Category: Craic & Codology

THERESA MAY LAYS DOWN HER BREXIT POLICY

AS WE increasingly set into motion the UK’s strategy for leaving the European Union it is important to stress that Britain is not leaving Europe, just the Union bit of it. And let me categorically state that in disengaging from the commercial, cultural and legal... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

11 POINTS ON IRELAND FROM BRITISH PM’S SPEECH

There will be no hard border between the Republic and the North unless there is Lads who don’t make it into England squads can still declare for Ireland RTÉ to continue to imitate BBC ideas for light entertainment shows Bob Geldof can go home any... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

An Apology

By Kevin ‘Kevo’ O’Sullivan IN COMMON with other newspapers, we may unwittingly have given the impression that by electing Arlene Foster as leader, the DUP had shown itself to be enlightened and forward-looking. For a short period last year, it seemed that the party had... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Saint Martin retires

St Martin de McGuinness I.R.A. is the Prior of Provisional Sinn Féin. He was beatified by Pope Gerry of Adame some years ago and canonised by the media in 2017. He is a patron of barbers, innkeepers, public health workers, unemployed shirt makers, freedom fighters,... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CLINTON: TRUMP PRESIDENCY A FLUID SITUATION

DEFEATED US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has urged her supporters to get behind the presidency of Donald Trump. SPEAKING to reporters in New York, Mrs Clinton said: “The American people have made their bed and I hate to think they would look upon me as... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TRUMP’S PLAN TO SAVE THE WORLD REVEALED

I run for the presidency ✔ I win the Republican or Democrat nomination I don’t care which ✔ I win the contest bigly ✔ Everyone hates me ✔ They hate me so much they start to bury their differences ✔ The whole world unites to get rid of me before... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

DONALD TRUMP’S OATH OF OFFICE

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute political opponents, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend my business interests, reality TV career and Vlad Putin’s geopolitical ambitions.” Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Fears that Simon Harris may spread

THE public was bracing itself last night for further outbreaks of Simon Harris as the current crisis in the health service worsened. Fears heightened as thousands more people complained of headaches, nausea and a chill down the spine after catching the minister on TV and... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Cancer campaign goes up in smoke

HEALTH KICK: This man says he’s down to 500 fags at the same time thanks to the Irish Cancer Society’s brilliant new ad campaign IN A shock development, tens of thousands of Irish people have taken up smoking after a TV advertisement campaign by the... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Taoiseach has ‘no plans to be a Guardiola’

TAOISEACH Enda Kenny says he has “no plans at present” to follow Manchester City gaffer Pep Guardiola’s announcement that his retirement has “already started”. The gaffer made his announcement after a run of poor performances, particularly on homelessness and the health service. But the sport... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

ALL-PURPOSE NEW YEAR HEALTH SCARE FILLER

by Our Health Scare Staff, Phil Ward NOW THAT 2017 is here, it’s time to take stock of our national obsession with food. As we start into another year, recent statistics clearly show that Irish teenagers are now becoming dangerously overweight/undernourished. Because of our increasingly... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

How they compare

GUARDIOLA KENNY Managed Messi Managed messers In control of the opposition Opposition in control Looks after millionaires in blue shirts Looks after Blueshirts and millionaires Hails Claudio Bravo between the sticks Hails from the shticks

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

2017 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Under the current arrangement, our party is effectively standing at the very edge of the cliff. That is why I resolve to stand very close behind our current Taoiseach Enda Kenny for as long as it takes. Leo Varadkar       We need far... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

‘Oireachtas chemsex orgies out of control’

POWER IS A DRUG: And Alan Kelly is the reason they call it dope By Our Medical Staff CONCERN is growing among medical professionals about the proliferation of chemsex orgies around the country. In particular, a building on Kildare Street has become notorious for its... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

‘Irish Times’ explains that Nick Pell explainer

By Kevin ‘Kev’ O’Sullivan ONE REALLY is rather taken aback by the fuss created by our publishing that somewhat colourful piece by Mr Pell. The reason we felt compelled to print the article was to awaken our otherwise intelligent and informed readers to the rather... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

AMY HUBERMAN NOT AT PR EVENT SHOCK

NO-SHOW: Sources have revealed that Huberman was off being unfeasibly successful and well dressed at another event LEADING Irish celebrity Amy Huberman surprised onlookers at an event yesterday when she failed to make an appearance or be photographed for the newspapers. The multi-talented actress and... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Glossary of Irish Times terms

Everything you need to know about this massively controversial movement populated by fringe lunatics Mullally — Long-winded opinion columnist who loves sound of own voice O’Toole — Older version of a Mullally Dead weight — Cliff Taylor think-piece Paleocon — Letters page correspondent Total con... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

BIG SAM’S ROYAL PAIN

PALACE INTRIGUE: Over the years, Big Sam has developed a reputation as a stickler for nutrition and conditioning DISGRACED former Limerick FC manager Sam Allardyce has t faken up a new role as manager at Buckingham Palace! (Surely Crystal Palace? – Ed) Allardyce will be... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Obama rows back on mantra

NOD AND WINK: Did Obama have his fingers crossed when he said Yes We Can? BARACK OBAMA is set to scrap his pre-2008 election slogan Yes We Can for the less catchy No We Couldn’t as his presidency ends. He rose to power aided by... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Brilliant Buckley presents “progressive pension plan”

GENEROUS: This INM executive expressed delight at the board’s warm and humane treatment of staff by the Entire Indo Staff CHAIRMAN of the board of INM Leslie Buckley has assured employees that senior management will do its utmost to resolve the pensions dispute as soon... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

The Bert is back!

WE ALL BERTIED: Ahern, pictured here in a cupboard, will be remembered as one of our most dignified statesmen THE world of politics has been rocked to its foundations by the news that Bertie Ahern, who did himself and the Fianna Fail party (But particularly... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

EARLY MEMORIES OF SANTA CLAUS

Roy Keane: “My earliest memory of Christmas was seeing this guy in the United colours in a Cork shop and knowing straight away that he was completely overweight. But what really annoyed the hole off me was that he didn’t seem to care and was... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NewsTalk Christmas highlights

Business Breakfast Ace reporter Paul Williams eases listeners into Christmas with a hard-hitting investigation into the scumbag TDs who are hell-bent on destroying the good name of Ireland’s greatest entrepreneur, Denis O’Brien. High Ruin The inimitable George Hook talks to high-flying Communicorp’s Lucy Gaffney and... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

A message from the ISPCP (Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to politicians)

At Christmas it is all too easy for feelings of kindness and sentimentality to dictate our actions. That is why we must think very carefully about the long-term consequences of showing compassion. So if you feel sorry for the Labour Party and choose to bring... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

That Áras Christmas Dinner

Brown Tongue Soup Havana Fritters with Potatoes (Half-Baked in their Dinner-Jackets) Red Snapper à la Castro –O– Junket Toadie-In-The-Hole Creeps Suzettes –O– Waffle with Syrup Pizza In Our Time with Leftovers, Cuban cigars –O– All washed up with Vintage Champagne in the Áras Selection of... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

O’BRIEN MOVES TO DENY SANTA ACCESS TO HOME

Dear Mr. Claus, I write in reference to the matter previously brought to your attention in which I sought total reassurance from you regarding an alleged plot to invade my personal space via my chimney on the night of December 24th next. I find it... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

New Year Predictions

Donald Trump America’s going back to work in 2017. Believe me. You won’t recognize the White House. Right? Profit-making enterprise, OK? Proper high-rise – at last 96-storeys. Roof-top casino on upper deck. Classy looking bar staff. Cleavage. The works. Let’s face it, Europe is finished.... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

This Week: ‘Denis’ Male name. Origin: France. Pronounciation: Deni’. Deriving from the Greek Dionysius meaning “follower of Dionysos.” (a Greek god). Caring, Sensitive and Artistic. Natural intelligence and humble demeanor. Loyal and trusting. Found to be charming and handsome by many. Cherished by family and... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

UPDATED SPORTING TERMS FOR 2017

Playing the man on — Not enough women on the board Breaking ball — Not enough women on the board Last man back — Not enough women on the board Taking the man out — Not enough women on the board Target man — Not... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RTÉ HOLIDAY MOVIES

A Christmas Carol Perennial Dickens favourite, featuring Paschal “Scrooge” Donohoe as the miser who is determined to claw his way to the top. Co-starring Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar as the ghosts of political humbug. The Adams Family Comic horror classic featuring the country’s most... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MOURINHO’S (IRISH) LEXICON OF FOOTBALL

Playing field: Uneven surface faced by taxpayers in Ireland Flags: Something the regulator has been known to ignore Goal: To save as much taxes as possible of course Referee: Man with Irish accent who never blows the whistle Net: Big profits left after playing the... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

No wuff justice for dog thieves

PAWS FOR THOUGHT: Clares Rocket pictured after her ordeal THE GREYHOUND at the centre of the dognapping case in Limerick is not cooperating with gardai, according to sources. Clares Rocket was stolen from its trainers’ kennel and held hostage for two days before being recovered.... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Enda’s salute to ‘idol’ Castro

HAVANA LAUGH: Despite being in power for a similar length of time, Enda Kenny has never really achieved Castro’s level of popularity By Our Foreign Affairs Staff TAOISEACH Endless Kenny has paid tribute to the late Cuban president Fidel Castro, saying he felt a kinship... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Creature Care

This week animal behaviourist Richard Boyd-Barrett tells you how to stop your dog from making a mutt of himself Man’s best friend likes nothing more than to be patted on the head and told what a good boy he is. Alas, this yearning for favour... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Martin clarifies Fianna Fáil policy on water charges for coming week

I CANNOT understand why people think we are not being consistently consistent in our forward approach to retreating from bringing forward the issue of water charges, which are now almost behind us, going forward. I have repeatedly sat down and explained where I stand on... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

APOLOGY President-Elect Donald Trump

Over recent weeks (and years), we may have conveyed the impression that billionaire and Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was in some way an unhinged xenophobic pervert and bully. Headlines, such as “Deranged Racist Clown”, “Misogynist Megalomaniac Moron” and “Crooked President-erect” may also have suggested... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber