TEMPTRESS INSPIRES LONGFORD LADS
MIDLANDS Love Island sensation Maura Higgins says she “dearly hopes” her performance on the reality television show will inspire her native Longford footballers to “go out and get what they so dearly want, what they need”.
The 28 year old has wowed viewers with her tenacity and determination to come out on top of every situation. “When you’re after something you desperately want, you have to make that jump, grab it with both hands and hold onto it hard,” advised the shapely star.
“Longford football has been underperforming for way too long and I like to think I have shown them another way to improve their position and come out on top.”
Tacky reality show in which a group of extrovert contestants pretend to be close friends. Behind the scenes, they are all secretly trying to screw one another every chance they get. Viewers will be watching avidly tonight to see if Leo will eventually come clean about taking any drugs during his university days. Is this the reason that he’s losing any appeal he ever had?
Creepy denim-clad Alan keeps moaning about all the unjust things that are happening to him. His lurking gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.
Murph says working out is important to him, but the trouble is that he isn’t working out with anyone and everyone wonders how long before he gets the heave-ho.
Meanwhile, in a last desperate bid to save her crumbling career, provocative Maura Lou is thinking of getting into bed with Micheál, even though he is already in bed with Leo. Confused? Not nearly as much as they are.
Warning: Contains tawdry scenes of flirtation and betrayal that are unsuitable for children or, indeed, adults.
by our Health Correspondent Seth Downe
IN A shocking new development, the Minister for Health Spending, Simon Harris, has announced that the Irish health service will face yet another crisis from next week.
“It’s true,” he confirmed. “I have been advised that, from next week, every hospital in the country will be occupied by patients. They are threatening to occupy all of the wards, operating theatres and waiting rooms – even taking possession of the trolleys in the corridors.”
While some of the protesters will conduct what they are terming a ‘short-stay’ protest; others are set to occupy trolleys for days on end. Some older patients say they are willing to die on the trolleys if necessary.
“How can one run a health service if patients conduct themselves in this manner,” the health minister asked. “It’s my job to decide who gets to be stuck in hospitals wards and corridors.”
FESTY O’SEMTEX 3712
TENSIONS MOUNT OVER BAGPIPE THREAT
By Philly Space
In a shock escalation of tensions, the Scottish government has threatened to “send in th’ ba’pipes” to prevent Irish fishermen from fishing the waters around Rockall.
The threat to unleash a “wailing war” in the disputed waters has alarmed international observers, with UN Secretary General António Fishguterres labelling the situation “extremely worrying”.
Bagpipes attack the inner and outer ears simultaneously. They have a range of 20km, can penetrate steel and cause rapid rises in blood pressure, numbing the brain within minutes. No country has ever dared use them in battle.
In a statement yesterday, Scootland’s Minister for Mackerel and War said, “Scootlund wull uise whitevur force needed tae defen’ every las’ crab in oor waters frim fooreign bampo wid heids full o’mince! Res’ assoored we ha’ th’ lungs an’ the oxters fur a lengthy campaign. Ye ken, Jimmy?!”
One Irish trawler owner has vowed to “blast the Wolfe Tones back at them” if the bagpipes are deployed.
SINN FÉIN QUESTIONED OVER ‘DISAPPEARED’ VOTERS
Pressure was growing on Sinn Féin last night as the whereabouts of dozens of voters, who went missing without trace during its recent campaign, continued to raise questions.
Commentators now claim the number of ‘disappeared’ may be in the “tens of thousands” – many of whom left their homes on election night to vote for someone else and failed to return to SF ever since.
Beleaguered SF leader Mary Lou McDonald continues to insist that the missing voters had “nothing to with me”.
But the Dublin Central TD indicated where the missing could be found. “They’re everywhere, from all walks of life – male, female, gender fluid, transgender, white black, rich, poor. You’ll find them everywhere – except with us.”
SEÁN DUNNE’S CLOTHES BILL
ALAN SHAFTED’S – NEW BOOK
Exclusive extract from ‘Frenzy and Betrayal…’
Readers of my earlier best-selling memoir, Totally Vindicated, will know that I have always had the utmost regard for Enda Kenny, from the first moment when he showed such acute political judgement by promoting me to senior public office as Minister for Defence and Justice. Few people – even of my exceptional talent – would be capable of handling even one of these two hugely demanding ministerial positions.
His decision only confirmed the esteem in which I was held within political circles – and not just my own high opinion of myself. I always knew that I would end up in the public eye. So it was no surprise that I would soon combine a glittering political career and somehow find time to write a sensational sex-drenched bonkbuster novel – phwoarr!
In retrospect, of course, the taoiseach had recognised my razor-sharp legal expertise.
Of course, I was under the most unbearable pressure around the time of the resignation of Garda commissioner Martin Callinan in 2014. No wonder I was going to bed at night feeling so exhausted and emotionally drained.
None of today’s politicians – such as the current finance minister – should ever forget the real victim in this whole affair, ie myself.
And my illustrious record stands – GSOC scandals, penalty points, secret garda tapes, etc. Fortunately, thanks to my latest book, my reputation has been restored – and I’m the country’s smuggest politician once again.
Hotel-style adult swing. Complete with ‘easi-hold’ ropes, polished wooden seat and user pack comprising instruction manual (including braille version) safety instructions, list of solicitors specialising in personal injuries claims, a do & don’t public relations checklist – plus a free bottle of Baileys Irish Cream as a no-claims bonus. One careless user.
BANKER’S PLEA: ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN!’
An Irish Central Banker says people opposed to restoring performance bonuses in the banking sector are “effectively perpetrating the greatest abuse of children’s rights in the history of time” and are pre-empting the “mass degradation of the most innocent in society”.
Central Bank governor Philip Lane explains that many bankers are “family men with no more than three cars in the family, but with perhaps four or five children.”
He added, “The maths is easy. When these kids are old enough to drive, there aren’t enough cars to go around. The result is people still in their vulnerable teens having to walk or take a bus to appointments, while their peers and even those of a lower social grouping drive past.”
The banking boss continues, “That’s the sort of humiliating experience that leads vulnerable young people to alcoholism, drug abuse and, inevitably, car-jacking and prison sentences on the 34th conviction or so. Do we really want to present that kind of society to the world?”
Mr Lame says the only feasible solution to this “impending catastrophe” is to “restore the bonus culture by Monday morning”.
2019 LEAVING CERT EXAM PAPERS
1. Using contemporary evidence, calculate to the nearest 5,000 how many trolleys will be required for Irish hospitals in winter 2030 if Simon Harris remains Minister for Health.
2. How many miles high would Johnny Ronan have to build an Eoghan Murphy-inspired shared living space to accommodate half the homeless people in Ireland by 2025?
3. If sound waves travel 5,000 miles in 10 seconds, how many minutes will it take for a Martian to switch over from The Ray D’Arcy Show?
1. Compare and contrast the prevailing temperatures between the south polar ice cap and a meeting between Leo Varadkar and Alan Shatter.
2. List 100 places the Chinese government would rather you asked questions about than Tiananmen Square.
3. Can you name one area of her life that Vogue Williams hasn’t felt compelled to tell us about?
1. In the Gospel according to Danny Healy-Rae, how many glasses of wine made from water did Jesus allow his followers to consume before travelling home by donkey? Was it a) five; b) 25 or c) Chrisht, I’m pished but I know the road, *hic*.
2. Discuss three ways in which insurance companies are making life hell for everyone.
3. Outline three reasons why the Labour Party hasn’t got a prayer under Brendan Howlin.
NEW RECRUITS TO FIGHT GENERAL ELECTION
By our defence correspondent – Major Problem
Following the success of Maria Walsh, former Rose of Tralee and ex member of the Reserve Defence Forces (RDF), in winning a seat in Europe for Fine Gael, thousands of disgruntled members of the Irish army are threatening to pack up their tents, leave the army and fight in the next general election.
Members of the army have become disenchanted over issues such as pay and allowances, and are now looking to decamp from the firing range and enter the firing line of politics in order to survive.
“This will not be a five-star general election,” said Private Ryan. “ It will cover all ranks – sergeants, majors, captains, brigadiers, the lot! Our target is to parachute them into every constituency.”
Just this week, our reporters spotted members of the Irish army on manoeuvres at the Glen of Imaal, practising their General election canvassing drills, while singing:
I don’t know but I’ve been told,
TDs are paid their weight in gold.
We’re not running another lap,
‘Cos Irish army pay is crap.
(That’s enough silly army stories. You’re all confined to barracks – Ed.)
NEW LEINSTER RUGBY LEXICON
- Maul: Post-match celebration
- Pack: Collective name for media types asking awkward questions
- Conversion: Changing the story for the pack
- Passing: Thing you do through the kidneys
- Bonus: When some splashes on the other leg too
- Fly half: Part of the trousers that’s undone
The Irish government has announced the following sanctions on their Scottish counterparts over the issue of Rockhall:
- Daniel O’Donnell to be prohibited from touring Scotland
- Rod Stewart to be prevented from using Ireland as a cash cow
- Proclaimers to be made walk 500 miles
- Tourists to be informed that Braveheart was made here
- Caitríona Balfe to stop making Outlander
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3712
|Impressed the judges
||Not impressed with judges
|Lives in Bray
||Wonders when government will collapse
|Estranged from father
||Estranged from Fine Gael
|Medaled at Olympics
||Accused of meddling in FAI matters
|Received oversized belt
||Receives oversized salary
IRELAND ‘MUCH BETTER TO WATCH PLAYING POORLY’
Ireland soccer fans have hailed Mick McCarthy’s second managerial reign following the recent games against Denmark and Gibraltar, unanimously agreeing that the playing style is much easier on the eye.
“Under O’Neill we’d play it long up field and lose the knockdown to let our opponents attack us in waves,” said one hungover supporter. “Now we play the ball out into midfield before losing it again to let our opponents attack us in waves. It’s great to watch!”
RTÉ soccer correspondent Tony O’Donoghue also expressed delight that he no longer has to wear his brown trousers when interviewing the gaffer after games.
IN THE KITCHEN – IAN BAILEY
This week, fast snack expert Ian Bailey delivers a pizza his mind.
As west Cork’s top pizza maker, I take great pride in sourcing the ingredients myself out in the local fields.
Some sceptics (mostly French people) are suspicious of where I get the goods. They suggest there is something fishy about my dishes and that I may be serving up a load of old tripe when I should really just sit down and take my medicine.
People love to make a meal of things and I am often quizzed about the sort of stuff I like to feed people. I realise that they expect me to come up with something that the gardaí would simply refuse to swallow so they can claim that my recipes are stale and I need to find a new offering.
Well, you can clear off back to France and stick to your Gallic fare, which is served up raw or pre-cooked before it is even to be judged. Your fancy menus would just leave a sour taste in my mouth.
Remember, my pizzas are traditional Irish pizzas, although I admit they are not to everyone’s taste…
In Katie’s Head at the Airport
THIS WEEK’S APPEAL
At a time when Irish people are looking forward to some fine summer weather, it’s worth remembering those individuals whose futures are not so bright.
Take Gayle, for instance. She once had it all. From her heady days as Dublin’s most glamorous socialite, with her own fabulous column in the soaraway Sindo, her career really soared when she married one of the country’s most ambitious property developers in a simple €1.5m wedding ceremony on board a yacht once owned by Aristotle Onassis.
Almost overnight, the celebrity newly weds were living the billionaire lifestyle with all the problems of enormous affluence. But sadly – and because of the couple’s, er, untold wealth – things have suddenly changed for the former Baroness of Ballsbridge.
After an American court cruelly ordered this innocent woman to hand back more than €18m in so-called “fraudulent transfers”, Gayle is now enduring a living nightmare.
Sadly, she is being mercilessly punished simply because her husband selflessly transferred countless millions of assets into his wife’s name out of deep love for her – and certainly not to thwart creditors’ demands for repayment.
Surely, it is time to support this completely blameless victim of the heartless legal system.
Help Gayle and Dunner… to keep helping themselves.
FAI PROBES LEAKS
Investigations are continuing into recent security breaches at the Football Association of Ireland.
The attack from Danish sources resulted in a huge number of leaks, particularly in the Irish midfield. One disgruntled Ireland fan bemoaned the lack of urgency on the FAI’s part in dealing with the culprits.
“It’s mind-boggling that this situation is tolerated. These people are doing terrible damage and to think I used to accuse Glenn Whelan of not reacting fast enough. I take it all back,” he said.
Christ De Burgh’s €12.5m gaff