Michael D to appear on Dragons’ Den
President Michael D has announced he will be making a surprise appearance on Dragons’ Den during the presidential election campaign.
The president is rumoured to have a sure-fire, seven-year business idea to put to dragons Gavin Pompuss and Peter Who-he.
He will say he has already trademarked the brand name Twee and has arranged temporary premises in the Phoenix Park Business Estate at Áras House. He estimates that brand Twee will generate an income of €1.75m over the seven years of his business plan.
He says he plans to retire after the seven-year stint, but the judges are unlikely to be convinced about this. However, all three judges have intimated that that they will compete with one another for a slice of the action.
Meanwhile, presidential hopeful (surely “hopeless”– Ed) Seán Gallagher is promising to provide everyone in the country with the opportunity to have their photo taken with him if he is elected president. A professional photographer will take the pics, so it will be a “Seánie” rather than a “selfie” he joked.
Gallagher has promised to deliver the photograph personally to every household.
“The specially framed photograph will be cherished forever by its owner, their partner of either sex, their extended families and their friends – including those who self-identify as LGBT, OAP or FF,” he promised.
INM Car Boot Sale
(On the instructions of Mr D O’Brien, Sleezma, Malta) 1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including:
- Millions of junk digital bonds (value: worthless)
- Millions more INM shares (value: ditto)
- One Leslie Buckley (seriously worn)
- Enormous pile of Indo articles (unread)
- One troubled radio station
- Warehouse stocked with writs, threatening letters etc
- Other assorted rubbish
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
While Dinny’s empire lasts!
TRUMP VISIT CALLED OFF
THERE was huge relief throughout the country last night at the news that US President Donald Trump has postponed his planned visit to Ireland in November.
On the streets of the capital, hundreds of Dubliners opposed to the visit hugged one another, saying: “We’re just very happy that we won’t have to go out in the winter weather to protest against a petty tyrant who seems fully intent on being taoiseach for at least another term.”
WHAT WE WON’T SEE:
- Smarmy Vlad waxing lyrical about our “deep, historic ties”
- Pious ministers explaining their respect for the office of president
- Fintan Tool’s “Why-oh-why is he here?” articles
- The usual angry callers talking to Joe Dubby
- Obsequious TDs claiming ancestral links with the Donald
- Chanting protestors with those silly baby balloons
(That’s enough non-Trump visit – Ed)
KAREN BRADLEY’S TOURIST GUIDE TO NORTHERN IRELAND
The Giant’s Causeway:
Situated in Scotland, the most scenic of all Northern Ireland’s counties, the Causeway is the province’s most popular golf course and was constructed over 60 billion year ago by the legendary landscaping firm of Fionn, Mac and Cool.
Belfast, in the heart of County Londonderry, was the last port of call for the doomed Lusitania just days before it was sunk by Russian jets off the coast of Leitrim during the Irish Civil War. The balaclava worn by Fianna Fáil Taoiseach Michael Collins as he tried to drink tea during the attack is one of many fine exhibits on display.
Séamus Heaney Homeplace:
The tiny two-storey cottage that Ireland’s most famous poet shared with his mum, Peig Sayers, is a veritable time capsule. Browse Heaney’s love letters to Irish terrorist Maud Gonnoffwithoutwarning, before taking in some traditional Irish pastimes like darts and road bowling.
The key objectives of the Irexit Freedom Party are as follows:
- Provide lots of lengthy press releases for Frank Fitzgibbon to salivate over
- Avoid becoming defunct political grouping like the Irish Parliamentary Party or Fianna Fáil
- Never ever mention that Hermann is a German name
- Emphasise how well the Brexit negotiations are going
- Give Fungi the dolphin powers to detain Spanish trawlers
- Pretend we’ve never heard of Declan Ganley
PROUD MUM VOGUE CELEBRATES ARRIVAL OF ‘HELLO!’ FEATURE
By Barry Ego
New parents Vogue Williams and Spencer Whatsisname are reported to be “absolutely ecstatic” following the arrival of a brand new picture spread in their lives.
Much to the happy pair’s delight, the sweet little feature was talking “Hello, money!” only days after being delivered by a photographer.
Said a close friend of the family, “Vogue is over the moon! After nine months of expecting at least six pages, she is delighted at last to be able to hold the latest issue in her arms and kiss it. I’ve never seen her so besotted. She simply can’t put it down!”
The couple, who also had a baby last week, are said to be “already planning” another happy event. “They’d like to have a nice new cheque to add to the family,” said the friend. “As long as it’s not a bouncing one of course!”
VOGUE WILLIAMS FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Baby Boom
Favourite song: Moneytalks, AC/DC
Favourite TV show: The Killing
Favourite band: Picture This
Favourite food: Nest eggs
Favourite animal: Cash cows
Favourite exercise: Lap of luxury
Favourite magazine: Eh, HELLO!
Favourite village: Prosperous
Favourite interest: Royalty
BORIS: BOTTOMS UP!
Britain’s ex-foreign secretary tells it like it isn’t
Multiple cripes! What absolute tosh about yours truly having blotted his marital copybook over recent months. Complete fuss about nothing – courtesy of all these gutter press reptiles filling up their pages with stories about a mystery blond bombshell, ie yours truly.
I mean, having a top-notch reputation as a full-blooded horizontal jogging machine has done wonders for the Trumpster. Indeed, dozens of prominent Tories have had the odd extra-marital liaison and it worked to their advantage. I’m told, for instance, that Jacob Rees-Mogg once had a torrid fling with Queen Victoria – and no harm came of that, I can assure you.
Let’s not forget Bojo’s tireless work highlighting EU tyranny and calling for a hard Brexit during my heady days in the Foreign Office. Thankfully, people throughout the entirety of Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, the North and everywhere else I’ve never visited have given me their full support.
Meanwhile, it was a sizzling hot summer for old Bozza, what with my lucrative Torygraph column and all that young totty frolicking around London in skimpy outfits. Phwoarr! Rest assured that I am on the job around the clock to ensure that the UK gets shot of Milady Theresa ASAP.
So let’s hope those media rotters stop ganging up on my good self and calling the Bozmeister a shameless opportunist. Me! Britain’s future PM!
NEW PROJECTS ADDED TO GALWAY 2020
Art classes: The fine art of drawing everyone’s anger and vexation; how to make a complete exhibition of yourself; painting a very disturbing picture for the future!
Food & recipes: Cheesing everyone off made easy; how to make the perfect ham fist out of pigs’ ears; how to have your cake and eat it.
Gardening culture: How to dig a deep hole for yourself; all things thorny; why does mud stick?
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE – 3619
||Causing a racket
|Inspired by Arthur Ashe
||Irritated by Harry Arter
|Coached from crowd
|Lost a major tournament final
||Lost out on a major tournament
|Supports Colin Kaepernick
||Support is running out
TRUMP TO MEET ‘PRESIDENT’ GALLAGHER
DONALD TRUMP has told reporters that he is looking forward to visiting Ireland in November and is “especially excited” about meeting “President” Seán Gallagher.
“I really like the cut of that guy’s gib,” explained the US president. “He reminds me of a slightly younger, bald me and he has faced the same challenges I have.”
The controversial US politician noted that Seán Gallagher had been targeted by “fake news, the failing RTÉ and the failing Pat Kenny”. He claimed that this was the type of treatment “dished out by elites when they feel threatened by self-made tycoons who roll up their sleeves before counting their money”.
President Trump claimed that Gallagher is the sort of man who will “make Ireland great again – just like it was during the wonderful Celtic Tiger. No wonder they call him a dragon!”
According to the American president, the next incumbent of Áras an Úachtarán needs to be someone wealthy who “understands the working man, who has lots of companies and who gets up early in the morning, just like that Leo guy. That’s who I want to meet on my tour of Doonbeg-Dubin.”
Admitting that it was not a foregone conclusion that Gallagher would win the election, President Trump said he would be equally happy to meet any of the other self-made millionaires out to buck the system. “I’m told by my people that Marvin Duffy is another financial dragon, so he would do fine. And this Casey Jones guy is also apparently money-mad, so what’s not to like?”
KELLY ATTACKS ‘USELESS’ HOWLIN
by Paul Corr
THE Labour Party descended even further into turmoil yesterday when Tipperary TD Alan Kelly lunched his weekly leadership challenge.
Speaking on his local radio station Tipp FM, Mr Kelly denounced Brendan Howlin as “the worst political leader this country has ever seen”.
He continued, “Brendan has served Labour selflessly for many years, expecting nothing in return apart from all the media attention that party leadership brings. Unfortunately, he has failed to turn the ship around and is completely useless, so the time has now come for him to step aside and make way to allow a younger person, namely myself, to take his place and preside over the meteoric demise of this once great movement.
“How anyone could ever have remained in Labour and accepted Howlin as its leader for so long is beyond comprehension. It’s now crystal clear that I am an absolute disgrace.”
LEO, A VERY MEDIA SAVVY TAOISEACH
Exclusive extracts from the most sensational political biography ever written
• For years, Leo Varadkar lived with a secret shame that even his closest friends knew nothing about. Eventually, he admitted the truth amid the full glare of Ireland’s media.
“I am a practising right-winger,” he confessed. “Back then, if a government minister fancied cutting taxes or spying on dole recipients, it was considered criminal. But nowadays, thanks to our agreement with Fianna Fáil, it’s perfectly acceptable.”
• Even Leo’s political opponents have always had the utmost respect for the country’s youngest-ever taoiseach. The current health minister typifies the high regard in which Mr Varadkar is held.
“Despite being aloof and treacherous, Leo is doing a superb job and is living proof that young people – particularly those in their early 30s – are capable of leading Ireland out of its present housing crisis,” says Simon Harris. “Although I initially gave my loyal support to Coveney, I only did this for tactical reasons, to ensure that Vlad would win in the end… the bastard!”
(That’s enough extracts – Ed.)
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3618
|Outstanding central defending role
||Outstanding MI5 role
|Shooting skills in little doubt
||Shooting skills in some doubt
|Always runs for 90 minutes
||Always runs for cover
|Serious questions about his future
||Serious questions about his past
Minister denies he’ll do anything for publicity
FOR the first time in its history, Coca-Cola has entered the hot drinks market after acquiring the Costa Coffee chain for v3.9bn. “This exciting rebrand will revolutionise Coke’s famous range of delicious health drinks,” said CEO Sam Sweetman last night. “Fizzy Coke cappuccinos are already taking the market by storm and have never been proven to rot people’s teeth, no matter what anyone says.”
NEW COFFEE DRINKS
• Ready-to-drink bottle coffee (Coca-Cola)
• Ice-cold Costa cans (50% less coffee)
• Diet Costa Coffee (99% less coffee)
• Zero Coffee (completely empty cup)
NATURE WATCH – STORMONT SYNDROME SPOTTED
By Enda Time
Optometrists and other medical experts across the globe have hailed Northern Ireland’s deadlocked executive as “a miracle of the natural world.” The accolade comes after the administration passed its 550th day of suspension.
American eye expert Kat Aract noted that “to survive that long a period without blinking is without precedent anywhere in the animal world. It is unclear the exact mechanism adopted by the northern hemisphere organism, but we understand that the ability may be closely linked to focusing solely on the past.”
Australian expert Professor Stan Still was equally impressed, pointing to the Assembly’s renowned inertia. “Avoiding blinking for so long is impressive, but to do so without budging an inch is truly remarkable. This feat should be impossible to pull off, but nature is full of surprises (unlike the DUP).”
DECLAN RICE’S FAVOURITES
Favourite film: The English Patient
Favourite song: Blurred Lines (Robin Thicke)
Favourite TV show: Tru Calling
Favourite band: Queen
Favourite exercise: Jumping ship
Favourite hobby: Dawdling
Favourite food: Cold shoulder
Favourite animal: Vamoose
Favourite move: Merry Dance
Denis Naughten apologises
DRONE BAN FOR LEINSTER HOUSE
By our political correspondent M T Chambers
Following the success of the drone ban and the no-fly zone during the papal visit, the Government has announced plans to extend these bans to Leinster House.
“The ban on drones and the introduction of the no-fly zone were highly successful,” said a spokesperson, “to such an extent that we are planning to introduce the bans to Leinster House”.
It is far from clear exactly what the bans will mean but, if introduced, ministers and TDs would not be allowed to drone on and on about topics that are of little interest to observers.
According to one informed source, the changes will reduce the impact of “certain long-range low-flyers such as Eamon Ó Cuiv. He is far from the only drone, however.”
It is known that the huge volume of hot air generated in Leinster House increases the risk of deputies and senators overestimating their range and eventually simply drifting way off course, with potentially devastating consequences – the so-called ‘crash and bore’ effect.
No time limit has been set for the changes and, even when implemented, there is expected to be minimal impact on the number of ministers and TDs flying out the door as soon as they had signed-in for their daily allowance.
NO-DEAL BREXIT BARGAIN BONANZA
CLOSING DOWN SALE!
All items previously the property of the Great British taxpayer now on offer due to persistent EU intransigence.
1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including:
• Channel Tunnel – yours for only €50!
• UK factories (set of 10) – just €5 each!
• Buckingham Palace – an absolute giveaway at €14.99!
• London Stock Exchange – €9.99!
• The North of England – make us an offer!
YES! EVERYTHING MUST GO – STARTING WITH THERESA MAY!
MOVING WITH THE TIMES
By Tick Tock
THE IRISH Government has announced that it is to gift the ‘Speaking Clock’ to the people of Northern Ireland.
“There will be two versions”, according to Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney, “to be called The Orange Clock and An Clog Glas”. Depending on the date and time, callers to The Orange Clock will hear a message along the following lines…
“At the signal it will be 598 days 10 hours, 35 minutes and 56 seconds since the devolved government assembly in Stormont was collapsed by Sinn Féin.
Now is the time for the Shinners to drop all that nonsense about giving official status to the Irish language, rights for same-sex couples to marry and legacy issues. And don’t start on that bloody ‘gay cake’ nonsense.”
Callers to An Clog Glas will hear a slightly different message (surely “significantly different message”? – Ed) along the following lines …
“Dia daoibh. At the signal it will be 598 days 10 hours, 35 minutes and 56 seconds since our departed leader Martin McGuinness resigned as Deputy First Minister in protest of the handling by the DUP of the botched Renewable Heat Incentive (RHI) scheme.
Right now is the time for the DUP to admit the role played by Arlene Foster in this debacle.”
(beep), (agus beep eile)
NEW TV SHOW WILL BE ‘TOTALLY DIFFERENT’ – KENNY
TV PRESENTER Pat Kenny has said that he is “absolutely delighted” with the latest change to his role at Virgin Media Television, formerly TV3.
“Unlike all my earlier weekly shows, which dealt exclusively with current affairs, this exciting new programme will focus once a week on all the latest political issues and current affairs,” said the veteran broadcaster yesterday.
Kenny welcomed this new start, insisting that he was particularly looking forward to the challenge of debating all the big stories of the day, saying, “The previous studio format of me simply interviewing dull politicians will be replaced with an innovative current affairs debate where I go head to head with leading figures from the world of Irish politics and ask them the questions that people are really interested in.”
“Yes, it’s all about change,” explained director of news Bill Baloney. “The days of Kenny being grossly overpaid for his boring old current affairs programme are over. Now he will be overpaid for this new run-of-the-mill show.”
SHOPPING BREAKS OUT AT LIDL STORE
by Our Retail Staff Phil Trolley
DUBLIN LOOTERS reacted angrily last night after dramatic social media footage allegedly showed crowds of shoppers inside a recently refurbished Lidl supermarket in the southwest of the city.
“It’s a disgraceful situation when free-for-all shopping is openly on display,” said one local hooligan. “Hordes of people are just wandering around the place carrying plastic bags filled with items they have purchased while young children are present.”
Said another yob: “We came here expecting stormy weather conditions where we could easily hijack a JCB and rob the ATM safe. The last thing we ever imagined is the completely sickening sight of customers at the check-out paying for some last-minute, back-to-school bargains.”
However, uniformed gardaí who arrived quickly at the scene assured the public that such brazen commercial conduct would not be tolerated.
IRELAND OF THE WELCOMES
SMURFIT KAPPA VENEZUELA
• The Good Fight, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm One woman’s battle with the system as she sets out to become the only face on RTÉ television and the only voice of RTÉ radio. Harrowing stuff featuring Miriam O’Callaghan and, er, no one else.
• Killing Leo, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm An ambitious young politician makes his way up the ladder using every means necessary, stepping on bodies along the way and displaying a chilling ruthlessness. One target remains – and he has the top job in the land. Starring Simon Harris.
• Ireland’s Rich Bastards List, RTÉ Two, Thursday, 9.30pm Joe O’Shea reveals just how inadequate your life is by counting down the top 30 plutocrats in Ireland. Various pundits attempt to explain how the bastards got so rich but since they are mere PAYE paupers, they haven’t got a clue.
O’CONNOR’S SHOW BRINGS VIEWERS TO TEARS
By our arts and entertainment correspondent – Donal Lynch-Mobbe
The several people who admitted to watching his new tv show — Brendan O’Connor’s Time Up — have said that after watching it, they just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
Commenting on viewer feedback O’Connor said: “Well, the guests are totally in awe of me. They’re not perfect (like me) but they did have a kind of authenticity.
“Okay, so several viewers had a pop at me, saying it was the most boring show they had ever watched. Get over it. I will.
I’m having a new brooding-look pic taken this afternoon. And it doesn’t matter what they think because RTÉ will give me another show regardless!”
RTÉ LAUNCHES ITS NEW SEASON
NEW SAINTS ANNOUNCED
The Vatican has announced that the following people will be canonised by Pope Francis during his visit to Ireland:
The saintly Norah will be recognised for her tireless work on behalf of the coping classes and her miraculous ability to generate buckets of publicity out of thin air.
The former president will replace St Jude as the patron saint of hopeless causes, missing invitations, cancelled speaking engagements and women’s symposiums etc.
Michael D Higgins
Catholic officials confirmed Michael D to be a blessed person after he managed to escape crucifixion shortly after he racked up a large bill at a posh hotel in Switzerland.
The author of The Book of Homeless Numbers is venerated by beard enthusiasts throughout all of Christendom.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Deals in miracles
|Delivers homily in Phoenix Park
||Moves homeless out of Phoenix Park
|Lots of people anointed
||Lots of people annoyed
|Prays to the Lord
||Prays to landlords
Fellow Irish devotees, saintly greetings to my countless religious fans. Yes, it’s Francis here – literally – for more sold-out stadium gigs with his legendary “jolliness”. As always, I come in complete humility as the infallible leader of the world’s 1.3 billion faithful.
So who’s your spiritual daddy, eh? Pontiff festive fever is everywhere. Commemorative pope-on-a-rope soap, solar-powered fridge magnets, an Irish-style break-dancing Frankie sock puppet, plastic mugs that glow in the dark – and everything in the best possible taste.
No wonder so many of Ireland’s political leaders – and also Micheál Martin – flock to get a glimpse of my famous beatific smile and ultra-gleaming white vestments. How they love to have selfies with yours truly. Of course, a special audience with the DUP peeps would not be sneezed at. Arlene Foster may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but we both agree on all the basics – bans on abortion, strong liquor, the gayness, etc.
So why-oh-why does Vlad Varadkar persist with this same-sex rainbow marriage nonsense? After all, was it Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden? No way, my mistaken friend!
Next stop has to be breaking America – even if it means teaming up with wacky Donald and his crazy ideas abut the nuclear family. We have so much in common – and I can’t wait to check out why he wears that ridiculous thing on his head.
THAT PAPAL DRIVE-BY
1 Stretch Skoda – Pope Francis, President-for-Life Michael Twee, entire Cabinet
2 Prison Van – Mary McAleese, Ms Panti Bliss, “Say Nope To The Pope” protesters, etc
3 Mobile Mortuary – Mr B Howlin and small band of Labour TDs
4 Pop-Up PR Media Bandwagon – Conor Pope, Maeve Sheen, assorted born-again religious hacks, etc.
5 Gatecrasher HGV – The Blessed Norah Casey, St Bono, Wee Daniel and Missus, etc
6 Stolen Bicycle – Michael Healy-Rae
7 Open Stretch Coffin – Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another
Winding 25-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession
The Pope’s car revealed
MADIGAN BLAMES SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EVERYTHING
By Dee Lete
MINISTER for Culture Josepha Madigan has again called for the immediate regulation of social media, amidst growing alarm over people criticising or slagging off politicians (Surely denigrating free speech? – Ed)
Minister Mad Again says her warning has “nothing to do” with the fact that social media users constantly bring up her steamy potboiler, Negligent Behaviour, whenever her name is mentioned online.
The minister and erotic novelist (You mean ‘great literary mind’ surely? – Ed) warned against “taking it lying down and without resistance being mounted”.
“We have to stand up for ourselves and say ‘no’ to these social media giants like Facebook and Twitter instead of ‘yes, yes! Oh god yes!’”
THOSE CAO STATISTICS IN FULL
83% – increase in sales of Buckfast and Pot Noodle during month of September
2000% – rise in applications for fake IDs
92% – surge in angry listeners contacting Joe Duffy about drunk young people
68% – drop in students taking phone calls from their parents during academic year
55% – decrease in those eating healthily once they leave home
34% – decline in undergrads getting up before noon
Favourite film: The Invention of Lying
Favourite song: Poison, Alice Cooper
Favourite TV show: The Big C
Favourite band: The Killers
Favourite food: Whopper
Favourite river: The Nile
Favourite game: Double-dealing
Favourite colour: Whitewash
Favourite exercise: Spin
Favourite snack: Just deserts
That new Garda HQ
LOWRY’S LATEST IS HARD TO SWALLOW
Fresh from the news that Gerry Adams is to publish a cook book, Michael Lowry has announced that he has just signed a two-book deal with Revenue Publishing.
His first book, How my books were cooked, has already been published and will shortly be followed by a second – How My Goose is Cooked – in which he will reveal his secret recipe for staying in public life for so long.
The launch will take place in Hartigans pub after the All-Ireland football final.
All profits will be donated to an as yet unspecified relief-of-debt fund. A third book, The Book Of Evidence, is also being considered, according to sources.
POPE REBUFFS IRELAND’S MOST POPULAR WOMAN
By social affairs correspondent Goldie Fawn
A spokesperson for the Pontiff has refuted suggestions that Pope Francis will meet Nora Casey, Ireland’s most photographed woman.
Casey who has regularly— if not exactly relevantly — appeared on our TV screens and whose picture has appeared more often than any other woman in (her own) magazines has been outspoken in her call for change management in the church.
Casey is arguing that women should not just aim to be priests but bishops. As Bishop Casey, Nora says she would change most aspects of how the church is run.
Masses would take place in hallowed halls like The Ivy, St. Roly’s, and St. Shanahan’s. Boring old bread and wine would be replaced by artisan “tear’n’share” breads and top-end French wines.
New dioceses would be created with desirable titles such as Rathmines & Rathgar, Klliney & Dalkey.
The ubiquitous Casey would also provide women with vocation-style training and mentoring. And lots of media coverage of course.
ANGER AS RYANAIR FLIGHT TAKES OFF
By Dee Pressed
THOUSANDS of angry Ryanair passengers expressed fury at the airline’s desks around the world yesterday, after their flights were not cancelled. The passengers took off on schedule and arrived exactly on time at airport within a day of where they wanted to go.
Said one fuming passenger in Switzerland, “It was appalling! We got the full Ryanair service, just as we feared.
“I’d heard horror stories in recent days but never thought it could be that bad. I spent the whole trip with my knees pressed against my ears.
“My sister had her flight cancelled, switched to another airline and arrived smiling. How dare they fly as normal! I feel sick!”
THOSE PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS IN FULL
As the Irish presidential race gathers more hopefuls, seven more totally serious candidates have entered the picture:
1. June Rodgers – Panto Queen
2. Twink – Panto Queen
3. Gavin Lambe-Murphy – Remember him?
4. “Mattress Mick” Flynn – Sleep-solution magnate
5. Dr Eva Orsmond – OK, she’s from Finland but why not?
6. Richie Kavanagh – Poet and Gaeilgeoir
7. Bertie Ahern – Former Taoiseach and expert gambler