Craic & Codology

Category: Craic & Codology

KEANO UPDATE

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

ROY KEANE has vowed to quit giving up on things for 2015. Having recently left his assistant manager position at Aston Villa after just four and half months, the Cork man has vowed to cut down on the habit. ‘The idea came from going to see Gone Girl with some of the lads on the Ireland panel before Christmas,’ says the Irish assis- tant manager. ‘It was crap but I stayed until the end. Then I ordered a coffee in a café and even though I didn’t think the barista poured it particularly well, I drank the whole thing. Now I am determined to quit quitting once and for all. I’ll stick with this for as long as I can.’

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


FLANNERY LATEST

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Former Fine Gael strategist Crank Flannery has said the party’s very existence is threatened unless he is on board for the next general election. Speaking last night, Flannery commented: “Ireland is heading for an Flanneryapocalyptic abyss if Enda doesn’t utilise my extraordinary political genius. I think it’s time the media focused on my unparalleled strategic brilliance rather than those massive Rehab payments. Oops!” Meanwhile, other possible strategists the Taoiseach has met with include Charles Manson and Robert Mugabe.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


EMPTY BED FOUND IN HOSPITAL – INQUIRY DEMANDED

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Angry crowds gathered out- side the Ministry of Health last night after it was revealed that a free bed had been dis- covered in one leading Dublin hospital.

The demonstrators handed out leaflets claiming that pa- tients on trolleys had already suffered enough without Leothis latest shock.

“My 90-year-old grandfa- ther has just got used to the busy corridor where he has been for the last five weeks,” said one distraught protestor. “It would just be too great a shock to suddenly move him into a strange bed in an over- crowded hospital ward after all this time.”

Meanwhile, HSE spokesman Mike Madeup appealed for calm and promised an immediate inquiry into the free bed development.“The occasional empty bed is bound to become available once in a while,”said Mr Madeup,“but the public can rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure that no patient will be offered a free bed ever again.”

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Rory McIlroy:

Try to win 3 majors to be in with a shout of winning the BBC Sports Personality

Conor McGregor:

Learn to be more outgoing

David Drumm:

Take acting lessons to become more convincing

Ched Evans:

Contact Mike Tyson regarding getting career back on track

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


TV LISTINGS

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Game Of Thrones:

Sexually explicit, ultra-violent story of medieval political intrigue. Contains strong language and scenes some viewers may find distressing. Starring Aidan Gillen

Charlie:

Sexually explicit, ultra-violent story of medieval political intrigue. Contains strong language and scenes some viewers may find distressing. Starring Aidan Gillen

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


CHARLIE SHOCK

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

CHARLIE STARS Aiden Gillen and Tom Vaughan-Lawlor have said that their roles in the RTÉ drama are the toughest they’ve ever had to play. Both featured in Love/Hate as murderous, treacherous gangland bosses but say those roles were like playing Bosco in comparisoncharlie-shock with their characters in the new drama. ‘Ah here,’ said Gillen, ‘those roles were easy. Now I am playing a man who was at a different level of evil than Johnboy. Johnboy wouldn’t have lasted a second with Charlie.’ Vaughan-Lawlor, who plays Char- lie’s press secretary, said: ‘There was a lot of duplicity involved, a lot of wheeling and dealing, a lot of back- stabbing. So playing Nidge in Love/Hate served me well in getting into the mind of a government press secretary, yeah. I just had to ham it up a few notches to be convincing as PJ.’

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


New Drumm Uproar

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

In a sensational ruling that has sent shockwaves throughout the financial world, a US judge has ruled that the former Anglo Irish Bank boss David Drumm was “not remotely credible” and that his statements to the court were filled with “outright lies”.

Just seven months after Drumm’s Boston bankruptcy trial, the damning 129,000-page ruling concluded that the 48 year- old banker had made statements to the court that were “knowing and fraudulent”.

Close associates of the former banker immediately expressed their surprise at the latest development. “Although I have never met Mr Drumm and know nothing about his dodgy financial affairs,” said one former colleague, “I have great sympathy for him and his millionaire wife at this very difficult time.”

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


REBOOT IRELAND LATEST

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Health experts say Ireland is facing a “catastrophic” population explosion due to the political party being launched by former Fine Gael TD Lucinda Creighton. “The new party’s four founding principles are so in- credibly promising and reassuring for Ireland’s future that people are inevitably going to want to have lots more children,” warns sociologist Raisa Brood. “I already know dozens of pro-life couples who have already started going to bed early. They can’t wait to rear large, happy families but

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


IRISH INDOBRIENDENT NEW EDITOR HAILS FRESH DIRECTION

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

As he commences his new role as editor of the Irish Independent, Fionnan Spleen yesterday stated that the paper was about to enter an exciting new era.

“Under the guidance of the supreme leader, his magnificence Denis O’Brien, the Irish Spindo can lookindo forward to a bright future largely based around the same tired old guff,”said Spleen.“As well as acknowledging the vitally important role that filthy rich business tycoons play in our society, we intend to provide a dynamic mix of dull news stories, hackneyed lifestyle features and egotistical columnists.”

Stephen Flay, INM mouthpiece-in-chief, said:“We are delighted to announce the appointment of both Fionnan and Cormac Berk, who succeeds Anne Harass at the Sindo. They are committed to building INM’s reputation as a digital company, as well as boosting their own profiles and egos.

“At INM we put great store in developing our talent across online and print, in addition to making shedloads of money. We intend to grow our market share until there is no other media organisation left globally. Cormac and Fionnan will bring a fresh prospective, and hopefully we will see a sizeable growth in readership – as well as our executives’ bank balances.”

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]