Category: Craic & Codology

‘WOEFUL RESULTS A HUMAN RIGHTS PROTEST’

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by our Sports Staff Owen Goal Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has stepped into the controversy over the latest human rights violations in Qatar: “What the fans don’t realise is that we’re playing the long game in the run-up to the 2022 World Cup – because it’s no accident the lads have gone 11 matches without... Read more »

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NEW VACCINE SCANDAL

Vaccines

A major controversy has erupted after it emerged that a vaccine was recently administered to a member of the public with no known connections. This procedure flies in the face of recently established protocol, under which hospitals and consultants prioritise family members and staff at their kids’ posh private schools. “I apologise unreservedly for this... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT URGED TO FOLLOW NEW MODEL FOR VACCINE ROLL-OUT

Vaccine

The government has come under increasing pressure to prioritise vaccinating gardaí, nurses, and teachers first in an effort to suppress the virus: the so-called Copper Face Jacks model. The proprietors of Dublin’s most GAA jersey-friendly nightclub have called on the government to fully commit to the Copper Face Jacks model to allow the club to... Read more »

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WORLD CUP HOPES DASHED

FIFA 2022

Following the bitterly disappointing start to Ireland’s World Cup qualifying campaign, Goldhawk spoke to some prominent personalities about the dire situation. Michael Cullen You have to admire the way Ireland are politely allowing everyone else in the group to skip ahead of them rather than making them wait their turn. I think we can all... Read more »

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MEDIA-SHY CHU SLAMS MEDIA COVERAGE

Ever Green

Publicity hermit and Dublin lord mayor Hazel Chu has issued an unprecedented attack on the fourth estate. Speaking from the golden parlour in the Mansion House – Chu complained “I’ve only been on two front pages in the past week.” Meanwhile, Chu welcomed the news that a ship carrying 300,000 tonnes of her press clippings... Read more »

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DISAPPOINTMENT AS FOOD DELIVERY FIRM FAILS TO SATISFY APP-ETITES!

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Deliveroo bosses were left tomato-faced after it failed to deliver the goods from a London market yesterday, causing anger and frustration at many dinner tables. “I was looking forward to a tasty return but they never brought home the bacon!”, fumed one crestfallen investor, forced to eat humble pie. “I was told turning a profit... Read more »

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‘MASSIVE RELIEF’ AS TAOISEACH PROMISES END IN SIGHT

Michael Martin

A huge wave of relief swept across Ireland last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin assured the populace that it was now “on the final leg of a horrendous journey”. Although there is some way to go yet, many believe the worst of the plague is over as things could surely not get any worse.... Read more »

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SIMON HARRIS LAUNCHES TIKTOK ACCOUNT

tik-tok

Hey guys – wazzzzup?! Thought I’d try out this groovy new platform all the kids are on. I definitely think it’s the coolest thing since MySpace and Bebo. The first thing I want to talk about is a new phenomenon I’ve noticed lately – all these lame politicians pathetically trying to distract from their government’s... Read more »

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TAOISEACH SUPPORTS DYING WITH DIGNITY BILL

Micheal Martin

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves TAOISEACH Micheál Martin last night intervened in the controversial Dying with Dignity Bill, which is currently making its way through the Oireachtas. Speaking to reporters at Leinster House, Mr Martin appealed for greater understanding about what he said was a “very sad” issue. “This is a highly sensitive matter... Read more »

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APOLOGY – THE IRISH RUGBY TEAM

Andy Farrell

We may in recent times have given the impression that the Irish rugby team were a bunch of washed-up no-hopers, whose dismal Six Nations losses to Wales and France were an embarrassment to the country. Headlines such as “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A LOAD OF RUBBISH?”, “FARRELL’S FAILURES SHAME US AGAIN” and “WE’RE ABSOLUTELY... Read more »

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COVID-19 COMMEMORATION

Stephen Kenny

To commemorate the passing of the first anniversary of the Covid-19 restrictions, Goldhawk spoke to some celebrities about the past 12 months: Stephen Kenny The last year has been a case of one step forward and 10 steps back, or what yours truly might call a ‘transitional phase’. Personally, I’m dreading the crowds trickling back... Read more »

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SUSPECTED SHEBEEN UNCOVERED

Leinster House

Gardai have uncovered a suspected shebeen at a premises in Kildare Street. Officers reported seeing “shocking scenes of antisocial behaviour”, including violent fleecing of the taxpayer. Some on the premises were “drunk on power”, while others were “intoxicated by the prospect of ministerial office”. “This shows a wanton disregard for basic decency,” said a garda... Read more »

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SCHOOL CLOSURE PLANS ON TRACK

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By Carl O’Whine, Education Corr Planning is under way for the inevitable closure of schools following their complete reopening on April 12, according to education minister Norma Foley. About 250,000 students are due back after the Easter break, after which they will most likely return home to ignore Zoom classes and binge TikTok videos instead.... Read more »

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THOSE VIRTUAL OSCAR NOMINATIONS

Oscars

Will Ireland sweep the floors again this year? Make-up Artist – Vlad Varadkar, despite a less than convincing portrayal in Leak of Convenience Motion Picture – Phil Hogan is hotly tipped for his moving tour de force in Nomadlad Actor in a Supporting Role – Micheál Martin for his virtuosa performance alongside lead actor in... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

Pope

HUMBLE liberal-style greetings from your ultra-reformist Supreme Pontiff. Oh, yes, spring has sprung and all-encompassing Vatican-style love is in the air. Sadly, there is always someone to spoil it. This bossy McAleese woman insists on hogging the limelight, telling Ireland’s easily-led Catholics about right and wrong – which happens to be my job. She has... Read more »

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THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE WHITE HOUSE

joe-biden-pet

President Joe Biden has defended his controversial dog Major after the German Shepherd allegedly sunk his teeth into a member of the president’s security detail. Despite Major having been sent back to Delaware for intensive behavioral treatment, Biden has rushed to the defence of his faithful companion. “Everyone is complaining about Major’s aggressive behaviour but... Read more »

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LUKE O’NEILL ‘LIKELY TO PERSIST FOR MANY MORE MONTHS’

Luke O'Neill

Health experts are warning the public that we may just have to “learn to live” with the continued media presence of Professor Luke O’Neill. Hopes were high that the Trinity academic’s media appearances would fall heading into the milder weather but this now seems highly unlikely, after an unexpected gig as guest editor of RTÉ’s... Read more »

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OIREACHTAS EASTER HUNT

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Brighten your eyes, bush up your tails, and hop to the annual Oireachtas Easter Egg Hunt. Follow the trail of heavily sanitised clues around Leinster House to find the hidden treasure of missing vaccines! Possible prizes include: • Unlimited access to public contracts • The Healy-Rae cap collection • Helen McEntee’s portfolio • A meeting... Read more »

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ADVERTISEMENT: STILL IN BUSINESS!!!

Leo Courier

Varadkar Courier Services wishes to remind all it loyal customers that despite unfounded rumours and speculation circulating on the mainstream and social media, we are NOT planning to cease trading! Recent sightings of gardaí on the premises, the acquisition of statements by some staff members and the removal of some documentation is no cause for... Read more »

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RACHAEL BLACKMORE

Rachael Blackmore

What’s next for Cheltenham’s trail-blazing champion jockey? Stud farm inspector checking on trainers who might be taking their ease on the nearest dead horse. Co-presenter with Mary McAleese of RTÉ show interviewing C-list celebs on horseback in the wilds. Replace Stephen Kenny and instantly get the Ireland team back on track. Join the horse-loving royal... Read more »

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MARTIN RULED ‘SAFE AND INEFFECTIVE’

Michael Martin

A new ruling from the European Medical Authority has confirmed Micheál Martin to be hopelessly safe and ineffective. “Martin is totally harmless,” said EMA chief Emer Cooke. “In fact I’m struggling to think of a blander and safer politician, except maybe Michael McGrath. There is understandable wariness about the clots around him, especially Jack Chambers... Read more »

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IRISH FILLIES TO AVOID AT CHELTENHAM

O’Leary’s Gambit

O’Leary’s Gambit Progeny of Moment of Madness and What Were You Thinking from the infamous Gordon Elliott stable. O’Leary’s Gambit is hoping to achieve unprecedented success now that his trainer will be able to concentrate on his horses in Ireland. Albatross Previously owned by the Communicorp stable but was recently picked up by a German... Read more »

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KENNY DOUBLES DOWN ON WORLD CUP QUALIFICATION

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Republic of Ireland manager Stephen Kenny has reiterated the importance of getting Ireland to a World Cup. Speaking to the media, he said: “Obviously, most fans have already given up on the idea of qualifying for Qatar. However, this 2030 World Cup bid has really thrown us a lifeline. “The opportunity to automatically qualify as... Read more »

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BANK CLOSURES A COMPASSIONATE MOVE – FRANCESCA MCDONAGH EXPLAINS

Francesca McDonagh

As CEO of Bank of Oireland my utmost priority is and always has been the comfort and confidence of our loverly, loverly Oirish customers, bless them all. It pains me to see our beloved customers face a 25-minute queue – in cramped conditions – for the sole window clerk. To witness a member of the... Read more »

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DUBLIN INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL FAVOURITES

Film festival

Bonnie and Clyde Reinterpretation of the classic movie about a pair of thieves. After their escape from prison, Bonnie and Clyde are disgusted to find their favourite banks have all been closed down by NatWest and Bank of Ireland. All the President’s Men A suave ex-president (Nicholas Sarkozy) finds himself in a dystopian nightmare future... Read more »

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STUDENT PARTIES CONDEMNED

Phil Hogan

Phil Hogan Partying in the street is terribly anti-social; think of the neighbours! If these students had any sense they would have hosted their little get-together in an over-booked hotel function room – ideally with 18 holes in the vicinity. Miriam O’Callaghan It’s utterly irresponsible for these students to attend any kind of party during... Read more »

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VACCINE EXCUSES INCREASE BY 25,000

Vaccine

The HSE has confirmed it is on course to reach its target of 25,000 excuses per week over its inept vaccine roll-out. A spokesman said an unexpected development in the supply chain – caused by AstraZeneca finally delivering some vaccines – had caused a shortfall recently, but the HSE planned to significantly ramp up excuse... Read more »

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COUNTRY IN NEW ‘HORSEGATE’ SHOCK!

Michael O'Leary

Irish horseracing was plunged into a fresh controversy yesterday as evidence emerged of horse owner Michael O’Leary presiding over the flogging of a dead horse. The alleged abuse is said to have occurred over a prolonged period as the airline guru was trying to persuade the Irish government to abolish Covid-19 restrictions and enforce compulsory... Read more »

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FÁILTE IRELAND UNVEILS VIRTUAL – “ST PADDY’S PANDEMIC PARADE”

zoom shamrock

St Patrick’s Day revellers rejoice! Enjoy Fáilte Ireland’s Zoom (for 40 minutes max) from the comfort of your quarantine hotel room. Here are some of the many attractions put together by Fáilte Ireland: • Gordon Elliott’s Not-So-Merry-Go-Round • Jim Corr: Ireland’s Biggest Online Clown • UL’s Pandemic Party Procession • Davy’s Funny-Looking Float • The... Read more »

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SHIP COULD ‘BREAK APART’ AT ANY MINUTE

FF Ghost Ship

Fears are growing about the stability of a stricken vessel which is now believed to be completely washed up. The S.S. Fianna Fáil hit the rocks in early 2020 and has been listing badly to the right ever since. This coupled with the continuous damage inflicted on it by the treacherous Red C has meant... Read more »

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THAT OPRAH INTERVIEW

Harry and Megan

OPRAH: You’ve allowed me into your personal royal celebrity space, I feel so enhumbled I’m literally weeping for joy. HARRY: Feel free to ask us any of the questions we agreed. MEGHAN: We’re just happy to be beyond the glare of the world’s intrusive media. It allows us to send positivity into our universe by... Read more »

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JUDGES TO REDUCE PERSONAL DAMAGES

Roma Mitchell

by Our Legal Staff Phil Boots In the biggest revolution in legal history, the country’s most senior judges have voted in favour of reducing the amount of damages resulting from personal injury cases. “When it comes to dubious insurance claims, it’s essential that pay-outs are proportionate,” said a spokesman for the Bar Council last night.... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

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Greetings faithful, Last weekend I walked through some historic ruins – not of the Fianna Fáil party but rather of old Mosul in Iraq. I prayed for an end to suffering, particularly of Irish football fans who haven’t seen their team score a goal since the Bronze Age. I also prayed for rapprochement between bitter... Read more »

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KENNY URGES PATIENCE

Stephen Kenny

Ireland football manager Stephen Kenny has called on fans to be “patient” in the search for goals as he prepares his side for the opening World Cup qualifiers against Serbia and Luxembourg. “I understand that fans want to see us ram in four, five or even one goal every game, but it’s about evolution not... Read more »

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WARNING OVER CONSPIRACY THEORIES

YouTube logo

Authorities are warning about the danger of YouTube conspiracy theories, with growing concern over videos being posted by fringe organisations like Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael. Such content is said to be “a mass of disinformation” promoting outlandish ideas, such as suggesting that the current coalition isn’t completely clueless. “These videos do incredible harm,” said... Read more »

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ANDY FARRELL HEADHUNTED BY LIONS

Andy Farrell

The IRFU have said they would be “over the moon” if head coach Andy Farrell was offered a coaching role with the British and Irish Lions. The rugby outfit is believed to be “cautiously optimistic” Farrell will link up with Warren Gatland’s outfit for the 2021 series and vowed they wouldn’t stand in his way... Read more »

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