Category: Craic & Codology

Putin pins blame on Steven Avery

RUSSIAN POLICE have made contact with the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department as they investigate the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006. The ex-KGB agent was poisoned and an inquiry in England found that Russian president Vladimir Putin ‘probably’ approved the assassination.
But having watched Making A Murderer, Russian police think that Manitowoc law enforcement can help them. “We’ve seen how these guys work,” said Putin, “and we’re impressed. I think that if we can get them on the case for a couple of weeks, it will become clear that I had nothing to do with this grisly murder – the obvious suspect is Steve Avery.”

2016 Six Nations lexicon

ball-baring

Four-year cycle – Build up to World Cup disaster in 2019

Lions selection – Deciding who goes to New Zealand to get hammered by the All Blacks

22 – Number of fans left at Leinster games

XV – Number of fans left at Munster games

Captain’s Run – Rory Best comes off injured again

IN MEMORY OF GLENN FREY

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So farewell then Glenn Frey
Guitarist with the Eagles
You soared so high
My dad says he saw you
Backstage in 1974
As a teen
He swears it was the best
Fight
He has ever seen

Palin’s pro-Trump speech

Palin’s pro-Trump speech “Hey! Right! Hallelujah! Let’s hear it for Donny Trump. Yessiree! It’s so good to be right here with all you God-fearing Republican folk in Red Neck, Arizona. Yeah – let’s shoot some turkey. Welcome to my world. It’s a darn sight safer with Donald here as Commander-in-Chief and just a heart-beat away from the presidency.
“With Don Trump at the helm, America is a better place. From Chainsaw, New Massacre all the way to Crabcake County, through the entire Deep Mid-West heartlands, we can all rest easy in our beds. And why? Because it’s High Noon! Way to go, Trumpy! Eat lead ISIS assholes! Shock ‘n’ awe!
“Sure, we have other top-notch candidates, including Pretzel County’s Senator Ted Zilch and Governor Mort Bagel from Wimp City, Utah. But tough as these two guys are, they just don’t have the true grit of the next White House occupant – President Donny! You betcha!”

Tennis rocked by new scandal

Tennis rocked by new scandalThe world of sport was reeling last night as fresh claims emerged that dozens of players in the upper echelons of tennis may be under the influence of “massive doses” of a performance boosting substance during matches.
Many of the game’s household names are said to have injected the substance – known on the circuit as ‘money’ or ‘moolah’– directly into their bank accounts, in deliberate attempts to strengthen their financial muscle and put extra spring in their step.
Shocked observers claim “vast traces” of the “euphoria-creating” moolah have been detected in players’ wallets, with some commentators even suggesting that players “love the stuff” even more than the game itself. “There’s evidence that they enjoy it so much that they only play tennis so they can get access to it,” says one observer. “Some of them have more of it than John Delaney stashed away!”

ALL-PURPOSE ELECTION LEAFLET

Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo

 Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo

Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo

Dear constituent

You may not remember me – I last called to your door five years ago. As I recall, you weren’t in on that occasion either. Since being elected as your TD, I have been active in a number of key areas, including climate change research, which involved trips to
California, Malaysia and the Caribbean. I have also extensively explored best practice in the nightclub industry throughout Europe and the US, and enthusiastically participated in trade delegations to New Zealand and Tokyo.
During these trips, I have worked tirelessly on your behalf. If elected this time around, I promise to continue my work in the international arena, as well as tackling important local issues as such as (lads – fill in some stuff here). Our country faces serious challenges at this moment in time. We need to maintain the economic recovery, and tackle the urgent problems facing us in areas such as health, transport… (recycle stuff from last leaflet here).
Above all else, it is vital to remember this – our party is the only one qualified to sort out these issues. The others are full of cutthroat careerists obsessed with self-promotion.

Yours etc,
Mike Shifty TD

REASONS ENDA KENNY HASN’T CALLED THE ELECTION YET

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

  • Not used to doing something without being instructed first by Angela Merkel
  • Still has to finish season five of Homeland
  • Can’t work up nerve to defend austerity
  • Too excited about Guns N’ Roses reunion
  • Still room for more bullshit in manifesto

 

 

 

 


 

LATEST DEAD C POLL

Who do you want to see as Taoiseach after the next election?

 Keith Richards  – 50%
 Scarlett Johansson  – 30%
 Jimmy Page  – 10%
 Hulk from Avengers  – 9%
 Ennui Kenny  – 1%*

* 1% margin of error

FORM A GOVERNMENT

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It’s the bored game no one’s talking about!

In this exciting new game, you play a highly-paid party adviser with one challenge – forming a government in the aftermath of the election, at any cost! Use your negotiating skills to come to the best possible arrangement, and decide whether you will: build a bypass for some Independents down the country; give Shane Dross a ministry; get into bed with Fianna Fáil; share power with those evil Shinners; or even have exploratory talks with the Greens’ Eamon Ryan (if you’re particularly desperate).

And don’t forget to tell the media lots of guff about “acting in the national interest at all times”.

FORM A GOVERNMENT – Just like the real thing! (Takes too long and bores everyone to tears)


FIANNA FAILURE

PLANET 9 UPDATE

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Louth County Council says it is “following with interest” reports of a possible ‘ninth planet’ existing in Earth’s solar system, as it attempts to relocate Traveller families it recently evicted. Said a council spokesman, “Certainly the planet would seem to provide ample space for play areas, parking and so on – and as far as we know is not privately owned. Most importantly, it is also quite a distance away from us. We are awaiting a response from NASA to our inquiries.”

Fitzgerald calls for calm

Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald has called for “reason and calm” amidst the ongoing controversy over GSOC and gardaí accessing journalists’ phone records.
“We need a proper perspective here,” the minister is alleged to have told a close friend on the phone, according to a man whose niece is dating a garda. “Surely it’s better than reverting to the dig in the kidneys and prising back the middle finger to get information. We’re not a bunch of Christian Brothers! A gentle inquiry is totally civilised for extracting information.”
However the minister denies having used her phone at all on the night in question. “I’d want to be half mad to risk talking into such a device in Ireland these days!” she claims. “When I find out who phoned you that false information, there will be repercussions!”

Apartment Wanted

Apartment measuring 15 sq m. Bed must be no more than 5cm from door, and ceiling no more than 4ft from floor. Contact Alan at Dept of Environment.

 

JOHN DELANEY LATEST

LABOUR SUPPORTERS say they are shocked that FAI boss John Delaney is backing their candidate in Tipperary, Minister Alan Kelly. The soccer chief hit the streets of the Premier County with the TD, urging voters to get behind his friend in the upcoming election. “He always struck me as more of a Fianna Fáil guy,” said one Labour voter. “To find out he is a Labour man, well, I mean I’m not complaining, we’ll take anyone we can to be honest. I suppose there are parallels between us and the Irish soccer team – we’re both lower-tier outfits facing annihilation this year.”


labVote

O’Sullivan reassures on phone records

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In her latest bid to allay public concerns over access to phone records by gardaí and other state bodies, Garda Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan has insisted that her organisation would only access private citizens’ records “in cases of extreme necessity”.

“An Garda Síochána has no interest in journalists’ private lives,” said O’Sullivan. “We have no interest in personal matters, such as ringing in an order for pizza with extra pineapple and salami for house number 27 in a south Dublin suburb, at 8.52pm last Thursday night.”
And in a bid to reassure journalists about their privacy, the Garda chief said, “There is really no cause to ring round to each others’ homes all night last Tuesday, expressing fears of being followed by unmarked cars throughout next weekend.”

The David Bowie I didn’t know

Like everyone else who didn’t know David Bowie, I knew him in a very special way that can only happen by knowing someone intimately through his music. To me, of course, the kind of relationship I shared with David was all the more meaningful for not knowing him in the usual sense.
There have been so many special moments – “golden days”, as he might say – for both of us. My first unforgettable encounter with the man who was known to countless fans as the Thin White Ziggy was on the front pages of all the national newspapers last week when I read the shocking news that the legendary Aladdin Starstruck had reinvented himself once again.
I was to soon come across this extraordinarily English singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and actor on Wikipedia – something which I immediately copied and pasted into this moving tribute. Who could ever forge that this all-round creative genius had left us with such an incredible musical legacy as well as discovering alien life-forms on Mars.
As the musical world continues to grieve, I am left with the comforting memory of the man known simply as “The Showbiz Editor” who told me: “This is the usual drivel – but we can throw in a lot of androgynous photos and run it over 4 pages”

More GSOC revelations

GSOC agents who snooped on a number of Independent News & Media journalists came across a plot to flood the front pages with the latest celebrity gossip that ‘you need to know’.
Expecting to uncover details of hidden political agendas, the agents were shocked to discover how Holly Carpenter ‘deals with haters and keyboard warriors’, ‘What’s up with Bressie’s new glasses?’ and ‘are Georgia Salpa’s twins real?’
Their suspicions were confirmed when they opened the Irish Independent, Herald and the Sunday Independent to find numerous examples of dross, drivel and assorted nonsense – anything to get real news off the pages.
“It really opened my eyes,” said one member of GSOC. “I always wondered where Kirsty Blake Knox got her clothes from, and there it was, in page 3 of the Herald. And there were always suspicions about whether Salpa’s boys were real or not. That mystery continues.”


DAVOS WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM

“My phone was not hacked,” admits shocked journalist

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by Our Security Staff, Conor Doolally

A prominent journalist who cannot be named for legal reasons admitted last night that his telephone had not been hacked by gardaí at any stage over the past year.
“When I found myself not being arrested at dawn, I immediately realised that something very peculiar was going on,” said the Dublin-based reporter. “So I contacted the local station to complain, but was told that the Gardaí were currently short-staffed and simply hadn’t the numbers to tap everyone at this stage.”
The journalist continued: “Naturally, I’m disappointed at this shocking lack of intrusion into my day-to-day working life, and intend to get in touch with a good solicitor with a view to making a claim for substantial damages – but in the meantime, I will have to be patient and just wait my turn like everybody else.”


NO CUTS TO ELECTION SPENDING, ASSURES TAOISEACH

As the election nears, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has assured voters that there will be no cuts to campaign spending by the Fine Gael party. “We have a modest E2bn war-chest and we’ll be using it wisely,” said Mr Kenny. “People can rest assured that there will be no cutbacks in key areas like health and transport – we will have the usual assortment of spin-doctors and our candidates will be ferried around in top-of-the-range cars.”
With speculation continuing to grow about when the election will be called, the Taoiseach has also insisted that it will be held sometime this decade. “I can confirm that the election will definitely take place before 2020,” said Mr Kenny. “We are looking at the optimum time to enhance our chances of re-election… er, I mean, to ensure a full and comprehensive campaign.”
The Taoiseach also confirmed that he hasn’t ruled out any parties when it comes to forming a coalition government. “We’ll go in with anybody,” he acknowledged. “Even the Monster Raving Loony Party or, failing that, Fianna Fáil.”

Concern mounts over rise in extremists

Two of the extremists on the Garda watchlist

Two of the extremists on the Garda watchlist

Two of the extremists on the Garda watchlist

By Joky Corcoran

Shocking results from the latest Millward Frown poll suggest that Irish people are becoming increasingly concerned about the number of extremists in their midst. In particular, alarm has grown about the prominence of the so-called Fine Gael organisation, headed up by the notoriously cutthroat duo of Enda bin Kenny and Mike al Noonan.
Over the past number of years, Fine Gael, in conjunction with their followers in the Labour Party, have fanatically preached their creed of austerity, a fundamentalist belief system unrivalled in its brutality. Experts in radical organisations have warned that as an election nears, the threat of attacks from canvassing FG TDs will increase dramatically.
“Anyone who has heard James Reilly speak knows that this deranged cult are a bunch of neanderthals stuck in the 7th century,” says one commentator. “They need to be stamped out!”

Noonan and Howlin salute themselves

by Our Political Staff
Martin Woeful

The two ministers at the Department of Finance have paid tribute to each other, saying that their close personal relationship has been the key to Ireland’s continuing economic recovery.

Announcing the latest Exchequer returns yesterday, Michael Noonan and Brendan Howlin posed for photographers and insisted that they had finally put their past differences behind them.

“We have a wonderful working relationship, Mr Noonan told reporters. “Brendan agrees with everything I say – and so do I.”
Minister Noonan also insisted that the months of bitter wrangling between the much-loved couple were now well and truly over.

“I am standing beside Brendan to make myself look good,” he said. “Without me telling him what to do, he would be absolutely useless. ”

‘I WASTED NO TIME IN SOURCING HELICOPTER,’ INSISTS TAOISEACH

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vehemently dismissed criticism of his government’s response to the country’s flood crisis, and insists it “reacted as quickly as possible” to the unfolding disaster. “I had scarcely finished my post-breakfast crossword before calling someone who knows who to ring for the helicopter,” says the FG leader. “I was very much aware that people wanted quick reassurance that I was looking down on them and their problems.”
The Taoiseach also praised the response of ministers to the ongoing crisis. “Not one minister of mine has missed an opportunity to shake a victim’s hand and assure them that the streets and byroads will be reopened and dry a good week before canvassing begins,” he stated. “As always, their main priority is self-promotion.”

Coalition flood plan

1. Test the waters
2. Batten down the constituency hatches
3. Man the PR barriers
4. Push the boat out on troubled expressions
5. Soak up the media pressure
6. Show a bit more grit
7. Divert Enda far away from all channels
8. Dive to whatever depths are needed on promises

Renua Latest

Renua Ireland yesterday unveiled its 2016 election manifesto. The glossy full-colour 2-page document outlined the new party’s positions on a wide range of political issues, including taxation, crime and redressing the gender balance in government.
“To kick-start the economy, we will bring in a compulsory flat tax rate of 0.23%,” said Lucinda Creighton. She also pledged that the party would introduce much tougher sentences – especially ones that include the words “watch-dog” , “death penalty”, “retribution” and “empty promises”.
Ms Creighton undertook to deliver a brand new approach to Irish politics and to thundering applause from Renua supporters (Eddie Hobbs and Paul Bradford), she spelt out her criteria for a possible pact with another party following the election.
“While we are fully prepared to work with others as equal coalition partners,” she told reporters, “it will be on very strict ‘red line’ conditions.”

WHO RENUA WILL SHARE POWER WITH

1. The party with most votes.
2. Any other party likely to be in power.
3. Whoever will offer Lucy a junior ministry. Yes!

Is there too much about 1916 in the media?

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by Our Fever Staff
Phil Space

Is there too much coverage of the 1916 centenary in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has just asked me to address in this latest 900-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the historic commemorations.
However, with just 75 days to go before the actual centenary celebrations, it’s much too early to talk about overkill. Meanwhile, the country’s media continues to be increasingly dominated by what is being widely described as the “1916 Rising fever”.
Everywhere you look, front pages are over-run by long-winded articles written by renowned experts, such as Diarmaid Ferret and Fintan Tool. Buried deep further inside the newspaper, military specialists (Major Kevin Myers, Una Mullally, etc.) have also taken up strategic positions.
Scattered elsewhere, there is no shortage of countless fillers, including blurry images of a bombed-out Sackville Street, extracts from Joe Dubby’s latest publication, Me Oul 1916 Buke, and penetrating interviews with Heather Humphreys about
Pádraig Pearse’s love of women.

Tomorrow: Organising Centenary Kiddies Party bouncy castles and magicians

CALLS FOR NEW QUOTA

POLICITICANS FROM all the major political parties have dismissed calls for the introduction of a ‘clean candidates’ quota. An international democracy observation body has called for Ireland to ensure that 30 per cent of candidates running in local and general elections are not corrupt. However, there has been staunch resistance amongst political parties.
“It’s totally artificial,” said a spokesman for Fianna Fáil. “It would be an imposition on the natural order of things. Runners should be able to do whatever they can to get on the ticket and this is a fake restriction. The electorate won’t be fooled by this. Did Charlie Haughey need this kind of help? It’s completely unnecessary.” Fine Gael and Labour spokesmen agreed.

UN TO ACT AGAINST NORTH KOREA

In response to North Korea’s latest nuclear test, the UN Security Council is gearing up to implement “significant” punitive measures against the Pyongyang government.
In a statement released yesterday, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon warned North Korea that the UN would be re-issuing a new resolution condemning the reclusive state’s ability to further its nuclear weapons programme.
“This revised resolution will be an updated version of all our previous resolutions – but it will be even more strongly-worded,” said the Secretary General. “It will include the possibility of powerful sanctions, such as a full-scale embargo on luxury goods, including small turnips, tree bark and nourishing leaves.”
Meanwhile, North Korea’s colourful leader, Kim Jong-Un, has played down the diplomatic row. In a 7-hour prime time address on state television last night, he insisted that the latest hydrogen bomb test had been “blown out of all proportion” by America.
“Since taking over the family dictatorship, I have focused all my busy time between meals on improving relations with the oppressive and horrifying regime in the United States,” added Kim. “The hydrogen bomb test was part of our glorious national celebration, so that 2016 would start off with a bang. Happy New War!”

New Year’s Resolutions

Teresa Mannion

Joan Burton

Joan Burton

Towards the end of last year I discovered the joy of swimming and I would like to improve my strokes in deep water, especially as I believe that, with the help of Government policy, swimming will become an increasingly common activity in Ireland in the coming years. I would go so far as to say there may well be an open air public pool on every street.
Joan Burton

Teresa Mannion

Teresa Mannion

Omg! Omg! What a truly massive question!!! The only thing I know for sure at this point is that every month can bring with it extreme levels of unpredictability and enormous waves of uncertainty!!! Everyone should note there are serious risks lurking around every corner!!! Given the prevailing climate across all sectors of life, I’m afraid it would be absolute stupidity to make any plans whatsoever!!!
Teresa Mannion

Denis O’Brien

Denis O’Brien

I consider that kind of information to be very privileged and personal. How dare you intrude into any area of my private aspirations! Who sent you? To whom and for what purpose would you dispatch such information? What’s that in your pocket? Leave me alone!
Denis O’Brien

Letters to the Editor

Hook: shameful record

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000)
Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK)
Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap

Note: please provide name and address so we can weed out any non-professionals. Letters may be edited or cut – especially if from the northside


 

Failed rugby pundit

Hook: shameful record

Hook: shameful record

Sir, – With regard to my upcoming role as defence coach to Ireland under Joe Schmidt, I have been inundated with heartfelt congratulations from rugby enthusiasts everywhere. But while Irish players have a proud reputation, the same cannot be said for the so-called pundits who are an absolute blight on the game. In particular, the self-styled alpha male George Hook has a shameful record for bringing rugby into disrepute.
Hook – or “Hooky” as he childishly calls himself – has spent a lifetime in the public eye, shouting his mouth off about the first thing that comes into his head. His dismal radio programme demonstrates an abject failure to either inform or entertain unfortunate listeners. Every time one of his guest tries to speak, Hook comes in from the side to launch another of his vicious tackles. When-oh-when will this shameless self-publicist get off the pitch and give everyone a break?
Yours, etc,
Andy Farrell
Twikenham Stadium
London

Renua manifesto

Sir, – There seems to have been some misunderstanding amongst certain sectors of the electorate with regard to our election manifesto. Apparently, some people find our three strikes and you’re out policy on crime somewhat harsh, while others see no merit whatsoever in our 23% flat tax proposal. And so on and so on…
It is important to state, then, that these are merely proposals. Of course, if circumstances change and we ultimately are forced to apply the exact opposite of what we are saying, then we will instantly and patriotically reverse any policy necessary. That way, our party can remain your servant in government at all costs. Please!
Yours, etc,
Lucinda Creighton,
Renua HQ,
Chancertown

Moore Street controversy

Mike Moneybags makes another killing

Mike Moneybags makes another killing

Sir, – As one of wealthiest property developers in the country, I find the current Moore Street controversy difficult to understand. In general, I find that people are far too hung up on preserving old buildings and public spaces. Indeed, I recently saw an Old Georgian facade in Dublin city centre that could be tastefully redeveloped into a Burger King outlet, and I also noticed a park that would be perfect for a hotel and retail complex. What’s everyone so upset about?!
Mike Moneybags
Dalkey

Flooding insurance

Sir, – As an insurance provider of 47 years’ experience, it was with shock that I read the headlines following the recent flooding, about the Taoiseach “wanting answers” over homeowners and businesses being unable to secure insurance cover.
There seems to be some misconception in Ireland that insurance exists as some sort of panacea or to be ‘wheeled out’ when matters take a turn for the worse! Of course, the truth is that nobody should have to pay for others’ carelessness. In one typical case in the recent floods, we actually had a farmer ‘claiming’ compensation for a flooded field, despite leaving his gate open throughout the weekend! Unbelievable but true.
Yours etc.,
Lou Pole
Dodge Road,
Don’t Cahir

Brexit crisis

Merkel: has high opinion of UK (and herself)

Merkel: has high opinion of UK (and herself)

Sir, – Now that Britain’s Prime Minister is insisting on his misguided plan to hold a referendum on EU membership, I would urge all the important European powers – and Ireland – to encourage British voters to remain within a strong Europe. Mr Cameron has been visiting myself and Monsieur Hollande threatening to go off on his own if he doesn’t get his own way. François and I could hardly conceal our amusement.
For a moment, it appeared that David thought he could rule the entire EU single-handedly – which is, of course, my job. But despite our temporary difficulties, Mr Cameron should never forget that Britain does have a vital role within the EU and that the other 27 member states really want his country to remain. After all, Britain unites the rest of us in absolute loathing.
Yours, etc,
Angela Merkel
Berlin

Alcohol guidelines

Sir, – After years of suffering unsatisfactory working conditions as a post-primary teacher in Ireland, I will shortly take up a position as a maths tutor in a British college. However, I am a sociable fellow and the recent drink limits announced by Britain’s Chief Medical Officer have left me in a quandary. Does anyone at all know the rate of exchange for pints between Ireland and Britain? I’d hate to make a bad impression by over-indulging on my first day, but at the same time I don’t want to come across as a ‘boring ol’ Paddy’ by going home to bed too early.
Yours etc.
Al Gebra
Mullingar


THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

€15 for suitable contributions. Email letters@thephoenix.ie

RTÉ search for new director general

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by Our Media Staff
Phillipa Column

As speculation continues about who is to be RTÉ’s new director-general, several prominent names have emerged as front-runners for what has been described as “the biggest job in Irish broadcasting”.
However, current deputy-director Kevin Bratwurst, a former BBC News executive, is being widely tipped as the favourite for the role of running the organisation.
Meanwhile, Communications Minister Alex White has defended the high pay package (believed to be in the region of €250,000) on offer to the next DG.
“If we don’t pay these sort of inflated salaries to our top executives,” said Mr Whitewash, “then people with outstanding talent, such as Kevin, will be snapped up by the private sector, where they will use their unique expertise to ensure that rival commercial stations are fully stocked up with clip-boards and paperclips – and that is a situation that we have to avoid at all costs.”

Election latest

028px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0004FOOTBALL BOSSES Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini are being head-hunted by all the major political parties ahead of the upcoming general election. The duo have been banned from football activities after an investigation by the Fifa Ethics Committee into a payment made by Blatter to Platini. Blatter claimed it was a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ and totally above board.
One TD commented: “That’s the kind of initiative we need on the ticket. ‘A gentleman’s agreement’, brilliant! I love it – them two would fit in perfectly.” However, a deputy from a rival party insisted he was also keen to sign up the controversial duo. “Delusion, hubris, denial, fondness for a bit of ‘off the books’ cash,” he commented, “these lads have Irish politics written all over them.”

Councillor doesn’t ask for bribe shock

by Our Political Staff – Phil Wallet

THE Irish political scene was rocked today by the revelation that a local councillor had not asked for money in exchange for introducing an undercover RTÉ reporter to a network of influential government contacts.
In an immediate reaction, other councillors from all the main parties condemned their colleague, saying, “This man is an absolute disgrace to local government and clearly has no respect for either himself or the proud traditions of Irish politics. But the vast majority of corrupt councillors should not be tarnished just because there’s one non-rotten apple in the barrel”.
Meanwhile, Independent Councillor Mike Madeup last night told reporters: “It’s scandalous that this individual didn’t ask for a €500,000 bribe – especially as most of us are quite prepared to accept a fraction of that amount.”

McELVANEY’S GREAT CHRISTMAS SALE

This is the season to be generous and just to prove that generosity works two ways, we at McElvaney’s ‘Planning and Investment Scheme Services ‘(PISS) are offering you these fabulous one-off reductions in our advisory service over the festive season.

 Was:  Now Only:
 Industrial Development:  €20,000  €15,000!!!
 House Building:  €16,000  €12,000!!!
 Home Extension:  €10,000  €8,000!!!
 Swimming Pool:  €8,000  €5,000!!!
  • Terms & conditions: All transactions in cash. Full payment in advance. Brown envelopes and cardboard boxes only. No cameras or recording devices allowed.
  • Sterling very much accepted.

e-mail: mcelvaney.takethepiss@monaghan.con

Calls to bring Mannion to France

By Our Meteorological Staff

Pressure was growing on Republic of Ireland boss Martin O’Neill last night to include sensational weather star Teresa Mannion in his squad for next year’s European Championships. The calls to bring the Galway-based reporter to France follow her amazing performance in the televised confrontation with Hurricane Desmond recently. “We’re going to have to weather similar storms around our penalty box in France, with high balls raining down on us, waves of attacks, and nifty foreigners flooding the area with their free-flowing skills,” says one diehard fan. “When it comes to batting down the hatches, I’d have Mannion over McCarthy any day to get us out of trouble. She’s a very commanding figure and would tackle anything.”


Euro Draw Shock!

FLOOD WATERS INUNDATE DUBLIN

by Our Wet Office Staff, Jawn Waters

WITH ADVERSE weather conditions continuing to cause havoc across Central Dublin last night, there were harrowing scenes in Kildare Street when unprecedented floods of tears left over a hundred people stranded and fearing for their political lives.
Leinster House was particularly badly hit, with unprecedented floods rising to above shoulder level, as ministers lined up to express sympathy for people affected by rivers bursting their banks.
“One minute we were all enjoying a well-earned rest while Michael Noonan explained how the Banking Inquiry fiasco was such a great success,” said one ashen-faced TD, “and then suddenly the water level started rising when the Taoiseach spoke at length about his deep personal concern for the victims of Storm Desmond.”
The situation worsened considerably as environment minister Alan Kelly burst into tears and water began lapping around Simon Coveney and Frances Fitzgerald.
“It was amazing how the floodgates just opened,” said another deputy. “Thanks to this terrible disaster, we now have a golden opportunity to cry crocodile tears and hope that voters will look kindly on us in the run-up to the forthcoming election.”


FLOODING CRISIS WORSENS

LIGHTWEIGHT KNOCKED OUT IN 13 SECONDS

Conor McGregor is celebrating his latest triumph after knocking out lightweight opponent Enda Kenny in just 13 seconds. In front of a packed house in Las Vegas, McGregor saw off the Mayo man in record time, leaving Kenny’s entourage – headed by Michael Noonan and Angela Merkel – to attempt to console the humiliated fighter.
The mismatch commenced with Kenny hesitantly advancing from his corner, indecisively dancing around the election date. This was met with a devastating upper cut from McGregor, which left Kenny dazed and mumbling nonsensically about economic recovery. With Kenny clearly incoherent – even making a comment about the banking inquiry report being completed on time – McGregor delivered the knock-out blow.
Afterwards, an emotional Kenny called for a rematch. “I deserve another shot,” he declared as boos rang out around the arena. He is unlikely to get his wish however, with the field of Irish political lightweights growing ever more crowded.


Kenny Reveals New Look For Election Campaign

McELVANEY SPEAKS OUT

Phoenix BW

HUGH MCELVANEY says there are still plenty of wind farm opportunities in Monaghan and warned potential investors not to be put off by RTÉ’s shenanigans. The ex-Fine Gael councillor caught out the national broadcaster in a reverse sting, showing them up as part of a genius double jeopardy plot.
But McElvaney is now concerned that those wishing to invest might not be so keen after seeing the programme. “The message I would have is that Monaghan is open for business,” he said. “Don’t pay any attention to that shower in Dublin. I am willing to offer my expertise in all areas of wind development, especially when it comes to hot air. People will recognise my ability to spin, so I could have those pylons turning 25 hours a day to maximise production. I think people will realise that this is a
unique opportunity. Call me.”

US Airforce on ‘high alert’ as Wallace and Daly released

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins

American defence officials say its airforce has been placed on “level 10 red alert” following news that Wexford TD Mick Wallace has been released from prison. “We are taking no chances”, says Senior Air Command Officer Larry Sodaguzzler. “This crazed, pink-shirted hippy and his partner in crime could strike again. They obviously have it in for the American airforce and are capable of doing anything, including looking in the window of our warpla… er, near-empty, unarmed aircraft stopping off for a social visit and a coffee. It’s diabolical that they should be free to walk the fields armed with lethal wire cutters. These people must not be allowed to stop our peaceful bombing raids that weren’t refuelling in Ireland about half-an-hour ago.”