SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3713
|Shameless attention-seeking diva
||Shameless attention-seeking diva
|Obsessed with her public image
||Obsessed with his public image
|Latest record is a bit of a disaster
||Political record is a bit of a disaster
|Fond of adopting children
||Fond of adopting popular policies
|Loves to talk dirty
||Loves to talk about himself
|Wrote song for Kylie Minogue
||Wrote letter to Kylie Monogue
||Completely power mad
THOSE FAI RECOMMENDATIONS IN FULL
- Dramatically change culture of Irish soccer by qualifying for tournaments
- Glenn Whelan to be banned from staying in the same position for longer than eight years
- John Delaney to only be allowed sing Kate Bush songs
- Women’s football to be taken seriously (sort of)
- Climate-change responsibilities mean keeping grassroots in the dark
- References to Declan Rice to be phased out completely
- Matt Doherty to get the odd game
- Gráinne Seoige to be appointed to FAI board
- Stephen Ward’s social media account to be monitored at all times
- Stephen Kenny scapegoating to be deferred until mid-2021
BORIS: NEARLY THERE!
Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t
Phworr! What a totally historic time for Bojo to finally take his rightful place in the No 10 hot seat. And let me just pay tribute to my distinguished predecessor, Mrs Mayday, who has been an eminently exceptional Tory leader and has coped pretty brilliantly, despite not being nearly up to the mark.
But make no mistake, we will never see the likes of this robotic nonentity again. So this now clears the way for yours truly to do another top-notch deal with our troglodyte DUP chums and guarantee that Britain will once again be the talk of Europe.
With Bozza in charge, expect generous tax cuts across the board – to really encourage the super-rich and our good pals in the banking sector.
On education, we can look forward to more buns at Eton. And watch out for an immediate significant reduction in hospital waiting lists – for all private patients. You can’t say fairer than that.
Meanwhile, fair-weather friend Gove is obviously a drug-crazed liar who isn’t remotely fitted for high office. Which leaves the Bozmeister right on the job to rescue everyone from the absolute disaster that Milady May has inflicted upon it. Onwards and upwards!
(That’s enough Boris – Ed.)
OUT NOW! – VLADAME X
Leo Varadkar recently wrote to Madonna asking to pose for a photo and also the opportunity to collaborate on an album along with some showbiz pals.
- Maudlin (solo by Leo)
- God Control (featuring John Delaney)
- No Future (with assorted backbenchers)
- Crave Power (featuring Kate O’Connell)
- Butch I’m Loco (with Murph)
- Looking for Mercy (featuring Brendan ‘Howlin’ Howlin)
- Extreme Accident (Swing version with Maria Bailey)
ENDANGERED SPECIES: NO. 999 – THE COMMON SHATTERSNIPE
Once seen and heard sticking its beak in here, there and everywhere, this fly-by-night creature has now been reduced to just one disconsolate member, according to observers.
“It has been brought close to extinction by its resilient predator, the Leowl,” says one expert in has-been species who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. “It used to be so chirpy when it was resting with the legal eagles, but now the one that’s left just broods in the tall grass with the grouses.”
Recognised by its blue denim-like coat and very thin skin, sometimes the Shattersnipe’s whiney tone can be hard to listen to as it snipes aggressively at the world around it, increasingly showing an inability to adapt to the changing environment.
The Iranian government has confirmed that it was responsible for bringing down a high-flying drone.
The noisy robot, one of the ‘Donald’ range, was thought to be cruising at an altitude of “several lies per minute” when it was knocked off course and its ratings were seen plummeting to earth. There is little detail about the drone’s condition, but it’s believed it will be difficult to put everything back together again. The Donald model, while very powerful, is considered “fragile and high maintenance”.
A spokesman for the Iranian side claimed the Donald had been droning on for weeks. “I think we did the Americans a favour to be honest,” he said.
LATE ADDITIONS TO CLIMATE ACTION PLANS
- 9am to 9pm curfew on Danny Healy-Rae emitting any more hot air.
- More recycling of fossilised ideas from Shane Ross, Richard Bruton etc.
- Any toxic Garda behaviour to be buried very, very deep.
- Suggestions emitted by Micheál Martin to be doused in cold water and allowed decompose naturally.
- More wind turbines far from where ministers are living.
- The following words are to be phased out to save people the energy of writing them on a regular basis: ‘U-turn’ and ‘hypocrites’.
- Cycle the last 20 metres to the government jet (under consideration only).
TEMPTRESS INSPIRES LONGFORD LADS
MIDLANDS Love Island sensation Maura Higgins says she “dearly hopes” her performance on the reality television show will inspire her native Longford footballers to “go out and get what they so dearly want, what they need”.
The 28 year old has wowed viewers with her tenacity and determination to come out on top of every situation. “When you’re after something you desperately want, you have to make that jump, grab it with both hands and hold onto it hard,” advised the shapely star.
“Longford football has been underperforming for way too long and I like to think I have shown them another way to improve their position and come out on top.”
Tacky reality show in which a group of extrovert contestants pretend to be close friends. Behind the scenes, they are all secretly trying to screw one another every chance they get. Viewers will be watching avidly tonight to see if Leo will eventually come clean about taking any drugs during his university days. Is this the reason that he’s losing any appeal he ever had?
Creepy denim-clad Alan keeps moaning about all the unjust things that are happening to him. His lurking gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.
Murph says working out is important to him, but the trouble is that he isn’t working out with anyone and everyone wonders how long before he gets the heave-ho.
Meanwhile, in a last desperate bid to save her crumbling career, provocative Maura Lou is thinking of getting into bed with Micheál, even though he is already in bed with Leo. Confused? Not nearly as much as they are.
Warning: Contains tawdry scenes of flirtation and betrayal that are unsuitable for children or, indeed, adults.
by our Health Correspondent Seth Downe
IN A shocking new development, the Minister for Health Spending, Simon Harris, has announced that the Irish health service will face yet another crisis from next week.
“It’s true,” he confirmed. “I have been advised that, from next week, every hospital in the country will be occupied by patients. They are threatening to occupy all of the wards, operating theatres and waiting rooms – even taking possession of the trolleys in the corridors.”
While some of the protesters will conduct what they are terming a ‘short-stay’ protest; others are set to occupy trolleys for days on end. Some older patients say they are willing to die on the trolleys if necessary.
“How can one run a health service if patients conduct themselves in this manner,” the health minister asked. “It’s my job to decide who gets to be stuck in hospitals wards and corridors.”
FESTY O’SEMTEX 3712
TENSIONS MOUNT OVER BAGPIPE THREAT
By Philly Space
In a shock escalation of tensions, the Scottish government has threatened to “send in th’ ba’pipes” to prevent Irish fishermen from fishing the waters around Rockall.
The threat to unleash a “wailing war” in the disputed waters has alarmed international observers, with UN Secretary General António Fishguterres labelling the situation “extremely worrying”.
Bagpipes attack the inner and outer ears simultaneously. They have a range of 20km, can penetrate steel and cause rapid rises in blood pressure, numbing the brain within minutes. No country has ever dared use them in battle.
In a statement yesterday, Scootland’s Minister for Mackerel and War said, “Scootlund wull uise whitevur force needed tae defen’ every las’ crab in oor waters frim fooreign bampo wid heids full o’mince! Res’ assoored we ha’ th’ lungs an’ the oxters fur a lengthy campaign. Ye ken, Jimmy?!”
One Irish trawler owner has vowed to “blast the Wolfe Tones back at them” if the bagpipes are deployed.
SINN FÉIN QUESTIONED OVER ‘DISAPPEARED’ VOTERS
Pressure was growing on Sinn Féin last night as the whereabouts of dozens of voters, who went missing without trace during its recent campaign, continued to raise questions.
Commentators now claim the number of ‘disappeared’ may be in the “tens of thousands” – many of whom left their homes on election night to vote for someone else and failed to return to SF ever since.
Beleaguered SF leader Mary Lou McDonald continues to insist that the missing voters had “nothing to with me”.
But the Dublin Central TD indicated where the missing could be found. “They’re everywhere, from all walks of life – male, female, gender fluid, transgender, white black, rich, poor. You’ll find them everywhere – except with us.”
SEÁN DUNNE’S CLOTHES BILL
ALAN SHAFTED’S – NEW BOOK
Exclusive extract from ‘Frenzy and Betrayal…’
Readers of my earlier best-selling memoir, Totally Vindicated, will know that I have always had the utmost regard for Enda Kenny, from the first moment when he showed such acute political judgement by promoting me to senior public office as Minister for Defence and Justice. Few people – even of my exceptional talent – would be capable of handling even one of these two hugely demanding ministerial positions.
His decision only confirmed the esteem in which I was held within political circles – and not just my own high opinion of myself. I always knew that I would end up in the public eye. So it was no surprise that I would soon combine a glittering political career and somehow find time to write a sensational sex-drenched bonkbuster novel – phwoarr!
In retrospect, of course, the taoiseach had recognised my razor-sharp legal expertise.
Of course, I was under the most unbearable pressure around the time of the resignation of Garda commissioner Martin Callinan in 2014. No wonder I was going to bed at night feeling so exhausted and emotionally drained.
None of today’s politicians – such as the current finance minister – should ever forget the real victim in this whole affair, ie myself.
And my illustrious record stands – GSOC scandals, penalty points, secret garda tapes, etc. Fortunately, thanks to my latest book, my reputation has been restored – and I’m the country’s smuggest politician once again.
Hotel-style adult swing. Complete with ‘easi-hold’ ropes, polished wooden seat and user pack comprising instruction manual (including braille version) safety instructions, list of solicitors specialising in personal injuries claims, a do & don’t public relations checklist – plus a free bottle of Baileys Irish Cream as a no-claims bonus. One careless user.
BANKER’S PLEA: ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN!’
An Irish Central Banker says people opposed to restoring performance bonuses in the banking sector are “effectively perpetrating the greatest abuse of children’s rights in the history of time” and are pre-empting the “mass degradation of the most innocent in society”.
Central Bank governor Philip Lane explains that many bankers are “family men with no more than three cars in the family, but with perhaps four or five children.”
He added, “The maths is easy. When these kids are old enough to drive, there aren’t enough cars to go around. The result is people still in their vulnerable teens having to walk or take a bus to appointments, while their peers and even those of a lower social grouping drive past.”
The banking boss continues, “That’s the sort of humiliating experience that leads vulnerable young people to alcoholism, drug abuse and, inevitably, car-jacking and prison sentences on the 34th conviction or so. Do we really want to present that kind of society to the world?”
Mr Lame says the only feasible solution to this “impending catastrophe” is to “restore the bonus culture by Monday morning”.
2019 LEAVING CERT EXAM PAPERS
1. Using contemporary evidence, calculate to the nearest 5,000 how many trolleys will be required for Irish hospitals in winter 2030 if Simon Harris remains Minister for Health.
2. How many miles high would Johnny Ronan have to build an Eoghan Murphy-inspired shared living space to accommodate half the homeless people in Ireland by 2025?
3. If sound waves travel 5,000 miles in 10 seconds, how many minutes will it take for a Martian to switch over from The Ray D’Arcy Show?
1. Compare and contrast the prevailing temperatures between the south polar ice cap and a meeting between Leo Varadkar and Alan Shatter.
2. List 100 places the Chinese government would rather you asked questions about than Tiananmen Square.
3. Can you name one area of her life that Vogue Williams hasn’t felt compelled to tell us about?
1. In the Gospel according to Danny Healy-Rae, how many glasses of wine made from water did Jesus allow his followers to consume before travelling home by donkey? Was it a) five; b) 25 or c) Chrisht, I’m pished but I know the road, *hic*.
2. Discuss three ways in which insurance companies are making life hell for everyone.
3. Outline three reasons why the Labour Party hasn’t got a prayer under Brendan Howlin.
NEW RECRUITS TO FIGHT GENERAL ELECTION
By our defence correspondent – Major Problem
Following the success of Maria Walsh, former Rose of Tralee and ex member of the Reserve Defence Forces (RDF), in winning a seat in Europe for Fine Gael, thousands of disgruntled members of the Irish army are threatening to pack up their tents, leave the army and fight in the next general election.
Members of the army have become disenchanted over issues such as pay and allowances, and are now looking to decamp from the firing range and enter the firing line of politics in order to survive.
“This will not be a five-star general election,” said Private Ryan. “ It will cover all ranks – sergeants, majors, captains, brigadiers, the lot! Our target is to parachute them into every constituency.”
Just this week, our reporters spotted members of the Irish army on manoeuvres at the Glen of Imaal, practising their General election canvassing drills, while singing:
I don’t know but I’ve been told,
TDs are paid their weight in gold.
We’re not running another lap,
‘Cos Irish army pay is crap.
(That’s enough silly army stories. You’re all confined to barracks – Ed.)