Category: Craic & Codology

NOTRE-DAME – MY HEARTACHE

Quasimodo

by Phil Space

Just a few short weeks after the terrible inferno raged through the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame, I have now had time to process this momentous event and come to terms with what has been a life-changing experience.

Who could ever forget the crowds of distraught Parisians who gathered to pray and sing plaintive hymns beside the crumbling edifice?

I recall visiting the famous landmark on a school trip when I was 12. This has made the horrendous conflagration all the more poignant.

I had thought of taking the full week off work, but decided to soldier on through the heartache and come into the office on the Thursday afternoon. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy.  
So despite the unbearable anguish, I can finally see through my tears to a brighter future, with even more tourists flocking to Paris to take selfies outside the charred building and choke on centuries-old dust.

Thankfully, all is not lost.


JOE BIDEN’S POWER GRAB

A GUIDE TO IRISH BIRDS

clare daily

1. Claire Dalyus Europaus

While native to Ireland, Dalyus is hoping to nestle down in Brussels for a few years and avoid the hard winters in Fingal. Critics claim her once-proud red plumage has faded and this has resulted in her having to survive on scraps from the media.

Delaney outus

2. Delaney Outus

Instinctively knows how to featherbed and it has been suggested that he urgently needs to have his wings clipped. Very unlikely to leave his current position until he gets his claws on a large nest egg or is granted safe sanctuary in Europe.

john boyne

3. Johnus Boyneus

Was told to wind his neck in having been accused of sticking his beak into areas he knows very little about. His signature tweets have decreased in recent times and this could effect his ability to hawk his new book and earn some bread.

Paddy cosgrave

4. Cosgraveus Idiotus

This notorious bird brain has a reputation for taking flight without warning and is renowned for his ability to pump out his chest. Migrated to Portugal some years ago, but occasionally returns to Ireland to ruffle feathers.


Festy 05-03-19

OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER FAVOURITES

Ole Gunnar

Favourite film: Crash 
Favourite song: Free Fallin’, Tom Petty 
Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm 
Favourite exercise: Nose-dive 
Favourite food: Crumble 
Favourite hobby: Hitting the skids 
Favourite fruit: Lemon 
Favourite utensil: Flash in the pan 
Favourite vehicle: Tank 
Favourite animal: Swanny


Leo Film Poster

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3709

StD-3709

CRICKET IRELAND JOHN DELANEY
Responsible for wickets Responsible for sticky wickets 
Train batsmen Trained to bat away questions
Once beat Pakistan Enjoying Indian summer
Rain affects their matches His reign will never end
Balls made of cork Makes a balls of everything
Play one day internationals Playing for time

deAn - ICU

DELANEY SECURES SPONSORSHIP DEAL FOR FAI

John Delaney

FAI supremo (at time of writing) John Delaney has announced that he has single-handedly secured a new sponsorship deal for the embattled organisation.

“Yes,” he responded modestly, “entirely through my own example I have been approached by a drinks company to become a brand ambassador for the company’s water brand, based purely on my sparkling performance in consuming a whopping six carafes of the stuff at a recent Oirechtas committee hearing.”

Unfortunately, Mr Delaney was precluded from announcing the name of the brand, on legal advice.

Meanwhile, the under-fire FAI executive vice-president John Delaney (frequently sworn at but not as yet sworn in) has moved slowly to explain his gaffe at the recent UEFA U17 Euros draw at the Aviva Stadium, when he demonstrated a total lack of understanding of the first official language.

While welcoming guests at the draw, Delaney explained that when he said that ‘céad míle fáilte’ means “good evening and welcome” what he really meant to say was that it actually means “a hundred thousand euros… sorry… I meant welcomes.” 

“I understand the Irish language very well: better even than Mick McCarthy. I use Irish all the time. Like at the end of every month when I receive my monthly salary, rent and other expenses from the FAI, I say, ‘go raibh maith agaibh’. That means ‘Thank you, guys’. So there!”


What’s in that Black Hole?

black hole

ENDA’S NEW JOBS

Enda Kenny

Call Centre Operator
Having spent a lifetime sitting around reading from a prepared script, the former taoiseach will have no problem advising unsuspecting members of the Irish diaspora about surefire investment schemes.
Automated Railway Announcer
Kenny’s robotic speaking voice is ideal for tedious announcements, such as “the 10.35 to Castlebar is delayed indefinitely”.
Public Service
Enda has always dreamt of getting involved in politics and possibly doing something good for the country.
Gravy Train Driver
(Already doing this – Ed)


Phoenix FAI_2

PWC’S CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL RECOMMENDATIONS

PWC logo

  • Never underestimate the amount of people who would notice
  • Order three dozen more red flags
  • Make sure they are large ones
  • Alter terms of reference to include ‘gobshites’,
  • ‘clueless’ and ‘bonehead’
  • Don’t mention young Harris
  • Use big words when explaining it all to the ordinary poor slobs
  • Stay away from Seán O’Rourke
  • Make sure we get paid in full with this shower

TEST CASES FOR FAST-TRACK DIVORCE

Leo and Micheal

Leo and Micheál

Been together since 2014. Always tension in the House whenever they are within sight of each other. Micheál thinks Leo is a control freak and Leo says Micheál is not supportive enough and refuses to obey.

John Delaney and John Tracey

John Treacy & Delaney

Money problems can so easily rip couples apart and, now that John T has begun withholding the housekeeping money, the relationship looks to be in terminal decline.

Conor McGregor and Conor McGregor

Conor McGregor
While Conor still loves Conor more than anyone else in the world, Conor’s erratic and often violent behaviour in recent years surely means the whole sorry affair should be left to die with whatever bit of dignity might be left.

MEDICAL MATTERS

Medical-matters-Harris

This week shock specialist Dr Simon Harris reflects on what it’s like to feel stunned.

As a doctor, people often say to me, ’Doctor, I am in a terrible state of shock and I don’t know whose fault it is! How can this be?!”

Of course, the truth is the unfortunate carrier has fallen foul of the common cold comfort or Debillisoutrageous, as it is medically known. Typically the patient’s jaw will have ‘dropped’, the mind will have become ‘boggled’ and, in all likelihood, the blood will have boiled. It inevitably occurs after someone has taken wrong advice and left themselves too exposed to the winds of change.

Ah but look it, ’tis nobody’s fault at all. As the legendary shock disaster specialist Dr Varadkar says, ‘These things happen and it’s best to forget it ASAP I’ve forgotten about blaming people for things and it hasn’t done me any harm at all, at all! Not yet anyway.”


Phoenix_INM

VLAD’S WORK-OUT LEXICON

Leo mud

What he says: What he means:
  • Pressing the flesh
  • Banana republic
  • Running mate
  • Returning officer
  • Spin
  • Minding the constitution
  • Massaging the muscles
  • Lots of native-grown vitamins
  • Bloke jogging alongside me
  • Someone jogging towards me
  • A vigorous exercise class
  • Eating proper foods

Phoenix_GOT

SCUMBAG BOLLARDS MUST BE TAKEN OUT

Paul Williams

Am I the only one who feels deeply concerned that, last week, one solitary bollard almost derailed the entire police service of this country? (Great start Pauly! – Ed)

It surely beggars belief that the security of every man, woman and child in the state is dependent on these faceless constructions – who are accountable to nobody – behaving in an upright manner at all times.

It might suit the snowflake pinko pseudo-Ghandists to adopt a laissez-faire attitude to this arrangement but, as was terrifyingly demonstrated last week, all it takes is for one rogue bollard and its goodbye freedom and hello anarchy. (Spot on! – Ed)

I’ve personally witnessed bollards prevent brave gardaí from gaining access to alleys and estates as they sought to remove some of the vilest vermin of Irish life from their holed up, welfare-funded sanctuaries paid for by the decent, law-abiding taxpayers of this country. (Great stuff. Makes you want to weep! – Ed)

Had that scumbag bollard (Bas***d! – Ed) taken out commissioner Harris last week, as eye-witness accounts claim it almost did, our children and their children’s genetically modified children might be waking up to a far more dangerous Ireland in times to come.

Bollards only have to be lucky once – time they were given the bullet. (Brilliant, Paulus magnificus! That’ll shift some copies! – Ed)

THOSE ISRAELI ELECTION RESULTS

Netanyahu

JERUSALEM EAST

  • Benjamin Netanyahu (Some Likud Hot Party) 66,600
  • Benny Gantz (Centrist Blue and White Party) 66,599
  • Moshe Smitem (Not so Centrist Black and Blue Union) 18,307
  • Rabbi Avi (Old Testament Party) 14,815
  • Softi Neissman (Let’s Treat the Palestinians Better Alliance) 9

BETHLEHEM SOUTH

  • Election cancelled due to mysterious absence of electorate. (No change)

    Phoenix_Leo_Bigger

THOSE DIVERSE GARDA RECRUITS IN FULL

Garda-logo-colour

12 who don’t take ketchup at all on the burgers
8 skilled at turning on those computer yokes
18 right clever clogs for investigating stuff and that kind of thing
2 corner backs, badly needed
3 foreigners we’re keeping an eye on…
6 Rangers supporters
1 lad with a beard

THE SPECTATOR

The_Spectator_logo

Dear Ambassador,

Thank you so much for your kind letter. We here at the Spectator always appreciate correspondence from Eire.

We thoroughly reject your thesis that our publication has adopted anti-Paddy positions now or in the past. Our editor, Fraser Nelson, is a card-carrying papist and lots of our contributors have those funny apostrophes in their names.

Who will ever forget our intense coverage of the spud famine (which was completely your fault by the way) or our unquenchable support for the people of Ulster?

Count yourselves lucky that we give you the time of day at all. If it was up to us, we’d spend most of our time blaming Muslims for the Brexit delay or Jeremy Corbyn for the fall of Saigon or something.

Anyway, we have to scram because Rod Liddle is about to blow a gasket about people speaking Welsh in public.

Slawn lats,
Spectator board


Keyes - Snubutteo

DREW HARRIS FAVOURITES

Drew Harris

Favourite film: Short Circuit 

Favourite song: Convoy, C.W. McCall 

Favourite TV show: Northern Exposure 

Favourite town: Ramsgate 

Favourite pub: Break for the Border 

Favourite car: Escort 

Favourite band: Guns and Roses 

Favourite animal: Flipper 

Favourite body part: Arms 

Favourite album: Never Mind the Bollards

T.V. LISTINGS

Retro tv icon

Rome v Republic – RTÉ One, 10.15pm: Neoliberal high priest Michael McDowell looks at how a deeply pernicious cult (the Progressive Democrats) maintained its grip on the Irish body politic for so long.

The Great House Revival – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Join Johnny Ronan as he makes sky-high profits from his latest construction project. Housing minister Eoghan Murphy makes a special guest appearance as a hod carrier for developers.

PETER CASEY’S PLATFORM

Peter Casey

  • Roma to be removed from Serie A
  • NATO to be given control of Donegal 
  • Ireland to replace euro with bitcoin 
  • Dragons’ Den theme music to be the new EU anthem 
  • Something about 5G 
  • Reject all comparisons with UKIP 
  • Free PTSD counselling for Gavin Duffy 
  • Find out why the D–evil went down to Georgia

    Festy - Easter Bunny

MERKEL: EU TO ANNEX ARMAGH

Merkel

As part of a revolutionary plan to manage its border with the UK, Frau Merkel has announced that the EU is considering annexing what Angela Merkel has referred to as “parts of ze Nordetenlands zat righfully belong to ze Varadkar Republic, namely ze county of Our Ma”.

According to Frau Merkel, who was enjoying a refreshing eighth pint of Carlsberg after her back-stop (surely “whistle-stop”? – Ed) tour of Dublin said: “Our Ma is known as ze Orchard County and produces wonderful apples from which cider is made so we cannot permit zat it remains under the jurisdiction of ze Brits who are no better than Orchard Thieves and Bad Applemen.”


Mike Shiell - Small talkers

‘DRAGON’ TO CONTEST EUROS

Peter Casey

Businessman Peter Casey has announced his candidacy for next month’s European Parliament elections.

Launching his campaign, the former Dragon promised to be “the voice for rural Ireland”.

“Speaking as an ordinary working Joe millionaire,” he said, “and definitely not as an opportunist flaunting fake man-of-the-people credentials, I believe that my policies will resonate with decent, hard-working people everywhere.”

He also refuted accusations of anti-Traveller bias, saying, “My only concern is rural safety and ensuring that people in remote areas have AR-15 rifles to protect themselves against low-life criminals travelling around in their untaxed Hiace vans. The whole place is overrun with hordes of migrant freeloaders – just because we need an endless source of cheap labour. Well, no more!” (That’s enough Casey – Ed)

VARADKAR GETS TOUGH WITH MERKEL

Merkel Varadkar

By Phil Frontpage

IN A move that has already sent shock waves through Europe and the UK, Leo Varadkar has pledged that he will devote all his time and energy into doing everything that Chancellor Merkel tells him.

Speaking to reporters in Dublin after meeting Mrs Merkel yesterday, the Taoiseach said that the two leaders had exchanged “frank and forthright” views about the continuing Brexit impasse.

“Angela reminded me of the Irish Government’s appalling course of inaction in failing to make any preparations for managing the border in the event of a ‘no deal’ outcome,” he continued, “and I fully agreed with her in the toughest terms possible that it was right and proper (And high time!_Ed) that I did something useful.”

Looking shifty and ashen-faced, Mr Varadkar added: “Let me make it crystal clear that I would have come up with this tough-talking initiative even if Mrs Merkel had not insisted that I do so – which surely shows the UK Government that Ireland really means business this time.”

When asked whether there would be any checkpoints manned by customs officers and British soldiers along the border, Vlad replied, “I wouldn’t know anything about things like that – you’ll have to ask Mrs Merkel.”


Phoenix Apple2