Category: Craic & Codology

POIGNANT VALENTINE WISHES FOR 2021

heart and love

Michael O’Leary to Tony Holohan I know my tantrums cause you pain And leave you quite astounded But deep inside I know you care And that’s what keeps me grounded. Micheál Martin to Leo Varadkar I know we both feel this is wrong I know it feels taboo But I love this bond we’ve made... Read more »

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BRUXELLES BRUSSEL

Phil Hogan

Penthouse Suite, Waterloo Golfo Deluxe Phil Hogan writes… The fiasco over Europe’s handling of the vaccine roll-out and the climbdown over Article 16 is humiliating for all involved. Without getting into the blame game, Mrs McGuinness and Ursula von Trapp spring to mind straight away. Is it a coincidence or what that everything was game... Read more »

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NEW BORD FÁILTE MARKETING MOVE

Failte Ireland logotype

Ireland – The Land Of Céad Míle Quarantines This summer, why not give your spirits a lift with a holiday in the Emerald Isle? Our 5-star attractions will ensure you have an unforgettable experience, from the moment you are securely locked into your hotel to the day you are let out again. Among the many... Read more »

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“NOT A TIME FOR GLOATING” – BORIS

Boris Johnson

HAHAHAHAHAHA Just because the UK has soundly beaten Johnny Foreigner again in getting to the vaccines first does not mean that we need to gloat about it. There’s nothing new about the EU’s soft belly raising its ugly head, of course. Take Ursula VDL, for starters. I mean, who on earth does this seriously deranged... Read more »

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MORE GREAT STRATEGIC MOVES FROM VON DER LEYEN

Ursual Von der Leyen

Improve football by banning Lionel Messi. Suspend all Netflix viewing during pandemic. Pubs to remain permanently closed after Covid era. More RTÉ comedy shows. Further pay increases for senior civil servants. (That’s enough Von Der Leyen – Ed.)

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SUNDAY WORST – EXCLUSIVE: DANIEL KINAHAN ‘A BIT DODGY’

Daniel Kinahan

A sensational BBC investigative programme last night revealed that the notorious Kinahan is a bit suspect. ON OTHER PAGES Bear defecates in woods (p6) Pope Catholic (p8) Gardaí launch PR offensive insisting they’re winning against Kinahan cartel (p11)

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POST DELAYS

An Post logo

Brexit and Covid-19 have resulted in massive delays to packages arriving from the UK. Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces experiencing delivery anxiety: Stephen Donnelly I placed a huge order late last year for some medical supplies from a very credible EU source who has failed to deliver. I’m getting a lot of grief as... Read more »

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FÁILTE IRELAND LATEST

Ring of Kerry

Fáilte Ireland is hoping people will take multiple staycations this year, with the tourism body chiefly targeting TDs and senior civil servants. “Election to the Dail is certainly conducive to a life of leisure,” said a spokesman. “This summer should be a boom time for local economies, as deputies pile up tabs around the country... Read more »

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GARDAÍ TO TARGET MEN PAYING FOR ‘UNSAVOURY ACTS’

Garda logo

By Con Dumb, Security Correspondent A crackdown on those who solicit seedy hook-ups is being prepared and will target lobbyists feeling out TDs in and around the Dáil. Intelligence gathered by the gardaí shows an increase in deputies prostituting themselves around major events, such as the passing of legislation affecting big business. “There is some... Read more »

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THAT VACCINE ROLL-OUT SCHEDULE

Vaccine

March: At least 30,000 more excuses from government for delays. April: Mícheál Martin to ramp up media appearances explaining latest failures. May: Leo Varadkar to be rolled out on Prime Time. June: Coalition commits to delivering 50,000 extra press conferences before year-end. July: Country gets another dose of Stephen Donnelly. (That’s enough roll-out – Ed.)

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EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS – “I’M NOT JUST BONO’S DAUGHTER” SAYS BONO’S DAUGHTER

article-default

A woman who has a role in a new Netflix drama series was the subject of countless filler articles in this week’s newspapers. All the stories were about her relationship with her famous father, an ageing Irish rock star. On Other Pages Article about the woman and her famous father – p2 Pics of woman... Read more »

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O’LEARY ‘SPREADING FEAR’ SHOCK!

Michael O'Leary

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has strongly rejected accusations of telling ‘scare stories’ and spreading ‘mass hysteria’ to the general public. The allegations came after the mega-rich businessman repeatedly prophesied that his airline would be “operating normally” again by summer. “It’s a very distressing thought”, said a Kerry mother of four, “especially when people’s mental health... Read more »

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GARDAÍ ACCEPT NEW CHALLENGE

Garda

An Garda Síochána has accepted a challenge from members of the public to solve some crimes. In a video shared on the official garda social media pages, officers are seen wearing their uniforms and carrying out investigative work. Recently, gangland figures and sundry criminals have been gleefully dancing around the force, apparently with impunity. “Seeing... Read more »

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DONNELLY ‘CRACKS’ GP VACCINE ROLL-OUT

Stephen Donnelly

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has praised himself for finding a solution to the logistical difficulties surrounding delivery of vaccines to remote GPs. “Ensuring that these vaccines are delivered safely throughout rural Ireland requires an excellently administered supply chain,” said the under pressure minister. “I’ve brilliantly decided to appoint Leo Varadkar to oversee this process. The... Read more »

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GAMESTOP: WHY DON’T THEY LISTEN TO ME?

David McWilliams

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to know that stock markets are not for faint-hearted day traders. Take the latest GameStop frenzy, for instance – something I’ve been forecasting for decades. Sure, we all love a feelgood story about plucky underdogs... Read more »

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CHURCH OFFERS SUPPORT FOR MANDATORY QUARANTINE

Magdalen asylum

With pressure mounting for the government to introduce strict quarantine measures for people travelling into Ireland, the Catholic Church has lent its support to the idea. “It would obviously be logistically very tricky to find suitable accommodation to quarantine so many people,” said one priest. “Fortunately, we are offering our services to the Irish government.... Read more »

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NEW VARIANTS DETECTED

Dept of Health

Public health experts have expressed concern at the variants the Government is offering on the same tired old excuses. The unconvincing explanations are being offered for a variety of abysmal failures, including schools remaining closed, sky-rocketing Covid cases, further leaks and a collapsing health service. “This highly transmissible new strain was first detected during a... Read more »

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WHITE HOUSE YARD SALE!!

White House Yard Sale

Why not snap up a few items of American history! Items include: Boxes of cleaning products (labelled medical supplies) Tanning bed (heavily used) Building materials for a wall (unused) Brochures for Four Seasons Landscaping Boxes of tax records (shredded) Complete collection of Stormy Daniels’ filmography Collection of letters from pen-pal (Kim Jong-un) McDonald’s loyalty card

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THIS WEEK’S RADIO 1 SCHEDULE

RTE radio 1 logo

• 09:00: The Ryan Tubridy Show Why those massive RTÉ salaries are justified. • 10:00: Today with Claire Byrne Are RTÉ presenters actually underpaid? • 13:45: Liveline Joe Duffy from Ballyfermot tells us his tragic story of struggling to get by on a salary of €390,00. • 15:00: The Ray D’Arcy Show What can you... Read more »

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NEW MADIGAN OUTRAGE

Josepha Madigan

Junior minister Josepha Madigan has apologised for failing to cause offence during a recent interview. Appearing on RTÉ Radio, Madigan offered clear and articulate views on the reopening of schools for children with additional needs. The interview was met with widespread shock on social media with many calling on the minister to resign. “I wish... Read more »

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BREXIT LATEST

Union Flag

GOVERNMENT GUIDE TO HAULIERS ON CUTTING THROUGH RED TAPE 1) Buy heavy-duty scissors. 2) Consult Govt. Safety Guidelines Section 58(a) for correct use of scissors. 3) Apply for Approved Certificate (Level 3) allowing scissors handling at Irish ports. 4) Fill in HGV insurance documentation re legal cover in event of scissors-related injury. 5) Send photocopies... Read more »

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WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE FORMER FIRST LADY?

Melania Trump

Melania weighs up her career options Write Memoirs All-gold coffee table record vit no need for words of any kind. Visuals only of historic times as First Lady role and third wife. Show I can stand on own foot. As independent totally elegant woman. High end of exclusive market. All top range official pics of... Read more »

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CALLS FOR NON- ESSENTIAL TRAVEL BAN

night image

There is mounting pressure for a ban on non-essential travel, as government TDs look to put clear blue water between themselves and a series of gaffes. Deputies are keen not to be seen within a hundred miles of recent calamities involving Norma Foley, Stephen Donnelly and Josepha Madigan, with many taking flight at the first... Read more »

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ADVERTISEMENT – THE JOSEPHA MADIGAN APOLOGY BINDER €20.21

ring binder

Cut out and lovingly store all of the Junior Minister’s apologies referencing pupils with special needs. This beautiful binder, tastefully decorated with the official Fine Gael logo, comes with 100 slide-in pockets – enough to last until at least 2022! €20.21 WARNING: Binder does not have zip-up facility. Hurry! While Josepha lasts!  

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BIDEN’S INAUGURATION SPEECH IN FULL

American Flag

My Fellow Americans, a cairde, It is with great pride and a supporting American-made handrail that I stand here before you today with a message for all Americans – not just the ones who voted for me, but also the ones who want to shoot me with an easily acquired firearm, or from their own... Read more »

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BANNON NARROWLY AVOIDS DEATH

Bannon

By our justice reporter – Sam Quentin Unconfirmed reports from Washington say that ex-President Donald Trump came close to executing his former adviser Steve Bannon during the final days of his presidency. According to sources, Trump became confused between the ‘Presidential Pardons’ paper and the ‘Expedited Executions’ list and mistakenly added Bannon’s name to the... Read more »

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HOLOHAN CAUTIONS AGAINST ‘IRRESPONSIBLE ADVERTISING’

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Ireland’s Chief Medical Officer has asked the Irish people to ignore anyone making false and irresponsible claims about vaccinations. Speaking today, Dr Holohan said: “While some people would rather gloss over the severity of this pandemic, we must not allow cheap distractions to make us lose sight of the struggle ahead. As such, the promises... Read more »

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SICK NATIONS ‘MUST GO AHEAD’

Sick Nations

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has called on sporting authorities to “move heaven and earth” to ensure this year’s Six Nations rugby championship goes ahead as planned. The plea comes as doubts remain whether the tournament will take place at all due to rising Covid numbers throughout Europe. Sources close to Kenny believe he is anxious... Read more »

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social distance

There is no end in sight to current speculation about when the lockdown will end, with public health experts warning of a fourth wave of opinion pieces from columnists, scientists and academics. “It’s high time we pursued a zero-filler strategy,” insisted Professor Luke O’Neill. “Editors should immediately place all hacks in quarantine and not let... Read more »

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IRISH NAMES REACT TO WASHINGTON RIOT

Riot

It was absolutely shocking to see Mr Trump’s supporters invade the Capitol building. I can barely get members of my own party to reply to my emails, or get a member of the public to vote for me. So to see the kind of blind loyalty to the President from his supporters is truly inspiring.... Read more »

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PARTIAL REOPENING OF DÁIL SCRAPPED

The government has abandoned plans to reopen the Dáil three days a week on the back of mounting opposition from TDs. In a statement, education minister Norma Foley expressed disappointment, saying many TDs were “at a vital stage of their development, as they learn how to fill out expense forms, elbow their way onto foreign... Read more »

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REPORTER REPORTS SHOCK!

Donnie O'Sullivan

SOCIAL MEDIA was overwhelmed with messages of support for an Irish journalist who reported on events across the Atlantic last week. Somehow, the reporter managed to report on the events for CNN even though there were other people gathered in the vicinity at the time, many sporting dangerous looking haircuts. Some war correspondents, currently under... Read more »

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VACCINE ROLLOUT BOOST

Vaccine

By Al Ergic Ireland’s efforts to speed up the coronavirus vaccine programme is poised to reach a new level following news that the Department of Health has ordered a new box of syringes. Announcing the measure, Health Minister Stephen Donnelly said the box of four syringes would double the Department’s capacity to deliver the vaccine.... Read more »

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IRELANDS FITTEST FAMILY

fittest family

Goldhawk previews the participants in the brand new series of Ireland’s Fittest Family: The Varadkars Obsessed with spin and social climbing, team patriarch Leo likes to flex his political muscles but there are concerns over his metabolic age of 96. The Martins Bitterly divided clan who are constantly at each other’s throats over the thorny... Read more »

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MORE RYANAIR CATCHY FLIGHT OFFERS ON STREAM!

Ryanair logo

Stitch and Soar! Celebrate the completion of any major surgery with a bargain Ryanair flight to any of over 100 destinations – from just €9.99! Simply show your fresh stitches to one of our sales reps to avail of the discount! Plaster and Fly! Your busted knee is safely encased and on the mend! Now... Read more »

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TRANSFER TALK – DELANEY SUBJECT OF TRANSFER SPECULATION

John Delaney

Despite some pundits saying he has a tendency to hold onto possession for far too long and be wasteful with opportunities, John Delaney is being linked to a shock return to Ireland. A move to arrange his transfer from his current commitments in England seems to be very much on the cards. “John is the... Read more »

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