Category: Craic & Codology

REASONS ENDA KENNY HASN’T CALLED THE ELECTION YET

Enda Kenny

Not used to doing something without being instructed first by Angela Merkel Still has to finish season five of Homeland Can’t work up nerve to defend austerity Too excited about Guns N’ Roses reunion Still room for more bullshit in manifesto        ... Read more »

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FORM A GOVERNMENT

Advertisement  It’s the bored game no one’s talking about! In this exciting new game, you play a highly-paid party adviser with one challenge – forming a government in the aftermath of the election, at any cost! Use your negotiating skills to come to the best... Read more »

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PLANET 9 UPDATE

Phoenix BW

Louth County Council says it is “following with interest” reports of a possible ‘ninth planet’ existing in Earth’s solar system, as it attempts to relocate Traveller families it recently evicted. Said a council spokesman, “Certainly the planet would seem to provide ample space for play... Read more »

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Fitzgerald calls for calm

Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald has called for “reason and calm” amidst the ongoing controversy over GSOC and gardaí accessing journalists’ phone records. “We need a proper perspective here,” the minister is alleged to have told a close friend on the phone, according to a man... Read more »

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Apartment Wanted

Apartment measuring 15 sq m. Bed must be no more than 5cm from door, and ceiling no more than 4ft from floor. Contact Alan at Dept of Environment.  

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NO CUTS TO ELECTION SPENDING, ASSURES TAOISEACH

As the election nears, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has assured voters that there will be no cuts to campaign spending by the Fine Gael party. “We have a modest E2bn war-chest and we’ll be using it wisely,” said Mr Kenny. “People can rest assured that there... Read more »

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JOHN DELANEY LATEST

LABOUR SUPPORTERS say they are shocked that FAI boss John Delaney is backing their candidate in Tipperary, Minister Alan Kelly. The soccer chief hit the streets of the Premier County with the TD, urging voters to get behind his friend in the upcoming election. “He... Read more »

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O’Sullivan reassures on phone records

Phoenix BW

In her latest bid to allay public concerns over access to phone records by gardaí and other state bodies, Garda Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan has insisted that her organisation would only access private citizens’ records “in cases of extreme necessity”. “An Garda Síochána has no interest... Read more »

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The David Bowie I didn’t know

Like everyone else who didn’t know David Bowie, I knew him in a very special way that can only happen by knowing someone intimately through his music. To me, of course, the kind of relationship I shared with David was all the more meaningful for... Read more »

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More GSOC revelations

GSOC agents who snooped on a number of Independent News & Media journalists came across a plot to flood the front pages with the latest celebrity gossip that ‘you need to know’. Expecting to uncover details of hidden political agendas, the agents were shocked to... Read more »

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“My phone was not hacked,” admits shocked journalist

Phoenix BW

by Our Security Staff, Conor Doolally A prominent journalist who cannot be named for legal reasons admitted last night that his telephone had not been hacked by gardaí at any stage over the past year. “When I found myself not being arrested at dawn, I immediately... Read more »

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Concern mounts over rise in extremists

Two of the extremists on the Garda watchlist

By Joky Corcoran Shocking results from the latest Millward Frown poll suggest that Irish people are becoming increasingly concerned about the number of extremists in their midst. In particular, alarm has grown about the prominence of the so-called Fine Gael organisation, headed up by the... Read more »

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Noonan and Howlin salute themselves

by Our Political Staff Martin Woeful The two ministers at the Department of Finance have paid tribute to each other, saying that their close personal relationship has been the key to Ireland’s continuing economic recovery. Announcing the latest Exchequer returns yesterday, Michael Noonan and Brendan... Read more »

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‘I WASTED NO TIME IN SOURCING HELICOPTER,’ INSISTS TAOISEACH

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vehemently dismissed criticism of his government’s response to the country’s flood crisis, and insists it “reacted as quickly as possible” to the unfolding disaster. “I had scarcely finished my post-breakfast crossword before calling someone who knows who to ring for the... Read more »

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Renua Latest

Renua Ireland yesterday unveiled its 2016 election manifesto. The glossy full-colour 2-page document outlined the new party’s positions on a wide range of political issues, including taxation, crime and redressing the gender balance in government. “To kick-start the economy, we will bring in a compulsory... Read more »

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CALLS FOR NEW QUOTA

POLICITICANS FROM all the major political parties have dismissed calls for the introduction of a ‘clean candidates’ quota. An international democracy observation body has called for Ireland to ensure that 30 per cent of candidates running in local and general elections are not corrupt. However,... Read more »

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UN TO ACT AGAINST NORTH KOREA

In response to North Korea’s latest nuclear test, the UN Security Council is gearing up to implement “significant” punitive measures against the Pyongyang government. In a statement released yesterday, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon warned North Korea that the UN would be re-issuing a new resolution... Read more »

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New Year’s Resolutions

Teresa Mannion

Towards the end of last year I discovered the joy of swimming and I would like to improve my strokes in deep water, especially as I believe that, with the help of Government policy, swimming will become an increasingly common activity in Ireland in the... Read more »

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DEENIHAN SHOCK

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Letters to the Editor

Hook: shameful record

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000) Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK) Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap Note: please provide name and address so we can weed out any non-professionals. Letters may be edited or cut... Read more »

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RTÉ search for new director general

Phoenix BW

by Our Media Staff Phillipa Column As speculation continues about who is to be RTÉ’s new director-general, several prominent names have emerged as front-runners for what has been described as “the biggest job in Irish broadcasting”. However, current deputy-director Kevin Bratwurst, a former BBC News... Read more »

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Election latest

FOOTBALL BOSSES Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini are being head-hunted by all the major political parties ahead of the upcoming general election. The duo have been banned from football activities after an investigation by the Fifa Ethics Committee into a payment made by Blatter to... Read more »

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Is there too much about 1916 in the media?

Phoenix BW

by Our Fever Staff Phil Space Is there too much coverage of the 1916 centenary in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has just asked me to address in this latest 900-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the historic commemorations. However,... Read more »

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LIGHTWEIGHT KNOCKED OUT IN 13 SECONDS

Conor McGregor is celebrating his latest triumph after knocking out lightweight opponent Enda Kenny in just 13 seconds. In front of a packed house in Las Vegas, McGregor saw off the Mayo man in record time, leaving Kenny’s entourage – headed by Michael Noonan and... Read more »

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McELVANEY SPEAKS OUT

Phoenix BW

HUGH MCELVANEY says there are still plenty of wind farm opportunities in Monaghan and warned potential investors not to be put off by RTÉ’s shenanigans. The ex-Fine Gael councillor caught out the national broadcaster in a reverse sting, showing them up as part of a... Read more »

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Councillor doesn’t ask for bribe shock

by Our Political Staff – Phil Wallet THE Irish political scene was rocked today by the revelation that a local councillor had not asked for money in exchange for introducing an undercover RTÉ reporter to a network of influential government contacts. In an immediate reaction, other... Read more »

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McELVANEY’S GREAT CHRISTMAS SALE

This is the season to be generous and just to prove that generosity works two ways, we at McElvaney’s ‘Planning and Investment Scheme Services ‘(PISS) are offering you these fabulous one-off reductions in our advisory service over the festive season.  Was:  Now Only:  Industrial Development:... Read more »

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Calls to bring Mannion to France

By Our Meteorological Staff Pressure was growing on Republic of Ireland boss Martin O’Neill last night to include sensational weather star Teresa Mannion in his squad for next year’s European Championships. The calls to bring the Galway-based reporter to France follow her amazing performance in... Read more »

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FLOOD WATERS INUNDATE DUBLIN

by Our Wet Office Staff, Jawn Waters WITH ADVERSE weather conditions continuing to cause havoc across Central Dublin last night, there were harrowing scenes in Kildare Street when unprecedented floods of tears left over a hundred people stranded and fearing for their political lives. Leinster... Read more »

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US Airforce on ‘high alert’ as Wallace and Daly released

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins American defence officials say its airforce has been placed on “level 10 red alert” following news that Wexford TD Mick Wallace has been released from prison. “We are taking no chances”, says Senior Air Command Officer Larry Sodaguzzler. “This crazed, pink-shirted... Read more »

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New Trump outrage

by Our Political Corr, Phil Column Having run out of minorities to attack, Donald Trump has called on his own supporters to be deported. At a rally where the Republican candidate stood amidst hundreds of his own fans, he shouted that in order to “make... Read more »

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McGREGOR SALUTES MANNION

MOTORMOUTH CONOR McGregor has hailed Teresa Mannion for her outstanding display of reporting during Storm Desmond. The RTÉ employee went viral after her live report from a rain-lashed Salthill in Galway. The UFC star said: “She flailed around hysterically, talked absolute guff and generally hammed... Read more »

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TRAVELLERS TURNED AWAY FROM INN

Phoenix BW

In a harrowing Yuletide tale, two weary travellers were turned away from an inn in Limerick because there was no room. Echoing the story of the Nativity, the bedraggled couple were refused entry to accommodation after a long trek in stormy weather and had to... Read more »

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BAD SEASONAL CHAT-UP LINES

“ESRI report and chill?” “Fancy going to an industrial tribunal next week?” “I have a couple of passes to the next Siptu conference.” “Eamon Gilmore’s memoir is amazing.” “Have you read Cliff Taylor’s latest Irish Times column?” “I love when Philip Boucher Hayes stands in... Read more »

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CHRISTMAS MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS

Return to the Jungle of the Apes Leo Varadkar plays Tarzan in this classic remake of a seasonal movie favourite. Includes unforgettable spectacular outdoor sequence when all the creepy-crawly friends furiously climb the greasy pole. Co-starring a feisty Frances Fitzgerald as Jane and Simon Coveney... Read more »

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That historic climate change agreement

Phoenix BW

50% increase in hot air from Barack Obama 10 degree rise in temperature amongst environmentalists 100 percent increase in politicians patting themselves on the back 70 percent increase in corporations looking for loopholes in restrictions Enda Kenny and Irish cabinet to maintain current rate of... Read more »

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