Category: Craic & Codology

RUGBY’S DAY OF SHAME

Rugby-ball

Why Are These Losers Still Breathing? by Our Sports Editor – Phil Backpage Ireland’s World Cup is well and truly over – back in the gutter after yet another disgraceful quarter-final mugging. But the big question is why oh why is Joe Schmidt’s overpaid pack... Read more »

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IRISH WATER FEAR EXCUSES DRYING UP

DROUGHT

by Our Environmental Staff – Phil Bucket Irish Water issued a renewed warning last night that the company is facing “a major shortage of excuses” over the coming months. A spokesperson for the waterless utility said: “We are currently experiencing an exceptional drought of credible... Read more »

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LEBANON PANIC LEADS TO EVACUATION

MICHAEL D HIGGINS

LEBANON entered a worrying phase yesterday after a well-known Irish ‘celebrity poet’ was forced to evacuate from the capital Beirut as angry crowds gathered in the city. According to reliable accounts, Michael Twee, sometimes known as ‘The President’, had mentioned Galway 2020 and then volunteered... Read more »

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HALLOWEEN MASKS

Leo Varadkar Lightweight superhero and Cheshire cat masquerade. Watch your friends gasp in horror at the ghastly permo-fixed smirk. Arlene Foster Vampire bat mask and hard-faced scowl will transport you right back to the late 17th century. NOOOO! Jacob Rees-Mogg Victorian skull encased in top... Read more »

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FIANNA FÁIL ABSTENTIONISM CHALLENGED

Mary Lou

SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to end his party’s deeply controversial policy of abstentionism. The Fianna Fáil leader has come in for sustained criticism following revelations that a number of FF TDs had failed to show up for key votes and arranged for... Read more »

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IRELAND PLAYERS ‘FULLY RECOVERED’

Party-night

By Dee Posers THE IRFU today confirmed that the country’s international players will be “fit and raring to go” in time for the winter clubbing season. Many of the country’s well-known representatives like to frequent Ireland’s trendiest hot spots and are much admired by ordinary... Read more »

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SHOCK AS ROSS ABSENT

Shane Ross

THERE WERE eyebrows raised in alarm at Dublin airport after Minister for Sport and Photo Opportunities Shane Ross failed to pop up when the Irish rugby team returned home after their World Cup 2019 exploits. (Surely debacle? – Ed.) As the players slipped furtively into... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3722

StD-3722

GENERAL FRANCO BORIS JOHNSON Remains exhumed Remains in the EU Starring role in Spanish Civil War Starring role in Brexit Civil War Fascist government Fatuous government Ruled with an iron fist Rules with a foot in his mouth Soldier Mercenary Disliked Basques Undoes basques Right-wing... Read more »

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THOSE GAA CHAMPIONSHIP RULE CHANGES IN FULL

GAA-red-card

Joe Brolly to be relegated entirely from the RTÉ panel Remaining panellists to be allowed aggressively self-promote Leinster football championship to be dumped in the Sin Bin If referee is bundled into their car boot post-match, the losing team must pay for locksmith No more... Read more »

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HALLOWEEN BREXIT BONFIRE

Halloween Brexit

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Lennon - Changes in the mood music

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Festy - Hagibis

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THE DAILY TORYGRAPH

Boris boxing

BORIS: Let’s do it! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes! What an absolutely spot-on victory for yours truly in getting the Euro shower to think again before pointing the fickle finger of blame at poor old Bozza for everything. Just when Brexit... Read more »

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ANGER AS RUGBY DISRUPTS WEATHER

Hurricane

RUGBY WORLD CUP JAPAN 2019 by Our Man in Tokyo Harry Kane The world of violent tropical storms was rocked to its foundations when an outbreak of international rugby threatened to ruin the arrival of Typhoon Hagibis in Japan. Local residents, who were forced to... Read more »

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AMNESTY APPEAL

Sean Dunne

This is Seán. Do not be fooled. Behind the smiling features and proud nose lies a tale of heart-breaking sorrow and impoverishment. Seán was once a titled personage and one of the richest men in Ireland. His greatest love (besides himself) was climbing. He reached... Read more »

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WOMEN HAVE ROW

Coleen/Vardy

The entire world held its breath last night as the wives of two well-known footballers had a row on social media. “We haven’t seen anything like this,” said one tabloid editor, “since yesterday.” On other pages: WAGS – assorted untalented women getting an awful lot... Read more »

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COLEEN TACKLES IRELAND’S GREAT MYSTERIES

Coleen Rooney

by Our Social Media Staff Phillipa Page WAG investigator Coleen Rooney turns her attention to some of Ireland’s historical stories. Shergar’s Disappearance Countless theories have been put forward as to what happened to this champion racehorse back in 1983, with persistent rumours that Col Gadaffi... Read more »

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GREEN MEN SHOCK!

Green-man_red

There is an accepted practice in Japan that, when pedestrians wish to cross the street, they must first wait for the Green Man. These days nobody is waiting for the Green Man. All over Japan, the lights are going out on the little Green Men.... Read more »

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BUDGET 2020 SUMMARY

Health 2,000 trolleys in hospital corridors to get new wheels over next 10 years, with the remaining 700 to be oiled. HSE apologies to be streamlined, with admission of culpability and compensation payments to be made six months earlier than in 2019. Environment Shane Ross... Read more »

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TRUMP VOWS TO ‘PULL US OUT OF AMERICA’

Trump eating burger

IN THE latest controversy to impact on the White House, President Donald Trump has announced that he is “pulling the United States out of America”. Unveiling the surprise strategy while posing beside a range of Big Macs, Trump said, “It’s time America stood on its... Read more »

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THOSE RTÉ CHAT SHOW CONTENDERS

Bo-Ring

Bo Ring Made her name in legendary home comedy productions like Drying Paint and Growing Grass and is considered a safe pair of jaws by station management. Even described by some as “Tubs in a skirt”. Kay Othic One of RTÉ’s rising young stars with... Read more »

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NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES

article-default

City Council, City Council, where have you been? To the bank, to the bank, for the dispensing machine City Council, City Council, why were your bags so filled? So the frazzled lads on the site could continue to build. ………………… Simple Simon met a pie... Read more »

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MEDICAL MATTERS

Medical Matters

A Consultant Writes: As a very important senior doctor who practises in one of the elite medical specialties, I am often asked, “What exactly is wrong with the Minister of Health?” The simple answer is that Mr Harris is suffering from a routine government condition... Read more »

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MICK WALLACE’S HOUSE CONTENTS

Mick Wallace

624 pink shirts 135 unopened letters from Revenue 1 large comb (unused) 1 bottle of Shannon duty-free whiskey 29 cases of Italian wines from ‘de brudder’ 1 single fare receipt for flight to Brussels 1 photo album – mainly Clare Daly 2 travel guides –‘Brussels... Read more »

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TONIGHT’S TV HIGHLIGHTS

Retro tv icon

• Darklands (Virgin Media) New, gritty drama focusing on a brutal gang war in a small Irish town. Violent and disquieting portrayal of a troubled teenage boy who dreams of becoming a ruthlessly aggressive MMA fighter. Trouble starts when his handlers pull off an audacious... Read more »

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JOHN BANVILLE FAVOURITES

John Banville

Favourite film: When a Stranger CallsFavourite song: Would I Lie To You? (Charles and Eddie)Favourite TV shows: Scandi noirFavourite book: The Ego Has LandedFavourite bird: GullFavourite sweet: HumbugFavourite exercise: Leg pullingFavourite food: GammonFavourite psychological condition: Stockholm Syndrome

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DELANEY IN SENSATIONAL CODE SWITCH

Delaney

by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box In a sensational development, the FAI announced John Delaney’s resignation from his long-time position within the association. A brief statement confirmed that Delaney will take up a new post as IRFU executive vice-president (Bridging Loans Division) with immediate effect. Rugby... Read more »

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SHANE ROSS’S RUGBY WORLD CUP MENU

Shane Ross

Breakfast Egg chasers with hangers-on Full of beans around Joe Schmidt Toast after next election Lunch Buttering up IRFU Constantly in the soup Cheesy grin for photographers Dinner Brazen head of cabbage Fish out of water Pretentious ham Dessert Taking the biscuit Jammy dodger Creaming... Read more »

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KIDS THREATEN THE SURVIVAL OF MANKIND

Greta Thunberg

By Ian O’Dotty, the fearless face of reason Surely it’s beyond time to stop this runaway Thunberg train in its tracks before it carries us all over the cliff edge of doom?! In my day, if you snapped back at your elders in the European... Read more »

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BUDGET 2020 – WHAT THE PARTY LEADERS WANT

Calculator

Award tax cuts to our early rising friends in the corporate sector’s upper tiers naturally, but we simply must incentivise the proles to put in an extra effort by ring-fencing a guarantee that they will not be forgotten in Budget 2024, subject to Brexit. Read... Read more »

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LAST YEAR’S BIG SPENDERS

Banker burning money

The country’s highest-spending government departments last year Department of Justice: €9.6 billion Garda overtime on vital anti-kidnapping patrol duties in Cavan Breakdown and recovery of squad cars Legal fees re Denis O’Brien’s various court challenges CCTV of Maria Bailey’s swing Department of Transport, Tourism and... Read more »

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RUGBY WORLD CUP- AN APOLOGY

Rugby

Some of our objective analysis may have given readers a misleading view of our estimation of the Ireland rugby team. Headlines such as ‘Schmidt’s wonders to win World Cup’ and ‘We need fear nobody in the final’ could have sparked a perception that we saw... Read more »

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THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BUDGET

David McWilliams

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to see Budget 2020 for the weak-kneed semi-conscious creature that it is. Our mealy-mouthed finance minister, Paschal Donohoe, has always prided himself on being cautious... Read more »

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SHATTER’S LIFETIME OF MISTREATMENT REVEALED

Alan Shatter

by P.T. Mee Former justice minister Alan Shatter has revealed dozens of new injustices against him spanning his entire life, according to leaked legal letters addressed to the universe. The letter, in Mr Shatter’s handwriting, calls for hundreds of apologies, beginning with an incident in... Read more »

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DID NOSTRADAMUS PREDICT THE END OF LYRIC FM?

Nostradamus

A deepening sense of doom spread across Ireland last night as astrologists and music fans alike realised the full horror implied by a quatrain written by the world’s greatest seer 500 years ago. Nostradamus’s Quatrain 96.7FM reads: “The joker Rose of Mont will be without... Read more »

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