Category: Craic & Codology

Greeks ‘losing patience with Germans’

The euro’s future was again heading towards jeopardy last night, after Greece warned Germany to “get its act together” over bailout funding. The warning followed increasing uncertainty amongst German politicians, before the country’s parliament agreed to allow the ESM provide a third bailout. “To be... Read more »

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‘SHAM MARRIAGES’ TARGETED

Calls were growing last night for political ‘marriages of convenience’ to be outlawed. The demands come amidst increasing public anger that such arrangements are merely sham exercises where one or both parties merely want to secure residency in Leinster House. Critics say in many cases... Read more »

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CAO LATEST OFFERS

TRINITY Hipster Studies Theory and Practice of Hipsterism (formerly Takeaway Psychology). Introduction to socio-political relevance of big beards, vintage and thrift shop clothes, shiny brown shoes, braces, tattoos, alternative music and pretentious views about organic food. UCD Sleep Management Open-ended distant learning analysis (replacing Shopping... Read more »

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LATEST DONALD TRUMP INITIATIVES

Donald Trump

■ Compulsory wearing of baseball caps 24/7 ■ Obama to be tried for not committing any war crimes ■ America to invade some place ■ Sarah Palin’s birthday to be a national holiday ■ Kick Putin’s ass

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ELECTRIC PICNIC HIGHLIGHTS

NEW LOOK FINE GAEL FRONTBENCH

SUDOKU PARTY Combining burlesque, origami, cookery and experimental theatre, this unique chill-out space is located in an upside-down bouncy castle. Th ere will be special backwards screenings of Tarkovsky and Godard films, while guest DJs include Gavin Friday, Gary Lightbody and Eddie Hobbs. PLANT HIRE... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor – 28/8/2015

Concerned male Sir, – I am gravely concerned over the speculation surrounding this newfangled Viagra for women folk, which we are hearing so much about. Like any red-blooded Irish man, I am absolutely appalled that the fairer sex should feel it requisite to pop a... Read more »

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Darron Gibson update

Darron Gibson

IRELAND BOSS Martin O’Neill says he will give evidence in the trial of midfielder Darron Gibson after he was charged with drink-driving. Th e Everton man is alleged to have been involved in a hit-and-run with a cyclist, failing to stop after an accident and... Read more »

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US SHOOTING LATEST

An American man shot dead by his two-year-old son “died doing what he loved”, according to a close friend. Th e Alabama resident was showing his young son how to fi re a revolver when the fatal accident occurred. “If there is any consolation it’s... Read more »

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O’NEILL ORDERS POLICE SEARCH FOR NEW TALENT

Ireland football manager Martin O’Neill has asked An Garda Síochána and British police forces to search their files for any exciting young talent that may have been overlooked. Th e Irish boss is also understood to be keen on establishing a prison scouting system across... Read more »

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Schmidt hails World Cup preparations

IRELAND’S PREPARATIONS for a World Cup of mediocrity are in full fl ow after easy wins over the mighty Wales and Scotland. Now ranked as the second best team in the world, Joe Schmidt’s men are right on track to repeat the glorious failures of... Read more »

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Ashley Madison shock

Thousands of Irish people are living in fear, after details of their online activities were leaked on the Dark Net following the Ashley Madison hack. The expose threatens to reveal the sordid internet history, email addresses and pictures of the users. It is expected to... Read more »

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More Star non-stories

Following on from their sensational scoop about Alan Shatter allegedly claiming 12 euro in expenses, the Irish Daily Star has uncovered further evidence of outrageous extravagance amongst Irish politicians. According to documents seen by the paper, TDs have claimed upwards of 30 cents for items... Read more »

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NASA to help with Irish Water

The Government is to ask NASA for help with administering Irish Water, it has confirmed. The coalition no longer has any clue who qualifies for the €100 conservation grant and requires the space agency’s help with the calculations. “This is obviously a massive project for... Read more »

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KELLY ‘DISCUSSED HOMELESS CRISIS WITH HOTEL STAFF’

Minister for Doorways and Park Benches Alan Kelly has stringently defended his approach to the country’s homeless crisis, and denies he failed adequately to address the situation while on his summer holidays. “To say I was ‘hiding’ from the issue is a monstrous fallacy of... Read more »

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Power finds new way to not get elected

averil-power-head-in-hand

Former Fianna Fail Senator Averil Power has confi rmed she has found a new route to not getting elected. Having already failed to get elected for FF, Power has revealed that she faces rejection as an Independent candidate in Dublin Bay North at the next... Read more »

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Sinn Féin planning to enslave humanity

Martin McGuinness contemplates his next move

Sinn Féin is hatching a diabolical plan to bring about the end of days, it has emerged. Last night we tracked down the party’s spokesman, known only as Legion, to his hideaway lair where he warned of the dark terror to come. “The time of... Read more »

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OPERATION TRANSFORMATION 2015

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Meet The (Wannabe) Leaders Eddie HobbsAlways prepared to jump onto the nearest bandwagon, Eddie is highly motivated and especially keen to shed the entire public service who are draining essential private profits out of the body politic. Shane Ross The dapper Dublin South TD... Read more »

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] CLOONEY VISIT Sir, – On behalf of the entire country, may I be the first to the legendary George Clooney and his beautiful bride Amal Alama- dwun to our shores. Hollywood’s glamorous A-list couple have been extremely busy since they celebrated their marriage last... Read more »

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THAT FINE GAEL THINK TANK

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KEANO UPDATE

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] ROY KEANE has vowed to quit giving up on things for 2015. Having recently left his assistant manager position at Aston Villa after just four and half months, the Cork man has vowed to cut down on the habit. ‘The idea came from going... Read more »

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FLANNERY LATEST

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Former Fine Gael strategist Crank Flannery has said the party’s very existence is threatened unless he is on board for the next general election. Speaking last night, Flannery commented: “Ireland is heading for an apocalyptic abyss if Enda doesn’t utilise my extraordinary political genius. I think it’s time the media focused... Read more »

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EMPTY BED FOUND IN HOSPITAL – INQUIRY DEMANDED

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Angry crowds gathered out- side the Ministry of Health last night after it was revealed that a free bed had been dis- covered in one leading Dublin hospital. The demonstrators handed out leaflets claiming that pa- tients on trolleys had already suffered enough without... Read more »

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NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Rory McIlroy: Try to win 3 majors to be in with a shout of winning the BBC Sports Personality Conor McGregor: Learn to be more outgoing David Drumm: Take acting lessons to become more convincing Ched Evans: Contact Mike Tyson regarding getting career back... Read more »

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TV LISTINGS

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Game Of Thrones: Sexually explicit, ultra-violent story of medieval political intrigue. Contains strong language and scenes some viewers may find distressing. Starring Aidan Gillen Charlie: Sexually explicit, ultra-violent story of medieval political intrigue. Contains strong language and scenes some viewers may find distressing. Starring... Read more »

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CHARLIE SHOCK

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] CHARLIE STARS Aiden Gillen and Tom Vaughan-Lawlor have said that their roles in the RTÉ drama are the toughest they’ve ever had to play. Both featured in Love/Hate as murderous, treacherous gangland bosses but say those roles were like playing Bosco in comparison with... Read more »

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New Drumm Uproar

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] In a sensational ruling that has sent shockwaves throughout the financial world, a US judge has ruled that the former Anglo Irish Bank boss David Drumm was “not remotely credible” and that his statements to the court were filled with “outright lies”. Just seven... Read more »

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REBOOT IRELAND LATEST

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Health experts say Ireland is facing a “catastrophic” population explosion due to the political party being launched by former Fine Gael TD Lucinda Creighton. “The new party’s four founding principles are so in- credibly promising and reassuring for Ireland’s future that people are inevitably going... Read more »

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IRISH INDOBRIENDENT NEW EDITOR HAILS FRESH DIRECTION

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] As he commences his new role as editor of the Irish Independent, Fionnan Spleen yesterday stated that the paper was about to enter an exciting new era. “Under the guidance of the supreme leader, his magnificence Denis O’Brien, the Irish Spindo can look forward... Read more »

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