SUMMER SCHOOLS GUIDE
Magill Summer Schoolzzz
Come and listen to some of the most boring men imaginable (and some women) droning on and on about the imminent collapse of capitalism, post-Brexit apocalypse dysfunction and the prospect of irretrievable cultural decline on a global scale. With Fintan Tool, Colm Tóibín Una Mullally, Roddy Doyle, Mary McAleese and Joe O’Connor.
West Kerry Literary Festival
In-depth interviews, long talks, extended launches, round-the-clock exhibitions and various Dublin-centric events. Guest speakers include Anne Enright, Germaine Greer, Una Mullally, Margaret Atwood, Louise O’Neill, Ruby Wax and Margaret Drivel. This year’s provocative theme is “Ooh! Aren’t Men Awful!”
Sligo Snooze Festival
Celebrity literary couple Zadie Smith and Nick Laird head up this year’s three-week event, but ignore the rest of the programme at your peril. Better still, just stay in the pub and avoid having to meet Richard Dawkins, Fintan Tool, Una Mullally, Jawn Banville etc. etc. (That’s enough awful summer schools – Ed.)
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3715
|Problems with visa
||No problems with visa card
|Back in the spotlight
||Fans in the dark
|Always kicking points
||Known for kicking for touch
|Popular with the Dubs
||Not popular with the PAC
|Put back in the Dublin team
||Put on gardening leave
|Always a handful
||Always has hands full
|Hoping to retain Sam Maguire
||Hoping to retain six-figure salary
MORE WAREHOUSES FACE CLOSURE
By our security insurance correspondent Heidi Hole
The cost of insurance is having a detrimental effect on the warehousing business, with many in the sector threatened with closure in the near future. The most recent closure came as a particular shock to the industry. And it could be 10 years before it opens again.
As many of these warehouses are responsible for the importation and storage of extremely valuable merchandise, the cost of ensuring that it is kept out of the hands of thugs, like the notorious CAB gang, has been escalating. Protection costs – manpower and the hardware they must carry – have been rising steadily.
A spokesperson for the sector, Mr Noah Boddie (not his real name) said: “Nobody can be guaranteed to keep his warehouse operating under the current circumstances. We are being gouged by the state. Somebody has to do something if the young people of Ireland are ever to believe that crime really does pay.”
WAREHOUSE CLOSING DOWN SALE
Nobody does it better!
- Nine revolvers
- Four semi-automatic pistols
- Sub-machine guns
- Glock pistols
- Assault rifles
- 1,355 rounds of ammunition
- 42 balaclavas, black
- Assorted ‘Scarface’, ‘Sopranos’ and ‘Love/Hate’ DVDs
So bite the bullet now and try to get here before the Garda.
Free ‘Arsenal’ replica shirt.
GUNS’R’US Warehouse Regency Road, Crumbling, Dublin
RE-OPENING SOON…NEW VENUE…NEW MANAGEMENT
COUNTRY DIVIDED OVER TIME CHANGES
FOLLOWING the EU’s controversial decision to end seasonal clock changes, Ireland is still undecided about which time zone is better for the country.
“It would be profoundly serious if two different time zones were to exist on the island,” said justice minister Charlie Flanagan yesterday.
However, there has been a different reaction in Northern Ireland.
“Loyalists have always been perfectly happy keeping everything exactly as it is,” commented DUP Leader Arlene Foster last night. “God-fearing Protestants are quite content with being 300 years behind. Indeed, Standard Daylight Doomsday Time has prove to have enormous benefits – particularly to our political health.”
NEW LOOK HSE TO THRIVE
Health minister Simon Harris moved to reassure the public last night that a reconstructed HSE “will easily cope” with half a dozen simultaneous debacles if the current structure is broken into regional jurisdictions.
“Rest assured that every regional head will have had vast experience in dealing with every conceivable scandal and disgraceful episode imaginable,” said a confident minister yesterday. “In fact, it should be even easier to defer panic by pretending nothing is wrong when it affects a far smaller number of locals, instead of citizens all over the country, as has been the case in recent decades.
The Minister for Health and Excuses added that, in the case of another cervical smear test type scandal, for example, the numbers affected by the mishandling of almost everything to do with the issue could be pretty miniscule under the new proposed regime.
“It might not even attract the attention of the gutter media and so it would be business as usual, which is what we all want at the end of the day, don’t we?”
HOW SLÁINTECARE WILL WORK
Nurses: Regional staff will enjoy the option of individual walk-outs or waiting until discontent spreads and joining an all-out national strike.
Beds: Punters, sorry, patients will still enjoy access to no beds for six days in line with established practice.
Grievances/complaints: Patients who have been seriously wronged or even merely misled may bang their heads off a brick wall in an easily accessible regional head office rather than travelling to Dublin. Area bosses will be permitted to explain things to Joe Duffy in their own words from the downloaded script.
Urgent appointment with a consultant: Clubhouse 20 minutes before teeing off as usual.
NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES
Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb, with fleece so shiny white
It followed her to school one day to learn to read and write
But uniform and books and quill cost a grand at least
Oh how the mums and dads did cry to see the lamb being fleeced.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill in joyful mood and laughter
But clumsy Jack tripped on the track and sprained his wrist thereafter
“I’m not to blame, I’ll make a claim,” he cried, as Jill agreed
They took the stand and fifty grand was what the judge decreed.
POST-BREXIT MEDIA CHAOS AFTER OCTOBER 31ST
IT’S NOW likely that every one of the country’s leading companies will pull out of Ireland en masse if there is a no-deal Brexit on October 31st.
“Ireland is facing its greatest crisis since the foundation of the state,” said Rebecca Crisis of the Irish Times. “No wonder people are filled with horror when they read their newspapers every morning,” she added.
The main downside for media like the Irish Times and RTÉ is that, when a decision is finally actually made on the imposition or otherwise of a no-deal Brexit, “it will be hard to import new material to substitute for the huge output of our hysteria division,” explained Phil Space.
It appears that, in the event of an actual outcome from the Brexit negotiations, stories will dry up immediately and there will be long queues on Google, presumably focused on international stories.
URSULA VON DER LEYEN WUNDERFRAU
Who is she – the new president-elect of the European Commission?
A former gynaecologist and mother of 14, Ursula von der Leyen has left European capitals abuzz this week as she prepares to take on the EU’s toughest job. After a distinguished 23-year career in Brussels working under Otto Handintill and Rene La Payola in charge of the prestigious Paperclip Directorate, Ursula stormed to the top of German politics.
She currently sits on over 100 advisory boards and consultative organisations, including the important Organic Olives Licensing Agency. As defence minister, von der Leyen took personal responsibility for modernising the country’s armed forces by closing them down completely.
However, the Bundestag, which investigated accusations of systematic malpractice within her department, found no fault whatsoever with the minister’s thoroughly suspicious conduct.
Ursula continues to be a symbol of European elegance and chic, with round-the-clock photo opportunities. With her glamorous looks and high-flying lifestyle, it was no surprise that her close friend, Chancellor Merkel, recently put her in charge of Mismanagement and Sado-Nepotism.
While some question her suitability for Europe’s top job, there is widespread agreement that von der Leyen is the ideal choice to succeed the out-going president, Jean-Claude Juncket.
Whenever I think of Wimbledon, it always brings back painful reminders of how I have chosen to serve, only to be called out and said to be at fault by the assorted bas***ds who chose to betray me for their own political ends.
Anything to do with the courts is of course of great interest to me and that is why it is most imperative that I am there to greet the winning jockey as he or she come out of the water.
It’s my favourite game! That combination of a racket, taking a swing, playing ball – and, of course, the court – has me on the edge of my seat with anticipation. Oops… there I nearly go again!
It always leaves me completely baffled how, when a crisis threatens, they somehow manage to get that roof over everyone’s heads. Bizarre.
THOSE SCHOOL GENDER DIRECTIVES
- History to be replaced by theirstory
- Manholes on premises to be designated personholes
- Geography to avoid focusing on any one place in favour of a more fluid approach
- Pink salmon and bluefin tuna to be replaced on school menu with grey mullet
- Biology to be banned
- Chemistry to avoid reference to any pH less than or greater than 7
- Grammar studies to focus only on acceptable use of pronouns
- Gym classes to be limited to walking on eggshells
THE DAILY TORYGRAPH – MEET MY TEAM!
Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t
Yikes! Just days to go before the ghastly Mrs May finally rides off into the sunset, leaving yours truly in charge. So who are my team? Let me introduce them:
- First up is the PM, the head honcho in complete charge of everything. And, of course, that’s me. No further discussion!
- Then there’s the chap dealing with economic stuff and all that dull day-to-day borrowing tosh that our good chums in the banking world know about – so again, good old Bojo’s the boy for that role.
- As for the fellow in charge of home affairs – well, that’s obviously Bozza’s specialty (just ask the grumbling ex-wives, eh?) and it’s me again at the helm there.
- One of the top-notch jobs is Brexit. Bit of a mess so far. But with me in charge, the UK will soon be booming again – thanks to spanking new trade deals with Mesopotamia and Narnia.
- Foreign affairs I know about and can rely on my new pal Trumpy for hands-on advice. Can’t wait to get back in the saddle visiting glamorous hot-spots – not to mention all that exotic totty. Phworr!
(That’s enough Boris – Ed.)
ORANGE PARADE ROUTE ANNOUNCED
Departing from Tango Avenue, the march will proceed in a God-fearing straight line to Crimson Street, where it will swing right past the third set of police barricades.
It will then trample across the barricaded entrance to Papist Mews, during which the band will strike up ‘We are the Champions’ by Her Majesty the Queen.
The Order will proceed along Nectarine road past the line of German Shepherds and round the back of Fanta Hall, where a wreath will be laid at the tomb of the Unknown Gurrier.
The march will return by Tangerine Road, pausing to salute the memory of King Billy by the water cannons, before swinging left just before the mounted police outside the No Surrender pub and into Shield & Baton Walk, where the march ends.
We ask that everyone behave in a peaceful fashion throughout and that an enjoyable day is had by all in this era of mutual trust and free expression for the province.
WORKING FOR PENNEYS!
Child workers all over impoverished areas of Asia proudly raised their voices in celebration this week as Penneys, an Irish company that has been providing employment in the regions for years, celebrated 50 years in business. “We work for pennies,” they chanted, while banging the tables with their fists and tears of joy streamed down their cheeks. “We work for pennies.”
EU/MERCOSUR BEEF MENU
Old Ma Hogan’s Scrambled Egg (on face)
Meat Ballsup with mishy mash
Imported Beef in a chlorine jus Steaks (are high)
South American Bread Rolls
Gaucho Fillet (of wallet) With deep-fried Oodles of Cash
Rich (Argentinian) pickings
Traditional Creed Waffle and Fudge Sauce
(making a) Mint Tea
Usual Selection of IFA Whines
THAT SINN FÉIN RESHUFFLE
- Fianna Fáil outreach: Mary Lou McDonald
- Poppies: Liadh Ní Riada
- Active age: Gerry Adams
- Leadership material: Pearse Doherty
- U-turns: Martin Ferris?
- Designer stubble: Eoin Ó Broin
- Annoying Simon Harris: Louise O’Reilly
DEFENCE FORCES PAY RISE “ESSENTIAL”
by Our Industry Staff Phil Front-Page
Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe yesterday defended the decision to abandon the pay cap in the public sector for the country’s defence forces. Speaking on RTÉ, he said, “It’s absolutely vital that we give the army a little more money – especially as they are going to be working much harder over the coming months dealing with industrial action from hospital workers and teachers.”
He continued, “It’s inevitable that there will be union walk-outs, disruptive marches and other street demonstrations – all of which will need to be controlled – and that is going to put serious pressure on public finances.”
The minister concluded, “The Government is determined that our soldiers are well-paid and motivated at this crucial time. Otherwise, we won’t be able to support the Garda in arresting militant troublemakers out to spoil things for Leo and me.”
LEO’S CARDINAL SIN
The Catholic Church has demanded a swift apology from Leo Varadkar following his controversial comments about the organisation. During a heated Dáil exchange, the taoiseach compared Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin to a “sinning priest”. This prompted uproar among members of the clergy, who were stunned by the comparison drawn with a senior member of FF.
According to one curate, “Obviously the Catholic Church in Ireland has made some mistakes, but drawing analogies between us and Mr Martin – a member of the odious and shameful 1997-2011 regime – is simply beyond the Pale. It’s not as if we bankrupted the state or set up the HSE,” he said.
The Fine Gael leader was heavily criticised on social media. One Twitter user described his outburst as “over the top and needlessly cruel”.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714a
|Kept in battery cages
||Keeps getting battered in cages
||Pelted bin at bus
|Hunted for fur
||Hunted by press
|Related to weasel
||Relates to Dana White
|Hides used for clothing
||Unable to hide from trouble
|Promoted as ideal fur brand
||Always promoting his own brand
||Loves rabbiting on
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714
||Acts like royalty
|Acts like Robbo’s friend
||Claims to be the princess’s best friend ever
|Really annoys Sheikh Mohammad
||Really annoys lots of people
|Considers herself more important than the other wives
||Considers herself more important than everyone
|Fled to London
||Fled to the UN
|Desperate to fade into the background
||Desperate to fade into the foreground
BORIS TO BOUNCE INTO FAI SHOCK!
WHILE THE FAI has dismissed suggestions that Boris Johnson could be the next chief executive of the troubled organisation, the rumour refuses to go away.
The one-time shoo-in for UK prime minister has watched his poll ratings plummet on foot of a high-profile ‘off the ball’ tackle last week and football observers here say that ‘Bojo’ is exactly the kind of chancer required to make the FAI great again.
While Johnson has much in common with former CEO John Delaney – including an eye for spotting blonde talent – it is believed that the tubby Tory has a firmer grasp of the politics of the modern game, particularly in Europe.
Johnson would apparently “drag the FAI kicking and screaming into the 21st century and maybe jammy us a tournament qualification”, said one anonymous supporter. “We are not going to do that inside the existing system.”
Suggesting that the time for diplomacy has passed, the insider noted, “If we want to be strong players in Europe, we need to tell the bureaucrats in UEFA where they can stick their qualifying groups and seeding systems. That is fine for the big countries, like German and France, which have the whole thing sewn up. But for the Republic of Ireland, it’s a case of drawing the short straw just because of our so-called piss poor ‘rankings’.
“We have nothing to fear from Boris’s bluster. After all, we have regularly crashed out at the group stage, deal or no deal.”
THOSE FAI RECOMMENDATIONS IN FULL
- Dramatically change culture of Irish soccer by qualifying for tournaments
- Glenn Whelan to be banned from staying in the same position for longer than eight years
- John Delaney to only be allowed sing Kate Bush songs
- Women’s football to be taken seriously (sort of)
- Climate-change responsibilities mean keeping grassroots in the dark
- References to Declan Rice to be phased out completely
- Matt Doherty to get the odd game
- Gráinne Seoige to be appointed to FAI board
- Stephen Ward’s social media account to be monitored at all times
- Stephen Kenny scapegoating to be deferred until mid-2021
BORIS: NEARLY THERE!
Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t
Phworr! What a totally historic time for Bojo to finally take his rightful place in the No 10 hot seat. And let me just pay tribute to my distinguished predecessor, Mrs Mayday, who has been an eminently exceptional Tory leader and has coped pretty brilliantly, despite not being nearly up to the mark.
But make no mistake, we will never see the likes of this robotic nonentity again. So this now clears the way for yours truly to do another top-notch deal with our troglodyte DUP chums and guarantee that Britain will once again be the talk of Europe.
With Bozza in charge, expect generous tax cuts across the board – to really encourage the super-rich and our good pals in the banking sector.
On education, we can look forward to more buns at Eton. And watch out for an immediate significant reduction in hospital waiting lists – for all private patients. You can’t say fairer than that.
Meanwhile, fair-weather friend Gove is obviously a drug-crazed liar who isn’t remotely fitted for high office. Which leaves the Bozmeister right on the job to rescue everyone from the absolute disaster that Milady May has inflicted upon it. Onwards and upwards!
(That’s enough Boris – Ed.)
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3713
|Shameless attention-seeking diva
||Shameless attention-seeking diva
|Obsessed with her public image
||Obsessed with his public image
|Latest record is a bit of a disaster
||Political record is a bit of a disaster
|Fond of adopting children
||Fond of adopting popular policies
|Loves to talk dirty
||Loves to talk about himself
|Wrote song for Kylie Minogue
||Wrote letter to Kylie Monogue
||Completely power mad
OUT NOW! – VLADAME X
Leo Varadkar recently wrote to Madonna asking to pose for a photo and also the opportunity to collaborate on an album along with some showbiz pals.
- Maudlin (solo by Leo)
- God Control (featuring John Delaney)
- No Future (with assorted backbenchers)
- Crave Power (featuring Kate O’Connell)
- Butch I’m Loco (with Murph)
- Looking for Mercy (featuring Brendan ‘Howlin’ Howlin)
- Extreme Accident (Swing version with Maria Bailey)
ENDANGERED SPECIES: NO. 999 – THE COMMON SHATTERSNIPE
Once seen and heard sticking its beak in here, there and everywhere, this fly-by-night creature has now been reduced to just one disconsolate member, according to observers.
“It has been brought close to extinction by its resilient predator, the Leowl,” says one expert in has-been species who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. “It used to be so chirpy when it was resting with the legal eagles, but now the one that’s left just broods in the tall grass with the grouses.”
Recognised by its blue denim-like coat and very thin skin, sometimes the Shattersnipe’s whiney tone can be hard to listen to as it snipes aggressively at the world around it, increasingly showing an inability to adapt to the changing environment.
The Iranian government has confirmed that it was responsible for bringing down a high-flying drone.
The noisy robot, one of the ‘Donald’ range, was thought to be cruising at an altitude of “several lies per minute” when it was knocked off course and its ratings were seen plummeting to earth. There is little detail about the drone’s condition, but it’s believed it will be difficult to put everything back together again. The Donald model, while very powerful, is considered “fragile and high maintenance”.
A spokesman for the Iranian side claimed the Donald had been droning on for weeks. “I think we did the Americans a favour to be honest,” he said.
LATE ADDITIONS TO CLIMATE ACTION PLANS
- 9am to 9pm curfew on Danny Healy-Rae emitting any more hot air.
- More recycling of fossilised ideas from Shane Ross, Richard Bruton etc.
- Any toxic Garda behaviour to be buried very, very deep.
- Suggestions emitted by Micheál Martin to be doused in cold water and allowed decompose naturally.
- More wind turbines far from where ministers are living.
- The following words are to be phased out to save people the energy of writing them on a regular basis: ‘U-turn’ and ‘hypocrites’.
- Cycle the last 20 metres to the government jet (under consideration only).
TEMPTRESS INSPIRES LONGFORD LADS
MIDLANDS Love Island sensation Maura Higgins says she “dearly hopes” her performance on the reality television show will inspire her native Longford footballers to “go out and get what they so dearly want, what they need”.
The 28 year old has wowed viewers with her tenacity and determination to come out on top of every situation. “When you’re after something you desperately want, you have to make that jump, grab it with both hands and hold onto it hard,” advised the shapely star.
“Longford football has been underperforming for way too long and I like to think I have shown them another way to improve their position and come out on top.”
Tacky reality show in which a group of extrovert contestants pretend to be close friends. Behind the scenes, they are all secretly trying to screw one another every chance they get. Viewers will be watching avidly tonight to see if Leo will eventually come clean about taking any drugs during his university days. Is this the reason that he’s losing any appeal he ever had?
Creepy denim-clad Alan keeps moaning about all the unjust things that are happening to him. His lurking gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.
Murph says working out is important to him, but the trouble is that he isn’t working out with anyone and everyone wonders how long before he gets the heave-ho.
Meanwhile, in a last desperate bid to save her crumbling career, provocative Maura Lou is thinking of getting into bed with Micheál, even though he is already in bed with Leo. Confused? Not nearly as much as they are.
Warning: Contains tawdry scenes of flirtation and betrayal that are unsuitable for children or, indeed, adults.
by our Health Correspondent Seth Downe
IN A shocking new development, the Minister for Health Spending, Simon Harris, has announced that the Irish health service will face yet another crisis from next week.
“It’s true,” he confirmed. “I have been advised that, from next week, every hospital in the country will be occupied by patients. They are threatening to occupy all of the wards, operating theatres and waiting rooms – even taking possession of the trolleys in the corridors.”
While some of the protesters will conduct what they are terming a ‘short-stay’ protest; others are set to occupy trolleys for days on end. Some older patients say they are willing to die on the trolleys if necessary.
“How can one run a health service if patients conduct themselves in this manner,” the health minister asked. “It’s my job to decide who gets to be stuck in hospitals wards and corridors.”