Category: Craic & Codology

RESTRICTIONS LATEST

MICHAEL D HIGGINS

The government has said it has no plans to impose restrictions on the amount of press releases being issued by President Michael D Higgins. Over the past few weeks, the president has released statements on Covid-19, John Prine, Tiger King, Daniel & Majella’s Road Trip... Read more »

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FACE-MASK DEBATE INTENSIFIES

Face Mask Debate

Concern is growing that Irish politicians are attempting to mask their deficiencies by presenting a different face in public. “Two-facedness is an epidemic in Irish politics,” said one WHO official in a stark warning. “Infection is rampant in the Dáil and TDs will attach to... Read more »

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NO FAI DISASTERS ‘FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS’

Football Association of Ireland_logo

FAI officials say it will “probably be June at least” before the organisation can begin providing “any kind of decent scandals or laughable behaviour”. Hopes were raised last week that the organisation had lifted its restrictions on blundering activity after senior-side manager Stephen Kenny attempted... Read more »

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STUDENTS ACCEPT POST-EXAM PISS-UPS DEFERMENT

Party night

Leaving Cert students across the country have welcomed education minister Joe McHugh’s decision to postpone this year’s post-exam piss-up and drugs fest until late summer. “In fairness, June would have left us at a serious disadvantage, what with the pubs probably still closed,” said a... Read more »

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BEST EVER LEAVING CERT RESULTS PREDICTED

exam

by Our Education Staff – Phil Boxes In an attempt to counteract accusations that the delayed 2020 Leaving Cert exams will be dumbed down, the Minister for Education today released a specimen paper to show that the standard was “as high as ever, if not... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT READY TO GIVE YOUTH ITS FLING!

Dail Eireann

LIFTING THE RESTRICTIONS – EXCLUSIVE Following pressure from cash-strapped publicans, the government has decided to allow pubs to only open to young people initially. This will allow teenagers, who walked away from their €80 per week part-time jobs for the €350 per week Covid-19 unemployment... Read more »

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DOCTOR LEO SCRUBS UP AGAIN

Leo scrubs up

With the HSE fighting to contain the Covid-19 outbreak, hundreds of former medical professionals have rejoined the struggling organisation. “We are grateful for any additional help. However, it’s safe to say that some returning staff are more welcome than others,” said one hospital porter, glancing... Read more »

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HOME-SCHOOLING BOOTCAMP WITH KATHRYN THOMAS

Kathryn Thomas

The coronavirus outbreak offers a great opportunity to help kids develop new skills in a caring family setting. By following these simple guidelines, your children will soon be enjoying a magical learning adventure. 1 -Discipline Learning won’t ever take place without proper control. Above all,... Read more »

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HOW LONG WILL IT LAST?

An Dail

by Our Political Staff Phil Page As Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil edge closer to agreement on a programme for government, every journalist in the country is now asking the same question: Will this filler piece about the new coalition run out of steam before it... Read more »

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TV REVIEW

Eamon Dunphy

Keys To My Life (RTÉ) The great and the glorious of Irish life take a trip down memory lane by humbly revisiting their former residences. Highlights include: Eamon Dunphy returning to Lillie’s Bordello, where he renews acquaintances with the liggers who welcomed him home at... Read more »

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Ó RÍORDÁIN DISGUSTED BY LABOUR LEADERSHIP RESULTS

Labour Flag

It’s a disgrace. Over the last few weeks one person has clearly proven themselves to be the future of the Labour Party – Leo Varadkar. While Kelly and I have been dithering over who should take over the party, Vlad has rolled out the most... Read more »

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TV PREVIEW

Retro TV

RTÉ has given us a sneak peak to some upcoming changes to its Home School Hub scheduling 11:10 McClean’s History Ireland ace James McClean examines the infamous Battle of Balaclava, which many historians believe was the pivotal turning point during the Crimean War in 1854.... Read more »

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“MORE EFFECTIVE” FACE SHIELDS TO BE ISSUED TO GARDAÍ

Garda Face Mask

In light of recent incidents that have seen people coughing and spitting at gardaí in the street, the government has decided to issue “improved” versions of face shields as an added deterrent to would-be spitters. The new face shields consist of a holographic visor capable... Read more »

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MORE CELEBS REVEAL WAYS TO STAY FIT DURING VIRUS CRISIS

Vogue Williams

If – like me – your cleaner, gardener and even your cook say they’re now unable to come to your house to fulfil their duties, you might feel stranded. Rather than embracing squalor, it turns out that rudimentary chores are actually a real, back-breaking slog!... Read more »

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SHANE ROSS DIARY EXTRACT

Shane Ross

Until now, my proudest moment has undoubtedly been the re-opening of my beloved Stepaside Garda Station – closely followed by the births of my two children. Now, in this time of crisis, I can proudly say I’ve risen to the occasion. I have repeatedly offered... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3807

StD 3807

Kenny Rogers Leo Varadkar Famous for The Gambler Famous for election gamble Sang Islands in the Stream Shutdown Ireland’s industry Popular country singer Unpopular down the country Talented tennis player Always causing a racket Distinctive shirts Planning hair-shirt budgets Friends with Dolly Parton Only works... Read more »

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RTÉ SHEDS REVIEW

RTÉ Sheds

RTÉ has unveiled over 100 individual ‘presenting sheds’, with the hope of preventing more broadcasters from contracting Covid-19. The plan is for each contracted RTÉ presenter to be housed in an individual hutch, fitted with cameras and microphones, for the duration of the pandemic. Food... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3806-01

Wilbur - Eurovision

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CARTOONS 3806-02

Bernie - Happy Birthday

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CARTOONS 3806-03

deAn - stock piling

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CARTOONS 3806-04

Dowling - Working from home

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CARTOONS 3806-05

Harry Burton - Lemmings

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CARTOONS 3806-06

Jonesy - You spoil that dog

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CARTOONS 3806-07

Keyes - Croke park

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CARTOONS 3806-08

Keyes - Tunnel of Isolation

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CARTOONS 3806-09

Lennon - Social distance

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CARTOONS 3806-10

Percival - 70 years

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CARTOONS 3806-11

Royston - Proposal

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CARTOONS 3806-12

Serg - Tone it down

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CARTOONS 3806-13

Theo - Arses and Elbows

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OZONE 3806

Ozone 3806

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CARTOONS 3806-14

Keyes - Olympics

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VARADKAR READDRESSES THE NATION

Shomera

Citizens of Ireland, Greetings again. You might notice the change in background of this broadcast. Well, I’m currently self-isolating in my Shomera. I have recently had it varnished and the fumes are still very, very strong, so I will be brief. Senior doctors advised me... Read more »

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PANDEMIC LEXICON

Virus

Covid-19: New respiratory virus; it is caused by a germ known as coronavirus. Cronyvirus: Sickening political practice where close associates are appointed to positions of authority, despite their obvious lack of qualifications. Self-isolation: State of near total seclusion, often experienced by RTÉ late-afternoon radio presenters. Shelf-isolation:... Read more »

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THE LEO-LECTRIC KETTLE

Leo Kettle

Why wait until it’s all over? Buy the Covid-19 memento that everyone will want NOW and ensure that you, your children and your children’s genetically adjusted test-tube children have the ultimate keepsake for the future when the crisis is fondly recalled! Our ‘Leo-lectric’ kettles do... Read more »

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