Category: Craic & Codology

‘MAD’ MAN GOES OVERBOARD

sinking ship

There were calls for tighter channel controls in Britain last night after a middle-aged man with a ‘foreign sounding’ name was discovered clinging to the side of a rapidly sinking ship. The man, named as a Mr ‘Farage’, had boarded the vessel GB News, an already antiquated rust bucket that has been seen struggling in... Read more »

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CONTENT DROUGHT SHOWS NO SIGNS OF ABATING

Brittas Bay beach

Meteorologists have warned the public that the intense wave of heat-related stories in the media is expected to continue for quite some time. The unexpected surge in tedious weather-focused pieces has been both ‘sudden’ and ‘dramatic’, said Met Éireann, leading to potentially devastating consequences for readers everywhere. Forecasters also fear that, due to climate change,... Read more »

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WHERE THEY PLAN TO GO ON THEIR HOLIDAYS

Leo Varadkar

Leo Varadkar It’s Wales for me again this year. I love those leek farms…. Mattie McGrath There’s a GAA field in the midlands that was the scene of a mass brawl in the 1960s. Carnage. One guy got a broken thumb. We all have our own Gallipoli’s. Jim O’Callaghan Rome has always appealed to me... Read more »

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OLYMPICS LATEST

ca-times

By Spleen O’Riordan Organisers of the Tokyo Olympics have said the athletes’ eco-friendly beds were inspired by the Irish government, whose shameless recycling of policies has caught international attention. However, the organisers insist the beds’ flimsy appearance is not an allusion to Team Ireland’s medal chances. “Micheál Martin seems to be an expert at hurdles,... Read more »

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LIONS COVID LEXICON:

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Super-spreader: Ali Price struggles to be one at scrum-half Endemic: Elliott Daly’s poor kicking Pre-existing condition: Warren Gatland’s contempt for the media Quarantining: Conor Murray isolated on the bench Restricted movement: Stuart Hogg on the ball Clinical trials: Allowing Owen Farrell on the pitch Severe lockdown: Lions at the scrum Vulnerable Person: Somebody who needs... Read more »

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OLYMPICS: WHAT THEY’LL BE WATCHING

Olympic Rings

Leo Varadkar I’ll be glued to the gymnastics on display at this year’s Games. Watching the athletes tying themselves up in knots and then desperately trying to wriggle free is fantastic. Reminds me of the whole Leo the leak thing, actually. Micheál Martin As somebody who always has a target on his back, I’m naturally... Read more »

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BORIS’S REASONING FOR TROUBLES AMNESTY

Boris Johnson

It all happened a bloody long time ago To be honest, it’s awfully boring Who even remembers all that British Army stuff? Besides I’ve got a flat to redecorate And I need to find a way to shut up Cummings, the bastard (That’s enough Johnson – Ed.)

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ALARM AS TWO MORE POSITIVE CASES IDENTIFIED

Virus

Health officials have called on the public to be extra vigilant after two more people tested positive for Micheál Martin in recent days. “Norma Foley and Michael McGrath are said to have shown signs of the condition after declining to mask their affection for the present Fianna Fáil leader. “I’m positive he’s doing a great... Read more »

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FRESH SPYING SCANDAL

spyware

Pegasus spyware has come under scrutiny after it was confirmed that highly classified communications between government TDs had been compromised. With the threat of highly sensitive information making its way into the public domain, including leaked memos showing deputies discussing All Ireland final tickets, expenses, PR stunts, and the hopelessness of Micheál Martin, ministers were... Read more »

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GREENS BOG RESTORATION

Bog of Allen

Environmentalists have raised concerns about the effectiveness of Eamon Ryan’s plans to restore Ireland’s peatlands to their natural state. It is hoped these measures will eventually benefit some species seemingly under threat, such as the Green toadie, and a number of leeches which attempt to cling to persons of power. One party spokesperson said: “The... Read more »

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PRINCE HARRY’S MEMOIR – EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW

Harry and Megan

Chapter 13 – Still a good relationship with the Royal Family One feels one must firstly clarify one’s relationship with my father, or as he affectionately asks me to refer to him as, ‘Prince Charles’. Much has been intimated in the sinister British tabloids that Meghan and I came to regard him as a pathetic,... Read more »

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GOLDHAWK PREVIEWS SOME OF THIS SUMMER’S HOTTEST READS:

Books

Book of Quantum Horrific tale about the ritualistic slaughter of innocent consumers by hard-nosed insurance companies and their pathological pursuit of profit. Expect plenty of blood-curdling quotes and comprehensive apathy. Ghosts of Rio Members of the Irish Olympic team complain of being haunted by the ghost of Pat Hickey even though he’s alive and kicking.... Read more »

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REASONS FOR DELAY TO HOUSING PLAN

HOUSING CONSTRUCTION

Roof about to cave in on coalition Government built on shaky foundations Walls closing in Too many cooks in kitchen and skeletons in closet Ministers too focused on second homes

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UNA MALARKEY: IRELAND HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH MY B*LLOX

Una Mullally

Ivana Badsh*t’s remarkable, phenomenal and monumental achievement will go down in Irish history – and maybe world history – as the greatest ever victory for a Sandymount worthy. But even more amazing, unbelievable and utterly astounding is that she beat a young man. I put the boot in in this paper a few days before... Read more »

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MISSING

Football Euro2020

Have you seen this football? It’s been missing since last Sunday. It was expected to come home between 10-11pm, but never arrived. Police say they are looking into reports that “a bunch of foreigners” may have run off with it. “They will face bad penalties if we ever catch up with them” said Inspector Boris... Read more »

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AA ROADWATCH DEMISE REACTIONS

AA roadwatch

Bernard O’Byrne Truly dreadful news for motorists everywhere. I just hope I can avoid car crashes and having to perform tricky U-turns without them in future. Michael O’Leary Good riddance if you ask me; always telling you to steer clear of here, there and everywhere. They’re every bit as bad as those maniacs in Nphet,... Read more »

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MATERNITY HOSPITAL FAILURE IS ‘INCONCEIVABLE’, SAYS VLAD

Leo Varadkar

By Bert Stone The Tánaiste said efforts to resolve issues surrounding the siting of the country’s new maternity hospital at Elm Park, Dublin, would eventually bear fruit. “There is no way this project is going to be terminated,” assured the Fine Gael leader. Mr Varadkar reassured the public that talks had “not been aborted” and... Read more »

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NO NEW IAN BAILEY DOCUMENTARY THIS WEEK SHOCK!

Ian Bailey

By May A. Culpa Irish television audiences were left frustrated and disappointed yesterday as it emerged there would be no new documentary focusing on Ian Bailey and the murder of Sophie Tuscan de Plantier this week. “It’s a huge disappointment and very suspicious,” said a frustrated barber in Kilkenny. “Surely the gardaí could dig up... Read more »

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DONOHOE RESISTS TAX DEAL

Paschal Donohoe

Finance minister Rascal Donohoe is holding out on the OECD’s new corporate tax deal, insisting that US treasury secretary Janet Yellen and other financial big hitters can be won around to our 0.00001% rate for multinationals. “In not signing up, we are aligned with a small but hugely influential group of countries, including Djibouti, the... Read more »

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TOKYO OLYMPICS LEXICON UPDATED

olympic rings

Run: what to do when somebody tries to hug you Track: similar to tracing, after identifying a new infection Silver: the linings the IOC is looking for in going ahead with the Games Relay: telling somebody else you have Coronavirus Catch: to become infected Shot: measure of vaccination

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HOW THEY COMPARE

StD-3914

Vampires Insurance industry Drains your blood Drains your bank balance Flies by night Fly-by-nights Bites in the neck Has some neck Stake driven through heart Heartless stakes for drivers Daylight terrifies Daylight robbery

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MORE PILOT CONCERTS ANNOUNCED

Outdoor music festival

The government has said it is “100% confident” there will be no Covid cases from a newly announced line-up of pilot concerts; the first of which will see U2 play a gig comprised entirely of material from the past 20 years, culminating in Bono’s appalling Euro 2020 anthem. One spokesperson said: “We would be shocked... Read more »

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GARDAÍ COVER UP

Rank-and-file gardaí have reacted positively to the news that they will now be able to sport beards while dressed in uniform. It’s believed members pressured Commissioner Drew Harris for the move following recent controversies involving the force. “Our officers have been involved in a lot of close shaves over the years and it was starting... Read more »

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STRAIN SHOWING AS REVIVED MUTATION EMERGES

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Health experts say they are becoming increasingly concerned by the re-emergence of an old variant in Irish politics in recent days. The single case of the Labour party strain, codenamed Bacik, was discovered in Dublin Bay South, where efforts by spin doctors to suppress it failed dismally. There are now fears that the variant may... Read more »

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‘I AM NOT TOTAL DISASTER’, INSISTS O’CALLAGHAN

Jim O'Callaghan

By Fionnan Spleen Jim O’Callaghan has hit out at his internal critics in Fianna Fáil, insisting the humiliation in Dublin Bay South is actually part of a grand strategy to ensure he becomes party leader. “Of course, there are short-sighted critics who think I had something to do with Dreary Conroy’s 0.05% of the popular... Read more »

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CLUXTON: THE WORLD HOLDS ITS BREATH

Cluxton

The world of Dublin-fans-with-nothing-better-to-do is holding its breath. The tabloids are working themselves into a frenzy trying to figure out the future of Dublin goalkeeper Stephen Cluxton. One Dublin supporter said: “Frankly, I think far too much attention is being given to this tedious Covid nonsense, and not nearly enough to what’s going to happen... Read more »

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TONIGHT’S TV COMEDY HIGHLIGHT

Retro tv icon

A Night at the Rugby – Classic Marx Brothers farce as our heroes organise a rugby trip to South Africa in the middle of a pandemic, with predictably disastrous consequences! Watch for the madcap scene where a grouchy Gato sends home for four Welsh taxi drivers, in a bid to make up the numbers in... Read more »

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CYBER ATTACKS KEEP HSE ON ITS KNEES

Stephen Donnelly

A recent spate of cyber attacks across the HSE and Department of Health have left insiders shocked. “The HSE has long prided itself on running IT systems that are completely impenetrable, even to our users,” said one insider. “Years of chronic under-investment have left our computer networks so antiquated that we just presumed it would... Read more »

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POOTS REASSURES THE WORLD

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By Grace O’Godd In his first full press conference since taking office, new DUP leader Edwin Poots has moved to reassure the people of Northern Ireland that he is a progressive and enlightened leader. “The heathens sayeth that I shall lead my people to the foot of the mountain and there they shall perish in... Read more »

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ANTIGEN TESTS

Covid test

After the success of our Covid-19 home testing kits, Lidl Ireland is delighted to bring the following products to the market: Kate O’Connell Water-Tester This device will help you test the waters to see whether you’ll sink or swim. N.B. Provides no indication as to whether you’ll be cast adrift. Cuckoo’s Nest Has a tendency... Read more »

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NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES

Michael O'Leary

Michael had some aeroplanes But had no place to go For every time he asked to fly NPHET told him NO! He stomped his feet in anger He warned of doom and gloom Oh how the people laughed to see Mick begging for leg room!

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‘MY HOUSE HUNT HELL’

sale agreed signs

by Our Property Staff Amid the current glut of grim warnings that house prices could treble by the end of this year, my editor suggested that I should consider writing a personal account direct from the housing crisis frontline. “A hard-hitting piece giving the human angle on what it means to be a housing victim... Read more »

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MARTIN-JOHNSON SUMMIT OUTCOME

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Governments to jointly select a can that will be launched down the road Further meeting next month to discuss possible summit to arrange next meeting Micheál and Boris jointly committed to maximising photo-ops Discuss nitty-gritty of NI protocol some other time More mealy-mouthed stuff about border poll from Micheál Boris to continue redecorating flat (That’s... Read more »

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SIX NATIONS LATEST

GUINNESS SIX NATIONS

A deal between RTÉ and Virgin will allow Ireland’s 2022 Six Nations campaign to remain free-to-air, meaning fans around the country will be able to enjoy the team’s routing of Italy, as well as the inevitable spectacular implosion against one or all of England, Scotland and Wales. RTÉ’s Dee Forbes welcomed the latest addition to... Read more »

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NEW CHEESE PLANT OUTRAGE

cheese

The government has reacted angrily to An Taisce’s objection to a Kildare Street cheese plant, which has been milking taxpayers on an industrial scale for decades. The plant specialises in a process known as “creaming it”, even as voters’ hopes curdle. “TDs are known for their cheesy smiles, but the whole place stinks,” said a... Read more »

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THOSE OECD RECOMMENDATIONS IN FULL

OECD

Transport Government parties carrying too many passengers Aviation Eamon Ryan’s head is constantly stuck in the clouds Environment Climate Bill is far too full of hot air Agriculture Healy Raes should be forced to cut the bull Infrastructure TDs will pay a massive penalty for even mentioning water charges Planning Government preparing to die on... Read more »

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