Category: Craic & Codology

Dear Brendan…

1st April 2016 Dear Brendan, The Queen has asked me to thank you for your recent letter in which you wished to tell Her Majesty that you have been studying the rules of the Irish Labour Party and would like The Queen to arrange a... Read more »

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JOAN BURTON’S BODY LANGUAGE

1. Head in clouds 2. Nose the game is up 3. Cheek (plenty of) 4. Brass neck 5. Ears open to overtures from Fine Gael 6. Watching back for leadership challenges 7. Keeping an eye on Brendan Howlin, Alan Kelly etc 8. Two fingers to... Read more »

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APOLOGY – KATIE TAYLOR

In common with all other publications, we may have given the impression that Katie Taylor was an unbeatable athlete whose like had not previously been seen on Earth. Headlines such as “Champ Katie Smashes Opposition”, “Heroic Taylor Continues Winning Streak” and “Katie Taylor Is Unbeatable”... Read more »

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Fine Gael and Fianna Fail join forces to agree on historic new term

By our political correspondent Dick Shunairy The country’s two largest political parties yesterday agreed on a historic new term. After three weeks of intensive talks, and following the demise of the term “fiscal space”, the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael negotiating teams have agreed that... Read more »

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ALL PURPOSE SEANAD CANDIDATE SPEECH

“I have always been passionate about the upper chamber, ever since I lost my seat in the election. It makes a vital contribution to our democratic process and provides a handy gig for washed up politicians. “I would implore you to give me your vote... Read more »

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KEY ISSUES AGREED

NEW MINORITY GOVERNMENT Enda Micheál 1 The old Civil War politics to be ended 2 Guarantee of stable government for immediate future 3 Renewed and urgent focus on tackling country’s major problems 4 Partnership approach in the national interest 5 Fine Gael to emerge as... Read more »

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Parties agree framework for further confusion

In a major breakthrough in the current political impasse, parties from all sides last night reached agreement on a programme that will prolong the confusion for several more weeks. “This document offers a clear path out of the present logjam and into another one,” commented... Read more »

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NEW OLYMPIC CONTROVERSY

AER LINGUS have revealed the real reason that Arthur Lanigan-O’Keefe was thrown off a domestic flight. The Olympic hopeful, who competes in the modern pentathlon, was removed from a flight on his way to a competition. The airline said: “We saw the doubled-barrelled name and... Read more »

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Trump supports O’Neill

American Presidential candidate Donald Trump says he “fully endorses” Ireland boss Martin O’Neill’s assertion that only “really attractive” WAGS will be allowed access to his squad’s hotel during Euro 2016 in France. “It’s about time someone spoke out about women in an open, honest and... Read more »

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EUROVISION SHOCK

RTE have confirmed that 2FM boss Dan Healy is to undergo ear surgery “as soon as possible.” The station chief claimed that other radio stations were not playing Nicky Byrne’s Eurovision-bound song ‘Sunlight’ because the singer is a disc jockey with the national broadcaster. A... Read more »

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Unprecedented apocalypse if Irish Water abolished

By Cath O’Strophic Heaven, Hell and the Celtic gods of yore will rain down tongues of fire, unleash giant rats onto the streets and convert the seas to acid if Irish Water is abolished, according to legal opinion supplied to the beleaguered water agency. “And... Read more »

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PREMIERSHIP LATEST

MEMBERS OF the UK football media are questioning their very existence after failing to break the spirits of Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp. The German took over at Anfield last October – a whopping six months ago – and is still in good form, even being... Read more »

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Zuma shock

By Joe Hannesburg Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements... Read more »

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Teachers strike warning

by Our Education Staff – Will Phail Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI). “It now looks as though we will have no alternative but... Read more »

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RESTAURANT REVIEW

By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain... Read more »

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CRIME STATS LATEST

Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More... Read more »

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McShane Euro fears

MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is... Read more »

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DEFENCELESS SOLDIERS BLINDSIDED

One of the Irish Volunteers

1916 Souvenir Edition ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of... Read more »

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Entire party throws hat in ring

Labour Election Latest Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title... Read more »

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Miriam Lord’s Weak

Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks... Read more »

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APPEAL FOR MISSING MAN

An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on... Read more »

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Every school to have own liquor licence

Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.” The... Read more »

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General election analysis – where did it all go wrong?

by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager... Read more »

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WB YEATS ON SIR KNOB: “IMBECILE”

WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have... Read more »

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“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman

Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence. Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but... Read more »

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Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each... Read more »

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New Adams uproar

Gerry Adams

Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event. Soon after the... Read more »

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Carruthers set for shock call-up!

MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham. The player featured prominently during the festival and was described... Read more »

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“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists

Phoenix BW

by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties. “Yes, I’ve made it perfectly... Read more »

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In Memory of Paul Daniels

Phoenix BW

Farewell then, Paul Daniels I half liked your deception But not a lot As you used to say But this is an exception So well done, fair play No smoke and mirrors as once feared This time you really have Disappeared TV LISTINGS 24 Hours... Read more »

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Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell

Daniella Moyles

It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s... Read more »

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Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour

Phoenix BW

POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe. While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged... Read more »

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LUAS LATEST

Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue. A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains. A spokesman said:... Read more »

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Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries

Phoenix BW

Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged! Caller: Too feckin’ right I have! JD: Do you know who did it to you? Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths! JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any... Read more »

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Rising celebrations celebrated

Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities

As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.) Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster... Read more »

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FIANNA FAIL UPDATE

FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”. The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are... Read more »

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