
Those metal Luas boxes
This Week – ‘Bray’
1. (Noun) The largest town in Co Wicklow
2. (Verb) To utter a loud, harsh sound like a donkey or mule.
“the chairman brayed insanely”
1. (Noun) Person who travels aimlessly without any direction or purpose
2. (Verb – to wander) To think or speak incoherently or illogically
Spare a thought for poor Kevin (his real name). This arch contrarian suddenly disappeared from the pages of an English-owned Sunday newspaper some weeks ago following a disagreement with his employer.
A search of several newspapers and a handful of well-known comics such as the Daily Mail and Sunday Telegraph have failed to unearth any sign of the journo as yet.
Former colleagues feel he may struggle to survive in the real world and could disappear off the radar forever if not found a new job very quickly.
Kevin’s male friends say he may have been struggling with “religion issues” before his disappearance and may also have had “a problem with women”.
Kevin is described as usually wearing a smug grin and a condescending air. He wears boots a little too small for him and may have been carrying a huge chip on his shoulder when he disappeared.
If you see any sign of Kevin writing a column please, please warn everyone immediately.
I unwaveringly support demands for equality. But we must first ascertain that these “high achieving” women are “clean”. How many have pinprick marks on the skin above a main artery?
– Paul Kimmage
Fair enough but ’tish a proven fact dat God gave min stronger arms than wimmin for tarrin’ roads an’ savin’ hay fasht! So there has to be exceptions to de rool no matter wat dem shmart alecs above in Dubbelin tell oo!
– Danny Healy-Rae
By all means pay women equally, especially if they are good lookin’. That doesn’t mean I’m que… er, homosexual by any means, of course. Make sure you write that down after it. And Roy knows where you live by the way.
– Martin O’Neill
The row over anti-semitic stereotypes sums up dysfunctional hack
FAR BE it from me to defend that opinionated know-all Kevin Myers for whom I have always felt nothing but unreserved contempt.
The reason for this is so simple that even the stupidest individual can understand it. All through his tedious career, he has courted controversy by indulging in breathtakingly ill-informed views on cultural and social issues.
Myers has made a name of sorts for himself, thanks to his interminable rants against Irish nationalists, self-confessed Africans, unmarried mothers, mealy-mouthed liberals and turtleneck-wearing gayboys.
As the master of my own soul, I have always agreed with his weekly diatribes in which he droned on about ignorant oiks who eat crisps for breakfast and know nothing whatsoever about British military history.
There are a great many things one would have expected to come from the pen of Myers but one would never have countenanced anti-semitic stereotyping from a man that once wrote: “There was no holocaust.”
But there is no denying that he was the most boring columnist who ever lived and everyone loved to be outraged by him – particularly as everything he wrote was for the edification of illiterate proles. To his credit, it must also be acknowledged that he certainly knew how to grovel when it suited his own purposes.
Surely all this is enough to damn Myers for ever as an utterly worthless and disgraced media hack without any of us having to make up a lot of ridiculous rubbish about him being a… (continues unedited for some time).
By our (social) security correspondent Hu Giv Phuk
A NORTH Korean intercontinental ballistic missile believed to have been targeting the Carlisle Grounds, home of Bray Wanderers FC, narrowly missed Bray fans (Darren and Sharren O’Looney) yesterday, eventually landing thousands of miles away in Japanese waters.
North Korean Offence Minister Up Wik Lo promised that such poor targeting would not happen again. “We are setting up a precision targeting academy that will be the envy of every army team in the world,” he said.
“People from all over, er, Korea North will want to join up. We are hoping to sell the current training facility and are confident the Chinese will help us build a new one from any, er, profits we make from the sale, once we have paid what we owe the banks and the soldiers wages.”
Responding to the incident the board of Bray Wanderers FC issued a statement the contents of which will be published once it has been translated into meaningful English.
Salutamus Brianus Cowensis, populariter appelatus “Bifficus” famosissimum premierus Hibernia tragicus pro calamati downturnicus, amicus Seani Fitzpatrickus apud neckus brassus commoni per multos annos inspiration militeri destinis et semper pissporum nonmemorabilis performensis, exempli gratia “Mourningus Irelandis” quod fatigus et emotionimius in extremis, etiam expertissimus in voodoo economicus et grovellarius obsequio nauseaticum dives hominus bastardi, ergo Fiannus Fáilis in pollis obliterate, nunc habitus in Boggis Offalyius cum annualis pensionis circa €150,000 et cetera et cetera. Sic transit gloria mundi.
THE NATIONAL LOTTERY have confirmed they are in negotiations with Theresa May to become a brand ambassador for the organisation.
The Lotto is celebrating its 30th anniversary this month and as part of a campaign they have lined up numerous celebrities to highlight the negative consequences of betting.
A spokeswoman for the Lotto said May was the ideal candidate for the position. “Theresa knows better than anyone the dangers associated with reckless gambling and irresponsible risk taking,” she claimed.
EVERYBODY MUST GO (ON HOLIDAY)
(Hurry while stocks last)
Half price. Available in very flat PAC
WOODEN BACK BENCHERS
(Slightly soiled at prospect of losing seat)
(Buy one and save your breath)
(Now in our toy dept)
TEA SHOCK SOCKS
(all the rage)
incl Smarmy (Leo), Barmy (Mick W)
and Alarmy (Gerry A)
RETURNS POLICY: Before next election for all items. After that there will be no returns for some.
EXCHANGE POLICY: No automatic exchange of seats between our Dublin and Brussels EU branches.
PEAK BREXIT: The Mourne incident comes after a similar debacle in Britain in which members of the Conservative Party (pictured) tried to climb over each other during an expedition
MOUNTAINEERING experts have urged the public to exercise caution while climbing this summer.
The plea came following an incident in the Mourne Mountains in which a group of British militants became hopelessly stranded and leaderless.
The expedition party known as the Brexiteers marched straight up the peak but couldn’t agree on how to come back down to earth.
They quickly became disorientated and lost in a cloud of confusion. Attempts to lead the Brexiteers back to safety backfired when their most enthusiastic climber, Arlene Foster, insisted that her party were following the correct path.
While several attempts have been made to lead Arlene and her team back to safety, it is thought she will be going around in circles for some time.
It’s another busy day at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Hospital master Leo Varadkar makes his first visit to patients in the semi-autonomous north-eastern wing (established 1690), in the company of local ward sister, Arlene Foster.
Varadkar: Some rough looking cases here, sister. (He notices a fat, red-faced man limp past on crutches). What happened him?
Foster: Oh that’s Sammy Wilson. He just had a wee fall.
Vardakar: Not on the Falls Road, I hope?
Foster: Gosh no – the marching season doesn’t extend to there yet, unfortunately. But we live in hope – eh Sammy?
Wilson: No surrender!
Varadkar (stopping by a patient’s bed and reading her chart): Emma Little Pengelly? Is that a name or a medical condition?
Little Pengelly: It’s a name, ye half-foreign Fenian! (She breaks into a fit of coughing).
Foster (to Varadkar): Emma’s suffering from the effects of smoke inhalation.
Varadkar: Let me guess – she was standing too near a loyalist bonfire?
Foster (primly): It’s our culture, Doctor. Don’t knock it – ACHOO! Excuse me.
Varadkar: God bless you. (He studies her a moment). I have to say, you look a bit off-colour yourself, nurse.
Foster: It’s just a wee cold .
Varadkar: There’s a terrible draft from that door over there (he points) – the one marked “Brexit”. You should probably get it insulated.
Foster (Growing annoyed): It’s fine as it is, doctor. And besides, we’re receiving a billion pounds in funding from London to put up with it. That’s more than we’ll ever get from you.
Varadkar: Well, it’s your problem, nurse. I’m not going to design a new exit for you.
Foster: I don’t care for the tone of your comments much, doctor.
Varadkar (Ignoring her and seeing Wilson return along the corridor): Here comes hopalong again. He’s a perfect metaphor for your dependence on British subvention. I just hope those support mechanisms don’t give way. (As Wilson passes, Varadkar accidentally-on-purpose kicks one of his crutches from under him).
Wilson (sprawling): Arrrgh!
Foster: That was a very unhelpful intervention, doctor.
Back in the main hospital later. Dr Varadkar chairs an emergency meeting of the board of management.
Varadkar: Ok, I think everybody’s here. Let’s start. Are you all right, Dr Coveney?
Simon Coveney: Yes – why wouldn’t I be?
Varadkar: You look a bit… green.
Coveney: Oh yeah, that. I’ve been wrapping the flag – a green one, obviously – around me lately. You must have read about it in the papers. I hear you were doing a bit of it yourself in Mrs Foster’s ward?
Varadkar: Yes, well, I had my reasons. As you’ll hear.
Frances Fitzgerald: So what’s this emergency about, Doctor?
Varadkar: I’m putting you all on an election footing.
Simon Harris: A what?
Varadkar: An election footing. It’s a medical term. Don’t they teach you anything in college these days?
Michael Ring: I knew it! I was walking through the maternity wing the other day and I had a sudden urge to kiss babies. That’s always a sure sign.
Charlie Flanagan: And I’ve been shaking hands with everybody I meet lately – complete strangers, even – and saying things like “I knew your father”.
Varadkar: Yes, that’s a classic symptom too. The outbreak is still in the early stages, of course. It could be late autumn or even spring before we see the full epidemic. But sooner or later, we’ll be dealing with election fever.
Fitzgerald: We can expect a major upsurge in MRSA cases if we’re not careful.
Varadkar: Jesus! Where did you go to med school? It’s short for “Miscellaneous Radicals, Shinners, and Anti-Austerity” people. It’s also called the vomiting bug, because if enough of those get in here, they’ll make us all sick.
Harris: So how do we protect ourselves?
Varadkar: Well, (he nods to Coveney), wrapping yourself in the green flag regularly is a proven defence. And good old soap and water works too. Although, speaking of water, we need to avoid all contact with water protesters and other undesirables in the coming months.
Harris: Even if they need treatment?
Varadkar: Especially if they need treatment. Which, let’s face it, friends of Paul Murphy mostly do. (Laughter)
Harris: But what about the Hippocratic Oath?
Varadkar: In accordance with standard practice, once a full-blown election fever is declared, the Hippocratic Oath will be suspended in favour of the Democratic one.
Harris: What does that say?
Varadkar: Tell him Doctor Ring.
Ring: You’ve heard of “post-truth”, sonny? Well this is posterior-truth. Before you can save anybody else (he stands up and pats his backside), you have to save your own arse first.
Eden: Paradise Lost — Ch4, 9PM: Documentary about a failed reality series. A group of contestants stranded in the Talbot Street wilds turn on each other as factionalism, egotism and a visit from the director of corporate enforcement tears the INM AGM apart. Savage.
Icarus — Netflix Ireland: Donald Trump originally set out to establish if what they said about the Moscow Ritz-Carlton was a true but a chance encounter with a Russian agent transformed his documentary into a geopolitical thriller. Nauseating.
FIFA has confirmed that the following players have been released from their clubs ahead of the new season:
Kevin Myers – West Ham
The Gentile giant thrilled fans with his frenetic attacks along the right-wing and he has never shied away from tackling Johnny Foreigner. However, his unwise comments on the salaries of BBC’s female pundits meant the Londoners had no choice but to terminate his contract. Myers has ruled out joining Maccabi Tel Aviv.
Anthony Scaramucci – DC United
The veteran Italian promised to bring order and structure to a notoriously leaky DC side but his forthright assessment of his new teammates’ abilities meant he was sent on gardening leave almost immediately. DC’s new manager, John Kelly, told reporters Scaramucci was sent straight back on a plane to Syria (“Serie A”, surely – Ed)
Stephen Donnelly – Bray Wanderers
This unapologetic journeyman has failed to impress fans since his high profile transfer at the beginning of the year and he has struggled to acclimatise to the unique culture that still prevails at the club. While he is highly regarded by the manager, his relationship with fellow squad members and the media is poor and it’s believed he is halfway out the door already.
Favourite song: Take This Job and Shove It, Johnny Paycheck
Favourite film: Under Siege
Favourite TV show: Jim’ll Fix It
Favourite food: Hot Potato
Favourite actor: Tyrone Power
Favourite band: Fight Like Apes
Favourite book: The Little Book of Quitting
Favourite toy: Trolls
Favourite colour: Marooned
Favourite organisation: Anonymous
by Our Sports Staff Phil Boots
SHOCKING news emerged yesterday when it was revealed that a highly-paid professional footballer has moved to another club for a record transfer fee.
On other pages
• Bears moving into woods to defecate
• Pope Francis has no plans to leave the Vatican
• Beach pics of footballer’s stunning girlfriend
HURLING ABUSE: Young men (pictured) will take to Twitter over the coming weeks to make their voices heard
THOUSANDS of hurling fans are eagerly anticipating the start of the Premier League as the annual crossover period – where the two sports collide in the calendar – begins.
With the “best league in the world” set to kick off this weekend, eager fans of the small ball code have been busy preparing their holier than thou tweets and Facebook posts about how “boring” soccer is compared to hurling.
“I don’t know how anyone can watch soccer after the Cork-Waterford semi” is expected to trend on Twitter.
“Imagine them lads playing hurling” should also feature.
“If that happened on a hurling field, he’d just get on with it” is also a seasonal favourite.
One hurling fan said: “This is our favourite time of the year. We get the chance to kick another sport just after our Cúchulainnian heroes knock seven shades out of each other. West Brom v Bournemouth, who’d watch that shit?”
ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are up in arms over the amount of waste being dumped in the Sunday Independent. The alarming case has seen large amounts of rubbish being dumped in the news and op-ed pages, with the pollution rapidly spreading to the lifestyle section.
“You have to wade through it,” said one outraged environmentalist. “On any given Sunday, you might have Brendan O’Connor on the front page and Eoghan Harris inside. The smell of bullshit is overpowering and only gets worse when you go inside, with loads of garbage about Rosanna Davison and Paul Galvin.”
The Sindo is currently being monitored by an environmental watchdog, and is believed to be in danger of severe sanction if any Barry Egan columns appear in the forthcoming weeks.
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