Category: Craic & Codology

Papal Bull(ETIN)

Bienvenida, amigos. What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature woman of the opposite sex. So much for the myth... Read more »

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CLARIFICATION

In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such as, “Schmidt’s Titans to Triumph” and “Super Schmidtonians to Rewrite... Read more »

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HEALTH MATTERS

This week Dr Will Squander of Transfusion Positive de-livers his professional opinion People often call me urgently and say, ‘Doctor, I am feeling unwell, what’s the latest news on treatment for hepatitis?’ I always recommend we meet by the pool to discuss the matter over a nice chardonnay. Say about noon just after I have... Read more »

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Croker to host GAA match shock

There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the summer, but a spokesman for the association insisted that the... Read more »

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GANGLAND WHO’S WHO

MIKE SCUMBAG Suave mafia godfather whose crime empire is believed to comprise Russia, Mexico and the entire continent of Africa. Though based on the Continent, Scumbag regularly flies home to Dublin to attend funerals. Going under the nickname The Llama, his hobbies include relaxing with Colombian drug lords and blowing away gangland rivals.    ... Read more »

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SEAN DUNNE HOUSE SALE

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Thieves shaken after brush with Vlad

THIEVES WHO almost ran into Leo Varadkar as he canvassed for votes in Castleknock say they are “relieved no-one was hurt” in the incident. The robbers were exiting a local shop when they had their lucky escape. One member of the gang explained: “We had just finished our business and were making good our escape.... Read more »

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CALLS FOR EARLY BEATIFICATION OF CLAIRE BYRNE

Pressure was increasing on Pope Francis last night to fast-track the canonisation of RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne. The calls come after the adored broadcaster miraculously kept Irish television viewers tuned into an RTÉ political debate for 90 minutes. Such was the powerful force of the transmission that many viewers have had their lives altered forever.... Read more »

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Creighton pledge – “Prison for all”

by Our Crime Staff Phil Cells Lucinda Creighton has again called for the imprisonment of everyone in the country for an indefinite period. The Renua leader has focused on crime throughout the election campaign. “The only way to make the streets of our cities safe is to have nobody on them,” Ms Creighton told reporters.... Read more »

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JOAN BURTON’S HANDS

  1) Thumbing nose at socialism 2) Pointing out everyone else’s mistakes 3) Middle finger to Eamon Gilmore 4) Finger not lifted to help Alan Kelly 5) Finger used for pointing out water protestors 6) Thumbs up to Enda Kenny 7) Wagging finger at Sinn Féin 8) Finger switching remote control to Downton Abbey 9)... Read more »

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Just how long can it survive?

by Our Political Staff Hugh Cares As the fall-out from this week’s election continues, there is still no clear answer to the question that every political pundit is now asking. How long can this piece about the make-up of the next government keep going? Almost nothing has changed since yesterday when I wrote at length... Read more »

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Taoiseach spells it out

By our Political Corr –  Phil Space FOLLOWING MONTHS of uncertainty during which Enda Kenny has repeatedly insisted that he would not go into government with Fianna Fáil under any circumstances, the Fine Gael leader finally came off the fence yesterday and said that he would not enter into coalition with Fianna Fáil. However, the... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON (Contd.)

n The party: Thing people hold when last of the candidates has departed a constituent’s doorstep. n First preference: To jump under a bus rather than shake that gobshite’s hand! Poll: Speculative form of filler much loved by desperate news editors. Mudslinging: Inevitable result when a candidate enters a farmyard during a busy period. Frontrunner: Candidate leaving... Read more »

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APOLOGY – FIANNA FÁIL

Phoenix BW

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent years have given the impression that Fianna Fáil were a hopelessly washed up political outfit. Headlines such “Biffo And Co. Destroy Country” and “Fianna Failures Facing Total Annihilation” may have led some readers to believe that we felt the party were headed towards oblivion. However,... Read more »

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FG to go into coalition with Fine Gael

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins In an unexpected move that has shocked many political observers, the Fine Gael party yesterday announced plans to enter into a coalition arrangement with Fine Gael. “We have a very proud history of forming successful governments with other political groupings,” Enda Kenny told reporters, “and I now feel that the time... Read more »

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“Brexit shambles a great success” – Cameron

David Cameron

“…Yes, it’s an excellent result for Britain as well as the entire EU – and it’s all thanks primarily to the hard work of myself burning the midnight oil at both ends to completely transform Europe for everyone’s benefit (except for child allowances to foreign workers, of course). “You must understand that the key to... Read more »

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Enda ‘didn’t know there was an election’, shock!

Enda Kenny

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has again rejected claims that he deliberately dodged appearing on RTE’s 6pm on the day he dissolved the Dáil, stating that “didn’t know there was an election on.” The Fine Gael leader insisted he had “no problem discussing anything in a public forum”, but that “this election business” caught him “completely offguard”.... Read more »

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Kenny “will be involved in campaign”

Enda Kenny

by Our Political Staff – Mark O’Really Fine Gael strategists have angered some of the party’s TDs by confirming that Enda Kenny will continue to have a role in the election campaign. Party sources have said that Mr Kenny’s prominence in the election will be strictly controlled because of growing concern over his media performances and... Read more »

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Party Facebook Roundup

     

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New Releases

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RTÉ CLARIFY

Miriam O’Callaghan

RTÉ have clarified that their broadcasts on February 26 will feature coverage of the election as well as Miriam O’Callaghan. Speculation has grown that the election day output would consist solely of material based around the wildly popular mum of 43, but an RTÉ spokesman has emphatically denied the suggestion. “Obviously we’re talking about an... Read more »

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Gerry Adams’ Valentine’s Message to Micheál Martin

With your balding head and Corky smile We are like chalk and cheese But if mandating is your thing I’m up for giving us a fling So Marty, call me please

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Fear grips country as early polls predict a government will emerge!

A deep sense of increasing fear was rapidly spreading ac to power. “I’m petrified they won’t hold the lead and those Fianna Fáil b**tards will somehow sneak in,” said one Blueshirt supporter in Mayo. “I’m really scared the poll will prove accurate and the blue-short feckers will return,” fretted a badly shaken chef in Dublin.... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON

Cabinet: Thing you hide behind when a candidate comes round to the back door determined to see if you really are not at home. Constituent: Member of society known to harbour strong emotions of anger, disillusionment, cynicism and revenge. Candidate: Much smaller section of the population known to harbour strong sentiments of grandeur, egotism, vanity... Read more »

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Demoralised Sinn Féin struggle to top poll

Gerry Adams

With the election just weeks away, discredited Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has very good reason to be dejected this weekend. The humiliated boss of his minority republican party seems certain to lead his team of losers to their best ever election result, according to the latest Sunday Independent poll from noshinners.gov. With a mere... Read more »

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POLL OF POLL OF POLLS UPDATE

Compiled by Our Political Staff – Phil Inname    % of newspaper headlines taken up with election polls    % of pointless bar charts, graphs, diagrams stats, etc. on front pages    % of inside pages filled with other worthless graphics    % of readers who are not remotely interested    % of people who... Read more »

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ENDA’S ELECTION HITS

The Boss pays tribute to dead music stars on a special GE2016 record The Eagles – Hell Freezes Over (duet with Micheál Martin) The Eagles – One Of These Nights (with Martin Callinan) David Bowie – Rebel Rebel (with Lucinda Creighton) David Bowie – Changes (with Joan Burton) Motörhead – The Chase Is Better Than... Read more »

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Election Poster Roundup

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AK47 SHOCK!

Labour have come under intense pressure to decommission Alan Kelly after the environment minister’s latest bizarre outburst. During a live interview on RTÉ television, Kelly declared that the time had come for him to “realise his destiny” and “lead mankind into the new Age of Aquarius”. However, a Labour spokesman denied that Kelly had become... Read more »

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A MESSAGE FROM ENDA KENNY

The general election is now in full swing and I know how much you’re all enjoying it. While the country has benefited from an economic upswing of late, it’s important not to forget the most vulnerable in our society – and rest assured, we are doing everything in our power to keep Alan Kelly away... Read more »

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2016 Six Nations lexicon

Four-year cycle – Build up to World Cup disaster in 2019 Lions selection – Deciding who goes to New Zealand to get hammered by the All Blacks 22 – Number of fans left at Leinster games XV – Number of fans left at Munster games Captain’s Run – Rory Best comes off injured again

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MARY HANAFIN UNCOVERED

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Refugee Update

Phoenix BW

WITH THE news that only 20 asylum seekers from 160,000 applied to live in Ireland, people are asking – what’s wrong with those 20 people? “They must be weirdoes,” said one commentator. “Why anyone would choose to come here is a mystery, they must be hiding something. I mean have they read anything about what’s... Read more »

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THOSE IRISH OSCAR NOMINATIONS

Best Disaster Movie Actress: Joan Burton for The Polls Best Tragicomic Lead: Leo Varadkar for Health Watch Best Ignored Performance: Leinster Rugby team for Turning Up Greatest Animation Film: Teresa Mannion for Stay Indoors Best Keep Silent Movie Director: Denis O’Brien for The Letters Greatest Grovelling Performance: Michael Noonan for Greeting Donald Best Forgotten: Nicky... Read more »

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Putin pins blame on Steven Avery

RUSSIAN POLICE have made contact with the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department as they investigate the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006. The ex-KGB agent was poisoned and an inquiry in England found that Russian president Vladimir Putin ‘probably’ approved the assassination. But having watched Making A Murderer, Russian police think that Manitowoc law... Read more »

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