SHOPPING BREAKS OUT AT LIDL STORE
by Our Retail Staff Phil Trolley
DUBLIN LOOTERS reacted angrily last night after dramatic social media footage allegedly showed crowds of shoppers inside a recently refurbished Lidl supermarket in the southwest of the city.
“It’s a disgraceful situation when free-for-all shopping is openly on display,” said one local hooligan. “Hordes of people are just wandering around the place carrying plastic bags filled with items they have purchased while young children are present.”
Said another yob: “We came here expecting stormy weather conditions where we could easily hijack a JCB and rob the ATM safe. The last thing we ever imagined is the completely sickening sight of customers at the check-out paying for some last-minute, back-to-school bargains.”
However, uniformed gardaí who arrived quickly at the scene assured the public that such brazen commercial conduct would not be tolerated.
IRELAND OF THE WELCOMES
SMURFIT KAPPA VENEZUELA
• The Good Fight, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm One woman’s battle with the system as she sets out to become the only face on RTÉ television and the only voice of RTÉ radio. Harrowing stuff featuring Miriam O’Callaghan and, er, no one else.
• Killing Leo, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm An ambitious young politician makes his way up the ladder using every means necessary, stepping on bodies along the way and displaying a chilling ruthlessness. One target remains – and he has the top job in the land. Starring Simon Harris.
• Ireland’s Rich Bastards List, RTÉ Two, Thursday, 9.30pm Joe O’Shea reveals just how inadequate your life is by counting down the top 30 plutocrats in Ireland. Various pundits attempt to explain how the bastards got so rich but since they are mere PAYE paupers, they haven’t got a clue.
O’CONNOR’S SHOW BRINGS VIEWERS TO TEARS
By our arts and entertainment correspondent – Donal Lynch-Mobbe
The several people who admitted to watching his new tv show — Brendan O’Connor’s Time Up — have said that after watching it, they just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
Commenting on viewer feedback O’Connor said: “Well, the guests are totally in awe of me. They’re not perfect (like me) but they did have a kind of authenticity.
“Okay, so several viewers had a pop at me, saying it was the most boring show they had ever watched. Get over it. I will.
I’m having a new brooding-look pic taken this afternoon. And it doesn’t matter what they think because RTÉ will give me another show regardless!”
RTÉ LAUNCHES ITS NEW SEASON
NEW SAINTS ANNOUNCED
The Vatican has announced that the following people will be canonised by Pope Francis during his visit to Ireland:
The saintly Norah will be recognised for her tireless work on behalf of the coping classes and her miraculous ability to generate buckets of publicity out of thin air.
The former president will replace St Jude as the patron saint of hopeless causes, missing invitations, cancelled speaking engagements and women’s symposiums etc.
Michael D Higgins
Catholic officials confirmed Michael D to be a blessed person after he managed to escape crucifixion shortly after he racked up a large bill at a posh hotel in Switzerland.
The author of The Book of Homeless Numbers is venerated by beard enthusiasts throughout all of Christendom.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Deals in miracles
|Delivers homily in Phoenix Park
||Moves homeless out of Phoenix Park
|Lots of people anointed
||Lots of people annoyed
|Prays to the Lord
||Prays to landlords
Fellow Irish devotees, saintly greetings to my countless religious fans. Yes, it’s Francis here – literally – for more sold-out stadium gigs with his legendary “jolliness”. As always, I come in complete humility as the infallible leader of the world’s 1.3 billion faithful.
So who’s your spiritual daddy, eh? Pontiff festive fever is everywhere. Commemorative pope-on-a-rope soap, solar-powered fridge magnets, an Irish-style break-dancing Frankie sock puppet, plastic mugs that glow in the dark – and everything in the best possible taste.
No wonder so many of Ireland’s political leaders – and also Micheál Martin – flock to get a glimpse of my famous beatific smile and ultra-gleaming white vestments. How they love to have selfies with yours truly. Of course, a special audience with the DUP peeps would not be sneezed at. Arlene Foster may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but we both agree on all the basics – bans on abortion, strong liquor, the gayness, etc.
So why-oh-why does Vlad Varadkar persist with this same-sex rainbow marriage nonsense? After all, was it Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden? No way, my mistaken friend!
Next stop has to be breaking America – even if it means teaming up with wacky Donald and his crazy ideas abut the nuclear family. We have so much in common – and I can’t wait to check out why he wears that ridiculous thing on his head.
LOWRY’S LATEST IS HARD TO SWALLOW
Fresh from the news that Gerry Adams is to publish a cook book, Michael Lowry has announced that he has just signed a two-book deal with Revenue Publishing.
His first book, How my books were cooked, has already been published and will shortly be followed by a second – How My Goose is Cooked – in which he will reveal his secret recipe for staying in public life for so long.
The launch will take place in Hartigans pub after the All-Ireland football final.
All profits will be donated to an as yet unspecified relief-of-debt fund. A third book, The Book Of Evidence, is also being considered, according to sources.
THAT PAPAL DRIVE-BY
1 Stretch Skoda – Pope Francis, President-for-Life Michael Twee, entire Cabinet
2 Prison Van – Mary McAleese, Ms Panti Bliss, “Say Nope To The Pope” protesters, etc
3 Mobile Mortuary – Mr B Howlin and small band of Labour TDs
4 Pop-Up PR Media Bandwagon – Conor Pope, Maeve Sheen, assorted born-again religious hacks, etc.
5 Gatecrasher HGV – The Blessed Norah Casey, St Bono, Wee Daniel and Missus, etc
6 Stolen Bicycle – Michael Healy-Rae
7 Open Stretch Coffin – Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another
Winding 25-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession
The Pope’s car revealed
MADIGAN BLAMES SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EVERYTHING
By Dee Lete
MINISTER for Culture Josepha Madigan has again called for the immediate regulation of social media, amidst growing alarm over people criticising or slagging off politicians (Surely denigrating free speech? – Ed)
Minister Mad Again says her warning has “nothing to do” with the fact that social media users constantly bring up her steamy potboiler, Negligent Behaviour, whenever her name is mentioned online.
The minister and erotic novelist (You mean ‘great literary mind’ surely? – Ed) warned against “taking it lying down and without resistance being mounted”.
“We have to stand up for ourselves and say ‘no’ to these social media giants like Facebook and Twitter instead of ‘yes, yes! Oh god yes!’”
THOSE CAO STATISTICS IN FULL
83% – increase in sales of Buckfast and Pot Noodle during month of September
2000% – rise in applications for fake IDs
92% – surge in angry listeners contacting Joe Duffy about drunk young people
68% – drop in students taking phone calls from their parents during academic year
55% – decrease in those eating healthily once they leave home
34% – decline in undergrads getting up before noon
Favourite film: The Invention of Lying
Favourite song: Poison, Alice Cooper
Favourite TV show: The Big C
Favourite band: The Killers
Favourite food: Whopper
Favourite river: The Nile
Favourite game: Double-dealing
Favourite colour: Whitewash
Favourite exercise: Spin
Favourite snack: Just deserts
That new Garda HQ
POPE REBUFFS IRELAND’S MOST POPULAR WOMAN
By social affairs correspondent Goldie Fawn
A spokesperson for the Pontiff has refuted suggestions that Pope Francis will meet Nora Casey, Ireland’s most photographed woman.
Casey who has regularly— if not exactly relevantly — appeared on our TV screens and whose picture has appeared more often than any other woman in (her own) magazines has been outspoken in her call for change management in the church.
Casey is arguing that women should not just aim to be priests but bishops. As Bishop Casey, Nora says she would change most aspects of how the church is run.
Masses would take place in hallowed halls like The Ivy, St. Roly’s, and St. Shanahan’s. Boring old bread and wine would be replaced by artisan “tear’n’share” breads and top-end French wines.
New dioceses would be created with desirable titles such as Rathmines & Rathgar, Klliney & Dalkey.
The ubiquitous Casey would also provide women with vocation-style training and mentoring. And lots of media coverage of course.
‘SILLY SEASON’ STORY AT DUBLIN ZOO
Animal-lovers throughout the country have welcomed the arrival of an August silly season story at Dublin Zoo.
There was immediate speculation last night that the traditional holiday story might possibly have escaped from a nearby media circus.
Some local residents in the vicinity of the Phoenix Park expressed concern about the safety of their families, saying that they intended to barricade themselves indoors while the story was on the loose.
“All we know for certain is that there is a massive, desperate media pack roaming about the country at present,” said one fearful householder.
“It’s just far too dangerous to go outside where these prowling journalists could pounce out of nowhere, asking for comments about the heartwarming story and how overjoyed we all are at this unexpected feel-good development.”
That U2 Visitor Centre
ANGER AS RYANAIR FLIGHT TAKES OFF
By Dee Pressed
THOUSANDS of angry Ryanair passengers expressed fury at the airline’s desks around the world yesterday, after their flights were not cancelled. The passengers took off on schedule and arrived exactly on time at airport within a day of where they wanted to go.
Said one fuming passenger in Switzerland, “It was appalling! We got the full Ryanair service, just as we feared.
“I’d heard horror stories in recent days but never thought it could be that bad. I spent the whole trip with my knees pressed against my ears.
“My sister had her flight cancelled, switched to another airline and arrived smiling. How dare they fly as normal! I feel sick!”
THOSE PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS IN FULL
As the Irish presidential race gathers more hopefuls, seven more totally serious candidates have entered the picture:
1. June Rodgers – Panto Queen
2. Twink – Panto Queen
3. Gavin Lambe-Murphy – Remember him?
4. “Mattress Mick” Flynn – Sleep-solution magnate
5. Dr Eva Orsmond – OK, she’s from Finland but why not?
6. Richie Kavanagh – Poet and Gaeilgeoir
7. Bertie Ahern – Former Taoiseach and expert gambler
Favourite Film: Ruthless People
Favourite Song: Our House – Madness
Favourite TV Show: Decimate
Favourite Sport: Boxing clever
Favourite Band: Lone Star
Favourite Animal: Vulture
Favourite Food: Dough
Favourite Exercise: Kicking out
Favourite Magazine: Hustler
Favourite Instrument: Doldrums
FAREWELL TO EAMO…
The world of football punditry has been rocked to its foundations by the news that the author of such seminal works as ‘Matt Busby, Baby,’ and ‘Keen’ has finally retired from RTÉ.
“I always agreed with whatever Gilesy said so, when John left RTÉ, I had nothing of my own to contribute,” he admitted before chucking a biro at this reporter.
Here’s what his contemporaries had to say:
Ronaldo: “That fella Dunphy was a cod.”
Messi: “Nunca escuché de él!” (I never heard of him!)
John Giles: “He was a good pundit, not a great pundit.”
Jack Charlton: “Bitter little man.”
Eason Biro: “After he threw me, I was black and blue (and available in green and red too.)”
Roy Keane: “Langer!”
John Waters: “F**king B****cks!”
• Time Out with Brendan O’Connor: RTÉ One, 9.35PM
Yes, RTÉ have given Brenny Hill another programme!
The Corkman interviews luminaries such as Majella O’Donnell and Michael Harding.
Who knows? Maybe even Bertie will show up!
NO-DEAL BREXIT: PANIC STORIES SPREAD
by Our Political Staff Martin Wail
ARE you terrified? You should be. The latest Brexit negotiations have been marked by a wave of scare-mongering media reports about the catastrophic prospects of a No-Deal exit from the EU.
These dramatic stories have been spreading far and wide into all corners of the national media. Editors are seemingly powerless to stop their resident doom merchants from prattling on about the Mad Maxesque ramifications of a No-Deal Brexit.
Over the last month, one esteemed columnist has been particularly active in using his Irish Times column to warn readers to prepare for the worst by stocking up on bottled water, processed cheese, Tayto and Mi Wadi.
“Karl Marx said that everything happens twice,” he wrote, “first as tragedy then as one of my Orwell Prize-winning columns.”
ON OTHER PAGES
Fintan Tool: Help! Oh No! We’re all going to die! p 2-7
POPE’S ITINERARY AMENDED
10.00: Received at Dublin airport by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Brace for sock-related photo op.
10.01: Vow never to fly Ryanair again.
10.35: Get cornered by Marty Morrissey and promise to pray for RTÉ.
11.00: Take phone call from Blessed Bono and receive blessing followed by advice on how to address world hunger, war, discrimination, natural disasters, Donald Trump, tax bands, etc, etc.
12.30: Get stuck in Dublin traffic due to Luas incident and demonstrations by child protection organisations, women priest advocates, HIV and AIDS support agencies, Sinéad O’Connor, the far-right, left-handed black transgender forced adoption campaigners and nuns against tea bags.
15.00: TV3 interview with the Xposé girls on why white never goes out of fashion.
15.45: Finally hang up on Bono.
18.00: Poetry reading session at Áras an Uachtaráin.
RAIN CLOUDS GATHER FOR FACEBOOK
Two women and a branded umbrella were called in before the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Communications regarding the content moderation policy of violent and harmful content on Facebook.
The women were there to answer questions. The umbrella was there for cover.
The Marker Hotel announced that were very happy with the coverage that the umbrella received. The umbrella remained silent throughout the session.
OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY – IRISH LEXICON UPDATE
Kitt | verb
• To saturate the front pages of newspapers with ridiculous filler stories. E.g. “Who do they think all those lazy hacks are kitting with that awful filler rubbish about some musician complaining that Dublin rents are too high?”
Duff | adjective
• Irish slang expression to describe someone who affects manners and opinions of a loudmouth Dublin taxi-driver. E.g. “That duff bloke was on RTÉ again shooting his mouth off about how the GAA hate soccer players.”
Ross | noun
• English vernacular. To care about nothing other than courting publicity. E.g. “Some self-important people don’t give a ross about pandering to old people in the hope of gaining a few votes.”
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Original name was Clay
||Currently his name is mud
|Stung like a bee
||Stung by criticism
|Refused to fight in Vietnam
||Pretends to fight Varadkar
|Convert to Islam
||Convert to populism
|Beat Sonny Liston
||Leadership is listing
|Threw Olympic medal into Ohio River
||Threw away big poll lead
|Bashed opponents in the ring
||Hates Brit bashing
FAI TO ASK FOR SEMPLE STADIUM
FAI chief John Delaney is reported to have contacted the GAA to request the use of Semple Stadium in Thurles for another soccer benefit match.
“This time the game will be between Bray Wanderers and Limerick” said Delaney. “As you know, both sets of players went a while there without getting paid. In a way, they were a bit like GAA players until it all got sorted.
“We hope that the match will raise sufficient funds (after the FAI has taken its cut) to make up for any potential loss of earnings. We picked Thurles because it is a similar distance from both clubs so the players should not incur too much expense in getting there”.
Gavin Duffy’s Amazon Recommendations
FIANNA FÁIL ABSTENTIONISM SLAMMED
By Pól Corr
SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to drop his controversial policy of abstentionism.
The Cork South-Central TD has come in for considerable criticism following his decision to abstain from this year’s presidential election.
This follows on from Fianna Fáil’s continued boycott of the European Parliament, failure to contest elections north of the border despite repeatedly saying they would do so and abstaining from numerous Fine Gael votes.
Sinn Féin president Mary Lou McDonald claimed it was time for Martin to put party politics aside and pull on the green jersey.
“It’s becoming increasingly clear that Fianna Fáil’s reckless and indulgent behaviour is damaging confidence in politics.Just yesterday I heard Stephen Donnelly talking about rejoining the Social Democrats. It’s gone way beyond a joke,” she said.
MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS
It’s the Sahara Desert for me! Everyone knows how much I love wide open spaces. My colleagues often remark how I encourage people to look up and see the wonder of the moon and stars without the impediment of a roof over their heads. Magic!
I’m actually going to stay in Dublin this year. A friend of mine went on one of those Dáil tours and says you get to sit in the Taoiseach’s chair! To be able to sit in it for a whole 10 weeks is an opportunity I’ll probably never get again.
It’s a busman’s holiday for me as I’m off to the Peruvian jungle to study what sounds like very advanced medical practices. I plan to visit a community where new cutting-edge hammock technology has doubled ward capacity. Fantastic!
I hope to bring home several revolutionary initiatives to improve our services.
RYANAIR INCIDENT REPORT
Company: Ryanair again
Date: Friday 13th (Wouldn’t you just know it!)
What was it this time?: Emergency landing, passengers petrified. Oddly, nothing to do with pissed customers, pilots on strike, stranded passengers, etc…
Summary of investigation: Investigators believe a multitude of factors contributed to the situation, most notably high pressure in the cabin (among the crew), plummeting confidence, rapidly descending belief, pride entering a tailspin and most identifiably bleeding earfuls from the high-flying CEO with his head in the clouds.
Recommendations: Aer Lingus, BA, Easyjet…
UK’S LATEST BREXIT STRATEGY
1. New Brexit Secretary to continue sending EU officials into deep sleep
2. Gove to stab Boris in the back again before he causes more trouble
3. Insist that warring Tory factions are really best friends
4. And that the Irish Border fiasco will be a great success
5. Hint at another billion for Mrs Foster’s DUP crowd
6. Keep doing secret deals with Jacob Rees-Mogg’s hard Brexiteers
7. This will surely prolong the chaotic Brexit talks for several months
8. Allowing Mrs Mayday to escape to the Swiss Alps for a while
9. Might just get us all through to the autumn. Phew!
10. Er… er… That’s it
IAN PAISLEY JNR FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Total Recall
Favourite song: Holiday, Madonna
Favourite TV show: Getaways
Favourite detective: Columbo
Favourite animal: Tamil Tigers
Favourite exercise: Kickbacks
Favourite food: Gravy
Favourite magazine: The Advocate
Favourite hobby: Alms taking
Favourite colour: Red-handed
NEW ÁRAS CANDIDATES UNEARTHED!
By Jay C. Bee
IN THEIR latest astounding discovery, archaeologists excavating at Newgrange, Co Meath, have dug up three more candidates for the Irish presidency.
The finds were made when excavators “plumbed the very depths”, according to leading archaeologist, Professor Luis Stones.
“They are unique, pre-historic fossils that have possibly become un-henged over time,” says the professor. “But they are well preserved for their age, possibly having been stewed in fine port for lengthy periods of their existence. Obviously they don’t have anything of significance to say about modern living and will not be out of place in the 2019 contest.”
Varadkar promises ‘scorched earth’ in UN seat bid
TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has defended the government’s modus operandi as it continues to seek support for an Irish seat at the UN Security Council.
The campaign began with invitations issued to every ambassador in the world to attend a U2 concert in New York amid reports that further face-to-face meetings with Bono were already being organised for UN officials and diplomats everywhere.
“So what if we opt to target the diplomatic sector with extreme prejudice for two years,” explained an unrepentant Mr Varadkar last night. “It’s a legitimate tactic in all campaigns. The use of carpet-concerting is accepted in theatres of political war and we have thus far held off from using our diplomats to blast U2 music 24 hours a day outside foreign embassies around the world – a tactic that proved successful in the past when adopted by the US government in Operation Noriega.”
The Taoiseach expanded on his tactics (part of the Global Goosestep policy for doubling the amount of people annoyed with Ireland by 2040), noting that UN diplomats need merely to “commit their votes to us and we’ll call off Bono”.
Ominously, Mr Varadkar added that he was prepared to “go nuclear” by re-commissioning the intercontinental Mary Robinson, claiming nowhere was safe as she has a range of “far far too long”. He did, however, say that bad chemistry attacks were not on his wish list and that the Matt Cooper/Ivan Yates combination would remain sealed in a secluded industrial unit in Dublin 24.
But when pushed by anxious journalists, Mr Varadkar refused to rule out the future introduction of Dermot Bannon if progress was not evident: “There is no room for compassion in this one.”
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Attacks the opposition
||Attacks the press
|Media are obsessed with him
||He’s obsessed with the media
|Out of the World Cup
||Out of his depth
|Compared to Maradona
||Compared to Trump
|Carries Argentinian team most of the time
||Carries gym clothes at all times
||Avoids tackling big problems
SPOT THE HEADER
O’Neill slams World Cup style
By Shane Longball
REPUBLIC OF IRELAND boss Martin O’Neill’s plans to “fail better” are going swimmingly, according to the man himself. O’Neill took over from Giovanni Trapattoni after the failure to qualify for the Brazil World Cup but has continued the old Irish tradition of throwing away early leads, forgetting to defend as a unit, missing easy chances and speaking gibberish in post-match press conferences.
“I think if we had’ve scored more than them we would’ve won,” said O’Neill after the loss to Serbia. “I see us failing much better this time around and I’m sure we’ll have the last laugh when Germany go home with something barely credible, like a 4-0 win or something equally pathetic. When Georgia come here and take a point they’ll be raging they didn’t get all three.”
GUILTY PLEASURES #15,000
Whatever the outcome, I always celebrate with
Vin de Cated
says Michael Lowry about his favourite whine:
A cheeky little number (15,000) with just the merest hint of sour Garuda grapes.
JULY 12TH SPECIAL!
STORY DROUGHT CONTINUES
THE PUBLIC has been warned that the drought in non weather-related stories is expected to continue. The warm climate has led to an upsurge of coverage on sunshine to the detriment of other areas and many media outlets believe this dry spell will continue until August at least. Met experts said that hot air and the silly season arriving at the same had caused the tedious conditions.
Latest: Irish theatre talent unveiled