SLAB’S PRISON DIARY
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The… Read more »
Renua “to regroup”
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”. Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband, Senator Paul Bradford) that it was now time to take… Read more »
SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
Money’s Too Tight To Mention I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt) All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro Money (That’s What I Want) All Out Of Love – And Cash Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den
GANGLAND UPDATE
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had earlier been seen walking the streets of the country and… Read more »
YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
KATE O’CONNELL Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes. LISA CHAMBERS Securing a seat in Mayo, Chambers campaigned for a fairer… Read more »
That proposed FG-FF programme for government
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest. This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating growth and maintaining stability. Our radical Programme for Government will… Read more »
Rotating Taoiseach mooted
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen. “Martin and Kenny will get half-an-hour each… Read more »
THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber Leave our shoes in the hallway after you’ve finished the polishing, Baldy… Read more »
Irish Water latest
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe. “Things were tipping along fine up to the election, so we’re… Read more »
Is there too much endless speculation about the government?
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
by All Hacks ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor. Whether or not I can come up with a new angle, of course, is the real question. This latest… Read more »
McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION
March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology
UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government, but the controversial star has said there is no substance… Read more »
SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far. He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m 110% fine. My memory is perfect. The knocks I took… Read more »
THOSE ELECTION OSCARS
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
Best Make-up Artist Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going Best Female Supporting Role Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8% The Revenant Award Michael Ring for his… Read more »
Papal Bull(ETIN)
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
Bienvenida, amigos. What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature woman of the opposite sex. So much for the myth… Read more »
CLARIFICATION
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such as, “Schmidt’s Titans to Triumph” and “Super Schmidtonians to Rewrite… Read more »
HEALTH MATTERS
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
This week Dr Will Squander of Transfusion Positive de-livers his professional opinion People often call me urgently and say, ‘Doctor, I am feeling unwell, what’s the latest news on treatment for hepatitis?’ I always recommend we meet by the pool to discuss the matter over a nice chardonnay. Say about noon just after I have… Read more »
Croker to host GAA match shock
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the summer, but a spokesman for the association insisted that the… Read more »
D’ARCY IN EUROVISION UPROAR
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on. D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his show, but a Nicholson impersonator appeared instead. So when Byrne… Read more »
Gardaí to throw ‘full force of the alphabet’ at criminals, vows Commissioner
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room before appearing on a major news bulletin!” assured the top… Read more »
CALLS FOR EARLY BEATIFICATION OF CLAIRE BYRNE
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
Pressure was increasing on Pope Francis last night to fast-track the canonisation of RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne. The calls come after the adored broadcaster miraculously kept Irish television viewers tuned into an RTÉ political debate for 90 minutes. Such was the powerful force of the transmission that many viewers have had their lives altered forever…. Read more »
Creighton pledge – “Prison for all”
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
by Our Crime Staff Phil Cells Lucinda Creighton has again called for the imprisonment of everyone in the country for an indefinite period. The Renua leader has focused on crime throughout the election campaign. “The only way to make the streets of our cities safe is to have nobody on them,” Ms Creighton told reporters…. Read more »
JOAN BURTON’S HANDS
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
1) Thumbing nose at socialism 2) Pointing out everyone else’s mistakes 3) Middle finger to Eamon Gilmore 4) Finger not lifted to help Alan Kelly 5) Finger used for pointing out water protestors 6) Thumbs up to Enda Kenny 7) Wagging finger at Sinn Féin 8) Finger switching remote control to Downton Abbey 9)… Read more »
Just how long can it survive?
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
by Our Political Staff Hugh Cares As the fall-out from this week’s election continues, there is still no clear answer to the question that every political pundit is now asking. How long can this piece about the make-up of the next government keep going? Almost nothing has changed since yesterday when I wrote at length… Read more »
Taoiseach spells it out
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
By our Political Corr – Phil Space FOLLOWING MONTHS of uncertainty during which Enda Kenny has repeatedly insisted that he would not go into government with Fianna Fáil under any circumstances, the Fine Gael leader finally came off the fence yesterday and said that he would not enter into coalition with Fianna Fáil. However, the… Read more »
GANGLAND WHO’S WHO
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
MIKE SCUMBAG Suave mafia godfather whose crime empire is believed to comprise Russia, Mexico and the entire continent of Africa. Though based on the Continent, Scumbag regularly flies home to Dublin to attend funerals. Going under the nickname The Llama, his hobbies include relaxing with Colombian drug lords and blowing away gangland rivals. … Read more »
SEAN DUNNE HOUSE SALE
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
Thieves shaken after brush with Vlad
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
THIEVES WHO almost ran into Leo Varadkar as he canvassed for votes in Castleknock say they are “relieved no-one was hurt” in the incident. The robbers were exiting a local shop when they had their lucky escape. One member of the gang explained: “We had just finished our business and were making good our escape…. Read more »
ELECTION LEXICON (Contd.)
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
n The party: Thing people hold when last of the candidates has departed a constituent’s doorstep. n First preference: To jump under a bus rather than shake that gobshite’s hand! Poll: Speculative form of filler much loved by desperate news editors. Mudslinging: Inevitable result when a candidate enters a farmyard during a busy period. Frontrunner: Candidate leaving… Read more »
APOLOGY – FIANNA FÁIL
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent years have given the impression that Fianna Fáil were a hopelessly washed up political outfit. Headlines such “Biffo And Co. Destroy Country” and “Fianna Failures Facing Total Annihilation” may have led some readers to believe that we felt the party were headed towards oblivion. However,… Read more »
FG to go into coalition with Fine Gael
February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins In an unexpected move that has shocked many political observers, the Fine Gael party yesterday announced plans to enter into a coalition arrangement with Fine Gael. “We have a very proud history of forming successful governments with other political groupings,” Enda Kenny told reporters, “and I now feel that the time… Read more »
“Brexit shambles a great success” – Cameron
February 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
“…Yes, it’s an excellent result for Britain as well as the entire EU – and it’s all thanks primarily to the hard work of myself burning the midnight oil at both ends to completely transform Europe for everyone’s benefit (except for child allowances to foreign workers, of course). “You must understand that the key to… Read more »
Enda ‘didn’t know there was an election’, shock!
February 11, 2016 Craic & Codology
Taoiseach Enda Kenny has again rejected claims that he deliberately dodged appearing on RTE’s 6pm on the day he dissolved the Dáil, stating that “didn’t know there was an election on.” The Fine Gael leader insisted he had “no problem discussing anything in a public forum”, but that “this election business” caught him “completely offguard”…. Read more »
RTÉ CLARIFY
February 11, 2016 Craic & Codology
RTÉ have clarified that their broadcasts on February 26 will feature coverage of the election as well as Miriam O’Callaghan. Speculation has grown that the election day output would consist solely of material based around the wildly popular mum of 43, but an RTÉ spokesman has emphatically denied the suggestion. “Obviously we’re talking about an… Read more »
Gerry Adams’ Valentine’s Message to Micheál Martin
February 11, 2016 Craic & Codology
With your balding head and Corky smile We are like chalk and cheese But if mandating is your thing I’m up for giving us a fling So Marty, call me please
Fear grips country as early polls predict a government will emerge!
February 11, 2016 Craic & Codology
A deep sense of increasing fear was rapidly spreading ac to power. “I’m petrified they won’t hold the lead and those Fianna Fáil b**tards will somehow sneak in,” said one Blueshirt supporter in Mayo. “I’m really scared the poll will prove accurate and the blue-short feckers will return,” fretted a badly shaken chef in Dublin…. Read more »
ELECTION LEXICON
February 11, 2016 Craic & Codology
Cabinet: Thing you hide behind when a candidate comes round to the back door determined to see if you really are not at home. Constituent: Member of society known to harbour strong emotions of anger, disillusionment, cynicism and revenge. Candidate: Much smaller section of the population known to harbour strong sentiments of grandeur, egotism, vanity… Read more »
