Category: Craic & Codology

Agony Rant – With Mick O’Leary

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist flies into a rage about Budget 2016. Is it any wonder the country is up in arms after being totally f**king shafted yet again, thanks to another bloody budget giveaway by freedom-hating government f**kers fully prepared to dole out f**king... Read more »

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NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE: SHORTLIST 2017

Conor McGregor’s Instagram account — “I get fined more than these bums get paid” Dan Carter’s TUE application — “My leg’s sore and we’re in the final” Donald Trump’s debate notes — “We’re gonna kick ISIS’s butt, oh yeah, it’s true” Sinead O’Connor’s note to... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

This Week – ‘Centre Must Hold’ In the Dáil debate on the budget, both FG and FF politicians continually stressed that the “centre must hold” – an obvious play on one of the lines from a poem by WB Yeats. Not many commented however on... Read more »

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IRELAND’S POST-BREXIT LEXICON

Down in the Louth: Acute feeling of depression caused by an inability to pop across to the neighbours at will. Belfasting: Abstaining from food purchased in a neighbouring jurisdiction due to unfortunate circumstances. Newryotic: State of high anxiety induced by fear of having to spend... Read more »

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Mass confusion as O’Connor wins IFTA

GONG TO THE DOGS: Protesters gather at Montrose to tell RTÉ what they think of O’Connor’s Cutting Edge By Pat Rabbitears – TV Critic RTÉ viewers have questioned the authenticity of the Irish Film and Television Academy (IFTA) awards after broadcaster Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge... Read more »

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MAYO FANS: UP THE CURSE!

KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet... Read more »

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PAUL WILLIAMS: TIMES READERS ARE SCUM!

TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers... Read more »

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NO TORTURE USED IN SEARCH FOR FITZY JURORS

HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former... Read more »

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Water protesters to strike!

ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott.... Read more »

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Garda and nurses unions meet their match

BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place... Read more »

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CITIZENS ASSEMBLY TO REPRESENT ALL KNOWN SECTIONS OF IRISH SOCIETY

8% Catholics 5% Irish Non-Catholics 7% Irish Lesbians 2% Under-25 practising Catholic 3% Non-Irish Catholic lesbians 8% Irish Black Anglican gay sexist 13% Non-Irish Catholic trans-gender hurlers 15% Left-handed gay Irish Asian-born fishermen 5% Convicted Irish homophobic atheists 11% Black-Polish overcharging heterosexual plumbers 9% Over-60’s... Read more »

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BOXERS ARE A BET OF A JOKE

THE Olympic Council of Ireland have been severely reprimanded for failing to instruct the Irish boxing team how betting works. The reprimand comes after boxer Steven Donnelly placed a bet on his opponent to win their bout but then went and won the fight, thus... Read more »

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ADAMS: SPY GUY LIED

TRUSTED SOURCES: Just some of the reliable characters that BBC Spotlight interviewed for their exposé THIS YEAR’S annual ‘Gerry Adams murdered someone’ media bonanza has fizzled out. The Sinn Féin leader laughed off the latest ‘exclusive sensations’ that he was involved in the murder of... Read more »

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Enda: “Blah, Blah, all island discussion, Blah”

FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events by Our Political Staff Martin Wail  TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote. “The new forum... Read more »

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Loyalist group: “BRING BACK MARY BERRY”

HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a... Read more »

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Glove off for US Golfers

US GOLFERS have won the Ryder Cup despite claims that their fans did it for them. The much better American side defeated the off-the-pace Europeans fair and square despite claims to the contrary by Rory McIlroy and Danny Willett. “They can piss and moan all... Read more »

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Big Sam rues chance to fail

SAM ALLARDYCE says that his biggest regret will be not being able to bomb out at a major tournament as England manager. “As a young man I looked up to the likes of Graham Taylor and Steve McClaren,” said Allardyce. “Later I was inspired by... Read more »

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Crime figures soar to record low

RELAXED POLICING: The Garda spa retreat in Templemore where all crime figures are massaged before release to the public by Our Crime Reporter Nick Nobody The GARDA Commissioner, Noírín O’Sullivan has welcomed the latest crime statistics as evidence of an astonishing breakthrough in the continuing war... Read more »

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That dublin theatre festival schedule in full

A Comedy of Errors: Slapstick and farce all the way as two identical parties, separated at the birth of a nation, end up at a later stage trying to agree a government. Fantastic frolic but far too bloody long. The Field: John B Keano’s tense... Read more »

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High-powered nerds to head NAMA probe

EXPERTS: The investigative team will include such brilliant minds as your man. You know your man. Your man that does be on the news sometimes. THE Government has promised a full-scale inquiry, “with bearded economists and everything”, into NAMA’s handling of its Northern Ireland loan... Read more »

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Mayo fans to leave no sheep unpainted

EWE’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING: Michelle Mulherin has expressed deep upset that these painted sheep got tickets for the replay ahead of her MAYO FANS have vowed to leave “no sheep unpainted” in a show of support ahead of the All-Ireland final replay. Many supporters... Read more »

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HICKEY SLAMS GAA TICKET POLICY

pat-hickey-putin

By Ian De Post BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey has joined criticism of the GAA’s practice of supplying All-Ireland tickets to TDs, labelling it “beyond belief” and “like something out of the 1960s”. Speaking outside a police station in Brazil, the veteran sports administrator said... Read more »

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Blueshirt lackey: Mojo is bad Juju

CAR CRASH POLITICS: Pile-up caused when politician was distracted by ‘Mojo A FINE Gael politician has called for a recently released mobile game, Pokomojo, to be banned amid fears that “sooner or later some eejit is going to lead a lot of people over a... Read more »

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‘Don’t panic, there’s another one coming,’ promise unions.

dublin-bus

Unions engaging in strike action at Dublin Bus say commuters who have missed the last few strike actions should “stay calm and wait for the next one”. The current work pattern has left commuters deeply frustrated however. “You wait all your life for a strike... Read more »

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PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIP COMPETITION WINNERS:

Riding on the Pigs Back – Farmer Mulherin Milking it – Farmer Halligan Running out the Gate – Farmer Donnelly Making Hay While Sun Shines – Farmer Apple Digging a Deeper Hole – Farmer Noonan Reaping What He Sowed – Farmer Hickey (Subject to inquiry)... Read more »

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Goldhawk Book Review

THIS first novel by James Joyce traces the political and intellectual awakening of young “Stephen Donnelly”– an allusion to Daedalus, the consummate “crafty man” of Greek mythology (Surely “craftsman”? – Ed) Joyce paints Stephen as an ambitious and ruthlessly self-seeking politician who questions and rebels against Irish political... Read more »

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PAUL WILLIAMS: LISTENERS ARE SCUM!

BIGGEST FAN: Gangland boss John G–illigan is said to be an avid listener of Williams’s show (Surely “only listener” – Ed) NEWSTALK HOST Paul Williams has branded all the people who don’t listen to his show as “scum”. The crime writer has taken over the... Read more »

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Topical Words

topical-words

Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: “Cook” 1. To subject or be subjected to intense heat: the government cooked under pressure. 2. to generate a controversy; to cook... Read more »

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James Reilly’s vintage car collection

Fine Gael deputy leader James Reilly is selling off his vintage car collection. Here’s a look at what’s on offer: Hogan Road- Hugger GT Sod One of the Big Beasts of the road, this wide-bodied hot rod convertible has been garaged for most of its life.... Read more »

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Those New iPhone 7 features

Fits even more easily down the back of the sofa without you knowing. Works under water up to 500m for 40 minutes or until you drown. Reinforced screen means great new range of games such as hockey, hurling and road bowling can be enjoyed without... Read more »

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CELTIC WENT EASY ON BARCA

TOLERANCE: Celtic fans reach across the sectarian divide with a message of hope and unity CELTIC BOSS Brendan Rodgers has said Barcelona “got off lightly” because they are not Protestants. The Bhoys manager saw his side trash Rangers 5-1 in the Scottish Premiership before going... Read more »

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Five-day Sale of Gentleman’s Effects belonging to Sir Anthony O’Reilly

Lot 1 Cartier diamond-studded ceremonial rugby ball engraved with the O’Reilly Royal Coat of Arms ­Lot 2 Elegant jewel-encrusted serving-bowl ornately etched with legend ‘Beans means Heinz’ Lot 3 Magnificent four-poster bed with reinforced inlaid Wedgwood carved and gilt with decorative female semi-clad Greek Shipping... Read more »

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McGlue sticks to story

STICKY: The couple have been labelled sticky by fans because they can’t stop bleedin’ sticking to each other at matches

STICKY: The couple have been labelled sticky by fans because they can’t stop bleedin’ sticking to each other at matches JOE McGlue, Chief Security Officer at the FAI, has denied that fans were searched entering a recent game, as part of Operation Loctite, to establish... Read more »

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‘CULTURE’ NIGHT – by the numbers

50,000 Irish Chelsea and Liverpool fans celebrate British soccer culture 0 Buses in service as drivers celebrate protest culture 5,000 Litres of vomit on streets of Temple Bar as drinking culture celebrated 2 Fights over All-Ireland tickets as culture of delusional politicians hailed 1,000 Soiled... Read more »

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THAT FINE GAEL REPORT INTO ELECTION FAILURE SHORTFALL

What went wrong not quite right: It rained heavily on the Thursday Enda gave interviews They let their dogs chase us down the street Half the culchies couldn’t understawned where we were coming from Michael Noonan They mistook us for the Labour Party Lunch was... Read more »

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LIMERICK MAN TURNS DOWN JACKPOT BONANZA

ROTTEN TO THE CORP: Finance minister Baldy Noonan pictured here doing his impression of Thing from the Fantastic Four MICK Noonan of the “Govt of Ireland” syndicate – which won 13 billion euros in the Apple “Orchard Thieves” competition – has decided to refuse the... Read more »

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