Craic & Codology

Category: Craic & Codology

Lives of the Saints No. 52 – St Josepha of Madigan

Josepha Madigan

AND THERE was living in those times a woman of culture and great piety named Josepha who was known for her radiant smile and angelic voice.

This pious lady entered the Leinster House cloisters where she took a vow of celebrity, smiting lowly travellers and opposing liberal ways. Along her journey, she saw the light was converted to populism.

Embracing the new pathway towards ministerial salvation Josepha visited her local temple to give thanks, but there was no male celebrant in sight. So she sallied forth to mount the pulpit and lead the faithful in a solemn reading of the Good Book of Fine Gael.

And her words rang out: “We need a new religion for all the young worshippers out there who are seeking a charismatic woman leader who doesn’t believe in all that old anti-feminist Catholic gobbledygook,” she shrieked.

And the blessed Josepha incurred the wrath of the leading Church elder Diarmuid who became sore vexed and began to quake but Josepha smote him, saying: “Verily, you are yesterday’s man for it is high time that powerful females like myself can use the altar to carry out good works such as shameless self-promotion.”

And lo, Josepha finally found the mass following she always craved and was bestowed with favour by the lowly scribes in the Blessed Media.


Schwadron - Voice Selfie


JOAN BURTON’S TREASURE TROVE

Joan Burton

JOAN BURTON has confirmed the following items were stolen from her house recently:

  • 500 Gilmore for Taoiseach posters
  • 1,200 Frankfurt’s Way or Labour’s Way t-shirts
  • Copy of the Communist Manifesto (unread)
  • Spare wheel for ministerial car
  • Thank You cards from Fine Gael
  • Voodoo doll of Mary Lou McDonald
  • Map of Jobstown

Festy-07-13-18


THERESA MAY CAVE

Theresa May

SEARCH TEAMS say it could be years before they are able to rescue Theresa May and her cabinet from the massive pothole they are trapped in.

The British Prime Minister and her colleagues marched straight into a maze of confusion following their decision to get out of Europe and all attempts to coax them back to safety have ended in failure, with bad news continuing to flood in.

Internal squabbling and pathetic grandstanding by the marooned Tories have hampered rescue attempts and it’s expected they will struggle to emerge from their predicament damage free.

Irish Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney said he was monitoring the situation carefully and that he hoped for a positive resolution. “I know better than anyone about caving in difficult circumstances, and our thoughts and prayers are with Theresa at this difficult time,” he said.


Denis O'Brien RTE


Bertie’s decision: public reacts

Bertie Ahern

By Dee Pressing

THERE WAS consternation last weekend after former Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, reiterated his pledge not to run for president against incumbent Michael Twee Higgins.

“I’m devastated,” said a barber in Limerick. “My entire family was looking forward to letting him know that we would never forget him and his time as Taoiseach. Now it looks like we won’t get to chance to vote against him after all.”

Similarly, a Clare mother of six spoke of her regret: “All I ever wanted was three minutes with that man on my doorstep! Just three f***ing minutes!” she sighed heavily.

Elsewhere, a glimmer of hope emerged. “I’ve been immersed in the Bert’s career for decades and if he stated categorically and beyond doubt that he had no intention of running, then it looks like we could have a contest on out hands after all,” said one Dublin Central insider.


FIVE GUYS REVIEW THE IRISH TIMES

Five Guys

AS THE black and white décor had accurately forewarned, a colourless experience lay ahead – but we could never have known how utterly bland this serving of monochrome mediocrity would prove to be.

Choosing from an insipid menu, we started with something called a “Fintan”. Peppered with tri-syllabic affectation and dipped in alphabet soup, we abandoned it, gagging half way through.
We turned to some diary produce, which transpired to have all the qualities and effect of melted sedative draped over tripe that was thrice reheated and accompanied by re-hashed simile.
A “speciality” called “Harding” was strongly recommended but predictably this proved to be overdone mutton dressed as lamb, with a few carrots added in a failed attempt to render it digestible.

In desperation for something of even vague substance we chose to finish with a Mullally, described as “fresh and invigorating food for thought”. Sadly what we got was soggy, reheated waffle badly in need of spicing.

To summarise, everything seemed well past its sell-by date. Making a meal of everything: €2.


SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD-3613

TAX HAVEN PASCHAL DONOHOE
Brass plaque operations Brass neck in operation
Practises double Irish Practises double Dutch
Light-touch regulation Soft-touch regulation
Low headline rate Plenty of negative headlines
No physical presence No presence whatsoever
Use trusts Misused trust
Flexible with corporate law Flexible with corporation tax

THOSE IRISH DERBY NON-RUNNERS

Green jersey

Drumm Beat:
ONCE considered a “banker” by punters before betraying their faith with a shocking display under a free rein in the Meltdown Banking Handicap. No luck Stateside since then when collared by Boston Marshall before having a stop put to his gallop completely by Judge Karen back on home soil. Expensive to follow.

stars stripes jersey

Dodgy Donald:
BLINKERED American raider by Loud Oaf out of His Tree, with a discomforting tendency to swerve to the right. Mulish no-hoper and strong chance of repeating his antics of the Clean Climate Challenge Trophy when digging his heels in and refusing to participate. Bound to end in tears unless put back in his box.

Blue Jersey

Simon Second:
JADED plodder easily trounced recently by stablemate Leo the Spin in the Leader Champion Stakes in an embarrassing display of…(That’s enough also rans for now – Ed)


Lidl Funnies


LOVE ISLAND

Leo Love Island 2018

Spoiler: Leo finally apologises to Micheál after being slammed by new boy Eoghan

LEO VARADKAR’S behaviour has shocked viewers and TDs as he callously smiled at Brendan Howlin while Micheál cried in front of him. The playboy turned his head for three party leaders in two weeks, and Micheál was left crying as he tried to share his feelings for him.

But after new boy Eoghan Murphy came in last night and made sure Leo knew his actions weren’t acceptable, the Taoiseach apologised to Micheál for his actions. He took the FF leader to one side: “I think things between me and you haven’t turned out the best. And I’m sorry. Prepare for an election.” Meanwhile, Mary Lou tells viewers in the cam room that she’s fed up with Michelle O’Neill flirting with Gerry Adams.


Scott Masear - Look like an accident


DRUMM SLAMS GOVERNMENT OVER ‘WASTED TALENT’

David Drumm

By Al Catraz

FORMER Anglo-Irish Bank chief executive David Drumm has slammed the government for facilitating “a wanton waste of talent” following his first week in jail for industrial-scale fraud.

In a memo smuggled out of Mountjoy in someone’s arse yesterday the convicted fraudster says he is “fitting in fine” in his new surroundings but is “astounded by the sheer waste of talent” around him.

“Everywhere I look there are chancers, gangsters, highly capable con artists and even out and out ruthless gangsters,” he reveals. “Why are these people not out there running Ireland’s banking sector? They are perfect material.”

The former fugitive says he has “worked with far less talent” who have helped banks to prosper “yet our government is depriving Ireland of these amazing skills. It’s a criminal waste!”


Oceans 8


T.V. LISTINGS

Retro tv icon

Love Ireland: TV3 – 8pm A group of politicians living in isolation from the outside world in a villa called Leinster House and constantly under media surveillance. To survive in the villa two political parties must couple up with one another to form a ‘government’ whether it be by a lust for power, a merc, love, friendship or money. The new ‘leader’ this season is Mary Lou who is being courted by Leo and Micheál. But could Leo and Micheál end up in bed with one another?


HEY BUDDY!

Seal of the President of the United States

The Ambassador of the United States to Ireland
cordially invites you to attend the biggest, vastest, most funly July 4th
celebration EVER at his residence in the Phoenix Park.
This year the emphasis is very much on family fun — though maybe
not all together in the same place
So feel free to bring the kids and let us take care of them in our special
children’s entertainment unit.
Enjoy peace of mind knowing they are well guarded in our secure play cages.
Triple burgers, apple pie and doughnuts served all day long!
Entrance by hole in fence – numbers strictly limited.
God bless America!


Festy - Bluebird


LABOUR CALLS FOR STATE APOLOGY

Labour-logo

By Maya Culpa

THERE WERE growing calls last night for the former government to issue a State apology to members of the Labour Party community.

The call for a gesture of compassion comes just days after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar issued an apology to gay people in Ireland who had suffered for being who they were over past decades.

Said one veteran Labourite: “We too have been victimised over many decades. We’ve been ridiculed and ostracised just for being ourselves, for behaving in our natural way and in for our chosen relationships. My own family wouldn’t talk to me after we embraced Fianna Fáil back in the day!”

Former Labour Party leader Joan Burton said she envied the gay community. “At least they’re accepted now. We’re still getting fingers pointed at us and people laughing. Some days I even wish I was born Sinn Féin.”


Ron McGeary - No Parking


HARRY AND MEG’S DUBLIN ITINERARY

Harry and Megan

10am: Land in Dublin.
10.30am: Stand smiling beside Leo while he still struggles with a hurl, as is tradition.
11.00am: Go to Croke Park to learn about the GAA and its historically mixed feeling towards your family.
12.00pm: Lunch in the Cat and Cage Pub in Drumcondra.
1.30pm: Go to Bus Áras to meet travelling contingent of Corkonian forelock tuggers.
3.30pm: Guinness Storehouse visit.
5pm: More pictures of Harry and Meghan awkwardly holding hurls.
6pm: Meet Michael D. Pat him on the head.
7pm: Meet a lovely rickshaw driver and sample local confectionery.
9pm: Trad session in The Temple Bar.
10pm-12am: Meet the INMO and the GRA in McGowan’s, Phibsboro. (Reminder: Learn lyrics to the Irish national anthem, Wagon Wheel).
12.15am: Continue meeting in Coppers.


Ryanair summer destinations


VARADKAR WON’T APOLOGISE FOR APOLOGIES

Leo Varadkar

By Max Culpa

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has refused point blank to apologise for the number of apologies he has presided over in the Dáil, leaving some members of the opposition apologetic with rage (surely “apoplectic”? – Ed)

In fact, he has just announced that the government is to introduce a novel scheme whereby every voter in the State will be able to apologise formally for any wrongdoing or slight they have ever perpetrated against any person or persons. A special form will be available in Iris Oifigiúil and online at www.sorry.pal.ie that will allow any person to fill in the details of their apology.

Mr Varadkar hopes the media will lend their support to this initiative by creating a special Apologies Page, similar to the letters page, in their publications.

He also hopes Joe Duffy will devote a section of his radio show to reading out the more interesting apologies and that RTÉ will commission a special programme, perhaps entitled Ireland’s Wild Apologies built around the avalanche of interesting material the initiative is bound to generate.

“This will also provide a welcome boost to the coffers of those employed in the legal profession,” he added.


Mr Ross


Drumm pulls on the Green Jersey again

David Drumm

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND supporters are being urged to support Mexico at this year’s World Cup.

Chairman of the Green Jersey Brigade David Drumm made the plea to get behind El Tricolor at this summer’s tournament.

Drummer said the North American nation represented everything that is good about the beautiful game.

“Watching them during their qualifying matches one can’t help but be impressed by their carefree, light-touch and swashbuckling style. There is no shortage of swaggering either which I applaud,” said Drumm.

Mexico find themselves in the group of death alongside Germany, South Korea and Sweden.

This doesn’t faze the cocky Drumm as he confidently predicts the Aztecs will make serious inroads in Russia.

“The usual suspects will try and stifle their creativity and flair but they should get out of the group behind perennial favourites Deutschland Deutschland Über Alles. Although, you can never write off the Germans – just ask that fucking shower of clowns on Dame Street,” he said.


Summit of the Century key points

Trump Summit

  • No nuclear attacks before the end of Miss Universe competition 
  • KFC to open restaurant in Pyongyang presidential palace 
  • Stormy Daniels to be given an all expenses paid holiday to North Korea 
  • United States to reduce sales tax on uranium 
  • Donald Trump’s face to be carved on Mount Rushmore 
  • Kim Jong-un to get a presidential pardon

shut-up


Ministers’ Mercs to be replaced

Shane Ross

TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross has revealed plans to replace top-of-the-range cars provided to Ministers with rickshaws.

“It would have been unfair on taxpayers if we were to saddle them with the cost of scrapping the rickshaws so I have decided to use them to replace ministerial Mercs as soon as the Mercs come to the end of their useful lives.”

One very senior Fine Gael personality said he was delighted to be given an avocado-coloured rickshaw because “now everybody will be able to see my new socks”.

In another innovative development, the Minister is proposing that the rickshaws will be driven by the Junior Ministers at the Minister’s relevant Department “adding the benefit of fitness to the other cost-saving advantages.”

However, the Minister refused to be drawn on whether the proposed new drink-driving laws would apply to rickshaws.


Jurassic World DUP


FINTAN TOOL’S SONG FOR IRELAND

Fintan O'Toole

Your chance to choose a new national anthem more in keeping with the demands of a modern country and of its greatest public intellectual. Vote early and often.

The Harp that Once Through Tara Street

The harp that once through
Tara Street
The soul of music shed
Now hangs as mute on Tara’s walls
As if the soul were fled.
So sleeps the pride of former days
So glory’s thrill is o’er
And hearts that once beat
high for praise
Now feel that pulse no more

But wait a while! Hold back despair!
Weep not for Ireland’s nation.
Fintan’s voice has not been lost
It’s only on vacation!
New columns cram his fevered brain,
He only has to write ‘em.
And then he’ll once more, unrestrained
Harp on ad infinitum

Rawmaishin’ Once Again

When boyhood’s fire was in
my blood
I walked the streets of Crumlin
And read of cowboys in the Dáil
From bogland and from
drumlin
And then I prayed I yet
might see
Their letters sent in vain
’Bout me, a famous columnist.
Rawmaishin’ once again.

The Man Behind the (News)Wires

Through the little streets of Dublin
In the dark of early morn
Fintan Tool is off marauding
Wrecking right-wing plans
with scorn
Heedless of PR consultants
Dragging spin-docs from their beds
Beating nuns while
Mothers Superior
Pull their hairs out of their heads

Chorus:
– Anglo-Irish Banks and Nuns
Larry Goodman, Ray Burke, Dunnes
Everyone must feel his ire,
The man behind the wires

Fintan’s Call

Come the day and come the hour
Come the column or news story
We are here to answer Fintan’s Call
From the four proud principles of social democracy

Chorus
Ireland, Ireland, Together
leaning left
Shoulder to shoulder
We’ll punish capitalist theft

From the mighty Glens of Antrim,
From the rugged hills of Galway,
From the walls of Limerick and Dublin Bay,
We’ll abolish fee-paying rugby schools eventually.


DAVID DRUMM’S MENU

Anglo Irish Bank logo

Breakfast:
Porridge, smell the coffee, egg-on-face, toast.

Dinner:
Meat: In a stew, porky pies, tripe;
Fishy: Load of cod, shark

Veg:
Hot potatoes, leeks, beetrootful, tough tomatoes
Herbs: Doing thyme, cost a mint

Dessert:
Fruit: pear-shaped, gone bananas, cashew nuts, date with the judge.

All food must be consumed by cell-by date


Spotify Drumm


TDs caught up in adoption scandal

Brendan Howlin

A NUMBER of well-known politicians have been caught up in the adoption scandal. “Due to incorrect registration taking place, these politicians joined a different political ‘family’ than they intended,” said Minister for Children, Katherine Chapperone.

Some of these unfortunate TDs may have no idea how they adopted policies and parties that they now regret. Many have lost their true identity.

Speaking on the matter, Labour Party leader Brendan Howlin said: “I always believed that I was a left wing politician until I got into Government with Fine Gael and discovered who my real family was.”

Stephen Donnelly

Stephen Donnelly

Wicklow Fianna Fáil TD Stephen Donnelly struck a similar tone. “I was originally an Independent,” he explained, “before I was adopted by the Social Democrat family. Imagine my shock and confusion when I discovered that Fianna Fáil was in my blood all along.”

Separately, Donnelly’s party leader Micheál Martin had this to say: “I have come to admire and support my neighbours in the FG clan in recent years and I now – having propped them up for a number of years and worked closely alongside them – believe that I may actually be one of them”.

Micháel Martin

Micháel Martin


PUTIN ‘GUTTED’ BY IRISH WORLD CUP ABSENCE

John Delaney

By Moss Cow

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has revealed his “immense disappointment” that Ireland failed to qualify for his nation’s World Cup.

“I had been very much looking forward to meeting Comrade John Delaney at the games,” said the former KGB agent.

“I have long admired John and hoped to learn more about his immense staying power and ability to hold onto power no matter how many people want to send you on a one-way train to Siberia!

“Speaking of out in the cold how is my good friend Comrade Hickey, by the way?”


Doctor in the House

Doctor Varadkar

After the drama of the marathon operation to remove the 8th Amendment, life is returning to normal in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. For hospital master Leo Varadkar, it’s a chance to get out and about again, first with a visit to the Phoenix Park.

Simon Harris: Remind me what we’re doing here?

Varadkar: Promoting fruit and vegetables, basically. It’s something called the Healthy Ireland initiative. “HI”, for short.

Harris: The old “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing?

Varadkar: Gosh, I hope not. We have a livelihood to defend. What’s the story, John?

John Concannon: Don’t worry – we warned the HI people you wouldn’t endorse apples. It’s mostly cherries, tomatoes – that sort of stuff. Avocados too, naturally.

Varadkar: And oranges, I see.

Concannon: Yes. Which reminds me. Don’t forget you have an early start tomorrow – your trip to Nordie Land.

Harris: Where are you going?

Varadkar: Darkest Belfast. Humanitarian mission with Médecins Sans Frontières.

Harris: Wow. Hope you got all your shots?

Varadkar: Yes, they gave me the full works last week in the Tropical Medicines Bureau. Haven’t had so many shots since my graduation party.

Belfast Airport, next day. As Dr Varadkar passes through the arrivals area, he meets a familiar figure.

Varadkar: Nurse Foster! Fancy meeting you here.

Foster: Why wouldn’t I be here? This is my home. But what brings you to foreign – and I emphasise “foreign” – parts?

Varadkar: Doing a bit of volunteer work for Médecins Sans Frontières. You know – Doctors Without Borders?

Foster: Without borders, eh? Sounds like another Fenian conspiracy. And where would you be planning to do this nefarious work, exactly?

Varadkar (consulting schedule): Our first stop is some place called “The Falls”. I don’t know where that is, but it sounds dramatic. Is it like the Zambezi Falls?

Foster: Very similar. A lot of crocodiles there. I hope you’re not planning to go swimming with them?

Varadkar: It’s strictly work, nurse. And after that, we’re visiting a tribe of so-called Orangemen somewhere.

Foster: That’ll be interesting for you. Just be careful they don’t have you for dinner.

The Orange Heritage Centre, later. Dr Varadkar studies a patient in the company of MSF’s permanent representative in the region, Simon Coveney.

Varadkar: Fascinating. So that’s where they get the name – from this distinctive orange rash around the neck?

Coveney: It’s not a rash – it’s a sash. It comes off – although not during July, usually.

Varadkar (to patient): could you lie down a moment, please? I need to check your blood pressure.

Orangeman: I think I’ll stan’, if you don’t mind. It’s only Croppies lie down aroun’ here.

Varadkar: Okay, suit yourself. (He straps the patient’s arm, inflates, and checks dial). Gosh. 16/90. I’ve never seen a blood pressure reading like that before.

Coveney: Yeah, it happens during what they call the Marching Season. Everything goes back to 1690 then.

Varadkar (to patient): Could I ask you to step onto this treadmill?

Orangemen (on treadmill, walking fast and singing): “It is old but it is beautiful, and its colours they are fine. It was worn at Derry, Aughrim, Enniskillen, and the Boyne…”

Varadkar (Checking dial again): Amazing. Even during vigorous exercise, while belting out ballads, it’s still 16/90.

Coveney: It’ll be like that until August at least.

Varadkar: But I love the sash. Remind me to get one in the souvenir shop. I am SO wearing that at Dublin Pride this year.

Coveney: Er, if you say so, Leo.

Monday morning. Back in the hospital, Dr Varadkar marks his first year as master by launching yet another major development: Global Infirmary 2025.

Varadkar (reading brief): So it says here this will double the hospital’s “global footprint”. What does that mean?

Concannon: Basically, you’re hiring a second reflexologist.

Varadkar: You mean a practitioner of that pseudo-science whereby all sorts of serious medical conditions are supposed to be treatable by foot massage?

Conconnon: Don’t knock it, Leo. It’s popular.

Varadkar: I didn’t even know we had a first reflexologist?

Concannon: Yeah, she’s operating out of a converted broom cupboard somewhere. That’s the other advantage of alternative medicine. It’s a lot cheaper than the real thing.

Varadkar: Fair enough. But what about the rest of this stuff? About massive expansion of our presence in the world.

Conconnon: Don’t worry. It’s all pretty vague and long-term. It sounds good now but nobody will remember it in six months.

Varadkar (reading) I see we’re committing ourselves to the UN target of 0.7% overseas development assistance?

Concannon: Yeah, but did you check the deadline?

Varadkar: 2030? I take it that doesn’t mean half-eight this evening?

Concannon: No – ha, ha. It’s the other 2030, by which time Simon Harris will probably have your job.

Varadkar: Fair enough. I’m fully committed so.


SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD-3612

TRINITY COLLEGE TREE LEO VARADKAR
Wooden Wooden
Deep roots in Trinity College Shallow roots in Fine Gael
Planted 170 years ago Plants self-serving stories in the media
Toppled by disease Toppled Enda Kenny
Covered in bark Barks at Independent Alliance
Lots of leaves during the summer Lots of leave during summer recess
Exudes sap Exudes smarminess
Would make great cabinet Will never make great cabinet

CLARIFICATION

Rob Kearney

IN RECENT times we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team was on the brink of unprecedented glory.

Headlines such as Schmidt’s Superheroes, Our Invincible Idols and Rucking Unbeatable! could have suggested the men in green were on the precipice of an era of brilliance.

After their defeat to Australia in the first test, it is glaringly obvious that we were talking complete bollocks. This bumbling bunch of overpaid John Sexton-cum-latelys are out of their depth and should be called home immediately before they inflict any further damage on our proud nation’s image abroad.

Again our regret for any misunderstanding that may have arisen in our previous coverage and we hope this finally and irrevocably clarifies our true stance on the misfiring misfits at least until the next game.


Boris: I say!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t

CRIPES! And extra cripes! Talk about a bombshell! Madam May has only gone and sanctioned the dreaded Heathrow extension. And guess what? Poor old Bojo’s constituency is directly under the bally flightpath. Mind you, with the current PM making such a mess of Brexit, we need to have extra capacity for Mr and Mrs John Bull to flee the country until proper government is restored.

I’m reliably told that the new runway will be discreetly shielded behind hedgerows and exotic palm trees. So it’s completely different to all the old proposals that I strictly opposed – which had no hedging whatsoever. Anyway, the Bozmeister is due to be called abroad on top-secret urgent business when the vote will take place in a week or two. Phew! Problem solved.

Unlike the ghastly situation with our new DUP chummies who are now planning to construct enormous walls and sea defences around Northern Ireland to stop these pro-abortion Irish Southerners kayaking round in the middle of the night. Friend Sammy Wilson going absolutely apoplectic in Westminster – even worse than Boxcar Willie McCrea. Seems as though these mad Creationist types won’t be happy until every women in the country is having babies left, right and centre – just like in The Handmaid’s Tale.

Simply can’t see why Mrs M lets them loose. The sooner she packs her ridiculous shoes and clears off, the better for everyone – especially my good self who will be finally installed in Downing Street full-time. That means getting down to business straightaway. Princess Meghan round for vital Brexit discussions and late-night drinks. Old Bozza back on top where he belongs. Phwoar!


T.V. LISTINGS

Retro tv icon

• Lords and Ladles – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30pm
Join celebrity chef Boris Johnson as he serves up the same tired old tripe from yesteryear to some very sceptical Irish and European diners.  
• Raised by the Village – RTÉ One: Monday,  6.30pm
Bratty manchild Leo is packed off to the Orange Order museum in Belfast to try to instil a Protestant work ethic in the notoriously work-shy Taoiseach.


World Cup by the numbers

2018-fifa-world-cup

18: Eamon Dunphy meltdowns… on the first day
81: Percentage of available Irish audience watching the BBC coverage
101: George Hamilton mixed metaphors
9000: Times RTÉ panel will say you can never write off the Germans
1.2 million: Disgruntled GAA fans complaining about the Sunday Game getting pushed down the schedule


Melania Trump favourites

Melania Trump

Favourite film: Gone Baby Gone
Favourite TV show: Lost
Favourite song: Missing, Everything But The Girl
Favourite game: Hide and seek
Favourite rapper: M.I.A.
Favourite destination: Split
Favourite exercise: Cut and run
Favourite insect: Flea
Favourite detergent: Vanish
Favourite food: Dessert


Those DUP policy shifts

DUP logo

The DUP has unveiled some new policies to attract and retain its (apparently) new-found nationalist/republican voters:

  • Fish in Lough Foyle can identify as British or Irish
  • Gregory Campbell to acknowledge earth is no longer flat
  • DUP to lift ban on use of pot pourri in its offices
  • Sammy Wilson to start eating basmati rice
  • Londonderry to be renamed Irishtown
  • Arlene Foster to wear Fermanagh jersey
  • Belfast Newsletter to refer to Theresa May as Theresa Bealtaine

THOSE LEAVING CERT EXAM PAPERS

Maths:
A) If three people ring Joe Duffy to complain about the HSE on Tuesday, how many are most likely to follow up with similar complaints on Wednesday?

B) Taking 10% for buying fruit and 5% for vegetables, how many cans of extra strong lager can you get for the change from a €50 note if keep a tenner back for cannabis?

Geography:
A) What world do the guards live in at all, at all?

B) Name one other country that would put up with the carry-on of the Healy-Rae’s!

Politics and Society:
A) Describe in detail how the Brexit process has affected your emotions under one of the following headings:
i) haven’t slept for two years;
ii) hilarious;
iii) couldn’t give a twopenny shit!

B) Should society ever forgive Fianna Fáil and if so, what kind of idiots do you take us for?!


Harry Burton - exam time


WORLD CUP FORM GUIDE

2018-fifa-world-cup

Putin-World-Cup

England
Manager May’s side will again be reliant on Foster to keep them in the game by staying onside and sticking to the game plan no matter how desperate things get. Meanwhile expect another half dozen “backstoppers” lining up in a token effort to shore up the rearguard and prevent anyone sneaking in behind.
Tactics bordering on the ridiculous and odds to remain at 1,000/1.

Germany

Certain to deploy the usual game plan of choosing the ball, deciding the opponent’s team and tactics, refereeing the match, running the line, making the rules, deciding the score, parking the bus precisely on time and beating England on penalties.
Teutonic to 1 to retain the title.

In a shock development the former holders suffered a setback when lanky skipper Rajoy of the Rivers was voted out of the squad for failing to notice the many runs of teammates into profitable space. “They were not only running into neat little pockets on the wing but were also filling them with euros!” sighs one fan. “The right wingers were having a field day against us!”
Odds: €600 to everyone.

Considered by many experts to have all the right ingredients to do serious damage in the near future. Key danger man Ayatollah Khamenei has vowed not to attack the opposition unless he is provoked although few believe him. While the Iranians pose a threat they are expected to bomb out of the competition. 
Bookies odds: Shiite.

Things had started to look up for the Koreans with the news that star player Kim Jong-un would qualify to play for the South after a long stint with Pyongyang FC. Unfortunately, preparations for their matches have been hampered by cancellations and allegations of piss-taking by football authorities. Their fans will be hoping that danger-man Kim shows up in June. 
Bookies odds: Jong-Unrealistic.

Russia boss Vladimir Putin is known throughout the world for his ability to frustrate the opposition and grind out winning results against the odds.  As a player he showed promise on the left wing but his transition to management has seen him stand accused of very conservative tactics and relying on over-the-hill cronies. 
Odds: Donetsk to nothing.


That opening ceremony in full

stadium


Winds of change blow across the land

GDPR

JUBILATION: Scenes of unalloyed joy in Dublin last weekend as the General Data Protection Rules were implemented

By Fintan Tool

AS THE fallout continues from last week’s historic events campaigners from both sides of the debate have urged the public to remain calm.

On Saturday May 26, people awoke to find themselves in a land where life as they knew it had changed irrevocably.

Many expressed anger, joy, hurt and relief in equal measure.

The campaign was dominated by allegations of outside interference and blatant scaremongering by activists on either side of the issue.

The topic bitterly divided families, friends, neighbours and colleagues but despite the decisive outcome many citizens still don’t know what is going to happen in the immediate future.

As one Longford accountant told this reporter: “The politicians keep saying they are simply following the will of the people.

“To be honest, though, I just haven’t a bloody clue what this GDPR thing is all about,” he said.


SF leaders stun the crowd

SF leaders stun the crowd


THE REFERENDUM — AN APOLOGY

Declan Ganley

IN RECENT days, readers may have been given the erroneous impression that we somehow believed the referendum to repeal the 8th would be a close-run thing and that the No side led by gorgeous pouting celebrities such as Maria Steen, Theresa Lowe and Declan Ganley were closing the gap at an accelerated rate.

Headlines such as TOO CLOSE TO CALL and NEW REFERENDUM WILL BE REQUIRED may have been misinterpreted by some readers as confirmation of that impression.

We now realise, after the referendum was carried by a huge majority that the No side is a bunch of incompetent, reactionary failures who couldn’t argue their way out of a paper bag. Today’s headlines – IT WAS MARY LOU WOT WON IT and LEO THE LION will hopefully convey a truer picture of our view that the No side should never again be allowed access to the media.

Until the next referendum when once again we invite Mary, Theresa and, okay, even Declan to grace the pages of our esteemed organ, once again.

Maria Steen and Theresa Lowe offer excuses for the result: pages: 69 to 99


Scenes at Dublin Castle

Scenes at Dublin Castle


TV Listings

Retro tv icon

Stressed, Wednesday, 9.35pm – Ray D’Arcy’s stress levels go through the roof when his chat show is moved into the graveyard shift. To make matters worse, a smutty man dressed as a woman fills his slot.

Bloom Live, Thursday, 8.30pm – Join Ireland’s finest muckrakers as they converge on Dublin Castle to explain how certain stories were allegedly planted in the media. Contains lots of tulips who claim to be wallflowers.


ExitPoll


GDPR – HOW IT AFFECTS YOU

data-protection-commissioner

A Q&A with the Office of the Data Protection Commissioner

Q) About 25 years ago I was obliged to leave my job with immediate effect to take up a similar post 200 miles away. This pattern has continued every few years. Can I now compel my boss to destroy any data he has on my personal affairs over that time? It’s rather important.
A) You certainly can. Your bishop must do as you say, though he may well have done so already.

Q) After celebrating a five-horse accumulator last night I distinctly remember arriving home in a taxi at dawn but I seem to be missing my trousers. Am I legally allowed to ring the taxi driver to find out where I was?
A) Under GDPR guidelines you are ABSOLUTELY NOT permitted to utilise the name, company, gender, nationality or ranting monologue of a taxi driver for the mere purpose of retrieving a pair of trousers.


Defeat


TOP AWARD FOR AWARD SHOW

Amy Huberman

AT the IFTA Awards held in Dublin last night, the illustrious IFTA Award for The Longest and Most Boring Award Ceremony went once again to the IFTA Television Awards.

A star-studded host of celebrities in Dublin’s Mansion House watched as RTÉ’s Amy Huberman presented herself with the prestigious Seems Like A Lifetime Award.

Other Awards

  • Luvvie Presentation Award: Jason Byrne
  • Plus dozens of pages of pictures, comment, luvvies, more pics

    Spotify Ross