“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman
Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)
A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence.
Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the documents was all a big mistake.
“This is clearly the result of an administrative error,” said Dodgy, speaking from his South American mansion. “I have a longstanding reputation as a generous philanthropist and pillar of the community, and any suggestion I was trying to save a fortune in tax is absolutely outrageous – I’ve never heard such a preposterous allegation in my entire life.”
Asked about documents showing him to be partnered in an offshore company with Colombian arms dealer Miguel ‘Psycho’ Sanchez, Dodgy said the arrangement was totally above board.
New Adams uproar
Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event.
Soon after the Louth TD landed in the States last week, an explosive situation shook the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the White House. Several presumptions were blown apart in the massive surge of protocol with the shockwaves felt as far away as Dublin. The TD himself is said to have suffered a bruised ego, with some witnesses claiming to have seen smoke pouring from his ears.
“They definitely had prior knowledge of what was planned. As far as we’re concerned it was their own fault that they got caught in the blast of bad publicity!”, insisted a defiant spokesman last night.
Carruthers set for shock call-up!
MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham.
The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own in any company.”
However it is the young midfielder’s attitude under pressure that left the Ireland gaffer most impressed. “I liked the way he was able to find space and the way he passed was sublime”, says the manager. “And I think he would enhance the dressing room. He is the optimistic type. For Samir the glass is always half full. Yes, definitely one to watch out for.”
“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists
by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail
As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties.
“Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people who will guarantee me a junior ministry,” the Dublin South TD told reporters. “As far as I’m concerned, there’s really no difference at all between Enda Kenny and Micheál Martin – except that I expect one of them to offer me a great big office plus generous expenses, the odd helicopter ride and perks galore, including paid lackeys to fetch my caffè mocha every half hour.”
Arriving in Leinster House yesterday, Mr Ross maintained that an agreed minority government could work effectively over the next four or five years. “Because it will rely entirely on my support, it could be a win-win situation,” he said. “I win – and then I win again with all this extra publicity.”
In Memory of Paul Daniels
Farewell then, Paul Daniels
I half liked your deception
But not a lot
As you used to say
But this is an exception
So well done, fair play
No smoke and mirrors
as once feared
This time you really have
24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients spend on trolleys in Irish hospitals before getting a bed
Under Siege 2: Coverage of GAA National Football League
Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin
Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree in the steaming landscape, where chameleons, sloths, snakes in the grass and lots of other slimy creatures abound.
Environment changes means the two species may need to converge to interbreed to avoid being swamped but so far they have failed to do the necessary.
“Sadly they are behaving as everyone expected, with lots of posturing and grunting and of course plenty of nit-picking and finger pointing”, says one monkeyologist, “but unless we see the leaders scratching each other’s backs and one brown nosing the other’s backside, then this will fizzle out. I feel one of them may team up with a bunch of independent minded baboons instead.”
TAOISEACH EMERGES FROM LATEST ROUND OF GOVERNMENT NEGOTIATIONS
Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell
It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and this is what I have to put up with.
Well, no longer. I will continue to churn out guest columns in the Sindo until I have reversed this unacceptable social trend. We are all entitled to wear what we like when we guest on Ireland’s top weeknight programme, with its unique mix of sparkling guests, lifestyle segments and topical discussion.
Too many social judgements are passed on people who just want to discuss international humanitarian crises in a bit of style.
So come on Ireland – let’s sort this out!
VULTURE FUND GUIDE
Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour
POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe.
While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law.
Without the new law a major loophole could be exploited that would see two former members of Boyzone and Westlife join forces to form a ‘supergroup’ that would subsequently tour the country.
Faced with the possibility of hundreds of people seeing Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy on stage together trying to sing, the squabbling politicians have come to a consensus.
“This was a close call,” said one TD. “Luckily, amidst all the petty rowing, we were able to come together to introduce this bill which will outlaw any members of Boyzone or Westlife ever stepping foot on a stage again. The consequences of young people actually witnessing such a spectacle could send the country back years.”
Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue.
A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains.
A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have developed a software programme that can manage to stop AND go forward. Passengers will have to get used to the robotic drivers not grunting at them. We also cannot guarantee that the machine will drive into as many cars as our experienced human beings do.”
Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries
Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged!
Caller: Too feckin’ right I have!
JD: Do you know who did it to you?
Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths!
JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with…
Caller: Everything. They all work for a national broadcasting company and mug licence payers like me with massive salaries…
JD: Ah, stop…
Caller: Everyone knows them…
JD: Don’t go naming names now…
Caller: Tubridy, Finucane, O’Rourke, yoursel…
JD: Stop that now! I warned ya about naming names! That’s not on… we’ll take a break…
THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE
On Podium outside GPO
(Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks)
President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys
1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon
Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat
2nd Broken-down Ambulance Fleet
Ms Lucy Creighton, Mr Alan Shattered and 30 ashen-faced ex-Labour TDs
1st Mobile Toilet
James Collins, Samir Carruthers and 1 dozen foaming pint glasses
2nd Rate RTÉ Float
Mr Ryan ‘Tubs’ waving his annual pay-check of €495,000
3rd Open-Top Bus
Mr Conor McGregor still fuming over Las Vegas loss to Mr Nate Diaz
4th Open Stretch Coffin
Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another
(Note: Ten-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession.)
(That’s enough Parade – Ed.)
Should Enda Kenny get involved in politics?
THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government.
“While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member of Fine Gael, “it’s obvious that he simply isn’t cut out for politics and is completely unsuited to taking on the task of forming any kind of government.”
Mr Kenny had earlier visited Leinster House where he repeatedly asked TDs of all parties to join him in forming a new administration.
“It’s getting so embarrassing at this stage that Enda would be well advised to leave complex matters, such as taking over the leadership, to someone who is much more multi-talented – like myself,” admitted health minister Vlad Varadkar. “And on top of everything else, even his friends hate him.”
Danny Healy Rae playlist
- Smells Like Irish Water Money
- Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water)
- Uptown Pipe Repairs
- He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)
Rising celebrations celebrated
Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities
As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.)
Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster a firework between them, let alone a weekend of throat-rattling speeches, emotional re-enactments and spectacular bar extensions (3 am in a some places over the weekend! – Ed)
How gratified they would be, 100 years later, to see even the hundreds of homeless families and the many victims of crime, led by a temporary government with the full blessing of Germany, celebrate the dream they made possible by their blood, that flowed through the streets of the capital… (Ok, that’ll do – Ed).
It is amazing to think about who we now are as a people, as we stand at the dawn of the precipice of a new Ireland… (get on it with it – Ed.) They would never have believed that every town hall in most of the 32 counties would avail of borrowed EU funding to… (Why do you always have to spoil everything?! You’re fired! – Ed.)
FIANNA FAIL UPDATE
FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”.
The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are adamant they are the best party to lead the new Dail in the absence of a clear and obvious Fine Gael plan to form a new Government.
“If you look at our record, no-one has more experience of dealing with a situation like we are facing here,” said an FF lackey.
“Rent hikes, a smattering of cranes across the Dublin skyline, Anglo in the news, Fine Gael in freefall. We have loads of advisors, from Biffo to Bertie, on hand to guide us. What could go wrong?”
Meanwhile, FF have denied reports that the cow who attacked Michael Healy Rae is to be offered a ministry in any new government. Speculation had grown that the cow would be approached to head up a new department of rural affairs, but an FF spokesman dismissed the rumours.
“Certainly, the cow showed admirable initiative,” said the spokesman. “It would probably feel at home amongst the other animals in cabinet, but it’s still too early to make that call.”
That updated Student Proclamation
“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have breakfast in bed instead of exams and do fun stuff to help parents become emoji literate. Snapchat and Instagram will be enshrined and that in the whole legal constitution.
“We pledge our lives to futuristic technology like having even smarter iPhones installed inside your actual brain so that you can download music directly to both ears. Also, as soon as this present government are all dead, we should just lower the pension age by like fifty years or even more. Hoodies will then be officially compulsory for everyone under 19 and parents will not be allowed to be boring.
“Also, we hereby proclaim a proper Health Service with cool doctors like on telly who are not totally so old that they’re almost entirely senile and who will just give you whatever you basically need all the time, such as padded adhesive plasters for severe Playstation blisters.
“We therefore pledge to ensure a shared society for all. This means having 24/7 access to home-grown Irish ethical food like quinoa and paranormal yoghurt instead of just takeaways which are fine at weekends, of course.”
New government expected by 2050
A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week.
The latest offering from FG is believed to include a comprehensive programme for rural renewal, including the formation of a new body called the Department of Healy Raes. The wooing of the Independent Alliance has also continued, with the proposal to build statues of several of the party’s TDs in key locations around the country.
However, an FG spokesman has firmly ruled out any participation in “pork barrel politics”. The statement was immediately followed by the announcement of multimillion jobs investment programmes and lavish new recreation facilities in the constituencies of several key rural TDs.
(For more aimless speculation on new government, see inside pages 5-30)
INDEPENDENT ALLIANCE REVEAL NEW IMAGE
St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”
By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass
Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land.
“All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on St. Patrick’s Day,” reassured one fracturologist completing the back nine yesterday.
Across the capital, Dublin hospital administrators say, “every ambulance is carrying a full tank of petrol, tyres have been checked over, and all leave cancelled for the day when we honour the man who delivered us from paganism and mindless savagery.”
Meantime, police have urged revellers to behave appropriately on the day. “We’d ask people to desist from shooting, knifing, mugging or even selling drugs,” said a senior garda. “Keep it down to discreet urination and vomiting for God’s sake.”
Parochial party guests call for tolerance
Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities.
“Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged by that organisation’s behaviour now or in the past. Behind it all, he is just an ordinary, harmless party animal who likes a good time and collecting Nazi stuff. As St. Charlie of the Poppies tells us in the Book of Rehab, ‘Let him without sin be the first to get stoned.’”
TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS
US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States.
Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan – we’re gonna get the guys we’re deporting to build it on their way home. It will cost very little; we’ll just continue the exploitation they’ve already experienced in our great country. We’ll leave a rope ladder on the other side so they can climb down safely. Problem solved.”
Meanwhile, Trump has gone back on previous threats to close the Doonbeg resort and says he now plans to develop Ireland into one giant golf course. Speaking during an interview in the US, the mogul said, “Yeah, I think make the place into one big resort and let my kids have fun with it.”
With Ireland currently without a government, no spokesman was available for comment, although a source close to Fine Gael said, “Any inward investment is to be welcomed.”
Twink in burglary crisis
Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell at the moment.
The softly spoken actress is outraged that there is no extra publicity available just as she becomes the face of a new house alarm company.
“The f****g gobshites,” she commented. “Right when I need a few stories in the Sindo, they don’t bother their holes. It’s disgusting. I’ve been letting the dogs run out on the street and everything, just to see if someone will snatch them up for a while. Do you think they’d oblige? Of course they wouldn’t!”
Twink said she intends to keep a low-profile over the next few months, planning only 25 newspaper interviews, 18 photos-shoots and 12 television appearances. She made the announcement yesterday at a press conference attended by scores of photographers and showbiz hacks.
Irish rugby on a knife-edge
As Ireland prepare for crucial matches against Italy and Scotland, this handy all-purpose commentary piece gives readers the chance to adapt to all eventualities by simply deleting as applicable…
Rugby fans throughout the country have only one word to describe the heroic/abysmal performance of the Irish lads on Saturday: Brilliant/Shambolic. Coach Joe Schmidt should hold his head high/in shame following this latest victory/defeat.
Robbie Henshaw was world class/nowhere to be seen while Rory Best was man of the match/at his worst. For most of the game, Jonny Sexton was leading by example/stumbling around concussed. As for Keith Earls, he should be given the praise he truly deserves/shot on sight.
No wonder jubilant/angry supporters cheered/booed non-stop as Ireland did them proud/crashed out after yet another gallant/disastrous performance. What a team/shower!
SLAB’S PRISON DIARY
MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The bastard. I’ve never been treated like this in all my born days.
TUES: Some of the prison officers (screws) keep checking that I have everything I want. One of them had the nerve to ask for an autograph. He even made a few cheap cracks about taking good care of my bomber jacket. I have his name. The governor invited me to his office for tea and asked about what books I wanted in the cell. Personally, I couldn’t care less so long as I can cook them.
WED: It’s only when you are languishing in a dark hellhole with fellow inmates (jailbirds) watching Netflix that you remember all the little things you once took for granted, like having extensive underground oil storage tanks or the odd €850,000 in spare cash lying around the hay-barn. Happy times.
Renua “to regroup”
IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”.
Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband, Senator Paul Bradford) that it was now time to take stock and reflect on Renua’s long-term future: “It is important that we continue to focus on what we do best – losing.”
Ms Creighton also rejected suggestions that the party had made little impact on Irish political life. “On the contrary, we have finally answered the so-called experts who accused us of being completely useless,” she told reporters, “by showing them that we are extraordinarily good at being beaten and humiliated.”
Lucy also insisted that she did not interpret the latest results as an embarrassing one-off defeat, saying, “We fully intend to regroup – just as soon as Eddie Hobbs is released back into the community – so in fact this marks the start of a great new era of Renua obscurity.”
SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST
- Money’s Too Tight To Mention
- I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt)
- All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro
- Money (That’s What I Want)
- All Out Of Love – And Cash
- Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den
State funeral for Labour party
by Our Political Staff Phil Graves
It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which were warmly welcomed as an appropriate tribute to the late party.
In paying their last respects to the once powerful political movement, they were joined by 30 ashen-faced TDs who had just lost their seats in the recent general election. Labour had been suffering badly since earlier council elections, but last month’s results proved fatal.
What Mourners Will See
- The seven surviving TDs will lie in a state on the Leinster House back benches.
- Members of the public will file past solemnly shaking their fists and shouting: “Serves you bastards right for breaking your promises!”
- Outgoing Party Leader Joan Burton will lead cortege to the accompaniment of traditional lament, It’s Over (R. Orbison).
- Deputy Leader Alan Kelly will ceremonially scatter Joan’s leadership ashes and immediately replace her without further ado.
- Everyone will then relocate to nearest hotel for modest refreshments (cold shoulder of ham, hard cheese, just desserts, etc.).
Irish Water latest
Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe.
“Things were tipping along fine up to the election, so we’re going to more or less leave things as they were,” said one FF participant. “The Blueshirts can carry on paying, our crowd won’t join them for five years, and the lefty Commies are off the hook as long as they contribute to the economy by organising mass protests across the country every two months. ”
Asked whether Labour party supporters were part of the agreement, the spokesman looked puzzled. “What supporters?” he asked.
Is there too much endless speculation about the government?
by All Hacks
ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor.
Whether or not I can come up with a new angle, of course, is the real question. This latest post-election period is truly unprecedented and leaves the country’s political future completely adrift in unchartered territory. So what will be the final act in this never-ending drama?
Over the past week, I have repeatedly written about the smaller groupings and Independents who may or may not agree to support one of the two big parties. In-depth profiles of all the main players have been carefully copied from Wikipedia and reprinted verbatim.
In yesterday’s lengthy article, I considered the history of previous Coalitions and addressed the subject of gene-pool clichés – something that is certain to be a vital cog in this political jigsaw.
Yet another intriguing possibility is that I have no idea whatsoever about the make-up of the new Coalition any more than the next hack. However, this is highly unlikely to stop me from… (You’re fired. Ed.)
McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION
UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government, but the controversial star has said there is no substance to the reports.
“Despite this loss, I am still in better shape than Fine Gael,” said a defiant McGregor in a lengthy Instagram post. “Taking over a weakened party and leading a ramshackle coalition is beneath me. Thank you all to the true support and f**k the hate that came out of the woodwork. I love it all. It’s still steak for breakfast.”
An FG spokesman conceded that McGregor’s abrasive style would make EU negotiations “difficult”, but insisted they were still hopeful of luring the fighter into the world of Irish politics. “He has signalled his intentioned to go back down to featherweight,” said the spokesman, “so he’d be right at home in the new Dáil.”
By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams
Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had earlier been seen walking the streets of the country and annoying everyone by knocking on doors.
Observers say the gang were eventually “sent packing”, with their leader – named Joan – reportedly “fighting for survival.” Many who witnessed the trouncing say they are “very worried” about the outcome. “There is always a danger that they will regroup and come back,” said a Leitrim shopkeeper. “I’m still keeping my door locked.”
Similarly, an unemployed man uninstalling a water meter in Wexford feared that, “with seven of them still hanging around, they could return someday. Look what happened when a few Fianna Fáilers were spared! God knows what horrors lie ahead of us!”
YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS
Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.
Securing a seat in Mayo, Chambers campaigned for a fairer share of recovery for the west, as well as a fairer share of TDs for Fianna Fáil. Key policies include increased support for the self-employed and getting FF back into power as quickly as possible.
Dynamic left-of-right politician who was elected for FF in Dublin Bay South. Electrified the campaign with radical views on major issues such as littering and traffic light provision.
DANNY HEALY RAE
With Danny joining his brother Michael as a deputy, the plan is now to get the entire extended Healy Rae family elected by 2030. Danny has expressed an ambition to eliminate both unemployment and the Dublin media in the lifetime of the next Dáil.
Energetic young politician who is both pro-life and pro-advancing his career. Caused shockwaves with his views on coalition with Fine Gael, saying, “It may happen… But then again it may not.”
That proposed FG-FF programme for government
As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest.
This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating growth and maintaining stability. Our radical Programme for Government will include sweeping and far-reaching clichés that will affirm both parties’ positions in the radical centre-ground.
1 Prioritise gimmicky improvements in public services
2 Additional jobs, houses, stealth taxes, hospital trolleys, etc.
3 Cuts to any policies we can’t agree on
4 Establish in-depth five-year review of Irish Water
5 Maintain strong EU links (and do whatever Angela says)
6 Ensure that the Shinners are kept out of government
7 Hold on to power no matter what
8 That’s about it
PBP react to Labour election result
Rotating Taoiseach mooted
By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat
As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen.
“Martin and Kenny will get half-an-hour each before someone else takes over,” says a source close to the discussions. “Lots of people deserve a go and we’ve had interest from all over the world – other people who may take office at some point include Axl Rose, Liam Gallagher and the Irish wrestler Sheamus.”
Meanwhile, Enda Kenny is keeping his options open with regard to forming the next government. Among those he has approached thus far for exploratory talks are the Independent Alliance, numerous smaller parties, a Star Wars fanclub and two blokes he met out walking yesterday. “We’ll talk to absolutely anyone,” confirmed an FG spokesman. “But no way are we desperate. Incidentally, do you know anyone who might give us an extra vote?”
THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS
- Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork
- All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives
- Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle
- Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber
- Leave our shoes in the hallway after you’ve finished the polishing, Baldy
- Two sugars and easy on the milk Leo…
SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER
JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far.
He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m 110% fine. My memory is perfect. The knocks I took recently against Mozambique and the Newbridge BaaBaas were minor.
“I have passed all the return-to-play protocols and look forward to the match against Bohemians in Dalymount on Saturday. I have the full backing of our coach, Eddie O’Sullivan, and I am up for the battle with Ronan O’Gara for the number 10 shirt.”
THOSE ELECTION OSCARS
Best Make-up Artist
Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going
Best Female Supporting Role
Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8%
The Revenant Award
Michael Ring for his performance in the wilds of Mayo after being mauled by a small dog
Best Male Actor
Micheál Martin for his TV debate performance in Mad Mike: Fury Road after being repeatedly mauled by Grizzly Adams
Michael Healy Rae
Special Foreign Language Performance
Co-winners Michael and Danny Healy-Rae in Rant-Man
The Claire Byrne Award
Claire Byrne in Phwoaar and Peace for her contribution to looking good on television