THAT UPDATED LORD’S PRAYER: IRISH VERSION
Eoghan Murphy who art on
Hollow be thy name.
Thy backbenchers come in and thy will be done in when
Leo is reshuffling.
Give us this day our daily
waffle; and forgive squatters
their trespasses, as we forgive those vultures who trespass
against us; and lead us not into
homelessness, but deliver us from shared living.
BALD MAN SPARKS ARRIVALS ALERT
Gardaí have advised females travelling through Irish airports following reports of an elderly man appearing to shadow a young girl at Dublin airport.
The man, described as “tall, angular and bald as a coot”, was wearing an expensive-looking blue suit. Witnesses say he made no attempt to conceal his actions as he tracked closely behind the young woman, who had just flown in from New York.
“Everywhere she went, he followed close behind”, said one eyewitness. “He was laughing as if it was normal behaviour and you could see his teeth. It was weird. My wife almost rang Joe Duffy.”
A Garda spokesman said the publicity-hungry man was “only too well known to us” and has previously been involved in “a litany of traffic and judicial headaches.”
IRELAND ‘MUCH BETTER TO WATCH PLAYING POORLY’
Ireland soccer fans have hailed Mick McCarthy’s second managerial reign following the recent games against Denmark and Gibraltar, unanimously agreeing that the playing style is much easier on the eye.
“Under O’Neill we’d play it long up field and lose the knockdown to let our opponents attack us in waves,” said one hungover supporter. “Now we play the ball out into midfield before losing it again to let our opponents attack us in waves. It’s great to watch!”
RTÉ soccer correspondent Tony O’Donoghue also expressed delight that he no longer has to wear his brown trousers when interviewing the gaffer after games.
SHINNER WANNABES LOSE THEIR SPICE
Mary Lou ‘Posh Spice’ McDonald has been slammed for not showing up for a recent series of concerts.
The much-hyped Local and European Tour turned sour, with allegations that her once-popular group were singing the same old tune over and over again and offering nothing new to fans.
Audiences were not impressed with the lack of creativity and stayed away in large numbers. Angry twitter users expressed dismay and disgust with Posh’s recent on-stage efforts.
“Utterly embarrassing watching Mary Lou trying to pretend it’s still 2014,” one wrote.
“Time someone told her to stop chasing after people who have moved on,” wrote another.
It’s believed that fears about climate change resulted in the tide going out for McDonald and all of the subsequent technical problems.
THERESA MAY’S JOB OPPORTUNITIES
- Boris Johnson’s campaign manager
- Leader of Sinn Féin
- Brexit negotiator
- Advisor to Nigel Farage
- Swing supervisor
- Hard border customs officer
- Dundalk IT exam co-ordinator
- Cough bottle brand ambassador
FINE GAEL TD SUES OVER ‘SWING TO RIGHT’
By C Saw
A Fine Gael TD say she intends to “sue everyone” amidst claims she has suffered severe discomfort as part of a swing towards Fine Gael in the last general election.
Maria Bailey says she has endured “years of painful public representation” and continues to suffer “dagger looks on the side” when out and about because of her job.
The Dún Laoghaire representative also claims to be unable to stand Dáil debates for more than three minutes or to sit up and listen to Shane Ross without grimacing in agony since the incident.
Ms Bailey says she suffered the fall from favour after “leaning over backwards” to get into position for her seat. Some witnesses say she “had her hands full at the time”.
“Nobody told me how sitting in Fine Gael works,” she says. “There was no warning whatsoever. I’ll see you all in court – and bring your cheque books!”
LEAKED GOVERNMENT GREEN INITIATIVES
The government has unveiled a suite of green initiatives to combat climate change following the recent election results:
- Leo Varadkar to swap skiing jacket for lagging jacket
- Removal of deadwood from cabinet (Eoghan Murphy, Simon Harris etc)
- Frances Fitzgerald to be upcycled to Europe
- Independent Alliance to be told to get on their bikes
- More playgrounds with swings to be provided for the public
- Government to become lukewarm about rural broadband
- Cattle to be allowed vote
IAN BAILEY’S ALTERNATIVE GUIDE TO PARIS
My name is well known in Parisian and indeed French circles, yet I have never felt any inclination to visit the place. To be frank about France, I don’t think Paris does justice to its reputation – or anyone else’s for that matter! Here are some good reasons why I prefer to stay in west Cork:
The Louvre: Full of paintings, but absolutely no conclusive evidence whatsoever that the people who supposedly did them are actually the ones responsible! What a joke!
The Eiffel Tower: Vanity project symbolic of the French aristocracy’s arrogance! Yes, looks half impressive from a distance, but up close there are so many holes in it it’s a wonder that it still stands up at all! The whole thing is ready to collapse.
The Latin Quarter: Typically no plan, no structure, no effort to get it right – just everything thrown together in a made-up-as-we-went-along mish-mash that we are expected to take serious! No thanks, mon ami!
Notre Dame: Notre couldn’t-give-a Dame more like! It got burnt down yeah, but oh no, they won’t pin that one on me. No, monsieur.
CANNABIS – WHICH STRAIN IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
Known as the ‘posh boys’ weed’, it has a distinctive ‘leafy suburb’ aroma, but has an unedifying tendency to get up your nose. Guaranteed to put you in a spin.
Brexiteer Blue Dream
Easily recognisable by its very extended leaves, which can last for years and years. Advocates recommend it as the ideal accompaniment to warm beer, jellied eels and milkshakes. Will have you talking absolute gibberish and running around in circles.
Harvested on the slippery slopes of Mount Useless beside the stagnant waters of Lake Harris, this nettle-like shrub was once said to have medicinal benefits before evidence emerged that it made people panic even just thinking about it. And that’s before the endless nightmares.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3711
|Shameless narcissistic self-publicist
||Shameless narcissistic self-publicist
|Planning a short visit to Ireland
||On a short visit to Government Buildings
|Advocate of shooting
||Advocate of shooting from the lip
|Likes to talk tough
||Likes to talk about himself
|History of lurid sex
||History of lurid socks
TRUMP VISIT MENU
Grope Juice and
Irish Toadie-In-The- Hole
Brown Nose Sauce
Greenbacks (with everything)
Duck à la Exceptionally Orange
Fake Stews and Fishy Fingers
Prawn Total Crackers
Fruity Tart With No Dressing
Stormy (Jack) Daniels
Those shared living spaces in full
A condition affected on the skin due to the act of rubbing shoulders with others through the practice of living at very close quarters for extended periods of time. Eg: I see poor Seán has caught a dose of the ol’ Murphysoriasis from that shared-living craic!
Scraping the Bailey (colloquial):
Failure resulting from having landed on one’s arse unwittingly.
EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS: WOMAN WHOSE DA WAS ON TV GETS JOB AS TV PRESENTER
A young Dublin woman is following in her father’s broadcasting footsteps by becoming a guest reporter on a weekly fashion and beauty programme.
On other pages:
- Glamour pics of the young woman
- Profile of her more famous father
- Raunchy pics of the other presenters. Phwoarr!
- Why the woman is very talented by Phillipa Page
- Why she is just using the family name by Phil Page
- Why we can’t think of anything else to write
CHEQUE-OUT TIME FOR MICKO
The legendary Mick O’Leary has shocked the world of racing by announcing that Gigglestown House Stud is to be wound down. Who will ever forget the impact of his stable of national hunt champions including Priority Q, Hand Luggage, Overhead Locker, Taxi Licence and Terminal One.
Many wonder why O’Leary has decided to leave the sport. Insiders say that Micko has probably never fully recovered from seeing that huge talent over hurdles and fences, his beloved Heavy Baggage, having to be put down so quickly.
Others believe it was the way Micko ran the business. Jockeys were asked to pay for the ‘training’ they received. They were also charged for the maroon and white silks, helmet, vest and gloves they wore when racing.
Either way, the irrepressible Leery, who once described himself as having a neck like a pilot’s bollocks (surely ‘jockey’s’ – Ed) has confirmed that he will not be getting back up on the horse.
FAI GOES FOR MOONING
The Football Association of Ireland has announced that Noel Mooning (Are you sure this is right? – Ed) is to replace John Delaney on a temporary basis.
Delaney is to undergo a HIA (head injury assessment) on the basis that, as former head of the FAI, his reputation and credibility suffered serious injury. It is understood that Delaney himself is unlikely to return to the field of play and a mega-bucks transfer to Lottadough FC may be in the offing.
Ex-goalkeeper Mooning is expected to continue the FAI’s practice of blocking awkward questions at press conferences, saving face and taking responsibility for kick outs (Dunphy, Tony O’Donoghue etc).
Irish fans (Darren and Sharren O’Looney) described the appointment as bare-faced cheek. (Surely bare-assed cheek? – Ed.)
This week Dr L S Dee warns against cannabis addiction
As a doctor, I am often asked what is a safe amount of cannabis to take before I go to work, sit my exams, say Mass or whatever? The answer of course is there is no such thing as a safe amount of cannabis and anyone who says there is never went to Trinners and studied the potential of addictive substances to undermine the conjunction of the physical and mental metabolisms into a quivering, pathetic manifestation of slobbering retardation.
My advice is to stay well away from any drug, bar a celebratory port after the back nine of course.
That’ll be €70 please; pay at reception. No wait, I need it now! Quickly, administer it. Hurry up man. Look, just gimme a 20 for now to get me over the next 10 minutes… Oh, yes. Lovely and crisp. Yes, yes, stuff it into my pocket! I really needed that… Feel that stress dissipating… so relieving…Wooooooooooooo!
EURO AND LOCAL ELECTION POSTERS
EUROPEAN AND LOCAL ELECTION GUIDE
The recent UN report on a million species being in danger of extinction has focused the minds of Fianna Fáil candidates. They will desperately seek to impress on voters that European intervention is crucial to reversing this impending catastrophe. “It’s the single biggest issue facing mankind”, says a party spokesman. “The world cannot afford to lose another invaluable species. If our own government won’t take our survival seriously, why shouldn’t we turn to Europe for protection?”
Fine Gael is fully determined to bring the party’s influence to bear in Europe regardless of the cost. The party originally factored in €1m towards promoting its candidates, but the final sum “flat-bottomed at €10bn”, says a spokesman. Finance Minister Paschal Donohoe insists it’s money well spent. “The Irish people deserve the best and every one of our 57 consultancy firms advised us that we pay them well to recommend that all our candidates should polish their shoes, comb their hair and not look like culchies trying to find a wifi signal behind the hen house. We’re Fine Gael remember!”
Keen to bounce back from a disastrous presidential election, Sinn Féin wants to reassure “every ordinary, downtrodden, beleaguered, oppressed, out-of-work constituent across the island of Ireland” that it will leave “no poppy unworn, no menu unturned and no Mary Lou rant uninformed” in its determination to ensure that “honest to God working-class heroes… (That’s enough gunning for votes – Ed.)
Minority group of would-be left-wingers whose distant memories of holding power are lost in the mists of time. The party holds very strict views about entering into coalition and have repeatedly maintained that they will only go into government with “absolutely anybody at all” The party’s manifesto includes references to tax cuts, HSE funding and whatever you’re having yourself. Could win enough seats to make Brendan Howling a household name.
Eco-friendly grouping focusing on global warming, toxic emissions and the fear of their own political extinction. The Greens are not at all interested in personalities – Eamon Ryan and Ciarán Cuffe are among their current leaders. During elections, their key policies are recycled by earnest women and bearded men who distribute sad-looking leaflets about paranormal yoghurt. Voters are often reduced to tears as Greens bang on about saving the planet with vague suggestions about using herbal compost and organic footwear and putting tiny little taxes on everything. In danger of being completely washed-up and disappearing without trace.
Peadar Tóibín’s new all-Ireland Republican Party is gearing up to make its mark over the next few weeks. With his steel-rimmed glasses and collection of raffish grey suits, Tóibín is expected to add a much-needed touch of colour and excitement to Ireland’s political scene. Conservative and pro-life, the leader is keen on promoting individual freedom of conscience in relation to eradicating the evil of abortion for all time. Received wisdom is that the party has a bright future behind it. (That’s enough Election Guide – Ed.)
AIMLESS APATHY GRIPS VOTERS
WITH just days left before Irish citizens go to the polls in EU and local elections, younger voters have taken to social media to express their growing frustration with all of the main political parties.
“Everyone of these useless candidates is exactly the same – ie totally pathetic and in it for what they can get,” tweeted Sarah99. “How come we never ever hear from them except when they want something at election time?”
Hundreds of other twitter users admitted that they would not be voting on May 24th. “They’re completely boring and just promise the same old things all the time,” tweeted JenIsReallyHotSmileyFace. “Most of them are in their 30s and totally out of touch with reality. All they do is say the same boring things over and over, so I would never vote for them.”
Meanwhile, after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar encouraged apathetic first-time voters to get involved in the electoral process and make their voices heard, he immediately received a huge reaction on Twitter and Instagram, telling him to “get lost, you sad loser”.
‘IRELAND MUST PROTECT ITS BUSES FROM MUSLIM TAKEOVER!’
Dublin MEP candidate Gemma ‘Tweety Pie’ O’Doherty says she had “no choice” but to contest the European Parliament elections to prevent Dublin buses being “completely taken over by jihadist Muslims claiming social welfare and eating native children”.
The Independent candidate says plastering her image on over a dozen buses in the capital succeeded “for now in frightening off the fundamentalists”, who feared she might be on board the vehicles and would “confront them”.
In a chilling warning, the ‘investigative journalist’ says, “I know from my undercover operations that non-Irish people with beards and not a word of Gaelic are travelling from place to place on theses buses. It’s crucial that people wake up to the dangers pulling in all around us and act to ensure our nation’s buses have seats for Irish women and children by giving me a lucrative job in Brussels where I can demand free speech without being told to shut up.”
WAFFLE TO PLAY HUGE PART IN ELECTION CAMPAIGNS
Candidates in this year’s local and European elections have claimed that they are using a revolutionary new material on which to print their election posters, leaflets etc.
According to its inventor Mr Phillip ‘Philly’ Buster, the material, called ‘Waffle Board®’ is capable of holding huge amounts of information with which to bamboozle (Surely
‘educate and inform’? – Ed) the voters.
Waffle Board® is also environmentally friendly and will self-destruct after a pre-determined number of days. And what about the promises contained in all this self-destructing literature? Will they disappear too? “Ah, well, ya know how it is yerself,” said Mr Buster.
Waffle with Syrup
Baloney (on a bed of Savoury Lies)
From the Gravy Train
Tripe (on pig’s back)
Selection of Porkies
Steamed up Has-Beans
Tikka (whole lotta nerve)
Off the Trolley
Fruits (of office)
Butter-up Pudding with
Humble Pie (off)
“It would be an absolute honour to represent the people of Derry.”
“I don’t want to talk about my sexuality or winning the Rose of Tralee.”
“A smart business suit for those trips to Strasbourg – yes, please!”
“No, I’m not really a great one for social media.”
Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan
“Greater cross-border co-operation – now you’re talking.”
“And another extremely interesting thing about me is…”
“The last thing I want to do is use the family name.”
Alice Mary Higgins
“Bigger and better halting sites – the more, the merrier!’
“I’m all in favour of the average industrial wage.”
Liadh Ní Riada
HUGE INCREASE IN SELF-HARM AMONG CANDIDATES
There was concern across Ireland last night as observers reported a rise in European and local election candidates inflicting injury on themselves.
Said one alarmed commentator, “It seems that every hour another one of them self-harms his election prospects by making rash promises and completely underestimating the voters’ intelligence.
“I saw one poor misfortune shoot himself in the foot twice yesterday morning by promising broadband within 10 years to a family now living in a cave. It’s very sad.”
IRELAND:AM ELECTIONS COVERAGE
7am: Can the dead return to haunt us?: The baldy lad interviews a rogue psychic who predicts the Labour Party will win seats in the upcoming elections.
7.45am: How to avoid self-esteem meltdown at election time: The blonde girl chats to guests who have met Peter Casey but went on to live normal lives.
8.40am: Health matters: The other one discusses blood pressure control with rural voters who have been canvassed by Fine Gael candidates.
9.15am: In the kitchen: The lad with the beard who used to be on RTÉ is joined by Micheál Martin to prepare some damp squid on toast.
How to Live Better for Longer – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Dr Eva Orsmond discovers how easy it is for Irish politicians to radically change their lifestyles by simply jumping on board the EU gravy train.
BRENDAN HOWLIN FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Mr Nobody
Favourite song: I’ll Be Leaving Soon, The Outlaws
Favourite TV show: Rescue Me
Favourite band: Modest Mouse
Favourite animal: Paper tiger
Favourite food: Milquetoast
Favourite colour: Vanilla
Favourite instrument: Humdrum
Favourite game: Hardscrabble
Favourite clothing: Buckle
THE SEARCH GOES ON!
By our media correspondent Gissa Quoteguv
Gardaí have confirmed that investigations are continuing into what has become known as the Quirke case. The investigations are being conducted by a special branch of the media known as the Tabloid Tecs, led by a group known simply as The Editors.
These desperate Tabloid Tecs are under huge pressure from The Editors to seek out and find any tit-bit of information that might lead to a story, however unbelievable, in order to fill space.
No hotel or public house in Tipperary has remained immune from the activities of these sweaty scribblers, aided and abetted by their prying paparazzi colleagues.
In the process, they have come face to face with many scoops and, to date, have put them all away in their quest to find the real story behind the devastating impact on their circulations – and their expenses – now that the trial is over.
THOUSANDS STILL ‘HAVE TO BUY PORN MAGS’
Many people living in rural Ireland still have no choice but to purchase ‘dirty books’ for their pornography requirements because of the poor state of rural broadband, according the latest research.
Said one blind researcher in the Midlands, “Behind the statistics and the fuss over the costs of the National Broadband Plan lie human beings with real life stories that are never heard or indeed read aloud, let alone with pictures.
“And they can’t even get that basic service locally either. I’ve met bachelors and couples in remote regions who are reliant on neighbours or maybe a kindly garda or priest to bring a few mags back from across the border after attending funerals and so on. It’s obscene.”
THOSE STORMONT TALKS IN FULL
The Stormont parties have agreed that the Executive will be restored on the following conditions:
- Irish government to reschedule those cancelled Garth Brooks concerts
- Marriages of convenience to be outlawed (Tories and DUP etc)
- Hector Ó hEochagáin to be appointed Irish language ambassador to the unionist community
- Jim Allister to be decommissioned
- Ian Paisley Jr to be the official mascot of Fáilte Ireland
- Alliance Party to tone down their smugness
- Fianna Fáil to apologise for throwing Sorcha McAnespy under the bus
- Aontú to be given special protected status
NEWS OVERSHADOWS ROYAL BABY
by May Kittup
NEWSPAPER editors have expressed fears that filler articles about the latest royal baby might soon be overshadowed by real news stories.
After months of blanket coverage featuring the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s first child, there has been a gradual return to current affairs and political issues.
Said one anxious editor last night, “We’ve all been completely overjoyed by the arrival of baby Archie on to the front pages, but now there’s a lot of carry-on to do with elections and these half-baked Stormont talks – it’s just unbelievable how selfish these politicians are.”
Meanwhile, speculation continues about whether the Duchess of Cambridge is due to announce that she is pregnant again with her fourth child.
Only one thing is certain. We’ve made all this up in a desperate attempt to fill the pages with something more interesting than Brexit and broadband.
On other pages
- How does Meghan look so good after birth? – p2-6
- Breast-feeding top tips – p7-9
(That’s enough about the royal baby – Ed.)
LAY-OFFS LOOM AS DINNY TAKES A BATH
By Dee Fendant
The legal profession was last night bracing itself for a devastating round of redundancies after former INM guru Denis O’Brien offloaded thousands of company shares for a few packets of Tayto and a Golden Crisp.
Hard-nosed evaluation clerks were reportedly distraught as they faced the possibility of cancelling trips to the rugby world cup and even Wimbledon due to massively reduced income.
Said one bereft barrister in Wicklow, “Denis helped to keep us afloat during the bad years thanks to all those writs he issued. But now that he’s lost all that moolah on INM, we’re getting worried.
“I’ve had to cancel the wife’s riding lessons. And what about my daughter’s rent? She’ll have to move into our second home. It’s barbaric!”
JOHN DELANEY BUSY ON GARDEN LEAVE
DALKEY TIDY TOWNS WILL ‘SHOOT ON SIGHT’
Dalkey Tidy Towns volunteers say they will implement a “zero tolerance” approach to intrusive election posters on its territory as it hardens its stance against what it calls the “greatest threat to civilisation since chewing gum”.
Speaking at the opening of a new window display yesterday, a spokesman for the group vowed to “go in with all guns blazing” if any posters appear within a ‘no posters’ zone.
“Be under no illusions, our volunteers will immediately seek out and destroy any unwarranted posters that intrude on Dalkey territory. That includes both local and European-based incursions,” he said.
The warning comes amidst reports of Dalkey Tidy Towns members openly carrying pliers and bin bags on the streets of the town ahead of visiting adjudicators.
Politicians of all parties and none have called for restraint, especially when it comes to using glue.
A Doctor Writes:
EARLY morning sickness, or Nausea Meghanonia Normalis to give it its correct medical title, is a highly contagious condition currently associated with the tabloid press.
Usually, the patient suddenly becomes violently sick as a result of being exposed to yet another inane feature about the pregnancy of the Duchess of Sussex, or Princess Markle of Sparkle to use the proper Royal terminology. Symptoms are likely to deteriorate during the run-up to the royal birth when crass headlines, such as “Glowing Meghan – What A Scrummy Mummy”, will almost certainly result in acute queasiness.
If you are suffering from morning sickness, you should stop taking the tabloids immediately or at least consider reading one of the other daily newspapers.
BOYNE DECLINES TO BACK DOWN
My Brother’s Name is Jessica author John Boyne has hit back at online criticism levelled at him following his Irish Times article about gender in which he rejected certain labels.
“A lot of people may not like how I describe myself, but I am a man who has written for the Irish Times and that’s just how it is”, he said. “Some people may not like that I am similar in certain ways to people like Fintan O’Toole, David McWilliams or Una Mullally but that’s no reason to threaten me with violence!
“It hasn’t been easy for me either. I wish we could have a civilised discussion about it instead.”
THE FEARGAL QUINN WHO KNEW ME
By Kian Ing
THERE are very few people that the entire Irish population take to their hearts even though they might only have seen them on television. Feargal Quinn was one such person.
Like everyone else who didn’t know the charismatic entrepreneur directly, I believe that I am better placed than most in thinking that I knew him in a unique way – simply as an ordinary weekly shopper in my local Superquinn store.
Excellent communication skills, judgement, insight… these are all essential qualities that a regular consumer needs these days – and I think I had all of these and more beside.
As someone who felt close to Feargal, I was naturally saddened when I took a quick glance at his Wikipedia page and found full details of his meteoric rise to the top.
He always said that there was a special bond between the shopkeeper and paying customer – and I think I understood exactly what he meant. Sadly, he will never see my likes again.