SHATTER’S LIFETIME OF MISTREATMENT REVEALED
by P.T. Mee
Former justice minister Alan Shatter has revealed dozens of new injustices against him spanning his entire life, according to leaked legal letters addressed to the universe.
The letter, in Mr Shatter’s handwriting, calls for hundreds of apologies, beginning with an incident in which three since-deceased childminders “forcibly denied me my liberty in a wooden cot at two years of age, quamobrem utilatis”
Shatter calls for justice over a CIÉ bus driver who “cast doubt upon my fitness” by accelerating past the bus stop where he was standing in October 1975.
The former politician says the universe also owes him recompense for “consequential trauma” when he was bitten by a dog 10 years ago and for “the humiliation of social negativity and exceptionalism” brought on by Jason McAteer scoring against Holland in 2001 while the politician was in the gents’ toilet of a pub.
The wronged Dubliner is also highly aggrieved over a lottery ticket that failed to deliver… (That’s quite enough disturbing grievances for now! – Ed).
DID NOSTRADAMUS PREDICT THE END OF LYRIC FM?
A deepening sense of doom spread across Ireland last night as astrologists and music fans alike realised the full horror implied by a quatrain written by the world’s greatest seer 500 years ago.
Nostradamus’s Quatrain 96.7FM reads: “The joker Rose of Mont will be without shekel. The big moustache will lose its music and all will know the end has come when the train has no more tracks. All go bananas”.
Says one classical music buff taking time out from his Irish Times crossword, “There is clearly no doubt he means reckless Montrose is skint, and Marty Whelan and John Kelly are left without as much as a Mozart medley to peddle. It’s the end of civilisation.”
However, sceptics say the French philosopher was only predicting that the regular ‘star’ staff would be fired to save money before a cost-efficient team of trained monkeys take over.
BORIS: BOG OFF!
Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes!
What an absolute hoo-ha over a complete shower of fuddy-duddy judges ganging up on Bozza and saying that I told a lot of porkies to the queen. Tosh and poppycock! Otherwise, it’s been all go preparing for a top-notch Brexit deal that has the full backing of my great American friend, the Trumpster. Although the president wasn’t at Eton or the varsity with me, you really couldn’t wish to meet a better cove anywhere between here and the Equator… And as for his lady wife! Phwoar! Tip-top totty or what? No wonder Britain’s tousle-haired hero is taking Donald’ advice to sail the good ship Tory out of choppy Euro waters ASAP.
Sadly, Corbyn’s commie comrades continue to make scurrilous innuendos about Bojo having blotted his time as mayor of London by dishing out public funds to a full-bodied female friend. Utter piffle! Let me make it clear that all my tireless work, day and night (of course), banging the drum on behalf of London was above board in every sense. Ergo, it’s pretty clear that both my old chum Jacob Rees-Fogg and myself acted in good faith re this whole prorogation business. Which means that the Bozmeister can go back to Downing Street with my head held low and look in the mirror – or indeed the Sun – and say, hand on heart, “I did nothing right”..
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3720
|You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry
||You wouldn’t like him
|Hounded by a journalist
||Hounded by journalists
|Full of muscles
||Outmuscled by Supreme Court
|Mild-mannered alter ego
||Ego is never mild
|Always rips his shirt
||Trying to rip up backstop
|Has difficulty speaking
||Has difficulty with Speaker Bercow
TV PROGRAMME ENDS SHOCK!
by Our TV staff Dee List
An early evening entertainment programme featuring fashion, beauty and showbiz gossip is being shelved after 12 years on the air.
On other pages
- C-list celebs from the very first show
- C-list celebs from the final show
- 250 pictures of farewell party
- Full-colour pics of presenters, Karen Gosh, Cassie Glitz and Glenda Cleavage
- Why we can’t find anything worthwhile to write about
THE DAILY BORISGRAPH
Yellowhammer scare-mongering! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t
What a terrific tip-top week for yours truly in the midst of the political maelstrom and coming out smelling of roses on all fronts! Talk about out-smarting the Westminster oiks and fighting the deadly enemy on the backbenches just like my great hero, Winston C!
If the Bozzman is famous for anything, of course, it’s all-out action – with knobs on! I’ve taken a hands-on lead, based on the example of our friends in Stormont. This means suspending all the proper Brit MPs here for five weeks on full pay. I mean, what’s fairer than that? Ergo, the ashen-faced DUP folk can hardly complain that all parts of the UK aren’t finally being governed the same way.
Meantime, the damned Shinners have never taken their seats, so they haven’t a leg to stand on.
And as for all this talk about Yellowhammer – absolute piffle! Typical of old man Corbyn and his commie chums (Boo!) to harp on about basic food shortages and long queues. But rest assured, you can all believe Bojo when I say that post-Brexit London will be safe as houses – except for those that will be burned to the ground during rioting, obviously.
AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH
THE starry-eyed expression and familiar smirk speak volumes about his troubled period. Although he has done everything humanly possible to avoid publicity, Joe (his real name) has been experiencing unspeakable dangers over recent times.
Despite a lifetime of selfless service to the public at large, the cautiously restrained GAA expert has just had to endure being callously axed from RTÉ’s All-Ireland Football Final replay. Characteristically, Joe has reacted with the utmost decorum, accepting his cruel fate with good grace and scrupulously avoiding the media.
Regrettably, as if he had not suffered enough, Joe’s plight took a turn for the worst last week when the discredited veteran pundit Eamon Dunphy weighed in to support him by criticising the national broadcaster, blatantly using the situation to boost his own flagging career.
Understandably, fans have been horrified at the callous treatment meted out to the greatest self-styled GAA authority in the history of the game. It’s hard to imagine that we may never see him trying to be controversial again, throwing hissy fits about off-the-ball incidents and insulting referees before issuing grovelling apologies a day later.
Tragically, that golden age has passed and Joe faces an uncertain future. Now, more than ever, he needs all the support and sympathy that he truly deserves. An all-night, candle-lit vigil will be held outside Croke Park.
JAPAN 2019 – THREE MEN TO WATCH
Weighing in at just under 37 stone, the New Zealand No 10 shirt is a force to be reckoned with. Haka has already carved out a successful career for himself by converting opposing wingers from well within his own 20-yard line.
The host nation’s livewire full back will be expected to leave his mark on the faces of anyone who dares to get near him in the players’ tunnel. Not surprisingly, this charismatic powerhouse has risen fast through the ranks of the Yakuza.
Russia’s powerful 27-stone winger from the tough streets of Dagestan is guaranteed to carry the fight directly to every team he encounters. Unfortunately, he has a record of being sin-binned – usually before getting out of the dressing room.
(That’s enough Men To Watch – Ed.)
PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIPS 2019
JAPAN 2019 WORLD CUP EXCITEMENT REACHES FEVER PITCH
by Our Entire Staff
With the Rugby World Cup just days away, unparalleled numbers of Irish fans are erupting in a frenzy of eager anticipation. Sports minister Shane Ross has strongly advised supporters travelling to Japan over the next month to make themselves fully aware of local culture and customs.
Shane’s Top Tips For Travellers
Between rugby matches, visitors can enjoy short whaling expeditions, with large amounts of local sake – followed by siki on deck.
Never inquire as to why adult Sumo wrestlers always wear nappies.
The Japanese are very polite people to their superiors; Leo would like it there.
Japanese leaders have been known to commit Hara-Kiri (ritual suicide) when their actions bring them shame. Leo would not like this.
The Japanese people have traditionally been intolerant of foreigners, although this is understood to be changing slowly. Noel Grealish might like it there.
While we have GAA, the Japanese have Geishas. They are not the same, although in some Irish counties it would be hard to tell the difference on the pitch.
Drink prices can be exorbitant in yen – about half that in Temple Bar.
Osaka’s ‘must-have’ experiences include a plastic bag filled with whale burgers. Other traditional delicacies include glow-in-the-dark sushi. (That’s enough Top Tips – Ed.)
Ireland: Too early as yet to say ‘what went wrong’ with this well-drilled machine.
Scotland: Hoping desperately to remain but destined to be dragged out. Will struggle against the English-speaking sides and Australia.
Russia: With Putin insisting on picking the team, the rumour is that the atmosphere in the camp is poisonous.
Japan: Home advantage will count for little when these minnows meet whales that fight back.
Samoa: Big, round and heavy like a cannonball, Samoa will be fired out of Japan pretty early.
New Zealand: Apart from the overblown Haka, the current All Blacks have struggled recently but are likely to end up meeting Ireland, who are contractually obliged to exit the tournament at quarter-final stage every four years.
South Africa: Coach Rassie Erasmus has turned these blunderers into a force to be reckoned with – more than he could do with Munster.
Namibia: With Kala Hari the only world-famous name on the team sheet, medal hopes remain a desert.
Canada: Overcame mighty Germany to get to the finals but, like Justin Trudeau, all socks and floppy hair on the pitch.
Italy: Notoriously tricky customers, the Italians tend to punch above their weight or below it or straight in the gut. Pool B, though, will leave them punch drunk.
England: Highly fancied (by themselves) England more likely to crash out amidst scenes of total chaos.
France: The word on the grapevines is that the French are going to bottle it again with this far from a vintage crop.
Argentina: Coach Pat O’Gonia relies on heavily on beef to get past other countries and will give other coaches plenty to chew on.
USA: Will do everything possible to stop other countries getting into its territory but has been going backward for about three years now.
Tonga: The island kingdom is increasingly out of its depth and set to be submerged by mid-October.
Australia: Stop fly half-cut Matt Tilda from going a-waltzing through to feed De Billabong and the Wallabies will be far from fair dinkum. Not a prayer (which isn’t allowed anyway).
Wales: Flanker Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is said to have the longest name in world rugby but referees now wise to Welsh tactic of slowing the game down by getting him booked.
Georgia: The team on everyone’s mind are so out of tune they will be on a midnight train back home in no time.
Fiji: The current theory is that the men from the land where Robinson Crusoe was filmed will be home by Friday.
Uruguay: Rugby was fostered in Uruguay by the Irish Christian Brothers in the 19th century and the team will be challenged by new rules disallowing smashing opponents about the head.
PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIPS WINNERS
Reaping what you sow: Labour Party meitheal
Milking it: Maria Bailey co-operative
Making a pig’s ear out of everything: Farmer Eoghan Murphy
Making hay while the sun shines: Landlord gang
Letting grass grow under feet: Farmer Harris
Producing bull manure: Farmer Johnson
ADVERTISEMENT – GREALISH SPONGE
Are you keen on maintaining an uncontaminated environment?
Then worry no more, thanks to the amazing Grealish Sponge
The only heavy-duty cleansing agent youâ€™ll ever need!
- Home-grown product guaranteed to get rid of all undesirable matter
- Mops up unwanted spillages, including trickles of Syrians into Galway West
- Specially designed to absorb the floating vote at the next election
Choice of colours: white
WARNING: The Grealish Sponge might dissolve completely when it gets into hot water and is not likely to last very long.
NOEL GREALISH DEFENDS SPONGING
By Mai Grant
THERE IS growing pressure on Noel Grealish to resign from his Dáil seat following a series of controversial statements and embarrassing evidence of cult-like behaviour in the past. During a public meeting about the proposed opening of a direct provision centre in the TD’s constituency in Co Galway, several members of the audience attacked the politician.
One economic migrant from Africa described Noel Grealish as a “complete waste of space, who had sponged off the public for far too long”.
For his part, Grealish said he had only been sponging since 2002, when he was first elected to the Dáil.
Another attendee at the packed meting raised concerns about Grealish’s former leadership of a fanatical cult known as the Progressive Democrats and his adherence to their pernicious ideology. “The PDs were essentially an anti-Christian gang intent on taking God out of the Irish constitution.”
Grealish defended his involvement with the shadowy PDs claiming, “At the time I didn’t really know what I was getting into, but there is still no room in this country for left-wing pinkos or spongers in general.”
HEAVENLY EXCLUSIVE – MIR.I.AM TIP-TOES BACK TO THE CHURCH
Mir.i.am – the TV presenter formerly known as Miriam O’Callaghan – has revealed (phwaor! – Ed) that she is tip-toeing back to the church. “It’s true,” she says. “I cannot lie. I have been making secret visits to my local church on my own in order to light candles with just a film team from RTÉ and my producer in tow.”
The mother of 23 children also revealed that she is lighting the candles for colleagues in RTÉ. “Yes,” she confessed, “some of my colleagues in RTÉ are suffering at the moment because of falling audience figures, falling salaries and falling production values.”
However, she refused to be drawn on who she was referring to “but Ray D’Arcy, Joe Duffy and particularly Sean O’Rourke will know who I mean,” she quipped.
SPONSORED BY RATHBORNE CANDLES
THOSE 2019 CULTURE NIGHT EXPERIENCES
Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t.
Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling us on Friday for some assistance and waiting until Sunday to get through?
Take a safari on our famous Montrose campus and try to spy exotic creatures – such as Marty Morrissey, Miriam O’Callaghan and others – that are nowhere near becoming extinct, despite the public’s growing appetite for real entertainment.
Your local bank
An afternoon in the bank looking for an actual human staff member to talk to will prove a demanding and ultimately unsatisfying (banking) culture challenge.
THAT FÉILE 2019 LINE-UP
Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step.
The House Martin
Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of time to revive his flagging career. Needs a big hit soon.
Howlin at the Lefties
Howlin has struggled to maintain public interest in his outfit and has resorted to whistling past the graveyard. Critics say a new voice is needed.
Arlene and the Dupes
Strident front woman who continues to be overshadowed by her Westminster Greek chorus. Obsessed with maintaining UK royalties.
THOSE NEW STORM NAMES
Known for very dark clouds and likely to play havoc with water supplies. Threatening gloom across British Isles as it mingles with the trade winds.
The most unforgiving pattern of all, typically recognised by an icy chill giving way to extremely deep frost, prone to vicious cold snaps and culminating in icy blasts. Strong ear muffs recommended to prevent permanent damage.
Brings vast volumes of hot air that have been known to smash bus windows and even tumble unsuspecting members of the public from a barstool. Expect floods of news headlines in its wake.
Iconic storm front usually backed by strong media current… (That’s enough climate scares – Ed)
JOHN BOLTON FAVOURITES
Favourite film: World War Z
Favourite song: Invaders Must Die, The Prodigy
Favourite TV show: Empire
Favourite animal: Hawk
Favourite food: Yellowcake
Favourite weather: Desert Storm
Favourite strike: Pre-emptive
Favourite exercise: Arms race
Favourite hobby: Smoking guns
Favourite plant: Bush
The Keith Barry Experience – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Join magician Keith Barry as he shrinks RTÉ’s audience share before your very eyes. He will also attempt to hypnotise programme schedulers into giving him another series.
The Restaurant – Virgin Media One, 9.00pm: Phil Hogan reminiscences about the time he made a meal out of water charges and how he hopes to avoid getting skewered by beef farmers. Big Phil also reveals how he intends to make the Brexiteers eat crow.
Room to Improve – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Dermot Bannon travels to the Jordan Valley to meet Benjamin Netanyahu, who has become obsessed with moving his homeland to the far-right as rapidly as possible.
SINN FÉIN LOTTO WIN
by Our Financial Staff – Phil Coffers
A PROMINENT political party leader based in West Belfast today collected one of the biggest-ever lottery wins in recent years.
At a public ceremony in the city centre, a smiling Michelle O’Neill received a cheque for £1.5 million (€1.65m) on behalf of a syndicate known as Sinn Féin.
Asked how the party would spend the money, Ms O’Neill replied, “It will not change our lives in the slightest as we just intend to carry on with our ordinary day-to-day activities, holding fundraisers, organising round-the-clock PR events and having the usual futile meetings with all the other parties with whom we can agree absolutely nothing in Stormont Buildings.”
Michelle admitted to reporters that she had ticked the box for “Maximum Publicity” because she was desperate to try anything that might curtail the Shinners’ dwindling support nationwide.
The latest bonanza is believed to be the largest pay-out for a Northern Ireland party since the DUP’s Arlene Foster claimed a whopping £1 billion when she scooped the Tory jackpot prize back in 2017.
ELECTRIC CAR TIPS
Motoring Expert Shane Ross’s Guide to Futuristic Driving
Q. Is Irish motoring changing radically?
A. Absolutely! Beyond recognition thanks to the latest progressive initiatives by the transport minister.
Q. Will self-drive cars be available soon?
A. Yep! It’s happening right now with ministerial vehicles in Leinster House.
Q. Are these new eco-friendly government models likely to go fast?
A. Deffo! Latest turbo-charged transport models capable of going from zero to 60 PR stunts in record time.
Q. What about the shortage of charging points?
A. No problem. There’s already hundreds of these in Stepaside and neighbouring areas.
Q. So what will define the future of Irish transport?
A. Hot air!
(That’s enough Motoring Expert – Ed.)
RTÉ AUTUMN TV HIGHLIGHTS
Coping with Climate Change
Montrose documentary that asks the vital questions. Will RTÉ disappear beneath the waves as viewers drift away? Why is Ray D’Arcy’s audience shrinking faster than was thought? How much more hot air can we expect from Brendan O’Connor? Is it possible to limit Maura and Daithí’s emissions?
The Daniel and Majella Road Trip
Follow the unpredictable adventures of viewers who go for a drive as soon as the crooner and his wife appear on the television.
New health series in which Pat Kenny describes what gets under his skin and up his nose, not to mention bringing him out in blisters and driving his blood pressure through the roof…
Too Late Late Show
Ryan ‘Tubs’ Tubridy recycles his winning fogey formula of tweed and soft soap.
COMPULSORY SIMON HARRIS
Parents across Ireland say they will strongly resist any attempt to make Simon Harris compulsory.
“Simon would be a great shot in the arm for the country for decades to come,” noted one FG lackey yesterday, while another observer noted that the baby-faced minister “very easily gets under the skin”.
Parents, however, are strongly opposed to the idea. “I had a short dose of Simon Harris on radio last week and I suffered a bad reaction,” said a mother of three in Cork. “I don’t believe there’s an antidote and, if there was, the waiting list would stretch of years.”
EPSTEIN ‘DIDN’T KNOW’
By Terry-Bell Cad
RELATIVES of the late Jeffrey Epstein say his name is being “dragged unfairly through the mud” and insist the disgraced pervert moneybags “had no idea” that Prince Andrew was a member of the British Royal Family.
Speaking from one of the late paedophile’s two dozen yachts, the relative explained, “Jeffrey was no angel for sure and he did some very questionable things. But he’d have been appalled if he knew that Andrew was actually Prince Charles’s brother, travelling the world at others’ expense, hugging dodgy dictators and scratching the backs of shaky sheiks.”
It appears that, as far as Epstein was concerned, ‘Duke of York’ was a nickname and Andrew was just some sad case tagging along to pose with young women. The fact that he was far more loathsome was something Epstein only realised when it was too late and the financier’s name will be forever tarnished by its association with the House of Windsor.
MICHAEL CREED FAVOURITES!
Favourite Film: Hamburger Hill
Favourite TV show: The Price is Right
Favourite Band: The Flying Pickets
Favourite Song: Can’t You Hear the Cows, The Turtles
Favourite Comedian: Angus Deayton
Favourite Hobby: Bullfighting
Favourite Food: Curry favour
Favourite Exercise: Hand-wringing
Favourite Politician: Jack Straw
Favourite Body Part: Calf
McILROY FAILS TO F**K UP
GOLFER Rory McIlroy stood accused last night of having little regard for the livelihoods of journalists.
The accusations followed the County Down man’s $15m victory in the FedExpensive Cup in Atlanta. The win side-swiped commentators, who had been poised to knock out mocking articles highlighting the latest disastrous underperformance from the golfer.
“I’d already factored in some lucrative overtime writing 2,000 words on the imminent demise of McIlroy as a golfer,” sighed a forlorn golfing columnist with a well-known online news platform. “He knew what he was doing when he turned on the afterburners but didn’t care who lost out … Typical McIlroy.”
It is unclear if the newly revitalised McIlroy will lead to actual job losses among sports hacks (the ongoing stability of his marriage to Erica Stoll after the Wozilroy era has already resulted in layoffs on social desks), but some believe Rory will return to his old ways, sooner rather than later.
“Let’s wait for the next major,” noted golfing correspondent Ian de Bunker. “I’ve no doubt I’ll be delivering acres of coverage about the meltdown in the paper, online and as TV pundit. Kerching! I’m booking my ski trip now.”
THE ROAD TO JAPAN 2019
Rugby is very like politics, with lots of mauling and dragging guys down. I’ll be watching the props in particular – the better I become at propping up, the longer I’ll have a job.
If we protect our wicket like I know we can, then I’m sure the goals will come – providing we can avoid any punctures. Regardless of how many medals we win or none, I’m really looking forward to welcoming the girls home. Bravo!
I believe we’ll hammer everyone. I see the glass as half full. I said, THE GLASS IS HALF F***ING FULL! You got a problem wi’ dat? Now drink it! Take that, ya maggot!
God made balls round and ’tis totally unnatural and a sin to have them turned into egg-shapes for the pleasure of men and any wimmin dat might be near a telly. No good will come of it at all at all an’ God will burn de Amazon even more if dis World Cup goes ahead!
TOPICAL WORDS – COMPILED BY DICK SHUNARY
An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of words that have suddenly become newsworthy
To discontinue a session of (a parliament or other legislative assembly) without dissolving it.
To be supportive of a rogue (a dishonest or unprincipled man).
AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH
Their wide-eyed gaze, unruly hair and brave smiles speak volumes about their troubled lives. Frank and Theresa (their real names) have faced the most horrendous pressures recently. Sadly, the former Late Late Show pianist and his wife, an ex-RTÉ presenter, are guilty of nothing more than running up debts to the tune of €3.7m.
Cruelly saddled with so many unsecured loans, Frank and Theresa have had to endure the gross indignity of being hauled into court last month. Imagine their horror when a heartless judge was willing to write off a mere €2.9m – leaving them nothing other than their modest family home (valued at €550,000) and a small €181,000 inheritance.
It’s still hard to believe that the country’s best-known celebrity couple were never out of the public eye at one time. But all that is in the distant past and it is unlikely that Theresa and her famous composer husband will ever recover from their shocking experience as they stare into the dark abyss. Now, more than ever, they need all the support and sympathy that they deserve.
A candle-lit vigil will be held in a fashionable Dublin bistro on Saturday September 7th for RTÉ luvvies and members of the legal profession.
KRISPY KREME SPECIALS
To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market:
This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering.
Crusty lump of dough that never goes well with Coffey. The traditional Waterford recipe seems already set to be withdrawn from market. No longer even popular in Waterford.
An old underwhelming recipe rescued from obscurity following years when dismissed as stale. Often served Swiss-trolled. Unlikely to be favoured over the typically superior Danish.
Not to everyone’s taste and quick to turn sour. Half-baked traditionally but wild swings of flavour leave a very bitter taste in the mouth Most likely toast in the future.
ANCIENT SKULL VICTIM OF NOTORIOUS TRIBE
By Archie Ologist
GEOLOGISTS say damage to an ancient fossil skull found in Ethiopa may have been caused by a member of a notorious, warrior tribe known as the McGregorians.
The skull had a large section of jaw missing, which was “typical of the kind of damage inflicted by a single blow from a McGregorian,” says one expert.
The McGregorians, who were easily recognisable from their unattractive beards and big heads, originated in MMAcedona but briefly roamed the planet in Neanderthal times and acted like they owned it. They were known for random acts of violence.
Drinking vessels found close to the skull suggest conflict would have occurred at some sort of drinking hole.. “The McGregorians liked their grog and distilled their own Proper stuff for a time,” says one expert. “This may not have been wise. After all, they were very uncivilised times”.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3718
||Decapitated Theresa May
|Hated the Irish
||Really Hates the Irish
||Sacked Old Cabinet
THE DAILY BORISGRAPH – HARD BORDER ALTERNATIVES!
Britain’s new PM tells it like it isn’t
Bozza here! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making of this whole Prime Minister thingy. Well, it wouldn’t actually be ultra-hard after Mrs Mayhem’s totally shambolic efforts.
Anyway, you know, I’m not one for blowing my own trumpet, but yours truly has certainly hit the terra cotta running by suspending all those MP oiks and completely outsmarting the groaners and remoaners who say the Bozmeister isn’t up to the mark at handling things.
What utter piffle! I’ve already told our awkward chums in Euroland that I’m willing to solve the border backstop mix-up pronto. Simply make Varadkar and Co a decent offer to buy Ireland and take it off their hands for good – just like old Trumpy’s trying to do with Greenland.
Meanwhile, I’ve put democracy on hold until I’ve done what has to be done to get this bally Brexit business sorted and then everyone can have it back again afterwards. You can’t say fairer than that.
So let’s be clear – it’s time to do things my way. Parliament going to vote against me? Kapow! No more Parliament! Solution or what?
Which means that BoJo and Carrie can enjoy a quiet night in with no nonsense – and definitely no blazing rows – before watching a good old Churchill doc and a quick spot of rumpy. Toodle pip!
RYANAIR ‘SAVING THE PLANET’
By Environment Correspondent – E. Missions
ENVIRONMENTAL groups around Europe have praised Ryanair for its “tremendous contribution to the environment” in the wake of the company’s industrial difficulties.
“Everyone knows that air travel is a significant contributor to air pollution and Ryanair has long led the way in dissuading people from flying entirely,” smiled Welsh activist Reese Icle yesterday. “But in recent weeks the company has pushed the boat out – literally. The concept of no airplanes flying at all is truly heartening. Michael O’Leary is a hero!”
A spokesman for Ryanair said the company will “continue to strive to bring its customers not only to a location close to a source of transport to bring passengers where they actually want to go, but also as close to the date they wish to travel as can reasonably be expected”.
RYANAIR – THE NO FARES AIRLINE
CALLING ALL HOLIDAY-MAKERS!
Still planning on taking a late summer break this month?
Why not take your holiday right here at home where you can enjoy a week in the hot spot that everybody’s talking about? Staycations have never been more popular, so why not pack your bags and the kids – and head to your nearest airport.
THE CHEAP HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME – WITH NO HIDDEN COSTS
- Spacious lounge floor areas mean you are guaranteed seat comfort.
- Wide choice of barely edible fast food.
- No chance of being stranded in Budapest because they’ve ballsed up their holiday rota.
ENJOY THE RYANAIR EXPERIENCE – BUT AT A MUCH LOWER ALTITUDE
BORIS-LEO SUMMIT MENU
Steamed-up Fruits of Office
Burnt Fingers du jour with old beans
Cold Cuts of Duck a l’Orange issue
Peas in our time (unavailable)
Cooked Goose with Union Jack(et)
(Served on a bed of own making)Off the Trolley
Soft Border Fudge
Right Eton Mess
Steamed-up Sticky Brexit Pudding
Selection of Sizzling Tarts. Pwworr!
ROSE OF TRA-LEO FAVOURITES
by Our Summer Filler Staff Phillipa Page
FESTIVAL fever is at an all-time high right now as Kerry welcomes thousands of visitors to see who will become the 2019 Rose in this year’s 60th anniversary competition. As always, presenter Leo Varadkar will be on hand to upstage the contestants as they chat about their hobbies and passions. Here they are – the hot favourites to take the crown
The outgoing Dún Laoghaire Rose has rarely been out of the limelight since winning the ‘Miss Adventure’ title earlier this year. Originally an odds-on chance after leap-frogging her rivals, Maria has fallen (painfully) to 900/1 in recent weeks – although insiders reckon she could still just swing it.
Never far from the head of the betting, the effervescent Rathdown Rose has come a long way since her early days (last month) as ‘Miss Judgement’. With a lot of support from locals – particularly those opposed to methadone clinics – Josepha fully expects to be flaunting the winner’s sash again at this year’s festival.
Mary Lou McDonald
This year’s Dublin Central Rose is no stranger to lavish coronation ceremonies. While continuing to rapidly lose ground with the bookies, ‘Miss Guided’ remains confident of being in with a fighting chance. “I’ve always been involved in empowering pageants and close friends tell me I’m doing a good job,” she said.
Northern Rose Michelle – formerly ‘Miss Hap’ in the Belfast heats, is hoping to make her mark despite all the odds stacked against her. Among her great passions is travelling, but she admits that she’s gone absolutely nowhere over the past two years. (That’s enough hot favourites – Ed.)