Category: Craic & Codology

TALIBAN BAN

Taliban Cancelled

IN THE light of recent events in Afghanistan, various activist groups and NGOs have called for the Taliban to be cancelled forthwith. According to Key Bored of the Activists of Ireland Association, “It is simply unacceptable in the 21st century that a group of fairly pale, male and stale men should feel that they have... Read more »

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APOLOGY – THE DUBLIN FOOTBALL TEAM

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In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Dublin football team were a group of invincible supermen destined to remain unbeaten for the next 50 years. Headlines such as “SUPER-DUBS ARE UNBEATABLE”, “DESSIE’S DREAM TEAM WILL WIN 60 IN A ROW” and “DUBS WILL WALK ALL... Read more »

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COULD HEALY-RAE CAPS MELT AWAY?

Healy Rae Caps

Fears are growing in south Kerry that the county’s Healy-Rae caps could soon disappear forever due to climate alterations. The threat to the once cool caps comes after apparent gatherings of large groups of people generated immensely hot debate in recent weeks. “That was damaging enough but then showers of people started raining heavy insults... Read more »

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CONCERN OVER FLEEING WOMEN

Fleeing Women

By Kay Bul TEMPORARY TAOISEACH Micheál Martin has reassured Taliban leaders that any Afghan women who flee to Ireland will be regarded fairly and given equal opportunities as men. The move comes as Taliban chiefs expressed their “deep concern” about State treatment of women in Ireland. Says worried Taliban cleric Musthaffa Shyte, “God knows, mná... Read more »

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CATHERINE MARTIN’S MUSIC TERMS

Catherine Martin

As culture minister I am often asked to explain complicated terms about the music industry. Here is my easy to understand guide about the issue. Prima donna Someone who loves the sound of their own voice and never listens to anyone. Eamon Ryan is a wonderful example of a prima donna. Soloist Impressive woman who... Read more »

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BEST EVER LEAVING CERT RESULTS

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99.87% of candidates who sat this year’s Leaving Cert have achieved the highest results ever recorded, according to State Examinations Commission figures. Ministers immediately congratulated the class of 2021, insisting that Irish students had clearly become much more intelligent during lockdown. Celebrating last night, one excited 18-year-old said: “So, I got like 13 H1 grade... Read more »

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AFGHANI INTERVENTIONS

Micheál Martin

Micheál Martin How could anyone respect a lame duck leader who couldn’t inspire an ounce of courage among his disgruntled foot soldiers? His weak, ineffective and arrogant government never enjoyed public support either. Dessie Farrell Things looked pretty good for so long but then everything fell apart in a matter of minutes. The Afghan security... Read more »

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WALLY FEARFUL FOR MALCOLM NOONAN

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Wally The Walrus has urged members of the public to keep their distance from Malcolm Noonan. The junior heritage minister was recently spotted lounging around Dáil Éireann, while the annual summer Dáil exodus has led to coalition TDs being spotted at numerous European sunspots. “The public need to have some cop on,” said Wally. “While... Read more »

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WHY WE’RE ALL ALREADY DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!

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By Annie Hack WE NOW know for certain that humankind has entered the last chance saloon. What is coming down the tracks will make Covid-19 feel like a harmless dose of hiccups. (Great start! – Ed). The Intergovernmental Panic on Climate Change report makes it crystal clear that every man, woman and child who crawls... Read more »

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NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES

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Busy Owen Keegan ran through the town, Counting every tent, with a heavy frown, Knocking all the soup runs, he said, They should have been, “Asleep in bed in hostels – where they’re never seen”

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POLITICAL CLIMATE BEING ‘IRREPARABLY DAMAGED’, WARN EXPERTS

Climate fumes

Climate scientists have warned of devastating consequences for the government if it continues to generate such immense quantities of hot air. An increasingly heated atmosphere in recent weeks has seen the tide go out for the coalition and this has the potential to cause even more troubled waters in the future, they said. Experts point... Read more »

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ELECTRIC PICNIC CANCELLATION REACTIONS!

Electric Picnic

Katherine Zappone I was really looking forward to going, but unfortunately I was recently diagnosed with tone-deafness, so maybe it’s all for the best. Van Morrison If they wanted people to stay away they should have asked me to play my new material. Michael O’Leary Actually, I’ve hated music ever since I’ve been told to... Read more »

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MARTIN CELEBRATES COVID VICTORY OVER BRITAIN

Michael Martin

Triumphant temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin has hailed “a great day for Ireland” as the country edged ahead of neighbours Britain in the number of feckless, embarrassing political scandals around Covid-19 behaviour. Beaming from ear to ear while thumping his chest, the Fianna Fáil leader said: “We now have a whopping 74.35% of our politicians caught... Read more »

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ALL-PURPOSE KELLIE HARRINGTON FILLER

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Irish boxer/Darling Dub Kellie Harrington’s victory was celebrated around the country/by all working-class people and has truly inserted this talented athlete/salt of the earth Jackeen into the pantheon of Irish sporting greats alongside [pick a few working-class types and avoid sailing or hockey]. The majestic achievement of this Olympian/plucky pugilist from Portland Road [check that’s... Read more »

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RTÉ AUTUMN SCHEDULE LOWLIGHTS

rte-logo

Operation Transformation Join fitness fanatic Kathryn Thomas as she goes through the motions, flogs dead horses, runs out of ideas and scrapes the bottom of the barrel in search of ratings and her own Saturday night chat show. Prime Time Miriam O’Callaghan and at least a dozen other presenters will return in September to discuss... Read more »

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HARRINGTON INSPIRED BY ‘POLITICAL LIGHTWEIGHTS’

Kellie Harrington

Ireland’s Olympic boxing hero Kellie Harrington has said she took huge inspiration from the Irish government, whom she describes as “the ultimate lightweights”. The Dublin fighter explained that she was impressed with the coalition’s nimble footwork, particularly when it came to avoiding any issues of substance whatsoever. “The speed they show when scrambling to save... Read more »

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MEGHAN AT 40

Meghan Markle

Birthday tributes pour in to Princess Meghan, Duchess of Sussex Katherine Zappone What a breath of fresh air – with her lively intelligence and frisky American background. Such a natural talent for defending freedom of opinion and expression. Meghan has shaken up Buck House’s fuddy-duddy world – and she also knows how to organise an... Read more »

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REVISED HAIL MARY FOR FIRST COMMUNION

hail mary

We’ve asked for more people to be allowed attend this ceremony But it’s a bit of a Hail Mary The government is a disgrace Lord we’re sick of Stephen Donnelly Blessed art rebel bishops and Mattie McGrath And what a mess they’ve made of these guidelines I mean, Jesus! Holy Mary, Mother of God Have... Read more »

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CORKMEN IN DESPERATE RACE

Simon and Leo

Captain Covetous with a crew member typically responsible for leaks By A Bandon-Shippe Two of Cork’s most famous sons, Simon Covetous and Mehole Martin, put on a valiant display of grit, speed and endurance, as they raced to see who could be the first to have their photograph taken with Olympic gold medallists Paul O’Donovan... Read more »

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RTÉ CRISIS LATEST

Marty

RTÉ is facing an “existential crisis” which could finally force it to produce some half-decent programmes, according to a shock report commissioned by the BAI. The bombshell document suggested the national broadcaster may have to rethink its programming strategy, which currently consists of churning out unwatchable dreck featuring the likes of Brendan O’Connor, Doireann Garrihy... Read more »

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NEW POETRY

Michael D Higgins

This week, Michael Twee’s: No More Work Every time I get the post I see the things I hate the most Reams and reams of feckin’ paper Sign this, sign that, sign ten more later I’ve dogs to walk and poems to write! I can’t be reading all this sh*te!! That’s why I said, “Sabina,... Read more »

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VAN MORRISON DOES SOMETHING SENSIBLE SHOCK

Van Morrison

by Our Music Staff Paige Filler There was widespread disbelief within the entertainment world yesterday following news that Sir Van Morrison had failed to make the headlines for all the wrong reasons by behaving sensibly in dropping his legal action. “It’s a crying shame because Van Morrison is a role model for hundreds of people... Read more »

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GARDAÍ WARN OF FRESH PHISHING SCAM

Garda

Gardaí are warning citizens to be wary of scam calls that have been targeting Irish phone numbers over recent weeks. The calls, which come from a blocked number, play a pre-recorded message of a frantic journalist asking if anybody has any news. “We’re weeks into silly season, my editor just asked me to live-tweet my... Read more »

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NEW FG STING OPERATION

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By Senan Baloney A source in the cabinet has conducted a new sting operation, amid growing concern in government circles that a minister has actually been doing some work. Cabinet members’ time is usually taken up with leaking stories to favourable hacks, attending piss-ups in five-star hotels and appointing their pals to cushy UN gigs,... Read more »

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THAT EXPLOSIVE MICHAEL D LETTER

President Higgins

Dear Ceann Comhairle, As you may know, heads of state are extremely busy people, I will not name names, but neither the current taoiseach nor any of his muddled ministers seem to comprehend why it is so unseemly that somebody as supremely capable as myself is now faced with the excruciating burden of forensically scrutinising... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD-3916

Micheál Martin Wally the walrus Refuses to walk the plank Climbed onto a boat Hard neck Thick skin No friends in cabinet No friends to play with Adrift in the polls Drifted on an iceberg Full of blather Full of blubber Completely toothless Sharp tusks Struggling to stay afloat Prolific swimmer

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SIMON COVENY’S BOB-A-JOB

Bob-a-Job

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THAT INDOOR DINING LEGISLATION IN FULL

Indoor dining

Spacing Government TDs are advised to keep a safe distance from any problems with the legislation down the line Passes Micheál Martin is hoping the public will give the government a free pass for pushing ahead with the essential reopening of indoor summer dining, if this legislation doesn’t result in further fiascos. Ventilation Ministers are... Read more »

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DUP DECRIES LEWIS’S NI ABORTION INTERVENTION

Jeffrey Donaldson

By Dee Backle Certain DUP MLAs have criticised Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Brandon Lewis, for his directive ordering Stormont to set up full abortion services in accordance with UK law. DUP leader, Jeffrey Donaldson spoke out against the decision, saying: “I fail to see how Westminster should have the right to officiate what... Read more »

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NI PROTOCOL ‘WON’T BE CHANGED UNTIL NEXT TIME’

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Brexit minister David Frosty has said if the EU agrees to rewrite certain aspects of the NI protocol, he will be satisfied until “we inevitably have to change it six months after that”. There is now growing belief that the protocol will be adapted into its own Netflix series, with new versions of the text... Read more »

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RECENTLY DIVORCED MAN INSISTS HE HAS ‘NOTHING TO PROVE’

Bezos

A newly single middle-aged man (pictured wearing a Stetson, while dressed as an astronaut) said his recent endeavours have been ‘in no way’ the result of a catastrophic mid-life crisis. Sources close to the man in question, a Jeff Bezos, wondered whether the colossal vanity project he embarked on – a trip to space –... Read more »

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MATERNITY HOSPITAL ROCKED BY LACK OF CONTROVERSY

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The troubled National Maternity Hospital project has been plunged into fresh crisis, after a 24-hour period elapsed in which no new controversy erupted. This is seen as a major setback, with the deadline of building the hospital story to peak levels now unlikely to be met. This development has undoubtedly come as a major shock,”... Read more »

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BANK CLOSURES UPDATE: HUGE INCREASE IN MATTRESS SALES REPORTED

dirty mattress

In an unexpected boost for the economy, mattress manufacturers across Ireland are reporting a surge in sales following the announcement of further bank branch closures in recent days. The decision by AIB means there will soon be just one bank per 700 betting shops in Ireland, while children of crooks operating ATM card skimming operations... Read more »

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NOTICE FROM GOV.IE

gov-ie

Please note callers to our Digital Covid Cert helpline are currently experiencing lengthy delays – however, we are confident your query will be dealt with before the Government Housing Plan arrives, some time in 2030. Also please note there is now a separate number for ministers currently on holidays and foreign junkets, though lines are... Read more »

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THOSE BEACON HOSPITAL VACCINE REPORT FINDINGS IN FULL

gov-ie

The school should certainly not have been offered the vaccines The school was offered the vaccines Therefore the hospital was seriously wrong Tsk Ah shur… Stuff happens It was months ago now anyway Very nice man, that Mr Cullen Very…decisive sort! I think that’s everything sorted chaps Anyone want these leftover biscuits?….

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NEW SLAUGHTER OUTRAGE

Horse

Following on from the Panorama exposé on the horseracing industry, a further scandal has erupted, with evidence emerging that Fianna Fáil sent forward Deirdre Conroy to be slaughtered in Dublin Bay South. There is now mounting concern that scores more FF candidates will suffer as the party is set to be butchered in the next... Read more »

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