Category: Craic & Codology

BORIS: BOG OFF!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes! What an absolute hoo-ha over a complete shower of fuddy-duddy judges ganging up on Bozza and saying that I told a lot of porkies to the queen. Tosh and poppycock! Otherwise, it’s been all go preparing... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3720

StD-3720

Incredible Hulk Boris Johnson You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry You wouldn’t like him Green-skinned Thin-skinned Hounded by a journalist Hounded by journalists Full of muscles Outmuscled by Supreme Court Ferocious temper Ferocious waffler Mild-mannered alter ego Ego is never mild Always rips his... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TV PROGRAMME ENDS SHOCK!

Xpose

by Our TV staff Dee List An early evening entertainment programme featuring fashion, beauty and showbiz gossip is being shelved after 12 years on the air. On other pages C-list celebs from the very first show C-list celebs from the final show 250 pictures of... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE DAILY BORISGRAPH

Boris boxing

Yellowhammer scare-mongering! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t What a terrific tip-top week for yours truly in the midst of the political maelstrom and coming out smelling of roses on all fronts! Talk about out-smarting the Westminster oiks and fighting the deadly enemy on... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH

Joe Brolly

THE starry-eyed expression and familiar smirk speak volumes about his troubled period. Although he has done everything humanly possible to avoid publicity, Joe (his real name) has been experiencing unspeakable dangers over recent times. Despite a lifetime of selfless service to the public at large,... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

JAPAN 2019 – THREE MEN TO WATCH

Rugby-men-1

Ardie Haka Weighing in at just under 37 stone, the New Zealand No 10 shirt is a force to be reckoned with. Haka has already carved out a successful career for himself by converting opposing wingers from well within his own 20-yard line. Yutaka Sushi... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

JAPAN 2019 WORLD CUP EXCITEMENT REACHES FEVER PITCH

Rugby WC logo

by Our Entire Staff With the Rugby World Cup just days away, unparalleled numbers of Irish fans are erupting in a frenzy of eager anticipation. Sports minister Shane Ross has strongly advised supporters travelling to Japan over the next month to make themselves fully aware... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIPS WINNERS

Ploughing Champs

Reaping what you sow: Labour Party meitheal Milking it: Maria Bailey co-operative Making a pig’s ear out of everything: Farmer Eoghan Murphy Making hay while the sun shines: Landlord gang Letting grass grow under feet: Farmer Harris Producing bull manure: Farmer Johnson

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

ADVERTISEMENT – GREALISH SPONGE

Sponge

Are you keen on maintaining an uncontaminated environment? Then worry no more, thanks to the amazing Grealish Sponge The only heavy-duty cleansing agent you’ll ever need! Home-grown product guaranteed to get rid of all undesirable matter Mops up unwanted spillages, including trickles of Syrians into... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NOEL GREALISH DEFENDS SPONGING

Noel Grealish

By Mai Grant THERE IS growing pressure on Noel Grealish to resign from his Dáil seat following a series of controversial statements and embarrassing evidence of cult-like behaviour in the past. During a public meeting about the proposed opening of a direct provision centre in... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THAT FÉILE 2019 LINE-UP

Creed Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step. The House Martin Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THOSE NEW STORM NAMES

storm clouds

Storm Phil Known for very dark clouds and likely to play havoc with water supplies. Threatening gloom across British Isles as it mingles with the trade winds. Cyclone Roy The most unforgiving pattern of all, typically recognised by an icy chill giving way to extremely... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

HEAVENLY EXCLUSIVE – MIR.I.AM TIP-TOES BACK TO THE CHURCH

Miriam O’Callaghan

Mir.i.am – the TV presenter formerly known as Miriam O’Callaghan – has revealed (phwaor! – Ed) that she is tip-toeing back to the church. “It’s true,” she says. “I cannot lie. I have been making secret visits to my local church on my own in... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THOSE 2019 CULTURE NIGHT EXPERIENCES

Culture night logo

HSE Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t. Éir Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

JOHN BOLTON FAVOURITES

John Bolton

Favourite film: World War ZFavourite song: Invaders Must Die, The ProdigyFavourite TV show: EmpireFavourite animal: HawkFavourite food: YellowcakeFavourite weather: Desert StormFavourite strike: Pre-emptiveFavourite exercise: Arms raceFavourite hobby: Smoking gunsFavourite plant: Bush

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TV LISTINGS

Keith Barry

The Keith Barry Experience – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Join magician Keith Barry as he shrinks RTÉ’s audience share before your very eyes. He will also attempt to hypnotise programme schedulers into giving him another series. The Restaurant – Virgin Media One, 9.00pm: Phil Hogan reminiscences... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SINN FÉIN LOTTO WIN

SINN FEIN Thumbs Up

by Our Financial Staff – Phil Coffers A PROMINENT political party leader based in West Belfast today collected one of the biggest-ever lottery wins in recent years. At a public ceremony in the city centre, a smiling Michelle O’Neill received a cheque for £1.5 million... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

ELECTRIC CAR TIPS

Shane Ross electric car

Motoring Expert Shane Ross’s Guide to Futuristic Driving Q. Is Irish motoring changing radically? A. Absolutely! Beyond recognition thanks to the latest progressive initiatives by the transport minister. Q. Will self-drive cars be available soon? A. Yep! It’s happening right now with ministerial vehicles in... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RTÉ AUTUMN TV HIGHLIGHTS

Ryan Tubridy

Coping with Climate Change Montrose documentary that asks the vital questions. Will RTÉ disappear beneath the waves as viewers drift away? Why is Ray D’Arcy’s audience shrinking faster than was thought? How much more hot air can we expect from Brendan O’Connor? Is it possible... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

COMPULSORY SIMON HARRIS

Simon Harris

Parents across Ireland say they will strongly resist any attempt to make Simon Harris compulsory. “Simon would be a great shot in the arm for the country for decades to come,” noted one FG lackey yesterday, while another observer noted that the baby-faced minister “very... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

EPSTEIN ‘DIDN’T KNOW’

article-default

By Terry-Bell Cad RELATIVES of the late Jeffrey Epstein say his name is being “dragged unfairly through the mud” and insist the disgraced pervert moneybags “had no idea” that Prince Andrew was a member of the British Royal Family. Speaking from one of the late... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MICHAEL CREED FAVOURITES!

Michael Creed

Favourite Film: Hamburger HillFavourite TV show: The Price is Right Favourite Band: The Flying PicketsFavourite Song: Can’t You Hear the Cows, The TurtlesFavourite Comedian: Angus DeaytonFavourite Hobby: BullfightingFavourite Food: Curry favourFavourite Exercise: Hand-wringingFavourite Politician: Jack StrawFavourite Body Part: Calf

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

McILROY FAILS TO F**K UP

article-default

GOLFER Rory McIlroy stood accused last night of having little regard for the livelihoods of journalists. The accusations followed the County Down man’s $15m victory in the FedExpensive Cup in Atlanta. The win side-swiped commentators, who had been poised to knock out mocking articles highlighting... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE ROAD TO JAPAN 2019

Micheál Martin

Micheal Martin Rugby is very like politics, with lots of mauling and dragging guys down. I’ll be watching the props in particular – the better I become at propping up, the longer I’ll have a job. Shane Ross If we protect our wicket like I... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TOPICAL WORDS – COMPILED BY DICK SHUNARY

dictionary

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of words that have suddenly become newsworthy Prorogue To discontinue a session of (a parliament or other legislative assembly) without dissolving it. Pro rogue To be supportive of a rogue (a dishonest or unprincipled man).

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

KRISPY KREME SPECIALS

Donuts

To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market: The Schmidt This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering. The Deasy Crusty lump... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

ANCIENT SKULL VICTIM OF NOTORIOUS TRIBE

ancient skull

By Archie Ologist GEOLOGISTS say damage to an ancient fossil skull found in Ethiopa may have been caused by a member of a notorious, warrior tribe known as the McGregorians. The skull had a large section of jaw missing, which was “typical of the kind... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3718

Oliver Cromwell Boris Johnson Roundhead Pig-headed Beheaded King Decapitated Theresa May Suspended Parliament Suspended Parliament Hated the Irish Really Hates the Irish Genocidal Maniac Egomaniac Sacked Wexford Sacked Old Cabinet Puritanical Pure Chancer

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH

Frank and Theresa McNamara

Their wide-eyed gaze, unruly hair and brave smiles speak volumes about their troubled lives. Frank and Theresa (their real names) have faced the most horrendous pressures recently. Sadly, the former Late Late Show pianist and his wife, an ex-RTÉ presenter, are guilty of nothing more... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE DAILY BORISGRAPH – HARD BORDER ALTERNATIVES!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s new PM tells it like it isn’t Bozza here! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making of this whole Prime Minister thingy. Well, it wouldn’t actually be ultra-hard after Mrs Mayhem’s totally shambolic efforts. Anyway, you know, I’m not one for... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RYANAIR ‘SAVING THE PLANET’

Ryanair seats

By Environment Correspondent – E. Missions ENVIRONMENTAL groups around Europe have praised Ryanair for its “tremendous contribution to the environment” in the wake of the company’s industrial difficulties. “Everyone knows that air travel is a significant contributor to air pollution and Ryanair has long led... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RYANAIR – THE NO FARES AIRLINE

Ryanair logo

CALLING ALL HOLIDAY-MAKERS! Still planning on taking a late summer break this month? Why not take your holiday right here at home where you can enjoy a week in the hot spot that everybody’s talking about? Staycations have never been more popular, so why not... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

BORIS-LEO SUMMIT MENU

boris leo

Non-Starters Cripes Suzettes True-Blue Cheese Steamed-up Fruits of Office ***** Fishy Course Burnt Fingers du jour with old beans ***** Mains Cold Cuts of Duck a l’Orange issue Peas in our time (unavailable) Cooked Goose with Union Jack(et) Potatoes (Served on a bed of own... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

ROSE OF TRA-LEO FAVOURITES

Rose of Tralee launch

by Our Summer Filler Staff Phillipa Page FESTIVAL fever is at an all-time high right now as Kerry welcomes thousands of visitors to see who will become the 2019 Rose in this year’s 60th anniversary competition. As always, presenter Leo Varadkar will be on hand... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FARAGE POUR HOMMES

farage fragrance

Advertisement From the makers of Paco Des Menaces, Farrago de Tales and Eau Non C’est Boris! comes an exhilarating new fragrance that will simply overpower you. A unique masculine fragrance that lets you project that traditionally British gentleman style. Guaranteed to get you ranting about... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MARY MITCHELL O’CONNOR’S COLLEGE ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Mary Mitchell O'Connor

1 Use your generous grant allowance to secure a suitable apartment of your choice. 2 This should ensure a decent-sized room in Trinners. 3 Or a standard €11,590 place in Roebuck Castle. 4 If there are any difficulties with your Susi application, simply contact the... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber