Category: Craic & Codology

CHRISTMAS MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS

Return to the Jungle of the Apes Leo Varadkar plays Tarzan in this classic remake of a seasonal movie favourite. Includes unforgettable spectacular outdoor sequence when all the creepy-crawly friends furiously climb the greasy pole. Co-starring a feisty Frances Fitzgerald as Jane and Simon Coveney as Cheetah. Psycho IV Latest re-make of Hitchcock’s horror masterpiece.... Read more »

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That historic climate change agreement

Phoenix BW

50% increase in hot air from Barack Obama 10 degree rise in temperature amongst environmentalists 100 percent increase in politicians patting themselves on the back 70 percent increase in corporations looking for loopholes in restrictions Enda Kenny and Irish cabinet to maintain current rate of noxious emissions

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RTÉ CHRISTMAS TV

Christmas Eve Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Eve Special Carols from the Áras with Mrs Brown and Panti Bliss Strictly Come Mrs Brown Semi Finals Christmas Day Mrs Brown’s Toys Christmas Day Special The Mrs Brown Xmas Factor Mrs Brown’s Buoys (flood crisis documentary) New Year’s Day Mrs Brown’s New Year’s Day Special (Repeat) The Great... Read more »

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US Airforce on ‘high alert’ as Wallace and Daly released

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins American defence officials say its airforce has been placed on “level 10 red alert” following news that Wexford TD Mick Wallace has been released from prison. “We are taking no chances”, says Senior Air Command Officer Larry Sodaguzzler. “This crazed, pink-shirted hippy and his partner in crime could strike again. They... Read more »

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New Trump outrage

by Our Political Corr, Phil Column Having run out of minorities to attack, Donald Trump has called on his own supporters to be deported. At a rally where the Republican candidate stood amidst hundreds of his own fans, he shouted that in order to “make America great again” everyone would have to go. The unusual... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor

Reilly: innovative

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000) Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK) Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap Garda Inspectorate report Sir, – As a Garda Síochána desk staffer of 28 years stan… er, sitting, I am extremely concerned about the latest Garda Inspectorate report, which states... Read more »

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Enda Kenny’s comments “unacceptable” – Trump

Donald Trump

by Our Political Staff – Martin Wail US REPUBLICAN presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that recent remarks made by Taoiseach Enda Kenny are “totally unacceptable”. Mr Trump was responding to a speech given by the outspoken Fine Gael leader in which he suggested that all left-wing TDs should be banned from re-entering politics after next... Read more »

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ACTION MAN JEFFREY

ACTION MAN JEFFREY

Add this sensational new action figure to your collection – and enjoy hours of nuclear deterrent fun! Prominent unionist MP and have-a-go hero Jeffrey is ready and willing to protect Europe’s interest – even if it means starting World War 3. Comes complete with: Creepy soft-spoken voice Boyish Daniel O’Donnell grin Trident missiles Watch Jeffrey... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor

After Peter Robinson Sir, – Peter Robinson’s brave decision to step down as First Minister before he was forced to do so typifies the qualities which have made him one of Northern Ireland’s most outstanding politicians. For over three decades, he has distinguished himself, not just as Dr Ian Paisley’s long-serving deputy but as the... Read more »

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FEARS GROW OF ANOTHER ‘INTEL’

Security forces say Ireland is under a growing threat of more bomb hoaxes as more and more people find jobs they don’t like. “The Intel incident was just the tip of the iceberg”, says one senior security expert. “There is massive discontent out there, especially with early starters. We’re seeing dozens of young men cancelling... Read more »

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No new Donald Trump gaffe shock

Donald Trump

by Our Political Staff Henry McGoo  The American political scene was rocked today following a 24-hour period during which Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump did not insult any minorities on television. Throughout that time, there were no reports of Mr Trump mocking disabled journalists or making racist remarks about Mexican immigrants being drug-crazed criminals and... Read more »

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Farmers linked to animal cruelty shock!

Farmers outside IFA HQ last night

Animal welfare officials have called for stiffer penalties for animal cruelty after two farmers were reportedly seen riding on a pig’s back for several years. Sources have named the men as Eddie Downey and Pat Smith, and say they “travelled the country” on the animal’s back. Both are described as being “heavyweights” in their fields.... Read more »

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Government concerned by homeless problem

THE GOVERNMENT has appealed for Dublin’s homeless community to bed down a little further from the Dail this Christmas. Last year there was public outrage when a man sleeping rough died just yards from the centre of Ireland’s parliament, an incident which forced Taoiseach Enda Kenny to take to the streets to meet homeless people.... Read more »

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IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?

The Pope’s new modernised look

POPE FRANCIS has been hailed by Church moderates after handing out free condoms at a huge Mass celebration in Kenya. Before his first trip to Africa, God’s main man on earth told journalists he would offer “spiritual and material” support to Kenya, Uganda and the war-torn Central African Republic. Little did the faithful know that... Read more »

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Leinster apologise

Leinster apologise

LEINSTER RUGBY have apologised to season-ticket holders and offered a full refund. Many fans of the 12-County Army are distraught after their Champions Cup hopes were smashed by two defeats in two games. Even the return of injury-prone Johnny Sexton from France couldn’t help the Blues. A Leinster spokesman said: “It’s only fair that we... Read more »

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GAA UPDATE

GAA UPDATE

THE GAA has been praised after successfully passing the baton of wanton violence from International Rules football to Super 11s hurling. The compromise game seemed to be on its deathbed after both Ireland and Australia decided to play in a sporting manner, focus on catching and kicking skills and not batter each other. Many fans... Read more »

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KEANO’S GUIDE TO FRANCE 2016

Roy Keane

1. FRANCE Look, it’s France. The lads don’t fancy it. Never have. A real lack of desire among the French. Poor defensively. Maginot Line. Lacking in the basic areas of the game. Forget France. Head to Germany and watch the games from there. 2. THE FOOD I don’t rate it as a cuisine, I don’t... Read more »

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PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE

    PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE AGENDA     Wave hands about Blame Russia Shout at China Something about polar bears Don’t mention the aviation industry Have a go at India Promise to reduce something or other by 2040 Is that the time already? Menu please I’ll have the rare rhinoceros tongue before it get extinct,... Read more »

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PHOTO-OP OF THE WEEK

Attention seeking exhibitionist (centre) appears in St. Stephen’s Green

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Banking Inquiry latest

By Our Financial Staff Phil Pockets Members of the Banking Inquiry yesterday agreed a plan for publishing the panel’s report sometime before 2070. A special finalisation team has been appointed and is already in the process of reducing its initial 750-page report. “We have it down to about 500 words,” said one member of the... Read more »

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Delaney offers to do IFA job

John Delaney has confirmed that he has offered to take on the role of general secretary of the IFA. It is understood that he phoned in his offer at 4 o’clock in the morning on Thursday of last week, while an emergency meeting of the IFA was concluding its marathon session. “Yes, it’s true,” confirmed... Read more »

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NEW SHAM MARRIAGE CRACKDOWN

GARDAI HAVE made a number of arrests in Dublin as part of a crackdown on sham marriages. Over 12 Fine Gael and Labour TDs were taken into custody last week accused of entering into a fake relationship with each other in order to stay in charge of the country. Suspicions arose when members of both... Read more »

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FG reach consensus on right to reelection

By Our Entire Staff Following a stormy meeting of the parliamentary party, Fine Gael TDs have reached broad agreement on their right to be reelected. “They locked James Reilly in a closet and got on with discussing the Eighth Amendment,” revealed a source. “There was a consensus reached that something needs to be done to... Read more »

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NEW CENTRES FOR PUBLICITY ADDICTS

Aodhán Ó Geardáin

Minister Aodhán Ó Geardáin has announced innovative new measures aimed at providing more effective treatment for politicians addicted to publicity. Under the new guidelines, ministers will receive controlled doses of PR under strict supervision at approved centres around the country. “We need to end scenarios where washed to individuals like Eamoan Gilbore is forced to... Read more »

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More Gilmore book extracts

Eamon Gilmore

It was just another routine day of saving the country when the Taoiseach rang. I was surprised he had my phone number. “Eamon – you might remember me,” he said. “There’s been some stuff happening with Callinan. It took place a fortnight ago and I thought you should be kept abreast of the latest developments.”... Read more »

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Army to be used to prevent withdrawals

Enda Kenny

In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election. “I know this from speaking to a man I met on the main street in Castlebar recently,” commented Mr.... Read more »

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RYANAIR MR NICE GUY TO APPEAR ON STRICTLY COME DANCING

Michael O'Leary

Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news. De Loverly told Take A Break magazine, “I’ve always wanted to be on Strictly and... Read more »

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Brooklyn Movie – The Revenge Of Tóibín

Brooklyn Movie The Revenge Of Tóibín

In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs. Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my next outing Brooklyn – The Monster Returns, Leaves and Returns... Read more »

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Who will replace Billy Walsh?

Boxing

by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show. LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles – though may find amateur boxing slightly tame compared to Fine... Read more »

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NEXT WEEK’S BESTSELLERS

Phoenix BW

1. Old Stories Of the Rising (Vol 1) by Joe Duffy (Old Rope Press) 2. Callers To Liveline Edited by J. Duffy (Recycled Books) 3. Joe Duffy’s Book Of Traditional 1916 Xmas Recipes (Guff House) 4. Rashers Tierney and Me: The Untold Story by Joe Duffer (Nostalgia Publications) 5. The A-Z Of 1916 Bandwagon Spin-Offs... Read more »

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Danger of red meat scare stories

Phoenix BW

by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you ill and shorten your life by “up to 20 years”.... Read more »

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“Lefty parties can’t be trusted,” warn Labour

Phoenix BW

The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they... Read more »

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Burton latest

Joan Burton

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course. “Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at…... Read more »

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Letters to the Editor

letters to editor

Latest Syrian talks Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria. If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by... Read more »

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Pleb Summit Discussion Panels

Cosgrave: self-effacing

The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives Why Isn’t The Wifi Working? Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry? How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced By The Taxman? Which Pub Will We Head To? Moaning... Read more »

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