Gangs unveil shooting schedule
A gang member pictured in Dublin city centre yesterday
By Gall Williams
The gangs at the centre of the feud in Dublin have revealed details of their shooting schedule for the coming weeks. In an unprecedented move, details of the planned shootings have been released in order to prevent the public and the authorities being inconvenienced.
However, An Garda Síochána have stated that despite the advance warnings, they may still not be on hand to prevent the crimes. According to a spokesman, “While it is considerate of the gangs to give us the advance information, cutbacks in the force may hinder us in stopping these shootings. Also, several of our lads have requested the days off in order to attend vital GAA championship matches.”
According to the schedules, gang members are planning to make the usual getaways after the shootings. In keeping with standard practice, all vehicles will be set alight and the participants will then board a flight to Spain using fake passports.
IN TOMORROW’S ELECTION SPECIAL
64-page Election 2016 Round-Up
- Fionnan Sheen: Why is there so much about the multi-talented Independent candidate Averil Power in the papers?
- Henry McGoo asks why the Green Party manifesto is full of ridiculous claims about oil not lasting forever.
- Heidi Grossburger: What Renua’s Lucy Creighton can learn from America’s tough-talking political whirlwind, Sarah Palin.
- Fintan Tool on why Fine Gael are finished and have run out of ideas. The party is over. They are completely finished. They are out of ideas.
- FREE Cut-Out-‘n’-Keep Full-Colour Election Map highlighting latest boundary changes, key marginals, election jargon and cool graphics.
- PLUS: Those TV debates, poll of polls update, manifestos, charts, fillers, posters, slogans, leaflets, statistics, more fillers, etc. etc.
Comment – Still too early to tell
by Dan O’Whine
The possibility set out in this column eight weeks ago – that I would still be repeating myself in two months’ time – has come to pass. Will the new era of Irish politics resemble more closely Sweden or Italy? It’s still too early to tell.
It appears increasingly inevitable that a second election will be held in short order. However, nothing is yet set in stone. What is certain is that my columns will continue to appear in the Indo and that they will be equally as dull as John Downing’s. In the meantime, thoughts turn to the possible outcomes of another election. There may be some defragmentation of the vote – though it is difficult to say for certain.
One thing’s for sure; it’s all highly unpredictable and the situation remains fluid. We will know soon enough if ungovernability is to be our fate – but only time will tell.
Ireland ‘will resemble The Gobi’, warns Kelly
In his most passionate statement yet against suspending water charges, acting environment minister Alan Kelly has warned that “Ireland is on the road to becoming a vast, arid, uninhabitable dessert populated by wild camels and watched over by vultures feeding on the carcasses of dehydrated householders,” unless the taxation remains.
Visibly emotional that his leadership ambitions may run dry (surely, ‘the nation’s taps’? – Ed), the Labour TD says “political and environmental sabotage will undoubtedly bring a return to Famine-like scenes, with hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women and children desperately fleeing the county in search of a better future. Mark my words, this cataclysmic failure by political leaders will bring us right back to the Groundhog days of the last five years. Er…”
Those CSO figures analysed
• Ireland has the highest waste recycling rate in Europe with 67% of what’s on TV3 being garbage that originated elsewhere and a further 39% coming out of Eamon Dunphy’s mouth yet again.
• There’s one born every minute, with almost two-thirds of the population having paid water bills in the past year.
• Ireland has serious health issues with nearly everyone sick of Enda Kenny, Ray D’Arcy and Joe Brolly.
RTE’s Martina moves out
After a “hastily-convened meeting” RTÉ has decided to confine its foremost political correspondent, Martina Fitzpatrick, to delivering her daily TV news reports from the safety of a darkened street.
This follows a spate of outragous interruptions inside Government Buildings, as Ms Fitzperfectly filed her numerous reports on the ongoing negotiations on the formation of a new government.
Newly elected TD for Effin & Blynden West, Mr Dick Heade, has been identified as one of the offenders. Claiming to be a member of the Language Freedom Movement, Dick Heade claimed that he is entitled to interrupt anybody he wishes. “Sure don’t we do it all the time in the Dail and on Prime Time, ya bollix ya,” he comments.
INTERNATIONAL REACTION TO FF/FG DEAL
Suspended sentences shock!
In a move that will reverberate around the Law Library, another leading judge has entered the suspended sentences controversy. Mr Justice Sharpe-Beak has contended that the law allowing activation of suspended sentences was a key driver for the historic agreement between FF and FG on the formation of the new government.
Up to then a number of specific sentences had been “suspended” by the two main parties. For example: ‘For Jaysus sake, Mihawl, can we not just put the civil war behind us?’; ‘Why don’t we just carve up all the cushy jobs between us today and then get on with screwing the electorate?’; and ‘Hey Simon, what time does the Dáil bar open?’
Justice Beak contends that once the “suspension” on using these sentences was lifted, a new government was formed within hours based on the policies “my unlearned friends” in the negotiating teams pretended they had not already agreed to five weeks ago.
EUROVISION HOPEFUL Nicky Byrne has revealed that he ‘never wanted to sing again after Westlife’ and now his dream has come true.
‘After selling (out) so many records over the years I felt like I couldn’t continue in the entertainment business,’ he said. ‘Luckily for me, this Eurovision thing came up and now I am realising my dream of not singing in front of millions of TV viewers. I’ll just swoon around stage and mime a bit. We hope to get 12 points from the UK but it’s hard to make an impression with the Eastern bloc because they all vote for their neighbours.’
Asked if he was just getting his excuses in early because he realises the song is shit, the 2FM DJ said, ‘There’s no fooling you, is there?’
ALL PURPOSE CONOR MCGREGOR ARTICLE
Pride of Ireland / Ireland’s shame Conor McGregor has given two fingers to / been put in his place by bosses at the UFC.
Having announced his retirement / disappointed his fans, the Crumlin hero / mouthy Dub has shown the MMA promotion up for what they are / how not to conduct business by losing millions / standing up for fighters everywhere, and refusing to dance like a monkey / fulfil contractual obligations worth millions. In a clever marketing ploy / way of backing out of fighting Nate Diaz again, the Notorious continues to make Ireland proud / embarrass the country.. We wish him all the b
VARADKAR LIKES JOHNSON
Smug TD and confused negotiator Leo Varadkar has said he likes “Tory toff Boris Johnson’s way of doing business”.
In an interview with The Oxford University Miner, Leo declared, “I like Johnson. He pretends to care about Brexit when really he’s manoeuvring to be PM. I think this is really admirable. It’s kind of like the way I agreed a deal with those Fianna Fáil lads and then came out in the media against that deal.
“I’m going into the ladies’ hair salon tomorrow to get blonde extensions so I can appear as stupid looking as he is! I’m then off to get personality lessons from Barry Egan of the Sindo. Like my Facebook page”.
POPE’S ‘JOY OF LOVE’ INITIATIVE DISAPPOINTS CATHOLICS
Tens of thousands of Irish Catholics have reacted with disappointment to Pope Francis’s Joy of Love leaflet after it failed to meet their expectations. “I really thought this time he was going to go for it,” shrugged a disconsolate masochistic transvestite brothel owner in Cork. “But he stuck to old ways of thinking. I had hoped to marry three of my clients and the neighbour’s dog but once again my Church has shown how conservative it is! It’s the same old story…”
Similarly in Shannon, a lesbian paedophile awaiting a flight to London for an abortion before divorcing her fifth husband was left crestfallen. “He seemed such an understanding bloke and the title of his leaflet gave me such hope!” she sighed.
Ross to get new cabinet portfolio: “Minister of keeping Shane a Minister”
Ross with his new driver after receiving his Golden Rings of Office
TD and Sindo columnist Shane Ross is said to be taking very seriously the idea of taking on the cabinet Portfolio of “Minister of keeping himself a minister”.
Speaking from his bath in the Merrion Hotel Mr Ross told Country Life magazine, “As a I don’t stand for anything I think I’m an ideal person to keep in a permanent ministerial post no matter who runs the country. With this new portfolio, I can really focus on what I excel at. However I must add I’ll be refusing any S Class Mercedes over two years old and will be vying for a new Mulsanne Bentley.”
Fully loaded Seanad party up the Áras
The Higgins’s – raking it in!
Over 3000 kegs, 10 brass bands, 400 cheerleaders and 84 DJs were shipped into Áras an Uachtaráin, following Alice Mary Higgins’ election to the Seanad.
The Higgins family rocked the party as they celebrated pulling down over €315,000 in salaries from the state plus expenses, plus drivers AND a massive mansion in Phoenix Park.
The president in his speech said, “Now Alice Mary has made it into the Shillings…I mean Seanad, we must all start thinking of cushty numbers for our other children John, Michael and Daniel. Perhaps a couple of ambassadorial roles, followed by some plum jobs in Europe which pay in Swiss Francs.Who knows what the future holds?”
The ZAPPONE Monkey aka The Zapper
WILDLIFE EXTRA – Supreme Opportunists No. 897…
This rare North American primate is a traveller and can be found as far from home as Western Europe. The Zappone makes friends easily with other troops and their leaders.
Once in a tribe, the Zapper will quickly outmanoeuvre her competitors by supporting the leader no matter how stupid his plans may be.
Once elevated, the Zappone tends to take the best fruits on offer. Finally, the Zapper will cross her leader when a stronger troop of monkeys show up and the process is repeated.
A supreme opportunist and one to watch.
More money to go down drain
by Our Environment Staff – Jawn Waters
THE COUNTRY’s largest drain, Irish Water, is now well on course to receive millions of additional euros over the lifetime of the new minority government, according to Taoiseach Enda Kenny.
Speaking in Dáil Éireann yesterday, the Taoiseach reminded TDs that the Drain was uniquely designed so that tax-payers could pour unlimited amounts of money down it, without any of it ever coming back.
“If you look across Europe, I think you’ll find that no other country can rival Ireland when it comes to wasting money on this scale,” said Mr Kenny. “Millions have already been diverted to expensive Drain experts and lobbyists who have been paid a fortune – all of which has depleted public funds.”
In response to questions from Opposition deputies, the Taoiseach said: “As a nation, we can be truly proud of the Irish Water Drain which is currently recognized internationally as a bottomless pit. Indeed, our early forecasts of €100m going through it have already been exceeded – and that’s before any EU fines for not introducing domestic water charges.”
THE IRISH TIMES Classifieds
FAMILY FEUD NOTICES
A northside gang is delighted to announce the torture and subsequent beheading of a close associate of a rival clan. The funeral will take place next Friday at Church of The Holy Ghost followed by tea and cakes and then a hit on one or more of the rival gang sometime after 10pm that night.
KELLY Alan (Portroe, Co Tipperary) – brother of slightly brighter sibling Declan. Last seen as Minister for the Enviornment before going missing on the back benches. We miss you shouting your mouth off and acting the complete prat. We pray that one day you’ll be back in Portroe starting fights outside the Kebab shop.
ITEMS FOR SALE
• Art Collection – 670 Unsold Portraits of Vendor for sale at knock down price! No time wasters. Cash offers only!
Email offers to: email@example.com
DONALD TRUMP ON TARGET
PRINCE – STILL DEAD
Prince and I became lifelong friends nearly 40 years ago and through the years, I have been given a unique insight into what the legendary musician wasn’t really like. Like so many of his worldwide fans, I will never forget seeing something on the internet about the death of this multi-talented Prince formerly known as Artist.
A quick look at Wikipedia confirmed my worst fears that the flamboyant icon had finally gone. Nothing compared to the unbelievable wave of grief at the loss of such a unique singer-songwriter whose genre-defying reputation included an intoxicating mix of musical styles, including R&B, funk, soul, gospel, rock, jazz-fusion, rap, psychedelia, hip-hop (We get the picture – Ed).
But the music lives on and nothing can destroy Prince’s unforgettable album tracks – particularly the classic hits ‘Purple Haze’ and ‘When Doves Sweat’. (That’s enough Prince – Ed.)
EDGE PLAYS THE SISTINE CHAPEL
Man’s face saved
Observers have labelled a desperate attempt to save a man’s face in Dublin as “laughable” , and say the result has left the man in question “looking very sheepish.”
It is understood that the man, known as Enda and believed to be from Mayo, was in a bad way since his face fell shortly after last February’s general election. The face-saving attempt was described as “an extremely complex procedure” and lasted almost two months. “It wasn’t helped by his nose being out joint”, says one participant.
The operation was overseen by Dr.Micheál Martin, Ireland’s top plastic promise and lip service consultant.
“Enda doesn’t look at all like the man he once was,” says one work colleague. “It’s a botch job. You can see he’s been badly stitched up.”
Dublin footballers pay tribute to Prince
- 19-99 – Average Dublin score in upcoming Leinster Championship
- Sign Of The Times (Umpires raising another green flag)
- Let’s Go Crazy (on the score board)
- Kiss (Sam Maguire for the next 10 years)
- U Got The Look (Of a team that’s about to take a beating)
- When Kerrymen Cry (Looking at the Dubs coasting to Sam)
JUST HOW LONG WILL IT ALL LAST?
by Our Political Staff – Phil Page
NOW THAT the long wait is over and the new Fine Gael minority government is finally up and running, there is only one crucial question on every political correspondent’s lips. Just how long will today’s piece on the 32nd Dáil manage to last?
While there is always a chance that it might be over very much sooner than expected, it’s also possible that it could continue indefinitely. Early indications suggest that both the words and paragraphs are unlikely to give up their positions, unless the piece itself suddenly begins to run out of steam.
But it is impossible to know for sure whether or not this latest long-winded filler can be stretched out for another 500 words. Over recent months, our front pages have been successfully filled with countless all-purpose articles speculating about the possible make-up of the new government.
Consequently, there is no good reason why this piece cannot carry on forever – unless, of course, readers become so bored… They then begin to feel extremely drowsy, so their eyelids start closing and…
More Australian warnings about visiting Ireland
Widdevr ya do, don’t git sick in Piddyland or you woan git hoam before Chrimmas! Doan git stuck in the vicious civil woar bitwin thopposing fictions noon as Finny Gel and Finny Foul thet azbin ragin’ like a lunatic peck o’ dingos go fir over 90 yiers! Strewth!
Deylight robbery is a growin’ prollem in Iron so avoid high-risk aries such as pharmacists, pubs, resraunts an’ dockers’ surgeries. In the evint of driving inna Piddy pothole, do not attimpt ter climb ouddavit yourself cobber. Wittle dammlance arrives from the nay boring counny.
Post-pub burger joins err offen flesh points fir conflict. Ill ways lit the garda order before ya to reduce the risk o’ bing arristed whin the foight sterts.
Monstrous prop discovered below surface
By Our Loch Ness Staff
Investigators scouring the murky depths of Ireland’s Labour Party in search of a leader have discovered the prop used to make the scary Fine Gael creature look like it was for real. The prop was often seen nodding its head when the cameras were rolling at a time when the monstrous beast ruled the waves, leading many people to think that it genuinely was Fine Gael.
“It really was a perfect imitation of the monster, right down to its helluva thick neck,” says an expert who admits to having been fooled in the past. “In reality of course, it was no more than a cardboard cut-out of the original Labour Party that was shaped to look like a different creature altogether. Scary or what!”
UFC chiefs have promised to keep the memory of Joao Carvalho alive by staging the “biggest pay-per-view event the sport has ever seen”. The organisation has stated that UFC200 will be a commemorative tribute.
A spokesman said: “We’re going to have a minute of abuse being fired from the crowd at all the participants. A moment’s silence wouldn’t be appropriate. Have no doubt, the event will be tasteful and understated in the best UFC tradition.”
PARTIES REVEAL SHAPE OF NEW GOVERNMENT
The various TDs involved in discussions on the formation of a new government today announced what the shape of that new government will be. “All of the parties to the discussions were totally committed,” insisted a spokesperson. “These were politicians, eager and resolved to reach a sustainable conclusion. The shape of the next government will be based on those values: Politicians; Eager And Resolved, or PEAR. The next government will therefore be PEAR shaped,” he said.
Cameron salutes Ahern
by Our Political Staff
DAVID CAMERON has thanked former Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern for his help in avoiding awkward questions about his financial affairs.
The British PM contacted Mr Ahern shortly after his late father’s name was mentioned in the leaked Panama Papers. Cameron said: “I had been on to Bertie before releasing that statement last week. He said to tell the truth. He told me that if that doesn’t work, I should send out an old secretary to say, I ‘never did nuthin’ wrong’. It can’t fail.”
LSD USERS DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM VOGUE WILLIAMS
LSD enthusiasts have moved to distance themselves from Vogue Williams after the presenter announced plans to take hallucinogenic drugs live on TV as part of a new RTÉ series.
“To be honest, I don’t want to be in anyway associated with Williams or RTÉ 2,” said one user. “I tried looking at one of her shows before and it was a total nightmare. It gave me a blinding headache and my brain was fried.”
RTÉ 2 is known for providing psychedelic experiences, with many viewers reporting psychological effects that include altered thinking, hallucinations and an altered sense of time, with some even saying that certain programmes “seem to last for weeks.” Medical experts recommend that the station is experienced only in a controlled environment under strict supervision.
KEVIN McGEEVER – WHAT LIES BENEATH
WHO WILL SUCCEED MICHAEL O’LEARY?
With the Ryanair boss saying he has a “50/50 chance” of retiring in 2018, speculation is mounting about his possible successor
Has plenty of experience of managing low-cost, no-frills outfit thanks to Euro 2016 campaign, and has been enthusiastic supporter of Ryanair style of customer relations.
The high-flying singer and world saviour would attract safety conscious customers with a programme of in-flight comedy guaranteed to deter terrorist attacks.
Has overseen the flights of tens of thousands of Irish people out of the country over the past five years.
“I’m so ashamed” – admits escort
John Whittingdale Scandal
by Con Dumb
THE sex worker at the centre of the latest Conservative Party scandal has admitted that she was “highly embarrassed” to discover that one of her regular clients was the Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale.
It emerged last night that Honey Trapp had been having a secret six-month relationship with the minister, though she claims not to have known he was a practising politician until confronted by reporters with knowledge of the story.
“I’ve been such a fool that I just feel so stupid for getting involved with the wrong sort of man,” a tearful Ms Trapp told reporters. “He loved role play and indulging his fantasies, particularly one about the Tories being a competent government.
“I really should have guessed that he was a sick politician – particularly since he was mainly into stuff like sado-masochism and inflicting pain on others.”
The Tory party are known for their fixation on kinky activities, including orgies of self-congratulation, mutual back-scratching and prolonged ass-kissing sessions.
SACK THE CAPTIONIST
Those Shutterbug stock clichés
- Look how awfully clever I am
- I don’t like him / her
- Here’s another double entendre
- Irish fashion models; dontcha hate em?
- What about this for a very punny caption?
- The pen is flightier than the sword.
DONAL SKEHAN’S SATURDAY KITCHEN MENU
- Feast of sound bites
- Lashings of waffle
- Load of cod
- Pie in the sky
- Just a trifle boring!
FRESH GARDA DEMANDS
Garda sergeants and inspectors say they are not at all happy with current deployment policies within the force.
“As first responders dealing with the constant threat of radical extremism and international terrorism, the lads need to be equipped with air-to-ground missiles fired by aerial drones and low-yield nuclear weapons,” said
a spokesman yesterday.
Following their annual conference, the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) also threatened to march on the Dáil on the first day of the new government in protest over pay and conditions.
“We intend to bring city centre traffic to a complete standstill,” added the spokesman. “So everything will be exactly as normal.”
AGGRO Demands (in full)
- Some basic guidelines on solving crimes
- End to “good cop” involvement in interrogations
- The usual free passes into Copper Face Jacks
- More John Grisham paperbacks for use during surveillance duties
(That’s enough Garda demands – Ed.)
New AGSI uproar
Hens across the country have reacted angrily to remarks by an unidentified senior garda that the force would be reduced to responding “like headless chickens” in the event of a terrorist attack. Visibly perturbed, a free range Rhode Island Red in Wexford says she is, “sick and tired of having my brood associated with the Gardaí.”
The angry hen said the comparison was “deeply insulting” and had already caused several of her comrades to cease laying, through stress.
“Fair enough both sides work for chicken feed, but I know for a fact that none of us scratching around here would ever be seen pecking at a burger in a patrol car,” she fumed. “Why is it always us that are dragged into comparisons with the Garda Chická… er, Síochána?! I am rearing six young chickens here. They don’t need to hear that stuff!”
Panama Papers – Cameron speaks out
“As you know, I have been widely applauded for releasing details of my tax returns and have now proven beyond doubt that I have nothing at all to worry about as regards my finances. Personally, I feel very lucky to have had a supportive family that taught me to appreciate the important things in life, such as always being polite to the servants and nanny.
“Yes, we were given little birthday presents and regular pocket money from my father, but his investments were all legally above board and British people respect that. I certainly do.
“Sadly, Jeremy Corbyn and other Marxist nerds simply don’t understand global economics. For instance, ordinary upper crust people like Dad inherit lots of cash and then prudently stash it in high-interest tax havens until it’s really needed. They then have much more to spend right here in Britain on quality bubbly and sending their sons to Eton – and that benefits everyone.”
RTÉ REVEAL LIKELY VIEWING FIGURES FOR GENERATION WHAT
AMY SCHUMER and Sacha Baron Cohen have volunteered Bono to go to Syria to fight Isis. Last week the U2 frontman suggested to a US Senate sub-committee that the best way to combat radical Islam is to laugh at them and suggested that the two comedians be sent over to split their sides.
However, Schumer was not as keen. “To hell with that,” she said. “I’m not getting involved. How about Bono gets his ass over there.” Cohen, famous for his Ali G, Borat and Bruno characters, added, “He’s always going on about music being a healer, let him go over there and play No Line On The Horizon and Songs of Innocence, they’d f**k right off. I could see an immediate ceasefire.”
Bono takes on Isis
More pleading letters from Irish children, shock!
In revelations that have surprised commentators on both sides of the Irish Sea, it has emerged that Queen Elizabeth II has replied to thousands of letters from Irish children asking her to take back the 26 counties.
Confirming the news, a spokesman for Buckingham Palace says, “Her Majesty receives hundreds of such letters every day from Irish children eager to right wrongs past and present.
“Of course she cannot intervene, but she always tries to reassure them that someday they will again have a home, with food every day, a functioning transport system and a good health service. Bless.”
1st April 2016
The Queen has asked me to thank you for your recent letter in which you wished to tell Her Majesty that you have been studying the rules of the Irish Labour Party and would like The Queen to arrange a coronation for you as leader.
While it was thoughtful of you to let the Queen know of your ambition I must explain that this is not a matter in which Her Majesty would intervene. As a
constitutional Sovereign, the Queen acts on the advice of her government and
remains strictly non-political at all times.
Her Majesty has asked me to thank you for the picture you drew especially for her, of yourself and your friends Joan and Alan. The Queen agreed with your observation that Joan did look rather sad because of her recent fall in popularity, and also that it might indeed be rather dangerous if Alan continues to carry the AK47 around with him at all times.
Finally I would like to send you and your party my good wishes at this time. (Her Majesty’s friend Mr Cameron, who is currently in Panama, tells me that you need all the support you can get at the moment – and he should know!)
Ms Jenny Devine
Deputy Junk Mail Coordinator
PS. Her Majesty has asked me to advise you that she is a stranger to the term “Haughey-esqe” – although one of her loyal noblemen was once a Squire of that name.