Category: Craic & Codology

Gangs unveil shooting schedule

A gang member pictured in Dublin city centre yesterday

By Gall Williams The gangs at the centre of the feud in Dublin have revealed details of their shooting schedule for the coming weeks. In an unprecedented move, details of the planned shootings have been released in order to prevent the public and the authorities... Read more »

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IN TOMORROW’S ELECTION SPECIAL

Phoenix BW

64-page Election 2016 Round-Up Fionnan Sheen: Why is there so much about the multi-talented Independent candidate Averil Power in the papers? Henry McGoo asks why the Green Party manifesto is full of ridiculous claims about oil not lasting forever. Heidi Grossburger: What Renua’s Lucy Creighton can... Read more »

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Comment – Still too early to tell

by Dan O’Whine The possibility set out in this column eight weeks ago – that I would still be repeating myself in two months’ time – has come to pass. Will the new era of Irish politics resemble more closely Sweden or Italy? It’s still... Read more »

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Ireland ‘will resemble The Gobi’, warns Kelly

In his most passionate statement yet against suspending water charges, acting environment minister Alan Kelly has warned that “Ireland is on the road to becoming a vast, arid, uninhabitable dessert populated by wild camels and watched over by vultures feeding on the carcasses of dehydrated... Read more »

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Those CSO figures analysed

Environment:  • Ireland has the highest waste recycling rate in Europe with 67% of what’s on TV3 being garbage that originated elsewhere and a further 39% coming out of Eamon Dunphy’s mouth yet again. Families:  • There’s one born every minute, with almost two-thirds of the population having paid water bills in the... Read more »

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RTE’s Martina moves out

After a “hastily-convened meeting” RTÉ has decided to confine its foremost political correspondent, Martina Fitzpatrick, to delivering her daily TV news reports from the safety of a darkened street. This follows a spate of outragous interruptions inside Government Buildings, as Ms Fitzperfectly filed her numerous... Read more »

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Suspended sentences shock!

In a move that will reverberate around the Law Library, another leading judge has entered the suspended sentences controversy. Mr Justice Sharpe-Beak has contended that the law allowing activation of suspended sentences was a key driver for the historic agreement between FF and FG on... Read more »

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Eurovision latest

EUROVISION HOPEFUL Nicky Byrne has revealed that he ‘never wanted to sing again after Westlife’ and now his dream has come true. ‘After selling (out) so many records over the years I felt like I couldn’t continue in the entertainment business,’ he said. ‘Luckily for... Read more »

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ALL PURPOSE CONOR MCGREGOR ARTICLE

Pride of Ireland / Ireland’s shame Conor McGregor has given two fingers to / been put in his place by bosses at the UFC. Having announced his retirement / disappointed his fans, the Crumlin hero / mouthy Dub has shown the MMA promotion up for... Read more »

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VARADKAR LIKES JOHNSON

Smug TD and confused negotiator Leo Varadkar has said he likes “Tory toff Boris Johnson’s way of doing business”. In an interview with The Oxford University Miner, Leo declared, “I like Johnson. He pretends to care about Brexit when really he’s manoeuvring to be PM.... Read more »

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POPE’S ‘JOY OF LOVE’ INITIATIVE DISAPPOINTS CATHOLICS

Tens of thousands of Irish Catholics have reacted with disappointment to Pope Francis’s Joy of Love leaflet after it failed to meet their expectations. “I really thought this time he was going to go for it,” shrugged a disconsolate masochistic transvestite brothel owner in Cork.... Read more »

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Ross to get new cabinet portfolio: “Minister of keeping Shane a Minister”

Ross with his new driver after receiving his Golden Rings of Office

TD and Sindo columnist Shane Ross is said to be taking very seriously the idea of taking on the cabinet Portfolio of “Minister of keeping himself a minister”. Speaking from his bath in the Merrion Hotel Mr Ross told Country Life magazine, “As a I... Read more »

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More money to go down drain

by Our Environment Staff – Jawn Waters THE COUNTRY’s largest drain, Irish Water, is now well on course to receive millions of additional euros over the lifetime of the new minority government, according to Taoiseach Enda Kenny. Speaking in Dáil Éireann yesterday, the Taoiseach reminded TDs... Read more »

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THE IRISH TIMES Classifieds

FAMILY FEUD NOTICES WEEK 10,088 A northside gang is delighted to announce the torture and subsequent beheading of a close associate of a rival clan. The funeral will take place next Friday at Church of The Holy Ghost followed by tea and cakes and then... Read more »

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PRINCE – STILL DEAD

Prince and I became lifelong friends nearly 40 years ago and through the years, I have been given a unique insight into what the legendary musician wasn’t really like. Like so many of his worldwide fans, I will never forget seeing something on the internet... Read more »

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Man’s face saved

Observers have labelled a desperate attempt to save a man’s face in Dublin as “laughable” , and say the result has left the man in question “looking very sheepish.” It is understood that the man, known as Enda and believed to be from Mayo, was... Read more »

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Fully loaded Seanad party up the Áras

The Higgins’s - raking it in!

Over 3000 kegs, 10 brass bands, 400 cheerleaders and 84 DJs were shipped into Áras an Uachtaráin, following Alice Mary Higgins’ election to the Seanad. The Higgins family rocked the party as they celebrated pulling down over €315,000 in salaries from the state plus expenses,... Read more »

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The ZAPPONE Monkey aka The Zapper

WILDLIFE EXTRA – Supreme Opportunists No. 897… This rare North American primate is a traveller and can be found as far from home as Western Europe. The Zappone makes friends easily with other troops and their leaders. Once in a tribe, the Zapper will quickly... Read more »

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Dublin footballers pay tribute to Prince

19-99 – Average Dublin score in upcoming Leinster Championship Sign Of The Times (Umpires raising another green flag) Let’s Go Crazy (on the score board) Kiss (Sam Maguire for the next 10 years) U Got The Look (Of a team that’s about to take a... Read more »

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JUST HOW LONG WILL IT ALL LAST?

by Our Political Staff – Phil Page NOW THAT the long wait is over and the new Fine Gael minority government is finally up and running, there is only one crucial question on every political correspondent’s lips. Just how long will today’s piece on the 32nd... Read more »

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Monstrous prop discovered below surface

By Our Loch Ness Staff Investigators scouring the murky depths of Ireland’s Labour Party in search of a leader have discovered the prop used to make the scary Fine Gael creature look like it was for real. The prop was often seen nodding its head... Read more »

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MMA LATEST

UFC chiefs have promised to keep the memory of Joao Carvalho alive by staging the “biggest pay-per-view event the sport has ever seen”. The organisation has stated that UFC200 will be a commemorative tribute. A spokesman said: “We’re going to have a minute of abuse... Read more »

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PARTIES REVEAL SHAPE OF NEW GOVERNMENT

The various TDs involved in discussions on the formation of a new government today announced what the shape of that new government will be. “All of the parties to the discussions were totally committed,” insisted a spokesperson. “These were politicians, eager and resolved to reach... Read more »

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More Australian warnings about visiting Ireland

Widdevr ya do, don’t git sick in Piddyland or you woan git hoam before Chrimmas! Doan git stuck in the vicious civil woar bitwin thopposing fictions noon as Finny Gel and Finny Foul thet azbin ragin’ like a lunatic peck o’ dingos go fir over... Read more »

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“I’m so ashamed” – admits escort

John Whittingdale Scandal by Con Dumb THE sex worker at the centre of the latest Conservative Party scandal has admitted that she was “highly embarrassed” to discover that one of her regular clients was the Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale. It emerged last night that Honey... Read more »

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Cameron salutes Ahern

by Our Political Staff DAVID CAMERON has thanked former Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern for his help in avoiding awkward questions about his financial affairs. The British PM contacted Mr Ahern shortly after his late father’s name was mentioned in the leaked Panama Papers. Cameron said:... Read more »

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LSD USERS DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM VOGUE WILLIAMS

LSD enthusiasts have moved to distance themselves from Vogue Williams after the presenter announced plans to take hallucinogenic drugs live on TV as part of a new RTÉ series. “To be honest, I don’t want to be in anyway associated with Williams or RTÉ 2,”... Read more »

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WHO WILL SUCCEED MICHAEL O’LEARY?

Michael O’Leary

With the Ryanair boss saying he has a “50/50 chance” of retiring in 2018, speculation is mounting about his possible successor Roy Keane Has plenty of experience of managing low-cost, no-frills outfit thanks to Euro 2016 campaign, and has been enthusiastic supporter of Ryanair style... Read more »

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SACK THE CAPTIONIST

Those Shutterbug stock clichés Look how awfully clever I am I don’t like him / her Here’s another double entendre Irish fashion models; dontcha hate em? What about this for a very punny caption? The pen is flightier than the sword.

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DONAL SKEHAN’S SATURDAY KITCHEN MENU

Feast of sound bites Lashings of waffle Load of cod Pie in the sky Just a trifle boring!

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FRESH GARDA DEMANDS

Garda sergeants and inspectors say they are not at all happy with current deployment policies within the force. “As first responders dealing with the constant threat of radical extremism and international terrorism, the lads need to be equipped with air-to-ground missiles fired by aerial drones... Read more »

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New AGSI uproar

Hens across the country have reacted angrily to remarks by an unidentified senior garda that the force would be reduced to responding “like headless chickens” in the event of a terrorist attack. Visibly perturbed, a free range Rhode Island Red in Wexford says she is,... Read more »

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Panama Papers – Cameron speaks out

David Cameron

“As you know, I have been widely applauded for releasing details of my tax returns and have now proven beyond doubt that I have nothing at all to worry about as regards my finances. Personally, I feel very lucky to have had a supportive family... Read more »

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APOLOGY – KATIE TAYLOR

In common with all other publications, we may have given the impression that Katie Taylor was an unbeatable athlete whose like had not previously been seen on Earth. Headlines such as “Champ Katie Smashes Opposition”, “Heroic Taylor Continues Winning Streak” and “Katie Taylor Is Unbeatable”... Read more »

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Kenny denies being in denial

Acting Taoiseach Endless Kenny has denied being in denial over the result of the recent general election. “We won,” he announced emphatically. “A woman I met in Castlebar the other day with a ballot box under one arm and Michael Ring in a headlock under... Read more »

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BONO UPDATE

AMY SCHUMER and Sacha Baron Cohen have volunteered Bono to go to Syria to fight Isis. Last week the U2 frontman suggested to a US Senate sub-committee that the best way to combat radical Islam is to laugh at them and suggested that the two... Read more »

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