Category: Craic & Codology

Schmidt vows to find new ways to come up short

Irish Rugby

By Our Rugby Corr, Gerry Thorny An emotional Joe Schmidt has stated he is determined to find new ways for the Irish rugby team to underachieve following their World Cup exit. “There are a lot of tired minds in that dressing room,” said Schmidt. “The... Read more »

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TV3 RUGBY COMPETITION TIME

TV3 RUGBY COMPETITION TIME

Odd 1 Out – One of these guys has absolutely no ball handling experience whatsoever. Can you guess which one? Here’s a clue: He doesn’t play for Goldman Sachs 3rds or speak like an Australian with his head stuck in a lavatory. He knows about... Read more »

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That Budget boxing gesture

That Budget boxing gesture

by Our Dáil Staff Miriam Lurid Speculation has continued about the controversial “punching” gesture which Enda Kenny made while Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald was speaking in the Dáil. Experts in interpreting body language have suggested that the Taoiseach’s repetitive hand movement may have been... Read more »

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SYRIA LATEST

Phoenix BW

RUSSIA AND THE USA have come to an agreement over bombing sorties in the Middle East. Tensions had escalated between the nations after Syria had agreed to allow Russia to ‘have a go at Isis’. However, President Obama was against this from the outset, saying... Read more »

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Westlife react to torture revelations

Phoenix BW

By Our Political Staff Dee Sade A huge storm erupted yesterday after it emerged that the CIA has been using Westlife’s music to torture prisoners in Afghanistan. The news has prompted an outcry from ex-members of the group An angry Shane Filan last night told reporters:... Read more »

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CIA programming 2FM schedules

CIA programming 2FM schedules

Following on from the Westlife CIA torture revelations, it has been further disclosed that the intelligence agency are programming the 2FM daytime schedules. “The fact that 2FM tortures listeners with dross like Westlife, as well as presenters like Eoghan McDermott and Jennifer Maguire, is clear... Read more »

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Next Week’s Bestsellers

Next Week’s Bestsellers

1. Paul O’Connell: The Biography (Vol 1), the only officially authorised biography, by Mike Madeup 2. My Pal, Paulie, by his only authorised best friend, Brian ‘Drico’ O’Driscoll 3. The Paul O’Connell I Never Knew, the opening volume in a trilogy by assorted hangers-on 4.... Read more »

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Rugby World Cup – TV3 Internal Memo

Keith Woods Head

Howayez, What’s the story? We’re only getting about 6000 ads a half and we’re missin so many extra moolah-makin opportunities. We need to think outside the box – oh sorry, I mean the 22 (f***in’ hate this bleedin’ posh sport!) So here’s me suggestions to... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor

Denis O’Brien spots some suspicious activity

Who are you?! Sir, – I wish to communicate with the three men in trenchcoats who were walking some 50 paces behind me for over 900 metres in Dublin city centre at 3.27 last Friday. I also want to hear from the waiter who loitered at... Read more »

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Hillary romps ahead of Sanders

Hillary Clinton

By Our US Election Staff Phil Paper Following the televised debate in Eastwick, Minnesota, front-runner Hillary Clinton’s lead in the Democratic presidential primary race has soared. According to polls, Clinton is now backed by 97% of Democratic primary voters nationally, compared to 2% for Vermont... Read more »

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“I’m very sorry” – Pope Francis

Phoenix BW

By Our Religious Staff Conor Pope His Holiness, Pope Francis, has again asked forgiveness for recent sex scandals which have reportedly taken place at the Vatican. “I’m really sorry that some critics of Mother Church are interested in spreading a lot of non-stories which may... Read more »

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Miss Bikini Ireland shock

Some Normal Women

THE DALAI Lama and Patrick Guinness have been chosen to judge the controversial Miss Bikini Ireland competition. The men were selected after their recent comments about women. The chief man in Buddhism said that if there was a female Dalai Lama reincarnation, she would have... Read more »

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What the Budget means for you

Phoenix BW

A housebound single male parent reflects… “Having prayed for seven hours for seven days in the seven weeks prior to the budget, I felt sure that the finance minister would listen to the advice of a Greater Power and provide some relief for people in... Read more »

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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CARRICKMINES

Phoenix BW

I Thou shalt not have other Godforsaken people before US!II Thou shalt not take the name of me and the others who lord it over you in vain.III Remember the name of the street and keep it wholly amongst ourselves.IV Honour your father and your... Read more »

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THIS YEAR’S HALLOWEEN COSTUME SPECIALS

Mick or Treat!

Dress up like MICK WALLACE and scare the bejaysus out of half of the Northern Ireland Assembly. A SHANE LONG mask that will have 80 millions Germans shaking with fear SEAN O’BRIEN – Attack a Frenchie and get off (almost) scot-free DENIS O’BRIEN WIG &... Read more »

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“My living nightmare”

by Yvonne Connolly Apart from being one of the country’s most beautiful and incredibly talented models, I’ve always been a highly intuitive person who has a lot to give. Of course, my glamorous Boyzone marriage brought its own pressure, but I was lucky enough able... Read more »

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Deez Nuts rules out Irish Cabinet role

US Presidential hopeful Deez Nuts has ruled out taking a role in the Irish Cabinet. The 15-year-old has gained surprising traction for his candidacy, polling at up to 9% in one state, but has insisted a post in Enda Kenny’s government is not in the... Read more »

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HEALTH MATTERS

This week, top nutritionist Dr. Paschal Donohoe offers some food for thought on how to prevent pain and ruination in Ireland. As a doctor I am oft en asked, “Doc, what dietary recommendation have you to reduce high blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and help... Read more »

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Caution urged over female Viagra stories

Medical authorities last night cautioned that female Viagra stories may lead to exhaustion amongst males who struggle to keep pace with the exciting development. The warnings come as three hacks were found collapsed over their desks in the early hours of the morning as they... Read more »

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Greeks ‘losing patience with Germans’

The euro’s future was again heading towards jeopardy last night, after Greece warned Germany to “get its act together” over bailout funding. The warning followed increasing uncertainty amongst German politicians, before the country’s parliament agreed to allow the ESM provide a third bailout. “To be... Read more »

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‘SHAM MARRIAGES’ TARGETED

Calls were growing last night for political ‘marriages of convenience’ to be outlawed. The demands come amidst increasing public anger that such arrangements are merely sham exercises where one or both parties merely want to secure residency in Leinster House. Critics say in many cases... Read more »

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CAO LATEST OFFERS

TRINITY Hipster Studies Theory and Practice of Hipsterism (formerly Takeaway Psychology). Introduction to socio-political relevance of big beards, vintage and thrift shop clothes, shiny brown shoes, braces, tattoos, alternative music and pretentious views about organic food. UCD Sleep Management Open-ended distant learning analysis (replacing Shopping... Read more »

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LATEST DONALD TRUMP INITIATIVES

Donald Trump

■ Compulsory wearing of baseball caps 24/7 ■ Obama to be tried for not committing any war crimes ■ America to invade some place ■ Sarah Palin’s birthday to be a national holiday ■ Kick Putin’s ass

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ELECTRIC PICNIC HIGHLIGHTS

NEW LOOK FINE GAEL FRONTBENCH

SUDOKU PARTY Combining burlesque, origami, cookery and experimental theatre, this unique chill-out space is located in an upside-down bouncy castle. Th ere will be special backwards screenings of Tarkovsky and Godard films, while guest DJs include Gavin Friday, Gary Lightbody and Eddie Hobbs. PLANT HIRE... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor – 28/8/2015

Concerned male Sir, – I am gravely concerned over the speculation surrounding this newfangled Viagra for women folk, which we are hearing so much about. Like any red-blooded Irish man, I am absolutely appalled that the fairer sex should feel it requisite to pop a... Read more »

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Darron Gibson update

Darron Gibson

IRELAND BOSS Martin O’Neill says he will give evidence in the trial of midfielder Darron Gibson after he was charged with drink-driving. Th e Everton man is alleged to have been involved in a hit-and-run with a cyclist, failing to stop after an accident and... Read more »

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US SHOOTING LATEST

An American man shot dead by his two-year-old son “died doing what he loved”, according to a close friend. Th e Alabama resident was showing his young son how to fi re a revolver when the fatal accident occurred. “If there is any consolation it’s... Read more »

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O’NEILL ORDERS POLICE SEARCH FOR NEW TALENT

Ireland football manager Martin O’Neill has asked An Garda Síochána and British police forces to search their files for any exciting young talent that may have been overlooked. Th e Irish boss is also understood to be keen on establishing a prison scouting system across... Read more »

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Schmidt hails World Cup preparations

IRELAND’S PREPARATIONS for a World Cup of mediocrity are in full fl ow after easy wins over the mighty Wales and Scotland. Now ranked as the second best team in the world, Joe Schmidt’s men are right on track to repeat the glorious failures of... Read more »

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Ashley Madison shock

Thousands of Irish people are living in fear, after details of their online activities were leaked on the Dark Net following the Ashley Madison hack. The expose threatens to reveal the sordid internet history, email addresses and pictures of the users. It is expected to... Read more »

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More Star non-stories

Following on from their sensational scoop about Alan Shatter allegedly claiming 12 euro in expenses, the Irish Daily Star has uncovered further evidence of outrageous extravagance amongst Irish politicians. According to documents seen by the paper, TDs have claimed upwards of 30 cents for items... Read more »

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NASA to help with Irish Water

The Government is to ask NASA for help with administering Irish Water, it has confirmed. The coalition no longer has any clue who qualifies for the €100 conservation grant and requires the space agency’s help with the calculations. “This is obviously a massive project for... Read more »

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KELLY ‘DISCUSSED HOMELESS CRISIS WITH HOTEL STAFF’

Minister for Doorways and Park Benches Alan Kelly has stringently defended his approach to the country’s homeless crisis, and denies he failed adequately to address the situation while on his summer holidays. “To say I was ‘hiding’ from the issue is a monstrous fallacy of... Read more »

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Power finds new way to not get elected

averil-power-head-in-hand

Former Fianna Fail Senator Averil Power has confi rmed she has found a new route to not getting elected. Having already failed to get elected for FF, Power has revealed that she faces rejection as an Independent candidate in Dublin Bay North at the next... Read more »

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Sinn Féin planning to enslave humanity

Martin McGuinness contemplates his next move

Sinn Féin is hatching a diabolical plan to bring about the end of days, it has emerged. Last night we tracked down the party’s spokesman, known only as Legion, to his hideaway lair where he warned of the dark terror to come. “The time of... Read more »

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OPERATION TRANSFORMATION 2015

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Meet The (Wannabe) Leaders Eddie HobbsAlways prepared to jump onto the nearest bandwagon, Eddie is highly motivated and especially keen to shed the entire public service who are draining essential private profits out of the body politic. Shane Ross The dapper Dublin South TD... Read more »

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