Category: Craic & Codology

JOAN BURTON’S BODY LANGUAGE

1. Head in clouds
2. Nose the game is up
3. Cheek (plenty of)
4. Brass neck
5. Ears open to overtures from Fine Gael
6. Watching back for leadership challenges
7. Keeping an eye on Brendan Howlin, Alan Kelly etc
8. Two fingers to media critics

APOLOGY – KATIE TAYLOR

In common with all other publications, we may have given the impression that Katie Taylor was an unbeatable athlete whose like had not previously been seen on Earth. Headlines such as “Champ Katie Smashes Opposition”, “Heroic Taylor Continues Winning Streak” and “Katie Taylor Is Unbeatable” may have reinforced this view. However, following Ms Taylor’s historic defeat in the semi finals of the European Olympic qualifiers, we now wish to acknowledge she is an ordinary boxer like any other. This is reflected in our more recent headlines, like “Katie’s Shock Euro Defeat”, “Taylor’s Olympic Dream In Peril” and “Is It All Over For Katie?” We would like to apologise for our error and promise not to repeat it until the next time Taylor wins a big match.

Kenny denies being in denial

Acting Taoiseach Endless Kenny has denied being in denial over the result of the recent general election. “We won,” he announced emphatically. “A woman I met in Castlebar the other day with a ballot box under one arm and Michael Ring in a headlock under the other arm, told me I should keep having general elections until we get the result we want. ‘Sure, isn’t that what they did in those EU referendumdidums?’ she said.”

ALL PURPOSE SEANAD CANDIDATE SPEECH

“I have always been passionate about the upper chamber, ever since I lost my seat in the election. It makes a vital contribution to our democratic process and provides a handy gig for washed up politicians.
“I would implore you to give me your vote as I have plenty to offer in political debate, and I need somewhere to go before I try to become a TD again in the next election. The house has always been home to essential political voices and facilitates important discussion – as well paying an absolute fortune.
“Of course, it is not perfect by any means and we may well need to look at reform – but of course not before I’ve completed my stint as senator and we’ve rebuilt our party.”

KEY ISSUES AGREED

NEW MINORITY GOVERNMENT

Enda Micheál
1 The old Civil War politics to be ended
2 Guarantee of stable government for immediate future
3 Renewed and urgent focus on tackling country’s major problems
4 Partnership approach in the national interest
5 Fine Gael to emerge as biggest party next time
6 We’ll just have to put up with these devious bastards in the short term
1 An end to the old Civil War politics
2 Government will be stable over the years ahead
3 Major problems facing the country to be tackled as a matter of urgency
4 National interest to be served by new partnership approach
5 Next election to see Fianna Fáil as biggest party
6 Meantime, we put up with that shower of scheming Blueshirt bastards

Parties agree framework for further confusion

In a major breakthrough in the current political impasse, parties from all sides last night reached agreement on a programme that will prolong the confusion for several more weeks.
“This document offers a clear path out of the present logjam and into another one,” commented one Independent, who early yesterday offered his definitive support for Enda Kenny as Taoiseach, before later switching to Micheál Martin. “The real problem lies with the two main parties who have failed to offer a detailed breakdown of how a minority government would work. Also, they haven’t been able to meet key demands of ours – for my own part, I want a new international airport, luxury resort and exclusive shopping development built in my constituency and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.”
A Fine Gael spokesman yesterday gave the party’s full backing to more negotiations and general dithering. “That’s the one commitment we can fully guarantee,” he confirmed.

Fine Gael and Fianna Fail join forces to agree on historic new term

By our political correspondent
Dick Shunairy

The country’s two largest political parties yesterday agreed on a historic new term. After three weeks of intensive talks, and following the demise of the term “fiscal space”, the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael negotiating teams have agreed that this new term – “fresh modalities” – should last another few weeks at least, thereby keeping them in the limelight and maintaining their high profiles before the inevitable next election is called.
“We are confident that ‘fresh modalities’ will be acceptable to Miriam O’Callaghan, Claire Byrne and all the mainstream broadcast and print media as the latest buzz words that will sustain our vacuous debate over the coming weeks,” each party announced in a giant statement, signed by Simon Coveney-Ó Cuív.
However not all media commentators were happy. Owen Harass of the Sunday Independent claimed that he had actually coined the term and wasn’t being given any credit for it. “It’s all about me,” he said, “or at least it should be. This is yet another example of the crypto-Workers Party members inside our national broadcaster conspiring with other so-called nationalist republican bedfellows to keep a brave, radical, political commentator like, er, me off the airwaves. And furthermore…” (Contd. pages 9,10,11,12)

Trump supports O’Neill

American Presidential candidate Donald Trump says he “fully endorses” Ireland boss Martin O’Neill’s assertion that only “really attractive” WAGS will be allowed access to his squad’s hotel during Euro 2016 in France.
“It’s about time someone spoke out about women in an open, honest and enlightened way, and this guy O’Neill sounds like a wise and well-educated man,” says the Republican frontrunner. “There’s far too many gals out there with overextended waistlines and at last someone’s had the guts to point it out. I’d like to invite that gaffer to the White House someday but that other guy, Dumpty, has got to be banned from the US. He looks like Hilary Clinton without make-up.”

EUROVISION SHOCK

RTE have confirmed that 2FM boss Dan Healy is to undergo ear surgery “as soon as possible.” The station chief claimed that other radio stations were not playing Nicky Byrne’s Eurovision-bound song ‘Sunlight’ because the singer is a disc jockey with the national broadcaster.
A spokesman said: “Yeah, we don’t think it’s too serious but it’s best to get it checked out. We’re not sure if Dan has actually heard the song properly, to be fair. The claim that Byrne’s day-job is keeping the song off the airwaves? Eh, dubious, at best. It’s probably just an excessive build-up of wax.”

Unprecedented apocalypse if Irish Water abolished

The future for Irish society if Irish Water is abolished

The future for Irish society if Irish Water is abolished

By Cath O’Strophic

Heaven, Hell and the Celtic gods of yore will rain down tongues of fire, unleash giant rats onto the streets and convert the seas to acid if Irish Water is abolished, according to legal opinion supplied to the beleaguered water agency.
“And that’s just day one – expect plague, earthquakes and the dead rising from their graves within a week,” warns a source who has seen the document. The same source insists the gods consider non-payment as, “no minor matter… There could be children eaten alive by hordes of poisonous ants!”
The source angrily denies scaremongering. “Oh no, the gods are already extremely angry and vengeful. You’ll be aware of Fianna Fáil making a comeback…”


 


 

PREMIERSHIP LATEST

MEMBERS OF the UK football media are questioning their very existence after failing to break the spirits of Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp. The German took over at Anfield last October – a whopping six months ago – and is still in good form, even being seen laughing and joking at press conferences.
“It makes you wonder, what’s it all about,” said one Sun reporter. “He should be a nervous wreck by now, like Van Gaal at United. We’ve tried everything we know but he just won’t go down. Even the team are helping our cause by playing shit but it doesn’t seem to bother him. He won’t even lose the rag, it’s very disappointing. I’m thinking of changing careers if this is how it’s going to be.”

NEW OLYMPIC CONTROVERSY

AER LINGUS have revealed the real reason that Arthur Lanigan-O’Keefe was thrown off a domestic flight. The Olympic hopeful, who competes in the modern pentathlon, was removed from a flight on his way to a competition.
The airline said: “We saw the doubled-barrelled name and one of the flight crew got suspicious. We checked out his story and it turns out he participates in fencing. Further checks revealed he wasn’t that good at it, so there was no real threat. But there was always the danger that he could bore some of the passengers to death if started talking to them about modern pentathlon. He had to go.”
Meanwhile, Irish Olympic chiefs are optimistic about our prospects this year. Enthused one official, “We can come 50th in indoor kabbadi.”

Zuma shock

By Joe Hannesburg

Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements to his house.
The property included a luxurious house and gardens, cattle enclosure, amphitheatre, chicken coop, swimming pool, visitor centre and helipad.
Said one Fianna Fáil veteran last night, “For Zuma to be using taxpayers’ money to fund this sort of extravagance is mind-boggling. I thought I was doing well with All-Ireland tickets and the odd trip to Brussels, but this man’s achievement under democratic rule is incredible. Even Charlie would be jealous!”
Agreed an envious Fine Gael TD, “The South Africans are an inspiration to every politician who has ever craved their own chicken coop and helipad. It just goes to prove that democracy works if you believe in yourself.”

Teachers strike warning

by Our Education Staff – Will Phail

Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI).
“It now looks as though we will have no alternative but to take industrial action over the coming months,” warned 26-year-old Polly Technic, Head of Media Studies at St. Jude’s Comprehensive. “However, due to the huge number of staff shortages, substitute teachers will need to be brought in to go on strike.”
Ms Technic appealed to the Government to take immediate remedial action to solve the issues of unequal pay rates and low morale.
“We don’t have enough teachers to stand outside school gates and cover the official picket lines,” she continued. “It’s time something was done – because it’s an absolute disgrace that there are insufficient numbers of trained staff to not teach our young people.”

RESTAURANT REVIEW

By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent

Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain Shattiér is at once both simple and pretentious with more than a hint of arrogance.
The chef was doing bird on the day of our visit and my companion, Rob, opted for the cooked goose and filleted stool pigeon with spilled beans – all handed down concurrently with porridge and thyme served.
Ignoring a rather raucous group at a nearby table, I decided to take a stab at the grill meat menu instead, and went for the horse’s head-in-a-bed special, with hot potato in lemon grass with porky pies and more porridge.
For dessert we broke out with I scream on artichokes before ramming down a cocktail of Bloody Mary, Brandywell and out on Baileys, which we positively slaughtered!

Verdict: Food to kill your mother for! (Which we did)

CRIME STATS LATEST

Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More of them need to resign to stop people feeling murderous,” says a senior garda. “It could bring the figure down to 10,000 if Joan Burton alone packed it in!”
Amongst last year’s statistics, 2,540 threatened to kick Enda Kenny into eternity the first chance they got, 3,976 vowed to strangle the entire Labour party, 4,812 swore they’d gladly do time for finishing off Irish Water, and a whopping 5, 076 promised to push John Delaney under a bus!

McShane Euro fears

MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is now a doubt to make the squad for the summer showpiece. However, four years ago the defender was unexpectedly added to the panel at the last minute for Euro 2012 by Giovanni Trapattoni.
Reacting to the news that 3,000 extra guards had been hired for the tournament, O’Neill said: “It’s always good to know that there are additional security measures to keep unwanted people away. I’m not inclined to pick Paul, but that hasn’t stopped him in the past. We’ll pass on his picture to the French authorities and keep him away from the hotel, the training ground and, most importantly, the games.”


 

ROSANNA DAVISON FAN CLUB MEETS IN DUBLIN 2

DEFENCELESS SOLDIERS BLINDSIDED

One of the Irish Volunteers

1916 Souvenir Edition

ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE

Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of violence were visible near the Irish Times offices, with one of our reporters even getting caught up in the skirmishes.

One of the Irish Volunteers

One of the Irish Volunteers

“I was in the middle of churning out some more pro-unionist rubbish when I heard a loud bang,” said the journalist, A Hack. “It was my editor hitting the table with his fist, as he cursed these bloody upstarts ruining Easter week. I went outside to take a closer look and saw that Irish rebels had opened fire on British soldiers, whose only means of retaliating was artillery fire, gunboats and thousands of reinforcements.”
Thankfully, historians are in agreement that this latest failed insurrection was of no historical import. “It will have no long-term impact,” said one commentator. “When they’re writing the history books in 100 years’ time, it will be totally forgotten about.”

Entire party throws hat in ring

Labour Election Latest

Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title “Labour Leader”.

They include:

Brendan Howling, 69, the dark horse in the contest and one of the brightest names in the political firmament; right of centre and believes passionately that he is “the right man for the coveted job”.

• Alan “AK” Kelly, 47, boyish, intensely ambitious. He is a passionate believer in his ability to replace the outgoing leader as soon as possible and take Labour into last place as usual in the next election.

• Joanie Burton, 67, just right of left and intensely hated. Although not standing, she is hotly tipped to spend her final days languishing on the back benches while she writes her revealing autobiography about how she was shafted by the old boys’ club – the bastards!


 

BURTON ATTEMPTS TO ENERGISE LABOUR PARTY

 

Miriam Lord’s Weak

Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks off? At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have one by Qatar 2022.
Enda Kenny wants to emulate Jamie Vardy, but at the moment he’s looking a bit Paul McShane. Micheál Martin, meanwhile, has appeared more Glenn Whelan than Yaya Touré. It’s fair to say the supporters are getting irate on the sidelines – the nightmare scenario is that we have to go to a replay. FF and FG are finding it hard to field full teams, and the roles of the Independent Alliance and the Rural Five remain unclear.
Truly, we need a ringmaster to take control of this political circus.

APPEAL FOR MISSING MAN

An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on an RTÉ bulletin at 8am commenting about something or other.
Gardaí became concerned when the historian failed to appear on any further TV or radio shows and have urged anyone with information on his whereabouts to contact the Garda Confidential Line or any Garda station. “At first we weren’t worried but it’s been over three hours now,” said a spokesman for the cops. “His family say it is extremely out of character for Diarmaid. If anyone knows anything, please come forward.”

Every school to have own liquor licence

Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues

027px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0005In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.”
The commitment comes after the Fine Gael leader promised fast speed broadband to every pub in rural Ireland. “It is every child’s right to have access to ultra-modern communication,” says a Fine Gael spokesman. “This initiative will ensure that no young student’s thirst for knowledge will go unquenched. We expect at least 30 interface hubs in every primary school front bar as soon as 2018, with subsided peanuts, three flavours of Taytos, billiard tables and dartboards.”


 

MICHAELLA McCOLLUM UNCOVERED

General election analysis – where did it all go wrong?

by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran

JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager anticipation about constitutional reform and a power-sharing arrangement between FF and FG.
Week after week, our special post-election supplements also outlined the possible shape of an exciting new minority government led by one of the two major parties. Unfortunately, all the optimism suddenly vanished and complete disillusion set in.
It soon became clear that our in-depth analysis was nothing more than the same old rubbish rehashed.
Our long-winded supplements speculating on the shape of the next government did not provide a radical new alternative to the standard cut-and-paste stuff.
In fact, everyone had read it all before and knew that the latest round of filler pieces would drag on indefinitely and remain unfinished by most readers who…
(That’s enough election analysis – Ed.)

WB YEATS ON SIR KNOB: “IMBECILE”

WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from
a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have taken up poetry if I knew an imbecile like Bob Helldof would be attempting to understand my poetry on national television”.
The poet blasted, “I’m supposed to be looked into by scholars and rich ladies; not some ****ing hippy emigrant from Blackrock who gets on his knees to Elizabeth Windsor!” He continued “Have you ever read Yelldof’s own lyrics? Sure a child on 80 cans of red bull could write better verse.”
He roared about the show’s title A Fanatical Heart, “A Fanatical Fart more like. What the hell were the likes of Neeson, Van the Man and Stephen Fry thinking? Geldof should do everyone a favour and f*** off back to Blighty or wherever he comes from.”

“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman

Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence.
Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the documents was all a big mistake.
“This is clearly the result of an administrative error,” said Dodgy, speaking from his South American mansion. “I have a longstanding reputation as a generous philanthropist and pillar of the community, and any suggestion I was trying to save a fortune in tax is absolutely outrageous – I’ve never heard such a preposterous allegation in my entire life.”
Asked about documents showing him to be partnered in an offshore company with Colombian arms dealer Miguel ‘Psycho’ Sanchez, Dodgy said the arrangement was totally above board.

New Adams uproar

Gerry Adams

Gerry Adams

Gerry Adams

Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event.
Soon after the Louth TD landed in the States last week, an explosive situation shook the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the White House. Several presumptions were blown apart in the massive surge of protocol with the shockwaves felt as far away as Dublin. The TD himself is said to have suffered a bruised ego, with some witnesses claiming to have seen smoke pouring from his ears.
“They definitely had prior knowledge of what was planned. As far as we’re concerned it was their own fault that they got caught in the blast of bad publicity!”, insisted a defiant spokesman last night.

Carruthers set for shock call-up!

MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham.
The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own in any company.”
However it is the young midfielder’s attitude under pressure that left the Ireland gaffer most impressed. “I liked the way he was able to find space and the way he passed was sublime”, says the manager. “And I think he would enhance the dressing room. He is the optimistic type. For Samir the glass is always half full. Yes, definitely one to watch out for.”

“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists

Phoenix BW

by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail

As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties.
“Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people who will guarantee me a junior ministry,” the Dublin South TD told reporters. “As far as I’m concerned, there’s really no difference at all between Enda Kenny and Micheál Martin – except that I expect one of them to offer me a great big office plus generous expenses, the odd helicopter ride and perks galore, including paid lackeys to fetch my caffè mocha every half hour.”
Arriving in Leinster House yesterday, Mr Ross maintained that an agreed minority government could work effectively over the next four or five years. “Because it will rely entirely on my support, it could be a win-win situation,” he said. “I win – and then I win again with all this extra publicity.”

In Memory of Paul Daniels

Phoenix BW

Farewell then, Paul Daniels
I half liked your deception
But not a lot
As you used to say
But this is an exception
So well done, fair play
No smoke and mirrors
as once feared
This time you really have
Disappeared



TV LISTINGS

24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients spend on trolleys in Irish hospitals before getting a bed
Under Siege 2: Coverage of GAA National Football League

Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree in the steaming landscape, where chameleons, sloths, snakes in the grass and lots of other slimy creatures abound.
Environment changes means the two species may need to converge to interbreed to avoid being swamped but so far they have failed to do the necessary.
“Sadly they are behaving as everyone expected, with lots of posturing and grunting and of course plenty of nit-picking and finger pointing”, says one monkeyologist, “but unless we see the leaders scratching each other’s backs and one brown nosing the other’s backside, then this will fizzle out. I feel one of them may team up with a bunch of independent minded baboons instead.”


TAOISEACH EMERGES FROM LATEST ROUND OF GOVERNMENT NEGOTIATIONS

Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell

Daniella Moyles

Daniella Moyles

Daniella Moyles

It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and this is what I have to put up with.
Well, no longer. I will continue to churn out guest columns in the Sindo until I have reversed this unacceptable social trend. We are all entitled to wear what we like when we guest on Ireland’s top weeknight programme, with its unique mix of sparkling guests, lifestyle segments and topical discussion.
Too many social judgements are passed on people who just want to discuss international humanitarian crises in a bit of style.
So come on Ireland – let’s sort this out!


VULTURE FUND GUIDE

Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour

Phoenix BW

POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe.
While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law.
Without the new law a major loophole could be exploited that would see two former members of Boyzone and Westlife join forces to form a ‘supergroup’ that would subsequently tour the country.
Faced with the possibility of hundreds of people seeing Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy on stage together trying to sing, the squabbling politicians have come to a consensus.
“This was a close call,” said one TD. “Luckily, amidst all the petty rowing, we were able to come together to introduce this bill which will outlaw any members of Boyzone or Westlife ever stepping foot on a stage again. The consequences of young people actually witnessing such a spectacle could send the country back years.”

LUAS LATEST

Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue.
A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains.
A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have developed a software programme that can manage to stop AND go forward. Passengers will have to get used to the robotic drivers not grunting at them. We also cannot guarantee that the machine will drive into as many cars as our experienced human beings do.”

Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries

Phoenix BW

Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged!
Caller: Too feckin’ right I have!
JD: Do you know who did it to you?
Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths!
JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with…
Caller: Everything. They all work for a national broadcasting company and mug licence payers like me with massive salaries…
JD: Ah, stop…
Caller: Everyone knows them…
JD: Don’t go naming names now…
Caller: Tubridy, Finucane, O’Rourke, yoursel…
JD: Stop that now! I warned ya about naming names! That’s not on… we’ll take a break…


That updated Student Proclamation

“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have breakfast in bed instead of exams and do fun stuff to help parents become emoji literate. Snapchat and Instagram will be enshrined and that in the whole legal constitution.
“We pledge our lives to futuristic technology like having even smarter iPhones installed inside your actual brain so that you can download music directly to both ears. Also, as soon as this present government are all dead, we should just lower the pension age by like fifty years or even more. Hoodies will then be officially compulsory for everyone under 19 and parents will not be allowed to be boring.
“Also, we hereby proclaim a proper Health Service with cool doctors like on telly who are not totally so old that they’re almost entirely senile and who will just give you whatever you basically need all the time, such as padded adhesive plasters for severe Playstation blisters.
“We therefore pledge to ensure a shared society for all. This means having 24/7 access to home-grown Irish ethical food like quinoa and paranormal yoghurt instead of just takeaways which are fine at weekends, of course.”

THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE

027px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0005On Podium outside GPO
(Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks)
President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys

1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon
Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat

2nd Broken-down Ambulance Fleet
Ms Lucy Creighton, Mr Alan Shattered and 30 ashen-faced ex-Labour TDs

1st Mobile Toilet
James Collins, Samir Carruthers and 1 dozen foaming pint glasses

2nd Rate RTÉ Float
Mr Ryan ‘Tubs’ waving his annual pay-check of €495,000

3rd Open-Top Bus
Mr Conor McGregor still fuming over Las Vegas loss to Mr Nate Diaz

4th Open Stretch Coffin
Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another

(Note: Ten-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession.)

(That’s enough Parade – Ed.)