April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

MEMBERS OF the UK football media are questioning their very existence after failing to break the spirits of Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp. The German took over at Anfield last October – a whopping six months ago – and is still in good form, even being seen laughing and joking at press conferences. “It makes you… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Joe Hannesburg Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements to his house. The property included a luxurious house and… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Education Staff – Will Phail Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI). “It now looks as though we will have no alternative but to take industrial action over the coming months,” warned 26-year-old… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain Shattiér is at once both simple and pretentious with more… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More of them need to resign to stop people feeling murderous,”… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is now a doubt to make the squad for the summer… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

1916 Souvenir Edition ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of violence were visible near the Irish Times offices, with one… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Labour Election Latest Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title “Labour Leader”. They include: • Brendan Howling, 69, the dark… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks off? At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have one… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on an RTÉ bulletin at 8am commenting about something or other…. Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.” The commitment comes after the Fine Gael leader promised fast speed… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager anticipation about constitutional reform and a power-sharing arrangement between FF… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have taken up poetry if I knew an imbecile like Bob… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence. Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event. Soon after the Louth TD landed in the States last week, an explosive… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham. The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties. “Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Farewell then, Paul Daniels I half liked your deception But not a lot As you used to say But this is an exception So well done, fair play No smoke and mirrors as once feared This time you really have Disappeared TV LISTINGS 24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe. While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law. Without the new… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue. A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains. A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged! Caller: Too feckin’ right I have! JD: Do you know who did it to you? Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths! JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with… Caller: Everything…. Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.) Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster a firework between them, let alone a weekend of throat-rattling… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”. The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are adamant they are the best party to lead the new… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

On Podium outside GPO (Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks) President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys 1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat 2nd… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government. “While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Smells Like Irish Water Money Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water) Uptown Pipe Repairs He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)  

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week. The latest offering from FG… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land. “All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities. “Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Money’s Too Tight To Mention I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt) All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro Money (That’s What I Want) All Out Of Love – And Cash Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which were warmly welcomed as an appropriate tribute to the late… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States. Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan –… Read more »