Category: Craic & Codology

Leinster apologise

Leinster apologise

LEINSTER RUGBY have apologised to season-ticket holders and offered a full refund. Many fans of the 12-County Army are distraught after their Champions Cup hopes were smashed by two defeats in two games. Even the return of injury-prone Johnny Sexton from France couldn’t help the... Read more »

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GAA UPDATE

GAA UPDATE

THE GAA has been praised after successfully passing the baton of wanton violence from International Rules football to Super 11s hurling. The compromise game seemed to be on its deathbed after both Ireland and Australia decided to play in a sporting manner, focus on catching... Read more »

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KEANO’S GUIDE TO FRANCE 2016

Roy Keane

1. FRANCE Look, it’s France. The lads don’t fancy it. Never have. A real lack of desire among the French. Poor defensively. Maginot Line. Lacking in the basic areas of the game. Forget France. Head to Germany and watch the games from there. 2. THE... Read more »

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PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE

    PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE AGENDA     Wave hands about Blame Russia Shout at China Something about polar bears Don’t mention the aviation industry Have a go at India Promise to reduce something or other by 2040 Is that the time already? Menu please... Read more »

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FEARS GROW OF ANOTHER ‘INTEL’

Security forces say Ireland is under a growing threat of more bomb hoaxes as more and more people find jobs they don’t like. “The Intel incident was just the tip of the iceberg”, says one senior security expert. “There is massive discontent out there, especially... Read more »

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PHOTO-OP OF THE WEEK

Attention seeking exhibitionist (centre) appears in St. Stephen’s Green

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Banking Inquiry latest

By Our Financial Staff Phil Pockets Members of the Banking Inquiry yesterday agreed a plan for publishing the panel’s report sometime before 2070. A special finalisation team has been appointed and is already in the process of reducing its initial 750-page report. “We have it... Read more »

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Delaney offers to do IFA job

John Delaney has confirmed that he has offered to take on the role of general secretary of the IFA. It is understood that he phoned in his offer at 4 o’clock in the morning on Thursday of last week, while an emergency meeting of the... Read more »

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NEW SHAM MARRIAGE CRACKDOWN

GARDAI HAVE made a number of arrests in Dublin as part of a crackdown on sham marriages. Over 12 Fine Gael and Labour TDs were taken into custody last week accused of entering into a fake relationship with each other in order to stay in... Read more »

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FG reach consensus on right to reelection

By Our Entire Staff Following a stormy meeting of the parliamentary party, Fine Gael TDs have reached broad agreement on their right to be reelected. “They locked James Reilly in a closet and got on with discussing the Eighth Amendment,” revealed a source. “There was... Read more »

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NEW CENTRES FOR PUBLICITY ADDICTS

Aodhán Ó Geardáin

Minister Aodhán Ó Geardáin has announced innovative new measures aimed at providing more effective treatment for politicians addicted to publicity. Under the new guidelines, ministers will receive controlled doses of PR under strict supervision at approved centres around the country. “We need to end scenarios... Read more »

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More Gilmore book extracts

Eamon Gilmore

It was just another routine day of saving the country when the Taoiseach rang. I was surprised he had my phone number. “Eamon – you might remember me,” he said. “There’s been some stuff happening with Callinan. It took place a fortnight ago and I... Read more »

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Army to be used to prevent withdrawals

Enda Kenny

In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election. “I know this from speaking to a man I... Read more »

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RYANAIR MR NICE GUY TO APPEAR ON STRICTLY COME DANCING

Michael O'Leary

Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news. De Loverly told Take A... Read more »

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Danger of red meat scare stories

Phoenix BW

by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you... Read more »

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“Lefty parties can’t be trusted,” warn Labour

Phoenix BW

The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all... Read more »

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Burton latest

Joan Burton

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course. “Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor

letters to editor

Latest Syrian talks Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria. If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain... Read more »

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Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie The Revenge Of Tóibín

In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs. Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my... Read more »

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Who will replace Billy Walsh?

Boxing

by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show. LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles –... Read more »

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NEXT WEEK’S BESTSELLERS

Phoenix BW

1. Old Stories Of the Rising (Vol 1) by Joe Duffy (Old Rope Press) 2. Callers To Liveline Edited by J. Duffy (Recycled Books) 3. Joe Duffy’s Book Of Traditional 1916 Xmas Recipes (Guff House) 4. Rashers Tierney and Me: The Untold Story by Joe... Read more »

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Pleb Summit Discussion Panels

Cosgrave: self-effacing

The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives Why Isn’t The Wifi Working? Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry? How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced... Read more »

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UFC shock

UFC person

THE LATEST UFC Fight Night in Dublin was marred by a “few mindless idiots”, organisers said. UFC Dublin took place at the 3Arena where the crowd was treated to the best of Mixed Martial Arts bouts, including five Irish fighters in action. However, after they... Read more »

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Euro qualifier update

MARTIN O’NEILL

MARTIN O’NEILL says he will learn lessons from Ireland’s dismal Rugby World Cup showing when it comes to the Euro play-offs against Bosnia-Herzegovina. “We’ve studied the videos closely and identified a number of excuses we can use after we’ve been beaten,” said O’Neill. “Joe Schmidt... Read more »

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DUNPHY SLAMS ‘JUST ONE HOOLAHAN’ IN O’NEILL SQUAD, SHOCK!

Phoenix BW

Football pundit Eamo Grumpy has criticised Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill’s squad selection ahead of the Euro 2016 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina. “It’s an absolute scandal that Wes Hoolahan is only mentioned once in this squad,” slammed the controversial critic yesterday. “Here we... Read more »

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Schmidt vows to find new ways to come up short

Irish Rugby

By Our Rugby Corr, Gerry Thorny An emotional Joe Schmidt has stated he is determined to find new ways for the Irish rugby team to underachieve following their World Cup exit. “There are a lot of tired minds in that dressing room,” said Schmidt. “The... Read more »

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Next Week’s Bestsellers

Next Week’s Bestsellers

1. Paul O’Connell: The Biography (Vol 1), the only officially authorised biography, by Mike Madeup 2. My Pal, Paulie, by his only authorised best friend, Brian ‘Drico’ O’Driscoll 3. The Paul O’Connell I Never Knew, the opening volume in a trilogy by assorted hangers-on 4.... Read more »

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TV3 RUGBY COMPETITION TIME

TV3 RUGBY COMPETITION TIME

Odd 1 Out – One of these guys has absolutely no ball handling experience whatsoever. Can you guess which one? Here’s a clue: He doesn’t play for Goldman Sachs 3rds or speak like an Australian with his head stuck in a lavatory. He knows about... Read more »

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That Budget boxing gesture

That Budget boxing gesture

by Our Dáil Staff Miriam Lurid Speculation has continued about the controversial “punching” gesture which Enda Kenny made while Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald was speaking in the Dáil. Experts in interpreting body language have suggested that the Taoiseach’s repetitive hand movement may have been... Read more »

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SYRIA LATEST

Phoenix BW

RUSSIA AND THE USA have come to an agreement over bombing sorties in the Middle East. Tensions had escalated between the nations after Syria had agreed to allow Russia to ‘have a go at Isis’. However, President Obama was against this from the outset, saying... Read more »

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Westlife react to torture revelations

Phoenix BW

By Our Political Staff Dee Sade A huge storm erupted yesterday after it emerged that the CIA has been using Westlife’s music to torture prisoners in Afghanistan. The news has prompted an outcry from ex-members of the group An angry Shane Filan last night told reporters:... Read more »

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CIA programming 2FM schedules

CIA programming 2FM schedules

Following on from the Westlife CIA torture revelations, it has been further disclosed that the intelligence agency are programming the 2FM daytime schedules. “The fact that 2FM tortures listeners with dross like Westlife, as well as presenters like Eoghan McDermott and Jennifer Maguire, is clear... Read more »

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Rugby World Cup – TV3 Internal Memo

Keith Woods Head

Howayez, What’s the story? We’re only getting about 6000 ads a half and we’re missin so many extra moolah-makin opportunities. We need to think outside the box – oh sorry, I mean the 22 (f***in’ hate this bleedin’ posh sport!) So here’s me suggestions to... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Who are you?! Sir, – I wish to communicate with the three men in trenchcoats who were walking some 50 paces behind me for over 900 metres in Dublin city centre at 3.27 last Friday. I also want to hear from the waiter who loitered at... Read more »

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Hillary romps ahead of Sanders

Hillary Clinton

By Our US Election Staff Phil Paper Following the televised debate in Eastwick, Minnesota, front-runner Hillary Clinton’s lead in the Democratic presidential primary race has soared. According to polls, Clinton is now backed by 97% of Democratic primary voters nationally, compared to 2% for Vermont... Read more »

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“I’m very sorry” – Pope Francis

Phoenix BW

By Our Religious Staff Conor Pope His Holiness, Pope Francis, has again asked forgiveness for recent sex scandals which have reportedly taken place at the Vatican. “I’m really sorry that some critics of Mother Church are interested in spreading a lot of non-stories which may... Read more »

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