Category: Craic & Codology

That updated Student Proclamation

“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have breakfast in bed instead of exams and do fun stuff to help parents become emoji literate. Snapchat and Instagram will be enshrined and that in the whole legal constitution.
“We pledge our lives to futuristic technology like having even smarter iPhones installed inside your actual brain so that you can download music directly to both ears. Also, as soon as this present government are all dead, we should just lower the pension age by like fifty years or even more. Hoodies will then be officially compulsory for everyone under 19 and parents will not be allowed to be boring.
“Also, we hereby proclaim a proper Health Service with cool doctors like on telly who are not totally so old that they’re almost entirely senile and who will just give you whatever you basically need all the time, such as padded adhesive plasters for severe Playstation blisters.
“We therefore pledge to ensure a shared society for all. This means having 24/7 access to home-grown Irish ethical food like quinoa and paranormal yoghurt instead of just takeaways which are fine at weekends, of course.”

THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE

027px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0005On Podium outside GPO
(Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks)
President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys

1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon
Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat

2nd Broken-down Ambulance Fleet
Ms Lucy Creighton, Mr Alan Shattered and 30 ashen-faced ex-Labour TDs

1st Mobile Toilet
James Collins, Samir Carruthers and 1 dozen foaming pint glasses

2nd Rate RTÉ Float
Mr Ryan ‘Tubs’ waving his annual pay-check of €495,000

3rd Open-Top Bus
Mr Conor McGregor still fuming over Las Vegas loss to Mr Nate Diaz

4th Open Stretch Coffin
Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another

(Note: Ten-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession.)

(That’s enough Parade – Ed.)

Should Enda Kenny get involved in politics?

THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government.
“While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member of Fine Gael, “it’s obvious that he simply isn’t cut out for politics and is completely unsuited to taking on the task of forming any kind of government.”
Mr Kenny had earlier visited Leinster House where he repeatedly asked TDs of all parties to join him in forming a new administration.
“It’s getting so embarrassing at this stage that Enda would be well advised to leave complex matters, such as taking over the leadership, to someone who is much more multi-talented – like myself,” admitted health minister Vlad Varadkar. “And on top of everything else, even his friends hate him.”

Danny Healy Rae playlist

  • Smells Like Irish Water Money
  • Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water)
  • Uptown Pipe Repairs
  • He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)

 


026px-Humour-drumm-mug

New government expected by 2050

A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week.
The latest offering from FG is believed to include a comprehensive programme for rural renewal, including the formation of a new body called the Department of Healy Raes. The wooing of the Independent Alliance has also continued, with the proposal to build statues of several of the party’s TDs in key locations around the country.
However, an FG spokesman has firmly ruled out any participation in “pork barrel politics”. The statement was immediately followed by the announcement of multimillion jobs investment programmes and lavish new recreation facilities in the constituencies of several key rural TDs.
(For more aimless speculation on new government, see inside pages 5-30)


INDEPENDENT ALLIANCE REVEAL NEW IMAGE

St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”

Phoenix BW

By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass

Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land.
“All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on St. Patrick’s Day,” reassured one fracturologist completing the back nine yesterday.
Across the capital, Dublin hospital administrators say, “every ambulance is carrying a full tank of petrol, tyres have been checked over, and all leave cancelled for the day when we honour the man who delivered us from paganism and mindless savagery.”
Meantime, police have urged revellers to behave appropriately on the day. “We’d ask people to desist from shooting, knifing, mugging or even selling drugs,” said a senior garda. “Keep it down to discreet urination and vomiting for God’s sake.”

Parochial party guests call for tolerance

Phoenix BW

Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities.
“Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged by that organisation’s behaviour now or in the past. Behind it all, he is just an ordinary, harmless party animal who likes a good time and collecting Nazi stuff. As St. Charlie of the Poppies tells us in the Book of Rehab, ‘Let him without sin be the first to get stoned.’”

Irish rugby on a knife-edge

As Ireland prepare for crucial matches against Italy and Scotland, this handy all-purpose commentary piece gives readers the chance to adapt to all eventualities by simply deleting as applicable…
Rugby fans throughout the country have only one word to describe the heroic/abysmal performance of the Irish lads on Saturday: Brilliant/Shambolic. Coach Joe Schmidt should hold his head high/in shame following this latest victory/defeat.
Robbie Henshaw was world class/nowhere to be seen while Rory Best was man of the match/at his worst. For most of the game, Jonny Sexton was leading by example/stumbling around concussed. As for Keith Earls, he should be given the praise he truly deserves/shot on sight.
No wonder jubilant/angry supporters cheered/booed non-stop as Ireland did them proud/crashed out after yet another gallant/disastrous performance. What a team/shower!

SLAB’S PRISON DIARY

MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The bastard. I’ve never been treated like this in all my born days.

TUES: Some of the prison officers (screws) keep checking that I have everything I want. One of them had the nerve to ask for an autograph. He even made a few cheap cracks about taking good care of my bomber jacket. I have his name. The governor invited me to his office for tea and asked about what books I wanted in the cell. Personally, I couldn’t care less so long as I can cook them.
WED: It’s only when you are languishing in a dark hellhole with fellow inmates (jailbirds) watching Netflix that you remember all the little things you once took for granted, like having extensive underground oil storage tanks or the odd €850,000 in spare cash lying around the hay-barn. Happy times.

Renua “to regroup”

IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”.
Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband, Senator Paul Bradford) that it was now time to take stock and reflect on Renua’s long-term future: “It is important that we continue to focus on what we do best – losing.”
Ms Creighton also rejected suggestions that the party had made little impact on Irish political life. “On the contrary, we have finally answered the so-called experts who accused us of being completely useless,” she told reporters, “by showing them that we are extraordinarily good at being beaten and humiliated.”
Lucy also insisted that she did not interpret the latest results as an embarrassing one-off defeat, saying, “We fully intend to regroup – just as soon as Eddie Hobbs is released back into the community – so in fact this marks the start of a great new era of Renua obscurity.”


SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST

  • Money’s Too Tight To Mention
  • I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt)
  • All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro
  • Money (That’s What I Want)
  • All Out Of Love – And Cash
  • Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den

State funeral for Labour party

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves

It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which were warmly welcomed as an appropriate tribute to the late party.
In paying their last respects to the once powerful political movement, they were joined by 30 ashen-faced TDs who had just lost their seats in the recent general election. Labour had been suffering badly since earlier council elections, but last month’s results proved fatal.

What Mourners Will See

  • The seven surviving TDs will lie in a state on the Leinster House back benches.
  • Members of the public will file past solemnly shaking their fists and shouting: “Serves you bastards right for breaking your promises!”
  • Outgoing Party Leader Joan Burton will lead cortege to the accompaniment of traditional lament, It’s Over (R. Orbison).
  • Deputy Leader Alan Kelly will ceremonially scatter Joan’s leadership ashes and immediately replace her without further ado.
  • Everyone will then relocate to nearest hotel for modest refreshments (cold shoulder of ham, hard cheese, just desserts, etc.).

TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS

Donald Trump

US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan – we’re gonna get the guys we’re deporting to build it on their way home. It will cost very little; we’ll just continue the exploitation they’ve already experienced in our great country. We’ll leave a rope ladder on the other side so they can climb down safely. Problem solved.”
Meanwhile, Trump has gone back on previous threats to close the Doonbeg resort and says he now plans to develop Ireland into one giant golf course. Speaking during an interview in the US, the mogul said, “Yeah, I think make the place into one big resort and let my kids have fun with it.”
With Ireland currently without a government, no spokesman was available for comment, although a source close to Fine Gael said, “Any inward investment is to be welcomed.”

Twink in burglary crisis

Twink

Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell at the moment.
The softly spoken actress is outraged that there is no extra publicity available just as she becomes the face of a new house alarm company.

Twink

Twink

“The f****g gobshites,” she commented. “Right when I need a few stories in the Sindo, they don’t bother their holes. It’s disgusting. I’ve been letting the dogs run out on the street and everything, just to see if someone will snatch them up for a while. Do you think they’d oblige? Of course they wouldn’t!”
Twink said she intends to keep a low-profile over the next few months, planning only 25 newspaper interviews, 18 photos-shoots and 12 television appearances. She made the announcement yesterday at a press conference attended by scores of photographers and showbiz hacks.

GANGLAND UPDATE

By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams

Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had earlier been seen walking the streets of the country and annoying everyone by knocking on doors.
Observers say the gang were eventually “sent packing”, with their leader – named Joan – reportedly “fighting for survival.” Many who witnessed the trouncing say they are “very worried” about the outcome. “There is always a danger that they will regroup and come back,” said a Leitrim shopkeeper. “I’m still keeping my door locked.”
Similarly, an unemployed man uninstalling a water meter in Wexford feared that, “with seven of them still hanging around, they could return someday. Look what happened when a few Fianna Fáilers were spared! God knows what horrors lie ahead of us!”

YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS

KATE O’CONNELL
Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.

 

 

LISA CHAMBERS
Securing a seat in Mayo, Chambers campaigned for a fairer share of recovery for the west, as well as a fairer share of TDs for Fianna Fáil. Key policies include increased support for the self-employed and getting FF back into power as quickly as possible.

 

 

027px Humour j ocallaghanJIM O’CALLAGHAN
Dynamic left-of-right politician who was elected for FF in Dublin Bay South. Electrified the campaign with radical views on major issues such as littering and traffic light provision.

 

 

DANNY HEALY RAE
With Danny joining his brother Michael as a deputy, the plan is now to get the entire extended Healy Rae family elected by 2030. Danny has expressed an ambition to eliminate both unemployment and the Dublin media in the lifetime of the next Dáil.

 

 

JACK CHAMBERS
Energetic young politician who is both pro-life and pro-advancing his career. Caused shockwaves with his views on coalition with Fine Gael, saying, “It may happen… But then again it may not.”

That proposed FG-FF programme for government

As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest.
This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating growth and maintaining stability. Our radical Programme for Government will include sweeping and far-reaching clichés that will affirm both parties’ positions in the radical centre-ground.

 

JOINT RESOLUTIONS

1 Prioritise gimmicky improvements in public services
2 Additional jobs, houses, stealth taxes, hospital trolleys, etc.
3 Cuts to any policies we can’t agree on
4 Establish in-depth five-year review of Irish Water
5 Maintain strong EU links (and do whatever Angela says)
6 Ensure that the Shinners are kept out of government
7 Hold on to power no matter what
8 That’s about it


PBP react to Labour election result

PBP react to Labour election result

Rotating Taoiseach mooted

By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat

As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen.
“Martin and Kenny will get half-an-hour each before someone else takes over,” says a source close to the discussions. “Lots of people deserve a go and we’ve had interest from all over the world – other people who may take office at some point include Axl Rose, Liam Gallagher and the Irish wrestler Sheamus.”
Meanwhile, Enda Kenny is keeping his options open with regard to forming the next government. Among those he has approached thus far for exploratory talks are the Independent Alliance, numerous smaller parties, a Star Wars fanclub and two blokes he met out walking yesterday. “We’ll talk to absolutely anyone,” confirmed an FG spokesman. “But no way are we desperate. Incidentally, do you know anyone who might give us an extra vote?”


THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS

  • Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork
  • All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives
  • Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle
  • Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber
  • Leave our shoes in the hallway after you’ve finished the polishing, Baldy
  • Two sugars and easy on the milk Leo…

Irish Water latest

Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe.
“Things were tipping along fine up to the election, so we’re going to more or less leave things as they were,” said one FF participant. “The Blueshirts can carry on paying, our crowd won’t join them for five years, and the lefty Commies are off the hook as long as they contribute to the economy by organising mass protests across the country every two months. ”
Asked whether Labour party supporters were part of the agreement, the spokesman looked puzzled. “What supporters?” he asked.

Is there too much endless speculation about the government?

by All Hacks

ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor.
Whether or not I can come up with a new angle, of course, is the real question. This latest post-election period is truly unprecedented and leaves the country’s political future completely adrift in unchartered territory. So what will be the final act in this never-ending drama?
Over the past week, I have repeatedly written about the smaller groupings and Independents who may or may not agree to support one of the two big parties. In-depth profiles of all the main players have been carefully copied from Wikipedia and reprinted verbatim.
In yesterday’s lengthy article, I considered the history of previous Coalitions and addressed the subject of gene-pool clichés – something that is certain to be a vital cog in this political jigsaw.
Yet another intriguing possibility is that I have no idea whatsoever about the make-up of the new Coalition any more than the next hack. However, this is highly unlikely to stop me from… (You’re fired. Ed.)

McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION

UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government, but the controversial star has said there is no substance to the reports.
“Despite this loss, I am still in better shape than Fine Gael,” said a defiant McGregor in a lengthy Instagram post. “Taking over a weakened party and leading a ramshackle coalition is beneath me. Thank you all to the true support and f**k the hate that came out of the woodwork. I love it all. It’s still steak for breakfast.”
An FG spokesman conceded that McGregor’s abrasive style would make EU negotiations “difficult”, but insisted they were still hopeful of luring the fighter into the world of Irish politics. “He has signalled his intentioned to go back down to featherweight,” said the spokesman, “so he’d be right at home in the new Dáil.”

SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER

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JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far.
He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m 110% fine. My memory is perfect. The knocks I took recently against Mozambique and the Newbridge BaaBaas were minor.
“I have passed all the return-to-play protocols and look forward to the match against Bohemians in Dalymount on Saturday. I have the full backing of our coach, Eddie O’Sullivan, and I am up for the battle with Ronan O’Gara for the number 10 shirt.”

Gardaí to throw ‘full force of the alphabet’ at criminals, vows Commissioner

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room before appearing on a major news bulletin!” assured the top cop. “We will leave no metaphor unturned and will use every vowel available to us until these people, who are a cancer in society, are behind bars.”
And in a further ratcheting up of pressure, justice minister Frances Fitzgerald has warned criminals that they may be billed for security at future funerals if Fine Gael is returned to power. “We fully intend to hit them in the pocket if they continue killing each other,” she asserts. “And they will be hunted down if they ignore even one invoice. Our party has a very proud record in pursuing that kind of criminal activity.”

THOSE ELECTION OSCARS

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

Best Make-up Artist
Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joan Burton

Joan Burton

Best Female Supporting Role
Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8%

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Ring

Michael Ring

The Revenant Award
Michael Ring for his performance in the wilds of Mayo after being mauled by a small dog

 

 

 

 

Micheál Martin

Micheál Martin

Best Male Actor
Micheál Martin for his TV debate performance in Mad Mike: Fury Road after being repeatedly mauled by Grizzly Adams

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Healy Rae

Michael Healy Rae

Special Foreign Language Performance
Co-winners Michael and Danny Healy-Rae in Rant-Man

 

 

 

 

Claire Byrne

Claire Byrne

The Claire Byrne Award
Claire Byrne in Phwoaar and Peace for her contribution to looking good on television

Papal Bull(ETIN)

Bienvenida, amigos.
What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature woman of the opposite sex. So much for the myth that our top clerics are only interested in altar boys, eh!
I ask modern Catholics to rejoice that JP used to grant his friend an audience in the comfort of the Vatican cellars with a bottle of Vat 69 to discuss the finer points of theology. What is so wrong with that?
Popes may be supreme and infallible, but there is even more to us. Are we not men? As I travel the world, I make sure to spread the word of peace and speak out against violence and crime – unlike that hairbrained pagan, Donald Trump. In South America, I see that some newspapers promote drug bosses and their glamorous lifestyle. Such a lie. It is my job to hit out at the media – and indeed, at any young thugs who gets too close for comfort when I am doing a peace-loving meet-and-greet down Mexico way.
Sometimes excommunications aren’t enough, so when push comes to shove, I grab the nearest glass bottle and smash it against the humble Fiat bonnet. Then I invite those selfish little punks to come to have a go – if they think they’re hard enough. In today’s world, my friend, go too far, and I put you in the ground. Beatific smiles all round.
Adiós, Franco

CLARIFICATION

In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such as, “Schmidt’s Titans to Triumph” and “Super Schmidtonians to Rewrite Rugby History”.

However, in the wake of the two dismal failures against Wales and France, the nation can now see that this is the most clueless bunch of misfits Irish rugby has ever had the misfortune to field. It’s become clear that these over-hyped brats are chronically devoid of backbone and lack the mettle to close out a game.
We apologise for our error and promise not to repeat it until the next time Ireland win a big Six Nations clash.

HEALTH MATTERS

This week Dr Will Squander of Transfusion Positive de-livers his professional opinion

People often call me urgently and say, ‘Doctor, I am feeling unwell, what’s the latest news on treatment for hepatitis?’ I always recommend we meet by the pool to discuss the matter over a nice chardonnay. Say about noon just after I have had my manicure and with an hour to spare before the waiter brings the dinner menu. Shall we say one of the Greek islands? You choose – after all, it’s your liver! Of course it’s crucially important when dealing with such matters that one is made to feel secure and relaxed. I have retained the same travel advisor for three years now and I must say once the arrangements are confirmed, I feel
a huge weight off my shoulders!

Croker to host GAA match shock

There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the summer, but a spokesman for the association insisted that the unprecedented move was warranted.
“The hosting of concerts by artists such as Bruce Springsteen and Beyonce is central to the ethos of the association,” he said. “The GAA is known and revered throughout the world for its fostering of stadium rock acts, money-spinning exhibition events and lucrative TV rights deals. However, it makes commercial sense to host the occasional Gaelic football and hurling match, hence this one-off decision to play a game in Croke Park.”

D’ARCY IN EUROVISION UPROAR

MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on.
D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his show, but a Nicholson impersonator appeared instead. So when Byrne was slated to perform Ireland’s Eurovision entry, some people were expecting an impersonator – maybe someone who could hold a tune, for instance. But the audience collectively winced when they realised it was the real Byrne, who came out to ‘sing’ one of the worst pieces of shit ever put forward for the song contest.
“I feel ripped off,” said one viewer. “When I’m looking at an RTÉ chat show and hear that someone is coming on, I don’t expect a real-life member of Westlife. Give me a break.”

GANGLAND WHO’S WHO

MIKE SCUMBAG
Suave mafia godfather whose crime empire is believed to comprise Russia, Mexico and the entire continent of Africa. Though based on the Continent, Scumbag regularly flies home to Dublin to attend funerals. Going under the nickname The Llama, his hobbies include relaxing with Colombian drug lords and blowing away gangland rivals.

 

 

 

MIKE SCUMBAG JR
Having survived 14 different assassination attempts in Dublin, Scumbag Jr relocated to Spain several years ago, where he likes to unwind by dishing out punishment beatings to rival gangland bosses. Other crimes include being the subject of eight separate TV3 shows, and providing Paul Williams with acres of material to fill his columns with.

 

 

 

TONY ‘FAT TONY’ SCUMBAG
A first cousin of Mike Scumbag, Fat Tony served 20 years in prison for multiple offences, including drug dealing, violent assault and failing to have motor insurance. He currently lives the high life in a E10m mansion on the Costa Del Sleaze, where he indulges his twin passions of gardening and breaking people’s legs.

 

 

 

JOHN ‘PSYCHO’ SCUMBAG
Notorious henchman who fled to the Continent after being targeted by a rival gang, who suspected him of masterminding the killing of drug kingpin The Moose. A celebrated character, his party pieces include shooting up the room with his beloved Uzi.

Thieves shaken after brush with Vlad

025px Humour.indd(2)_Page_1_Image_0002THIEVES WHO almost ran into Leo Varadkar as he canvassed for votes in Castleknock say they are “relieved no-one was hurt” in the incident. The robbers were exiting a local shop when they had their lucky escape. One member of the gang explained: “We had just finished our business and were making good our escape. Then, out of nowhere, we saw some guys carrying placards.
“We ran like f*ck and luckily for us, they couldn’t catch up. I heard them screaming ‘Vote Fine Gael’. I think one of our lads rang the Gardaí shortly afterwards to warn the public of the danger. Unfortunately, this is an issue up and down the country. I hope people don’t just associate this kind of thing with north Dublin.”
Such incidents have become routine in recent weeks, as hordes of canvassing politicians openly roam the streets in search of votes. An Garda Síochána have advised members of the public to stay in their homes during the election period and not to answer the door to strangers.
They warn that all candidates are armed with meaningless sound bites from their manifestos, and are extremely dangerous, particularly if engaged in conversation about what’s wrong with the other parties.

CALLS FOR EARLY BEATIFICATION OF CLAIRE BYRNE

Pressure was increasing on Pope Francis last night to fast-track the canonisation of RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne. The calls come after the adored broadcaster miraculously kept Irish television viewers tuned into an RTÉ political debate for 90 minutes.
Such was the powerful force of the transmission that many viewers have had their lives altered forever. “I’m not religious and I’ve always considered RTÉ as sort of evil but I was praying on my knees that she’d keep going and maybe even hit Gerry Adams a smack,” said one born again viewer in Clonmel. “I can’t wait for next Tuesday”.
Meanwhile in Cork, a mother of six claimed the experience had turned her “away from Vincent Browne”. She added, “For the first time in 20 years, my husband put his arm around me as Claire put a stop to Micheál Martin’s waffling. I believe her intercession has saved our marriage.”
A Vatican spokesman said the Pontiff was considering the appeals but was warning people “not to get too pushy about it!”

Creighton pledge – “Prison for all”

by Our Crime Staff Phil Cells

Lucinda Creighton has again called for the imprisonment of everyone in the country for an indefinite period. The Renua leader has focused on crime throughout the election campaign.
“The only way to make the streets of our cities safe is to have nobody on them,” Ms Creighton told reporters. “We will all be out of danger if all potential criminal families are safely incarcerated behind bars.”
The Renua plan will involve the long-term construction of at least 17,000 new prisons.
“This is an additional spin-off benefit of our proposals and should provide a much-needed boost to the national economy,” explained Lucy. “What’s even better is that I then get re-elected by pandering to the prejudices of ordinary high-income tax-payers, who will save billions if the prisoners themselves carry out the building programme by working around-the-clock in chain-gangs.”

JOAN BURTON’S HANDS

 

1) Thumbing nose at socialism
2) Pointing out everyone else’s mistakes
3) Middle finger to Eamon Gilmore
4) Finger not lifted to help Alan Kelly
5) Finger used for pointing out water protestors
6) Thumbs up to Enda Kenny
7) Wagging finger at Sinn Féin
8) Finger switching remote control to Downton Abbey
9) Hanging onto seat by fingertip


Eamon Ryan pictured with friends and supporters