Unprecedented apocalypse if Irish Water abolished
The future for Irish society if Irish Water is abolished
By Cath O’Strophic
Heaven, Hell and the Celtic gods of yore will rain down tongues of fire, unleash giant rats onto the streets and convert the seas to acid if Irish Water is abolished, according to legal opinion supplied to the beleaguered water agency.
“And that’s just day one – expect plague, earthquakes and the dead rising from their graves within a week,” warns a source who has seen the document. The same source insists the gods consider non-payment as, “no minor matter… There could be children eaten alive by hordes of poisonous ants!”
The source angrily denies scaremongering. “Oh no, the gods are already extremely angry and vengeful. You’ll be aware of Fianna Fáil making a comeback…”
By Joe Hannesburg
Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements to his house.
The property included a luxurious house and gardens, cattle enclosure, amphitheatre, chicken coop, swimming pool, visitor centre and helipad.
Said one Fianna Fáil veteran last night, “For Zuma to be using taxpayers’ money to fund this sort of extravagance is mind-boggling. I thought I was doing well with All-Ireland tickets and the odd trip to Brussels, but this man’s achievement under democratic rule is incredible. Even Charlie would be jealous!”
Agreed an envious Fine Gael TD, “The South Africans are an inspiration to every politician who has ever craved their own chicken coop and helipad. It just goes to prove that democracy works if you believe in yourself.”
Teachers strike warning
by Our Education Staff – Will Phail
Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI).
“It now looks as though we will have no alternative but to take industrial action over the coming months,” warned 26-year-old Polly Technic, Head of Media Studies at St. Jude’s Comprehensive. “However, due to the huge number of staff shortages, substitute teachers will need to be brought in to go on strike.”
Ms Technic appealed to the Government to take immediate remedial action to solve the issues of unequal pay rates and low morale.
“We don’t have enough teachers to stand outside school gates and cover the official picket lines,” she continued. “It’s time something was done – because it’s an absolute disgrace that there are insufficient numbers of trained staff to not teach our young people.”
By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent
Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain Shattiér is at once both simple and pretentious with more than a hint of arrogance.
The chef was doing bird on the day of our visit and my companion, Rob, opted for the cooked goose and filleted stool pigeon with spilled beans – all handed down concurrently with porridge and thyme served.
Ignoring a rather raucous group at a nearby table, I decided to take a stab at the grill meat menu instead, and went for the horse’s head-in-a-bed special, with hot potato in lemon grass with porky pies and more porridge.
For dessert we broke out with I scream on artichokes before ramming down a cocktail of Bloody Mary, Brandywell and out on Baileys, which we positively slaughtered!
Verdict: Food to kill your mother for! (Which we did)
CRIME STATS LATEST
Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More of them need to resign to stop people feeling murderous,” says a senior garda. “It could bring the figure down to 10,000 if Joan Burton alone packed it in!”
Amongst last year’s statistics, 2,540 threatened to kick Enda Kenny into eternity the first chance they got, 3,976 vowed to strangle the entire Labour party, 4,812 swore they’d gladly do time for finishing off Irish Water, and a whopping 5, 076 promised to push John Delaney under a bus!
McShane Euro fears
MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is now a doubt to make the squad for the summer showpiece. However, four years ago the defender was unexpectedly added to the panel at the last minute for Euro 2012 by Giovanni Trapattoni.
Reacting to the news that 3,000 extra guards had been hired for the tournament, O’Neill said: “It’s always good to know that there are additional security measures to keep unwanted people away. I’m not inclined to pick Paul, but that hasn’t stopped him in the past. We’ll pass on his picture to the French authorities and keep him away from the hotel, the training ground and, most importantly, the games.”
ROSANNA DAVISON FAN CLUB MEETS IN DUBLIN 2
DEFENCELESS SOLDIERS BLINDSIDED
1916 Souvenir Edition
ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE
Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of violence were visible near the Irish Times offices, with one of our reporters even getting caught up in the skirmishes.
One of the Irish Volunteers
“I was in the middle of churning out some more pro-unionist rubbish when I heard a loud bang,” said the journalist, A Hack. “It was my editor hitting the table with his fist, as he cursed these bloody upstarts ruining Easter week. I went outside to take a closer look and saw that Irish rebels had opened fire on British soldiers, whose only means of retaliating was artillery fire, gunboats and thousands of reinforcements.”
Thankfully, historians are in agreement that this latest failed insurrection was of no historical import. “It will have no long-term impact,” said one commentator. “When they’re writing the history books in 100 years’ time, it will be totally forgotten about.”
Entire party throws hat in ring
Labour Election Latest
Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title “Labour Leader”.
• Brendan Howling, 69, the dark horse in the contest and one of the brightest names in the political firmament; right of centre and believes passionately that he is “the right man for the coveted job”.
• Alan “AK” Kelly, 47, boyish, intensely ambitious. He is a passionate believer in his ability to replace the outgoing leader as soon as possible and take Labour into last place as usual in the next election.
• Joanie Burton, 67, just right of left and intensely hated. Although not standing, she is hotly tipped to spend her final days languishing on the back benches while she writes her revealing autobiography about how she was shafted by the old boys’ club – the bastards!
BURTON ATTEMPTS TO ENERGISE LABOUR PARTY
Miriam Lord’s Weak
Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks off? At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have one by Qatar 2022.
Enda Kenny wants to emulate Jamie Vardy, but at the moment he’s looking a bit Paul McShane. Micheál Martin, meanwhile, has appeared more Glenn Whelan than Yaya Touré. It’s fair to say the supporters are getting irate on the sidelines – the nightmare scenario is that we have to go to a replay. FF and FG are finding it hard to field full teams, and the roles of the Independent Alliance and the Rural Five remain unclear.
Truly, we need a ringmaster to take control of this political circus.
APPEAL FOR MISSING MAN
An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on an RTÉ bulletin at 8am commenting about something or other.
Gardaí became concerned when the historian failed to appear on any further TV or radio shows and have urged anyone with information on his whereabouts to contact the Garda Confidential Line or any Garda station. “At first we weren’t worried but it’s been over three hours now,” said a spokesman for the cops. “His family say it is extremely out of character for Diarmaid. If anyone knows anything, please come forward.”
Every school to have own liquor licence
Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues
In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.”
The commitment comes after the Fine Gael leader promised fast speed broadband to every pub in rural Ireland. “It is every child’s right to have access to ultra-modern communication,” says a Fine Gael spokesman. “This initiative will ensure that no young student’s thirst for knowledge will go unquenched. We expect at least 30 interface hubs in every primary school front bar as soon as 2018, with subsided peanuts, three flavours of Taytos, billiard tables and dartboards.”
MICHAELLA McCOLLUM UNCOVERED
General election analysis – where did it all go wrong?
by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran
JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager anticipation about constitutional reform and a power-sharing arrangement between FF and FG.
Week after week, our special post-election supplements also outlined the possible shape of an exciting new minority government led by one of the two major parties. Unfortunately, all the optimism suddenly vanished and complete disillusion set in.
It soon became clear that our in-depth analysis was nothing more than the same old rubbish rehashed.
Our long-winded supplements speculating on the shape of the next government did not provide a radical new alternative to the standard cut-and-paste stuff.
In fact, everyone had read it all before and knew that the latest round of filler pieces would drag on indefinitely and remain unfinished by most readers who…
(That’s enough election analysis – Ed.)
WB YEATS ON SIR KNOB: “IMBECILE”
WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from
a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have taken up poetry if I knew an imbecile like Bob Helldof would be attempting to understand my poetry on national television”.
The poet blasted, “I’m supposed to be looked into by scholars and rich ladies; not some ****ing hippy emigrant from Blackrock who gets on his knees to Elizabeth Windsor!” He continued “Have you ever read Yelldof’s own lyrics? Sure a child on 80 cans of red bull could write better verse.”
He roared about the show’s title A Fanatical Heart, “A Fanatical Fart more like. What the hell were the likes of Neeson, Van the Man and Stephen Fry thinking? Geldof should do everyone a favour and f*** off back to Blighty or wherever he comes from.”
“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman
Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)
A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence.
Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the documents was all a big mistake.
“This is clearly the result of an administrative error,” said Dodgy, speaking from his South American mansion. “I have a longstanding reputation as a generous philanthropist and pillar of the community, and any suggestion I was trying to save a fortune in tax is absolutely outrageous – I’ve never heard such a preposterous allegation in my entire life.”
Asked about documents showing him to be partnered in an offshore company with Colombian arms dealer Miguel ‘Psycho’ Sanchez, Dodgy said the arrangement was totally above board.
New Adams uproar
Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event.
Soon after the Louth TD landed in the States last week, an explosive situation shook the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the White House. Several presumptions were blown apart in the massive surge of protocol with the shockwaves felt as far away as Dublin. The TD himself is said to have suffered a bruised ego, with some witnesses claiming to have seen smoke pouring from his ears.
“They definitely had prior knowledge of what was planned. As far as we’re concerned it was their own fault that they got caught in the blast of bad publicity!”, insisted a defiant spokesman last night.
Carruthers set for shock call-up!
MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham.
The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own in any company.”
However it is the young midfielder’s attitude under pressure that left the Ireland gaffer most impressed. “I liked the way he was able to find space and the way he passed was sublime”, says the manager. “And I think he would enhance the dressing room. He is the optimistic type. For Samir the glass is always half full. Yes, definitely one to watch out for.”
“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists
by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail
As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties.
“Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people who will guarantee me a junior ministry,” the Dublin South TD told reporters. “As far as I’m concerned, there’s really no difference at all between Enda Kenny and Micheál Martin – except that I expect one of them to offer me a great big office plus generous expenses, the odd helicopter ride and perks galore, including paid lackeys to fetch my caffè mocha every half hour.”
Arriving in Leinster House yesterday, Mr Ross maintained that an agreed minority government could work effectively over the next four or five years. “Because it will rely entirely on my support, it could be a win-win situation,” he said. “I win – and then I win again with all this extra publicity.”
In Memory of Paul Daniels
Farewell then, Paul Daniels
I half liked your deception
But not a lot
As you used to say
But this is an exception
So well done, fair play
No smoke and mirrors
as once feared
This time you really have
24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients spend on trolleys in Irish hospitals before getting a bed
Under Siege 2: Coverage of GAA National Football League
Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin
Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree in the steaming landscape, where chameleons, sloths, snakes in the grass and lots of other slimy creatures abound.
Environment changes means the two species may need to converge to interbreed to avoid being swamped but so far they have failed to do the necessary.
“Sadly they are behaving as everyone expected, with lots of posturing and grunting and of course plenty of nit-picking and finger pointing”, says one monkeyologist, “but unless we see the leaders scratching each other’s backs and one brown nosing the other’s backside, then this will fizzle out. I feel one of them may team up with a bunch of independent minded baboons instead.”
TAOISEACH EMERGES FROM LATEST ROUND OF GOVERNMENT NEGOTIATIONS
Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell
It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and this is what I have to put up with.
Well, no longer. I will continue to churn out guest columns in the Sindo until I have reversed this unacceptable social trend. We are all entitled to wear what we like when we guest on Ireland’s top weeknight programme, with its unique mix of sparkling guests, lifestyle segments and topical discussion.
Too many social judgements are passed on people who just want to discuss international humanitarian crises in a bit of style.
So come on Ireland – let’s sort this out!
VULTURE FUND GUIDE
Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour
POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe.
While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law.
Without the new law a major loophole could be exploited that would see two former members of Boyzone and Westlife join forces to form a ‘supergroup’ that would subsequently tour the country.
Faced with the possibility of hundreds of people seeing Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy on stage together trying to sing, the squabbling politicians have come to a consensus.
“This was a close call,” said one TD. “Luckily, amidst all the petty rowing, we were able to come together to introduce this bill which will outlaw any members of Boyzone or Westlife ever stepping foot on a stage again. The consequences of young people actually witnessing such a spectacle could send the country back years.”
Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue.
A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains.
A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have developed a software programme that can manage to stop AND go forward. Passengers will have to get used to the robotic drivers not grunting at them. We also cannot guarantee that the machine will drive into as many cars as our experienced human beings do.”
Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries
Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged!
Caller: Too feckin’ right I have!
JD: Do you know who did it to you?
Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths!
JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with…
Caller: Everything. They all work for a national broadcasting company and mug licence payers like me with massive salaries…
JD: Ah, stop…
Caller: Everyone knows them…
JD: Don’t go naming names now…
Caller: Tubridy, Finucane, O’Rourke, yoursel…
JD: Stop that now! I warned ya about naming names! That’s not on… we’ll take a break…
Rising celebrations celebrated
Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities
As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.)
Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster a firework between them, let alone a weekend of throat-rattling speeches, emotional re-enactments and spectacular bar extensions (3 am in a some places over the weekend! – Ed)
How gratified they would be, 100 years later, to see even the hundreds of homeless families and the many victims of crime, led by a temporary government with the full blessing of Germany, celebrate the dream they made possible by their blood, that flowed through the streets of the capital… (Ok, that’ll do – Ed).
It is amazing to think about who we now are as a people, as we stand at the dawn of the precipice of a new Ireland… (get on it with it – Ed.) They would never have believed that every town hall in most of the 32 counties would avail of borrowed EU funding to… (Why do you always have to spoil everything?! You’re fired! – Ed.)
FIANNA FAIL UPDATE
FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”.
The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are adamant they are the best party to lead the new Dail in the absence of a clear and obvious Fine Gael plan to form a new Government.
“If you look at our record, no-one has more experience of dealing with a situation like we are facing here,” said an FF lackey.
“Rent hikes, a smattering of cranes across the Dublin skyline, Anglo in the news, Fine Gael in freefall. We have loads of advisors, from Biffo to Bertie, on hand to guide us. What could go wrong?”
Meanwhile, FF have denied reports that the cow who attacked Michael Healy Rae is to be offered a ministry in any new government. Speculation had grown that the cow would be approached to head up a new department of rural affairs, but an FF spokesman dismissed the rumours.
“Certainly, the cow showed admirable initiative,” said the spokesman. “It would probably feel at home amongst the other animals in cabinet, but it’s still too early to make that call.”
That updated Student Proclamation
“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have breakfast in bed instead of exams and do fun stuff to help parents become emoji literate. Snapchat and Instagram will be enshrined and that in the whole legal constitution.
“We pledge our lives to futuristic technology like having even smarter iPhones installed inside your actual brain so that you can download music directly to both ears. Also, as soon as this present government are all dead, we should just lower the pension age by like fifty years or even more. Hoodies will then be officially compulsory for everyone under 19 and parents will not be allowed to be boring.
“Also, we hereby proclaim a proper Health Service with cool doctors like on telly who are not totally so old that they’re almost entirely senile and who will just give you whatever you basically need all the time, such as padded adhesive plasters for severe Playstation blisters.
“We therefore pledge to ensure a shared society for all. This means having 24/7 access to home-grown Irish ethical food like quinoa and paranormal yoghurt instead of just takeaways which are fine at weekends, of course.”
THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE
On Podium outside GPO
(Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks)
President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys
1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon
Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat
2nd Broken-down Ambulance Fleet
Ms Lucy Creighton, Mr Alan Shattered and 30 ashen-faced ex-Labour TDs
1st Mobile Toilet
James Collins, Samir Carruthers and 1 dozen foaming pint glasses
2nd Rate RTÉ Float
Mr Ryan ‘Tubs’ waving his annual pay-check of €495,000
3rd Open-Top Bus
Mr Conor McGregor still fuming over Las Vegas loss to Mr Nate Diaz
4th Open Stretch Coffin
Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another
(Note: Ten-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession.)
(That’s enough Parade – Ed.)
Should Enda Kenny get involved in politics?
THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government.
“While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member of Fine Gael, “it’s obvious that he simply isn’t cut out for politics and is completely unsuited to taking on the task of forming any kind of government.”
Mr Kenny had earlier visited Leinster House where he repeatedly asked TDs of all parties to join him in forming a new administration.
“It’s getting so embarrassing at this stage that Enda would be well advised to leave complex matters, such as taking over the leadership, to someone who is much more multi-talented – like myself,” admitted health minister Vlad Varadkar. “And on top of everything else, even his friends hate him.”
Danny Healy Rae playlist
- Smells Like Irish Water Money
- Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water)
- Uptown Pipe Repairs
- He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)
New government expected by 2050
A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week.
The latest offering from FG is believed to include a comprehensive programme for rural renewal, including the formation of a new body called the Department of Healy Raes. The wooing of the Independent Alliance has also continued, with the proposal to build statues of several of the party’s TDs in key locations around the country.
However, an FG spokesman has firmly ruled out any participation in “pork barrel politics”. The statement was immediately followed by the announcement of multimillion jobs investment programmes and lavish new recreation facilities in the constituencies of several key rural TDs.
(For more aimless speculation on new government, see inside pages 5-30)
INDEPENDENT ALLIANCE REVEAL NEW IMAGE
St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”
By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass
Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land.
“All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on St. Patrick’s Day,” reassured one fracturologist completing the back nine yesterday.
Across the capital, Dublin hospital administrators say, “every ambulance is carrying a full tank of petrol, tyres have been checked over, and all leave cancelled for the day when we honour the man who delivered us from paganism and mindless savagery.”
Meantime, police have urged revellers to behave appropriately on the day. “We’d ask people to desist from shooting, knifing, mugging or even selling drugs,” said a senior garda. “Keep it down to discreet urination and vomiting for God’s sake.”
Parochial party guests call for tolerance
Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities.
“Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged by that organisation’s behaviour now or in the past. Behind it all, he is just an ordinary, harmless party animal who likes a good time and collecting Nazi stuff. As St. Charlie of the Poppies tells us in the Book of Rehab, ‘Let him without sin be the first to get stoned.’”
TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS
US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States.
Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan – we’re gonna get the guys we’re deporting to build it on their way home. It will cost very little; we’ll just continue the exploitation they’ve already experienced in our great country. We’ll leave a rope ladder on the other side so they can climb down safely. Problem solved.”
Meanwhile, Trump has gone back on previous threats to close the Doonbeg resort and says he now plans to develop Ireland into one giant golf course. Speaking during an interview in the US, the mogul said, “Yeah, I think make the place into one big resort and let my kids have fun with it.”
With Ireland currently without a government, no spokesman was available for comment, although a source close to Fine Gael said, “Any inward investment is to be welcomed.”
Twink in burglary crisis
Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell at the moment.
The softly spoken actress is outraged that there is no extra publicity available just as she becomes the face of a new house alarm company.
“The f****g gobshites,” she commented. “Right when I need a few stories in the Sindo, they don’t bother their holes. It’s disgusting. I’ve been letting the dogs run out on the street and everything, just to see if someone will snatch them up for a while. Do you think they’d oblige? Of course they wouldn’t!”
Twink said she intends to keep a low-profile over the next few months, planning only 25 newspaper interviews, 18 photos-shoots and 12 television appearances. She made the announcement yesterday at a press conference attended by scores of photographers and showbiz hacks.
Irish rugby on a knife-edge
As Ireland prepare for crucial matches against Italy and Scotland, this handy all-purpose commentary piece gives readers the chance to adapt to all eventualities by simply deleting as applicable…
Rugby fans throughout the country have only one word to describe the heroic/abysmal performance of the Irish lads on Saturday: Brilliant/Shambolic. Coach Joe Schmidt should hold his head high/in shame following this latest victory/defeat.
Robbie Henshaw was world class/nowhere to be seen while Rory Best was man of the match/at his worst. For most of the game, Jonny Sexton was leading by example/stumbling around concussed. As for Keith Earls, he should be given the praise he truly deserves/shot on sight.
No wonder jubilant/angry supporters cheered/booed non-stop as Ireland did them proud/crashed out after yet another gallant/disastrous performance. What a team/shower!
SLAB’S PRISON DIARY
MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The bastard. I’ve never been treated like this in all my born days.
TUES: Some of the prison officers (screws) keep checking that I have everything I want. One of them had the nerve to ask for an autograph. He even made a few cheap cracks about taking good care of my bomber jacket. I have his name. The governor invited me to his office for tea and asked about what books I wanted in the cell. Personally, I couldn’t care less so long as I can cook them.
WED: It’s only when you are languishing in a dark hellhole with fellow inmates (jailbirds) watching Netflix that you remember all the little things you once took for granted, like having extensive underground oil storage tanks or the odd €850,000 in spare cash lying around the hay-barn. Happy times.