Category: Craic & Codology

New government expected by 2050

A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to... Read more »

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St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”

Phoenix BW

By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land. “All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and... Read more »

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Parochial party guests call for tolerance

Phoenix BW

Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities. “Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican... Read more »

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SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST

Money’s Too Tight To Mention I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt) All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro Money (That’s What I Want) All Out Of Love – And Cash Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den

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State funeral for Labour party

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which... Read more »

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TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS

Donald Trump

US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in... Read more »

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Twink in burglary crisis

Twink

Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell... Read more »

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Irish rugby on a knife-edge

As Ireland prepare for crucial matches against Italy and Scotland, this handy all-purpose commentary piece gives readers the chance to adapt to all eventualities by simply deleting as applicable… Rugby fans throughout the country have only one word to describe the heroic/abysmal performance of the... Read more »

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SLAB’S PRISON DIARY

MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let... Read more »

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Renua “to regroup”

IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”. Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband,... Read more »

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GANGLAND UPDATE

By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had... Read more »

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YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS

KATE O’CONNELL Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.     LISA CHAMBERS... Read more »

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That proposed FG-FF programme for government

As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest. This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating... Read more »

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Rotating Taoiseach mooted

By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber... Read more »

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THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS

Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber Leave our... Read more »

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Irish Water latest

Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe. “Things... Read more »

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Is there too much endless speculation about the government?

by All Hacks ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor. Whether or not I can come up with a... Read more »

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McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION

UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government,... Read more »

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SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER

Phoenix BW

JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far. He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m... Read more »

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D’ARCY IN EUROVISION UPROAR

MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on. D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his... Read more »

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Gardaí to throw ‘full force of the alphabet’ at criminals, vows Commissioner

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room... Read more »

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THOSE ELECTION OSCARS

Enda Kenny

Best Make-up Artist Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going               Best Female Supporting Role Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8%      ... Read more »

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Papal Bull(ETIN)

Bienvenida, amigos. What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature... Read more »

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CLARIFICATION

In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such... Read more »

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HEALTH MATTERS

This week Dr Will Squander of Transfusion Positive de-livers his professional opinion People often call me urgently and say, ‘Doctor, I am feeling unwell, what’s the latest news on treatment for hepatitis?’ I always recommend we meet by the pool to discuss the matter over... Read more »

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Croker to host GAA match shock

There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the... Read more »

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GANGLAND WHO’S WHO

MIKE SCUMBAGSuave mafia godfather whose crime empire is believed to comprise Russia, Mexico and the entire continent of Africa. Though based on the Continent, Scumbag regularly flies home to Dublin to attend funerals. Going under the nickname The Llama, his hobbies include relaxing with Colombian... Read more »

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SEAN DUNNE HOUSE SALE

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Thieves shaken after brush with Vlad

THIEVES WHO almost ran into Leo Varadkar as he canvassed for votes in Castleknock say they are “relieved no-one was hurt” in the incident. The robbers were exiting a local shop when they had their lucky escape. One member of the gang explained: “We had... Read more »

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CALLS FOR EARLY BEATIFICATION OF CLAIRE BYRNE

Pressure was increasing on Pope Francis last night to fast-track the canonisation of RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne. The calls come after the adored broadcaster miraculously kept Irish television viewers tuned into an RTÉ political debate for 90 minutes. Such was the powerful force of the... Read more »

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Creighton pledge – “Prison for all”

by Our Crime Staff Phil Cells Lucinda Creighton has again called for the imprisonment of everyone in the country for an indefinite period. The Renua leader has focused on crime throughout the election campaign. “The only way to make the streets of our cities safe... Read more »

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JOAN BURTON’S HANDS

  1) Thumbing nose at socialism 2) Pointing out everyone else’s mistakes 3) Middle finger to Eamon Gilmore 4) Finger not lifted to help Alan Kelly 5) Finger used for pointing out water protestors 6) Thumbs up to Enda Kenny 7) Wagging finger at Sinn... Read more »

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Just how long can it survive?

by Our Political Staff Hugh Cares As the fall-out from this week’s election continues, there is still no clear answer to the question that every political pundit is now asking. How long can this piece about the make-up of the next government keep going? Almost... Read more »

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Taoiseach spells it out

By our Political Corr –  Phil Space FOLLOWING MONTHS of uncertainty during which Enda Kenny has repeatedly insisted that he would not go into government with Fianna Fáil under any circumstances, the Fine Gael leader finally came off the fence yesterday and said that he... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON (Contd.)

n The party: Thing people hold when last of the candidates has departed a constituent’s doorstep. n First preference: To jump under a bus rather than shake that gobshite’s hand! Poll: Speculative form of filler much loved by desperate news editors. Mudslinging: Inevitable result when a candidate... Read more »

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APOLOGY – FIANNA FÁIL

Phoenix BW

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent years have given the impression that Fianna Fáil were a hopelessly washed up political outfit. Headlines such “Biffo And Co. Destroy Country” and “Fianna Failures Facing Total Annihilation” may have led some readers to believe... Read more »

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