Category: Craic & Codology

WHO WILL SUCCEED MICHAEL O’LEARY?

Michael O’Leary

With the Ryanair boss saying he has a “50/50 chance” of retiring in 2018, speculation is mounting about his possible successor Roy Keane Has plenty of experience of managing low-cost, no-frills outfit thanks to Euro 2016 campaign, and has been enthusiastic supporter of Ryanair style of customer relations. Bono The high-flying singer and world saviour... Read more »

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“I’m so ashamed” – admits escort

John Whittingdale Scandal by Con Dumb THE sex worker at the centre of the latest Conservative Party scandal has admitted that she was “highly embarrassed” to discover that one of her regular clients was the Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale. It emerged last night that Honey Trapp had been having a secret six-month relationship with the... Read more »

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SACK THE CAPTIONIST

Those Shutterbug stock clichés Look how awfully clever I am I don’t like him / her Here’s another double entendre Irish fashion models; dontcha hate em? What about this for a very punny caption? The pen is flightier than the sword.

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DONAL SKEHAN’S SATURDAY KITCHEN MENU

Feast of sound bites Lashings of waffle Load of cod Pie in the sky Just a trifle boring!

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FRESH GARDA DEMANDS

Garda sergeants and inspectors say they are not at all happy with current deployment policies within the force. “As first responders dealing with the constant threat of radical extremism and international terrorism, the lads need to be equipped with air-to-ground missiles fired by aerial drones and low-yield nuclear weapons,” said a spokesman yesterday. Following their... Read more »

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New AGSI uproar

Hens across the country have reacted angrily to remarks by an unidentified senior garda that the force would be reduced to responding “like headless chickens” in the event of a terrorist attack. Visibly perturbed, a free range Rhode Island Red in Wexford says she is, “sick and tired of having my brood associated with the... Read more »

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Panama Papers – Cameron speaks out

David Cameron

“As you know, I have been widely applauded for releasing details of my tax returns and have now proven beyond doubt that I have nothing at all to worry about as regards my finances. Personally, I feel very lucky to have had a supportive family that taught me to appreciate the important things in life,... Read more »

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BONO UPDATE

AMY SCHUMER and Sacha Baron Cohen have volunteered Bono to go to Syria to fight Isis. Last week the U2 frontman suggested to a US Senate sub-committee that the best way to combat radical Islam is to laugh at them and suggested that the two comedians be sent over to split their sides. However, Schumer... Read more »

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More pleading letters from Irish children, shock!

In revelations that have surprised commentators on both sides of the Irish Sea, it has emerged that Queen Elizabeth II has replied to thousands of letters from Irish children asking her to take back the 26 counties. Confirming the news, a spokesman for Buckingham Palace says, “Her Majesty receives hundreds of such letters every day... Read more »

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Dear Brendan…

1st April 2016 Dear Brendan, The Queen has asked me to thank you for your recent letter in which you wished to tell Her Majesty that you have been studying the rules of the Irish Labour Party and would like The Queen to arrange a coronation for you as leader. While it was thoughtful of... Read more »

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JOAN BURTON’S BODY LANGUAGE

1. Head in clouds 2. Nose the game is up 3. Cheek (plenty of) 4. Brass neck 5. Ears open to overtures from Fine Gael 6. Watching back for leadership challenges 7. Keeping an eye on Brendan Howlin, Alan Kelly etc 8. Two fingers to media critics

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APOLOGY – KATIE TAYLOR

In common with all other publications, we may have given the impression that Katie Taylor was an unbeatable athlete whose like had not previously been seen on Earth. Headlines such as “Champ Katie Smashes Opposition”, “Heroic Taylor Continues Winning Streak” and “Katie Taylor Is Unbeatable” may have reinforced this view. However, following Ms Taylor’s historic... Read more »

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Kenny denies being in denial

Acting Taoiseach Endless Kenny has denied being in denial over the result of the recent general election. “We won,” he announced emphatically. “A woman I met in Castlebar the other day with a ballot box under one arm and Michael Ring in a headlock under the other arm, told me I should keep having general... Read more »

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KEY ISSUES AGREED

NEW MINORITY GOVERNMENT Enda Micheál 1 The old Civil War politics to be ended 2 Guarantee of stable government for immediate future 3 Renewed and urgent focus on tackling country’s major problems 4 Partnership approach in the national interest 5 Fine Gael to emerge as biggest party next time 6 We’ll just have to put... Read more »

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Parties agree framework for further confusion

In a major breakthrough in the current political impasse, parties from all sides last night reached agreement on a programme that will prolong the confusion for several more weeks. “This document offers a clear path out of the present logjam and into another one,” commented one Independent, who early yesterday offered his definitive support for... Read more »

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Fine Gael and Fianna Fail join forces to agree on historic new term

By our political correspondent Dick Shunairy The country’s two largest political parties yesterday agreed on a historic new term. After three weeks of intensive talks, and following the demise of the term “fiscal space”, the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael negotiating teams have agreed that this new term – “fresh modalities” – should last another... Read more »

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ALL PURPOSE SEANAD CANDIDATE SPEECH

“I have always been passionate about the upper chamber, ever since I lost my seat in the election. It makes a vital contribution to our democratic process and provides a handy gig for washed up politicians. “I would implore you to give me your vote as I have plenty to offer in political debate, and... Read more »

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Trump supports O’Neill

American Presidential candidate Donald Trump says he “fully endorses” Ireland boss Martin O’Neill’s assertion that only “really attractive” WAGS will be allowed access to his squad’s hotel during Euro 2016 in France. “It’s about time someone spoke out about women in an open, honest and enlightened way, and this guy O’Neill sounds like a wise... Read more »

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EUROVISION SHOCK

RTE have confirmed that 2FM boss Dan Healy is to undergo ear surgery “as soon as possible.” The station chief claimed that other radio stations were not playing Nicky Byrne’s Eurovision-bound song ‘Sunlight’ because the singer is a disc jockey with the national broadcaster. A spokesman said: “Yeah, we don’t think it’s too serious but... Read more »

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Unprecedented apocalypse if Irish Water abolished

By Cath O’Strophic Heaven, Hell and the Celtic gods of yore will rain down tongues of fire, unleash giant rats onto the streets and convert the seas to acid if Irish Water is abolished, according to legal opinion supplied to the beleaguered water agency. “And that’s just day one – expect plague, earthquakes and the... Read more »

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PREMIERSHIP LATEST

MEMBERS OF the UK football media are questioning their very existence after failing to break the spirits of Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp. The German took over at Anfield last October – a whopping six months ago – and is still in good form, even being seen laughing and joking at press conferences. “It makes you... Read more »

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NEW OLYMPIC CONTROVERSY

AER LINGUS have revealed the real reason that Arthur Lanigan-O’Keefe was thrown off a domestic flight. The Olympic hopeful, who competes in the modern pentathlon, was removed from a flight on his way to a competition. The airline said: “We saw the doubled-barrelled name and one of the flight crew got suspicious. We checked out... Read more »

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RESTAURANT REVIEW

By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain Shattiér is at once both simple and pretentious with more... Read more »

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CRIME STATS LATEST

Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More of them need to resign to stop people feeling murderous,”... Read more »

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McShane Euro fears

MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is now a doubt to make the squad for the summer... Read more »

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Zuma shock

By Joe Hannesburg Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements to his house. The property included a luxurious house and... Read more »

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Teachers strike warning

by Our Education Staff – Will Phail Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI). “It now looks as though we will have no alternative but to take industrial action over the coming months,” warned 26-year-old... Read more »

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DEFENCELESS SOLDIERS BLINDSIDED

One of the Irish Volunteers

1916 Souvenir Edition ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of violence were visible near the Irish Times offices, with one... Read more »

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Entire party throws hat in ring

Labour Election Latest Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title “Labour Leader”. They include: • Brendan Howling, 69, the dark... Read more »

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Miriam Lord’s Weak

Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks off? At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have one... Read more »

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APPEAL FOR MISSING MAN

An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on an RTÉ bulletin at 8am commenting about something or other.... Read more »

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Every school to have own liquor licence

Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.” The commitment comes after the Fine Gael leader promised fast speed... Read more »

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General election analysis – where did it all go wrong?

by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager anticipation about constitutional reform and a power-sharing arrangement between FF... Read more »

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WB YEATS ON SIR KNOB: “IMBECILE”

WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have taken up poetry if I knew an imbecile like Bob... Read more »

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“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman

Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence. Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the... Read more »

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New Adams uproar

Gerry Adams

Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event. Soon after the Louth TD landed in the States last week, an explosive... Read more »

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