Category: Craic & Codology

RUSSIAN ‘FAN GROUP’ GUTTED OVER OLYMPIC BAN

BANNED: Russia’s female track and field team captain NEWS of Team Russia’s track and field ban at the Rio Olympics 2016 has been met with dismay by members of the Spartak Gladiators ‘fan group’. The group, known for their energetic street support for Russian football... Read more »

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Careers

ONLINE BODYGUARD POSITION AVAILABLE Bodyguard sought to defend vulnerable and high-risk target from online attacks. Quick reflexes needed to block attackers. Must be able to handle a whip. Strictly off the books. Contact Regina on whipemrealgood@oireachtas.ie  SEASONED SAILOR LOOKING FOR WORK Experienced and well-travelled first... Read more »

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COVENEY BINS JARGON RUBBISH FOR NOW

In his latest guarantee on waste management, Environment Minister Simon ‘Simple’ Coveney has assured householders that there will be “no increase” in the jargon being dumped on people in regard to waste collection discussions “for at least a year.” Phrases such as ‘pay-by-weight’, ‘polluter pays’,... Read more »

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WE’LL MISS MARIA!

TOP tennis totty Maria Sharapova will be sorely missed at this year’s Wimbledon. The ravishing Russian is set for a spell on the sidelines after tennis bosses [surely “chiefs” – Ed] served her with a suspension in June. The tennis ace was caught using a... Read more »

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Party’s demise is Howlin’s Labour of love

Brendan Howlin

Labour Party hacks are confident they can get rid of the party’s remaining seven Dáil seats by rowing back on as many election promises as possible. In what is being lauded as a political masterstroke that is destined to help him jettison some votes, Labour... Read more »

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Ireland fans shame country

SO-CALLED IRELAND fans who were caught on camera singing Boyzone and Westlife songs at Euro 2016 will be banned from attending all future football games at home and abroad, says the FAI. It is believed that some fans met former Boyzone lad Keith Duffy on... Read more »

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IRELAND TOUR OF SOUTH AFRICA LEIXCON

Lock – What the Irish will be on after the 1st Test Bore War – Springboks thrashing Ireland again in the 3rd Test Apartheid – IRFU discrimination against Darren Cave Rainbow Nation – Formerly SA, now Ireland The Free State – What the Ulster players... Read more »

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Royal Visit Mugs

To commemorate the visit of HRH Charles, Prince of Wales and his wife Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall to Donegal, Good Friday Accessories Ltd present this limited edition pair of earthy mugs as timeless reminders of this unique visit. Moulded from authentic Royal Ascot horse dung... Read more »

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A reading from the book of Hollywood

And in that land at that time, lived a man who called himself the ‘Chosen One’. And he ruled over all the fields and the roads and the rivers and the winds. And great was his ambition to be ruler of all things that moved... Read more »

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Protests as viewers wake up during new Brendan O’Connor show

by Our Media Staff – Dee List RTÉ switchboards were completely jammed last night after the station was inundated with angry complaints about its latest mid-week chat show, Cutting Out Entertainment. The new panel programme involves C-list celebrity guests and various Sindo hacks who sit around... Read more »

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BREXIT UPDATE

IF STAYING IN EU IF LEAVING EU Thousands will die on streets Mass unemployment will occur Giant rats will eat devour babies David Cameron will remain as PM Streets will be piled high with bodies Nobody will have a job Massive snakes will orphan our... Read more »

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INSIDE BRENDAN HOWLIN’S HEAD

1. Must invite Baldy over for a nice sip from the decanter 2. This’ll ease me nicely into retirement 3. I feel two feet taller already! 4. What the hell is this ‘socialist’ thing people keep asking me about? 5. Please, please God let Enda... Read more »

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Strike it lucky with TESCO

Strike it lucky with your shopping this week by coming along to TESCO’S! All of our stores are currently still open and we have a wide variety of super bargains for you while staf… er, stock lasts!! Just consider these bargain proposals: Visit our confectionary... Read more »

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Gardaí may appoint Vickers

An Garda Síochána have said they are giving “serious consideration” to appointing Canadian ambassador Kevin Vickers to a special role fighting gangland crime. Vickers last week tackled a protestor during a remembrance ceremony at Grangegorman Military Cemetery, and it is believed that he later single-handedly... Read more »

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THOSE EURO 2016 DANGERMEN

Goan Harpoonimson (Iceland): Ruddy-faced stopper currently plying his trade with German side FC Kaiserslaughterm. Tends to drift in and out of the contest but will spill blood for the cause – as long as it’s not his own. Haffa Bierbelli (Italy): Barrel-chested midfielder who has... Read more »

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TAOISEACH PROMISES ‘AS MANY NOTEBOOKS AS IT TAKES’ TO DESTROY GANGS

By Des Aster As pressure builds on the Government to resolve Dublin’s gangland crime wave, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has made his most radical pledge yet to provide An Garda Síochána with the extra resources needed to stem the tide of savagery. “I have instructed the... Read more »

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CHARLIE BIRD BOOK EXTRACT

In this compelling extract from the RTÉ reporter’s new book on last May’s marriage referendum, he talks to one of the key figures in the day’s drama Charlie Bird: “For many years, I have had to deal with the supposed shame of being an RTÉ... Read more »

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News filler not about Leaving Cert shock

by Our Examinations Staff  – Eddie Kation In an unprecedented piece of journalism yesterday, a national newspaper ran a lengthy news article that he nothing to do with this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Said the editor: “I know it is unusual, but a real news story... Read more »

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Jobless figures drop in inner city

THE GOVERNMENT has welcomed news that unemployment levels in Dublin’s north inner city have dropped. The latest figures suggest that fewer people are signing on due to taking up short-term positions with an expanding company in the locality. Jobs that have been filled range from... Read more »

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Gangland attacks intensify

by Our Crime Staff  – Conor Lolly With no end in sight to the vicious political in-fighting currently raging on Dublin’s streets, there were fears last night that gangland violence is likely to intensify over the coming months. Hostilities between the rival outfits – led by... Read more »

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KENNY REVEALS NEW GANGLAND PLAN

Following the outrage over the latest gangland killing, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has revealed his plan to stop the violence. “I have ordered the construction of a large two-dimensional bat-shaped object,” said the Fine Gael leader. “We will place it over a giant floodlight and aim... Read more »

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“Every cliché” to be exhausted in Garda reform

By Our Police Corr – Frank Drebin Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan has vowed that “every cliché” will be exhaustively explored as the force deals with the fallout from the O’Higgins report. The Gardaí were sharply criticised by the Policing Authority last week and are also facing... Read more »

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Chinese ‘almost as bad as O’Gara’ shock!

Phoenix BW

By Ben Denee – Royal correspondent A “furious and appalled” Queen Elizabeth now considers the Chinese government “almost as rude as Ronan O’Gara”, according to Buckingham Palace insiders. The shock revelation comes days after the Queen had confided privately to her umbrella that she considered the... Read more »

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BARBARIC TREATMENT OF PRISONERS SLAMMED

Amnesty International have called for an end to the barbaric treatment of prisoners after Niamh Horan visited Wheatfield Prison for a Sindo piece. According a spokesman, this inhumane approach to reform needs to be stamped out immediately. “We’re not saying prison should be a holiday... Read more »

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NEW EUROVISION OUTRAGE

EUROVISION BOSSES have demanded an apology from Ireland after sending another turkey to the song contest. “We warned you about this,” said organisers, “after that Dustin thing. The EU built your roads, paid off your farmers and bailed you out after you ALL partied. And... Read more »

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Premiership latest

WEST HAM chairman David Sullivan has blamed “low-quality glass” for the scenes that marred the Irons’ last home game at Upton Park. The Londoners were hosting Manchester United in the Premier League but the visitors’ bus was attacked by fans outside the ground. Videos and... Read more »

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Nation stunned as report finds Garda unit investigated crime

By Apalling Williams The Irish nation was in shock again last night as it emerged that gardaí in the Cavan/Monaghan division investigated a burglary at a house in the district in 2008. The shock finding reveals that the force dispatched a squad car in accordance... Read more »

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A reading from the Book of Áras

Chapter 12, Verse 10: Jesus, she doesn’t half go on And in the 16th year there didth walk amongst the people of the land a woman they called Sabina, wife of the Poet Michael of D with whom she didst abide in the Big House.... Read more »

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Labour want Big Sam!

By Sikassa Parrot – football correspondent In a move set to rock the worlds of politics and football, Ireland’s Labour Party want Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce as its next leader, according to leaked information. The Black Cats gaffer is currently regarded as a hero on one... Read more »

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GARDA PULSE COMPUTER GUIDE

  PAUL McGUINNESS’S iPHONE PLAYLIST I Just Called Mossack Fonseca To Say I Love You Accountants Move In Mysterious Ways Panama Money Money Money Stayin’ Alive (And Offshore) Big Spender A View To A Killing You Sexy Shareholding

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Alan Shatter Uncovered

1. We should never forget the real victims in this sorry affair, ie. myself 2. My reputation has been restored – I’m the country’s smuggest politician again 3. And its greatest author – just remember my bonkbuster novel, phworr! 4. A simple Senate seat is... Read more »

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O’Higgins inquiry findings (in full)

1 Nobody in An Garda Síochána has ever done anything wrong. 2 Especially not senior management. 3 Indeed, most of whistleblower McCabe’s allegations were overstated. 4 Anyway, the only gardaí to blame are those young inexperienced trainees. 5 But that’s all in the past now... Read more »

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Leadership battle heats up

It emerged last night that all seven Labour Party deputies have now thrown their hats into the ring in the leadership contest. The current front-runners for the prestigious post are: l Brendan Howling, 60. Dynamic middle-of-centre pro-European who believes passionately in a new kind of... Read more »

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PADRAIG HARRINGTON’S GOLFING LEXICON

Gimme – More interest from my account in Panama Hazard – The risk of dealing with Mossack Fonseca Moving Day – Time management team changed investment funds Wire-to-wire – How banking works

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Varadkar memo to St. Vincent’s hospital

Re: The Mother of all Rows I hereby refer to recent issues whereby the arrival of the above mentioned has given birth to a fast-growing dispute. This department is expecting you to produce a maternity service free of cramping and it is inconceivable that I... Read more »

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Labour Party ‘could be next Alan Kelly leader’

Labour Party TDs were last night declining to comment on speculation that they will lead Alan Kelly in opposition in the new Dáil. The party is understood to be considering the proposal from the South Tipperary TD following the resignation of its Tánaiste Joan Burton.... Read more »

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