MAYO FANS: UP THE CURSE!
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet another All-Ireland final. After two weeks of journalists suspending all… Read more »
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PAUL WILLIAMS: TIMES READERS ARE SCUM!
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers and the people who write this guff are a serious… Read more »
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NO TORTURE USED IN SEARCH FOR FITZY JURORS
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former Anglo Irish Chairman Seán ‘Fitzy’ Fitzpatrick. The move follows worldwide… Read more »
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Water protesters to strike!
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott. “Ever since the water charges were postponed as a result… Read more »
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Garda and nurses unions meet their match
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place in the Ierne Ballroom, scene of many a romantic get… Read more »
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CITIZENS ASSEMBLY TO REPRESENT ALL KNOWN SECTIONS OF IRISH SOCIETY
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
8% Catholics 5% Irish Non-Catholics 7% Irish Lesbians 2% Under-25 practising Catholic 3% Non-Irish Catholic lesbians 8% Irish Black Anglican gay sexist 13% Non-Irish Catholic trans-gender hurlers 15% Left-handed gay Irish Asian-born fishermen 5% Convicted Irish homophobic atheists 11% Black-Polish overcharging heterosexual plumbers 9% Over-60’s agnostic reformed drug-pusher-turned-farmer 1% George Hook
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BOXERS ARE A BET OF A JOKE
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
THE Olympic Council of Ireland have been severely reprimanded for failing to instruct the Irish boxing team how betting works. The reprimand comes after boxer Steven Donnelly placed a bet on his opponent to win their bout but then went and won the fight, thus losing out on a nice payday. “I’m raging,” said Donnelly…. Read more »
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ADAMS: SPY GUY LIED
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
TRUSTED SOURCES: Just some of the reliable characters that BBC Spotlight interviewed for their exposé THIS YEAR’S annual ‘Gerry Adams murdered someone’ media bonanza has fizzled out. The Sinn Féin leader laughed off the latest ‘exclusive sensations’ that he was involved in the murder of informer Denis Donaldson. “I was worried that they had me… Read more »
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Enda: “Blah, Blah, all island discussion, Blah”
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events by Our Political Staff Martin Wail TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote. “The new forum will be open to all interested parties who will be… Read more »
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Loyalist group: “BRING BACK MARY BERRY”
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a UFO spokesman told reporters: “Mary is a national treasure who… Read more »
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Glove off for US Golfers
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
US GOLFERS have won the Ryder Cup despite claims that their fans did it for them. The much better American side defeated the off-the-pace Europeans fair and square despite claims to the contrary by Rory McIlroy and Danny Willett. “They can piss and moan all they want,” said one American golfer, drinking a celebratory Arnold… Read more »
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Big Sam rues chance to fail
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
SAM ALLARDYCE says that his biggest regret will be not being able to bomb out at a major tournament as England manager. “As a young man I looked up to the likes of Graham Taylor and Steve McClaren,” said Allardyce. “Later I was inspired by Fabio Capello and Roy Hodgson. “Now I’ll never get the… Read more »
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Crime figures soar to record low
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
RELAXED POLICING: The Garda spa retreat in Templemore where all crime figures are massaged before release to the public by Our Crime Reporter Nick Nobody The GARDA Commissioner, Noírín O’Sullivan has welcomed the latest crime statistics as evidence of an astonishing breakthrough in the continuing war against law-breaking throughout Ireland. “Over the past year, we have… Read more »
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That dublin theatre festival schedule in full
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
A Comedy of Errors: Slapstick and farce all the way as two identical parties, separated at the birth of a nation, end up at a later stage trying to agree a government. Fantastic frolic but far too bloody long. The Field: John B Keano’s tense portrayal of a demented man’s determination to defend his goals… Read more »
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High-powered nerds to head NAMA probe
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
EXPERTS: The investigative team will include such brilliant minds as your man. You know your man. Your man that does be on the news sometimes. THE Government has promised a full-scale inquiry, “with bearded economists and everything”, into NAMA’s handling of its Northern Ireland loan portfolio. Following the publication of the Comptroller and Auditor General’s… Read more »
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Mayo fans to leave no sheep unpainted
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
EWE’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING: Michelle Mulherin has expressed deep upset that these painted sheep got tickets for the replay ahead of her MAYO FANS have vowed to leave “no sheep unpainted” in a show of support ahead of the All-Ireland final replay. Many supporters felt they left their “A game’”behind them in the build-up… Read more »
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HICKEY SLAMS GAA TICKET POLICY
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Ian De Post BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey has joined criticism of the GAA’s practice of supplying All-Ireland tickets to TDs, labelling it “beyond belief” and “like something out of the 1960s”. Speaking outside a police station in Brazil, the veteran sports administrator said sending out tickets directly in envelopes not only risked them… Read more »
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Blueshirt lackey: Mojo is bad Juju
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
CAR CRASH POLITICS: Pile-up caused when politician was distracted by ‘Mojo A FINE Gael politician has called for a recently released mobile game, Pokomojo, to be banned amid fears that “sooner or later some eejit is going to lead a lot of people over a cliff trying to get hold of it”. Kerry TD Brendan… Read more »
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‘Don’t panic, there’s another one coming,’ promise unions.
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Unions engaging in strike action at Dublin Bus say commuters who have missed the last few strike actions should “stay calm and wait for the next one”. The current work pattern has left commuters deeply frustrated however. “You wait all your life for a strike and then 24 of them come along at once!” complained… Read more »
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PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIP COMPETITION WINNERS:
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Riding on the Pigs Back – Farmer Mulherin Milking it – Farmer Halligan Running out the Gate – Farmer Donnelly Making Hay While Sun Shines – Farmer Apple Digging a Deeper Hole – Farmer Noonan Reaping What He Sowed – Farmer Hickey (Subject to inquiry) Prize Turnips – Nama Co-op Making Horse’s Collar – Dublin… Read more »
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Goldhawk Book Review
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
THIS first novel by James Joyce traces the political and intellectual awakening of young “Stephen Donnelly”– an allusion to Daedalus, the consummate “crafty man” of Greek mythology (Surely “craftsman”? – Ed) Joyce paints Stephen as an ambitious and ruthlessly self-seeking politician who questions and rebels against Irish political party conventions under which he has grown, culminating in his… Read more »
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PAUL WILLIAMS: LISTENERS ARE SCUM!
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
BIGGEST FAN: Gangland boss John G–illigan is said to be an avid listener of Williams’s show (Surely “only listener” – Ed) NEWSTALK HOST Paul Williams has branded all the people who don’t listen to his show as “scum”. The crime writer has taken over the microphone from Ivan Yates for Newstalk’s breakfast show but listeners… Read more »
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Topical Words
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: “Cook” 1. To subject or be subjected to intense heat: the government cooked under pressure. 2. to generate a controversy; to cook up a storm. 3. To spoil something. See also cooker:… Read more »
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James Reilly’s vintage car collection
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Fine Gael deputy leader James Reilly is selling off his vintage car collection. Here’s a look at what’s on offer: Hogan Road- Hugger GT Sod One of the Big Beasts of the road, this wide-bodied hot rod convertible has been garaged for most of its life. However, it has been recently sighted around some of Europe’s… Read more »
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Those New iPhone 7 features
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Fits even more easily down the back of the sofa without you knowing. Works under water up to 500m for 40 minutes or until you drown. Reinforced screen means great new range of games such as hockey, hurling and road bowling can be enjoyed without breakage. Empties your wallet. Smoother edges mean easier and faster… Read more »
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CELTIC WENT EASY ON BARCA
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
TOLERANCE: Celtic fans reach across the sectarian divide with a message of hope and unity CELTIC BOSS Brendan Rodgers has said Barcelona “got off lightly” because they are not Protestants. The Bhoys manager saw his side trash Rangers 5-1 in the Scottish Premiership before going slightly easier against the mainly Catholic Catalan side in the… Read more »
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Five-day Sale of Gentleman’s Effects belonging to Sir Anthony O’Reilly
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Lot 1 Cartier diamond-studded ceremonial rugby ball engraved with the O’Reilly Royal Coat of Arms Lot 2 Elegant jewel-encrusted serving-bowl ornately etched with legend ‘Beans means Heinz’ Lot 3 Magnificent four-poster bed with reinforced inlaid Wedgwood carved and gilt with decorative female semi-clad Greek Shipping Goddess by Coco Chanel Lot 4 Waterford Crystal Cookie Jar… Read more »
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McGlue sticks to story
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
STICKY: The couple have been labelled sticky by fans because they can’t stop bleedin’ sticking to each other at matches JOE McGlue, Chief Security Officer at the FAI, has denied that fans were searched entering a recent game, as part of Operation Loctite, to establish if they were carrying banners protesting at John Delaney’s continued… Read more »
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‘CULTURE’ NIGHT – by the numbers
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
50,000 Irish Chelsea and Liverpool fans celebrate British soccer culture 0 Buses in service as drivers celebrate protest culture 5,000 Litres of vomit on streets of Temple Bar as drinking culture celebrated 2 Fights over All-Ireland tickets as culture of delusional politicians hailed 1,000 Soiled taxis as culture of ‘soiling taxis’ celebrated 3,000,000 Euro to… Read more »
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THAT FINE GAEL REPORT INTO ELECTION FAILURE SHORTFALL
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
What went wrong not quite right: It rained heavily on the Thursday Enda gave interviews They let their dogs chase us down the street Half the culchies couldn’t understawned where we were coming from Michael Noonan They mistook us for the Labour Party Lunch was just exhausting Recommendations: Never let them see you crossing your… Read more »
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LIMERICK MAN TURNS DOWN JACKPOT BONANZA
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
ROTTEN TO THE CORP: Finance minister Baldy Noonan pictured here doing his impression of Thing from the Fantastic Four MICK Noonan of the “Govt of Ireland” syndicate – which won 13 billion euros in the Apple “Orchard Thieves” competition – has decided to refuse the prize. Entrants were asked to answer just one question –… Read more »
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Pints on me, says Apple boss
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
COOKIN’ THE BOOKS: Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he’d even stump for a few packets of bacon fries next time he’s in Dublin “Sound, lads, I’ll get you a pint next time I’m in Dublin” – That’s the message from Apple CEO Tim Cook to the Irish Government after the Cabinet decided to appeal… Read more »
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Pat Hickey: Stop asking me for Rio trial tickets
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
PAT HICKEY: No tickies BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey insists he “has no tickets for sale” for his highly-anticipated trial in Rio. The septuagenarian has also asked the public “to stop ringing me up asking me”. Sources in Rio say there is already “spectacular interest” in the predicted trial and that tickets, if available, would… Read more »
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SHANE ROSS’S LEAST FAVOURITE BUS ROUTES
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
Lucanbleak to Ballintears Mountjoyless to Kincooledown Anywhere between Blackrock and a Hard Place Swordsdrawn to Malahideme Ballymoregrief to Ringsendinthearmy!
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EXCLUSIVE: ‘Anthony Weiner never sent me sext messages’
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
BALLS-UP: Weiner has described the woman’s claims as nuts A 26-YEAR-OLD US woman yesterday sensationally claimed she had not yet received any explicit messages from former Congressman Anthony Weiner. She told New York reporters: “Yes, it’s absolutely true. Anthony has not sent me any images of himself in his underpants.” But in an immediate response… Read more »
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THOSE ‘UGLIEST DUBLIN’ LOCATIONS
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
Leinster House: Hundreds of broken promises and washed up careers litter the place, with tall stories helping to obscure any sign of brightness amid a grimy air of stagnation. Croke Park: Incessant pools of blood and sweat accrue amid the skin and hair that is frequently carried on the wind. D’Olier Street: Tons of waste… Read more »
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