Category: Craic & Codology

Carruthers set for shock call-up!

MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham. The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own... Read more »

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“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists

Phoenix BW

by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties. “Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people... Read more »

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In Memory of Paul Daniels

Phoenix BW

Farewell then, Paul Daniels I half liked your deception But not a lot As you used to say But this is an exception So well done, fair play No smoke and mirrors as once feared This time you really have Disappeared TV LISTINGS 24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients... Read more »

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Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree... Read more »

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Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell

Daniella Moyles

It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and... Read more »

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Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour

Phoenix BW

POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe. While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law. Without the new... Read more »

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LUAS LATEST

Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue. A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains. A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have... Read more »

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Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries

Phoenix BW

Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged! Caller: Too feckin’ right I have! JD: Do you know who did it to you? Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths! JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with… Caller: Everything.... Read more »

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Rising celebrations celebrated

Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities

As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.) Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster a firework between them, let alone a weekend of throat-rattling... Read more »

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FIANNA FAIL UPDATE

FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”. The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are adamant they are the best party to lead the new... Read more »

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That updated Student Proclamation

“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have... Read more »

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THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE

On Podium outside GPO (Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks) President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys 1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat 2nd... Read more »

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Should Enda Kenny get involved in politics?

THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government. “While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member... Read more »

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Danny Healy Rae playlist

Smells Like Irish Water Money Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water) Uptown Pipe Repairs He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)  

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New government expected by 2050

A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week. The latest offering from FG... Read more »

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St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”

Phoenix BW

By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land. “All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on... Read more »

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Parochial party guests call for tolerance

Phoenix BW

Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities. “Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged... Read more »

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TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS

Donald Trump

US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States. Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan –... Read more »

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Twink in burglary crisis

Twink

Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell at the moment. The softly spoken actress is outraged that... Read more »

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Irish rugby on a knife-edge

As Ireland prepare for crucial matches against Italy and Scotland, this handy all-purpose commentary piece gives readers the chance to adapt to all eventualities by simply deleting as applicable… Rugby fans throughout the country have only one word to describe the heroic/abysmal performance of the Irish lads on Saturday: Brilliant/Shambolic. Coach Joe Schmidt should hold... Read more »

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SLAB’S PRISON DIARY

MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The... Read more »

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Renua “to regroup”

IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”. Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband, Senator Paul Bradford) that it was now time to take... Read more »

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SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST

Money’s Too Tight To Mention I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt) All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro Money (That’s What I Want) All Out Of Love – And Cash Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den

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State funeral for Labour party

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which were warmly welcomed as an appropriate tribute to the late... Read more »

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GANGLAND UPDATE

By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had earlier been seen walking the streets of the country and... Read more »

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YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS

KATE O’CONNELL Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.     LISA CHAMBERS Securing a seat in Mayo, Chambers campaigned for a fairer... Read more »

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That proposed FG-FF programme for government

As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest. This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating growth and maintaining stability. Our radical Programme for Government will... Read more »

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Rotating Taoiseach mooted

By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen. “Martin and Kenny will get half-an-hour each... Read more »

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THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS

Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber Leave our shoes in the hallway after you’ve finished the polishing, Baldy... Read more »

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Irish Water latest

Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe. “Things were tipping along fine up to the election, so we’re... Read more »

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Is there too much endless speculation about the government?

by All Hacks ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor. Whether or not I can come up with a new angle, of course, is the real question. This latest... Read more »

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McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION

UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government, but the controversial star has said there is no substance... Read more »

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SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER

Phoenix BW

JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far. He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m 110% fine. My memory is perfect. The knocks I took... Read more »

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Croker to host GAA match shock

There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the summer, but a spokesman for the association insisted that the... Read more »

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D’ARCY IN EUROVISION UPROAR

MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on. D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his show, but a Nicholson impersonator appeared instead. So when Byrne... Read more »

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Gardaí to throw ‘full force of the alphabet’ at criminals, vows Commissioner

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room before appearing on a major news bulletin!” assured the top... Read more »

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