September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

CONOR McGREGOR’S GUN UFC BOSSES are said to be on the verge of telling Conor McGregor that he can’t use a machine gun during his next fight. The Dublin brawler posted a picture on Instagram holding a large black machine gun while wearing a bathrobe. Now MMA supremo Dana White is becoming worried that, after… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

PICTURESQUE: Dundalk is looking well ahead of the first Europa League home games ANTICIPATION is building in Dundalk as the Lilywhites prepare to embark on their first Europa League campaign this month. With trips to Russia, Holland and Israel on the schedule for the League of Ireland side, club officials are well aware of the… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

DUMMIES: Jedward pictured with the O’Donovan Brothers after giving them a makeover JEDWARD have hit out at the O’Donovan brothers, accusing them of “putting on an act to get attention”. The migraine-inducing X Factor stars slammed the Olympic silver medallists for their “stage-Cork personas” and “faux-twin chemistry” during numerous TV interviews. DUMB “Like, OMG,” said… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

CONTROVERSIAL: Rumour has it that David Quinn will be entering next year as the Catholic Guilt Rose IN THE biggest overhaul of the format in its 907 year history, RTÉ says is to re-package the Rose of Tralee “to meet the modern interpretation of Irish womanhood” and to “reflect the prickly aspect of the rose… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

DON’T MENTION THE FRAUD: Basil Lowry TD RTÉ has announced that it is to revive the hilarious sitcom series Lowry Towers, about an anarchic patient hotel and its chaotic owner, Basil Lowry. A spokesperson for RTE explained that it was inundated with requests to show the classic series again. And who can ever forget these… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Katherine Zappone claiming that centre is “fit for purpose” (as an incinerator) Young detainees complaining of burnt toast (and buildings) Michael O’Leary telling everyone to go to hell Snipers in watch tower on lookout for newspaper hacks Small cringing man (E. Kenny) hiding behind smoke-screen Serious overcrowding problems – ten to a roof Zapper’s meteoric… Read more »

September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

The EU – F*k off! Passengers complaining about leg room – F*ck off! Any horse that runs faster than a Gigginstown horse – F*ck off! Aer Lingus – F*ck off! People offended by blue jokes – F*ck off!

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Conor McGregor Frank Cluskey

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

IDYLLIC: A traditional summer festival in O’Brien’s County Clare hometown ENRAGED Irish novelist Edna O’Brien says she may turn her back on the literary community and “live a simpler life in rural Ireland” following the decision of the Man Booker Prize judges to omit her latest novel, Little Red Chairs, from this year’s list of… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

GRIZZLED: An artist’s depiction of what Enda might look like when he eventually leaves office by Dion O‘Saur Taoiseach Enda Kenny has “warmly welcomed” Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform Paschal O’Donohoe’s move to maybe consider a possible debate on the potential of raising the retirement level for workers in Ireland. “It is great to… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Tasteful, understated, €20,000 a night luxury hotel suite Snipers targeting ex-workers Bouncers keeping out undesirable (Siptu officials) Shopper who has been lost on third floor for past week Statue of Deirdre Foley Massive storage room (for D2 Private cash) Tourist being mugged on O’Connell Street Vulture fund manager on pig’s back

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Before you go get yourself a good lawyer on standby in Brazil. Bring a second (false?) passport so you can get the F*** out of the country pronto! Learn a few martial arts moves and get good with a knife in case you end up in Bangu prison. Learn basic Brazilian terms like “I’m innocent”,… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Q. How do you feel after your performance? A. Incredible/Unbelievable/Amazing Q. What was the atmosphere like out there? A. Fantastic/Electric/ Awesome Q. And what about the Irish supporters? A. Unreal/Amazing/Incredible Q. What’s been the reaction of your family? A. Unbelievable/Incredible/Fantastic Q. Would you like to rant about being cheated now? A. Yes

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

HEADS UP!: Dáithí Ó Sé’s decapitated body was lauded as a big improvement on the full version of Dáithí that hosted last year. THERE was a big shake up to the Rose of Tralee this year as organisers changed the format for the contest. Aiming to modernise the 57-year-old festival — which is not a… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

ENVIRONMENTAL experts claim Kerry TD Danny Healy-Rae is “caused by God” and say there is “not much we can do about it”. The shock assertion comes after the Independent politician poured cold water on the so-called “scientific fact” that climate change is man-made by emitting a massive blast of hot air. The Kerryman’s views on… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

On climate change: Any leprechaun in de country will tell ya ’tis caused by God’s volcanoes in order we have a ta in summer and clean roads in winter. De little peepul do never be wrong and ’tis they tipped off Noah so he could build de ark. On women’s rights: I shtrongly believe dat… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Receives news by phone from a government lackey, dropping croissant and almost spilling morning latté Checks out story with more reliable lackey in Sindo office Puts on very cross face Goes to Rio with new pair of runners Loosens tie and waves finger at Pat Hickey while frowning heavily Declines Hickey’s offer of turkey sandwich… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

STOIC: Good to see Irish boxing fans haven’t loss the run of themselves in the wake of Katie’s defeat By May A. Culpa The Catholic Church has called for more people to attend Mass and for an increase in vocations amid growing speculation that God is losing patience with the country. “The apocalyptic defeat of… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Judges for the 2016 Journalism Awards say entries have been of an exceptionally high standard, with “many pages reflecting the best wine stains and a 5% reduction in spittle and cigarette burns” compared to the previous entries in 2013. Among the favourites for top accolades are: Fintan O’Toole for his article: “Why I Am the… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

HUMBLE: Mild-mannered McGregor was so shocked by the result he declared Diaz the winner (“Pull the other one” _ Ed) DODGY JUDGES screwing fighters out of victory have been deemed “not too bad” this week after Conor McGregor claimed a strange win in the UFC. All of Ireland had been outraged after Olympic boxing judges… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

STANDING COUNT: The three synchronised judges receiving their prizes after the tournament THREE boxing judges shared the gold medal for synchronised judging when all three awarded 29 points to boxer Ugli Faceov in the final round, clinching victory for the Russian. In achieving this momentous feat, they managed to overcome the not inconsiderable hurdle of… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

SHOO-IN: The baby has already been doing the rounds on Fox News REPUBLICAN strategists are furiously trying to convince the crying baby Donald Trump ejected from a recent rally to run for President. With mounting concern in the party over Trump’s campaign, some GOP members believe the baby’s superior communication skills make it an obvious… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

RTÉ received 23 official complaints from viewers unhappy with the “sexual nature” of an interview conducted by Ray D’Arcy with Pamela Anderson. The viewers felt D’Arcy “completely screwed up the segment” and “made an absolute tit of himself”. The complaints follow on from previous disgruntlement over the “obscene” nature of the presenter’s salary. In recent… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

A NEW mobile game is spelling danger for some unlucky players. An elderly man has become the latest victim of the curse of Popémon Go – the location-based augmented reality game. The 79-year-old , Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who is known to most people as “Francis” or “Il Papa,” or “Big Daddy Frank”, fell recently after… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Tess Tickles RTÉ says it will continue to screen its own special Dáil edition of smash hit Channel 4 programme Naked Attraction next season despite ongoing complaints from a disgusted public over the show’s content. Many viewers have labelled RTÉ’s Naked Opportunism programme as “cheap voyeurism”, as the participants shamelessly display their naked ambition… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Three men recently sent to jail for a €7bn fraud have come up with an ingenious solution to the problem of overcrowding in prisons, modelled on The Green Jersey Agenda (© P Neary). McAteer: Okay, let’s recap: how does it work? Bowe: It works like this: The three of us are immediately “loaned” out to… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

ROCK BOTTOM: Labour Party TDs passed out at last month’s Longitude festival after too much prosecco TEENAGERS have slammed politicians for “spoiling music festivals for the rest of us” following James Heffernan’s multiple arrests at Indiependence. According to one teenager: “We all like to go to festivals and have a bit of fun, but these… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

NOTORIOUS: McGregor was snapped in Dublin signing copies of a book about his last cancelled fight EXCITEMENT IS growing among fans of UFC as the date for the cancellation of Conor McGregor’s revenge fight against Nate Diaz comes closer. Everyone knows that the duo are to face off in UFC202 on August 20 as McGregor… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

A Maltese Denis O’Brien IN THE most sensational development yet in his ongoing litigation campaigns, media mogul Denis O’Brien has initiated court proceedings against himself. Although commentators have been warned by the zillionaire Maltese, under threat of, er, litigation, speculation around the action is rife. “He was pursuing so many cases that the papers became… Read more »