THE DAILY TORYGRAPH
Boris: Nil Desperandum! Britain’s head honcho tells it like it isn’t
TRIPLE CRIPES! What a busy week with all this unholy hullabaloo about seeing off the Eurocrats once and for all. Well, entirely thanks to the gargantuan efforts of yours truly, the whole Brexit hoo-ha is almost done and dusted. Bozza to the rescue again by whizzing off not one but three letters to Brussels, all cleverly written in invisible ink! Old Tusk and his wine-sodden chums certainly didn’t see that coming.
Ipso facto, it’s now just a case of holding the famous rampant nerve until election time when we can finally trounce Comrade Corbyn and get the Westminster wollies to rubber-stamp my bold initiative to exit the God-awful EU post-haste. Meantime, without any more ado or die, the plan is to courageously trundle on as if nothing has happened – which, unfortunately, it hasn’t.
Truth be told, a lot of Bojo’s problems lie solely with our Jurassic pals in the DUP. Apart from conniptions over some harmless trade paperwork, Dodds and co have gone even more apoplectic over the whole gayness thing being legalised behind their backs. Absolute piffle!
Mind you, it’s never easy dealing with a shower of deceitful bullies who want everything their own way. Speaking of which, at least it won’t be long now before the UK is doing mega-deals with the Trumpster and our new American buddies – and we can all look forward to tucking into hormone-enriched turkey by Christmas. Yummers!
Nightmare on Every Street
A man gets a job as a taxi driver in Dublin and soon enters a nightmare world filled with obnoxious students, spontaneous projectiles of vomit, bankers, consultants and racists; where overworked gardaí take 25 minutes to arrive. Watch for the scene where a furious Roy Keane gets splashed.
Night of the Living Dead
Relive Ireland’s 2019 Rugby World Cup campaign as a helpless group of 15 individuals try to resurrect their dream. Instead, they are ruthlessly buried without trace by a scary group dressed like priests who drive a stake through the Irish hearts. (PG advised as some scenes involving ‘Blazers’ are particularly harrowing.)
A man is lured to a remote mountain cabin where he is locked into a room and forced to boil water to render it fit for drinking. Too long.
Let The Right One In
Strange goings on in Leinster House as the door to the chamber is opened and it becomes clear, in horrifying detail, who is inside and who is out. Truly unbelievable.
RUGBY’S DAY OF SHAME
Why Are These Losers Still Breathing?
by Our Sports Editor – Phil Backpage
Ireland’s World Cup is well and truly over – back in the gutter after yet another disgraceful quarter-final mugging. But the big question is why oh why is Joe Schmidt’s overpaid pack of pampered failures still blatantly going about their daily lives with no shame at all.
Having embarrassed their country again, these total has-beens then have the nerve to show their utter contempt for the fans by flying back home as though they were national heroes. Who do they think they are? Katie Taylor? No wonder sports minister Shane Ross kept his head down.
These players have brought rugby to its knees and raised its ugly head. If the great Peter Stringer was watching their dismal performance, he would be spinning in his grave.
Schmidt should be frog-marched to Dublin Airport as soon as possible and deported to New Zealand with a hood over his head. (That’s almost enough outrage – Ed.)
IRISH WATER FEAR EXCUSES DRYING UP
by Our Environmental Staff – Phil Bucket
Irish Water issued a renewed warning last night that the company is facing “a major shortage of excuses” over the coming months.
A spokesperson for the waterless utility said: “We are currently experiencing an exceptional drought of credible reasons to explain why we have simply not been able to do the job we are paid to do.”
In the meantime, Irish Water has urged consumers to be prepared for further restrictions next week. “We might well be forced to take drastic measures,” said the spokesperson, “by putting a nationwide ban on excuses for why we’ve completely failed to invest in modernising the system and are making a hames of everything.”
LEBANON PANIC LEADS TO EVACUATION
LEBANON entered a worrying phase yesterday after a well-known Irish ‘celebrity poet’ was forced to evacuate from the capital Beirut as angry crowds gathered in the city.
According to reliable accounts, Michael Twee, sometimes known as ‘The President’, had mentioned Galway 2020 and then volunteered to read some of his poetry. Panic set in.
The atmosphere clearly became tense and, before he had time even to open the book, Mr Twee was ushered down the fire escape, out a side door and into a car. He was driven at high speed to the airport, bundled on to a private plane and was in the skies within minutes.
According to one observer, “His little feet never even touched the ground throughout! Everybody was immensely relieved to see him on his way.”
Lightweight superhero and Cheshire cat masquerade. Watch your friends gasp in horror at the ghastly permo-fixed smirk.
Vampire bat mask and hard-faced scowl will transport you right back to the late 17th century. NOOOO!
Victorian skull encased in top hat. See your family scream as Britain’s scariest Old Etonian starts spouting Latin at them.
Identifying non-binary 100% gender-neutral clown mask. (Includes free copy of the author’s novel, My Brother is My Sister).
Dr Ciara Kelly
Ultra-spooky traditional blood-soaked witch zombie with ultra-populist appeal for Newstalk listeners, taxi-drivers etc.
FIANNA FÁIL ABSTENTIONISM CHALLENGED
SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to end his party’s deeply controversial policy of abstentionism.
The Fianna Fáil leader has come in for sustained criticism following revelations that a number of FF TDs had failed to show up for key votes and arranged for surrogates to vote in their place.
SF president Mary Lou McDonald claimed Martin was ideologically rigid and the behaviour of FF TDs was eroding confidence in the Dáil.
Pointing to the suspension of Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins, Ms McDonald noted that Lisa Chambers has remained in situ, “Clearly she must know what buttons to press.”
IRELAND PLAYERS ‘FULLY RECOVERED’
By Dee Posers
THE IRFU today confirmed that the country’s international players will be “fit and raring to go” in time for the winter clubbing season.
Many of the country’s well-known representatives like to frequent Ireland’s trendiest hot spots and are much admired by ordinary revellers and glossy supplements as they pose with young women just inside the foyer.
IRFU official Kuban Ceegar dismissed fears that the awkward timing of the Japan World Cup might have taken its toll on the players and restricted their social lives. “Not a bit of it,” he laughed. “To be honest, they look like they weren’t even there!
“The lads can’t wait to get back doing what they are really good at, as well as preparing to attempt to win the Six Nations… or maybe just give Italy a proper thrashing.”
SHOCK AS ROSS ABSENT
THERE WERE eyebrows raised in alarm at Dublin airport after Minister for Sport and Photo Opportunities Shane Ross failed to pop up when the Irish rugby team returned home after their World Cup 2019 exploits. (Surely debacle? – Ed.)
As the players slipped furtively into the arrivals hall, keen-eyed observers were unable to locate the Dublin South politician. “I was simply shocked,” said one eye-witness. “I watched him on TV when Katie Taylor returned and I thought he loved all sport. Now I’m confused.”
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3722
||Remains in the EU
|Starring role in Spanish Civil War
||Starring role in Brexit Civil War
|Ruled with an iron fist
||Rules with a foot in his mouth
THOSE GAA CHAMPIONSHIP RULE CHANGES IN FULL
- Joe Brolly to be relegated entirely from the RTÉ panel
- Remaining panellists to be allowed aggressively self-promote
- Leinster football championship to be dumped in the Sin Bin
- If referee is bundled into their car boot post-match, the losing team must pay for locksmith
- No more criticism of the Sky deal
- GAA to mark cards of critics
HALLOWEEN BREXIT BONFIRE
Read The Phoenix Craic & Codology
Read The Phoenix Craic & Codology
HISTORY IS A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH I AM TRYING TO AWAKE
Read The Phoenix Craic & Codology
Read The Phoenix Craic & Codology
THE DAILY TORYGRAPH
BORIS: Let’s do it! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes!
What an absolutely spot-on victory for yours truly in getting the Euro shower to think again before pointing the fickle finger of blame at poor old Bozza for everything. Just when Brexit disaster loomed, cue a hastily arranged get-together with our fair-weather friend Murphy (surely Varadkar? – Ed) at some country-house wedding venue in the middle of nowhere. And hey presto – a sudden burst of vague optimism saves the day.
Does no harm to keep the oiks thinking that we could ever agree for long on anything. Old Leo’s a complete lightweight diva, of course – couldn’t drag him away from the cameras. A complete charlatan – we hit it off straightway.
Meantime, I can tell the doom-mongers who predict the worst after Brexit that there is no chance of civil unrest – it’s actually going to be very uncivil indeed. Anyway, we need to get our skates on before the good old UK becomes some kind of vassal state under the Euro Reich. Cripes! Just imagine the nightmare scenario of a future under uber-dictator Frau Merkel and her henchmen constantly hogging the sun loungers. That’s why it’s vital we exit Europe and get this thing done -– put Bojo back in No 10 for the next five years.
HALLOWEEN BREXIT BONFIRE
ANGER AS RUGBY DISRUPTS WEATHER
RUGBY WORLD CUP JAPAN 2019
by Our Man in Tokyo Harry Kane
The world of violent tropical storms was rocked to its foundations when an outbreak of international rugby threatened to ruin the arrival of Typhoon Hagibis in Japan.
Local residents, who were forced to sit through 80 minutes of Ireland’s match with Samoa in Fukuoka, expressed their anger at what had happened. “As usual, we were expecting flooded streets, uprooted trees and twisted rooftops, and being blown head-first into collapsing buildings by record-breaking winds,” said one irate supporter. “The last thing we needed was a sudden outbreak of sport spoiling everything.”
Meanwhile, the Rugby World Cup has entered its sixth week, with no sign of it finishing any time soon. Even the most dedicated fans are now wondering if the competition will ever end.
Said one former rugby enthusiast, Mike Madeupname: “I can’t recall much about the early rounds of the current tournament when I was a young man, but some of my vague memories of the group stage matches include Tonga’s legendary Hugjabugga Gauja collapsing the scrum against France. Surely it will all end?”
This is Seán. Do not be fooled. Behind the smiling features and proud nose lies a tale of heart-breaking sorrow and impoverishment.
Seán was once a titled personage and one of the richest men in Ireland. His greatest love (besides himself) was climbing. He reached the higher rungs on the social ladder and the upper regions of the rich lists, but then tragedy struck and Seán suffered a momentous fall. The tumble landed him on his rear end on very shaky ground. Battered and bruised, he sought to make his own way again across the Atlantic, but his persecutors followed him relentlessly. Today, Seán is desperately trying to survive on just $5 a week and he needs your help to get back on his feet and reclaim his title of Baron of Ballsbridge. You can donate online at www.dunnerstories.comedy
WOMEN HAVE ROW
The entire world held its breath last night as the wives of two well-known footballers had a row on social media.
“We haven’t seen anything like this,” said one tabloid editor, “since yesterday.”
On other pages:
- WAGS – assorted untalented women getting an awful lot of attention
- WAGES – footballers given ridiculous amounts of money
- 100s of full-colour pics of your favourite footballers’ wives
- Comment: Why Coleen and Rebekah are completely misunderstood
- Comment: Why Coleen and Rebekah are completely bitchy
- Why we can’t fill our pages with real news
COLEEN TACKLES IRELAND’S GREAT MYSTERIES
by Our Social Media Staff Phillipa Page
WAG investigator Coleen Rooney turns her attention to some of Ireland’s historical stories.
Countless theories have been put forward as to what happened to this champion racehorse back in 1983, with persistent rumours that Col Gadaffi was involved. However, after blocking everyone from viewing her Instagram stories except for one prominent former senior Sinn Féin figure, Coleen can now reveal the kidnap was carried out by an IRA gang led by Rebekah Vardy, who masterminded the whole thing.
Dublin City Council Protection Money Mystery
A huge Twitter storm continues about whether council officials sanctioned payments to Dublin gangsters to stop attacks on building workers. Coleen has now used all of her forensic investigative skills (Instagram) to prove that there is absolutely no truth in the reports since ordinary decent criminals would never risk their hard-won reputations by having anything to do with dodgy councillors.
Who was really to blame for the financial crisis of 2008 and the disastrous bail-out that followed? Coleen has been delving into the records overnight and has just concluded that leading bankers and the Irish government were jointly responsible for this monumental cock-up. She also concludes that unsecured bondholders were crazed with greed and desperate for celebrity magazine publicity. (That’s enough Coleen – Ed.)
TRUMP VOWS TO ‘PULL US OUT OF AMERICA’
IN THE latest controversy to impact on the White House, President Donald Trump has announced that he is “pulling the United States out of America”.
Unveiling the surprise strategy while posing beside a range of Big Macs, Trump said, “It’s time America stood on its own two feet. America didn’t help us when we were fighting the Injuns! I have ordered the United States to immediately, like right now, withdraw from that bad, bad country with immediate exrtreme effect.”
When asked how this could be accomplished given the two countries are one and the same, the president said he would ask Valadimir Putin for more detail.
THOSE RTÉ CHAT SHOW CONTENDERS
Made her name in legendary home comedy productions like Drying Paint and Growing Grass and is considered a safe pair of jaws by station management. Even described by some as “Tubs in a skirt”.
One of RTÉ’s rising young stars with a “zany zest for living on the edge”, says one veteran producer. “Don’t be surprised if Kay arrives on your screen wearing a blue dress and sporting red hair with red highlights! Its risqué, but it might just work.”
Though only seven years old, advocates say she would bring a “seamless continuity” to the Saturday night slot, smoothly transitioning from Ray D’Arcy, while attracting a younger audience. On the minus side, bedtime is 10.30pm.
Impressed RTÉ executives this year with her megaphone skills with Publicity Rebellion. Would not tolerate any further build-up of rubbish on Saturday nights.
NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES
City Council, City Council,
where have you been?
To the bank, to the bank, for the
City Council, City Council, why were your bags so filled?
So the frazzled lads on the site could continue to build.
Simple Simon met a pie man
back from A&E
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘How was the HSE?’
The pie man said to Simple Simon,
‘I heard consultants talk …
And every word I overheard agreed that you should walk!’
GREEN MEN SHOCK!
There is an accepted practice in Japan that, when pedestrians wish to cross the street, they must first wait for the Green Man. These days nobody is waiting for the Green Man.
All over Japan, the lights are going out on the little Green Men. It seems their batteries are dying in the humidity and cannot be recharged. Local Green Man expert J’o Shmii said he could not explain what was going wrong and that the Green Men lights had been fully functioning last year in all conditions. “Maybe time is finally up,” he suggested.
BUDGET 2020 SUMMARY
- 2,000 trolleys in hospital corridors to get new wheels over next 10 years, with the remaining 700 to be oiled.
- HSE apologies to be streamlined, with admission of culpability and compensation payments to be made six months earlier than in 2019.
- Shane Ross emissions to be reduced by 50%.
- 15% increase in efforts to get the FAI to come clean.
- No more trees to die to facilitate further books of ‘wisdom’ by Michael Healy-Rae.
- Eoghan Murphy to create 2,500 new expectations before the next general election.
- Supports to be put in place immediately to stop the roof falling in on Minister Murphy.
- Charities that help rough sleepers to be given five extra pats on the back.
A Consultant Writes: As a very important senior doctor who practises in one of the elite medical specialties, I am often asked, “What exactly is wrong with the Minister of Health?”
The simple answer is that Mr Harris is suffering from a routine government condition that we experts call Auditory Impairmentis Normalis, also known as profound hearing deficiency.
What happens is that after a long period in charge of the HSE, the minister becomes increasingly deaf to the acute suffering of consultants across the country. He is also prone to other very serious symptoms, such as inane chattering, obsessive self-promotion and votes of no confidence in his ability to deliver quality healthcare.
This is closely linked to Privatus Eradicationitis (the risk of removing private medicine from public hospitals), which could have catastrophic consequences, not least on the salaries of my highly paid colleagues.
Unfortunately, if you are worried about Simon Harris, there is nothing you can do about it.
MICK WALLACE’S HOUSE CONTENTS
624 pink shirts
135 unopened letters from Revenue
1 large comb (unused)
1 bottle of Shannon duty-free whiskey
29 cases of Italian wines from ‘de brudder’
1 single fare receipt for flight to Brussels
1 photo album – mainly Clare Daly
2 travel guides –‘Brussels on Expenses’ and ‘Strasbourg for Beginnners’
2,717 written requests for an apology from Alan Shatter
1 Wexford Youths trophy cabinet (empty)
TONIGHT’S TV HIGHLIGHTS
• Darklands (Virgin Media) New, gritty drama focusing on a brutal gang war in a small Irish town. Violent and disquieting portrayal of a troubled teenage boy who dreams of becoming a ruthlessly aggressive MMA fighter. Trouble starts when his handlers pull off an audacious raid to capture the entertainment pages of every newspaper in the country. Could this be the next Love/Hate?
• Dublin Murders (RTÉ1) Gritty new drama focusing on the brutal murder of a young girl on the outskirts of a crime-ridden city. Violent and unsettling. Trouble starts when the investigating team come up against two ruthless gangs of Dublin-based broadcasters who are intent on taking viewers for a ride before leaving them all half-dead with boredom. Could this be the new Love/Hate? (That’s enough gritty drama – Ed.)
JOHN BANVILLE FAVOURITES
Favourite film: When a Stranger Calls
Favourite song: Would I Lie To You? (Charles and Eddie)
Favourite TV shows: Scandi noir
Favourite book: The Ego Has Landed
Favourite bird: Gull
Favourite sweet: Humbug
Favourite exercise: Leg pulling
Favourite food: Gammon
Favourite psychological condition: Stockholm Syndrome
DELANEY IN SENSATIONAL CODE SWITCH
by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box
In a sensational development, the FAI announced John Delaney’s resignation from his long-time position within the association. A brief statement confirmed that Delaney will take up a new post as IRFU executive vice-president (Bridging Loans Division) with immediate effect.
Rugby supporters are coming to terms with the news, which sent shockwaves throughout Irish sport. “After recent humiliating defeats,” said one hopeful fan, “I think it’s time to let Delaney use his financial expertise to transform our fortunes – just as he has done for himself.”
A spokesman for Delaney has said that he is looking forward to his new job. “John’s record speaks for itself. It takes an exceptional CEO to create an organisation such as the current League of Ireland, not to mention the Aviva Stadium debt and repeated World Cup qualification failures. We need that kind of radical approach in the IRFU – especially after last weekend’s disastrous result in Japan. John’s experience in Saipan in 2002 will prove invaluable – particularly to himself,” the spokesman said.
The FAI is planning a series of testimonial matches to raise much-needed funds for Delaney in a bid to ease the transition into his new role and pay essential legal costs and basic rental accommodation (€3,000 per month).
BUDGET 2020 – WHAT THE PARTY LEADERS WANT
Award tax cuts to our early rising friends in the corporate sector’s upper tiers naturally, but we simply must incentivise the proles to put in an extra effort by ring-fencing a guarantee that they will not be forgotten in Budget 2024, subject to Brexit. Read that back to me so I can hear how it sounds.
– Taoiseach Leo Varadkar
Do you know that 92% of carbon dioxide emissions are caused by people breathing out?! 92%! We need to see a levy on respiring and incentives introduced to bring our exhaled emissions home in a recyclable paper bag and disposed of in a white bin.
– Eamon Ryan, Green Party
This nation’s past is too easily misjudged and discarded in our foolhardy rush into the unknown. We must have measures introduced to encourage the restoration of our dilapidated, half-forgotten relics and institutions. Hello? We’re over here….
– Brendan Howlin, Labour Party
Put me down for whatever Mr Varadkar says as always…
– Micheál Martin, Fianna Fáil.
SHANE ROSS’S RUGBY WORLD CUP MENU
Egg chasers with hangers-on
Full of beans around Joe Schmidt
Toast after next election
Buttering up IRFU
Constantly in the soup
Cheesy grin for photographers
Brazen head of cabbage
Fish out of water
Taking the biscuit
Creaming it as minister
KIDS THREATEN THE SURVIVAL OF MANKIND
By Ian O’Dotty, the fearless face of reason
Surely it’s beyond time to stop this runaway Thunberg train in its tracks before it carries us all over the cliff edge of doom?! In my day, if you snapped back at your elders in the European Parliament you’d be sent to your room quick smart until you either a) sobered up or b) starved into remorse. Result? A balanced, tolerant outlook on life. Everything was orderly and respectful back then.
Nowadays, these lawless brats get praise from our taoiseach for skiving off school and forcing law-abiding citizens off the footpath just so a few foreign polar bears – whom they have never even met – don’t have to swim to the next ice floe!
Of course, the non-endangered elephant in the room is the example that is being shown by this kind of disregard for rationality. Already we are seeing impressionable adults, inspired by Ms Thunderberger, robbing ATMs, dealing in drugs, jumping queues and not buying the Irish Independent. It won’t stop until humankind is all but extinguished and politically correct dinosaurs and transgender Christian Brothers roam the forests and… (That’s enough rational thinking for today – Ed.)
LAST YEAR’S BIG SPENDERS
The country’s highest-spending government departments last year
Department of Justice: €9.6 billion
- Garda overtime on vital anti-kidnapping patrol duties in Cavan
- Breakdown and recovery of squad cars
- Legal fees re Denis O’Brien’s various court challenges
- CCTV of Maria Bailey’s swing
Department of Transport, Tourism and Sport €3.6 billion
- Essential field hockey pitch works, Wesley College
- Ministerial petrol allowance for essential journeys around Dublin Rathdown in search of electric vehicle charging points
- Multiple copies of ‘Beginner’s Guide to Popular Sports’
Department of Education and Skills €16.8 billion
- Primary school luxuries (pens, textbooks and buckets to catch leaks)
- Costs involved in organising essential fundraisers by head teachers
- Spending spree in North Dublin (new football for PE and one extra classroom chair)
RUGBY WORLD CUP- AN APOLOGY
Some of our objective analysis may have given readers a misleading view of our estimation of the Ireland rugby team.
Headlines such as ‘Schmidt’s wonders to win World Cup’ and ‘We need fear nobody in the final’ could have sparked a perception that we saw the national squad as brimming with brilliance and capable of the highest achievement. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The slaughter at the hands of the host nation confirmed our worst fears – that these green-clad gombeens are more suited to playing gin rummy than rugby and are totally out of their depth.
Having embarrassed the nation and inflicted irreversible psychological damage on a generation of south Dubliners, these flat-footed floozies should be brought home asap.
We hope this clarifies our true position – at least until the Russia game, after which we will furnish a further update.
THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BUDGET
by David McWilliams
You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to see Budget 2020 for the weak-kneed semi-conscious creature that it is. Our mealy-mouthed finance minister, Paschal Donohoe, has always prided himself on being cautious and his latest strategy for the country’s public finances cowers helplessly in the face of Brexit.
It’s a cowardly approach but, in this case, Paschal is on the money – literally. Ireland should be grateful that he’s finally following my advice and preparing for the dark days that lie ahead for our fledgling economy. To be blunt, we are on the brink of the next unfathomable abyss and it will not be long before we will all be yearning for the glory days of post-Tiger austerity.
For too many years, I have been warning younger people to forget about buying property. Paschal’s restrained housing incentives recognise that owning a first home is simply pie in the sky. Maybe young workers can develop an interest in something else, like getting that new smart phone they’ve always wanted. Yet people who really understand the complexities of intricate socio-economic models – and there are so few of us around – know that Ireland really has to hold its nerve. Periods of wealth and poverty go in cycles – it’s all explained through countless pages of statistics from economic journals in my illuminating books about “breakfast roll man”.
But don’t worry if these seminal books are remaindered and can’t even be found on eBay. There’s always my carefully recycled regular newspaper columns, packed with good old-fashioned word-for-word plagiarism.