IRELAND:AM ELECTIONS COVERAGE
7am: Can the dead return to haunt us?: The baldy lad interviews a rogue psychic who predicts the Labour Party will win seats in the upcoming elections.
7.45am: How to avoid self-esteem meltdown at election time: The blonde girl chats to guests who have met Peter Casey but went on to live normal lives.
8.40am: Health matters: The other one discusses blood pressure control with rural voters who have been canvassed by Fine Gael candidates.
9.15am: In the kitchen: The lad with the beard who used to be on RTÉ is joined by Micheál Martin to prepare some damp squid on toast.
How to Live Better for Longer – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Dr Eva Orsmond discovers how easy it is for Irish politicians to radically change their lifestyles by simply jumping on board the EU gravy train.
THE SEARCH GOES ON!
By our media correspondent Gissa Quoteguv
Gardaí have confirmed that investigations are continuing into what has become known as the Quirke case. The investigations are being conducted by a special branch of the media known as the Tabloid Tecs, led by a group known simply as The Editors.
These desperate Tabloid Tecs are under huge pressure from The Editors to seek out and find any tit-bit of information that might lead to a story, however unbelievable, in order to fill space.
No hotel or public house in Tipperary has remained immune from the activities of these sweaty scribblers, aided and abetted by their prying paparazzi colleagues.
In the process, they have come face to face with many scoops and, to date, have put them all away in their quest to find the real story behind the devastating impact on their circulations – and their expenses – now that the trial is over.
THOUSANDS STILL ‘HAVE TO BUY PORN MAGS’
Many people living in rural Ireland still have no choice but to purchase ‘dirty books’ for their pornography requirements because of the poor state of rural broadband, according the latest research.
Said one blind researcher in the Midlands, “Behind the statistics and the fuss over the costs of the National Broadband Plan lie human beings with real life stories that are never heard or indeed read aloud, let alone with pictures.
“And they can’t even get that basic service locally either. I’ve met bachelors and couples in remote regions who are reliant on neighbours or maybe a kindly garda or priest to bring a few mags back from across the border after attending funerals and so on. It’s obscene.”
THOSE STORMONT TALKS IN FULL
The Stormont parties have agreed that the Executive will be restored on the following conditions:
- Irish government to reschedule those cancelled Garth Brooks concerts
- Marriages of convenience to be outlawed (Tories and DUP etc)
- Hector Ó hEochagáin to be appointed Irish language ambassador to the unionist community
- Jim Allister to be decommissioned
- Ian Paisley Jr to be the official mascot of Fáilte Ireland
- Alliance Party to tone down their smugness
- Fianna Fáil to apologise for throwing Sorcha McAnespy under the bus
- Aontú to be given special protected status
NEWS OVERSHADOWS ROYAL BABY
by May Kittup
NEWSPAPER editors have expressed fears that filler articles about the latest royal baby might soon be overshadowed by real news stories.
After months of blanket coverage featuring the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s first child, there has been a gradual return to current affairs and political issues.
Said one anxious editor last night, “We’ve all been completely overjoyed by the arrival of baby Archie on to the front pages, but now there’s a lot of carry-on to do with elections and these half-baked Stormont talks – it’s just unbelievable how selfish these politicians are.”
Meanwhile, speculation continues about whether the Duchess of Cambridge is due to announce that she is pregnant again with her fourth child.
Only one thing is certain. We’ve made all this up in a desperate attempt to fill the pages with something more interesting than Brexit and broadband.
On other pages
- How does Meghan look so good after birth? – p2-6
- Breast-feeding top tips – p7-9
(That’s enough about the royal baby – Ed.)
LAY-OFFS LOOM AS DINNY TAKES A BATH
By Dee Fendant
The legal profession was last night bracing itself for a devastating round of redundancies after former INM guru Denis O’Brien offloaded thousands of company shares for a few packets of Tayto and a Golden Crisp.
Hard-nosed evaluation clerks were reportedly distraught as they faced the possibility of cancelling trips to the rugby world cup and even Wimbledon due to massively reduced income.
Said one bereft barrister in Wicklow, “Denis helped to keep us afloat during the bad years thanks to all those writs he issued. But now that he’s lost all that moolah on INM, we’re getting worried.
“I’ve had to cancel the wife’s riding lessons. And what about my daughter’s rent? She’ll have to move into our second home. It’s barbaric!”
JOHN DELANEY BUSY ON GARDEN LEAVE
DALKEY TIDY TOWNS WILL ‘SHOOT ON SIGHT’
Dalkey Tidy Towns volunteers say they will implement a “zero tolerance” approach to intrusive election posters on its territory as it hardens its stance against what it calls the “greatest threat to civilisation since chewing gum”.
Speaking at the opening of a new window display yesterday, a spokesman for the group vowed to “go in with all guns blazing” if any posters appear within a ‘no posters’ zone.
“Be under no illusions, our volunteers will immediately seek out and destroy any unwarranted posters that intrude on Dalkey territory. That includes both local and European-based incursions,” he said.
The warning comes amidst reports of Dalkey Tidy Towns members openly carrying pliers and bin bags on the streets of the town ahead of visiting adjudicators.
Politicians of all parties and none have called for restraint, especially when it comes to using glue.
A Doctor Writes:
EARLY morning sickness, or Nausea Meghanonia Normalis to give it its correct medical title, is a highly contagious condition currently associated with the tabloid press.
Usually, the patient suddenly becomes violently sick as a result of being exposed to yet another inane feature about the pregnancy of the Duchess of Sussex, or Princess Markle of Sparkle to use the proper Royal terminology. Symptoms are likely to deteriorate during the run-up to the royal birth when crass headlines, such as “Glowing Meghan – What A Scrummy Mummy”, will almost certainly result in acute queasiness.
If you are suffering from morning sickness, you should stop taking the tabloids immediately or at least consider reading one of the other daily newspapers.
BOYNE DECLINES TO BACK DOWN
My Brother’s Name is Jessica author John Boyne has hit back at online criticism levelled at him following his Irish Times article about gender in which he rejected certain labels.
“A lot of people may not like how I describe myself, but I am a man who has written for the Irish Times and that’s just how it is”, he said. “Some people may not like that I am similar in certain ways to people like Fintan O’Toole, David McWilliams or Una Mullally but that’s no reason to threaten me with violence!
“It hasn’t been easy for me either. I wish we could have a civilised discussion about it instead.”
THE FEARGAL QUINN WHO KNEW ME
By Kian Ing
THERE are very few people that the entire Irish population take to their hearts even though they might only have seen them on television. Feargal Quinn was one such person.
Like everyone else who didn’t know the charismatic entrepreneur directly, I believe that I am better placed than most in thinking that I knew him in a unique way – simply as an ordinary weekly shopper in my local Superquinn store.
Excellent communication skills, judgement, insight… these are all essential qualities that a regular consumer needs these days – and I think I had all of these and more beside.
As someone who felt close to Feargal, I was naturally saddened when I took a quick glance at his Wikipedia page and found full details of his meteoric rise to the top.
He always said that there was a special bond between the shopkeeper and paying customer – and I think I understood exactly what he meant. Sadly, he will never see my likes again.
ASTI CONFERENCE REPORT
IMPORTANT ISSUES DISCUSSED IN WEXFORD
Substance abuse – recognising it and addressing it:
Most delegates agreed substance abuse symptoms were easily recognisable, whether by red rings around the eyes, an inability to concentrate, nodding off mid-sentence etc. It was recommended that a two-week suspension should apply, with a substitute teacher brought in as cover.
Given the benefits of sports activities, it was unanimously adopted that every teacher had an obligation to supervise at least three events a year from a list to contain Cheltenham, Wimbledon, the British Open, the Euros & World Cup and the Summer Olympics.
All agreed that the roast lamb to the slaughter with stuffed McHugh left an excellent aftertaste and… (That’s enough tough education – Ed.)
BIG HELLO! HIGHLIGHTS
- Michael Ring taking the biscuit
- Long-lost brothers reigniting their feud
- Thousands still waiting for broadband
- Fine Gael trying to make hay
- John Delaney getting barbecued
- Village idiot irritating locals (Enda Kenny)
- Pat Spillane getting dumped
- People realising why they stopped talking to their neighbours in the first place
FIANNA FÁIL GAINS FROM ZELENSKY’S SUCCESS
By Barrel O’Laughs
Opinion polls showing a surge in support for Fianna Fáil is “probably down to the success of comedian Volodymyr Zelensky” in Ukraine’s presidential election, according to analysts.
Said one seasoned commentator, “It was utterly unthinkable only two weeks ago, but Irish people now feel a bit more assured about trusting a comedy act with high politics.”
In Wicklow, one voter with a devotion to Monty Python agreed. “If a tinderbox country on the Russian border feels secure having a joker in charge, then why shouldn’t a former health minister turned juggler running round in circles be capable?! Although personally, I find Brendan Howlin does better slapstick.”
NOTRE-DAME – MY HEARTACHE
by Phil Space
Just a few short weeks after the terrible inferno raged through the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame, I have now had time to process this momentous event and come to terms with what has been a life-changing experience.
Who could ever forget the crowds of distraught Parisians who gathered to pray and sing plaintive hymns beside the crumbling edifice?
I recall visiting the famous landmark on a school trip when I was 12. This has made the horrendous conflagration all the more poignant.
I had thought of taking the full week off work, but decided to soldier on through the heartache and come into the office on the Thursday afternoon. Sometimes it’s easier to keep busy.
So despite the unbearable anguish, I can finally see through my tears to a brighter future, with even more tourists flocking to Paris to take selfies outside the charred building and choke on centuries-old dust.
Thankfully, all is not lost.
JOE BIDEN’S POWER GRAB
A GUIDE TO IRISH BIRDS
1. Claire Dalyus Europaus
While native to Ireland, Dalyus is hoping to nestle down in Brussels for a few years and avoid the hard winters in Fingal. Critics claim her once-proud red plumage has faded and this has resulted in her having to survive on scraps from the media.
2. Delaney Outus
Instinctively knows how to featherbed and it has been suggested that he urgently needs to have his wings clipped. Very unlikely to leave his current position until he gets his claws on a large nest egg or is granted safe sanctuary in Europe.
3. Johnus Boyneus
Was told to wind his neck in having been accused of sticking his beak into areas he knows very little about. His signature tweets have decreased in recent times and this could effect his ability to hawk his new book and earn some bread.
4. Cosgraveus Idiotus
This notorious bird brain has a reputation for taking flight without warning and is renowned for his ability to pump out his chest. Migrated to Portugal some years ago, but occasionally returns to Ireland to ruffle feathers.
OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Crash
Favourite song: Free Fallin’, Tom Petty
Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Favourite exercise: Nose-dive
Favourite food: Crumble
Favourite hobby: Hitting the skids
Favourite fruit: Lemon
Favourite utensil: Flash in the pan
Favourite vehicle: Tank
Favourite animal: Swanny
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3709
|Responsible for wickets
||Responsible for sticky wickets
||Trained to bat away questions
|Once beat Pakistan
||Enjoying Indian summer
|Rain affects their matches
||His reign will never end
|Balls made of cork
||Makes a balls of everything
|Play one day internationals
||Playing for time
DELANEY SECURES SPONSORSHIP DEAL FOR FAI
FAI supremo (at time of writing) John Delaney has announced that he has single-handedly secured a new sponsorship deal for the embattled organisation.
“Yes,” he responded modestly, “entirely through my own example I have been approached by a drinks company to become a brand ambassador for the company’s water brand, based purely on my sparkling performance in consuming a whopping six carafes of the stuff at a recent Oirechtas committee hearing.”
Unfortunately, Mr Delaney was precluded from announcing the name of the brand, on legal advice.
Meanwhile, the under-fire FAI executive vice-president John Delaney (frequently sworn at but not as yet sworn in) has moved slowly to explain his gaffe at the recent UEFA U17 Euros draw at the Aviva Stadium, when he demonstrated a total lack of understanding of the first official language.
While welcoming guests at the draw, Delaney explained that when he said that ‘céad míle fáilte’ means “good evening and welcome” what he really meant to say was that it actually means “a hundred thousand euros… sorry… I meant welcomes.”
“I understand the Irish language very well: better even than Mick McCarthy. I use Irish all the time. Like at the end of every month when I receive my monthly salary, rent and other expenses from the FAI, I say, ‘go raibh maith agaibh’. That means ‘Thank you, guys’. So there!”
What’s in that Black Hole?
PWC’S CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL RECOMMENDATIONS
- Never underestimate the amount of people who would notice
- Order three dozen more red flags
- Make sure they are large ones
- Alter terms of reference to include ‘gobshites’,
- ‘clueless’ and ‘bonehead’
- Don’t mention young Harris
- Use big words when explaining it all to the ordinary poor slobs
- Stay away from Seán O’Rourke
- Make sure we get paid in full with this shower
TEST CASES FOR FAST-TRACK DIVORCE
Leo and Micheál
Been together since 2014. Always tension in the House whenever they are within sight of each other. Micheál thinks Leo is a control freak and Leo says Micheál is not supportive enough and refuses to obey.
John Delaney and John Tracey
Money problems can so easily rip couples apart and, now that John T has begun withholding the housekeeping money, the relationship looks to be in terminal decline.
Conor McGregor and Conor McGregor
While Conor still loves Conor more than anyone else in the world, Conor’s erratic and often violent behaviour in recent years surely means the whole sorry affair should be left to die with whatever bit of dignity might be left.
ENDA’S NEW JOBS
Call Centre Operator
Having spent a lifetime sitting around reading from a prepared script, the former taoiseach will have no problem advising unsuspecting members of the Irish diaspora about surefire investment schemes.
Automated Railway Announcer
Kenny’s robotic speaking voice is ideal for tedious announcements, such as “the 10.35 to Castlebar is delayed indefinitely”.
Enda has always dreamt of getting involved in politics and possibly doing something good for the country.
Gravy Train Driver
(Already doing this – Ed)
This week shock specialist Dr Simon Harris reflects on what it’s like to feel stunned.
As a doctor, people often say to me, ’Doctor, I am in a terrible state of shock and I don’t know whose fault it is! How can this be?!”
Of course, the truth is the unfortunate carrier has fallen foul of the common cold comfort or Debillisoutrageous, as it is medically known. Typically the patient’s jaw will have ‘dropped’, the mind will have become ‘boggled’ and, in all likelihood, the blood will have boiled. It inevitably occurs after someone has taken wrong advice and left themselves too exposed to the winds of change.
Ah but look it, ’tis nobody’s fault at all. As the legendary shock disaster specialist Dr Varadkar says, ‘These things happen and it’s best to forget it ASAP I’ve forgotten about blaming people for things and it hasn’t done me any harm at all, at all! Not yet anyway.”
VLAD’S WORK-OUT LEXICON
|What he says:
||What he means:
- Pressing the flesh
- Banana republic
- Running mate
- Returning officer
- Minding the constitution
- Massaging the muscles
- Lots of native-grown vitamins
- Bloke jogging alongside me
- Someone jogging towards me
- A vigorous exercise class
- Eating proper foods
SCUMBAG BOLLARDS MUST BE TAKEN OUT
Am I the only one who feels deeply concerned that, last week, one solitary bollard almost derailed the entire police service of this country? (Great start Pauly! – Ed)
It surely beggars belief that the security of every man, woman and child in the state is dependent on these faceless constructions – who are accountable to nobody – behaving in an upright manner at all times.
It might suit the snowflake pinko pseudo-Ghandists to adopt a laissez-faire attitude to this arrangement but, as was terrifyingly demonstrated last week, all it takes is for one rogue bollard and its goodbye freedom and hello anarchy. (Spot on! – Ed)
I’ve personally witnessed bollards prevent brave gardaí from gaining access to alleys and estates as they sought to remove some of the vilest vermin of Irish life from their holed up, welfare-funded sanctuaries paid for by the decent, law-abiding taxpayers of this country. (Great stuff. Makes you want to weep! – Ed)
Had that scumbag bollard (Bas***d! – Ed) taken out commissioner Harris last week, as eye-witness accounts claim it almost did, our children and their children’s genetically modified children might be waking up to a far more dangerous Ireland in times to come.
Bollards only have to be lucky once – time they were given the bullet. (Brilliant, Paulus magnificus! That’ll shift some copies! – Ed)
THOSE DIVERSE GARDA RECRUITS IN FULL
12 who don’t take ketchup at all on the burgers
8 skilled at turning on those computer yokes
18 right clever clogs for investigating stuff and that kind of thing
2 corner backs, badly needed
3 foreigners we’re keeping an eye on…
6 Rangers supporters
1 lad with a beard
Thank you so much for your kind letter. We here at the Spectator always appreciate correspondence from Eire.
We thoroughly reject your thesis that our publication has adopted anti-Paddy positions now or in the past. Our editor, Fraser Nelson, is a card-carrying papist and lots of our contributors have those funny apostrophes in their names.
Who will ever forget our intense coverage of the spud famine (which was completely your fault by the way) or our unquenchable support for the people of Ulster?
Count yourselves lucky that we give you the time of day at all. If it was up to us, we’d spend most of our time blaming Muslims for the Brexit delay or Jeremy Corbyn for the fall of Saigon or something.
Anyway, we have to scram because Rod Liddle is about to blow a gasket about people speaking Welsh in public.
DREW HARRIS FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Short Circuit
Favourite song: Convoy, C.W. McCall
Favourite TV show: Northern Exposure
Favourite town: Ramsgate
Favourite pub: Break for the Border
Favourite car: Escort
Favourite band: Guns and Roses
Favourite animal: Flipper
Favourite body part: Arms
Favourite album: Never Mind the Bollards
Rome v Republic – RTÉ One, 10.15pm: Neoliberal high priest Michael McDowell looks at how a deeply pernicious cult (the Progressive Democrats) maintained its grip on the Irish body politic for so long.
The Great House Revival – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Join Johnny Ronan as he makes sky-high profits from his latest construction project. Housing minister Eoghan Murphy makes a special guest appearance as a hod carrier for developers.
THOSE ISRAELI ELECTION RESULTS
- Benjamin Netanyahu (Some Likud Hot Party) 66,600
- Benny Gantz (Centrist Blue and White Party) 66,599
- Moshe Smitem (Not so Centrist Black and Blue Union) 18,307
- Rabbi Avi (Old Testament Party) 14,815
- Softi Neissman (Let’s Treat the Palestinians Better Alliance) 9
- Election cancelled due to mysterious absence of electorate. (No change)
PETER CASEY’S PLATFORM
- Roma to be removed from Serie A
- NATO to be given control of Donegal
- Ireland to replace euro with bitcoin
- Dragons’ Den theme music to be the new EU anthem
- Something about 5G
- Reject all comparisons with UKIP
- Free PTSD counselling for Gavin Duffy
- Find out why the D–evil went down to Georgia
MERKEL: EU TO ANNEX ARMAGH
As part of a revolutionary plan to manage its border with the UK, Frau Merkel has announced that the EU is considering annexing what Angela Merkel has referred to as “parts of ze Nordetenlands zat righfully belong to ze Varadkar Republic, namely ze county of Our Ma”.
According to Frau Merkel, who was enjoying a refreshing eighth pint of Carlsberg after her back-stop (surely “whistle-stop”? – Ed) tour of Dublin said: “Our Ma is known as ze Orchard County and produces wonderful apples from which cider is made so we cannot permit zat it remains under the jurisdiction of ze Brits who are no better than Orchard Thieves and Bad Applemen.”
‘DRAGON’ TO CONTEST EUROS
Businessman Peter Casey has announced his candidacy for next month’s European Parliament elections.
Launching his campaign, the former Dragon promised to be “the voice for rural Ireland”.
“Speaking as an ordinary working Joe millionaire,” he said, “and definitely not as an opportunist flaunting fake man-of-the-people credentials, I believe that my policies will resonate with decent, hard-working people everywhere.”
He also refuted accusations of anti-Traveller bias, saying, “My only concern is rural safety and ensuring that people in remote areas have AR-15 rifles to protect themselves against low-life criminals travelling around in their untaxed Hiace vans. The whole place is overrun with hordes of migrant freeloaders – just because we need an endless source of cheap labour. Well, no more!” (That’s enough Casey – Ed)