Category: Craic & Codology

KENNY UNVEILS NEW MASTERPLAN

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As Ireland looks ahead to its concluding Nations League games against Bulgaria and Wales, boss Stephen Kenny has revealed ambitious new plans to score a goal. “People will say this is a drastic departure for the team,” said Kenny. “But I’m determined to change the perception of Irish football and I’m convinced we can score... Read more »

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THE SEÁN O’BRIEN STORY

Sean O'Brien

Exclusive extracts from his explosive autobiography, ‘Tullow Tank’ Fuel 2008 Eddie O’Sullivan can sense that I’m still unsure about my best position. But he soon recognises my tackling ability and takes me aside quietly to put me at ease. “You’re a total flanker, Seánie. No question about it.” High praise indeed and something that helps... Read more »

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US ELECTION FALL-OUT

American Flag

Ignorant, right-wing megalomaniac continues to be ignorant right-wing megalomaniac There was widespread shock throughout America this week when an ignorant, right-wing megalomaniac who is obsessed with himself turned out to be an ignorant right-wing megalomaniac who is divorced from reality. On other pages Pope still claims to be head of the Catholic Church. Grizzly bears... Read more »

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MIXED REACTION TO SHANE ROSS’S NEW BOOK

Shane Ross

As expected, it’s all there – the distasteful political shenanigans, the undignified lust for power at all costs and the relentless self-obsession; I don’t know how Fine Gael tolerated him. – Eamon Dunphy I can’t believe he could find any complaint whatsoever with getting into bed with as lovely a bunch of chaps as ever... Read more »

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SHOULD FIANNA FÁIL’S FATE BE SEALED?

sealing wax

There were growing calls across Ireland last night for Fianna Fáil to have its fate sealed for the next 30 years. The calls to stow away the party and silence it for decades comes after thousands of people recalled its role in some of the State’s darkest days. “Where do you start?”, asked one mother... Read more »

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SANITISER CRISIS GROWS

sanitizer

The government has made a shock plea to the UN for a special shipment of sanitisers, wipes and detergents as sleaze and scandal threaten to overwhelm the Oireachtas. There are also growing concerns about the number of heavily sanitised press releases being issued hourly by Cabinet. “Deputies are understandably furious about having their ready-made supply... Read more »

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RETAIL HYPOCRISY EXPOSED

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Retailers have demanded immediate action be taken against unauthorised traders who are taking advantage of strict lockdown rules. The plea comes after it emerged that unscrupulous wheeler dealers in Leinster House were found to be hawking non-essential goods to the public. It’s believed an entire black market economy has built up around the industry of... Read more »

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KERRY ACCEPTS FUNGIE IS NOT COMING BACK

Fungie

Vacancy: good swimmer wanted Due to an unexpected development, Kerry County Council now has a vacancy in its Maritime Attraction Sector in the Dingle area. Previous experience is not a prerequisite, but the successful applicant will be a strong swimmer and will be expected to remain in the water at all times. Excellent social skills... Read more »

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DAMIEN ENGLISH CLARIFIES ESSENTIAL RETAIL LIST

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’I don’t know where the confusion is coming from – the essential retail list is a straightforward collection of non-essential items. If you pop into the shop to buy some bread, you can’t buy underpants, although you can if they’re on sale for €2.99. Common sense should be applied, so if you’re buying a widescreen... Read more »

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NO MARCHING ORDERS FOR LABOUR

Alan Kelly

Labour leader Alan Kelly has said he has no intention of following the example of his counterpart, Keir Starmer, and suspending his predecessor as party leader. While Kelly claimed Corbyn and Brendan Howlin shared certain characteristics, if not views, he admitted that he would not be following Starmer’s course of action. “Both Brendan and Jeremy... Read more »

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RELIGIOUS SERVICES TO CONTINUE

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin

There is to be no change in the Government’s worship of power and money, following a meeting between Taoiseach Micheál Martin and Catholic archbishops. Level 5 restrictions will also allow for Cabinet ministers to privately pray for a change in the opinion polls. However, the archbishops did acknowledge that “the public has collectively lost faith... Read more »

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IRELAND RETURNS TO LOCKDOWN, SAYS MARTIN

TAOISEACH-GOV-BUILDINGS

Muintir na hÉireann, your leader speaks. Following consultation with NPHET the government has decided to move the whole country to Level 5. We had hoped to reach a compromise of Level 4.5, perhaps even Level 4.66r, but this unfortunately proved impossible. This was not not a decision taken lightly. Performing a complete about-face, so soon... Read more »

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DINNY DESERVES – FUNDRAISING APPEAL

Denis O'Brien

He once appeared to have it all – successful companies, billions and billions of euro, and a large media empire. Clearly, Dinny was a lucky man. But sometimes your luck runs out. Shocking as it may sound, according to the latest Sunday Times rich-list, Dinny has plummeted from the near peak of the list, and... Read more »

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THAT BONO AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Bono

Exclusive extracts from the U2 frontman’s upcoming memoir, Me, Me, Me! May 1960 And lo, a special child is born and a bright star shines in the skies over the Finglas mean streets with no names. Instant Karma or what, man? So as soon as the whole cognitive thing kicks in, I decide to devote... Read more »

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WARNING!

Due to a combination of factors – the pandemic, economic collapse and endless government gaffes – clocks this year are going back to approximately 1982, or what’s known as “GUBU time”.

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GREEN CARS

Green car

Irish motorists have called on the government to try and phase out the Green Party over the next five years. The plea comes following recent budget initiatives which will increase the cost of buying and running petrol and diesel vehicles. But car owners believe the Greens are responsible for untold irreversible damage to their wallets... Read more »

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JOE BIDEN TRANSITION WARNING

Joe Biden

Democratic nominee Joe Biden has warned President Trump he will not tolerate a chaotic transition period in the wake of the November elections. “Should we win, we expect a smooth transition of power,” said the former Vice President. “You don’t need to look very far to see these types of handovers causing all sorts of... Read more »

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BUDGET 2021 AFTERMATH

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n “Plenty more clean superlatives to come”, promises Ryan n The government is “fully committed” to rolling out more “eco-friendly sound bytes and energy-saving catchphrases” across future budgets, Green Party leader Eamon Ryan has assured supporters. n The public gave a warm welcome to Budget 2021, which delivered an unprecedented amount of ecological and recyclable... Read more »

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FISH DISPUTE INTENSIFIES

Fish

Brexit negotiations have hit a fresh stumbling block, with European diplomats unable to decide if Ireland or the UK has the fishier government. “Boris Johnson loves to throw out red herrings, but Micheal Martin is just a cod,” said one insider. “Certainly, they’re both slippery customers and know how to wriggle their way out of... Read more »

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VERY POSITIVE REACTIONS AS FINDING JOY SERIES 2 DEBUTS

Amy Hubberman

“It was a breath of fresh air,” says one licence payer who went for a walk on his local cliffs while it was on. “We hadn’t sat down together as a family for years but we got out the deck of cards and had a great time with the television off. Thank you RTE for... Read more »

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NO END IN SIGHT FOR IRELAND’S GOALLESS ‘NEW NORMAL’

Soccer Ball

By Ann T. Dote Experts say they now believe it could “be years and years” before a treatment for the Republic of Ireland’s goal drought is developed. The national side is currently enduing a horrendous resurge in Kenny-19 – named after the average number of scoring opportunities missed per game. “It seems to have mutated... Read more »

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STEPHEN DONNELLY’S ‘SAFE HALLOWEEN’ GUIDE

Stephen Donnelly

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has introduced tougher safety standards to prevent accidents over the Halloween holiday period. Speaking to reporters last night, Mr Donnelly said: “I am extremely proud of my success throughout the pandemic in presenting clear guidelines about self-protection – but hey – it’s not all about looking after my ministerial career. “As... Read more »

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RYANAIR’S WINTER WITHDRAWAL

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Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary has denied allegations that his decision to mothball the Cork and Shannon bases was influenced by the departure of Fungie the dolphin from the region. The CEO said he completely understands the decision of Fungie to pull-out of Ireland. Outspoken O’Leary also praised the dolphin’s years of loyal service in helping to... Read more »

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IRELAND’S FAVOURITE FAIRY TALES – THE BIG BAD WOULFE

Seamus Woulfe

THERE WAS once a Big Bad Woulfe whose main interest in life was sitting on a bench and punishing wrong-doers. One day he joined some old pals in the scenic woods at Clifden, huddled around an enormous hotel table laden down with fine food and drink and money. But some people thought this was all... Read more »

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WHY I WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING: BUDGET 2021 EDITION

David McWilliams

by David McWilliams Talk about chickens coming home to roost! Everything I predicted about Ireland’s topsy-turvy economic trajectory has now actually happened. How different life would be if only Paschal Donohoe had paid proper attention to a star celebrity economist like me. But with Budget 2021 looming, it’s not too late to avail of some... Read more »

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AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL – VICTIM OF THE MONTH

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Save Séamus from the social media death squads Séamus’s worried face says it all. Since attending the Golfgate dinner in August, his every waking moment has been a living nightmare, culminating in him facing no consequences whatsoever. Just think, all that pain and suffering, topped off with Séamus being forced to retain his place on... Read more »

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NO NEW EXAMS COCK-UP

Norma Foley

by Our Educational Staff L.C. Fayle The Department of Education was forced to apologise last night after no new errors had been found over the previous 12 hours in relation to the calculated grading system for this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. “We simply cannot understand what went right here,” said education minister Norma Failure. “We... Read more »

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NEW TO HALLOWEEN STORES!

Micheal Zombie

Goldhawk’s Halloween Shop is delighted to unveil its exclusive range of spooky outfits for the 2020 festival Zombie Taoiseach The Zombie Taoiseach ensemble includes everything you need to emulate the leader of Fianna Fáil. Costume includes running sores, open wounds, lots of backbiting and freshly sharpened knives. Customers are advised to hurry though because once... Read more »

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MARTIN ‘ANGRY OVER IDENTITY THEFT’

Micheal Martin

Sources close to Taoiseach Micheál Martin say the Fianna Fáil leader is “deeply dismayed and angry” over former Fine Gael senator and junior minister Michael D’Arcy’s sudden defection to the Irish Association of Investment Managers. “Micheál might be saying he’s just a bit ‘uncomfortable’ with it, but deep inside he’s taking it very badly, like,”... Read more »

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Revolving Door

Transferring from public service to the private world of high finance can be a cumbersome process. That’s why the Irish government and the domestic financial sector have collaborated in developing a customised set of REVOLVING DOORS. Once installed, you can easily slide from one side to the other with no questions asked. Just check out... Read more »

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EAMON RYAN’S RECYCLED PUBLIC SERVICE SOLUTIONS

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By Our Environmental Staff Patty O’Heater Green Party Leader Eamon Ryan has unveiled a series of eco-friendly measures designed to solve the country’s public transport shortfall. At a press conference yesterday, Mr Ryan outlined his latest plans to transform travel and transport within a totally “green”, carbon-free framework. The new eco strategy means that motor... Read more »

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ALL PURPOSE EURO PLAYOFF TAKE

euro 2020

Ireland’s new football dawn/nightmare under Stephen Kenny has commenced, following the triumphant win/cataclysmic loss away to Slovakia. Kenny’s possession-based approach has been completely vindicated/discredited on the back of this historic victory/debacle, which ensures the manager and his team a playoff final/the status of footballing minnow. Fans will long cherish/curse the memory of this phenomenal achievement/embarrassment,... Read more »

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JOIN MICK O’LEARY’S MILE HIGH COURT CLUB

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Get away this Christmas for the holiday of a lifetime! Book now for amazing deals on European destinations* from Cork and Shannon** and make big savings***! * If there are any destinations available ** Unless we cease flying from these airports *** In the event of cancellations, refunds will be available by 2022

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MESSAGES OF SUPPORT TO TRUMP

American Flag

“Donald, please get well soon so that I can use Facebook to get you elected again.” Vladimir Putin “Get well Donald – sad to see US with no head, like my uncle.” Kim Jong Un “Nothing wrong with him at all, he should get up and stop whingeing.” Roy Keane

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MINISTERS TO DISCUSS ‘ASSISTED DRINKING’ BILL

Drinking

A private member’s Bill on ‘assisted drinking’, which would allow those looking to drink with dignity to continue their habit without undue interference by the state, is to be discussed by ministers. The bill proposes that drinking alcohol in public spaces be legalised in all local council areas, beginning with the Spanish Arch in Galway.... Read more »

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HERE’S THE (TALL) STORY

Mary McAleese

Exclusive extracts from Mary McAleese’sautobiography November 1997: The whole of Ireland celebrates my astounding triumph as the first northern nationalist in Áras an Uachtaráin. There is general consensus that this is a momentous event. People such as Ghandi, JFK and Mandela come to mind. Only the dreary Eoghan Harris causes trouble, by writing lots of... Read more »

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