Category: Craic & Codology

BORIS: ‘I’M REALLY SORRY’

Boris Johnson

Yes, of course, it’s vital to apologise over the tragic events in Ballymurphy back in 1971. These sad episodes took place in the distant past. Unlike today when the only thing people are interested in is my brilliantly successful vaccine roll-out. Known to be 97% effective in protecting Bozza from different variants of sleaze accusations.... Read more »

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR – JOURNALISTIC OPPORTUNITY

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Sir, I would like to draw your attention to an unrivalled journalistic opportunity that has just arisen. As you may be aware, the esteemed journalist Mr Eoghan Harris currently finds himself available for work. Mr Harris is a man of the utmost integrity and his work has been the subject of much comment. I’m fortunate... Read more »

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WHO’S WHO IN ‘THE PURSUIT OF LURVE’?

Pitford

This timeless Nancy Mitford epic of love and loss (of trousers and dignity mainly) has already been hailed as the most sensational drama series since the BBC’s classic version of Tolstoy’s Pwhoar and Sleaze. Lily Luvvie (Lily James) – Brilliant portrayal of a headstrong character who is extremely annoying indeed. Lord Madcap (Andrew Scott) –... Read more »

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KELLY SUPPORTS STARMER

Alan Kelly

Following disappointing results in recent local elections, Labour leader Alan Kelly has sent his condolences to his beleaguered opposite number in the UK, Keir Starmer. “It’s surprising that despite choosing a young, dynamic, charismatic, energetic, firebrand as leader, just like us,” said Kelly, “that results across the Irish Sea look even worse than ours.”

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TRAVEL BUBBLE AN ‘EXCELLENT IDEA’, SAYS HOUSING MINISTER

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Housing Minister Darragh O’Brien has described proposals for a ‘travel bubble’ between Britain and Ireland as a “game-changer” in the housing crisis. “Irish people have a long tradition of settling in the UK and always find the houses over there very much to their liking,” said the Fianna Fáil minister. “Allowing our hordes of disaffected... Read more »

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MINIMUM PRICING BEERS

Fosters

Goldhawk profiles some of the beers that will be affected by plans to introduce a Minimum Unit Price for alcohol: Fosters Recently canned due to complaints it wasn’t doing enough to convert potential customers. Replacement will be far more acidic with a definite whiff of sourness. Mickey O’Leary’s Famous for its bitter outpourings and a... Read more »

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NEW CATHOLIC SEX EDUCATION GUIDE FOR SCHOOLS UNVEILED

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Sexual love belongs in a committed relationship between a priest and his housekeeper. Sex is exclusively for the purposes of procreation. Hush money payments are often required to keep the progeny a secret. Failure to do so could result in an orgy of negative media coverage. People who love members of the same sex in... Read more »

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WHAT NEXT FOR ARLENE FOSTER?

Arlene Foster

Nightclub door steward The departing DUP leader could certainly be trusted to say NO! to any undesirables trying to gain entry! Assistant to Stephen Kenny The beleaguered gaffer need no longer worry about conceding goals once the tough tackling Arlene instructs his charges on defending tenaciously what nobody else would even try to defend. Historian... Read more »

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MIXED REACTION TO OLD TRAFFORD PROTESTS

Old Trafford

What a beautiful sight it was to see all those supporters marching on the centre of power and refusing to concede what is rightfully theirs, by taking matters into their own hands. It fills me with hope for the future. – Donald Trump What’s the problem?! The Yanks take over south Kerry every year without... Read more »

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BRAVE MAURA BARES ALL

Maura Higgins

by Philip A Website I’m usually seen as a fairly unemotional individual, but that all changed today when my editor asked me to churn out a quick feature piece on Maura Higgins, the former Love Island star. “We’re the only paper without a front-page story on Maura’s gutsy decision to post pics of her grey... Read more »

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FRENZIED PURSUIT PAYS OFF!

Mary Lou McDonald

At long last! Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has finally admitted her party’s Abú voter database was not in compliance with data protection laws. This appalling dereliction of duty on the part of Sinn Féin is on a scale we haven’t seen since the Data Protection Commission (DPC) made a number of findings against,... Read more »

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KENNY SPEAKS OUT ON EUROS GAMES

Euro fixtures

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has praised UEFA’s controversial decision to strip Dublin of its European Championship games. “Giving the Irish fans a taste of decent football could make my job virtually impossible. What if people saw the designated home team scoring goals at the Aviva? They’d soon expect my lot to start doing something similar.... Read more »

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BODY CAMERAS WILL ‘REDUCE DISPUTES’, SAY GARDAÍ.

Garda logo

Gardaí across all ranks believe the provision of body cameras will be a ‘game changer’ in resolving disputes and diffusing tense situations between their members and some sections of the community. “Every night dozens of our lads are served stuff in chippers that they didn’t ask for – and then brazenly told that they did!”,... Read more »

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DUP LEADERSHIP CONTENDERS

DUP logo

MIKE HEADBANGER An advocate of returning to 16th century moral values, he is regarded as being on the more moderate wing of the party. His belief that space aliens roam among us could compromise his position on border checks. JOHN CRACKPOT A member of the more religious, Paisleyite wing of the party, he has sharply... Read more »

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AVIVA STADIUM ALTERNATE PLANS

Aviva Stadium

With no Euro 2020 games to be played in the Aviva, Goldhawk takes a look at some of the other uses the stadium could be put to. Expanded vaccine distribution centre: With Aviva crowds well used to seeing goals missed, they should accept the inevitable vaccine delays. Sinn Féin data repository: To appease the Irish... Read more »

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ASK AGONY AUNT URSULA!

Ursual Von der Leyen

Share all your intimate problems with Ursula von der Leyen Dear Ursula, I’m still fuming over getting shafted by that Brussels shower just because (I presume) I am a man. I need a way to get my groove back. “Big Phil” H Rather than complaining about being forced to focus on only your enormous gratuity... Read more »

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OLDE TESTAMENT READINGS: STEPHEN ASSURES THE MULTITUDES

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From The Book of Covid, Chapter 19. And lo in the year of 21 there walked amongst the people a man known as Blessed Stephen of Donnelly. And many were filled with fear for a great plague didth trouble the earth. But Stephen said unto the masses: ‘”Fear not, for great is my wisdom and... Read more »

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‘OIRISH’ MOVIE SLAMMED

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By Donald Crank A new movie starring Micheál Martin and Leo Varadkar has been widely criticised for stretching credibility to the limit. Wild Oireachtas Types sees the duo play a couple of politicians who are hopelessly out of their depth, and find themselves caught up in a series of far-fetched adventures. People have reacted with... Read more »

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SINN FÉIN ‘MORE EVIL THAN WE THOUGHT’, SAYS GOVT

Mary Lou McDonald

Government parties have jumped to criticise Sinn Féin’s use of a voter database, which it is alleged violates data protection rights of voters. One Fine Gael spokesperson said: “As soon as Leo Varadkar is finished speaking to gardaí regarding his leaking of privileged state documents, he’ll issue a statement expressing his outrage at this alleged... Read more »

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FORBES GUIDE TO IRELAND

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There’s a lot more to Ireland than rolling green hills and friendly faces. For instance, visitors may not be aware that right in the middle of the Irish countryside is Limerick, Europe’s murder capital. Serial killers brandish colourful machetes as drug lords load up their stolen SUVs with bullet-ridden bodies. And what about the capital... Read more »

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A MESSAGE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLICITY FOR STEPHEN DONNELLY

Donnelly

By Stephen Donnelly There have been a number of nasty rumours lately calling into question the priorities I set for my department. So, I would like to put it beyond doubt that we are working around the clock to address these concerns. I am therefore delighted to announce that this department will be massively ramping... Read more »

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SÉAMUS WOULFE QUARANTINE ADVICE

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The introduction of mandatory hotel quarantine has led to numerous bitter court challenges. Golf-aficionado Mr Justice Séamus Woulfe has suggested a number of humanitarian grounds that would justify immunity from hotel quarantine: A quick 18 in Clifden Starring in a national scandal Putting the boot into ‘appalling’ media coverage

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FAI QUARANTINE EXEMPTIONS PLAN

FAI Logo

Minister for Sport Jack Chambers today confirmed that quarantine exemptions for elite sports will be examined on a “case-by-case basis”. The announcement was immediately welcomed by Ireland coach Stephen Kenny, who agreed that it was absolutely vital to keep all the visiting national teams in lockdown for as long as possible, “Let’s face it, if... Read more »

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MICHAEL TWEE HIGGINS’S BIRTHDAY

Michael D Higgins

To celebrate President Michael Twee’s 80th birthday, Goldhawk spoke to a number of the country’s First Citizen’s closest admirers: Stephen Donnelly I tweeted out my congratulations to Uachtarán Higgins on reaching such an historic milestone. Unfortunately he didn’t mention me by name in his reply. Joe Biden Michael D and I have so much in... Read more »

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HOW IRISH MOTOR INSURANCE COMPANIES SEE YOUR CAR:

cars

Boot: What we put in on your premium at renewal time Breakdown: What happens to punters when they get their new quote Bonnet: Place where drivers keep a bee after they get the renewal quotation! Oil: Stuff found on our palms. Brakes: What happens to the punter’s spirit when he or she engages in bargaining... Read more »

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CALLS FOR IMMEDIATE ROLL-OUT SUSPENSION

syringe

There were growing calls last night for the government to suspend the roll-out of government spokespeople on vaccine roll-out changes following reports of adverse reactions within communities. Symptoms among those who have been needled by the process include severe headaches lasting for hours on end, acute pains in the neck and even instances of blood... Read more »

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MARK ZUCKERBERG’S FACEBOOK UPDATE

Facebook thumbs up

Good morning Facebook friends! Also just want to say hi to Digital Rights Ireland, Russian troll farms, anyone seeking leaked personal information on Facebook users etc. All go around here – another hectic day ahead dealing with fallout from data hacks, and my numerous requests for personal appearances (Senate hearings and parliamentary committees). And what’s... Read more »

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NON-ESSENTIAL SERVICES TO REOPEN

Cash register

There has been a major boost for the political sector with the news that non-essential services are to reopen in May. The move means that TDs will once again be free to fill out expense forms and elbow each other out of the way for photo-ops. The relaxing of restrictions on deputies is also likely... Read more »

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GOOGLE’S ‘DOUBLE IRISH’ BREAKFAST MENU

British breakfast

Egg: Stuff on the face of Ireland’s international reputation Bacon: What Google brings home to its shareholders Sausage: What the government didn’t get from the arrangement Beans: The things their accountants count Toast: What Google raised to our government Coffee: That stuff Paschal Donohoe doesn’t want Joe Biden waking up and smelling Price: $75bn

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MARY LOU ISSUES MORE APOLOGIES!

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In a wide-ranging and revealing interview on our station, the leader of Sinn Féin was forced into admitting her regret that several other tragic historic events had occurred. Aside from apologising (more or less) for the IRA’s killing of Lord Mountbatten in 1979, Mary Lou McDonald separately appeared to say that she was also sorry... Read more »

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SOLIDARITY TAX PLAN

cash

by Our Financial Staff Phil Coffers The proposal from Green Party minister Joe O’Brien for a “one-off solidarity tax” on top earners and firms that were “highly profitable” during the pandemic was immediately welcomed by government colleagues. Speaking on RTÉ’s Mourning Ireland, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar agreed that additional revenue was now more essential than ever.... Read more »

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NEW SUPER-RICH LEAGUE UNVEILED

Cash football

Man United vice-chairman Joel Greedy has hailed the formation of a controversial new ‘European Filthy Rich League’, which will see 20 of the Continent’s top clubs competing to see who will become the most reviled by football fans. “By bringing together football’s greatest clubs, we can ensure that I’ll become even more wealthy,” said Greedy.... Read more »

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‘I’LL LEAVE IF THERE’S A UNITED IRELAND’ – ARLENE

Arlene Foster

by Phil Pages DUP leader Arlene Foster has indicated that she would emigrate permanently in the event of a unified Irish state. “It’s bad enough that we’ve completely run out of wood pellets up here and the PSNI haven’t jailed a single Shinner yet over the Bobby Storey funeral,” said Mrs Foster, “but now there’s... Read more »

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NEW ‘RIGHT TO DISCONNECT’ PRAISED BY WORKERS

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Irish workers have celebrated a new code, created by Tánaiste Leo Varadkar, legislating for their right to disconnect from work. One harangued IT worker said today: “Finally, politicians are focusing on an area where they’re able to bring genuine expertise. For years, government ministers have been completely disconnected from the public and have been utterly... Read more »

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BACK FROM THE BRINK’S ENDANGERED SPECIES

Derek Mooney

Some of the more memorable craturs featured on the Derek Mooney’s show on conservation. Fianna Fáíl Widely regarded as pests, these native animals are in dire danger of extinction. While their population has surprisingly rebounded in recent years, various disasters mean they’re likely to be heavily culled by the public before too long. Rural Pubs... Read more »

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NEW SHOES ‘URGENTLY NEEDED’

Loafers

The cabinet has confirmed the sale of shoes can resume in the near future, following intense public appeals. One irate commentator said: “Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael have been putting their foot in everything lately and trampling all over their critics. They’ve been falling apart at the seams.” One disgruntled TD remarked: “The government are... Read more »

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