Category: Craic & Codology

CAMPAIGN CARRYING PENCE SKIDS TO A HALT

LOOKING PENCE-IVE: VP hopeful Mike Pence who emerged from the crashed campaign physically unscathed but politically dead in the water REPUBLICAN vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence has emerged unscathed after Donald Trump’s campaign crashed into the grass beside New York’s La Guardia airport. The campaign bandwagon,... Read more »

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McGregor to talk more bol**cks!

Conor McGregor’

FIGHTIN’ WORDS: McGregor dressed up for Halloween as a trade union activist from the 1980s CONOR MCGREGOR has refused to rule out talking a load of bullshit in the build-up to his fight against Eddie Alvarez in New York on November 12. The Dublin mixed... Read more »

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Newsroom panic as garda strike looms

By Our Crime Correspondent, I.M.D Law NEWSROOMS across the nation were in panic mode last night as editors struggled to make contingency plans in advance of Ireland’s unprecedented garda strike. “I’m at my wit’s end!” claimed one veteran news boss. “We have always been able... Read more »

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Sugar Tax is a bitter pill

ANONYMINISTER: No seriously, who is this man? THE Government’s plans to introduce a sugar tax have come under fire from the lunatic fringe (surely “from concerned corporates”? – Ed). “Sugar is a basic human right,” said a man in a pinstripe suit, winding down the... Read more »

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WAKING THE FEMINISTS – STATE FUNDING BOOST

THE NEW lobby group promoting greater representation of women in Irish theatre has been allocated €20,000 in Arts Council funding. “This is a major breakthrough in gender equality,” said an ecstatic Kate Tool, spokesperson for Waking the Feminists. “It will allow our young playwrights to... Read more »

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ENDA’S A BRIT OF A TOOL

IN HIS latest contemplation on Ireland’s post-Brexit border controls, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has appealed to Irish people to “learn to talk more slowly” in the run up to the Tories triggering Article 50. Speaking over a warm ale and packet of pork scratchings in his... Read more »

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Creepy clowns craze confusion

GOING FOR THE JUGGLER: Prominent clown Mary Mitchell O’Connor AS REPORTS of menacing clowns continue, fears have been expressed that the trend is set to hit Ireland over the coming months. “There have already been numerous clown sightings in and around Dublin’s Kildare Street this... Read more »

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Irish writers win Noble prizes

OUTRAGED: Under-appreciated writer (Surely “parasite” – Ed), Tom Boreen-Mann THIS YEAR’s Noble prize for Sour Grapes has been awarded to a gaggle of little-known Irish poets and critics who shared the award for their negative reaction to the Nobel Prize for Literature being awarded to... Read more »

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Putin threatens Aleppo with Samsung bombardment

Vladimir Putin

PUTIN THE WORLD TO RIGHTS: Vladimir pictured shortly after leaving his Samsung charging on his jet IN A FURTHER dire warning to anti-Assad rebels, Russian butch… er, President, Vladimir Putin has threatened to drop Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones on the Syrian city of Aleppo... Read more »

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Paul Williams: RUGBY PLAYERS ARE SCUM!

HOT AIR: Williams’s producer reacts to his latest outburst “I have sources on the inside,” explained Williams. “They are all on drugs but get TUEs off their doctor friends, who also happen to be their fathers. Then they get their lawyers, who are their uncles,... Read more »

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‘TRUMP DID NOT MOLEST ME’

SMALL HANDS ON DECK: The crowd at a Trump rally for female republicans LAURIE-LEE DULL, a retired waitress from the remote town of Deep Throat, Arizona, has sent shock waves across the American political scene after admitting that she was never touched inappropriately by the... Read more »

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Michael O’Leary Breakfast Menu

Union Detox Juice (Freshly squeezed until the pips squeak) Credit Crunchy Nuts, Sugary Puffs, Corny Fakes From the Grill: Rack of Toasted Workers * * * Brown-Nose Bread and Butter-Up-the-Politicians F**k Soup with Public Sector Has-Beans * * * RTÉ-style Infested Rat-atouille Spaghetti Bollocknaise *... Read more »

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Agony Rant – With Mick O’Leary

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist flies into a rage about Budget 2016. Is it any wonder the country is up in arms after being totally f**king shafted yet again, thanks to another bloody budget giveaway by freedom-hating government f**kers fully prepared to dole out f**king... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

This Week – ‘Centre Must Hold’ In the Dáil debate on the budget, both FG and FF politicians continually stressed that the “centre must hold” – an obvious play on one of the lines from a poem by WB Yeats. Not many commented however on... Read more »

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IRELAND’S POST-BREXIT LEXICON

Down in the Louth: Acute feeling of depression caused by an inability to pop across to the neighbours at will. Belfasting: Abstaining from food purchased in a neighbouring jurisdiction due to unfortunate circumstances. Newryotic: State of high anxiety induced by fear of having to spend... Read more »

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NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE: SHORTLIST 2017

Conor McGregor’s Instagram account — “I get fined more than these bums get paid” Dan Carter’s TUE application — “My leg’s sore and we’re in the final” Donald Trump’s debate notes — “We’re gonna kick ISIS’s butt, oh yeah, it’s true” Sinead O’Connor’s note to... Read more »

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Mass confusion as O’Connor wins IFTA

GONG TO THE DOGS: Protesters gather at Montrose to tell RTÉ what they think of O’Connor’s Cutting Edge By Pat Rabbitears – TV Critic RTÉ viewers have questioned the authenticity of the Irish Film and Television Academy (IFTA) awards after broadcaster Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge... Read more »

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MAYO FANS: UP THE CURSE!

KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet... Read more »

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PAUL WILLIAMS: TIMES READERS ARE SCUM!

TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers... Read more »

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NO TORTURE USED IN SEARCH FOR FITZY JURORS

HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former... Read more »

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Water protesters to strike!

ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott.... Read more »

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Garda and nurses unions meet their match

BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place... Read more »

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CITIZENS ASSEMBLY TO REPRESENT ALL KNOWN SECTIONS OF IRISH SOCIETY

8% Catholics 5% Irish Non-Catholics 7% Irish Lesbians 2% Under-25 practising Catholic 3% Non-Irish Catholic lesbians 8% Irish Black Anglican gay sexist 13% Non-Irish Catholic trans-gender hurlers 15% Left-handed gay Irish Asian-born fishermen 5% Convicted Irish homophobic atheists 11% Black-Polish overcharging heterosexual plumbers 9% Over-60’s... Read more »

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BOXERS ARE A BET OF A JOKE

THE Olympic Council of Ireland have been severely reprimanded for failing to instruct the Irish boxing team how betting works. The reprimand comes after boxer Steven Donnelly placed a bet on his opponent to win their bout but then went and won the fight, thus... Read more »

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ADAMS: SPY GUY LIED

TRUSTED SOURCES: Just some of the reliable characters that BBC Spotlight interviewed for their exposé THIS YEAR’S annual ‘Gerry Adams murdered someone’ media bonanza has fizzled out. The Sinn Féin leader laughed off the latest ‘exclusive sensations’ that he was involved in the murder of... Read more »

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Enda: “Blah, Blah, all island discussion, Blah”

FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events by Our Political Staff Martin Wail  TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote. “The new forum... Read more »

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Loyalist group: “BRING BACK MARY BERRY”

HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a... Read more »

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Glove off for US Golfers

US GOLFERS have won the Ryder Cup despite claims that their fans did it for them. The much better American side defeated the off-the-pace Europeans fair and square despite claims to the contrary by Rory McIlroy and Danny Willett. “They can piss and moan all... Read more »

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Big Sam rues chance to fail

SAM ALLARDYCE says that his biggest regret will be not being able to bomb out at a major tournament as England manager. “As a young man I looked up to the likes of Graham Taylor and Steve McClaren,” said Allardyce. “Later I was inspired by... Read more »

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Crime figures soar to record low

RELAXED POLICING: The Garda spa retreat in Templemore where all crime figures are massaged before release to the public by Our Crime Reporter Nick Nobody The GARDA Commissioner, Noírín O’Sullivan has welcomed the latest crime statistics as evidence of an astonishing breakthrough in the continuing war... Read more »

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That dublin theatre festival schedule in full

A Comedy of Errors: Slapstick and farce all the way as two identical parties, separated at the birth of a nation, end up at a later stage trying to agree a government. Fantastic frolic but far too bloody long. The Field: John B Keano’s tense... Read more »

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High-powered nerds to head NAMA probe

EXPERTS: The investigative team will include such brilliant minds as your man. You know your man. Your man that does be on the news sometimes. THE Government has promised a full-scale inquiry, “with bearded economists and everything”, into NAMA’s handling of its Northern Ireland loan... Read more »

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Mayo fans to leave no sheep unpainted

EWE’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING: Michelle Mulherin has expressed deep upset that these painted sheep got tickets for the replay ahead of her MAYO FANS have vowed to leave “no sheep unpainted” in a show of support ahead of the All-Ireland final replay. Many supporters... Read more »

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HICKEY SLAMS GAA TICKET POLICY

pat-hickey-putin

By Ian De Post BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey has joined criticism of the GAA’s practice of supplying All-Ireland tickets to TDs, labelling it “beyond belief” and “like something out of the 1960s”. Speaking outside a police station in Brazil, the veteran sports administrator said... Read more »

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Blueshirt lackey: Mojo is bad Juju

CAR CRASH POLITICS: Pile-up caused when politician was distracted by ‘Mojo A FINE Gael politician has called for a recently released mobile game, Pokomojo, to be banned amid fears that “sooner or later some eejit is going to lead a lot of people over a... Read more »

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‘Don’t panic, there’s another one coming,’ promise unions.

dublin-bus

Unions engaging in strike action at Dublin Bus say commuters who have missed the last few strike actions should “stay calm and wait for the next one”. The current work pattern has left commuters deeply frustrated however. “You wait all your life for a strike... Read more »

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