FEARS GROW OVER SCARY ‘FINE GAEL CHALLENGE’
There is growing alarm over a disturbing new online phenomenon known as “the Fine Gael challenge”. Voters have been advised to exercise caution if they encounter any of the brief clips, which usually feature the likes of Leo Varadkar, Josepha ‘MoMo’ Madigan and Simon Coveney spouting guff and urging the viewer to vote for their party.
“I’ve never seen anything as horrific as the National Children’s Hospital overspend,” said a leading psychologist last night. “The housing crisis is a total horror show as well and Ireland’s crumbling transport infrastructure is a shocking sight. Anyone who encounters this upsetting material should give it a wide berth.”
Meanwhile, people have also been advised to look out for another disturbing figure – known as “SiMoMo Harris” – who has been making an increasing number of TV and radio appearances, where he is usually engaged in a ghastly PR offensive.
THAT HISTORIC TRUMP-KIM SUMMIT
by Our Diplomatic Staff Hans Shake
FOLLOWING the latest summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, the North Korean leader declared the meeting a success.
Before returning by train to Pyongyang, Mr Jong Un told reporters: “The American dotard is a power-mad despot. We speak the same language, so everything went exactly to plan during our three-minute photo shoot. The only slight problem was when he mistook me for a short-order commis chef and insisted I get back to the kitchen.”
The US president said he had thoroughly enjoyed visiting Hanoi and played golf all the time. Speaking through an interpreter, Trump expressed his satisfaction about the progress between the States and Northside Korea.
“I have a lot of experience signing awesome agreements with troublesome foreigners – but these were usually pre-nups,” said Trump. “As for Kimmy, who wouldn’t be impressed by such a narcissistic megalomaniac? I mean, this bozo’s a really horrible dictator with ridiculous hair – what’s not to like?”
TRUMP LAWYER’S SHOCK REVELATIONS
Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has stunned Congress by revealing that the president is “not to be fully trusted”. Among the other sensational disclosures, Mr Cohen also alleged that:
- The president wasn’t a very nice person
- He didn’t always think before he spoke
- Trump sometimes bullied those around him
- He wasn’t completely faithful to his wife
- He made inappropriate advances to Kim Jong Un in Hanoi
- He surrounded himself with proven lawyers
• I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Documentary about a group of trainee priests hitting the nightclubs around Rome. TV3 9pm
• FIGHT CLUB – Behind the scenes look at life in the Social Democrats. RTÉ One 10.30pm
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3705
|KIM JONG UN
|Took over from his father
||Took money from his father
|Has nuclear arsenal
||Talks out of his arse
|Close to China
||Close to Russia
|Avoided flying to Vietnam
||Avoided Vietnam War
|People are malnourished
||People accuse him of malfeasance
|Travels by train
||Presidency going off the rails
N.I. FISHING BOATS SEIZED
NEW SOCIAL DEMOCRATS SHOCK
The world of Irish politics was rocked last night after no one resigned from the national executive of the Social Democrats. The shock development follows on from the controversy surrounding council election candidate Ellie Kisyombe’s backstory.
“I have been backed into a corner and left with no option but to remain on the national executive,” said a party member in a statement last night. “I accept this is a major departure from how we usually do business. However, I look forward to working with my colleagues until they all hand in their resignations. I myself will be remaining in situ, at least until I get a chance to check out the Sunday Times next weekend.”
Meanwhile, Róisín Shortfall – one of half-a-dozen co-leaders of the party – has said she “looks forward to leading our party into the local elections and eventually going the way of Renua and the PDs”.
Calls were growing last night for the occupants of a very large house in Dublin to be “incentivised” to downsize and make the premises available for urgently needed social housing.
The building, known as Leinster House, is widely considered “a waste of space” by all who have seen it. Said one neighbour, “I believe a bunch of old codgers mostly use just one large room where they play games and sleep, but even that’s nearly empty most of the time. It would be great to see some lively, bright, ambitious people moving in there.”
THOSE MOST POPULAR NAMES FOR 2019
REACTION TO CHELSEA KEEPER CONTROVERSY
It’s ludicrous even to consider removing a man who has been doing a really good job against all the odds! We need more people like brave Arrizabalaga in football, even if he had to stay there for ever and ever.
– John Delaney, CEO, Fossil Association of Ireland.
The back-up keeper is the real hero here. Wisely he remained calm in the background while the lesser men fumbled. That’s the sign of a real leader!
–Micheál Martin, manager Fianna Fáil Disunited
NAGS TO AVOID AT CHELTENHAM
This thoroughbred jumper has found the going very tough in 2019 having lost ground to his opponents. While still considered to have a kick, many experts are now accusing him of being a one-trick pony.
This bad-tempered nag is considered to have had a complete ’mare since 2014 when he was put out to grass. Following a recent stewards’ inquiry, he received the all clear, but his best days are probably behind him.
Her status has suffered following a series of embarrassing performances in the Brexit stakes. Racing officials are also concerned over who holds the title deed after the DUP falsely claimed to have owned her.
Dancing With The Stars
Early potential was brutally crushed when DWTS riders were accused of shamelessly flogging a dead horse and going through the motions. If substandard performances persist, euthanisation is the only option.
TAOISEACH APOLOGISES FOR CONSTRUCTION PROJECT
Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has offered an apology to the Dáil after a government construction project came in on time and under budget. The shocking development comes after costs for the National Children’s Hospital have sky rocketed to €23 trillion.
“Despite endless searching, we were unable to find a tender that would go wildly over budget,” a contrite Vlad told the chamber. “But we are hoping to proceed with a new hospital built out of solid gold within the next 12 months. We have a located a prime green-field site on Skellig Michael and are confident that the cost to the Exchequer will run into hundreds of trillions.”
In response, Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin offered a stinging criticism of the project, which he said he still fully supports.
ADVERTISEMENT: OPERATION – HSE EDITION
In this brilliant new edition of the legendary board game, you must try to carry out an operation whilst contending with endless controversies and distractions, including a nurses’ strike, children’s hospital overspend, protests outside Simon Harris’s house and general disintegration of the health service. It’s just like the real thing!
NEW OPERATION – TRANSFORMATION TEST
With the hit RTÉ show having determined Leo Varadkar’s metabolic age, its latest test measures the expected level of bolloxology from leading personalities versus their actual output.
PASCHAL – Weight: 22 stone
Bolloxology levels dramatically greater than expected, especially in relation to explanations of cost over-runs at national children’s hospital. Chronic addiction to sugary PR.
MIRIAM – Weight: 27 stone
Exceptionally high bolloxology levels thanks to ubiquitous media presence. Coverage of legal action against Facebook over face-cream ads filled newspapers to bursting point.
JOHN – Weight: 25 stone
Record-breaking bolloxology levels thanks to sundry factors, including gargantuan salary, massive failures (League of Ireland, Aviva stadium debt, World Cup qualification campaign etc) and fat chance of Euro qualification. Has a 95% chance of giving Irish supporters a pain in the rear end within next 12 months.
GREAT IRISH SAINTS – MOTHER SUPERIOR MADIGAN
AND IN that land there dwelt an ambitious woman of culture and occasional piety named Josepha who was known for her angelic voice and radiant presence. At an early age, she had a dazzling vision of the future and chose to join a self-righteous religious order led by the Blessed Vlad of Varadkar.
This saintly lady then entered the Pearly Gates of Leinster House, where she took a holy vow of celebrity. Converting to populist causes, she selflessly devoted all of her days to Godly work, smiting the unwashed multitudes, removing alms from the poor and seeking out the women’s vote at every opportunity.
And Josepha even entered a city-centre temple accompanied only by hordes of lowly media scribes. And when no priest was in sight, she sallied forth, mounted the pulpit and led the faithful in a solemn reading of the Good Book of Fine Gael.
And from that day forth, her shrill words rang out: “The time has come for powerful charismatic females like myself to utter the clarion call for women priests,” she shrieked. “For verily, this latest wheeze of mine is bound to divert attention from the party’s woes over all those countless cock-ups in the HSE.”
And lo, Josepha finally found the mass following she always craved and her shameless self-promotion was bestowed with favour in the Blessed Media.
HSE: NEW WAITING LIST SHOCK
By Our Health Staff Anna Din
THE HSE was plunged into renewed crisis last night when new figures were released showing that some low-price tenders for additional construction projects on the controversial children’s hospital are delayed for “up to 28 weeks” before being processed.
Said one irate building contractor, “I was sure that my highly competitive figure of €99.99 would be successful as usual, so you can imagine how I felt when I was left waiting for months before the Minister’s senior officials accepted my low-balling bid to construct a state-of-the-art multi-storey car park (consultants only). It’s just a total disgrace.”
Responding to this latest complaint, the HSE acknowledged that, while the delay was regrettable, they were confident that normal service would be resumed very soon.
“The public has to understand that, with so many bargain bids in the pipeline, it’s inevitable that there will be a huge backlog,” said a spokesperson.
“However, we are working around the clock to reduce the current build-up of 78,000 tenders and we will be looking favourably on all of these over the next few weeks. ”
EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS – BREXIT
NO NEW DEVELOPMENTS WHATSOEVER
There was nothing new to report today as the search continued to find a solution to the Brexit impasse between the UK and the EU.
ON OTHER PAGES
- What will happen next? We don’t know – p2
- Is José Mourinho about to take charge of Brexit – p3
- Tasty post-Brexit recipes (without canned food) – p4
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3704
|WILLIAM OF ORANGE
|Life-size statue discovered
||Discovered to be completely lifeless
|Born in the Netherlands
|Lifted siege in Derry
||Lifted siege against Simon Harris
|Associated with province of Orange
||Associated with red faces
|Married to Queen Mary
||Married to confidence and supply
|Dumped after theft
||Could be dumped after local elections
|Fought battles in the North
||Refuses to fight battles in the North
CLEAR FOR TAKE-OFF
GUINNESS marketing executives have claimed that the launch of Guinness Clear (0% Alcohol, 100% Bullshit) means anything is now possible.
The new product is the latest brand from Diageo’s experimental Open Chequebook Brewery, where many products aimed exclusively at hipsters have been developed to varying degrees of success. Lagers such as Cool Mountain Cash-In and the IPA (Incredibly Profitable Ale) Wallet Stretcher have, however, failed to deliver the number of new easy-spending, bearded customers that had been anticipated.
“When we couldn’t come up with an obvious sure-fire money-spinning marketing concept, we toyed with the idea of developing a really delicious beer, but that didn’t last too long. In the end, it had been staring us in the face all along!”
It turns out that the best Guinness marketing minds combined to effect what they call “a paradigm shift”, resulting in the creation or “evolution” of Guinness Clear. With just one ingredient – it really is 100% bullshit – the “gamechanger” aims to convince drinkers that Guinness wants to keep them hydrated and in control. “If they swallow that,” explained the marketing master, “they’ll swallow the rest of our guff without question. The sky’s the limit.”
THAT RICE STATEMENT
Gawdon Bennet, wot a pile ov grief I’ve ’ad scratchin’ me loaf whether to tog out fer jolly ol’ Engerland or fer Éire!
I’d all the faaamly wadin’ in wiv advice like ya wouldn’ Adam an’ Eve! Then Oirish Mick come round wiv the normal Keano, an’ the gaffer Gareth Southgate’s only been on the dog ’n’ bone rabbitin’ large in me ear’ole as well!
Don’ get me wrong, I luv Éire, an’ I’ll be Brahms ’n’ Liszt on the ol’ Vera Lynn ’n’ tonics wiv the best ov ’em on Paddy’s Day! I’m gonna miss the craic, especially wiv the other Keano gorn now an’ everyone relaxed an’ sleepin’ well again.
But at the end ov’ the day, with the romance ov playing for Éire with Dave O’Leary in the grave, I’m gonna throw myself to the three lions, where I ’ear the grass is greener, innit!
FINTAN TOOL: WHY MY BREXIT THESIS IS ALWAYS SO INSIGHTFUL
AS I sit down at my agreeable writing desk to create my daily Irish Times column, I am wondering what on earth I can say about Brexit that I have not already said. But, in a sense, that simple conundrum goes right to the very core of the UK’s sadly misguided crisis in these uncertain times.
In all modesty, it strikes me that my momentary lack of ideas is a reflection of the sheer vacuity of the current political discourse across the so-called European Union. Thankfully, there is still at least one leading intellectual commentator who can speak with the authority of winning the prestigious Orwell Prize and who can – ipso facto – regurgitate discerning opinion pieces ad infinitum.
EU Council President Tusk is hopelessly mistaken regarding his inflammatory remarks about the special place in hell for Brexiteers who have no plan. As I explained only yesterday, it’s likely that Satan has installed several hundred RHI furnaces in anticipation of welcoming all of the participants involved in these tedious negotiations.
Mrs May’s post-modern “Tír na nÓg-plus” option for leaving the EU immediately reminded me of the subliminal coincidence that she and Mr Tusk should share a common interest in imaginary worlds. Is there any greater visceral reminder that, after Brextinction, we will need a whole new political ecosystem? My vision, of course, is of an island without cultural frontiers.
How else can we avoid the likes of renewed racial frenzy in the shameful wake of actor Liam Neeson’s recent outburst? Sadly, this egotistical Hollywood star has a limitless belief in his own importance and frankly I – Fintan Tool – feel sorry for him.
(Continues like this for 5,000 words.)
DID NEESON KILL MLK?
Exclusive to all newspapers
Demands are growing across the real world and in Britain and America for a major investigation into Irish actor Liam Neeson’s past. The calls follow suspicions that the deranged thespian may have shot civil rights leader Martin Luther King, poisoned Nelson Mandela and drowned Shirley Bassey before almost certainly strangling Black Beauty and eating the body. (Great start! – Ed).
Or if he didn’t actually do these things, he certainly would have, which amounts to the same thing in the minds of all right-thinking people.
We may never know the full horror of what this would-be racist, misogynistic cannibal did as he prowled the streets with his guns and crossbows looking for black victims to set alight. (Shocking stuff! – Ed.)
But we sure as hell can make a good guess at it from this week’s gut-wrenching evidence and graphic social media testimony.
It’s sickening to think that this monster, who we now know liked to act out violent fantasies on film (I actually threw up at Excalibur! – Ed.) and caused riots all across Brixton just because a black woman wouldn’t give up her seat to him on a bus… (That’s enough Neeson – Ed.)
THE PETER CASEY REPORT – EPISODE 666
“Listen to reason. I grew up in Derry in an ordinary family where we all had to pull our weight. My DNA is exactly the same as all this so-called Traveller DNA. We’re both Irish, so where does all this talk about ethnic status come from, eh? I’m completely in favour of equality – which means none of this special treatment for people who aren’t like me.
My grandfather was a kindly soul. His watchword was fair and immediate punishment for all – particularly shirkers. No wonder the country is currently crying out for a tough-talking leader who will speak out against our sick society.
Just take a random example of violence in a typical Dublin suburb. Imagine it. A brutal thug is acting aggressively in an unlicensed Hiace van, running amok and attacking elderly ladies in a leafy street in Dublin 4.
I’m not saying that the mugger is a Traveller. Don’t forget that I support the rights of every Irish citizen, so long as he aspires to our decent middle-class way of life. But let’s say for argument’s sake that this vicious criminal is someone who lives on an illegal halting site. The gardaí may or may not catch the offender and he may or may not end up in court. End of story.
I make no bones about it. I’m a Christian and proud of it. Of course, I could take issue with Jesus on several issues. He’s soft on sin and completely wrong about the meek inheriting the earth. As for turning the other cheek? Kiss my white Irish arse!”
NEW POLAR BEAR OUTRAGE
Fears are growing for the safety of dozens of tame bears wandering aimlessly in the wilderness.
The species, Fianna Fáilus, were once feared throughout their native land, but a dramatic change of climate in 2008 devastated their natural habitat.
This resulted in the mammals becoming utterly toothless and being struck in perpetual hibernation.
They are now regarded as easy prey among various hunters and, if things don’t change soon, they are faced with the possibility of extinction.
World Wildlife Federation president Hulk Hogan believes that more needs to be done to protect the endangered breed.
“It’s pretty obvious that, if things don’t change, Fianna Fáilus could be wiped out around May. I would hate to see them disappear but they have only themselves to blame.”
DERMOT BANNON’S INCREDIBLE HOMES
As part of his new RTÉ series, the legendary architect and self-promoter looks at the homes of leading personalities.
Clearly the home of someone with a high-pressure job – Simon’s stress levels are added to by the fact he’s completely useless at it. A notable feature is the massed rank of protestors outside.
Very stylish home in a beautifully picturesque spot in Ireland. Oh wait – turns out Declan has just relocated to England!
Absolutely indulgent design showcasing exceptional taste. No doubt paid for by all those dire Vodafone ads.
(That’s enough Bannon – Ed.)
SIX NATIONS LATEST
In a shock U-turn, doctors have warned ill patients to no longer rely on touching the hem of an Irish rugby international, or even on praying to Johnny Sexton.
Following the Grand Slam win and the All-Blacks defeat, many doctors referred patients to training grounds across the country with a prescription to touch anyone or anything associated with Irish rugby. Miracle cures were reported throughout the nation as faith proved restorative.
“Under no circumstances should anyone put their faith in these green placebos,” warned one concerned GP in Wicklow yesterday. “You’d be better off in bed.”
IRELAND DESCENDS INTO POLITICAL CHAOS
by Our Dublin Staff Anne R Key
AS IRELAND teeters on the brink of political crisis over Brexit, General Leo Vladuro of the Ruling Party has again threatened to send thousands of troops to the disputed Northern Irish border.
The move is seen as an attempt to oppose UK leader Prime Minister Mayuro’s plans to establish checkpoints along the 310-mile stretch from Lough Foyle to Carlingford Lough.
“The Irish people are facing the biggest challenge since the foundation of the state and there has never been a greater need for strong military intervention,” according to Vladuro.
“I was chosen as the country’s taoiseach-for-life and I fully intend to use all of my extraordinary and unlimited powers to fulfil that role,” he said.
The move to involve the army has also been viewed as a means to oppress internal dissent from factions within his own ranks – particularly from his main rivals, interim ministers Juan Harrisido and Simondo Covenez.
IN RECENT times, in common with all other publications, we may have led some readers to believe that we saw the Ireland rugby team as a sort of collective deity.
We understand that some headlines – such as ‘Schmidt’s Super Trojans’, ‘Ireland’s Sporting Titans’ and ‘Green Gods Set for Global Domination for Generations to Come’ – could have imparted that somewhat biased impression.
However, the humiliating capitulation to England offers an opportunity to present a clearer portrayal and we now call for this bunch of leaden-booted, knuckle-headed misfits to spare every man, woman and child in the country further embarrassment.
We would like to apologise for our mistake and promise not to repeat it until after we hammer Italy yet again.
SHOCK NEW BORDER PROPOSALS!
The UK’s foreign minister, Jeremy Hunt, has said that Britain will take a few days to formulate suggestions to put to the European Union, in an attempt to resolve the issue of Irish border arrangements after Brexit.
“The prime minister is confident that all 27 EU countries will be very favourably disposed to our latest raft of innovative ideas,” Mr Hunt told BBC Radio. “That is before they inevitably get tossed out.”
The full range of proposals include:
- 300-mile long beaded curtain (choice of cane or bamboo). Beads rattle to alert customs guards and soldiers.
- Attractive herbaceous border combining ornamental features and spilt-level shrubbery. Concealed cacti plants prevent unwanted migrants, smugglers etc.
- Extensive animal enclosure corridor, patrolled 24/7 by a highly trained, SAS-style pride of lions. (That’s enough new proposals – Ed.)
MAY’S PLAN B (IN FULL)
1. Prime minister uses Tipp-Ex to change ‘Plan A’ heading to ‘Plan B’
2. Take new plan to EU leaders in Brussels
3. Taxi waits while Theresa hangs around EU Commission building
4. PM listens to howls of laughter from inside Jean-Claude Juncker’s office
5. She contacts Downing Street to see if street riots have started yet
6. Mrs May asks EU for unworkable alternatives to N. Ireland backstop
7. Donald Tusk smiles and kisses Theresa goodbye on both cheeks
8. Mrs Mayhem buys some more Tipp-Ex and returns in triumph to London
Most Desperate For Attention: Vogue Williams for Three Photo-ops and a Baby
Best Supporting Farce: Roy Keane in Dumb and Dumber
Best Baldy Comedian: Danny Healy-Rae for Silence Of The Lamb Steaks
Best Drowning Not Waving: Eoghan Murphy for Homeless in Seattle
Best Tragic Performance: Fianna Fáil in Misery
Best Cartoon Character: Boris Johnson in Clueless
PARTY NAME SPLITS TÓIBÍN MOVEMENT
by Our Political Staff Martin Wail
FORMER SINN FÉIN TD Peadar Tóibín revealed the name of his new party ahead of a public meeting in Belfast yesterday. Ireland’s latest political grouping is to be called Aontú, meaning unity or agreement.
However, within minutes of Aontú’s first official get-together, there were chaotic scenes as about half of the new party’s membership launched a formal objection to the party’s name.
“Many of us feel strongly that we need an alternative name, such as ‘Renua Lite’, if we are going to have broad appeal to Irish voters,” said one of Tóibín’s colleagues. “We feel strongly that Peadar and his pals should step aside immediately and let the rest of us take the party forward under a brand new name that will appeal to voters throughout this island.”
In response, Tóibín insisted that his party will not be a one-issue movement based around the pro-life agenda. The Meath TD said his party will have a wide raft of additional policies, focusing solely on reversing the abortion legislation and similar social evils.
VALENTINE RELATIONSHIPS UNDER STRAIN
Roy Keane and Harry Arter
You may call it nag, nag, nag,
But my love gives no quarters
And that is why I lost the rag
When I saw you with Jon Walters
Danny Healy-Rae and Shane Ross
Your shiny head,
your way with words,
Were tender traits we shared,
But revealing pics of me asleep
Were proof you never cared!
Micheál Martin and Eamon Ó Cuiv
Your hissy fit and solo run
Became the last resort
When you took off to frolic in
Affairs up in the North!
HONOHAN’S LAST DEBT CASE
Ed Honohan squares up to a rogue banker
Honohan: Next filthy rich financial institution versus downtrodden, gambling borrower please!
Mr Creepiecrawlie for the bank: My client seeks to have €900,000 in borrowings prior to the 2001 Cheltenham festival returned forthwith Mr Master.
Mr Smiley Barrister for the farmer: Cheltenham was abandoned that year, so technically the loan never occurred and, therefore, my client seeks to have the case dismissed, your Masterness. My client only signed it because he thought it was a raffle ticket.
H: These are difficult issues to grapple with but, on the balance of matters, it is hard to avoid coming to the conclusion that this farmer has behaved in a manner likely to lead to significant losses. Who is to blame for such an outcome? Some might point the finger at the shameless bank.
Mr C: But, Judge, sorry Master …
H: I am inclined to invoke the wisdom of Solomon and split the share of the blame between both parties, but will also order that, on this occasion, €1m be paid in compensation to the feckless farmer.
Mr C: My minted clients will find that hard to swallow.
H: At least they won’t be spending a night freezing on the streets. If I had my way… Next bunch of b**stards!
THOSE NEW GAA RULES
The organisation can receive an unlimited number.
The Since Binned Anyone player lashing out at the GAA or marking someone’s card by blackening its name will be required to bin such insinuations.
The Sideline Kick
Players going forward to the media about fixture congestion, Dub
dominance, travel expenses, injury compensation, no toilet on the bus etc may find themselves sidelined by the top brass when the payback kicks in.
The Mark Up
What’s with all the questions, boss?! If this one is about the price hike, what exactly is your problem?! We provide… (That’s enough changing the rules for now – Ed.)
MEDICAL LEXICON UPDATE
HARRIS verb: to irritate incessantly, to whine sanctimoniously and be a nuisance by constantly courting media attention and public affirmation (e.g. “That awful upstart seems to do nothing but harris people.”)
COMPASSIONATE adjective: commonly used to describe young ambitious politicians who will say anything and stop at nothing to advance their ministerial careers (e.g. “Simon is ruthlessly
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3703
|CIA want to kill him
||Taxman can’t bill him
|Inflation is a problem
||Inflated ego is a problem
|Friendly with Evo Morales
||Friendly with amoral capitalists
|Retains support of the military
||Retains support of Dave Fanning