Category: Craic & Codology

New Trump outrage

by Our Political Corr, Phil Column

Having run out of minorities to attack, Donald Trump has called on his own supporters to be deported. At a rally where the Republican candidate stood amidst hundreds of his own fans, he shouted that in order to “make America great again” everyone would have to go. The unusual plea was met with resounding cheers as the audience was whipped into a frenzy, “Out, out, out!” they chanted.

McGREGOR SALUTES MANNION

MOTORMOUTH CONOR McGregor has hailed Teresa Mannion for her outstanding display of reporting during Storm Desmond. The RTÉ employee went viral after her live report from a rain-lashed Salthill in Galway.
The UFC star said: “She flailed around hysterically, talked absolute guff and generally hammed it up for the cameras, so I think she’d be right at home in the world of MMA. For good measure, she’s going to make a packet on royalties after going viral with that rap version. She has my approval.”

TRAVELLERS TURNED AWAY FROM INN

Phoenix BW

In a harrowing Yuletide tale, two weary travellers were turned away from an inn in Limerick because there was no room. Echoing the story of the Nativity, the bedraggled couple were refused entry to accommodation after a long trek in stormy weather and had to return home.
Denied the publicity that would have come with staying “at least a night”, TDs Mick Wallace and Clare Daly vowed to return someday. “We saw flashing blue lights and followed an (Irish Daily) Star (reporter) to the door,” said Wallace. “It was magical. But when we arrived they checked the books and we were turned away. But we won’t change our beliefs, we’ll be back one day. Our faith in publicity stunts will not be shaken by this experience.”

BAD SEASONAL CHAT-UP LINES

  • “ESRI report and chill?”
  • “Fancy going to an industrial tribunal next week?”
  • “I have a couple of passes to the next Siptu conference.”
  • “Eamon Gilmore’s memoir is amazing.”
  • “Have you read Cliff Taylor’s latest Irish Times column?”
  • “I love when Philip Boucher Hayes stands in on Liveline.“
  • “Matt Cooper book and chill?”

CHRISTMAS MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS

028px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0004Return to the Jungle of the Apes
Leo Varadkar plays Tarzan in this classic remake of a seasonal movie favourite. Includes unforgettable spectacular outdoor sequence when all the creepy-crawly friends furiously climb the greasy pole. Co-starring a feisty Frances Fitzgerald as Jane and Simon Coveney as Cheetah.

Psycho IV
Latest re-make of Hitchcock’s horror masterpiece. Watch out for the hair-raising shower scene when Donald Trump lashes out at hundreds of imaginary naked Muslims. The image of Republican hopes going down the plug-hole is an incredible cinematic experience.

The Unelectables
A group of one-time superheroes are forced to live anonymously on the Labour benches in Dáil Éireann. Unwanted and unloved, they have lost all their former powers. Will they manage to make a comeback? No. Can they return and save their skins? Not a chance. Hilarious festive fun.

The Conman
David Drumm stars in this hearty-warming family extravaganza in which Irish taxpayers look out the window and see the Conman come to life while the country’s financial regulatory authorities sleep. Suddenly, the Conman takes off through the air, but his hopes of escape melt away when a cruel Boston judge sends him to prison.

(That’s enough awful movies – Ed.)

That historic climate change agreement

Phoenix BW

  • 50% increase in hot air from Barack Obama
  • 10 degree rise in temperature amongst environmentalists
  • 100 percent increase in politicians patting themselves on the back
  • 70 percent increase in corporations looking for loopholes in restrictions
  • Enda Kenny and Irish cabinet to maintain current rate of noxious emissions

RTÉ CHRISTMAS TV

Christmas Eve

  • Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Eve Special
  • Carols from the Áras with Mrs Brown and Panti Bliss
  • Strictly Come Mrs Brown Semi Finals

Christmas Day

  • Mrs Brown’s Toys Christmas Day Special
  • The Mrs Brown Xmas Factor
  • Mrs Brown’s Buoys (flood crisis documentary)

New Year’s Day

  • Mrs Brown’s New Year’s Day Special (Repeat)
  • The Great Irish Christmas Bake Off with Mrs Brown
  • Mrs Brown’s Christmas Panto-on-Ice Special

(That’s enough Mrs Brown. Oh yes, it is! – Ed)

Enda Kenny’s comments “unacceptable” – Trump

Donald Trump

by Our Political Staff – Martin Wail

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

US REPUBLICAN presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that recent remarks made by Taoiseach Enda Kenny are “totally unacceptable”.
Mr Trump was responding to a speech given by the outspoken Fine Gael leader in which he suggested that all left-wing TDs should be banned from re-entering politics after next year’s elections.
“Enda Kenny is a loose cannon who is now demanding a total and complete shutdown of lefties entering the Dáil,” said Mr Trump last night. “Everything he says is such an affront to basic human dignity that I feel deeply ashamed to think that I once shook his hand and shared the red carpet with him during my visit to Co Clare last year.”
Mr Kenny has made numerous gaffes over recent weeks, mocking Opposition deputies and even claiming that he was seriously concerned about standards in public office. However, many political observers believe that he is simply courting controversy in the hope of becoming Taoiseach again in 2016.

Letters to the Editor

Reilly: innovative

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000)
Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK)
Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap

Garda Inspectorate report

Gardaí reflect on the Garda Inspectorate report

Gardaí reflect on the Garda Inspectorate report

Sir, – As a Garda Síochána desk staffer of 28 years stan… er, sitting, I am extremely concerned about the latest Garda Inspectorate report, which states that too many gardaí are desk-bound. As with many such high-falutin’ undertakings, it is high on aspiration and low on reality.
In particular, the report completely fails to address the dangers of walking. Too often from where I slee… er, sit in the corner of the reception area by the coffee machine, I have seen colleagues carried into the station having been downed by various means – ranging from uncontrolled dogs to untied shoelaces. Then there are the health risks associated with eating while ‘on the go’. All scientific studies worldwide testify that eating a burger and chips demands sitting down, whether at a desk, squad car or betting shop counter.
Do we really want more of the lads falling foul of these dangers – with the inevitable result of even less gardaí fit and available to check dog licences and sign passport forms?
Yours, etc,
Garda Stan Dupp
Offaly

Heavy weather

Sir, – As a mother of two boys aged 4 and 6, I wish to object most strongly to RTÉ reporter Teresa Mannion’s irresponsible and alarmist weather report last week. Having left my children momentarily alone in the sitting room while RTÉ’s six o’clock news bulletin was being broadcast, I was alarmed to hear their screams of terror as Ms. Mannion delivered her stark warnings.
It subsequently took three hours of reassurance by my partner and I to soothe the kids’ worries about “bad weather” getting us all. Since then, my youngest lad is in deep dread of having a bath or even flushing the toilet, while his brother persistently refuses to go upstairs under any circumstances, for fear of it being deemed an “unnecessary journey”. Thank you very much Ms. Mannion and RTÉ for destroying our lives!
Yours, etc,
Terry Fied,
Tidestown,
County Waterford

American gun control

A Michelle Fiore supporter gears  up for Xmas

A Michelle Fiore supporter gears up for Xmas

Sir, – As a homegrown, white Christian American citizen, I wish to express my full support for State Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, who has exercised her fundamental right to send out personal Christmas cards to her closest friends. Her seasonal greetings depict the extended Fiore family posing beside the festive tree and brandishing legally-held weapons.
At this time of peace and goodwill, Michele reminds us that guns are a vital part of our honoured tradition and have numerous everyday uses. For example, a short burst of gunfire can quickly attract the attention of a waitress in a busy restaurant. Weapons are also handy for scaring away unwanted crows, illegal Mexican drug-dealers and all Muslim immigrants.
Guns rarely cause trouble – apart from the odd mass murder shooting spree. But perhaps if we had fewer schools and cinemas, these events wouldn’t happen. Personally, I favour greater arms control and believe that semi-automatic weapons should be restricted to white Republicans only. You can’t argue with that – especially as I am currently the proud owner of several handguns and three assault rifles.
Yours, etc,
Walter P. Gunbarrel
Idaho

Smacking ban

Reilly: innovative

Reilly: innovative

Sir, – Now that my latest innovative measure of introducing a ban on corporal punishment has come into law, I am confident that Ireland will finally be recognised as a modern civilised society. For far too long, senior members of the Government have been subjected to daily abuse and embarrassment.
It is particularly gratifying to know that viewers will no longer have to watch RTÉ’s Oireachtas Report and witness the horrifying spectacle of important ministers like myself being torn to pieces by Mary Lou McDonald. The so-called ban on smacking reinforces positive discipline strategies, such as letting us do whatever we like and then voting us back into office.
Yours, etc,
Dr James Reilly
Government Buildings

Third level loans

Sir, – As a recent graduate currently working three jobs to pay off my half-a-million student loan, I would like to welcome the Government’s recent report into third level fees, titled Funding Third Level Education: F****d If We Know. The report suggests students pay E25 a week over 15 years, which is certainly an improvement on my current arrangement of repaying E20,000 a week until early into the 22nd century.
If there is one bright line on the horizon in tertiary education, it is that the quality of tuition remains very high. I studied English in college and an apposite line comes to mind: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” I think this quote from Shakespeare adequately sums up the quandary in which we currently find ourselves.
Yours, etc,
John Skint
Laois


THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.


€15 for suitable contributions. Email letters@thephoenix.ie

ACTION MAN JEFFREY

ACTION MAN JEFFREY

ACTION MAN  JEFFREY

ACTION MAN JEFFREY

Add this sensational new action figure to your collection – and enjoy hours of nuclear deterrent fun!

Prominent unionist MP and have-a-go hero Jeffrey is ready and willing to protect Europe’s interest – even if it means starting World War 3.

Comes complete with:

  • Creepy soft-spoken voice
  • Boyish Daniel O’Donnell grin
  • Trident missiles

Watch Jeffrey take on the evil Vladimir Putin and help him grab some attention by smarming up to David Cameron and offering to base Trident submarines in Belfast Lough. Who knows? He might even get a shot at becoming DUP Leader

Letters to the Editor

After Peter Robinson

Fester: void

Fester: void

Sir, – Peter Robinson’s brave decision to step down as First Minister before he was forced to do so typifies the qualities which have made him one of Northern Ireland’s most outstanding politicians. For over three decades, he has distinguished himself, not just as Dr Ian Paisley’s long-serving deputy but as the devoted husband of Iris who was unfortunately involved in an on-off relationship with a young café owner.
Who will ever forget his courageous defence of loyalist principles when he single-handedly led the Christian Bowlers Apprentice march through the Catholic town of Armaghlite where he burned an effigy of Pope Igniteus? As a lifelong friend, I have been proud to work with Mr Robinson despite his frequently shambolic and crisis-strewn tenure. Furthermore, it has been a privilege to stand by him during the Cerberus controversies. There can be no doubt that we will all miss Peter terribly. He has left a great void which I will immediately fill.
Yours, etc,
Arlene Fester
Stormont

End of Banking Inquiry

Sir, – Many of the country’s most respected legal minds have been shocked and saddened to learn that the Oireachtas banking inquiry is due to be wound down prematurely in January 2016. In my view, the inquiry should be allowed to complete its work even if this means postponing next year’s general election. There are still hundreds of important witnesses who can be called to give vital evidence and explain that they have no recollection of ever being knowingly involved in any wrongdoing.
Unfortunately, because of the unseemly rush to produce a report, the entire investigation is now likely to be seriously compromised. The crucial thing is that we must uncover the truth at all costs. In my considered opinion, it is vital that the public hearings continue for as long as necessary. It is even more critical that important people like myself unearth a vast pile of public money in our bank accounts.
Yours, etc,
Michael Hugefee
The Law Library
Dublin 7

Repeat offenders

Fitzgerald: new initiative

Fitzgerald: new initiative

Sir, – May I be the first to applaud the introduction by Minister Frances Fitzgerald of a multi-agency strategy to target repeat offenders. In particular, I hope this initiative tackles the current situation within both the minister’s own party and Labour, where fights, bust-ups and back-stabbings appear to be rife.
It is to be hoped that the measures being introduced will reduce this loutish behaviour and ensure public safety. Indeed, many citizens are now afraid to turn on their TV sets, for fear of being confronted by more news of ultra-violent faction fighting in the Coalition. However, let us hope that with the minister’s new initiative, such scenarios become a thing of the past!
Yours, etc
Micheál Bon-Jovi
Mullingar

Like-minded admirer

Fingers: full support

Fingers: full support

Sir, – I note with alarm and a deepening concern the ongoing controversy surrounding the IFA executives’ pay packets and severance deals. As a young boy tuning into The Riordans on a Sunday night, my belief was always that farmers were celebrated for their hardworking lifestyle. But here we see some rural chaps milking it and making hay while the sun shines, yet getting pilloried for it.
Surely they deserve our praise and admiration for their agricultural ingenuity. I only wish I was half as clever! May I take this opportunity to offer my full support, while extending any advisory service I can provide at a much reduced fee to these exemplary gentlemen whenever they are next in town.
Yours, etc,
Michael Fingleton,
Dublin

Offence taken

Mike Chancer gears up for the election

Mike Chancer gears up for the election

Sir, – In light of Ireland now appearing on Isis’s list of “enemy countries”, I am calling on all Irish citizens, regardless of religious persuasion, political affiliation etc, to boycott any produce or service imported into the country by this belligerent group!
As a staunch supporter of democracy, I believe strongly in diversity of choice and free movement of people, but no way must we trade with these tyrants, visit their shores on vacation, or in any way support their economy, until such time as they afford us fair recognition and indeed until they commit to decommissioning their weaponry.
If elected to Dáil Éireann next spring, I vow to make these goals my priority alongside job creation, an end to forced emigration, greater Garda presence in our rural communities and an end to patients on trolleys.
Yours, etc,
Mick Chancer (Ind.),
Handshake Mews,
Ballybluster 


THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

€15 for suitable contributions. Email letters@thephoenix.ie

Government concerned by homeless problem

THE GOVERNMENT has appealed for Dublin’s homeless community to bed down a little further from the Dail this Christmas. Last year there was public outrage when a man sleeping rough died just yards from the centre of Ireland’s parliament, an incident which forced Taoiseach Enda Kenny to take to the streets to meet homeless people.
“We’d ask these people to consider the poor politicians at this time of year,” said a Fine Gael spokesman. “It’s easy to forget that these poor creatures have an election coming up in the springtime and anybody kicking the bucket within a 500-yard radius of Leinster House reflects very poorly on them and affects their chances of re-election. Please, consider them just for a moment and move down the road, even a few yards can make all the difference.”

IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?

The Pope’s new modernised look

The Pope’s new modernised look

The Pope’s new modernised look

POPE FRANCIS has been hailed by Church moderates after handing out free condoms at a huge Mass celebration in Kenya. Before his first trip to Africa, God’s main man on earth told journalists he would offer “spiritual and material” support to Kenya, Uganda and the war-torn Central African Republic.
Little did the faithful know that by “material” he meant contraceptives that would actually improve the conditions of the desperately poor in the struggling countries. “Fair fucks to him,” said one happy-go-luck African bishop, a father of four illegitimate children with his housekeeper, who didn’t want to be named. “We didn’t see that coming. After saying that gays weren’t that bad, and women might have a place in the Church and people who had abortions wouldn’t necessarily be damned to hell forever, this is another surprise. It does raise the question, however, is the Pope a Catholic?”

Leinster apologise

Leinster apologise

Leinster apologise

Leinster apologise

LEINSTER RUGBY have apologised to season-ticket holders and offered a full refund. Many fans of the 12-County Army are distraught after their Champions Cup hopes were smashed by two defeats in two games. Even the return of injury-prone Johnny Sexton from France couldn’t help the Blues.
A Leinster spokesman said: “It’s only fair that we don’t expect our loyal fans, most of whom have been supporting the goys since 2009, to pay to watch this stuff. They deserve an opportunity to switch allegiance to soccer – a winning team – now that Ireland have qualified for the Euros. We’ll take them back for the start of next season, just after the Boys in Green have crashed out of the France tournament.”

GAA UPDATE

GAA UPDATE

GAA UPDATE

GAA UPDATE

THE GAA has been praised after successfully passing the baton of wanton violence from International Rules football to Super 11s hurling. The compromise game seemed to be on its deathbed after both Ireland and Australia decided to play in a sporting manner, focus on catching and kicking skills and not batter each other. Many fans were turned off at the prospect of a fair but tough game.
But less than 24 hours later, the GAA’s latest made-up sport, the 11-a-side clash between Galway and Dublin in Fenway Park, Boston, drew praise for the 22-man dust-up which got the 28,000-strong crowd going. “Let’s be honest,” said one Yank, “this was never going to take off without a schmozzle. The only thing that was lacking was the music during the fight – like they do in the ice hockey.” The association are also said to be pleased with the level of violence in the country’s club finals but have asked those taking videos to film in landscape and not portrait mode.

KEANO’S GUIDE TO FRANCE 2016

Roy Keane

Roy Keane

Roy Keane

1. FRANCE
Look, it’s France. The lads don’t fancy it. Never have. A real lack of desire among the French. Poor defensively. Maginot Line. Lacking in the basic areas of the game. Forget France. Head to Germany and watch the games from there.

2. THE FOOD
I don’t rate it as a cuisine, I don’t rate it for its nutritional value, I don’t rate it for its taste. You can stick it up your bollocks. The only reason I have any dealings with it is that for some reason they’re hosting the Euros there!

3. THE ISIS TERROR THREAT
There’s a lack of characters in modern war. There’s no leader out there to take the conflict by the scruff of the neck and carry his army over the line. The prawn sandwich brigade are sitting back in drone command launching a few missiles, but what you need to do is get down to their level and give those lads in Isis a fierce glare and a bit of the bulging vein treatment. They’re an absolute disgrace, but that’s modern warfare isn’t it? They’re all doing it.

PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE


 

 

PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE AGENDA

 

 

  • Wave hands about
  • Blame Russia
  • Shout at China
  • Something about polar bears
  • Don’t mention the aviation industry
  • Have a go at India
  • Promise to reduce something or other by 2040
  • Is that the time already?
  • Menu please
  • I’ll have the rare rhinoceros tongue before it get extinct, cheers

FEARS GROW OF ANOTHER ‘INTEL’

Security forces say Ireland is under a growing threat of more bomb hoaxes as more and more people find jobs they don’t like. “The Intel incident was just the tip of the iceberg”, says one senior security expert. “There is massive discontent out there, especially with early starters. We’re seeing dozens of young men cancelling taxis and deliberately missing buses every day. All the signs point to another Intel at any time.”
Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin says government policies are to blame for the threat. “This is what happens when you create tens of thousands of jobs that nobody likes”, says the former health minister. “Fianna Fáil could never stand accused of such insensitivity.” Labour leader Joan Burton however has denied that her party played any part in creating jobs, “except for a bit of hole-digging by ourselves.”

No new Donald Trump gaffe shock

Donald Trump

by Our Political Staff Henry McGoo 

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

The American political scene was rocked today following a 24-hour period during which Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump did not insult any minorities on television. Throughout that time, there were no reports of Mr Trump mocking disabled journalists or making racist remarks about Mexican immigrants being drug-crazed criminals and rapists.
“I know it was wrong and I know it was a mistake – but I just couldn’t help myself,” the outspoken billionaire told reporters. “But I can assure my faithful god-fearing supporters that I have learned my lesson. Indeed, when I address them in Vulture Gulch, Nebraska, tomorrow night, I will be calling for the mass extermination of all non-white Muslim terrorists on the planet.”
Meanwhile, Mr Trump’s wife told reporters that she was saddened and disappointed by her husband’s latest behaviour. “It’s completely out of character for Donald not to be controversial – but that’s what attracted me to him in the first place and I will be standing by the wealthy lunatic.”

Farmers linked to animal cruelty shock!

Farmers outside IFA HQ last night

Farmers outside IFA HQ last night

Farmers outside IFA HQ last night

Animal welfare officials have called for stiffer penalties for animal cruelty after two farmers were reportedly seen riding on a pig’s back for several years. Sources have named the men as Eddie Downey and Pat Smith, and say they “travelled the country” on the animal’s back. Both are described as being “heavyweights” in their fields.
Said one upset farmer collecting his CAP cheque yesterday, “It brings tears to my eyes when I think of it. The rest of us were just left trotting after them.” The scandal comes amidst growing international concern over Ireland’s performance on animal welfare. Earlier this year, Social Democrat TD Catherine Murphy was criticised for throwing a cat amongst pigeons and simultaneously disturbing a hornets’ nest, while broadcaster Ray D’Arcy has had his ass kicked several times. Wild gooses chases are also very common, especially amongst the Gardaí.

Banking Inquiry latest

By Our Financial Staff Phil Pockets

Members of the Banking Inquiry yesterday agreed a plan for publishing the panel’s report sometime before 2070. A special finalisation team has been appointed and is already in the process of reducing its initial 750-page report.
“We have it down to about 500 words,” said one member of the inquiry. “Make no mistake, this is going to be a no-holds barred account of how nobody at all is to blame for the unfortunate events that happened in the past.”

That 3-Page Report (in full)

• The Banking Inquiry shambles must never happen again.
• Something must be done.
• The Government should set up an Oireachtas committee to examine the terrible waste of public money.
• The new inquiry will publish a 750-page report in due course.
• That’s it.

Delaney offers to do IFA job

John Delaney has confirmed that he has offered to take on the role of general secretary of the IFA. It is understood that he phoned in his offer at 4 o’clock in the morning on Thursday of last week, while an emergency meeting of the IFA was concluding its marathon session.
“Yes, it’s true,” confirmed Delaney. “We had just finished up our regular mid-week sing-song when my girfriend Emma suggested that I go for it. ’It’s very similar to your current job,’ she said. ‘At least the letters in the names of the organisations are exactly the same. And you would still be dealing with a bunch of animals on a daily basis.’
“So I thought long and hard about it and I said, ‘You know, she’s right. The letters are the same’. And another half-mill a year would certainly come in useful.”
However, seasoned farming observers expressed doubts as to whether one person can do both jobs at the same time. “It’s hard to know,” said one, “But certainly, the Irish team’s style of play can be quite agricultural.”


 

That IFA menu

Fishy Mess
with Crispy Fried Oodles of Cash
(Soaked until nicely rich)

Huge amounts of bread

Egg on Face

*****

Rich pickings (on pig’s back)

Cooked Goose

Belly up of Pork
Served on a bed of own making

*****

Plenty of gravy
Simmering in a large pension pot

Sore Sauce

NEW SHAM MARRIAGE CRACKDOWN

GARDAI HAVE made a number of arrests in Dublin as part of a crackdown on sham marriages. Over 12 Fine Gael and Labour TDs were taken into custody last week accused of entering into a fake relationship with each other in order to stay in charge of the country.
Suspicions arose when members of both parties failed to come up with the same answer in a police interrogation version of the game Mr and Mrs. “We separated the couples and asked them the same questions,” said one detective. “Foreign policy, HSE crisis, homeless situation, bedroom habits, favourite foods and TV shows – they couldn’t match up anything. One couple – Joan and Leo – seemed to hate the sight of each other and had nothing in common. It was a total sham. We will look to deport them as soon as possible.”

FG reach consensus on right to reelection

By Our Entire Staff

Following a stormy meeting of the parliamentary party, Fine Gael TDs have reached broad agreement on their right to be reelected. “They locked James Reilly in a closet and got on with discussing the Eighth Amendment,” revealed a source. “There was a consensus reached that something needs to be done to help those most at risk, ie TDs in danger of losing their seats.”
At one of his hourly press conferences yesterday, health minister Leo Varadkar emphasised the courageousness of the Government’s approach. “The nation is currently grappling with one of the burning questions of our time,” said Vlad. “Namely, who should succeed Enda as leader of our party. Clearly that should by myself, not Coveney. As for the James Reilly controversy – Mr Reilly simply craves attention and wants to get his name in the paper.”
A furious Vlad concluded by saying, “His behaviour is totally outrageous. Going on solo runs and hogging the headlines – that’s my job.”

NEW CENTRES FOR PUBLICITY ADDICTS

Aodhán Ó Geardáin

Minister Aodhán Ó Geardáin has announced innovative new measures aimed at providing more effective treatment for politicians addicted to publicity. Under the new guidelines, ministers will receive controlled doses of PR under strict supervision at approved centres around the country.

Aodhán Ó Geardáin

Aodhán Ó Geardáin

“We need to end scenarios where washed to individuals like Eamoan Gilbore is forced to serialise his sensational memoirs in the Sindo just to satisfy his cravings,” explained Ó Geardáin. “This is a man who wants nothing more but to flog his lame memoirs in a safe and controlled environment. Similarly, currently ministers – for example, those wishing to boost their profile as an election nears – will be free to avail of the facilities.”
The minister also noted that as the election nears, politicians’ hunger for column inches is set to reach “epidemic levels.”

More Gilmore book extracts

Eamon Gilmore

It was just another routine day of saving the country when the Taoiseach rang. I was surprised he had my phone number. “Eamon – you might remember me,” he said. “There’s been some stuff happening with Callinan. It took place a fortnight ago and I thought you should be kept abreast of the latest developments.”

Eamon Gilmore

Eamon Gilmore

I was shocked – the Taoiseach had actually contacted me about something. My next move was crucial. However, I wasn’t going to be pressured into anything – I would offer my view when the Taoiseach gave it to me. I told my departmental secretary to inform him of such in no uncertain terms.
The meeting called for early that Monday morning was testy. “Who’s this guy?” an FG minister said as he pointed at me. The Taoiseach was furious. “Eamon – why haven’t you made the tea?” he scolded. I knew straight away it was anecdote I would be recounting in my dismal memoirs… (Contd. inside ad nauseum)

Army to be used to prevent withdrawals

Enda Kenny

In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election.

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

“I know this from speaking to a man I met on the main street in Castlebar recently,” commented Mr. Kenny. “He had a pint in each hand and another six pints hidden inside him, and he was adamant that he was going to forcibly remove Government TDs from their offices at the general election in… er… whenever that might be… if we decide to have an election at all.”

RYANAIR MR NICE GUY TO APPEAR ON STRICTLY COME DANCING

Michael O'Leary

Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news.
De Loverly told Take A Break magazine, “I’ve always wanted to be on Strictly and I hope people will like me.” Meanwhile, Ryanair say profits are up thanks to Michael’s nice guy approach. A spokeswoman said, “We really miss telling people to f**k off at the gates but the money is better now. Michael will be signing copies of his new book, Nice Guys Can Win, at the Ladies’ Bowls Clubhouse, Nerdsworth Common this Sunday.”

Danger of red meat scare stories

Phoenix BW

by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove

It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you ill and shorten your life by “up to 20 years”.
“These recent findings directly contradict earlier surveys about the benefits of eating sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles,” said one leading Dublin editor, Mike Madeup. “Nevertheless, they are still a stark reminder that we are always desperate to fill space on a Monday when there is no other news.”
Meanwhile, the Minister for Agriculture, Simon Coveney, today conceded that red meat products could carry a certain amount of risk.
“Vigilance is key,” said Mr Coveney. “I strongly recommend any minister who wishes to enjoy a healthy career to stay well clear of this highly dangerous issue.”

“Lefty parties can’t be trusted,” warn Labour

Phoenix BW

The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they get power they want to get rid of poverty altogether. Talk about hypocrisy! The problem is, some people will say anything to get into power.”

Burton latest

Joan Burton

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course.

Joan Burton

Joan Burton

“Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at… y’know… lots and lots of things,” assures the Labour leader. “They are both very serious about the issue. I could hear them discussing it intensely in Mr. Noonan’s office this morning before the younger man came out to wash the blood off his shirt.”

On other pages:

  • ‘It’s definitely not Alan Kelly’s fault’, says Alan Kelly.
  • ‘We nearly had agreement but his bald head slipped out of Alan Kelly’s headlock’, says Alan Kelly.
  • ‘Sign your name to them or else stop the anonymous death threats to Alan Kelly’, says Alan Kelly

Letters to the Editor

letters to editor

Latest Syrian talks

Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria.

The results of the latest UN peace initiative

The results of the latest UN peace initiative

If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by and do nothing. I urge America and Russia – and all the other old enemies involved in such crucial talks – to work together for a common purpose.
If the will is there, I am convinced that we can ensure that all the warring factions agree/disagree that President Bashar goes/stays, so that this terrible conflict will soon continue indefinitely/last forever.
Yours, etc,
Ban Ki-Moon
New York

Gender quotas

Sir, – With the general election only months away, there is increasing public debate about cross-gender participation. Let me make it clear that Renua Ireland believes strongly in gender quotas. Indeed, we would be delighted to welcome all consenting individuals of all genders – male, female and gender fluid – to join us as candidates. You don’t need any qualifications or strong political views – I will take care of all of that.

Creighton: loves to hear new voices (who agree with her)

Creighton: loves to hear new voices (who agree with her)

Running as one of our candidates will provide a short break from your mundane day-to-day activities. You might even get involved in politics. In addition, you will meet Eddie Hobbs (who will take care of reimbursing lost deposits) and get your photo in the local papers for a few weeks. Best of all, I can assure interested parties that it’s not a long-term commitment and I can guarantee that you will be able to resume your usual lifestyle by next Easter.
Yours, etc,
Lucinda Creighton
Dublin 2

Car temperature

Sir, – Does anyone else have misgivings about the heating system on the modern Opel car ranges? I have experienced difficulties with three models in the past fortnight, with all three proving unreliable and untrustworthy and necessitating my replacing the entire vehicle.
Certainly, the new system quickly eliminates windscreen hydration, but even the lowest setting with basic fan assist, seems to cause overheating in the dashboard area. Indeed my wife, a front seat passenger, suffered considerable singeing to her eyebrows on two occasions and one of my in-laws experienced severe heat exhaustion in the rear seat.
I have now switched to Vauxhall and while it takes longer to heat up, the warmth does seem more evenly distributed and less intrusive, although I find it can impart some drowsiness when even a short whiff of exhaust fumes permeate an open window.
Yours, etc, 
Dee Icer,
Flamestown,
Co. Offalywarm

One for all

Sir, – I realise there may be some television viewers who will not so readily adapt to the updated People’s Angelus service now being broadcast on RTÉ television. However the reason for this alteration in the service is quite simple.

A priest reacts to the new Angelus

A priest reacts to the new Angelus

In short, while RTE fully recognises and respects the traditional values that prevail in this country, it is important that we meet the needs and requirements of individuals, couples, groups and communities in a modern country, whose society aspires towards the values of multiculturalism in a diversely denominational and secular manner, and which embraces all creeds and none, with complete disregard towards bias based on skin colour, ethnicity or genetic origin, while being agnostic, yet reverent, as to whether one is able-bodied or disabled, gay, heterosexual, transgender, gender fluid, or otherwise.
Hopefully that clears it up. We feel the new broadcast model will accurately respect those values, as has already been appreciatively represented by a woman baking bread.
Yours, etc,
Mike Madeup
Head of Religious Affairs
RTE, Donnybrook

Coin rounding

Sir, – I don’t want to cause unnecessary panic, but I’ve just been told by a man in the know that the entire army – tanks, bazookas, helicopters, the whole shebang! – are poised to go out and protect the populace if there is any hassle over the coining roundups!

Kenny: apocalyptic

Kenny: apocalyptic

I’m further informed that they are polishing their bayonets in barracks across the country even as I write this, and that a bloodbath of biblical proportions isn’t ruled out. Ireland is on the verge of apocalyptic meltdown if people lose control of their emotions. I urge retailers to round some items downwards to to help diffuse this crisis.
Yours, etc,
Enda Kenny,
Dáil Éireann & Mayo

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

€15 for suitable contributions. Email letters@thephoenix.ie

Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie  The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín

In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs.
Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my next outing Brooklyn – The Monster Returns, Leaves and Returns Again”. Donald Clarke of The Irish Times gushed that Brooklyn is, “A film so good, it should be placed beside DeVinci’s work in the Uffizi”.
The paper of record has erected a solid gold statue of Tóbín in its office foyer and has bought the rights to the next six million editions of the Brooklyn franchise.

Who will replace Billy Walsh?

Boxing

by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring

Boxing

VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show.

LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles – though may find amateur boxing slightly tame compared to Fine Gael infighting.

JEREMY CLARKSON: The former Top Gear presenter certainly doesn’t lack drive. Has already made his mark in tough situations and shown that he is more than capable of knocking a few heads together when he sees fit.

ROY KEANE: Ireland’s Raging Bull is dedicated, decisive, edgy, bad-tempered and a safe pair of hands both inside and outside the ring. May possibly baulk at the basic €1m starting salary, however.

(That’s enough candidates – Ed.)