Category: Craic & Codology

NOTICE FROM DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE

article-default

Revised guidelines for ministers: 1. Please prepare resignation letter/protest against sacking in advance 2. Limit media controversies to no more than six per day 3. Avoid unnecessary contacts, especially with political correspondents 4. Please carry out deep clean of office before next minister arrives a... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MORE UP IN THE AIR STUFF IMMINENT!

article-default

By Dee Bacle Ireland should brace itself for a fourth, and even fifth and sixth wave of anger and frustration from the government’s directive messages on reducing the number of Covid-19 transmissions, according to experts. The grim advice comes as the latest figures show another... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

STANDARD EVICTION PROTOCOL FOR IRELAND 2020

article-default

1. Call up a few gorill….er, occupant removal engineers. 2. Don uniforms (ie balaclavas, dark shirts and tricolour emblem, jack boots etc). 3. Inform gardaí you are on the way and will meet them there. 4. On arrival, help tenants to negotiate swift passage from... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR – EXCLUSION OF FEE-PAYING SCHOOLS FROM C-19 FINANCIAL SUPPORT

article-default

Sir, – Private schools are currently facing horrendous challenges, with emergency funding desperately required for essential safety measures such as additional cleaners, luxury hand sanitiser and proper matte paper for the new prospectus. To comply with physical distancing rules, immediate alterations need to be urgently... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TODAY WITH CLAIRE BYRNE

Claire Byrne

Episode 1 Schedule 10am: Are RTÉ over-using the same tired old presenters? 10.15am: A look back at the genius of Claire Byrne Live 10.45am: Those massive RTÉ salaries 10.46am: Where are they now?: Sarah McInerney 11.30am: Did Sean O’Rourke get shafted? 11.31am: Interview with whichever... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MINISTER DEFENDS CALCULATED GRADING

article-default

by Alma Mater EDUCATION MINISTER Norma Foley has again denied allegations of dumbing down in the grading of this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Speaking to reporters, Ms Foley said: “Unlike the disastrous UK system which used unreliable guestimates, we have focused on a carefully calculated... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MARTIN SLAMMED FOR COGNITIVE TEST BOAST

Michael Martin

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has come under fresh political fire for bragging about his results in a cognitive test, which required him to continually repeat the five words “maintain power at all costs”. Martin took the test after people questioned his mental acuity over appointing Barry... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CELEBRATIONS OVER €350M PLAN TO SHUT HOME-SCHOOLS

article-default

There was widespread euphoria at the announcement of a €350 million package to close home-schools by the end of August. “It’s a massive relief,” said one frazzled parent. “The last few months have been a nightmare. When I had children, I wasn’t expecting to have... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FRUGAL FIVE WARZONE

Marvel logo

Suffering stimulus plans! Oh no! Superhero Captain Michel has only 24 hours to save the Eurosphere. But can the soft-spoken EC President ever hope to defeat the iconic Frugal Five, led by Prudent Nether-Man and his thrifty sidekick, Austro-Kurz? Who could ever forget their vicious... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

APPLE TAX RULING COLUMNS BACKLOG

Apple company

by Our Economics Staff Phil Paper Following Ireland’s successful appeal in the controversial €13 billion Apple tax case, Irish economic correspondents have revealed details of the huge number of opinion pieces that built up over recent years, albeit attracting little interest. Indeed, since 2016, hundreds... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE NAKED TRUTH EXPOSED

Starlight Palace

The leader of one of Ireland’s political parties has admitted that the naked man who was tied to a cross and was having his bare bottom whipped in an adult basement club in Dublin city centre “may have been one of ours”. The party had... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RECIPES FOR DISASTERS No 13

Stew

This week we take a back stab at Fianna Fáil stew: You will need a large receptacle of troubled water just about up to your neck. Turn up the heat. Chuck in plenty of beef, poor lambs and something fowl, such as snipe or grouse.... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

VARADKAR’S PAL KEEN TO AVOID INFECTED DESTINATIONS

Martin mask

Ireland’s new coalition government was under pressure again last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin insisted that a number of destinations traditionally popular with its Fine Gael partners be excluded from the ‘green list’ of places that are okay to revisit. The controversial exemptions include:... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

BABY NEWS JOY

baby news

by Our Celebrity Baby Staff Matt Ernity There were widespread celebrations last night at the news that former Miss World Rosanna Davison is due to welcome identical twins later this year. Said one tabloid editor, “It’s a dream come true and we’re over the moon.... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

LEO CLARIFIES TRAVEL ADVICE

article-default

Taoiseach (surely ‘Tánaiste’? – Ed) Leo Varadkar has attempted to clear up any remaining confusion around the government’s controversial ‘green list’. “We are advising people to undertake essential travel to non-essential destinations which aren’t on the green list,” said Vlad in his 25th media outing... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FEARS MOUNT OVER ‘WET POLITICIANS’

wet pols

With pubs set to reopen on August 10, fears have been expressed about the threat posed by so-called “wet politicians”. The phenomenon sees TDs congregate in pubs near the Dáil to whinge incessantly about their political genius going unrecognised. “They’re notorious for spitting out bile... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

PRISON NETFLIX FAVS

netflix

As the Irish prison service reveals details of its €9,000 installation of Netflix services, some of the nation’s top chancers voice what makes them most likely to tune in: Gimme any documentary with Bertie Ahern in it. Always inspires me to feel I can not... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SIGNS OF CRAMP

Jack Charlton

There were signs of cramp among Ireland’s sports media over the weekend as a great tragedy unfolded and they were forced into extra time. “It was totally out the blue,” said one beleaguered ex-player turned tabloid rent-a-mouth. “We’d only just finished playing our hearts out,... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CURRENT EMBARRASSMENTS ‘NOTHING COMPARED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS’, SAYS MARTIN

Michael Martin

New Taoiseach Micheál Martin has criticised commentators and called for “a bit of perspective” to prevail following criticism of Minister Barry Cowen and MEP Billy Kelleher just weeks into his tenure as leader of a new government. “People have very short memories,” said the Cork... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

JOHNNY GOTTA POEM POEM

article-default

Imelda Makespeare Ah Dubbalin Me mind is troublin’ Me heart is broken Goin’ from rockabilly To the spoken Woord. Do not go gentle Into that good night, Instead of a band to Send you home sweatin’ What you’re gettin’ Is this poetry shite. Street poems,... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

UNCLE DONALD IS NOT A VERY NICE MAN – NIECE

article-default

A controversial tell-all memoir written by Mary Trump, niece of President Donald Trump, claims he is an “ignorant racist and sexist megalomaniac who threatens the life of every American”. INSIDE Pope is spiritual leader of the worldwide Catholic Church – p4 Most bears said to... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MY (SECRET) DIARY – JIM O’CALLAGHAN

Jim O'Callaghan Diary

Mon: The media keep asking exactly what I think of Micheál. So I always tell them that everyone deserves a chance. I also explain that when I said in April 2017 Micheál was a spineless nonentity dragging our once-proud party towards oblivion, what I was trying... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FEIGHAN SLAMS RTÉ

Frank Feighan

Minister for Drugs Frank Feighan has doubled down on his claims that RTÉ is full of “cocaine snorters”. The Fine Gael TD made the sensational allegations having watched RTÉ over a 24-hour period recently. The Sligo/Leitrim representative pointed to the return of Killinaskully, the proliferation... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RTÉ’S FLEET OF VEHICLES

RTE Van

The national broadcaster has come under criticism after the exorbitant running costs of its fleet of vehicles were revealed. An RTÉ insider conceded that “many of our main vehicles, such as Winning Streak, are admittedly old, worn and are being driven into the ground.” The... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NO NEW FF CONTROVERSIES SHOCK

Fianna Fáil logo

Irish politics has been plunged into turmoil after a 24-hour period in which Fianna Fáil didn’t find itself mired in controversy. The development comes as a major setback to the party following the Barry Cowen and Billy Kelleher sagas. “I would like to apologise for... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

KINAHAN STATEMENT

Daniel Kinahan

Daniel Kinahan issued a statement yesterday denying that he is, or ever has been, a member of the Kinahan Family of Criminals (KFC). “I have only ever been a member of the Kinahan Boxing Family,” he said, “although I do support their [KFC] stated objective... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

COVID TRACKER REVIEWS

Covid tracker

Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces to get their thoughts on the new Covid tracker app Barry Cowen I feel a deep sense of humiliation that it has taken me over 30 years to get this thing on to my phone. Like many of my... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE ROOM WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS: INSIDE THE DÁIL CANTEEN

Room Where It Happened

EXCLUSIVE EXTRACTS John Busser lifts the lid on what goes on behind the scenes in Leinster House Breakfast Don’t know half of the latest batch of junior ministers, but they all rate their jobs very highly and display their portfolios on the tables for all... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CONVENTION CENTRE DAMAGED AS NEW DÁIL SITS

Convention Centre

The Convention Centre building in Dublin has suffered severe damage as a result of Dáil sittings. According to structural engineer Lee Ningtower, there were too few deputies and ministers sitting in the area designated for debate and too many backbenchers in the new Dáil bar... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

APOLOGY: PASCHAL DONOHOE

Paschal Donohoe

In common with all other newspapers, over the years we may have mistakenly given the impression that Paschal Donohoe was a crushingly dull centrist politician whose ideas were about as exciting as his grey suits. Furthermore, during the austerity years, we might also have conveyed... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE

Micheál Martin

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

OLD TESTAMENT TIME

bible scripture

A Reading from the Book of Houses, Verse 7: Prophet Damo Predicts Pestilence And lo, there was at that time living in a big house in the city a wealthy prophet, Holy Dermo of Desmond, who didst claim to see the future. Great was the... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SUMMER READS – PHIL BOOK RECOMMENDS 5O MUST-READ TITLES

Books

Roy Keane: Moby Dick I like to relax by fishing and I can relate to this story of a lad who sets his sights high and gets his reward. Mind you, if he had that muppet De Gea minding his net he probably would’ve come... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

DEAR DIARY…

Martin Diary

Micheál Martin’s top secret thoughts WEDNESDAY Wow! I’m still afraid that I might wake up and realise it’s all a dream. Looking at all the posters on my bedroom wall – Dev, Biffo, Bertie – who would ever have thought that, after so much heartbreak... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

LEO WELCOMES HISTORIC DEAL

Leo Varadkar

“Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. Over the past two weeks, I have said to our membership, ‘If this plane leaves and you’re not with us, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber