FARAGE POUR HOMMES
From the makers of Paco Des Menaces, Farrago de Tales and Eau Non C’est Boris! comes an exhilarating new fragrance that will simply overpower you.
A unique masculine fragrance that lets you project that traditionally British gentleman style. Guaranteed to get you ranting about Meghan Markle and other pushy immigrants destroying the UK.
A truly toxic blend of xenophobia, swivel-eyed racism and just a hint of milkshake will make you irresistible to right-thinking people like yourself.
“Gosh! One dab of Farage and the tabloids are all over you!” – B. J. (London)
MARY MITCHELL O’CONNOR’S COLLEGE ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
1 Use your generous grant allowance to secure a suitable apartment of your choice.
2 This should ensure a decent-sized room in Trinners.
3 Or a standard €11,590 place in Roebuck Castle.
4 If there are any difficulties with your Susi application, simply contact the Higher Education Minister’s office – she’ll definitely sort you out with some top advice.
5 Switch from your bicycle to a nippy brand new e-car and immediately feel the benefits of generous state grants to ease that rent burden.
6 Failing all that, get Mummy and Daddy to pay the €14,900 or so you need for the academic year to share a box room in Rathmines.
(That’s enough Guide – Ed.)
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3717
|Acting like a puppet
||Acting like a muppet
|Leader of Hong Kong
||Behaves like King Kong
|Under pressure from Chinese government
||Under pressure from shareholders
|Responsible for controversial extradition bill
||Responsible for controversial baggage bills
|Wants to keep airport open
||Wants to close airports
|Dealing with angry protesters
||Dealing with angry pilots
|Fluent in English
||Fluent in Chinese whispers
SPORT IN THE OIRISH SUN
Transfer deadline latest
Wayne Dundon has moved from Segregated Cell to Solitari Confinement. Although he remains in the Mountjoy Major League, Limerick-born Dundon is reported to be unhappy with the move, saying, “I was very content where I was. There was a great atmosphere in the dressing room surrounded by the likes of Simmy Carde and Sam Sung. Moving to Solitari is not the transfer I really wanted to be honest – which I’m not”.
There was disappointment too for Dubliner Fat Freddy Thompson, who was hoping for a move from Severe Regime to Open Prizen AFC . “The atmosphere at Severe is toxic. There are too many players in the squad and the dressing room is overcrowded. But the gaffer wants to keep me where I am. I’m determined to get away, but the gaffer has told me I will also miss the next transfer deadline. And maybe a few more after that.”
THE ANGEL VISITS SIMON
A reading from the Book of Doom (Plugs 1:6 – 21)
And in the 19th year, the Angel Politico didst appear and verily asketh of a simple man, known as Simon of Harris, who didst claim to be a great healer, ‘Wouldst thou liketh to lead your people?’ And a great joy filled Simon’s heart and mind as he didst noddeth his head 26 times with great speed. And when Simon didst speaketh, he promised hope to the 10,000 sick that soon they wouldst have a crib of straw to lie on. And he sayeth too that many people didst dance with joy on hearing he giveth the word that they would build a big tent for the children of the land, or at least the children’s children, maybe. “So yes, I am worthy of leading my people” he didth declare to the angel. But on hearing these tidings, the people throughout the land didst look to the Heavens and great was the wailing and gnashing of teeth. And all called out to God, ‘Why hast thou forsaken us?’ Amen.
THE STEFANIE PRISONER COLUMN – THE POWER OF KNOW
Is it just me or does anyone else have a massive issue with beginning an article with “Is it just me”?
“Is it just me” were actually the first words I uttered for the whole of my first month. I took that phrase and milked it for all it was worth. I was brilliant at it.
“Is it JUST me?” “IS it just me?” “Is IT just me?” Yes, I tried them all. But my favourite was “Is it just ME?”
And of course it was! Just ME! And now it still is. Just ME!
I revel in that phrase. I let it sit between my lips, let it melt in my mouth, spit it into the face of anybody who tries to put me down. It works every time. I should know… (continues ad nauseam)
ELECTRIC PICNIC SIDESHOWS
Veteran performer Brendan Howlin draws on newly recycled material dealing with such daily challenges as pissing against the wind and rising from the grave. Hilarious segment on putting faith in the Labour Party.
The Spoken Word
Hear RTÉ wordsmith Dee Forbes defy the conventional boundaries of rhyme and reason as she reflects on the need for more public money to save endangered species, such as Marty Morrissey and Ray Farce, from extinction. Note: Poetic licence needed to see this show – now €300.
Eclectic experience as the once-popular Micheál of the Housemartins plays second fiddle to silver spoon exponent Leo from Sultans of Spin, with Shane ‘Diana’ Ross blowing his own trumpet centre stage. Guaranteed to have you shaking your head.
ONES TO AVOID AT GALWAY RACES
Hay Chess See: Accident-prone old plodder with a worrying reputation for taking the wrong course or refusing to co-operate altogether. Hapless stable soon to be broken up and under-performing creatures dispersed.
Abbotstown Boyo: From the stable that gave us the expensive-to-follow Waterford John, this perennial loser will have claimer S Ross on his back, desperately trying to rein the expensive beast in as usual. Will start friendliness and usual calls to retire to grass will ensue.
Nosebag Donald: Highly strung American rider with an unattractive head carriage and a worrying record of veering violently to the right when under pressure. Blinkers apply as always and sure to disappoint away from home yet again. Glue factory material.
Mayo Robbo: Once-popular filly whose recent form has raised deep concern amongst commentators, not least in Dubai’s Coming Home Stakes, where she came off second best in a photo finish alongside local hope Princess Lost. Punters will neither forget not forgive that disappointment.
Houseless Eoghan: Certainly not one for the mortgage as ongoing failure to fulfill early promise continues. Punters getting tired of excuses from the Blueshirt stables and… (That’s enough also-rans for another year – Ed.)
THE DAILY BORISGRAPH – WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Britain’s future politico tells it like it isn’t
WHAT A week with Bojo going head to head with old Jeremy Hunt, my formal rival-in-arms – who is really a pretty decent chap when all’s said and done!
So, it’s all go in Downing Street again, shoulder to shoulder with the Huntmester in a spanking new Tory Cabinet. We’re 100% united once more and on the proverbial brink of a bright new dawn on the world stage.
As for all this Brexit guff and our chums in Ireland, let’s be clear. What yours truly actually decreed was that I intend to scrap this backstop nonsense for good – which some people wantonly misinterpreted as meaning that in some way I’d be scrapping the backstop.
To be fair to the Irish, they’re not as awful as those mad mullahs, but they’re still never happy. Varadkar himself isn’t a complete oik – but he doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Just shows that people will sometimes go for an obvious no-hoper, I suppose.
Of course, the whole political business takes all sorts – including that Brussels shower. Not that they’re all bad. Take Ursula von der Vatever, for example. Phwoarr! Eminent Euro-style totty, eh? Makes one proud to be back in the saddle where the Boz Man belongs.
THE ‘BOTTLER’ WHO KNEW ME
Brendan always badly wanted to be close to me and was even born three days before me on 1st April. Fools’ Day don’t ye know!!
When I was only really starting out on my stellar career, I was, I believe, the inspiration for the ‘Bottler’ character for Brendan. And that ‘Father of the Bride’ character too.
And I was more than happy to introduce Brendan to many of my Hollywood friends in LA (that’s Hollywood for Los Angeles) such as Frank Sahara, Tommy Davis Senior and, of course, Hairy Combover. To be fair, Brendan was always grateful for the various breaks I gave him.
This is why I have been so happy to speak at length about my career (and Brendan’s of course) over the last harrowing week. The Irish entertainment industry needs a figurehead at a time like this.
Of course, if Brendan were there now, he would be the first to remind you of my own highlights over many decades at the top, including…
(Continued inside p3-10. ‘Brendan Grace: A Life Remembered’ is on p11)
DONALD TRUMP FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Triumph of the Will
Favourite song: Get Back, The Beatles
Favourite TV show: Banged Up Abroad
Favourite food: Red meat
Favourite band: Big Country
Favourite exercise: Races
Favourite colour: White
Favourite clothing: Flares
Favourite website: MyHome.ie
THAT FAI AGENDA
1. Lock the doors
2. Pull down the blinds
3. Re-arrange the chairs
4. Prayer to Saint John of the Poor Delaney
5. Arrangements for upcoming visit to ostrich farm
6. Nominations for post of technician to cover tracks
7. Has anyone seen the accounts ledger and the calculator lately?
8. None of anyone’s business
9. That was a fast 10 minutes
10. Slip out the side door lads while Ross is out the front…
AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIM OF THE MONTH
Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Lisa (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers over recent times. One of countless captured ISIS brides, she is being held in a remote refugee camp on the Syrian border with Iraq.
Lisa previously endured five years of unimaginable boredom in the Irish Defence Forces before transferring to the Air Corps. During a particularly harrowing period of her tragic life, she worked on the government jet and was forced against her will to come into regular contact with self-styled politicians, including Bertie Ahern and Micheál Martin.
In a desperate bid for freedom, the Dundalk woman fled to Syria, where she was immediately coerced into an arranged marriage, and compelled to wear the traditional hijab and forgo all basic make-up (including brow gel and under-eye concealer).
As her reputation continues to be dragged through the Irish media, Lisa is facing even greater suffering and humiliation. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar is threatening to have her sent home to be deradicalised by gardaí and turned into a mindless Fine Gael supporter.
At this critical time, more than ever, she needs all the support and sympathy that she deserves. A candle-lit vigil will be held outside Leinster House on Friday 26th July. No women allowed.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3715
|Problems with visa
||No problems with visa card
|Back in the spotlight
||Fans in the dark
|Always kicking points
||Known for kicking for touch
|Popular with the Dubs
||Not popular with the PAC
|Put back in the Dublin team
||Put on gardening leave
|Always a handful
||Always has hands full
|Hoping to retain Sam Maguire
||Hoping to retain six-figure salary
Those senior Garda retirement packages in full:
- Lifetime supply of Nathan Carter tickets
- ’Dirty Harry’ dvd
- ‘Less of the attitude, pal’ t-shirt
- Functioning breathalyser
- Guide to private security sector
- Free GSOC membership
- Black bin bags for old mobile phones
- Plenty of whitewash
SUMMER SCHOOLS GUIDE
Magill Summer Schoolzzz
Come and listen to some of the most boring men imaginable (and some women) droning on and on about the imminent collapse of capitalism, post-Brexit apocalypse dysfunction and the prospect of irretrievable cultural decline on a global scale. With Fintan Tool, Colm Tóibín Una Mullally, Roddy Doyle, Mary McAleese and Joe O’Connor.
West Kerry Literary Festival
In-depth interviews, long talks, extended launches, round-the-clock exhibitions and various Dublin-centric events. Guest speakers include Anne Enright, Germaine Greer, Una Mullally, Margaret Atwood, Louise O’Neill, Ruby Wax and Margaret Drivel. This year’s provocative theme is “Ooh! Aren’t Men Awful!”
Sligo Snooze Festival
Celebrity literary couple Zadie Smith and Nick Laird head up this year’s three-week event, but ignore the rest of the programme at your peril. Better still, just stay in the pub and avoid having to meet Richard Dawkins, Fintan Tool, Una Mullally, Jawn Banville etc. etc. (That’s enough awful summer schools – Ed.)
MORE WAREHOUSES FACE CLOSURE
By our security insurance correspondent Heidi Hole
The cost of insurance is having a detrimental effect on the warehousing business, with many in the sector threatened with closure in the near future. The most recent closure came as a particular shock to the industry. And it could be 10 years before it opens again.
As many of these warehouses are responsible for the importation and storage of extremely valuable merchandise, the cost of ensuring that it is kept out of the hands of thugs, like the notorious CAB gang, has been escalating. Protection costs – manpower and the hardware they must carry – have been rising steadily.
A spokesperson for the sector, Mr Noah Boddie (not his real name) said: “Nobody can be guaranteed to keep his warehouse operating under the current circumstances. We are being gouged by the state. Somebody has to do something if the young people of Ireland are ever to believe that crime really does pay.”
WAREHOUSE CLOSING DOWN SALE
Nobody does it better!
- Nine revolvers
- Four semi-automatic pistols
- Sub-machine guns
- Glock pistols
- Assault rifles
- 1,355 rounds of ammunition
- 42 balaclavas, black
- Assorted ‘Scarface’, ‘Sopranos’ and ‘Love/Hate’ DVDs
So bite the bullet now and try to get here before the Garda.
Free ‘Arsenal’ replica shirt.
GUNS’R’US Warehouse Regency Road, Crumbling, Dublin
RE-OPENING SOON…NEW VENUE…NEW MANAGEMENT
COUNTRY DIVIDED OVER TIME CHANGES
FOLLOWING the EU’s controversial decision to end seasonal clock changes, Ireland is still undecided about which time zone is better for the country.
“It would be profoundly serious if two different time zones were to exist on the island,” said justice minister Charlie Flanagan yesterday.
However, there has been a different reaction in Northern Ireland.
“Loyalists have always been perfectly happy keeping everything exactly as it is,” commented DUP Leader Arlene Foster last night. “God-fearing Protestants are quite content with being 300 years behind. Indeed, Standard Daylight Doomsday Time has prove to have enormous benefits – particularly to our political health.”
NEW LOOK HSE TO THRIVE
Health minister Simon Harris moved to reassure the public last night that a reconstructed HSE “will easily cope” with half a dozen simultaneous debacles if the current structure is broken into regional jurisdictions.
“Rest assured that every regional head will have had vast experience in dealing with every conceivable scandal and disgraceful episode imaginable,” said a confident minister yesterday. “In fact, it should be even easier to defer panic by pretending nothing is wrong when it affects a far smaller number of locals, instead of citizens all over the country, as has been the case in recent decades.
The Minister for Health and Excuses added that, in the case of another cervical smear test type scandal, for example, the numbers affected by the mishandling of almost everything to do with the issue could be pretty miniscule under the new proposed regime.
“It might not even attract the attention of the gutter media and so it would be business as usual, which is what we all want at the end of the day, don’t we?”
HOW SLÁINTECARE WILL WORK
Nurses: Regional staff will enjoy the option of individual walk-outs or waiting until discontent spreads and joining an all-out national strike.
Beds: Punters, sorry, patients will still enjoy access to no beds for six days in line with established practice.
Grievances/complaints: Patients who have been seriously wronged or even merely misled may bang their heads off a brick wall in an easily accessible regional head office rather than travelling to Dublin. Area bosses will be permitted to explain things to Joe Duffy in their own words from the downloaded script.
Urgent appointment with a consultant: Clubhouse 20 minutes before teeing off as usual.
NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES
Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb, with fleece so shiny white
It followed her to school one day to learn to read and write
But uniform and books and quill cost a grand at least
Oh how the mums and dads did cry to see the lamb being fleeced.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill in joyful mood and laughter
But clumsy Jack tripped on the track and sprained his wrist thereafter
“I’m not to blame, I’ll make a claim,” he cried, as Jill agreed
They took the stand and fifty grand was what the judge decreed.
POST-BREXIT MEDIA CHAOS AFTER OCTOBER 31ST
IT’S NOW likely that every one of the country’s leading companies will pull out of Ireland en masse if there is a no-deal Brexit on October 31st.
“Ireland is facing its greatest crisis since the foundation of the state,” said Rebecca Crisis of the Irish Times. “No wonder people are filled with horror when they read their newspapers every morning,” she added.
The main downside for media like the Irish Times and RTÉ is that, when a decision is finally actually made on the imposition or otherwise of a no-deal Brexit, “it will be hard to import new material to substitute for the huge output of our hysteria division,” explained Phil Space.
It appears that, in the event of an actual outcome from the Brexit negotiations, stories will dry up immediately and there will be long queues on Google, presumably focused on international stories.
URSULA VON DER LEYEN WUNDERFRAU
Who is she – the new president-elect of the European Commission?
A former gynaecologist and mother of 14, Ursula von der Leyen has left European capitals abuzz this week as she prepares to take on the EU’s toughest job. After a distinguished 23-year career in Brussels working under Otto Handintill and Rene La Payola in charge of the prestigious Paperclip Directorate, Ursula stormed to the top of German politics.
She currently sits on over 100 advisory boards and consultative organisations, including the important Organic Olives Licensing Agency. As defence minister, von der Leyen took personal responsibility for modernising the country’s armed forces by closing them down completely.
However, the Bundestag, which investigated accusations of systematic malpractice within her department, found no fault whatsoever with the minister’s thoroughly suspicious conduct.
Ursula continues to be a symbol of European elegance and chic, with round-the-clock photo opportunities. With her glamorous looks and high-flying lifestyle, it was no surprise that her close friend, Chancellor Merkel, recently put her in charge of Mismanagement and Sado-Nepotism.
While some question her suitability for Europe’s top job, there is widespread agreement that von der Leyen is the ideal choice to succeed the out-going president, Jean-Claude Juncket.
Whenever I think of Wimbledon, it always brings back painful reminders of how I have chosen to serve, only to be called out and said to be at fault by the assorted bas***ds who chose to betray me for their own political ends.
Anything to do with the courts is of course of great interest to me and that is why it is most imperative that I am there to greet the winning jockey as he or she come out of the water.
It’s my favourite game! That combination of a racket, taking a swing, playing ball – and, of course, the court – has me on the edge of my seat with anticipation. Oops… there I nearly go again!
It always leaves me completely baffled how, when a crisis threatens, they somehow manage to get that roof over everyone’s heads. Bizarre.
THOSE SCHOOL GENDER DIRECTIVES
- History to be replaced by theirstory
- Manholes on premises to be designated personholes
- Geography to avoid focusing on any one place in favour of a more fluid approach
- Pink salmon and bluefin tuna to be replaced on school menu with grey mullet
- Biology to be banned
- Chemistry to avoid reference to any pH less than or greater than 7
- Grammar studies to focus only on acceptable use of pronouns
- Gym classes to be limited to walking on eggshells
THE DAILY TORYGRAPH – MEET MY TEAM!
Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t
Yikes! Just days to go before the ghastly Mrs May finally rides off into the sunset, leaving yours truly in charge. So who are my team? Let me introduce them:
- First up is the PM, the head honcho in complete charge of everything. And, of course, that’s me. No further discussion!
- Then there’s the chap dealing with economic stuff and all that dull day-to-day borrowing tosh that our good chums in the banking world know about – so again, good old Bojo’s the boy for that role.
- As for the fellow in charge of home affairs – well, that’s obviously Bozza’s specialty (just ask the grumbling ex-wives, eh?) and it’s me again at the helm there.
- One of the top-notch jobs is Brexit. Bit of a mess so far. But with me in charge, the UK will soon be booming again – thanks to spanking new trade deals with Mesopotamia and Narnia.
- Foreign affairs I know about and can rely on my new pal Trumpy for hands-on advice. Can’t wait to get back in the saddle visiting glamorous hot-spots – not to mention all that exotic totty. Phworr!
(That’s enough Boris – Ed.)
ORANGE PARADE ROUTE ANNOUNCED
Departing from Tango Avenue, the march will proceed in a God-fearing straight line to Crimson Street, where it will swing right past the third set of police barricades.
It will then trample across the barricaded entrance to Papist Mews, during which the band will strike up ‘We are the Champions’ by Her Majesty the Queen.
The Order will proceed along Nectarine road past the line of German Shepherds and round the back of Fanta Hall, where a wreath will be laid at the tomb of the Unknown Gurrier.
The march will return by Tangerine Road, pausing to salute the memory of King Billy by the water cannons, before swinging left just before the mounted police outside the No Surrender pub and into Shield & Baton Walk, where the march ends.
We ask that everyone behave in a peaceful fashion throughout and that an enjoyable day is had by all in this era of mutual trust and free expression for the province.
WORKING FOR PENNEYS!
Child workers all over impoverished areas of Asia proudly raised their voices in celebration this week as Penneys, an Irish company that has been providing employment in the regions for years, celebrated 50 years in business. “We work for pennies,” they chanted, while banging the tables with their fists and tears of joy streamed down their cheeks. “We work for pennies.”
EU/MERCOSUR BEEF MENU
Old Ma Hogan’s Scrambled Egg (on face)
Meat Ballsup with mishy mash
Imported Beef in a chlorine jus Steaks (are high)
South American Bread Rolls
Gaucho Fillet (of wallet) With deep-fried Oodles of Cash
Rich (Argentinian) pickings
Traditional Creed Waffle and Fudge Sauce
(making a) Mint Tea
Usual Selection of IFA Whines
THAT SINN FÉIN RESHUFFLE
- Fianna Fáil outreach: Mary Lou McDonald
- Poppies: Liadh Ní Riada
- Active age: Gerry Adams
- Leadership material: Pearse Doherty
- U-turns: Martin Ferris?
- Designer stubble: Eoin Ó Broin
- Annoying Simon Harris: Louise O’Reilly
DEFENCE FORCES PAY RISE “ESSENTIAL”
by Our Industry Staff Phil Front-Page
Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe yesterday defended the decision to abandon the pay cap in the public sector for the country’s defence forces. Speaking on RTÉ, he said, “It’s absolutely vital that we give the army a little more money – especially as they are going to be working much harder over the coming months dealing with industrial action from hospital workers and teachers.”
He continued, “It’s inevitable that there will be union walk-outs, disruptive marches and other street demonstrations – all of which will need to be controlled – and that is going to put serious pressure on public finances.”
The minister concluded, “The Government is determined that our soldiers are well-paid and motivated at this crucial time. Otherwise, we won’t be able to support the Garda in arresting militant troublemakers out to spoil things for Leo and me.”
LEO’S CARDINAL SIN
The Catholic Church has demanded a swift apology from Leo Varadkar following his controversial comments about the organisation. During a heated Dáil exchange, the taoiseach compared Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin to a “sinning priest”. This prompted uproar among members of the clergy, who were stunned by the comparison drawn with a senior member of FF.
According to one curate, “Obviously the Catholic Church in Ireland has made some mistakes, but drawing analogies between us and Mr Martin – a member of the odious and shameful 1997-2011 regime – is simply beyond the Pale. It’s not as if we bankrupted the state or set up the HSE,” he said.
The Fine Gael leader was heavily criticised on social media. One Twitter user described his outburst as “over the top and needlessly cruel”.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714a
|Kept in battery cages
||Keeps getting battered in cages
||Pelted bin at bus
|Hunted for fur
||Hunted by press
|Related to weasel
||Relates to Dana White
|Hides used for clothing
||Unable to hide from trouble
|Promoted as ideal fur brand
||Always promoting his own brand
||Loves rabbiting on
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714
||Acts like royalty
|Acts like Robbo’s friend
||Claims to be the princess’s best friend ever
|Really annoys Sheikh Mohammad
||Really annoys lots of people
|Considers herself more important than the other wives
||Considers herself more important than everyone
|Fled to London
||Fled to the UN
|Desperate to fade into the background
||Desperate to fade into the foreground
BORIS TO BOUNCE INTO FAI SHOCK!
WHILE THE FAI has dismissed suggestions that Boris Johnson could be the next chief executive of the troubled organisation, the rumour refuses to go away.
The one-time shoo-in for UK prime minister has watched his poll ratings plummet on foot of a high-profile ‘off the ball’ tackle last week and football observers here say that ‘Bojo’ is exactly the kind of chancer required to make the FAI great again.
While Johnson has much in common with former CEO John Delaney – including an eye for spotting blonde talent – it is believed that the tubby Tory has a firmer grasp of the politics of the modern game, particularly in Europe.
Johnson would apparently “drag the FAI kicking and screaming into the 21st century and maybe jammy us a tournament qualification”, said one anonymous supporter. “We are not going to do that inside the existing system.”
Suggesting that the time for diplomacy has passed, the insider noted, “If we want to be strong players in Europe, we need to tell the bureaucrats in UEFA where they can stick their qualifying groups and seeding systems. That is fine for the big countries, like German and France, which have the whole thing sewn up. But for the Republic of Ireland, it’s a case of drawing the short straw just because of our so-called piss poor ‘rankings’.
“We have nothing to fear from Boris’s bluster. After all, we have regularly crashed out at the group stage, deal or no deal.”