Category: Craic & Codology

THOSE 2019 CULTURE NIGHT EXPERIENCES

Culture night logo

HSE

Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t.

Éir

Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling us on Friday for some assistance and waiting until Sunday to get through?

RTÉ

Take a safari on our famous Montrose campus and try to spy exotic creatures – such as Marty Morrissey, Miriam O’Callaghan and others – that are nowhere near becoming extinct, despite the public’s growing appetite for real entertainment.

Your local bank

An afternoon in the bank looking for an actual human staff member to talk to will prove a demanding and ultimately unsatisfying (banking) culture challenge.

THAT FÉILE 2019 LINE-UP

Creed

Creed
Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step.

Micheal Martin

The House Martin
Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of time to revive his flagging career. Needs a big hit soon.

Howlin

Howlin at the Lefties
Howlin has struggled to maintain public interest in his outfit and has resorted to whistling past the graveyard. Critics say a new voice is needed.

Arlene
Arlene and the Dupes
Strident front woman who continues to be overshadowed by her Westminster Greek chorus. Obsessed with maintaining UK royalties.

JOHN BOLTON FAVOURITES

John Bolton

Favourite film: World War Z
Favourite song: Invaders Must Die, The Prodigy
Favourite TV show: Empire
Favourite animal: Hawk
Favourite food: Yellowcake
Favourite weather: Desert Storm
Favourite strike: Pre-emptive
Favourite exercise: Arms race
Favourite hobby: Smoking guns
Favourite plant: Bush


Spotify Noel Grealish

TV LISTINGS

Keith Barry

The Keith Barry Experience – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Join magician Keith Barry as he shrinks RTÉ’s audience share before your very eyes. He will also attempt to hypnotise programme schedulers into giving him another series.

Phil Hogan

The Restaurant – Virgin Media One, 9.00pm: Phil Hogan reminiscences about the time he made a meal out of water charges and how he hopes to avoid getting skewered by beef farmers. Big Phil also reveals how he intends to make the Brexiteers eat crow.

Room to Improve – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Dermot Bannon travels to the Jordan Valley to meet Benjamin Netanyahu, who has become obsessed with moving his homeland to the far-right as rapidly as possible.

SINN FÉIN LOTTO WIN

SINN FEIN Thumbs Up

by Our Financial Staff – Phil Coffers

A PROMINENT political party leader based in West Belfast today collected one of the biggest-ever lottery wins in recent years.

At a public ceremony in the city centre, a smiling Michelle O’Neill received a cheque for £1.5 million (€1.65m) on behalf of a syndicate known as Sinn Féin.

Asked how the party would spend the money, Ms O’Neill replied, “It will not change our lives in the slightest as we just intend to carry on with our ordinary day-to-day activities, holding fundraisers, organising round-the-clock PR events and having the usual futile meetings with all the other parties with whom we can agree absolutely nothing in Stormont Buildings.”

Michelle admitted to reporters that she had ticked the box for “Maximum Publicity” because she was desperate to try anything that might curtail the Shinners’ dwindling support nationwide.

The latest bonanza is believed to be the largest pay-out for a Northern Ireland party since the DUP’s Arlene Foster claimed a whopping £1 billion when she scooped the Tory jackpot prize back in 2017.

ELECTRIC CAR TIPS

Shane Ross electric car

Motoring Expert Shane Ross’s Guide to Futuristic Driving

Q. Is Irish motoring changing radically?
A. Absolutely! Beyond recognition thanks to the latest progressive initiatives by the transport minister.
Q. Will self-drive cars be available soon?
A. Yep! It’s happening right now with ministerial vehicles in Leinster House.
Q. Are these new eco-friendly government models likely to go fast?
A. Deffo! Latest turbo-charged transport models capable of going from zero to 60 PR stunts in record time.
Q. What about the shortage of charging points?
A. No problem. There’s already hundreds of these in Stepaside and neighbouring areas.
Q. So what will define the future of Irish transport?
A. Hot air!

(That’s enough Motoring Expert – Ed.)

RTÉ AUTUMN TV HIGHLIGHTS

Ryan Tubridy

Coping with Climate Change
Montrose documentary that asks the vital questions. Will RTÉ disappear beneath the waves as viewers drift away? Why is Ray D’Arcy’s audience shrinking faster than was thought? How much more hot air can we expect from Brendan O’Connor? Is it possible to limit Maura and Daithí’s emissions?

The Daniel and Majella Road Trip
Follow the unpredictable adventures of viewers who go for a drive as soon as the crooner and his wife appear on the television.

Neighbours
New health series in which Pat Kenny describes what gets under his skin and up his nose, not to mention bringing him out in blisters and driving his blood pressure through the roof…

Too Late Late Show
Ryan ‘Tubs’ Tubridy recycles his winning fogey formula of tweed and soft soap.

COMPULSORY SIMON HARRIS

Simon Harris

Parents across Ireland say they will strongly resist any attempt to make Simon Harris compulsory.

“Simon would be a great shot in the arm for the country for decades to come,” noted one FG lackey yesterday, while another observer noted that the baby-faced minister “very easily gets under the skin”.

Parents, however, are strongly opposed to the idea. “I had a short dose of Simon Harris on radio last week and I suffered a bad reaction,” said a mother of three in Cork. “I don’t believe there’s an antidote and, if there was, the waiting list would stretch of years.”


Clownton Abbey

EPSTEIN ‘DIDN’T KNOW’

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By Terry-Bell Cad

RELATIVES of the late Jeffrey Epstein say his name is being “dragged unfairly through the mud” and insist the disgraced pervert moneybags “had no idea” that Prince Andrew was a member of the British Royal Family.

Speaking from one of the late paedophile’s two dozen yachts, the relative explained, “Jeffrey was no angel for sure and he did some very questionable things. But he’d have been appalled if he knew that Andrew was actually Prince Charles’s brother, travelling the world at others’ expense, hugging dodgy dictators and scratching the backs of shaky sheiks.”

It appears that, as far as Epstein was concerned, ‘Duke of York’ was a nickname and Andrew was just some sad case tagging along to pose with young women. The fact that he was far more loathsome was something Epstein only realised when it was too late and the financier’s name will be forever tarnished by its association with the House of Windsor.


Scott Masear - Crash test

MICHAEL CREED FAVOURITES!

Michael Creed

Favourite Film: Hamburger Hill
Favourite TV show: The Price is Right 
Favourite Band: The Flying Pickets
Favourite Song: Can’t You Hear the Cows, The Turtles
Favourite Comedian: Angus Deayton
Favourite Hobby: Bullfighting
Favourite Food: Curry favour
Favourite Exercise: Hand-wringing
Favourite Politician: Jack Straw
Favourite Body Part: Calf

McILROY FAILS TO F**K UP

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GOLFER Rory McIlroy stood accused last night of having little regard for the livelihoods of journalists.

The accusations followed the County Down man’s $15m victory in the FedExpensive Cup in Atlanta. The win side-swiped commentators, who had been poised to knock out mocking articles highlighting the latest disastrous underperformance from the golfer.

“I’d already factored in some lucrative overtime writing 2,000 words on the imminent demise of McIlroy as a golfer,” sighed a forlorn golfing columnist with a well-known online news platform. “He knew what he was doing when he turned on the afterburners but didn’t care who lost out … Typical McIlroy.”

It is unclear if the newly revitalised McIlroy will lead to actual job losses among sports hacks (the ongoing stability of his marriage to Erica Stoll after the Wozilroy era has already resulted in layoffs on social desks), but some believe Rory will return to his old ways, sooner rather than later.

“Let’s wait for the next major,” noted golfing correspondent Ian de Bunker. “I’ve no doubt I’ll be delivering acres of coverage about the meltdown in the paper, online and as TV pundit. Kerching! I’m booking my ski trip now.”


Spotify - Pr-Andrew

THE ROAD TO JAPAN 2019

Michael Martin

Micheal Martin
Rugby is very like politics, with lots of mauling and dragging guys down. I’ll be watching the props in particular – the better I become at propping up, the longer I’ll have a job.

Shane Ross

Shane Ross
If we protect our wicket like I know we can, then I’m sure the goals will come – providing we can avoid any punctures. Regardless of how many medals we win or none, I’m really looking forward to welcoming the girls home. Bravo!

Conor McGregor

Conor McGregor
I believe we’ll hammer everyone. I see the glass as half full. I said, THE GLASS IS HALF F***ING FULL! You got a problem wi’ dat? Now drink it! Take that, ya maggot!

Danny Healy-Rae

Danny Healy-Rae
God made balls round and ’tis totally unnatural and a sin to have them turned into egg-shapes for the pleasure of men and any wimmin dat might be near a telly. No good will come of it at all at all an’ God will burn de Amazon even more if dis World Cup goes ahead!

TOPICAL WORDS – COMPILED BY DICK SHUNARY

dictionary

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of words that have suddenly become newsworthy

Prorogue
To discontinue a session of (a parliament or other legislative assembly) without dissolving it.

Pro rogue
To be supportive of a rogue (a dishonest or unprincipled man).


Festy - Jiminy

ANCIENT SKULL VICTIM OF NOTORIOUS TRIBE

ancient skull

By Archie Ologist

GEOLOGISTS say damage to an ancient fossil skull found in Ethiopa may have been caused by a member of a notorious, warrior tribe known as the McGregorians.

The skull had a large section of jaw missing, which was “typical of the kind of damage inflicted by a single blow from a McGregorian,” says one expert.

The McGregorians, who were easily recognisable from their unattractive beards and big heads, originated in MMAcedona but briefly roamed the planet in Neanderthal times and acted like they owned it. They were known for random acts of violence.

Drinking vessels found close to the skull suggest conflict would have occurred at some sort of drinking hole.. “The McGregorians liked their grog and distilled their own Proper stuff for a time,” says one expert. “This may not have been wise. After all, they were very uncivilised times”.


Bernie - Christmas shopping

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3718

Oliver Cromwell Boris Johnson
Roundhead Pig-headed
Beheaded King Decapitated Theresa May
Suspended Parliament Suspended Parliament
Hated the Irish Really Hates the Irish
Genocidal Maniac Egomaniac
Sacked Wexford Sacked Old Cabinet
Puritanical Pure Chancer

AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH

Frank and Theresa McNamara

Their wide-eyed gaze, unruly hair and brave smiles speak volumes about their troubled lives. Frank and Theresa (their real names) have faced the most horrendous pressures recently. Sadly, the former Late Late Show pianist and his wife, an ex-RTÉ presenter, are guilty of nothing more than running up debts to the tune of €3.7m.

Cruelly saddled with so many unsecured loans, Frank and Theresa have had to endure the gross indignity of being hauled into court last month. Imagine their horror when a heartless judge was willing to write off a mere €2.9m – leaving them nothing other than their modest family home (valued at €550,000) and a small €181,000 inheritance.

It’s still hard to believe that the country’s best-known celebrity couple were never out of the public eye at one time. But all that is in the distant past and it is unlikely that Theresa and her famous composer husband will ever recover from their shocking experience as they stare into the dark abyss. Now, more than ever, they need all the support and sympathy that they deserve.

A candle-lit vigil will be held in a fashionable Dublin bistro on Saturday September 7th for RTÉ luvvies and members of the legal profession.

Invitation only.

KRISPY KREME SPECIALS

Donuts

To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market:

The Schmidt
This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering.

The Deasy
Crusty lump of dough that never goes well with Coffey. The traditional Waterford recipe seems already set to be withdrawn from market. No longer even popular in Waterford.

The McCarthy
An old underwhelming recipe rescued from obscurity following years when dismissed as stale. Often served Swiss-trolled. Unlikely to be favoured over the typically superior Danish.

The Bailey
Not to everyone’s taste and quick to turn sour. Half-baked traditionally but wild swings of flavour leave a very bitter taste in the mouth Most likely toast in the future.

THE DAILY BORISGRAPH – HARD BORDER ALTERNATIVES!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s new PM tells it like it isn’t

Bozza here! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making of this whole Prime Minister thingy. Well, it wouldn’t actually be ultra-hard after Mrs Mayhem’s totally shambolic efforts.

Anyway, you know, I’m not one for blowing my own trumpet, but yours truly has certainly hit the terra cotta running by suspending all those MP oiks and completely outsmarting the groaners and remoaners who say the Bozmeister isn’t up to the mark at handling things.

What utter piffle! I’ve already told our awkward chums in Euroland that I’m willing to solve the border backstop mix-up pronto. Simply make Varadkar and Co a decent offer to buy Ireland and take it off their hands for good – just like old Trumpy’s trying to do with Greenland.

Meanwhile, I’ve put democracy on hold until I’ve done what has to be done to get this bally Brexit business sorted and then everyone can have it back again afterwards. You can’t say fairer than that.

So let’s be clear – it’s time to do things my way. Parliament going to vote against me? Kapow! No more Parliament! Solution or what?

Which means that BoJo and Carrie can enjoy a quiet night in with no nonsense – and definitely no blazing rows – before watching a good old Churchill doc and a quick spot of rumpy. Toodle pip!

RYANAIR ‘SAVING THE PLANET’

Ryanair seats

By Environment Correspondent – E. Missions

ENVIRONMENTAL groups around Europe have praised Ryanair for its “tremendous contribution to the environment” in the wake of the company’s industrial difficulties.

“Everyone knows that air travel is a significant contributor to air pollution and Ryanair has long led the way in dissuading people from flying entirely,” smiled Welsh activist Reese Icle yesterday. “But in recent weeks the company has pushed the boat out – literally. The concept of no airplanes flying at all is truly heartening. Michael O’Leary is a hero!”

A spokesman for Ryanair said the company will “continue to strive to bring its customers not only to a location close to a source of transport to bring passengers where they actually want to go, but also as close to the date they wish to travel as can reasonably be expected”.

RYANAIR – THE NO FARES AIRLINE

Ryanair logo

CALLING ALL HOLIDAY-MAKERS!

Still planning on taking a late summer break this month?

Why not take your holiday right here at home where you can enjoy a week in the hot spot that everybody’s talking about? Staycations have never been more popular, so why not pack your bags and the kids – and head to your nearest airport.

THE CHEAP HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME – WITH NO HIDDEN COSTS

  • Spacious lounge floor areas mean you are guaranteed seat comfort.
  • Wide choice of barely edible fast food.
  • No chance of being stranded in Budapest because they’ve ballsed up their holiday rota. 

ENJOY THE RYANAIR EXPERIENCE – BUT AT A MUCH LOWER ALTITUDE

BORIS-LEO SUMMIT MENU

boris leo

Non-Starters
Cripes Suzettes
True-Blue Cheese
Steamed-up Fruits of Office
*****
Fishy Course
Burnt Fingers du jour with old beans
*****
Mains
Cold Cuts of Duck a l’Orange issue
Peas in our time (unavailable)
Cooked Goose with Union Jack(et)
Potatoes
(Served on a bed of own making)Off the Trolley
Soft Border Fudge
Right Eton Mess
Steamed-up Sticky Brexit Pudding
Selection of Sizzling Tarts. Pwworr!
*****
To Drink
UK Whines

ROSE OF TRA-LEO FAVOURITES

Rose of Tralee launch

by Our Summer Filler Staff Phillipa Page

FESTIVAL fever is at an all-time high right now as Kerry welcomes thousands of visitors to see who will become the 2019 Rose in this year’s 60th anniversary competition. As always, presenter Leo Varadkar will be on hand to upstage the contestants as they chat about their hobbies and passions. Here they are – the hot favourites to take the crown

Maria Bailey
The outgoing Dún Laoghaire Rose has rarely been out of the limelight since winning the ‘Miss Adventure’ title earlier this year. Originally an odds-on chance after leap-frogging her rivals, Maria has fallen (painfully) to 900/1 in recent weeks – although insiders reckon she could still just swing it.
Josepha Madigan
Never far from the head of the betting, the effervescent Rathdown Rose has come a long way since her early days (last month) as ‘Miss Judgement’. With a lot of support from locals – particularly those opposed to methadone clinics – Josepha fully expects to be flaunting the winner’s sash again at this year’s festival.
Mary Lou McDonald
This year’s Dublin Central Rose is no stranger to lavish coronation ceremonies. While continuing to rapidly lose ground with the bookies, ‘Miss Guided’ remains confident of being in with a fighting chance. “I’ve always been involved in empowering pageants and close friends tell me I’m doing a good job,” she said.
Michelle O’Neill
Northern Rose Michelle – formerly ‘Miss Hap’ in the Belfast heats, is hoping to make her mark despite all the odds stacked against her. Among her great passions is travelling, but she admits that she’s gone absolutely nowhere over the past two years. (That’s enough hot favourites – Ed.)


Wilbur - Nemo

FARAGE POUR HOMMES

farage fragrance

Advertisement

From the makers of Paco Des Menaces, Farrago de Tales and Eau Non C’est Boris! comes an exhilarating new fragrance that will simply overpower you.

A unique masculine fragrance that lets you project that traditionally British gentleman style. Guaranteed to get you ranting about Meghan Markle and other pushy immigrants destroying the UK.

A truly toxic blend of xenophobia, swivel-eyed racism and just a hint of milkshake will make you irresistible to right-thinking people like yourself.

“Gosh! One dab of Farage and the tabloids are all over you!” – B. J. (London)


Serg - Bacteria

MARY MITCHELL O’CONNOR’S COLLEGE ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Mary Mitchell O'Connor

1 Use your generous grant allowance to secure a suitable apartment of your choice.
2 This should ensure a decent-sized room in Trinners.
3 Or a standard €11,590 place in Roebuck Castle.
4 If there are any difficulties with your Susi application, simply contact the Higher Education Minister’s office – she’ll definitely sort you out with some top advice.
5 Switch from your bicycle to a nippy brand new e-car and immediately feel the benefits of generous state grants to ease that rent burden.
6 Failing all that, get Mummy and Daddy to pay the €14,900 or so you need for the academic year to share a box room in Rathmines.

(That’s enough Guide – Ed.)


Angel has Fallen

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3717

StD 3717

CARRIE LAM MICHAEL O’LEARY
Acting like a puppet Acting like a muppet
Leader of Hong Kong Behaves like King Kong
Under pressure from Chinese government Under pressure from shareholders
Responsible for controversial extradition bill Responsible for controversial baggage bills
Wants to keep airport open Wants to close airports
Dealing with angry protesters Dealing with angry pilots
Fluent in English Fluent in Chinese whispers
Days numbered? Going nowhere

Trump plan

SPORT IN THE OIRISH SUN

Oirish Sun logo

Transfer deadline latest

Wayne Dundon

Wayne Dundon

Wayne Dundon has moved from Segregated Cell to Solitari Confinement. Although he remains in the Mountjoy Major League, Limerick-born Dundon is reported to be unhappy with the move, saying, “I was very content where I was. There was a great atmosphere in the dressing room surrounded by the likes of Simmy Carde and Sam Sung. Moving to Solitari is not the transfer I really wanted to be honest – which I’m not”.

Freddie Thompson

Freddie Thompson

There was disappointment too for Dubliner Fat Freddy Thompson, who was hoping for a move from Severe Regime to Open Prizen AFC . “The atmosphere at Severe is toxic. There are too many players in the squad and the dressing room is overcrowded. But the gaffer wants to keep me where I am. I’m determined to get away, but the gaffer has told me I will also miss the next transfer deadline. And maybe a few more after that.”


Warehouse Fillers

THE ANGEL VISITS SIMON

bible scripture

A reading from the Book of Doom (Plugs 1:6 – 21)

And in the 19th year, the Angel Politico didst appear and verily asketh of a simple man, known as Simon of Harris, who didst claim to be a great healer, ‘Wouldst thou liketh to lead your people?’ And a great joy filled Simon’s heart and mind as he didst noddeth his head 26 times with great speed. And when Simon didst speaketh, he promised hope to the 10,000 sick that soon they wouldst have a crib of straw to lie on. And he sayeth too that many people didst dance with joy on hearing he giveth the word that they would build a big tent for the children of the land, or at least the children’s children, maybe. “So yes, I am worthy of leading my people” he didth declare to the angel. But on hearing these tidings, the people throughout the land didst look to the Heavens and great was the wailing and gnashing of teeth. And all called out to God, ‘Why hast thou forsaken us?’ Amen.


Festy Dolmen

THE STEFANIE PRISONER COLUMN – THE POWER OF KNOW

Stefanie Preissner

Is it just me or does anyone else have a massive issue with beginning an article with “Is it just me”?

“Is it just me” were actually the first words I uttered for the whole of my first month. I took that phrase and milked it for all it was worth. I was brilliant at it.

“Is it JUST me?” “IS it just me?” “Is IT just me?” Yes, I tried them all. But my favourite was “Is it just ME?”

And of course it was! Just ME! And now it still is. Just ME!

I revel in that phrase. I let it sit between my lips, let it melt in my mouth, spit it into the face of anybody who tries to put me down. It works every time. I should know… (continues ad nauseam)

ELECTRIC PICNIC SIDESHOWS

EP sideshows

Comedy

Brendan Howlin

Veteran performer Brendan Howlin draws on newly recycled material dealing with such daily challenges as pissing against the wind and rising from the grave. Hilarious segment on putting faith in the Labour Party.

The Spoken Word

Dee Forbes

Hear RTÉ wordsmith Dee Forbes defy the conventional boundaries of rhyme and reason as she reflects on the need for more public money to save endangered species, such as Marty Morrissey and Ray Farce, from extinction. Note: Poetic licence needed to see this show – now €300.

Music

Shane Ross

Eclectic experience as the once-popular Micheál of the Housemartins plays second fiddle to silver spoon exponent Leo from Sultans of Spin, with Shane ‘Diana’ Ross blowing his own trumpet centre stage. Guaranteed to have you shaking your head.

THE DAILY BORISGRAPH – WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Boris boxing

Britain’s future politico tells it like it isn’t

WHAT A week with Bojo going head to head with old Jeremy Hunt, my formal rival-in-arms – who is really a pretty decent chap when all’s said and done!

So, it’s all go in Downing Street again, shoulder to shoulder with the Huntmester in a spanking new Tory Cabinet. We’re 100% united once more and on the proverbial brink of a bright new dawn on the world stage.

As for all this Brexit guff and our chums in Ireland, let’s be clear. What yours truly actually decreed was that I intend to scrap this backstop nonsense for good – which some people wantonly misinterpreted as meaning that in some way I’d be scrapping the backstop.

To be fair to the Irish, they’re not as awful as those mad mullahs, but they’re still never happy. Varadkar himself isn’t a complete oik – but he doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Just shows that people will sometimes go for an obvious no-hoper, I suppose.

Of course, the whole political business takes all sorts – including that Brussels shower. Not that they’re all bad. Take Ursula von der Vatever, for example. Phwoarr! Eminent Euro-style totty, eh? Makes one proud to be back in the saddle where the Boz Man belongs.

ONES TO AVOID AT GALWAY RACES

Jockey Harris

Hay Chess See: Accident-prone old plodder with a worrying reputation for taking the wrong course or refusing to co-operate altogether. Hapless stable soon to be broken up and under-performing creatures dispersed.

Jockey Ross

Abbotstown Boyo: From the stable that gave us the expensive-to-follow Waterford John, this perennial loser will have claimer S Ross on his back, desperately trying to rein the expensive beast in as usual. Will start friendliness and usual calls to retire to grass will ensue.

Jockey Trump

Nosebag Donald: Highly strung American rider with an unattractive head carriage and a worrying record of veering violently to the right when under pressure. Blinkers apply as always and sure to disappoint away from home yet again. Glue factory material.

Jockey Robinson

Mayo Robbo: Once-popular filly whose recent form has raised deep concern amongst commentators, not least in Dubai’s Coming Home Stakes, where she came off second best in a photo finish alongside local hope Princess Lost. Punters will neither forget not forgive that disappointment.

Jockey Murphy

Houseless Eoghan: Certainly not one for the mortgage as ongoing failure to fulfill early promise continues. Punters getting tired of excuses from the Blueshirt stables and… (That’s enough also-rans for another year – Ed.)

THE ‘BOTTLER’ WHO KNEW ME

Brendan Grace and Twink

By Twink

Brendan always badly wanted to be close to me and was even born three days before me on 1st April. Fools’ Day don’t ye know!!

When I was only really starting out on my stellar career, I was, I believe, the inspiration for the ‘Bottler’ character for Brendan. And that ‘Father of the Bride’ character too.

And I was more than happy to introduce Brendan to many of my Hollywood friends in LA (that’s Hollywood for Los Angeles) such as Frank Sahara, Tommy Davis Senior and, of course, Hairy Combover. To be fair, Brendan was always grateful for the various breaks I gave him.

This is why I have been so happy to speak at length about my career (and Brendan’s of course) over the last harrowing week. The Irish entertainment industry needs a figurehead at a time like this.

Of course, if Brendan were there now, he would be the first to remind you of my own highlights over many decades at the top, including…

(Continued inside p3-10. ‘Brendan Grace: A Life Remembered’ is on p11)


Keyes - Too Much Info

DONALD TRUMP FAVOURITES

American Flag

Favourite film: Triumph of the Will
Favourite song: Get Back, The Beatles
Favourite TV show: Banged Up Abroad
Favourite food: Red meat
Favourite band: Big Country
Favourite exercise: Races
Favourite colour: White
Favourite clothing: Flares
Favourite website: MyHome.ie

THAT FAI AGENDA

Soccer Shane Ross

1. Lock the doors
2. Pull down the blinds
3. Re-arrange the chairs
4. Prayer to Saint John of the Poor Delaney
5. Arrangements for upcoming visit to ostrich farm
6. Nominations for post of technician to cover tracks
7. Has anyone seen the accounts ledger and the calculator lately?
8. None of anyone’s business
9. That was a fast 10 minutes
10. Slip out the side door lads while Ross is out the front…

AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIM OF THE MONTH

Lisa Smith

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Lisa (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers over recent times. One of countless captured ISIS brides, she is being held in a remote refugee camp on the Syrian border with Iraq.

Lisa previously endured five years of unimaginable boredom in the Irish Defence Forces before transferring to the Air Corps. During a particularly harrowing period of her tragic life, she worked on the government jet and was forced against her will to come into regular contact with self-styled politicians, including Bertie Ahern and Micheál Martin.

In a desperate bid for freedom, the Dundalk woman fled to Syria, where she was immediately coerced into an arranged marriage, and compelled to wear the traditional hijab and forgo all basic make-up (including brow gel and under-eye concealer).

As her reputation continues to be dragged through the Irish media, Lisa is facing even greater suffering and humiliation. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar is threatening to have her sent home to be deradicalised by gardaí and turned into a mindless Fine Gael supporter.

At this critical time, more than ever, she needs all the support and sympathy that she deserves. A candle-lit vigil will be held outside Leinster House on Friday 26th July. No women allowed.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3715

StD-3715

Diarmuid Connolly John Delaney
Problems with visa No problems with visa card
Back in the spotlight Fans in the dark
Always kicking points Known for kicking for touch
Popular with the Dubs Not popular with the PAC
Put back in the Dublin team Put on gardening leave
Explosive temper Explosive allegations
Always a handful Always has hands full
Hoping to retain Sam Maguire Hoping to retain six-figure salary