May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Dublin Things got off to a bad start for the Blueshirts when the new manager claimed only players who attended early morning training could expect to be rewarded with a place in his team. But he adopted a novel approach to training by encouraging his team to respond to dog whistles.       Cork… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Thank you for applying for a position with The Office of the Director of Corporate Enforcement. In order for us to process your application we require you to complete the attached form containing a few simple questions. To assist you a little we have provided clues to the answers in the adjoining column. Remember take… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

★★ Leo Zeppelin: Backed by his new choir boys, the Dubliner blew his own trumpet incessantly for an entire weekend, as he repeatedly tore the arse out of his entire repertoire. Failed dismally to hit the high notes however with predictable and unimaginative renditions of Return (Water Charges) to Sender and Simple Simon Says. “Different… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Eve Asion pg 4 – “Something needs to be done urgently” – Taoiseach pg 5 – Government order review of ODCE pg 7 – “This kind of thing can never happen again” – Everyone pg 8 – No one taking blame for Anglo shambles pg 9 – Pope Francis to remain… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

ROUGH RIDE: The Limerick man’s plight has inspired a sequel to the popular work of fiction Angela’s Ashes FRIENDS and associates of a Limerick man who is “going through a rough patch” have appealed for “privacy and understanding” as they rally round to support him. The man known locally as ‘JP’ or ‘Himself’ is understood… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

BONDING: Roger Moore pictured here while not meeting the author of this article LIKE countless others, I was privileged to have never met Sir Roger Moore and therefore have been given a unique insight into what he wasn’t really like. To his millions of dedicated film fans, of course, Roger was the ultimate womanizing Bond… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

DONEGAL HOTELIER Brendan Rohan has praised the decision of Dublin City Council to fly the Palestinian flag over City Hall. Mr Rohan caused controversy by displaying the British Union flag outside his premises and stating that King William of Orange should be considered a hero of Irish nationalism. “Personally I am delighted an alternative flag… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Hey, amigos, Jorge here! Papal greets to the faithful flock. Beatific smiles and ultra-unassuming blessings from your supreme leader (two billion believers at the last count). Such a busy week with high-powered visits by important celeb-style world leaders – and also Ireland’s Mr Higgins. What a little live wire and no mistake! Michael was delighted… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

WHAT IS IT? – A contrived team of mercenaries playing rugby BUT WILL ANY IRISH PLAYERS BE INVOLVED? – Did you seen the Pro12 semis and final? WHO ARE THEY PLAYING? – The AIG Blacks from New Zealand, rugby’s equivalent of the Dublin footballers HOW IMPORTANT IS IT, ACCORDING TO SKY SPORTS? – More important… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

GOD AWFUL: God, seen here with (L-R) Methuselah and the Baby Jesus, has said he will deal with the issue of his departure in a timely fashion By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent May A. Culpa MEDIA personality and part-time politician Leo Varadkar has been accused of blasphemy. The allegation relates to an interview he gave… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

WING AND A PRAYER: Barnier prayed for the soul of Theresa May, a key bargaining chip in her successful Tory leadership bid CHIEF BREXIT negotiator Michel Barnier was forced to do a decade of the rosary before addressing the Dáil, it has been revealed. The EU man spoke to TDs on Ireland’s special position regarding Britain’s… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ director-general Dee Forbes today announced her shock plan for reforming the schedules over the next decade and asked the government for another €15m to fund it. Forbes said: “While our coverage of sport and currents affairs will continue, we will be placing a much greater emphasis on cultural output,” she pledged. “Otherwise, everything will… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Titan Goliath Mouthalmighty Tigersabretooth Invincibleonious the Great Colossus God Grabsmasher Little Notorious Notorious Jnr Conotorious Conor Jnr. 3

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Redwater – 9pm, RTÉ One: Brit soap opera couple Charles and Camilla travel to a sleepy Irish village to find out how the Éire are doing. Rings are kissed and arses licked in this thoroughly embarrassing outing from the grovelling natives. The Meaning of Life with Gay Byrne – 10pm, RTÉ 2: Controversial religious programme…. Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Indo Group Political Editor Craven Doyle SINN Féin leader-in-waiting Mary Lou McDonald is no doubt keen to avoid jumping the gun by talking openly about her succession to the scruffy-bearded former IRA cannibal and traffic lights crasher “Grizzly” Gerry Adams (Good start – Ed). But her succession is all part of a well-planned long-term… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

HAVEN SENT: Top boffins say the disappearance of the warm front might force locals to take shelter in ramshackle operations like this one METEOROLOGISTS say a massive heavy weather front that has lingered across Haiti for over seven years is at last showing signs of evaporating. Storm Haven followed in the wake of Tycoon Denis… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

TODAY your Soaraway Sun gladly doffs its chapeau to French prez-in-waiting Emmanuel “Manny” Macron for showing tout le monde that grans are grey-t! She may have more lines than a Shakespearean play but Madame Macron (98) is still quite an “Eiffel!” to the young politician whose French resistance quickly folded as soon as she marched… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look back at some of the most memorable acts from this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. United Kingdom  – Theresa and the Tories  While this act is wildly popular in Britain, Theresa and her entourage have struggled to attract fans in Europe. Her strident tone coupled with hysterical backing singers have resulted in… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

– Debty Harry – Dire Straits – EL Owe – Aiken Stevens – Banananama – Simply-in-the-Red – Stone Broke Roses – The Crash – Johnny Cashflow – Muddy Waters

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

by our Good News Staff  – Hayley Feelgood FOLLOWING the amazing revelation that last week’s upbeat edition sold a lot of copies, the incredible surge in optimism now seems set to continue until at least 2025. In our latest specially commissioned poll carried out in a leading newspaper office yesterday, 98% of respondents say the… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement – ‘See No Evil’ History Headquartered in Dublin’s Phoenix Park, we are represented in every county in Ireland, working up to 24-hours per day on essential surveillance, breathalyser testing and combating gorse fires. The current Garda Commissioner is Nóirín O’Sullivan (though that could change any day now). Strategic Operations Core functions include prevention of… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite singer? Kate Bush Favourite band? Bush Favourite politician? George Bush Other career you might have chosen? Hedge fund manager Any vices? Benson & Hedges

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

RODDY COLLINS The combative League of Ireland veteran specialises in saving sinking ships so this may be right up his street. Showdowns with Vincent Browne would be compelling. Odds: 10/1 PEP GUARDIOLA Has spent past 12 months overseeing a bunch of overpaid, under-achieving primadonnas. A good fit. Odds: 5/1 ARSENE WENGER Considered a bit of… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our rugby correspondent Tony ‘Emergency’ Ward IT’s THE move they are all talking about. That awful pass by right-winger Varadkar to youth team call-up Harris in that top-of-the-operating-table clash played at Bedsyde Manor last week. The hospital pass, as it is known, put Harris in the unenviable position of being instantly double tackled and… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

ONE IS not a betting man, but were one to be so, then one could do a lot worse than place a few florins on Kilkenny for this year’s hockey hurling championship! One was struck by the confidence of King Brian when visiting the Cats’ camp! By Jove they will take some beating this year!… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Martyn Turner recalls his brave stand against Ireland’s blasphemy laws IT WAS 1995. The phone rang. It happens. It was The Irish Times. “You are being sued for blasphemy.” “So what?” I responded, “That’s the price you pay for creating hard-hitting editorial cartoons that challenge the very foundations of Catholic oppression.” As always, the editor… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement We pride ourselves on being the ‘Paper of Record Losses’ Corporate History Since 1859, The Irish Times has been an integral and important part of Irish life. Its distinctive journalism has been influential and interactive, involving our audiences and driving a public-interest news agenda. That’s why we prioritise empowerment, vision, diversity, pluralism, inclusivity… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Serve: What woman does with breakfast the morning afterwards. Racket: Thing women make when they all complain about me at once. Love: Looking in the mirror Approach shot: Chat-up line (eg ‘How about it, bitch?’) Game: When she’s up for it Fault: Not mine that I’m so attractive Bounce: Function of a mattress Offensive Lob:… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

OVER THE past few weeks we may have given the impression that an all Irish Champions Cup final was a foregone conclusion. Headlines such as ‘Up yours Froggies’ and ‘Who the f*%k are Saracens anyway?’ may have hinted that all Munster and Leinster needed to do was turn up at the respective stadiums to book… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Here they are – the two leading contenders en route to the Élysée Palace Emmanuel Macaroon The 39-year-old conservative presidential front-runner is widely regarded as a safe pair of hands. Youthful, inexperienced, charismatic, he has a proven reputation as a former banker. Macaroon defeated Eugenie Croissant, the Minister for Fraud and Mismanagement, to become the… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Outrageous. The more I absorb the enormity of its enormousness, the more I toss and turn ‘neath the darkened dreams of my dreamy slumber. Pyongyang! Pyongyang! Pyongyang! snaps the symphony of my bed springs in collusion with this atrocity. As my good friend Joyce once memorably confided to me in a dream: “Every dog has… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Andy Cash Phil Pockets Moore O’Demoolah Lotta Dosh Jack Pott M.T. Urcoffers Hans Outt Lewis Change Rich A. Sole Drew Downdelot Robin Blind

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on GAA bosses to overturn Davy Fitzgerald’s eight-week sideline ban and has come up with an ingenious idea to keep the Wexford boss off the pitch. “We’ll put an octagon on the sideline,” shouted McGregor. “Davy would be locked in for the duration of the game but would be… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE PUBLIC is being urged to report cheats who are abusing the generosity of the system. The Department of Social Protection urged people to take action following information they received about an underemployed man with a funny accent known to be a complete fraud. The man, known as Leo Varadkar, is believed to be travelling… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Cheerios Smell the Coffee Takes the Biscuit Has Beans on Toast Sandwiches Hamfisted Cheesed off Dinner/Meat Porky pies Turkeys Lambs to the Slaughter (In humble pie) Fishy Cod Mullet Over Carp Flounder Just Desserts Custard Pie I Scream Fudge Labour Party Rebrand

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week: ‘Charity’ The voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. An organisation set up to provide help and raise money for those in need. Not to be confused with Sisters… Read more »