Category: Craic & Codology

THOSE NEW YEAR’S  RESOLUTIONS

Leo Varadkar

LEO VARADKAR I’m really hoping to work on my fitness – not for political office, obviously – but to benefit my physical health and general well-being. Naturally, I’ll be focusing on improving my strokes in hot water. Meanwhile, my personal poll ratings continue to soar.... Read more »

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SIMON HARRIS: CELEBRATES SETTING NEW TROLLEY RECORD

Harris Photo

Simon Harris shows off his certificate Well everyone, we’ve set a new record! I want you to all give yourselves a big pat on the back. If you can’t hoist yourself upright in your hospital bed/trolley, then ask a harried nurse or doctor to do... Read more »

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STATUS ORANGE WARNING ISSUED OVER RETURN OF STORMONT

Orange Weather

Met Éireann hopes that things will pass smoothly but is braced for potential damage due to: The forecasted return of a heavy shower of eejits Foggy thinking Hot air being blown at gale-force levels Chance of it all ending in floods of tears Issued: 22:00... Read more »

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OTHER COMMEMORATIVE EVENTS CANCELLED BY THE GOVERNMENT

Harp

8 February – Laser-light show honouring the kidnap of Shergar 27 June – Sychronised swimming show (sombre) remembering the burning of the Four Courts 3 September – Commemorative belly-dance (tasteful) for the death of Oliver Cromwell. Special guest dancer – Peter Andre 9 September –... Read more »

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COUPLE CHANGE JOBS SHOCK

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

by Phil Royal Pages There was widespread shock and disbelief yesterday when a celebrity married couple announced that they would be stepping down from their current part-time roles in Britain to spend more time on holiday in North America. Front pages devoted to the catastrophic... Read more »

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GLENN WHELAN LATEST

Glenn Whelan

Following Glenn Whelan’s claim that he has been “thrown under a bus” by new Hearts manager Daniel Stendel, the SPL club are believed to be interested in signing the vehicle in question.    “Parking that bus in front of our back four would replicate the... Read more »

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‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’ AXED DUE TO INSURANCE CRISIS

dance with stars

There has been widespread consternation at the announcement that RTÉ will be cancelling Dancing With The Stars due to the cost of insuring the show having risen some 2,700%. “Shattered reputations, deflated egos and significant damage to public perception; with so many inherent risks we... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3801

StD 3801

Fr. Ray Kelly Eoghan Murphy Man of the cloth Cloth ears Believes in a higher power Can’t believe he’s still in power Struggling with sidesteps Sidesteps awkward questions Didn’t impress the judges Hasn’t impressed anyone Adheres to papal infallibility Adheres to Leo Varadkar’s infallibility Works... Read more »

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‘NO HOPE’ FOR HOUSE COLLAPSE SURVIVORS

Lead Pic

Emergency services say there is “absolutely no hope” for a group of men trapped in a disaster zone in north-west Dublin after the roof fell in on them. The men were understood to be trying to put a house in order while building some new... Read more »

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THE STORY OF DARA OF TWO PLACES

Dara Murphy

A READING FROM THE BOOK OF JOBS And at that time a man didst walk amongst the plain people by the name of Dara of Two Places. And many in the land calleth Dara a God, for verily it was said he hath the power... Read more »

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THOSE FAI ACCOUNTS BY THE NUMBERS

FAI Logo

0: Level of credibility leftNo.1: Who the FAI top brass looked out for3: Sponsor that bolted9: Cloud number John Delaney is on22: The catch that the FAI finds itself in90: Amount of craic the blazers have had over the years2534: Year the association’s debts will... Read more »

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BEEF PROTESTS UPDATE: FARMERS THREATEN ‘NO MORE PULLING IN’

Farmers

Farmers have vowed to bring their protests against the “murder of rural Ireland” to a new level of threat. Until beef prices increase, they will “refuse to pull into the side no matter how many cars are behind the tractor”. Every year dozens of drivers... Read more »

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CD OF THE SEASON

CD case judge eoghan murphye

To commemorate the recently successful vote of confidence in his work, Minister Eoghan Murphy is delighted to release this celebratory CD of his favourite festive numbers (though not including 10,417 and rising) as he refuses to change his tune. Happy Christmas (Voting’s Over) Fairytale of... Read more »

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PERSONAL INJURIES LAWYER WELCOMES WHITE WATER RAFTING PROJECT

Del Boy

While Dublin City Council’s proposed €22m white water rafting project has attracted its fair share of criticism, it has now attracted support from within the legal fraternity. Phil McCoffers of Whip, Lash and Leggit described the plan as a “golden opportunity” for Dubliners. The personal... Read more »

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PHOENIX XMAS GIFT GUIDE

BORIS JOHNSON WIG Frighten the life out of your loved ones this Christmas with the Boris Johnson wig. Simply place the lightweight floppy blond wig on your head and everyone will believe you are the Tory Party leader. Before you know it, you’ll be doing... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3724

StD-3724

EOGHAN MURPHY SANTA EOGHAN MURPHY Will disappear after Christmas Will disappear after next election Hands out presents Has no presence Has a naughty list Has huge housing waiting lists Carries a massive sack Should be getting the sack

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TOP PERFUMES OF 2019

Dara Murphy perfume

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BIRO FEARS GRIP FAI

Paul Cooke

Seasoned heads at FAI headquarters are reportedly “growing increasingly fearful and suspicious” as new interim Chief Beard Stubble Paul Cooke sets about re-organising and rejuvenating the beleaguered association’s bookkeeping regime. “I don’t like the look of this one little bit”, said long-time director Ben Hereforever.... Read more »

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FAIRYTALE MAKEOVER

Following the recent Twitter storm over BBC DJ Alex Dyke’s refusal to play Fairytale of New York on BBC Radio, after calling it a “nasty, nasty song”, Ian O’Doherty has just rewritten the lyrics to make them more acceptable to the hysterical PC (politically correct)... Read more »

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THAT RUGBY WORLD CUP REVIEW

IRFU new logo

Key Points: Team experienced difficulty adjusting to local customs (hardwork, modesty, organisation, etc) Language barrier prevented local media from communicating with Joe Schmidt and Rory Best Time difference played havoc with preparations as Irish side still thought it was 2018 IRFU blazers refused to renounce... Read more »

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ELON VARADKAR IN LAUNCH FIASCO

Elon-Musk varadkar

Serious questions have been raised about Blueshirt Inc chief executive Elon Varadkar’s future at the helm of the company after an embarrassing gaffe at the launch of one of his brand new, hi-tech candidates. After criticising his rivals for their faulty products, Varadkar was left... Read more »

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O’DEVANEY GARDENS – THE KEY STATISTICS

statistics

Number of people happy with the deal: 2 (maybe) Number of people who fully understand it: 0 Rise in Eoghan Murphy’s blood pressure: Through the roof Affordability of ‘affordable homes’: One national lottery win away Number of photos of some grinning minister cutting the ribbon... Read more »

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BORIS: ELECTION DIARY: ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!

Boris boxing

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t Wed: Gosh! It’s election time and yours truly has hit the ground with all guns flying. Bojo is currently out and about on London’s backstreets meeting the ordinary decent voters in Belgravia and Knightsbridge. Even the proles can’t... Read more »

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LORRAINE CLIFFORD-LEE FAVOURITES

Lorraine Clifford-Lee

Favourite film: Traveller Favourite song: Caravan, Van Morrison Favourite TV show: Big Fat Gypsy Weddings Favourite nuts: Brazilian Favourite food: Window dressing Favourite star: Red Dwarf Favourite exercise: Backtracking Favourite body part: Cloth ears Favourite politician: Haughty 

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RTÉ AUCTIONS

Auction Gavel

Lot 13: Marty Morrissey, Ray D’Arcy, Marian Finucane This three-piece collector’s item has long lingered within the Montrose storehouse and is of genuine antique value, dating from the test-card era. History of tender handling and comes to market due to high maintenance costs, fading veneer... Read more »

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THAT FIANNA FÁIL/SDLP MANIFESTO IN FULL

SDLP-FF-logos

Key points of the Fianna Fáil/SDLP election manifesto: Mary Lou McDonald is a bit much, isn’t she? Lorraine Clifford-Lee to be hidden in the House of Lords  Timmy Dooley to be sent to the Falklands (one-way) Absolutely no references to Claire Hanna’s antipathy to Fianna... Read more »

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IRISH CRÉCHES ‘A HOTBED OF TERRORISM’

Verona Murphy

Fine Gael by-election candidate Verona Murphy has called for the “immediate closure” of every crèche in Ireland amidst fears of “a jihadi uprising” by three to five year olds. “I am reliably informed that tens of thousands of these kids have been radicalised by Islamic... Read more »

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BUSHTUCKER TRIALS FOR IRISH CELEBS

I'm a celebrity logo

Dee Forbes RTÉ’s head honcho will have to walk barefoot through a field of buffalo-dunged nettles while chewing on the larvae of dead cockroaches to remove the envelope bearing notice of a €2 licence fee increase from the maggot-festering intestines of a dead badger. Sickening... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

Pope Francis

Beatific pre-festive greetings from Rome. Yes, Francis here in complete humility. As the leader of 1.3 billion faithful, I love to keep in contact with my Irish flock who are always in my infallible thoughts. What a joy to hear from my very good friend... Read more »

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TOP TOYSHOW TOYS

My little Leo

My little Leo From the Inaction Man series, this current Taoiseach model could prove a surprise hit. The lightweight figure is fully adaptable with shifting eyes and a lovable two-phrase vocabulary. Use the pull-string to hear Leo say: “I want to take full responsibility” and... Read more »

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PRINCE ANDREW ADMITS ‘STAYING WITH ROYAL FAMILY’

Prince Andrew

By Dee Sgustin In another sensational interview this week, Prince Andrew has defended his spending time with the royal family for years, despite public concern about their behaviour. The prince says he understands alarm among British tax payers over the number of children the family... Read more »

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Spot The Difference

StD 3723

José Mourinho Mick McCarthy Won Champions League Out of his league Sets ambitious goals Team can’t score goals Spent lots on players Players are completely spent Full of self-confidence Full of self-doubt Special One Surplus One in 2020 Managed throughout Europe Managed to blow automatic... Read more »

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IRISH WATER FEAR EXCUSES DRYING UP

DROUGHT

by Our Environmental Staff – Phil Bucket Irish Water issued a renewed warning last night that the company is facing “a major shortage of excuses” over the coming months. A spokesperson for the waterless utility said: “We are currently experiencing an exceptional drought of credible... Read more »

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Read The Phoenix Craic & Codology

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THE DAILY TORYGRAPH

Boris boxing

Boris: Nil Desperandum! Britain’s head honcho tells it like it isn’t TRIPLE CRIPES! What a busy week with all this unholy hullabaloo about seeing off the Eurocrats once and for all. Well, entirely thanks to the gargantuan efforts of yours truly, the whole Brexit hoo-ha... Read more »

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HALLOWEEN HORRORS

Halloween

Nightmare on Every Street A man gets a job as a taxi driver in Dublin and soon enters a nightmare world filled with obnoxious students, spontaneous projectiles of vomit, bankers, consultants and racists; where overworked gardaí take 25 minutes to arrive. Watch for the scene... Read more »

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