Category: Craic & Codology

“Lefty parties can’t be trusted,” warn Labour

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The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they get power they want to get rid of poverty altogether. Talk about hypocrisy! The problem is, some people will say anything to get into power.”

Burton latest

Joan Burton

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course.

Joan Burton

Joan Burton

“Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at… y’know… lots and lots of things,” assures the Labour leader. “They are both very serious about the issue. I could hear them discussing it intensely in Mr. Noonan’s office this morning before the younger man came out to wash the blood off his shirt.”

On other pages:

  • ‘It’s definitely not Alan Kelly’s fault’, says Alan Kelly.
  • ‘We nearly had agreement but his bald head slipped out of Alan Kelly’s headlock’, says Alan Kelly.
  • ‘Sign your name to them or else stop the anonymous death threats to Alan Kelly’, says Alan Kelly

Letters to the Editor

letters to editor

Latest Syrian talks

Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria.

The results of the latest UN peace initiative

The results of the latest UN peace initiative

If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by and do nothing. I urge America and Russia – and all the other old enemies involved in such crucial talks – to work together for a common purpose.
If the will is there, I am convinced that we can ensure that all the warring factions agree/disagree that President Bashar goes/stays, so that this terrible conflict will soon continue indefinitely/last forever.
Yours, etc,
Ban Ki-Moon
New York

Gender quotas

Sir, – With the general election only months away, there is increasing public debate about cross-gender participation. Let me make it clear that Renua Ireland believes strongly in gender quotas. Indeed, we would be delighted to welcome all consenting individuals of all genders – male, female and gender fluid – to join us as candidates. You don’t need any qualifications or strong political views – I will take care of all of that.

Creighton: loves to hear new voices (who agree with her)

Creighton: loves to hear new voices (who agree with her)

Running as one of our candidates will provide a short break from your mundane day-to-day activities. You might even get involved in politics. In addition, you will meet Eddie Hobbs (who will take care of reimbursing lost deposits) and get your photo in the local papers for a few weeks. Best of all, I can assure interested parties that it’s not a long-term commitment and I can guarantee that you will be able to resume your usual lifestyle by next Easter.
Yours, etc,
Lucinda Creighton
Dublin 2

Car temperature

Sir, – Does anyone else have misgivings about the heating system on the modern Opel car ranges? I have experienced difficulties with three models in the past fortnight, with all three proving unreliable and untrustworthy and necessitating my replacing the entire vehicle.
Certainly, the new system quickly eliminates windscreen hydration, but even the lowest setting with basic fan assist, seems to cause overheating in the dashboard area. Indeed my wife, a front seat passenger, suffered considerable singeing to her eyebrows on two occasions and one of my in-laws experienced severe heat exhaustion in the rear seat.
I have now switched to Vauxhall and while it takes longer to heat up, the warmth does seem more evenly distributed and less intrusive, although I find it can impart some drowsiness when even a short whiff of exhaust fumes permeate an open window.
Yours, etc, 
Dee Icer,
Flamestown,
Co. Offalywarm

One for all

Sir, – I realise there may be some television viewers who will not so readily adapt to the updated People’s Angelus service now being broadcast on RTÉ television. However the reason for this alteration in the service is quite simple.

A priest reacts to the new Angelus

A priest reacts to the new Angelus

In short, while RTE fully recognises and respects the traditional values that prevail in this country, it is important that we meet the needs and requirements of individuals, couples, groups and communities in a modern country, whose society aspires towards the values of multiculturalism in a diversely denominational and secular manner, and which embraces all creeds and none, with complete disregard towards bias based on skin colour, ethnicity or genetic origin, while being agnostic, yet reverent, as to whether one is able-bodied or disabled, gay, heterosexual, transgender, gender fluid, or otherwise.
Hopefully that clears it up. We feel the new broadcast model will accurately respect those values, as has already been appreciatively represented by a woman baking bread.
Yours, etc,
Mike Madeup
Head of Religious Affairs
RTE, Donnybrook

Coin rounding

Sir, – I don’t want to cause unnecessary panic, but I’ve just been told by a man in the know that the entire army – tanks, bazookas, helicopters, the whole shebang! – are poised to go out and protect the populace if there is any hassle over the coining roundups!

Kenny: apocalyptic

Kenny: apocalyptic

I’m further informed that they are polishing their bayonets in barracks across the country even as I write this, and that a bloodbath of biblical proportions isn’t ruled out. Ireland is on the verge of apocalyptic meltdown if people lose control of their emotions. I urge retailers to round some items downwards to to help diffuse this crisis.
Yours, etc,
Enda Kenny,
Dáil Éireann & Mayo

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

€15 for suitable contributions. Email letters@thephoenix.ie

Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie  The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín

In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs.
Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my next outing Brooklyn – The Monster Returns, Leaves and Returns Again”. Donald Clarke of The Irish Times gushed that Brooklyn is, “A film so good, it should be placed beside DeVinci’s work in the Uffizi”.
The paper of record has erected a solid gold statue of Tóbín in its office foyer and has bought the rights to the next six million editions of the Brooklyn franchise.

Who will replace Billy Walsh?

Boxing

by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring

Boxing

VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show.

LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles – though may find amateur boxing slightly tame compared to Fine Gael infighting.

JEREMY CLARKSON: The former Top Gear presenter certainly doesn’t lack drive. Has already made his mark in tough situations and shown that he is more than capable of knocking a few heads together when he sees fit.

ROY KEANE: Ireland’s Raging Bull is dedicated, decisive, edgy, bad-tempered and a safe pair of hands both inside and outside the ring. May possibly baulk at the basic €1m starting salary, however.

(That’s enough candidates – Ed.)

NEXT WEEK’S BESTSELLERS

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1. Old Stories Of the Rising (Vol 1) by Joe Duffy (Old Rope Press)

2. Callers To Liveline Edited by J. Duffy (Recycled Books)

3. Joe Duffy’s Book Of Traditional 1916 Xmas Recipes (Guff House)

4. Rashers Tierney and Me: The Untold Story by Joe Duffer
(Nostalgia Publications)

5. The A-Z Of 1916 Bandwagon Spin-Offs by Joe Duffy
(Cut-and-Paste Company)

6. Scrapin’ The Oul 1916 Barrel by Joe Dubby (Dead Horse Books)
(We get the idea – Ed.)

WAFFLENOMICS HIGHLIGHTS

WAFFLENOMICS  HIGHLIGHTS

Pleb Summit Discussion Panels

Cosgrave: self-effacing

  • Cosgrave: self-effacing

    Cosgrave: self-effacing

    The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave

  • Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives
  • Why Isn’t The Wifi Working?
  • Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry?
  • How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese
  • Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced By The Taxman?
  • Which Pub Will We Head To?
  • Moaning About The Government
  • Where The F**k Is My Invite? (Moderator: E Kenny)

UFC shock

UFC person

THE LATEST UFC Fight Night in Dublin was marred by a “few mindless idiots”, organisers said. UFC Dublin took place at the 3Arena where the crowd was treated to the best of Mixed Martial Arts bouts, including five Irish fighters in action. UFC person
However, after they witnessed defeats for Cathal ‘The Punisher’ Pendred and Paddy ‘The Hooligan’ Holohan, a minority just “clapped politely, walked outside, got on the LUAS and then went home”, according to the promoters.
“It’s not what we like to see,” they said. “There’s no place for that sort of behaviour in UFC. The majority of people were well able to mindlessly jeer competitors, and sing ‘Ole Ole’ and ‘The Fields Of Athenry’ – the kind of thing that makes Conor McGregor so proud. There’s always a few bad apples in such a big crowd, a few mindless idiots.”

Euro qualifier update

MARTIN O’NEILL

MARTIN O’NEILL

Martin O’Neill

MARTIN O’NEILL says he will learn lessons from Ireland’s dismal Rugby World Cup showing when it comes to the Euro play-offs against Bosnia-Herzegovina. “We’ve studied the videos closely and identified a number of excuses we can use after we’ve been beaten,” said O’Neill. “Joe Schmidt is meticulous and left no stone unturned when it came to finding reasons why we couldn’t beat Argentina. Most of these excuses were concocted during the TV3 ad breaks so he had plenty of time to polish them up. We can adapt the lines he used to our sport. For Paul O’Connell read John O’Shea, for Sean O’Brien read Jon Walters. For missed kicks at goal read Robbie Keane, and so on.”

DUNPHY SLAMS ‘JUST ONE HOOLAHAN’ IN O’NEILL SQUAD, SHOCK!

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Football pundit Eamo Grumpy has criticised Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill’s squad selection ahead of the Euro 2016 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina.
“It’s an absolute scandal that Wes Hoolahan is only mentioned once in this squad,” slammed the controversial critic yesterday. “Here we have a player who can literally make a football talk, and who has the attributes of Messi, Ronaldo and Andy Reid all rolled into one, yet this conservative manager mentions him only once in his selection.”
However, the wrinkly analyst urges the manager to “make the most” of the Norwich playmaker’s presence. “He simply has to play Wes – in goal, central midfield and in the channel running off the left side of the diamond. It doesn’t matter who the other eight players are, but if he doesn’t play the world’s greatest ever footballer in those positions we will get stuffed!”

Schmidt vows to find new ways to come up short

Irish Rugby

By Our Rugby Corr, Gerry Thorny

An emotional Joe Schmidt has stated he is determined to find new ways for the Irish rugby team to underachieve following their World Cup exit. “There are a lot of tired minds in that dressing room,” said Schmidt. “The boys are trying to figure out the connotations for sponsorship deals and PR opportunities and it’s not an easy place to be.”

Irish Rugby

Irish Rugby

When asked if he now expected a glut of retirements, the Irish supremo urged his players not to rush to any decisions. “Nobody should make rash choices,” he cautioned. “The best course of action is to put the feet up for a while – some of our lads seemed to commence their holidays from kick-off, so that should stand to them.”
Meanwhile, TV3 have expressed delight at how their rugby coverage has been received. The station has been on ad break since the match ended last Sunday, but a spokesman confirmed they would be interrupting the advertising to cover the semi-finals.

Next Week’s Bestsellers

Next Week’s Bestsellers

Next Week’s Bestsellers

Next Week’s Bestsellers

1. Paul O’Connell: The Biography (Vol 1), the only officially authorised biography, by Mike Madeup

2. My Pal, Paulie, by his only authorised best friend, Brian ‘Drico’ O’Driscoll

3. The Paul O’Connell I Never Knew, the opening volume in a trilogy by assorted hangers-on

4. Lock, Stock And Barrel, the unofficial book of risqué rugby jokes, edited by Ronan O’Gara

5. My Pal, Seanie, a personal tribute to Sean O’Brien by the team-mate who knew Sean O’Brien better than anyone else, Brian O’Driscoll

6. 50 Shades of Green, the sensational erotic novel about the sexual dressing-room spectaculars of Ireland’s rugby elite by George Hook

7. The Paul O’Connell Christmas Cookbook, some of his favourite seasonal recipes

8. The O’Connell Diet, behind-the-scenes secrets of how Ireland’s greatest rugby player kept his amazing figure, by Phil Face

(That’s enough bestsellers – Ed.)

TV3 RUGBY COMPETITION TIME

TV3 RUGBY COMPETITION TIME

TV3 RUGBY  COMPETITION TIME

TV3 RUGBY
COMPETITION TIME

Odd 1 Out – One of these guys has absolutely no ball handling experience whatsoever. Can you guess which one?

Here’s a clue: He doesn’t play for Goldman Sachs 3rds or speak like an Australian
with his head stuck in a lavatory. He knows about as much about rugby as Paul
O’Connell knows about men’s synchronised swimming. And he certainly sounds like he has no ball-handling experience!

The winner will receive a boxset of all 55 billion hours of advertising played on TV3 during the Rugby World Cup.

That Budget boxing gesture

That Budget boxing gesture

by Our Dáil Staff Miriam Lurid

That Budget  boxing gesture

That Budget
boxing gesture

Speculation has continued about the controversial “punching” gesture which Enda Kenny made while Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald was speaking in the Dáil.
Experts in interpreting body language have suggested that the Taoiseach’s repetitive hand movement may have been a desperate attempt at anger management – particularly as Deputy McDonald’s speech included accusations that Budget 2016 was designed primarily to bribe voters in the run-up to the General Election.

OTHER POSSIBLE FIST GESTURE MEANINGS

  •  He was simply punching in his time until he gets the boot.
  • Idly dreaming of getting the upper hand on the Shinners.
  •  Taoiseach is palming off the Labour Party as usual.
  • Battering the Irish public with austerity measures (already done)
  •  Killing off Joan Burton’s political career (ditto)

(That’s enough empty gestures – Ed.)

SYRIA LATEST

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RUSSIA AND THE USA have come to an agreement over bombing sorties in the Middle East. Tensions had escalated between the nations after Syria had agreed to allow Russia to ‘have a go at Isis’. However, President Obama was against this from the outset, saying that Russia shouldn’t be acting like world police.
Now it has been revealed that the two sides have reached an accord. Obama told reporters at the White House: “This is truly a historic day. We have reached a firm agreement with Russia and we will split the bombing duties equally. We’ll take hospitals and wedding celebrations, while the Russians can have schools and toy
factories. We’ll split shepherds between us. There’s plenty of bombing to go around, more than enough for two superpowers.”

Westlife react to torture revelations

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By Our Political Staff Dee Sade

A huge storm erupted yesterday after it emerged that the CIA has been using Westlife’s music to torture prisoners in Afghanistan. The news has prompted an outcry from ex-members of the group
An angry Shane Filan last night told reporters: “This is an absolute outrage that has caused untold pain – considering that we still haven’t heard a word about unpaid royalties.”

OTHER WESTLIFE SIDE EFFECTS

  • Sensory deprivation and feelings of nausea as newspapers print full-colour pics of the band.
  • Sudden mood swings when music-lovers recall what they were really like.
  • Extra pounds put in band’s coffers as gullible under-10s download such all-time classics as Flying Without Songs and You Bring Me Down.

    DOB IPod

    DOB IPod

CIA programming 2FM schedules

CIA programming 2FM schedules

Following on from the Westlife CIA torture revelations, it has been further disclosed that the intelligence agency are programming the 2FM daytime schedules.

CIA programming  2FM schedules

CIA programming
2FM schedules

“The fact that 2FM tortures listeners with dross like Westlife, as well as presenters like Eoghan McDermott and Jennifer Maguire, is clear evidence that the station has been infiltrated by CIA agents,” said a confidential source. “This activity has been carried out over a number of years and reached a particularly barbaric level with the inclusion of Ryan Tubridy in the lineup at one point.”
However, legal action by traumatised Irish listeners has been ruled out. “The latest JNLR figures indicate that the audiences are fleeing in droves,”concluded the source. “So its impact will gradually dwindle – much like its relevance.”

Rugby World Cup – TV3 Internal Memo

Keith Woods Head

Howayez,

What’s the story? We’re only getting about 6000 ads a half and we’re missin so many extra moolah-makin opportunities.
We need to think outside the box – oh sorry, I mean the 22 (f***in’ hate this bleedin’ posh sport!)
So here’s me suggestions to get more logos/commercials onto the telly:

1 Keith Wood’s Head – think we could stick a few logos on Woody’s noggin. Give Sony a call and see will they take the spot.

Keith Woods Head

Keith Woods Head

2  Logo For Ball – swap rugby ball for McDonald’s logo when a player is about to score.

Logo for ball

Logo for ball

3  Put extra large Heineken bottles on the lads’ table

Big Bottles

Big Bottles

4 When Sinead is interviewing someone, swap them for the Michelin man

Michelin Man

Michelin Man

Letters to the Editor

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Who are you?!

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Sir, – I wish to communicate with the three men in trenchcoats who were walking some 50 paces behind me for over 900 metres in Dublin city centre at 3.27 last Friday.
I also want to hear from the waiter who loitered at my table for a solid 25 seconds longer than was necessary while dining in a Dublin restaurant, to which I travelled circuitously from Wicklow, by way of Kilkenny, for obvious reasons – and where I dined alone, while heavily disguised in glasses, beard and what I think are known in the public domain as ‘jeans’.
Also, who was the lady in the blue dress who accompanied me in the lift at Dublin Airport yesterday afternoon? And why? To each of you, please inform me as to your true status and the nature of your business within 48 hours.
Yours, etc,
Denis O’Brien,
Rue de la Paranoi…
Wait, why do you want my
address?!

Budget changes

Noonan: progressive

Noonan: progressive

Sir, – It’s hard to find the right language to describe just how well the economic recovery is going. Words like “astounding”, “fantastic” and “fairly average, to be honest” don’t quite do it justice. As a result of my expertise in handling the country’s finances, we can all look forward to a very bright future – and this will coincide with the warm spring weather when the next election is due to take place. This is what the economic experts in my department refer to as “seasonal adjustment”.
The electorate have tired of empty promises, which is why the Government has focused on prudent fiscal management that will result in a utopian paradise. Anyway, now that Budget 2016 has been wildly hailed by the millions of grateful people who will benefit, it is time to maintain our economic success with the politicians, such as myself, who can be trusted.
By this stage, I think the vast majority of voters can be in no doubt that the progressive measures I introduced last week can be aptly summed up as a budget for jobs – especially mine.
Yours, etc,
Michael Noonan
Government Buildings

Northern Ireland Nama deal

Sir, – I wish to place on public record that I utterly reject the latest outrageous claims that I was to receive a payment linked to the £1.2bn Nama sale of its entire Northern Ireland property portfolio.
I wish people would stop focusing on these non-stories and instead pay attention to the issues that matter – like what a total disaster we’re making of running Northern Ireland. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to rush off and temporarily resign again as First Minister.
Yours, etc,
Peter Robinson
Stormont Castle

Web Summit controversy

Donohoe: support

Donohoe: support

Sir, – It saddens me immensely to see such ill-informed commentary circulating with regard to the Government’s alleged lack of support for the annual RDS Web Summit, having been a close witness to the Taoiseach’s personal commitment to ensuring the event was supported and retained in Ireland. A great wrong is being perpetrated.
In fact I witnessed the Taoiseach on at least two occasions give a ‘thumbs up’ sign directly to Paddy Cosgrave across a showroom. I’m talking here of BOTH thumbs, fully raised for at least three seconds. On another occasion, in response to Mr Cosgravy’s 34th appeal for a plan for the event, Mr Kenny gave a detailed reply, which ran to fully four words: “Sure it’ll be grand.”
The Government also drafted a concise document detailing the assistance we could provide. To put the proposed plan into action, the Web Summit would merely have had to liase with 95 different officials across 72 separate departments.
Taking all of this into account, I fail to see what more the Government could have done to keep the event in Dublin.

Yours, etc,
Rascal Donohoe,
Dáil Eireann

Cosgrave: self-effacing

Cosgrave: self-effacing

Sir, – As everyone knows, I am just a humble tech genius who has singlehandedly restored Ireland’s reputation amongst the global business community. As such, I felt my requests for a clear plan from the Government for my legendary Bullsh… er, Web Summit, were legitimate.
For a start, requisitioning the counties of Kildare, Meath and Wicklow to provide parking facilities scarcely seems much of a stretch. Similarly, putting the entire western seaboard at our disposal for accommodation purposes appears a fairly straightforward proposition.
I’m afraid the Government are out of touch with the creative brilliance of self-effacing visionaries like myself.

Yours, etc,
Paddy Cosgrave
Dublin (Lisbon from next year)

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

€15 for suitable contributions. Email letters@thephoenix.ie

Hillary romps ahead of Sanders

Hillary Clinton

By Our US Election Staff Phil Paper

Following the televised debate in Eastwick, Minnesota, front-runner Hillary Clinton’s lead in the Democratic presidential primary race has soared.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

According to polls, Clinton is now backed by 97% of Democratic primary voters nationally, compared to 2% for Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders. In the so-called swing states, the former First Lady has been building support from women and urban blue collar workers, while Sanders has the backing of most Latino disabled gay veterans.
“Bernie is a passionate advocate of Middle America and has confounded his critics by coming a strong sixth in South Semolina Caucus,” said prominent political pundit, Mike Madeup. “Of course, he is facing a real challenge in Hillary whose campaign slogan is “I’m very rich’.”
Meanwhile, on the controversial gun ownership issue, Clinton has said, “I intend to introduce stringent legislation to ensure that Americans can no longer buy a weapon – unless they have the money to pay for it.”

“I’m very sorry” – Pope Francis

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By Our Religious Staff Conor Pope

His Holiness, Pope Francis, has again asked forgiveness for recent sex scandals which have reportedly taken place at the Vatican.
“I’m really sorry that some critics of Mother Church are interested in spreading a lot of non-stories which may or may not have happened back in the day,” said Pope Francis during his weekly address at St. Peter’s Square. “I’m also really, really sorry that the media keeps digging up embarrassing rumours that make it look as if I have something to apologise for – which is clearly not the case – especially at a time when I am doing such a good job at getting everyone to forget about all those child abuse cases from the distant past.”
Since his election in 2013, the pope has taken a more populist approach to Catholic teaching, but has consistently condemned clerical sex abuse.
“I know that I told these priests to reach out and embrace the youth of today – but this is just getting out of hand,” he continued. “And at this rate, I am in grave danger of not winning the prestigious 2015 Pope of the Year Award.”

Miss Bikini Ireland shock

Some Normal Women

THE DALAI Lama and Patrick Guinness have been chosen to judge the controversial Miss Bikini Ireland competition. The men were selected after their recent comments about women.

Some Normal Women

Some Normal Women

The chief man in Buddhism said that if there was a female Dalai Lama reincarnation, she would have to be attractive or else she wouldn’t be “much use”, while Guinness heir Patrick joked that he’d prefer to have Syrian refugees “preferably female aged between 20 and 30” in his house.
“These are the type of gents we need to judge the girls,” said an organiser of the event, which came in for criticism last week after a publicity shot in Dublin City Centre. “We need to bring a bit of class to the contest, and these two men are the ones to do it.”

What the Budget means for you

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A housebound single male parent reflects…

“Having prayed for seven hours for seven days in the seven weeks prior to the budget, I felt sure that the finance minister would listen to the advice of a Greater Power and provide some relief for people in my circumstances. While the mothers of my three children gain €5 per child, I linger in here, dependent on the charity of my bishop and the indulgence of former parishioners to cater for my needs while awaiting my appeal.”

BUDGET GUIDE

The Issues Government’s Thinking
Employment: Reduction in USC, few bob for self-employed, etc, should keep us in our jobs
Welfare: Have to look after poor Labour too
Transport: This brib… er, budget, should carry us into another five years

 

How Enda decided on election date

  • Be nice to knock another few months out of it
  • Might even squeeze in another St. Patrick’s Day trip
  • And maybe some foreign bloke will announce a factory for Mayo in the meantime
  • Then again, this is probably as good as it gets
  • Whatever I decide, I have to be strong and decisive!
  •  Here we go…
  • Tails it is then… for spring.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CARRICKMINES

Phoenix BW

I Thou shalt not have other Godforsaken people before US!
II Thou shalt not take the name of me and the others who lord it over you in vain.
III Remember the name of the street and keep it wholly amongst ourselves.
IV Honour your father and your mother’s revulsion.
V Thou shalt not kill time moving in for six months.
VI Thou shalt not halt near our space.
VII Thou shalt not cause an avalanche of media coverage.
VIII Thou shalt not bear false witness that we are neighbourly.
IX Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s wife’s parking space.
X Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s good bit of green field.

THIS YEAR’S HALLOWEEN COSTUME SPECIALS

Mick or Treat!

  • Dress up like MICK WALLACE and scare the bejaysus out of half of the Northern Ireland Assembly.
Mick or Treat!

Mick or Treat!

  • A SHANE LONG mask that will have 80 millions Germans shaking with fear

    SEAN O’BRIEN – Attack a Frenchie and get off (almost) scot-free

  • DENIS O’BRIEN WIG & (LAW) SUIT – Send a shiver down journalists’ spinesWESTLIFE COSTUMES –
    Terrifying enough to get Isis members to convert to Catholicism

“My living nightmare”

by Yvonne Connolly

Apart from being one of the country’s most beautiful and incredibly talented models, I’ve always been a highly intuitive person who has a lot to give. Of course, my glamorous Boyzone marriage brought its own pressure, but I was lucky enough able to take the whole celebrity roller-coaster in my stride.

But even though I seemed to have everything (amazing looks, above average intelligence, a flair for cooking), my battle with the hell of addiction hit me for six. It started innocently enough with the odd celebrity piece in a newspaper. Then it just got more regular – columns in magazines, favourite recipes, weekend supplement fillers about life in the fast lane. Before I knew it, I just couldn’t stop writing about myself and my glitzy marriage to Ronan.

Looking back on it, we were the perfect superstar couple and had some really wonderful years together. Ronan kept proving his love for me by having repeated affairs with young dancers who toured with the band. No matter what happens, I will always love him… the little bastard.

Deez Nuts rules out Irish Cabinet role

US Presidential hopeful Deez Nuts has ruled out taking a role in the Irish Cabinet. The 15-year-old has gained surprising traction for his candidacy, polling at up to 9% in one state, but has insisted a post in Enda Kenny’s government is not in the offing.noonan-cow

“I don’t want my election bid to be derailed by association with those clowns,” said Nuts. “I’m running a serious operation here and the last thing I need is to be mentioned alongside spoofers like Joan Burden and Mike Nonsense.

They’re a total joke with no credibility. They might provide a bit of colour for the press, but everyone knows they’re a ludicrous outfit with zero substance.”

HEALTH MATTERS

This week, top nutritionist Dr. Paschal Donohoe offers some food for thought on how to prevent pain and ruination in Ireland.Dr-Pascal-Donoghoe

As a doctor I am oft en asked, “Doc, what dietary recommendation have you to reduce high blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and help people to avoid sudden shock syndrome?” Well, fi rst we could make the bill for the breakfast more reasonable, or at least throw in a third sausage and a few more beans, if you have to charge €29.75 +VAT + Service. Th en maybe we could start knocking a few bob off the takeaways…. I mean €37.50 for burger and chips off the van at the festival would stop anyone’s heart!! And don’t get me started on a weekend for two in a Dublin fi ve-star! Th e best way to avoid problems if you’re staying for a few days is to bring your own sandwiches…. (Contd. for lunch and evening meal)

Caution urged over female Viagra stories

Medical authorities last night cautioned that female Viagra stories may lead to exhaustion amongst males who struggle to keep pace with the exciting development. The warnings come as three hacks were found collapsed over their desks in the early hours of the morning as they tried to meet the paper’s demand on their prowess.

“The poor inept sods were up all night and couldn’t go the pace,” said one newsroom staff member. The incident follows a recent study that found stories of female Viagra can stimulate entire newsrooms and arouse extreme levels of interest in editors.

“I’ve never felt like wanting more and more as much as I do now,” gushed one middleaged media proprietor yesterday. “Do you think the cute new intern would join me for a bit of proofreading?”

Greeks ‘losing patience with Germans’

The euro’s future was again heading towards jeopardy last night, after Greece warned Germany to “get its act together” over bailout funding. The warning followed increasing uncertainty amongst German politicians, before the country’s parliament agreed to allow the ESM provide a third bailout.

“To be honest, we are getting a bit fed up with these Germans moaning and groaning,” says one Greek surgeon collecting his dole yesterday. “It took them a full day of nitpicking before they signed off on the lousy €120 trillion. By then the sun was starting to set and the tide was almost gone out. Don’t they have an ounce of compassion?!”

A spokesman for Syriza echoed the sentiments. “Some of these Germans are beginning to sound like Baldy Noonan,” he fumed. “How long does it take to sign a bloody cheque? They need to start implementing their commitments faster.”

‘SHAM MARRIAGES’ TARGETED

Calls were growing last night for political ‘marriages of convenience’ to be outlawed. The demands come amidst increasing public anger that such arrangements are merely sham exercises where one or both parties merely want to secure residency in Leinster House.sham-marriage

Critics say in many cases the ‘partners’ often speak a different language to ordinary Irish people and may even detest each other, despite striking a deal in a smoky back room to commit their futures to each other.

Says one disgusted voter, “Its time these opportunistic chancers were rounded up and given the bum’s rush out of the country forever! I mean Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil? Get real!! It’s just unadulterated lust for power!”

CAO LATEST OFFERS

TRINITY Hipster Studies Theory and Practice of Hipsterism (formerly Takeaway Psychology). Introduction to socio-political relevance of big beards, vintage and thrift shop clothes, shiny brown shoes, braces, tattoos, alternative music and pretentious views about organic food.

UCD Sleep Management Open-ended distant learning analysis (replacing Shopping Centre Studies) comprising cultural impact of sleep, duvet dependency, use of alcohol in bed, snoring-related catnap enlightenment, maintaining remote control reliance while asleep, and staying awake after sex.

MAYNOOTH Integrated Social Media Post-Facebook communication course (formerly Virtual Studies) combining one-to-one intrapersonal research (formerly Talking to Complete Strangers), posting pictures of self at Electric Picnic, and exchanging lists of the most shaggable people on the course.

UCG Advanced Football Appreciation 45-year full-time practical modular progamme. Field Studies include inter-disciplinary pub-centred warm-up tutorials, abusive group chanting seminars and in-depth post-game analysis. Course may be curtailed depending on week-by-week results.

(That’s enough courses – Ed.)

LATEST DONALD TRUMP INITIATIVES

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

■ Compulsory wearing of baseball caps 24/7
■ Obama to be tried for not committing any war crimes
■ America to invade some place
■ Sarah Palin’s birthday to be a national holiday
■ Kick Putin’s ass

ELECTRIC PICNIC HIGHLIGHTS

NEW LOOK FINE GAEL FRONTBENCH

NEW LOOK FINE GAEL FRONTBENCH

NEW LOOK FINE GAEL FRONTBENCH

SUDOKU PARTY Combining burlesque, origami, cookery and experimental theatre, this unique chill-out space is located in an upside-down bouncy castle. Th ere will be special backwards screenings of Tarkovsky and Godard films, while guest DJs include Gavin Friday, Gary Lightbody and Eddie Hobbs.

PLANT HIRE DISCO A full-scale recreation of a plant hire business from a midlands industrial estate, you can here simultaneously get your hair cut and enjoy the latest avant-electronica sounds. Th ere will also be vaudevillians, acrobats and hula-hoop dancers, as well as live stand-up from Andrew Maxwell and Neil Delamere.

CURRENT AFFAIRS CABARET Immersive, experiential multi-media platform, which sees David McWilliams, John Banville and Miriam O’Callaghan discuss the current crisis in recycling. Look out for the special one-off collaboration between the Pet Shop Boys and George Hook.

(That’s enough Electric Picnic guff – Ed.)

Letters to the Editor – 28/8/2015

Concerned male

Sir, – I am gravely concerned over the speculation surrounding this newfangled Viagra for women folk, which we are hearing so much about. Like any red-blooded Irish man, I am absolutely appalled that the fairer sex should feel it requisite to pop a pill in order to properly appreciate a man’s physique! Heavens, what is wrong with the women of this country? Ever since the damned electric washing machine replaced the washboard, this was the inevitable destination of the path we chose. By Jove, in my prime there would be no waiting around for the pills to be taken down off the shelf on a Saturday night!!

Yours, etc, George Hook, Old Codger Lane, Blokestown

Dáil Éireann Business

Sir, – Over the past five weeks, most of your readers will have seen my photograph every day on the front pages of the national newspapers. While every other minister and TD has been on holiday, I have been out and about, attending important public events, such as launching Ireland’s new aviation policy, warning people about rip-off prices in the tourist industry and generally arranging media interviews. I would like to sincerely apologise to my absent colleagues for such shameless self-promotion and for giving the misleading impression that any Government business is taking place during the long summer recess. I deeply regret that I have let down my fellow ministers by my thoughtless behaviour and by forgetting the basic core values and cherished traditions of Dáil Éireann.

Yours, etc, Paschal Donohoe, Leinster House

Ashley Madison scandal

Sir, – As CEO of the world’s leading adultery website, I wish to express my deep concern regarding recent reports that a prominent Irish TD is among the subscribers to our highly successful cheating database. While we have thousands of satisfi ed members from within your country’s respected business and academic circles, we are always particularly careful about protecting our reputation. We pride ourselves in being taken seriously and are therefore appalled at suggestions that we would sink so low as to accept totally amoral individuals who lead such shameful secret lives. All our subscribers are scrupulously vetted and we would never offer membership to those who indulge in the extreme levels of infi – delity associated with Irish politics. The reputation of all those satisfi ed members of the entire online cheating community is at stake and the last thing we want is to become a laughing stock because of our alleged links with one well-known political charlatan.

Yours, etc, Ed Sleeze, NYC

Sir, – I wish to avail of your good pages to right a terrible wrong. I was shocked and appalled to have a colleague inform me that my identity has appeared, alongside his own, amongst data in the Ashley Madison leak. I totally refute any allegation that I was seeking a sexual relationship with any man or woman registered with Ashley Madison. In fact, I was happily engaged in a healthy – albeit clandestine – relationship with my housekeeper at the time of the alleged registration. My bishop can confi rm this, although not publicly of course in the interests of her husband and three young children.

God bless you all, Fr. Jock Strap, Fondle Avenue Gropestown (Not real name & address)

Greek bailout

Sir, – My decision to call an immediate general election is primarily aimed at sending an important message to Greece’s European partners. While we have been forced to take major steps towards the total destruction of our economy, much work remains to be done. I have always argued that the EU institutions have been entirely unrealistic in their expectations about Greek debt repayment. By setting the date as “Never”, they are placing an unworkable deadline on our people. In my view, “Never” is much too soon and it is likely to take at least twice as long as that to restore economic prosperity and collect suffi cient taxes to pay off the excessive burden of this unacceptable bailout.

Yours, etc, Alexis Tsipras, Athens

Proud man

Sir, – It is most encouraging to see such a great increase in CAO applications this year. Any country would be proud to have such a wonderful array of talent in its midst. In fact, having spoken to leaders of industry across Europe and beyond in recent days, they say they are very much looking forward to acquiring their fair share of you, once you have qualified and can contribute pricelessly to their country’s development. I know you will all do us proud once you get to wherever you go. Bon voyage one and all.

Yours, etc, Enda Kenny, Leinster House

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000)
Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK)
Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap

Note: please provide name and address so we can weed out any nonprofessionals. Letters may be edited or cut – especially if from the northside.

Darron Gibson update

Darron Gibson

IRELAND BOSS Martin O’Neill says he will give evidence in the trial of midfielder Darron Gibson after he was charged with drink-driving. Th e Everton man is alleged to have been involved in a hit-and-run with a cyclist, failing to stop after an accident and hitting a petrol pump with his car. But O’Neill, a fellow Derry native, says the charges don’t add up and he will make himself available as a character witness.

Darron Gibson

Darron Gibson

He said, “Just look at the charges. Anyone who knows Darron knows he is innocent: ‘hit and run?’ No, I have seen him hit and stop running alright. ‘Failing to stop?’ Again, if you look at his past performances for Ireland he regularly stops (trying, chasing back, passing to team-mates etc). As for hitting a static target? No chance – we have hours and hours of video footage showing the exact opposite.”