Category: Craic & Codology


Phoenix BW

I Thou shalt not have other Godforsaken people before US!
II Thou shalt not take the name of me and the others who lord it over you in vain.
III Remember the name of the street and keep it wholly amongst ourselves.
IV Honour your father and your mother’s revulsion.
V Thou shalt not kill time moving in for six months.
VI Thou shalt not halt near our space.
VII Thou shalt not cause an avalanche of media coverage.
VIII Thou shalt not bear false witness that we are neighbourly.
IX Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s wife’s parking space.
X Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s good bit of green field.

Rugby World Cup – TV3 Internal Memo

Keith Woods Head


What’s the story? We’re only getting about 6000 ads a half and we’re missin so many extra moolah-makin opportunities.
We need to think outside the box – oh sorry, I mean the 22 (f***in’ hate this bleedin’ posh sport!)
So here’s me suggestions to get more logos/commercials onto the telly:

1 Keith Wood’s Head – think we could stick a few logos on Woody’s noggin. Give Sony a call and see will they take the spot.

Keith Woods Head

Keith Woods Head

2  Logo For Ball – swap rugby ball for McDonald’s logo when a player is about to score.

Logo for ball

Logo for ball

3  Put extra large Heineken bottles on the lads’ table

Big Bottles

Big Bottles

4 When Sinead is interviewing someone, swap them for the Michelin man

Michelin Man

Michelin Man

Letters to the Editor

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Who are you?!

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Sir, – I wish to communicate with the three men in trenchcoats who were walking some 50 paces behind me for over 900 metres in Dublin city centre at 3.27 last Friday.
I also want to hear from the waiter who loitered at my table for a solid 25 seconds longer than was necessary while dining in a Dublin restaurant, to which I travelled circuitously from Wicklow, by way of Kilkenny, for obvious reasons – and where I dined alone, while heavily disguised in glasses, beard and what I think are known in the public domain as ‘jeans’.
Also, who was the lady in the blue dress who accompanied me in the lift at Dublin Airport yesterday afternoon? And why? To each of you, please inform me as to your true status and the nature of your business within 48 hours.
Yours, etc,
Denis O’Brien,
Rue de la Paranoi…
Wait, why do you want my

Budget changes

Noonan: progressive

Noonan: progressive

Sir, – It’s hard to find the right language to describe just how well the economic recovery is going. Words like “astounding”, “fantastic” and “fairly average, to be honest” don’t quite do it justice. As a result of my expertise in handling the country’s finances, we can all look forward to a very bright future – and this will coincide with the warm spring weather when the next election is due to take place. This is what the economic experts in my department refer to as “seasonal adjustment”.
The electorate have tired of empty promises, which is why the Government has focused on prudent fiscal management that will result in a utopian paradise. Anyway, now that Budget 2016 has been wildly hailed by the millions of grateful people who will benefit, it is time to maintain our economic success with the politicians, such as myself, who can be trusted.
By this stage, I think the vast majority of voters can be in no doubt that the progressive measures I introduced last week can be aptly summed up as a budget for jobs – especially mine.
Yours, etc,
Michael Noonan
Government Buildings

Northern Ireland Nama deal

Sir, – I wish to place on public record that I utterly reject the latest outrageous claims that I was to receive a payment linked to the £1.2bn Nama sale of its entire Northern Ireland property portfolio.
I wish people would stop focusing on these non-stories and instead pay attention to the issues that matter – like what a total disaster we’re making of running Northern Ireland. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to rush off and temporarily resign again as First Minister.
Yours, etc,
Peter Robinson
Stormont Castle

Web Summit controversy

Donohoe: support

Donohoe: support

Sir, – It saddens me immensely to see such ill-informed commentary circulating with regard to the Government’s alleged lack of support for the annual RDS Web Summit, having been a close witness to the Taoiseach’s personal commitment to ensuring the event was supported and retained in Ireland. A great wrong is being perpetrated.
In fact I witnessed the Taoiseach on at least two occasions give a ‘thumbs up’ sign directly to Paddy Cosgrave across a showroom. I’m talking here of BOTH thumbs, fully raised for at least three seconds. On another occasion, in response to Mr Cosgravy’s 34th appeal for a plan for the event, Mr Kenny gave a detailed reply, which ran to fully four words: “Sure it’ll be grand.”
The Government also drafted a concise document detailing the assistance we could provide. To put the proposed plan into action, the Web Summit would merely have had to liase with 95 different officials across 72 separate departments.
Taking all of this into account, I fail to see what more the Government could have done to keep the event in Dublin.

Yours, etc,
Rascal Donohoe,
Dáil Eireann

Cosgrave: self-effacing

Cosgrave: self-effacing

Sir, – As everyone knows, I am just a humble tech genius who has singlehandedly restored Ireland’s reputation amongst the global business community. As such, I felt my requests for a clear plan from the Government for my legendary Bullsh… er, Web Summit, were legitimate.
For a start, requisitioning the counties of Kildare, Meath and Wicklow to provide parking facilities scarcely seems much of a stretch. Similarly, putting the entire western seaboard at our disposal for accommodation purposes appears a fairly straightforward proposition.
I’m afraid the Government are out of touch with the creative brilliance of self-effacing visionaries like myself.

Yours, etc,
Paddy Cosgrave
Dublin (Lisbon from next year)

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

€15 for suitable contributions. Email

Hillary romps ahead of Sanders

Hillary Clinton

By Our US Election Staff Phil Paper

Following the televised debate in Eastwick, Minnesota, front-runner Hillary Clinton’s lead in the Democratic presidential primary race has soared.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

According to polls, Clinton is now backed by 97% of Democratic primary voters nationally, compared to 2% for Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders. In the so-called swing states, the former First Lady has been building support from women and urban blue collar workers, while Sanders has the backing of most Latino disabled gay veterans.
“Bernie is a passionate advocate of Middle America and has confounded his critics by coming a strong sixth in South Semolina Caucus,” said prominent political pundit, Mike Madeup. “Of course, he is facing a real challenge in Hillary whose campaign slogan is “I’m very rich’.”
Meanwhile, on the controversial gun ownership issue, Clinton has said, “I intend to introduce stringent legislation to ensure that Americans can no longer buy a weapon – unless they have the money to pay for it.”

“I’m very sorry” – Pope Francis

Phoenix BW

By Our Religious Staff Conor Pope

His Holiness, Pope Francis, has again asked forgiveness for recent sex scandals which have reportedly taken place at the Vatican.
“I’m really sorry that some critics of Mother Church are interested in spreading a lot of non-stories which may or may not have happened back in the day,” said Pope Francis during his weekly address at St. Peter’s Square. “I’m also really, really sorry that the media keeps digging up embarrassing rumours that make it look as if I have something to apologise for – which is clearly not the case – especially at a time when I am doing such a good job at getting everyone to forget about all those child abuse cases from the distant past.”
Since his election in 2013, the pope has taken a more populist approach to Catholic teaching, but has consistently condemned clerical sex abuse.
“I know that I told these priests to reach out and embrace the youth of today – but this is just getting out of hand,” he continued. “And at this rate, I am in grave danger of not winning the prestigious 2015 Pope of the Year Award.”


Mick or Treat!

  • Dress up like MICK WALLACE and scare the bejaysus out of half of the Northern Ireland Assembly.
Mick or Treat!

Mick or Treat!

  • A SHANE LONG mask that will have 80 millions Germans shaking with fear

    SEAN O’BRIEN – Attack a Frenchie and get off (almost) scot-free

  • DENIS O’BRIEN WIG & (LAW) SUIT – Send a shiver down journalists’ spinesWESTLIFE COSTUMES –
    Terrifying enough to get Isis members to convert to Catholicism

“My living nightmare”

by Yvonne Connolly

Apart from being one of the country’s most beautiful and incredibly talented models, I’ve always been a highly intuitive person who has a lot to give. Of course, my glamorous Boyzone marriage brought its own pressure, but I was lucky enough able to take the whole celebrity roller-coaster in my stride.

But even though I seemed to have everything (amazing looks, above average intelligence, a flair for cooking), my battle with the hell of addiction hit me for six. It started innocently enough with the odd celebrity piece in a newspaper. Then it just got more regular – columns in magazines, favourite recipes, weekend supplement fillers about life in the fast lane. Before I knew it, I just couldn’t stop writing about myself and my glitzy marriage to Ronan.

Looking back on it, we were the perfect superstar couple and had some really wonderful years together. Ronan kept proving his love for me by having repeated affairs with young dancers who toured with the band. No matter what happens, I will always love him… the little bastard.

Deez Nuts rules out Irish Cabinet role

US Presidential hopeful Deez Nuts has ruled out taking a role in the Irish Cabinet. The 15-year-old has gained surprising traction for his candidacy, polling at up to 9% in one state, but has insisted a post in Enda Kenny’s government is not in the offing.noonan-cow

“I don’t want my election bid to be derailed by association with those clowns,” said Nuts. “I’m running a serious operation here and the last thing I need is to be mentioned alongside spoofers like Joan Burden and Mike Nonsense.

They’re a total joke with no credibility. They might provide a bit of colour for the press, but everyone knows they’re a ludicrous outfit with zero substance.”


This week, top nutritionist Dr. Paschal Donohoe offers some food for thought on how to prevent pain and ruination in Ireland.Dr-Pascal-Donoghoe

As a doctor I am oft en asked, “Doc, what dietary recommendation have you to reduce high blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and help people to avoid sudden shock syndrome?” Well, fi rst we could make the bill for the breakfast more reasonable, or at least throw in a third sausage and a few more beans, if you have to charge €29.75 +VAT + Service. Th en maybe we could start knocking a few bob off the takeaways…. I mean €37.50 for burger and chips off the van at the festival would stop anyone’s heart!! And don’t get me started on a weekend for two in a Dublin fi ve-star! Th e best way to avoid problems if you’re staying for a few days is to bring your own sandwiches…. (Contd. for lunch and evening meal)

Caution urged over female Viagra stories

Medical authorities last night cautioned that female Viagra stories may lead to exhaustion amongst males who struggle to keep pace with the exciting development. The warnings come as three hacks were found collapsed over their desks in the early hours of the morning as they tried to meet the paper’s demand on their prowess.

“The poor inept sods were up all night and couldn’t go the pace,” said one newsroom staff member. The incident follows a recent study that found stories of female Viagra can stimulate entire newsrooms and arouse extreme levels of interest in editors.

“I’ve never felt like wanting more and more as much as I do now,” gushed one middleaged media proprietor yesterday. “Do you think the cute new intern would join me for a bit of proofreading?”

Greeks ‘losing patience with Germans’

The euro’s future was again heading towards jeopardy last night, after Greece warned Germany to “get its act together” over bailout funding. The warning followed increasing uncertainty amongst German politicians, before the country’s parliament agreed to allow the ESM provide a third bailout.

“To be honest, we are getting a bit fed up with these Germans moaning and groaning,” says one Greek surgeon collecting his dole yesterday. “It took them a full day of nitpicking before they signed off on the lousy €120 trillion. By then the sun was starting to set and the tide was almost gone out. Don’t they have an ounce of compassion?!”

A spokesman for Syriza echoed the sentiments. “Some of these Germans are beginning to sound like Baldy Noonan,” he fumed. “How long does it take to sign a bloody cheque? They need to start implementing their commitments faster.”


Calls were growing last night for political ‘marriages of convenience’ to be outlawed. The demands come amidst increasing public anger that such arrangements are merely sham exercises where one or both parties merely want to secure residency in Leinster House.sham-marriage

Critics say in many cases the ‘partners’ often speak a different language to ordinary Irish people and may even detest each other, despite striking a deal in a smoky back room to commit their futures to each other.

Says one disgusted voter, “Its time these opportunistic chancers were rounded up and given the bum’s rush out of the country forever! I mean Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil? Get real!! It’s just unadulterated lust for power!”


TRINITY Hipster Studies Theory and Practice of Hipsterism (formerly Takeaway Psychology). Introduction to socio-political relevance of big beards, vintage and thrift shop clothes, shiny brown shoes, braces, tattoos, alternative music and pretentious views about organic food.

UCD Sleep Management Open-ended distant learning analysis (replacing Shopping Centre Studies) comprising cultural impact of sleep, duvet dependency, use of alcohol in bed, snoring-related catnap enlightenment, maintaining remote control reliance while asleep, and staying awake after sex.

MAYNOOTH Integrated Social Media Post-Facebook communication course (formerly Virtual Studies) combining one-to-one intrapersonal research (formerly Talking to Complete Strangers), posting pictures of self at Electric Picnic, and exchanging lists of the most shaggable people on the course.

UCG Advanced Football Appreciation 45-year full-time practical modular progamme. Field Studies include inter-disciplinary pub-centred warm-up tutorials, abusive group chanting seminars and in-depth post-game analysis. Course may be curtailed depending on week-by-week results.

(That’s enough courses – Ed.)


Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

■ Compulsory wearing of baseball caps 24/7
■ Obama to be tried for not committing any war crimes
■ America to invade some place
■ Sarah Palin’s birthday to be a national holiday
■ Kick Putin’s ass





SUDOKU PARTY Combining burlesque, origami, cookery and experimental theatre, this unique chill-out space is located in an upside-down bouncy castle. Th ere will be special backwards screenings of Tarkovsky and Godard films, while guest DJs include Gavin Friday, Gary Lightbody and Eddie Hobbs.

PLANT HIRE DISCO A full-scale recreation of a plant hire business from a midlands industrial estate, you can here simultaneously get your hair cut and enjoy the latest avant-electronica sounds. Th ere will also be vaudevillians, acrobats and hula-hoop dancers, as well as live stand-up from Andrew Maxwell and Neil Delamere.

CURRENT AFFAIRS CABARET Immersive, experiential multi-media platform, which sees David McWilliams, John Banville and Miriam O’Callaghan discuss the current crisis in recycling. Look out for the special one-off collaboration between the Pet Shop Boys and George Hook.

(That’s enough Electric Picnic guff – Ed.)

Letters to the Editor – 28/8/2015

Concerned male

Sir, – I am gravely concerned over the speculation surrounding this newfangled Viagra for women folk, which we are hearing so much about. Like any red-blooded Irish man, I am absolutely appalled that the fairer sex should feel it requisite to pop a pill in order to properly appreciate a man’s physique! Heavens, what is wrong with the women of this country? Ever since the damned electric washing machine replaced the washboard, this was the inevitable destination of the path we chose. By Jove, in my prime there would be no waiting around for the pills to be taken down off the shelf on a Saturday night!!

Yours, etc, George Hook, Old Codger Lane, Blokestown

Dáil Éireann Business

Sir, – Over the past five weeks, most of your readers will have seen my photograph every day on the front pages of the national newspapers. While every other minister and TD has been on holiday, I have been out and about, attending important public events, such as launching Ireland’s new aviation policy, warning people about rip-off prices in the tourist industry and generally arranging media interviews. I would like to sincerely apologise to my absent colleagues for such shameless self-promotion and for giving the misleading impression that any Government business is taking place during the long summer recess. I deeply regret that I have let down my fellow ministers by my thoughtless behaviour and by forgetting the basic core values and cherished traditions of Dáil Éireann.

Yours, etc, Paschal Donohoe, Leinster House

Ashley Madison scandal

Sir, – As CEO of the world’s leading adultery website, I wish to express my deep concern regarding recent reports that a prominent Irish TD is among the subscribers to our highly successful cheating database. While we have thousands of satisfi ed members from within your country’s respected business and academic circles, we are always particularly careful about protecting our reputation. We pride ourselves in being taken seriously and are therefore appalled at suggestions that we would sink so low as to accept totally amoral individuals who lead such shameful secret lives. All our subscribers are scrupulously vetted and we would never offer membership to those who indulge in the extreme levels of infi – delity associated with Irish politics. The reputation of all those satisfi ed members of the entire online cheating community is at stake and the last thing we want is to become a laughing stock because of our alleged links with one well-known political charlatan.

Yours, etc, Ed Sleeze, NYC

Sir, – I wish to avail of your good pages to right a terrible wrong. I was shocked and appalled to have a colleague inform me that my identity has appeared, alongside his own, amongst data in the Ashley Madison leak. I totally refute any allegation that I was seeking a sexual relationship with any man or woman registered with Ashley Madison. In fact, I was happily engaged in a healthy – albeit clandestine – relationship with my housekeeper at the time of the alleged registration. My bishop can confi rm this, although not publicly of course in the interests of her husband and three young children.

God bless you all, Fr. Jock Strap, Fondle Avenue Gropestown (Not real name & address)

Greek bailout

Sir, – My decision to call an immediate general election is primarily aimed at sending an important message to Greece’s European partners. While we have been forced to take major steps towards the total destruction of our economy, much work remains to be done. I have always argued that the EU institutions have been entirely unrealistic in their expectations about Greek debt repayment. By setting the date as “Never”, they are placing an unworkable deadline on our people. In my view, “Never” is much too soon and it is likely to take at least twice as long as that to restore economic prosperity and collect suffi cient taxes to pay off the excessive burden of this unacceptable bailout.

Yours, etc, Alexis Tsipras, Athens

Proud man

Sir, – It is most encouraging to see such a great increase in CAO applications this year. Any country would be proud to have such a wonderful array of talent in its midst. In fact, having spoken to leaders of industry across Europe and beyond in recent days, they say they are very much looking forward to acquiring their fair share of you, once you have qualified and can contribute pricelessly to their country’s development. I know you will all do us proud once you get to wherever you go. Bon voyage one and all.

Yours, etc, Enda Kenny, Leinster House

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000)
Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK)
Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap

Note: please provide name and address so we can weed out any nonprofessionals. Letters may be edited or cut – especially if from the northside.

Darron Gibson update

Darron Gibson

IRELAND BOSS Martin O’Neill says he will give evidence in the trial of midfielder Darron Gibson after he was charged with drink-driving. Th e Everton man is alleged to have been involved in a hit-and-run with a cyclist, failing to stop after an accident and hitting a petrol pump with his car. But O’Neill, a fellow Derry native, says the charges don’t add up and he will make himself available as a character witness.

Darron Gibson

Darron Gibson

He said, “Just look at the charges. Anyone who knows Darron knows he is innocent: ‘hit and run?’ No, I have seen him hit and stop running alright. ‘Failing to stop?’ Again, if you look at his past performances for Ireland he regularly stops (trying, chasing back, passing to team-mates etc). As for hitting a static target? No chance – we have hours and hours of video footage showing the exact opposite.”


An American man shot dead by his two-year-old son “died doing what he loved”, according to a close friend. Th e Alabama resident was showing his young son how to fi re a revolver when the fatal accident occurred.

“If there is any consolation it’s that he died doing what he loved,” said neighbour Chuck Stones. “We have a right to bear arms and it’s important that we teach our kids how to use weapons. If they want to become cops when they grow up they need to know how to deal with African-Americans for example. Although now the kid will grow up without a father, he will have a tremendous respect for guns, which is what his father would have wanted. God bless America.”


Ireland football manager Martin O’Neill has asked An Garda Síochána and British police forces to search their files for any exciting young talent that may have been overlooked. Th e Irish boss is also understood to be keen on establishing a prison scouting system across both countries.

The move comes aft er Jeff Hendrick was notifi ed to appear in Dublin District Court in relation to an alleged nightclub confrontation and the arrest of midfi elder Darron Gibson on suspicion of drunken driving. Striker Andy Keogh was also arrested in a nightclub incident in Australia last February.

“Who knows what undiscovered talent may be lurking in DPP files or even jail cells,” says the former Leicester and Celtic gaff er. “I’ve already been alerted to a play making armed robber on remand in Yorkshire and I’m told there’s a tough tackling burglar on the run in the Kerry mountains. It’s very exciting.”

Meanwhile the manager says it he “does not expect” any further arrests amongst the squad before the crunch Euro 2016 qualifiers against Georgia and Gibralter. “Unless someone seriously annoys Roy I can’t see any major disturbance occurring,” he confirmed.

Schmidt hails World Cup preparations

IRELAND’S PREPARATIONS for a World Cup of mediocrity are in full fl ow after easy wins over the mighty Wales and Scotland. Now ranked as the second best team in the world, Joe Schmidt’s men are right on track to repeat the glorious failures of 2007 and 2011.ball-baring

“We’re going to get carried away,” Schmidt told reporters. “This is our year. I can feel it in my bones. I know we’ve been down this road before but this time we’re in with a real shout. This year’s quarter-final defeat will be better than any of our previous efforts. I can see us leading the All Blacks well into the fi rst quarter. ”

Ashley Madison shock

Thousands of Irish people are living in fear, after details of their online activities were leaked on the Dark Net following the Ashley Madison hack. The expose threatens to reveal the sordid internet history, email addresses and pictures of the users.

It is expected to show that thousands of Irish people have been clicking on links on the website claiming to tell you ‘10 things you thought you knew about Kim Kardashian’ , and showing exclusive pictures from Ronan Keating’s latest wedding.brave-bare

A source said, ‘These people are terrified that their names will be connected to such filthy pasttimes. To you and me they look like happily married couples, but beneath the surface they are hiding these terrible compulsions to satisfy their lust.’

More Star non-stories

Following on from their sensational scoop about Alan Shatter allegedly claiming 12 euro in expenses, the Irish Daily Star has uncovered further evidence of outrageous extravagance amongst Irish politicians.

According to documents seen by the paper, TDs have claimed upwards of 30 cents for items such as matches and toothpicks. Despite the wave of indifference that greeted the non-story, the Star is standing over its

“This is another example of Irish politicians living the high life at the expense of the hard-pressed taxpayer,” said a spokesman for the paper, Mike Shameless. “It’s a disgrace – and you can read further damaging revelations concerning claims for paperclips in tomorrow’s sex-sational Star!”

NASA to help with Irish Water

The Government is to ask NASA for help with administering Irish Water, it has confirmed. The coalition no longer has any clue who qualifies for the €100 conservation grant and requires the space agency’s help with the calculations. “This is obviously a massive project for us,” said a NASA spokesman yesterday. “We’ve been busy with attempting to land another probe on Mars, but Irish Water dwarfs that in terms of complexity – we could be looking at billions in financial outlay, or roughly equivalent to what Irish Water has spent on consultants”hats-off

However, the spokesman denied the agency will also attempt to fi gure out Alan Kelly’s homeless policy. “AK47 is off-limits,” he explained. “We simply don’t have the manpower – we’d have to set up another agency.”


Minister for Doorways and Park Benches Alan Kelly has stringently defended his approach to the country’s homeless crisis, and denies he failed adequately to address the situation while on his summer holidays.

“To say I was ‘hiding’ from the issue is a monstrous fallacy of gigantic proportions”, said the straight talking minister from his mobile phone somewhere last night. “Th ere wasn’t a meal or a drink ordered when I raised the subject with the waiter and other hotel staff .

“I even discussed it with a family of three Americans by the pool and with at least four taxi drivers on the way to the beach.”

Meanwhile, in his latest initiative to resolve the crisis, the minister has guaranteed that “every homeless man, woman and child in this country will receive a warm promise before Christmas that something will be done about this problem, caused by Fianna Fáil policies.”Commenting further, Kelly states, “I absolutely guarantee that. Th e consultants are working on the wording even as we speak. No expense is being spared to ensure it reads well.”

Power finds new way to not get elected


Former Fianna Fail Senator Averil Power has confi rmed she has found a new route to not getting elected. Having already failed to get elected for FF, Power has revealed that she faces rejection as an Independent candidate in Dublin Bay North at the next election.averil-power-head-in-hand

“Averil Power is an icon for our times,” commented Irish Independent editor Fionnan Sheahan. “We don’t deserve her, but in a selfl ess act of remarkable courage, she has vowed to put her remarkable talents to work for our country.”

Writing in a special 30-page souvenir on her life and times in the Indo, Power said that, “I was torn whether or not to run – but in the end my colossal ego just meant I had to.”

Sinn Féin planning to enslave humanity

Martin McGuinness contemplates his next move

Sinn Féin is hatching a diabolical plan to bring about the end of days, it has emerged. Last night we tracked down the party’s spokesman, known only as Legion, to his hideaway lair where he warned of the dark terror to come.

Martin McGuinness contemplates his next move

Martin McGuinness contemplates his next move

“The time of purification is at hand,” he commented. “Humanity shall soon kneel before us – there will be no place to hide. We will not rest until all corners of the earth have succumbed to our might.”

The Gardaí refused to be drawn on the party’s plot to imperil the future of mankind, except to say, “It would be inappropriate to comment as investigations are ongoing.”

Meanwhile, it is believed that the UN was last night trying to contact the Avengers.



Meet The (Wannabe) Leaders

Eddie Hobbs
Always prepared to jump onto the nearest bandwagon, Eddie is highly motivated and especially keen to shed the EDDIE-HOBBSentire public service who are draining essential private profits out of the body politic.

Shane Ross
The dapper Dublin South TD has always considered himself a political heavyweight, but is still not quite fit for purpose. Intends to keep climbing the greasy pole even more over the coming months.

Lucy Creighton
Something of an early front-runner who is constantly chasing after the nearest camera crew. This former Fine Gael lady has a lot to lose, so even more PR exercises are planned during the year ahead.

(That’s enough Team Leaders – Ed.)





Sir, – On behalf of the entire country, may I be the first to the legendary George Clooney and his beautiful bride Amal Alama- dwun to our shores. Hollywood’s glamorous A-list couple have been extremely busy since they celebrated their marriage last September in Venice in front of a small group of several thousand invited guests. Since then, they have been honeymooning quietly on the front pages of all our lead- ing newspapers, so they will be glad of a short hideaway break in the Cooney ancestral home (23, Main Street Tullahought, Co. Kilkenny) where I would ask fans and the media to fully respect their publicity at all times.
Yours, etc,
Mike Madeupname Dublin 2


Sir, – Recent sensational allegations suggesting my sordid involvement in under-age sex orgies are absolutely prince andrewunfounded. Such vile facts divert attention from my vital work promoting British interests in European ski resorts and on the world’s leading golf courses. Since I have nothing whatsoever to hide, HM the Queen has just offered me an important new 25-year appointment in the South Atlantic.
Yours, etc,
Andrew Windsor Falklands


Sir, – My colleagues and I are having a great laugh in the station when we tune into this new soap opera on UTV. Talk about unrealistic! Shur them lads look like they’ve been savaging it at the gym every week of the year! And off they go solving murders without a sign of a gouger rightly getting a flake across the head on the q.t. in the back room, let alone a bit of a ‘kidney massaging to jog the memory! And there’s no way any of us would try it on with a young wan in the front of the squad with a whole back seat empty! To cap it all, as the new young fellow here noticed, not a bottle of tomato ketchup in sight! We do be nearly choking on our chips so we do!
Yours, etc,
Garda Seán ‘Hopper’ Ball c/o the station Cuffstown,
Co. Donegaol

Sir, – I was very disappointed with the quality of last night’s soap opera on TV3. The OTT histrionics of the lead character, Vincent Browne, were scarcely credible and heVincent Browne was clearly unable to contain his penchant for scenery-chewing. In addition, his melodramatic showdowns with his panellists were hammy and contrived. I’m surely not alone in thinking TV3 can do much better!
Yours, etc,
Mick Kindle Waterford


Sir, – I am sick and tired – sick and tired I tell you– of the sham- bolic excuse for either leadership or political policy as practised by public representatives in this proud but betrayed country. I am now in the process of forming a new political party, in which I intend to ally an all- embracing collective of dedicated, forward-thinking and energetic individuals.

In our commitment towards cre- ating a new political reality opposed to the practice of political cronyism, I vow to re-construct the political landscape on behalf of Irish people of all political, religious and cultural persuas… (The editor reserves the
right to edit any correspondence on the grounds of cliché abuse and the insensitive practice of mantra-mongering – Ed.)
Yours, etc,
Joe Soap, Ballyvision, Co. Kill Kenny


Sir, – I am a 55-year-old Cork man with a strong interest in politics and, if I may modestly concede, excellent prospects. I am presently seeking about 27 women to join me in an exciting adventure to scale the heights, brave the storm and eventu- ally sail into a new dawn over the coming 15 months.

Some door knocking duties may be required in advance. This golden opportunity is open to all ages. Looks are Hugh Hefnerunimportant but an ability to recall whatever I say, recite it clearly and with conviction and a willingness to stand where one is told is absolutely essential.
Yours, etc,
Micheál Martini, Cork


Sir, – Following the tragic events in Paris, I hope I am not alone in ex- pressing hope that we do not witness a wave of copycat articles based on the content of last weekend’s news- papers. I would appeal to journalists to show restraint and not emulate the slew of alarmist articles about jihadists in Ireland, which were not just confined to the tabloids but also spread to the Sindo and Sunday Times. We also had to suffer bursts of hot air from Tom McGurk and Oliver Callan in the Business Pest. I sincerely hope these pieces are one-offs and not the start of a frightening new era.
Yours, etc,
Todd Rundgren-O’Sullivan Mayo

THE IRISH TIMES receives a great many awful letters each day and, thankfully, it is possible to find space for only a small selection. We regret that we can’t publish even fewer of them.





ROY KEANE has vowed to quit giving up on things for 2015. Having recently left his assistant manager position at Aston Villa after just four and half months, the Cork man has vowed to cut down on the habit. ‘The idea came from going to see Gone Girl with some of the lads on the Ireland panel before Christmas,’ says the Irish assis- tant manager. ‘It was crap but I stayed until the end. Then I ordered a coffee in a café and even though I didn’t think the barista poured it particularly well, I drank the whole thing. Now I am determined to quit quitting once and for all. I’ll stick with this for as long as I can.’




Former Fine Gael strategist Crank Flannery has said the party’s very existence is threatened unless he is on board for the next general election. Speaking last night, Flannery commented: “Ireland is heading for an Flanneryapocalyptic abyss if Enda doesn’t utilise my extraordinary political genius. I think it’s time the media focused on my unparalleled strategic brilliance rather than those massive Rehab payments. Oops!” Meanwhile, other possible strategists the Taoiseach has met with include Charles Manson and Robert Mugabe.




Angry crowds gathered out- side the Ministry of Health last night after it was revealed that a free bed had been dis- covered in one leading Dublin hospital.

The demonstrators handed out leaflets claiming that pa- tients on trolleys had already suffered enough without Leothis latest shock.

“My 90-year-old grandfa- ther has just got used to the busy corridor where he has been for the last five weeks,” said one distraught protestor. “It would just be too great a shock to suddenly move him into a strange bed in an over- crowded hospital ward after all this time.”

Meanwhile, HSE spokesman Mike Madeup appealed for calm and promised an immediate inquiry into the free bed development.“The occasional empty bed is bound to become available once in a while,”said Mr Madeup,“but the public can rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure that no patient will be offered a free bed ever again.”




Rory McIlroy:

Try to win 3 majors to be in with a shout of winning the BBC Sports Personality

Conor McGregor:

Learn to be more outgoing

David Drumm:

Take acting lessons to become more convincing

Ched Evans:

Contact Mike Tyson regarding getting career back on track




Game Of Thrones:

Sexually explicit, ultra-violent story of medieval political intrigue. Contains strong language and scenes some viewers may find distressing. Starring Aidan Gillen


Sexually explicit, ultra-violent story of medieval political intrigue. Contains strong language and scenes some viewers may find distressing. Starring Aidan Gillen




CHARLIE STARS Aiden Gillen and Tom Vaughan-Lawlor have said that their roles in the RTÉ drama are the toughest they’ve ever had to play. Both featured in Love/Hate as murderous, treacherous gangland bosses but say those roles were like playing Bosco in comparisoncharlie-shock with their characters in the new drama. ‘Ah here,’ said Gillen, ‘those roles were easy. Now I am playing a man who was at a different level of evil than Johnboy. Johnboy wouldn’t have lasted a second with Charlie.’ Vaughan-Lawlor, who plays Char- lie’s press secretary, said: ‘There was a lot of duplicity involved, a lot of wheeling and dealing, a lot of back- stabbing. So playing Nidge in Love/Hate served me well in getting into the mind of a government press secretary, yeah. I just had to ham it up a few notches to be convincing as PJ.’


New Drumm Uproar


In a sensational ruling that has sent shockwaves throughout the financial world, a US judge has ruled that the former Anglo Irish Bank boss David Drumm was “not remotely credible” and that his statements to the court were filled with “outright lies”.

Just seven months after Drumm’s Boston bankruptcy trial, the damning 129,000-page ruling concluded that the 48 year- old banker had made statements to the court that were “knowing and fraudulent”.

Close associates of the former banker immediately expressed their surprise at the latest development. “Although I have never met Mr Drumm and know nothing about his dodgy financial affairs,” said one former colleague, “I have great sympathy for him and his millionaire wife at this very difficult time.”