Category: Craic & Codology

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3806

StD 3806

Joe Biden Donald Trump Man who was vice president Man who has many vices Served with Barack Obama Always barracking about Obama Lives in Delaware Lives in his own reality Presumptive nominee Presumed to have colluded with Russia No spring chicken Only eats fried chicken... Read more »

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4 ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED ABOUT COVID-19

Irish Daily Scare

How worried should I be about the virus? We are still in the early stages of identifying successful treatments for the virus. In the absence of a vaccine, an overabundance of information is the next best thing. You should endeavour to consume as many fear-mongering,... Read more »

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GIANT HAND-GEL DISPENSING FLOAT UNVEILED AHEAD OF PATRICK’S DAY PARADE

Hand Gel Float

The HSE has revealed its proposed float for the Patrick’s Day parade – a vast grain silo, adapted to fit thousands of gallons of hand gel affixed to the back of a former missile-carrier, purchased from an ex-Soviet state. The vehicle was intended to shower... Read more »

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TV PREVIEW: THE GUARDS – INSIDE THE SQUAD

Armed Garda Unit

Episode 2: When the chips are down Fascinating insight into how Ireland’s finest deal with tragedy as a sudden braking manoeuvre causes an entire chicken supper and French fries to scatter on to the floor and between the seats. It’s a race against time before... Read more »

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SIR BOB’S…YAWN…UPCOMING MEMOIRS

Geldof Book

May 1952 Speaking as an angry baby, I am utterly disgusted by the total power imbalance apropos all these corrupt parental establishment fookers. I may know little about the world per se, but I know what it’s like to be bald and helpless, so I... Read more »

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ARMAGEDDON OUTTAHERE!

Eoghan Harass Talk about crypto-fascist chickens coming home to roost! Everything I predicted about the Satanic Shinners is coming to pass. The warning signs were there in the run-up to the recent election. Massive murals of Mary Lou McDonald and her conniving associates suddenly appeared... Read more »

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HSE EXPECTS SURGE IN CASES

Exponential Feature

“The number of people infected with the virus has been roughly doubling week by week in most affected countries,” said health minister Simon Harris. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit that maths isn’t my forte,” he continued, unveiling a hastily constructed graph, “But if... Read more »

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NEW EURO PLAYOFF SHOCK

Mick McCarthy

By Emmet Baloney Amid speculation that Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff against Slovakia may have to be played behind closed doors due to coronavirus fears, there is now additional concern that Ireland may not turn up for the fixture. However, team boss Mick ‘Big Mick’ McCarthy... Read more »

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GOLD CUP CHELTENHAM FRONTRUNNERS

Horse racing

Goldhawk examines some of the favourites for this year’s Cheltenham festival: The Pianist Owned by Ireland’s most high-profile powerless couple, Frank McNamara and Theresa Lowe. The Pianist has been having a complete ‘mare over recent years and still has many hurdles to face. Verdict: Don’t... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

Pope

Greetings from your ultra-liberal Pontiff. What freak weather events for the flock in Ireland. Yes, it is rare for God to comment on political matters, but I can tell you that he has verily expressed his views at the awful post-election tedium. But why have... Read more »

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MY BRILLIANT CAREER – SHANE ROSS

MY BRILLIANT CAREER – SHANE ROSS

Extracts from the upcoming ‘tell all’ book about political life in Ireland April 2011 – I was barely inside Leinster House when Enda came begging for my advice on running the country. Despite his countless limitations, Kenny sensed that I had the necessary flair to... Read more »

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IS THIS YATES’ FINAL POEM?

Ivan Yates

I will arise and go now And go to AIB And settle a small dispute there That will save me financially And I shall have some peace then No more Virgin or TV3 Or shouting abuse at panelists Sure, t’was always about me.

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CRISIS LOOMS FOR IRELAND’S BEST OPINION COLUMNISTS

Picture by HonS - https://www.flickr.com/photos/62693815@N03/ Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Since the election there has been much political hand-wringing over the plights of assorted vulnerable groups, including cash-strapped renters, the cash-strapped homeless and the cash-strapped homed. However, among the pleas for parties to set aside their petty differences and form a government, it seems that... Read more »

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HARRIS’S CORONAVIRUS MESSAGE

Coronavirus Harris

A continuing threat to the elderly and infirm that shows no signs of disappearing – that’s right, my tenure as health minister continues. Unfortunately, it thus falls to me to lead our response to the spread of the Coronavirus. Affected countries are saying their hospitals... Read more »

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IRFU’S CUNNING PLAN

IRFU new logo

Following Ireland’s drubbing at the hands of the English, head coach Andy Farrell has conceded a new approach is needed. As such, the IRFU has decided to contract Bono as an ambassador and will be sending him to visit all upcoming opponents. “Morale in our... Read more »

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‘BRENDAN O’CONNOR IS THE FUTURE,’ SAYS RTÉ

Brendan O'Connor

RTÉ bosses say the recruitment of journalist Brendan O’Connor to replace the late Marian Finucane and to present a new TV panel show next summer “is clear evidence that the station is meeting the demands of younger audiences”. A spokesperson for O’Connor said, “Brendan is... Read more »

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SHIP RUNS AGROUND IN IRELAND

FF Ghost Ship

Desperate efforts are continuing to re-float a bulk carrier that hit the rocks in the Emerald Isle. Reports say the carrier, known as the MV (Mostly Vacuous) Labour Party, came to grief after being all at sea for several years. “It was being towed along... Read more »

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PIPPA O’CONNOR’S CORONAVIRUS STYLE GUIDE

Pippa O'Connor

It’s funny how fads change from season to season. This time last year everyone was raving about animal prints; now it’s all about the Coronavirus. You can’t go a minute without hearing talk about it. Well, don’t worry, I’ve got the inside tips on how... Read more »

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MARY LOU EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Mary Lou McDonald

by Groan Harris With our nation still mourning the demise of our perfectly functioning two-party political system, I sat down with Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald to discuss their electoral success. Groan Harris: Were you as shocked as I was to see how well Sinn... Read more »

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JOHN BLANDVILLE: QUEEN FLED TO STALINGRAD TO ESCAPE RURAL IRELAND DURING WW2

John Banville

John Blandville’s latest book proposes a pet theory that the Queen and Princess Margaret were forced to flee from rural Ireland during the Second World War. Having briefly been sequestered in Tipperary to escape the Blitz, the royal children demurred, saying they felt as if... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 OSCARS

Oscars

Least-supportive candidate: Catherine Noone Most animated short: Brendan Howlin Best fantasy screenplay: Each party’s housing promises In memoriam: Regina Doherty’s political career

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ASTRAL PHENOMENON EXPLAINED

Shane Long

By U Ranus Astronomers have reassured the public that a ‘blue moon’ sighted over London last week is not a portent of doom and disaster. Thousands of consumers had been stocking up on vital supplies amidst fears that the deep blue orb in the sky... Read more »

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SAINT VALENTINE’S DAY TOUGH LOVE MESSAGES

heart and love

John Delaney to FAI  Our parting was so cruel and swift Though some ghouls found it funny I‘d not survive being cast adrift Had I not got your money! ♥♥♥♥♥ Joe Brolly to RTÉ  Words were said, assertions made And I misused my tongue But... Read more »

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EAMONN HOLMES COMES OUT AS ‘JEALOUS OF PHILIP SCHOFIELD’S PUBLICITY’

Eamonn Holmes

Eamonn Holmes has revealed his struggle to come to terms with the amount of publicity Phillip Schofield has been receiving lately. “As an occasional presenter of This Morning, I thought I’d grown used to living in Phil’s shadow,” wrote Holmes in an emotional Instagram post.... Read more »

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ENGLAND TO SECEDE FROM SIX NATIONS RUGBY

England rugby captain B Johnson

By our rugby correspondent Sal R E Capp The RFU has announced that the England rugby team will withdraw permanently from the Six Nations Championship with immediate effect. “We decided that we will no longer abide by the rules of rugby as played by the... Read more »

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ALL-PURPOSE ELECTION POST-MORTEM

harp

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL POLITICAL PARTIES 1. The Six Nations diverted voters from the one outstanding election issue facing the country – namely, giving their first preferences to (insert party name here). 2. The media were completely against us from the start. 3. A lot of... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON

dictionary

Candidate: Brash stranger with inane grin who ruins your evening Party policy: Aspirational promise to do something that will never happen Cabinet: Large cupboard stocked with alcohol to blot out election nausea PR: Official party manifesto Doorstep pledge: Patent untruth Baby: Useful prop for candidate’s... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 POSTERS

Election Posters

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ELECTION 2020 – MESSAGE FROM LEO VARADKAR

Leo Varadkar

Spring is in the air and there is surely a spring in the step of every Irish citizen, as it’s election season. While touring across Ireland during this campaign, I have been greeted by hundreds of people on the streets. I will admit that, due... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 – AN ELECTION FOR ALL*

FF Banner

Ireland is a nation of people with long memories – specifically, people who are likely to remember what happened before 2011. Unfortunately, many of these are unlikely to vote Fianna Fáil. That’s why we are happy, following an extensive consultation with a company specialising in... Read more »

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GANG WAR ERUPTS ACROSS NATION

Gang War

Ireland is on near lockdown as a vast gangland feud spreads rapidly across the country. The escalation in the war of words and empty threats is a result of a renewed battle for national supremacy among Ireland’s leading gangs. Numerous smaller factions have been drawn... Read more »

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‘TIME TO TAKE THESE MARAUDING GANGS OFF OUR STREETS’

Gang War

By Ava Go and Phil E Buster Outraged communities living in fear are today calling for ‘zero tolerance’ of these ruthless gangs brazenly plying their trade on the streets of the country’s towns and villages. The calls come amid growing concerns that many people now... Read more »

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MARIJUANA USE PLUMMETS OVER NEGATIVE ASSOCIATIONS

Gang War

The one point of optimism through this escalating crisis has been the news that marijuana usage throughout the country has plummeted due to a recent spate of negative publicity. “Sure the government has tried all sorts to try to stamp out drugs in Ireland,” said... Read more »

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EX-GANG MEMBER SPEAKS

Bailey Silhouette

We guaranteed the interviewee’s anonymity I was a member of the Fine Gang – until I was told to leave. When you join, everyone in a gang stresses how everyone looks out for each other, that you’ve joined a family. Well, that was true, until... Read more »

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SLY SPORTS NEWS – BOXER QUITS

Kevin ‘Boxer’ Moran

Kevin ‘Boxer’ Moran has announced he is leaving Independiente, the team currently sponsored by Alliance. In an interview with Shannonside Radio on Monday, the Longford-Westmeath striker said he will be without a club for the next game, standing on the touchline rather than togging out... Read more »

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SINN FÉIN FACEBOOK UPDATE

Sinn Fein Facebook

For far too long the most vulnerable in Irish society have been overlooked and abandoned by those in power. They have remained near-voiceless and ignored by a callous elite. It is time for a change to this terrible state of affairs. Leaving aside RTÉ’s deplorable... Read more »

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