Humble greetings from your liberal-style modernist Supreme Pontiff in papal HQ. Spring has sprung and Vatican-style love is in the air. But what sadness to see those sexsational Irish Times reports about those young seminarian students. How could they not know about the nightmare of finding accommodation in Rome? I’ve heard the Irish Times has lost touch with Rome since it let that nice Agnew fella go.
Meantime, the Irish referendum result has given us all good reason to celebrate. The tiny number of sadly misguided and self-confessed Yes supporters who are plotting day and night to introduce obligatory drive-by abortion outlets scraped together a mere 1,429,981 votes. What a gross embarrassment.
Just compare these minuscule numbers with the overwhelming showing of all those multitudes of righteous Catholic – an amazing 723,632 votes. Time to crack open the Vat 69 if I’m not mistaken, eh?
Right now, your Jolliness is preparing for my historic pro-tolerance trip to Ireland to reach out to sinners. Maybe I will squeeze in a visit to Armagh. For me, this should be very educational. Up until this time, I have only ever read about Purgatory.
Uh-uh! Got to get packing! Ciao!
What Stresses Us Out?
These are the shocking findings from RTÉ’s two-part series Stressed:
Stress Levels: An alarming 78% of respondents experienced a severe rise in stress levels whenever Bertie Ahern mentioned the presidency, compared to only 76% on hearing Miriam O’Callaghan do so.
Sleep Quality: A staggering 98% suffered sleep loss when given an assurance by the HSE that all was well. Nine out of 10 participants said the Ray D’Arcy show reduced stress by helping them to catch up on sleep.
Fatigue Levels: 67% of respondents said there was nothing more tiring than booking a Ryanair flight; the reminder found Eir’s customer service more exhausting.
REVIEW: A VERY IRISH SCANDAL
TO THE general public Martin Callinan (played by Tom Selleck’s moustache) was just another typically busy leader – married, respectable and a dedicated public servant.
But this intriguing BBC programme reveals the realities, the rumours and the sometimes farcical fantasies in Martin’s everyday life.
Intriguingly we learn how much this high profile public servant regularly kept company with other men who, like himself, would dress in uniform.
“Back then, what some of these guys got up to would have been very much frowned on by society,” says one critic. “Things like arsing around with penalty points, massaging breathalyser figures – that sort of thing. It could have ended Martin’s career immediately if word go out that he was fraternising with them.”
Martin’s downfall eventually came about when he got involved with a man called Maurice. Many have claimed Martin became worried that Maurice would reveal all and employed others to murder his reputation. The whole thing ended in a farcical dog’s dinner fashion and Martin eventually resigned.
Favourite film: Shoot To Kill
Favourite TV show: Trigger Happy TV
Favourite song: 21 Guns, Greenday
Favourite musical: Bullets Over Broadway
Favourite magazine: Shoot
Favourite ice cream: Magnum
Favourite soccer team: The Gunners
Favourite politician: Ciarán Cannon
Favourite animal: Colt
Favourite hobby: Sabre-rattling
SWITCHED AT BIRTH
Johnny Fiama (Muppet)
Luigi Di Maio (Italian politician)
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
It’s a big day at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General, as after months of preparation by a multi-disciplinary team of surgeons led by Dr Varadkar, the operation to remove Bunreacht na hÉireann’s 8th Amendment is finally under way.
Varadkar: How’s the patient doing, Nurse Zappone?
Zappone (reading her smartphone): 44% yes, 32% no, according to the final poll. That still leaves an extraordinary 24% undecided.
Varadkar: Well, it’s a painful issue.
Bunreacht na hÉireann: Aaargh!
Varadkar: Speaking of which, looks like you better top up that anaesthetic.
Meehawl Martin (feeling his lower spine area and wincing): Can I have some too? My backbenchers are giving me grief again.
Mattie McGrath: You needn’t be looking for a spine, Meehole – you don’t have one.
Varadkar: Who let him in here? He’s not even sterilised.
Mary Lou McDonald (waving surgical tweezers): I’ll sterilise him with these.
Varadkar: Now now, Mary Lou. We’ll have no punishment attacks in here. Orderlies! Get this man out.
(The orderlies bundle McGrath out the door; another familiar face peers in)
Rónán Mullen: Hello all – just doing my pastoral rounds. Would now be a good time to speak to the patient?
Varadkar: No it wouldn’t, Father Mullen. He’s busy.
Mullen: I’ll come back after mass, shall I?
Varadkar: Yes do. Make it a Tridentine mass – we’ll be finished then. How’s the anaesthetic doing, nurse?
Zappone: He’s well under.
Varadkar: All right, folks. I’m going in.
John Concannon: Wait. You’re forgetting the most important thing.
Varadkar: Oh yes, of course – the operation-day photograph of me about to cast my scalpel. (He smiles for the cameras, plunges knife into patient).
Bunreacht na hÉireann: Aaargh!
The same operating theatre, later.
Varadkar (stretching): Gosh, this is tiring work. Could you take over for a while, Dr Harris?
Simon Harris: Of course. How’s Mr Bunreacht looking now, matron?
Ailbhe Smyth: Not bad, considering he used to be such a male chauvinist pig.
Harris: I mean, how’s he doing for pain relief?
Smyth: We’ve already given him more than he deserves.
Harris: Well, he’s from an older generation, remember. They weren’t as enlightened as us.
Smyth: True. By the way, doctor, can I just say how wonderful you were on television the other night, debating with those religious loonies who oppose the operation?
Harris: Thanks, matron. But I was just doing my job.
Smyth: Well you did it brilliantly. You’re a hero to women now.
Harris: Gosh. I don’t know what to say.
Kate O’Connell: She’s right, Simon. You were wonderful on TV. We loved your sarcastic eye-roll – it went viral, you know. Do it for us again.
Harris: Oh now, Nurse O’Connell!
O’Connell: Oh go on! Please.
Harris: Well, OK. (He pauses the scalpel and performs eye-roll. Several nurses faint).
Varadkar (angrily): That’s quite enough of that, Simon. Give me back that scalpel.
Harris: But I’m nearly finished.
Varadkar: This is my operation – I’ll finish it.
Harris: As you wish, doctor.
Varadkar (Still in huff): When I asked you to take over, I didn’t mean my job.
A hospital corridor, next day. Doctors Varadkar and Harris walk and talk.
Varadkar: Sorry for snapping yesterday.
Harris: Don’t worry. We’ve all been under a lot of pressure lately.
Varadkar: Yes. There was so much riding on this. It could have destroyed the hospital if we’d got it wrong.
Harris: You’ve heard about Ganley threatening to withdraw sponsorship?
Varadkar: Yes – he says he’s a conscientious objector. But I think we can work something out. Maybe if we name a suitable ward of the hospital after him, he could channel his funds into that.
Harris: Good idea. The Ulster ward, for example. That’s mostly psychiatric patients now – he’d have no conscience issues there.
Varadkar: Speak of the devil – here’s Matron Foster. Good morning Matron.
Foster (passing with barely a glance): Ulster still says no!
Harris: That was a bit frosty. Anyway, here’s my ward.
Varadkar: Ah yes. Where I cut my own teeth as a doctor. It used to be called “Angola”, you know. Because of all the hidden mines, waiting to explode.
Harris: It’s still considered the death knell of a doctor’s career.
Varadkar: Whereas your career seems to be thriving, Simon. If anything, you’re almost too successful.
Harris: I hope you’re not thinking of another reshuffle?
Varadkar: Maybe I am. How would you like to go to actual Angola, Simon? I hear the Red Cross are looking for someone.
Harris: But Charlie Flanagan is there already, as you know.
Varadkar: I could bring him back. He has valuable experience I could use here. Also, crucially, he doesn’t have as much hair as you do, or look as good on television.
Harris: If I promise to keep a low profile for a while, can I stay?
Varadkar: That might help, alright. Now get back to work.
Boris: What ho!
Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t
Hullo! Bozza here, your tousle-haired hero! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making out of this bally Foreign Office business. Been busy flying around the entire globe for the past week – but in a dreary military-style aircraft designed for working class oiks.
It was all bit tiresome – especially when you have to go glad-handing with Johnny Gaucho and his greasy chums in Argentina and similar sweltering hotspots. Phew!
Speaking of backwoods types, our new DUP colleagues have certainly made their mark since imposing direct rule on Westminster. Arlene has even affirmed that loyalism is totally inclusive and open-minded unlike those narrow-minded Irish nationalists. So who says she’s a po-faced dinosaur who doesn’t have a madcap sense of humour, what? Certainly not Bojo.
If only the same could be said for all those shifty Russian oligarch chaps who are constantly up to no good. Coming over here and undermining Mrs Mayhem just because she’s completely hopeless. Not that Bozza believes now is the time for a leadership challenge – at least not for a week two week. Can’t wait! Cripes!
INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE SINKHOLE
POSSIBLE CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR STEPHEN RAE
- Daniel O’Donnell lookalike
- 2019 Eurovision contestant
- Offaly football manager
- Backing singer for Grace Jones
- Trump’s intermediary to North Korea
- PR for Kim Jong Un
deAn – piano
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Destroys everything in its path
||Worked for INM
|Responsible for toxic emissions
||Responsible for Irish Independent
|Spewed out of the ground
||Spewed out garda propaganda
|Eventually turns to rock
||Eventually things turned rocky
|Part of earth’s core
||Part of Denis O’Brien’s core
|Making its way to the sea
||See ya later
That North Korean Nuclear site
FIANNA FÁIL LEADER FACES TERMINATION
PRO-LIFE Fianna Fáil activists have warned of the potentially horrible consequences of repealing the 8th Amendment for party leader, Micheál Martin.
Many members of the party have campaigned to retain the legal status quo despite the leader having adopted a pro-repeal stance.
But TDs are fearing thatfear Martin himself could become the first victim of a liberal abortion regime.
One politician who didn’t wished to be named claimed the Cork South-Central representative was actually benefitting from the controversial amendment.
“There’s no doubt that regardless of the result of this referendum Micheál’s chances of getting terminated will increase exponentially.
“A lot of our people are of the opinion that he is no longer viable and he should be put out of his misery to prevent further suffering. He should be careful for what he wishes for,” he warned.
EUROPEAN RUGBY CHAMPIONS CUP STATISTICS
74: People who attended Leinster homecoming celebration
0: Percentage chance of Joey Carbery going to Ulster
1/20: Johnny Sexton’s conversion rate
1.28 million: Number of Munster fans hoping for Racing 92 victory
Number 2: What role the media keep reminding Stuart Lancaster he actually has
12: Seconds of footage RTÉ was allowed to show of match
HSE FACES REBRAND
By our (fully qualified) medical correspondent Con Sultant
IN THE aftermath of the resignation of Tony O’Brien, the Health Service Executive (HSE) has announced it is to rebrand itself later this year.
“Rebranding can be expensive,“ explained spokesperson MT Ward. “So in order to save costs we have decided to keep the same initial letters but just, you know, jumble them up a bit. So, in future, we will be known as the SHE.”
When asked if the brand name SHE was intended to underline the organisation’s renewed commitment to women’s health and wellbeing, the spokesperson replied: “No, but that’s not a bad idea come to think of it. Can we use that?
“At the moment, SHE stands for Serving Health Executives; looking after the people who work there, as a priority, er… going forward. Yeah, Serving Health Executives. That just about sums up our mission.”
CAMPAIGNERS HAIL REMOVAL OF ‘DISTURBING’ PLACARDS
By Bill Poster
CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the 8th Amendment campaigns have welcomed the removal of graphic referendum posters, with all parties agreeing they were “way over the top” and “most disturbing.”
The posters, showing an aborted foetus in the background to be-suited Health Minister Simon Harris, were removed by Wicklow County Council.
Said one Yes campaigner: “I had to shield my children’s eyes as I was walking them to school. They had never seen Simon Harris before and I had no idea what the effect might be on them. It was so irresponsible.”
Likewise a No camp member described the incident as “regrettable” and extended her apologies. “I think it was a step to far. His beady eyes seemed to be following you.”
Those disturbing abortion posters revealed
APOLOGY BY MARK ZUCKITUP
AS PART of our continuing efforts to protect the integrity of our money in the run-up to referendums, we will no longer accept misleading foreign-based ads related to the upcoming Irish abortion vote. This is such an important issue that I have been thinking seriously about it for some time – at least since the 2016 US election and Brexit campaign when we raked in incredible amounts of advertising moolah from anyone and everyone. So I am really sorry to have been forced into this loss-making situation. I intend to make sure it never happens again. Finally, can I assure you that we will continue to do what we do best – by taking full responsibility to safeguard our vast profits.
* Please Like my apology and share it with everyone you know, so that your personal data will not be sold on without our permission.
THOSE REFERENDUM CAMPAIGNS IN FULL
The Simon Movement towards Abortion Rights Maybe (SMARM):
Uninspiring Cork body advocating the right to choose an option before terminating it for a different one, as long as it doesn’t endanger the political life of the one carrying it through to the very end. Believes repealing the 8th will help prolong the life of Fine Gael. Modus operandi includes frowning heavily at opponents, looking serious over rim and threatening opponents with another lengthy explanation.
Micheál’s Irish Loyal Friends and Supporters (MILFS):
Handful of leaflet distributors and dwindling… (That’s enough abortive plans for the moment – Ed)
Catholics Rejecting Aborted Pregnancies (CRAP):
Devout movement comprising church hierarchy in association with several travel agencies touting the cross-channel market. Warns against thousands of foetuses being deposited in street bins every hour and complete collapse of Irish birth rate as mums opt to stay working instead of barefoot at home with a large family. Tactics include offering lifetime jobs in laundries in return for seeing out pregnancy and reciting novenas to St Christopher, patron saint of travellers. Campaign slogan: “Let her without sin take the first flight.”
Society for the Protection of the Unborn Drinker and Driver (SPUDD):
South Kerry based group led by the renowned Healy-Rearem’s and fully opposed to terminating anything, especially if there’s a full tank of diesel and the road is clear. Circumvents the ban on foreign input into the referendum by speaking several different languages simultaneously to demonstrate graphically how cruel it is to have to abort driving home. Predicts every bar in Kerry will become desolate by 2030 as population declines, leading to starving publicans eating their own families and cars.
BAPTISM BATTLE BLIGHTS BUSINESSES
THE BOUNCY CASTLE Association of Ireland has condemned the government’s decision to change admission policies for Catholic schools.
The proposals make it illegal for schools to discriminate in favour of children baptised into the Catholic church where places are limited.
But the move has been heavily criticised by those who specialise in providing entertainment for sham christenings.
Alan Air , chairman of the bouncy castle group, claimed the decision was a backwards step.
“Business is booming with couples who want to both keep their in-laws happy while simultaneously never saying a good word about the church. And that’s all at risk now,” he said.
But the Minister for Education and Invisibility, Richard Bruton, has vowed to remain firm on the issue.
“We are taking this brave and courageous stand because it is absolutely the right thing to do and not because we don’t want to build new schools,” he claimed.
10 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT HARRY AND MEGHAN
- Meghan’s pet name for Harry is Your Royal Highness.
- The Duke of Edinburgh could not attend the wedding because he was on safari shooting pandas.
- The fairytale marriage was almost cancelled after the bride discovered Harry was not actually Ed Sheeran.
- Theresa May has thanked the royal couple for creating a temporary distraction from her shambolic government.
- Prince George was delighted to be pageboy, appearing on the front page, middle page and every other page of the British tabloids.
- Prince Charles gave the couple some eco-friendly paranormal yoghurt as a gift. He had already given Will and Kate the throne.
- Harry insisted on taking his Nazi uniform on honeymoon.
- Meghan actually knows the true identity of her father.
(That’s enough royal fillers – Ed.)
WHO’S ON THE ‘DRINK-LINK’ BUS
- Danny Healy-Rae aiming a loaded pint bottle at Shane Ross
- Shane Ross heading for a job interview
- Simon Coveney trying to grab the wheel to do a U-turn
- Angry bloke on the phone to Joe Duffy
- Mattie McGrath buying a return ticket
LOVABLE beatific smiles and liberal greetings from your supreme pontiff. What a busy time for you all in Ireland with the great Catholic referendum around the corner.
How happy I am to know you are all conscience-bound individuals. This means you are completely free to vote a resounding No to the evils of round-the-clock compulsory abortions on demand. By doing the right thing, you will save thousands of lives and – on a more personal level – avoid burning in hell’s fiery flames for all eternity. And eternity is a very long time – especially towards the end.
Meanwhile, hot on the heels of those Rolling Stones, I look forward to continuing my 50-stadium tour and seeing you in August like a cross-fire hurricane. OMG! So much love and peace in that Phoenix Park. Oh yes, it’s about reaching out and breaking down barriers – except, of course for the essential Baptism Barrier that keeps all those non-desirables out of our good Catholic schools.
Got to rush. So much to be done to stamp out the filthy pro-abortion wickedness which I must remind you is instantly punishable by on-the-spot everlasting suffering – thanks to God’s almighty mercy and forgiveness. Ciao!
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Emergencies are a way of life at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka “Blueshirt General”. But when the patient is a close friend and colleague, in this case the Director General of the Health Service Executive, staff must still remain calm and professional as they go about their life-and-death work.
Tony O’Brien (in bed, looking around him, dazed): What’s happening? Where am I?
Leo Varadkar: You’ve had a bit of a turn for the worse, I’m afraid. But don’t worry. You’re in the hands of the Irish health system.
O’Brien: Oh no! My worst nightmare! Get me out of here.
Simon Harris: Just try to relax, Tony. We’ll make you better. Maybe.
Varadkar (to Harris): Don’t call him Tony. You get emotionally involved that was – not good for you when they die.
Nurse: He’s flatlining, doctor!
Varadkar: Damn. How do you know?
John Concannon: It’s all over Twitter. There’s zero sympathy out there.
Harris (checking phone): They’re right, Dr Varadkar. We’re losing him.
Concannon: And even worse, we’re losing control of the narrative.
Nurse: There must be something we can do.
Varadkar (Checking phone): No. Looks like he’s toast all right.
Patient: What? Jesus!
Varadkar: Okay people, I’m calling it. Where’s the plug?
Patient: But…you can’t withdraw my life support like that!
Varadkar: Don’t worry. You’ll get a €140,000 golden handshake and six months’ pay in advance. It’s a pretty good deal, all things considered.
A churchyard in Killiney. At the funeral of Monica Barnes, the current hospital master bumps into his predecessor.
Enda Kenny: Well, young Varadkar. I hope you’re bearing up under the pressures of the job – as you’ve probably found out by now, it’s not as easy as I made it look.
Varadkar: It has its moments, certainly.
Kenny (shaking his hand): Sorry for your troubles, by the way.
Varadkar: What? Oh I didn’t really know Monica, to be honest. She was before my time.
Kenny: I meant Tony O’Brien. It’s never easy when you lose one of your own like that.
Varadkar: Oh yes, Tony. Very sad. Difficult decision, as you can imagine.
Kenny: You did the right thing. Remember the Hippocratic Oath: In a crisis, always save your own arse first.
Varadkar: Er, I don’t think that’s quite the version I learned in Medical School. But I’ll take your word for it. Anyway, remind me who this Monica Barnes was exactly?
Kenny: She was a highly-respected matron back in the day. Worked over on our old left wing – insofar as we had a left wing then. It was 1980s Ireland – you probably never heard of it.
Varadkar: I wish! I can assure you that 1980s Ireland is still very much with us, the cantankerous old bastard. In fact, we’re having it in the hospital again next week for a big operation.
Kenny: Yes, I heard. You’re removing the 8th Amendment?
Varadkar: That’s the plan, anyway.
Kenny: Well, good luck with that. You’ll need it.
Varadkar: I suppose you’re still pro-life yourself?
Kenny (winking and shaking his hand again, in farewell): In this case, Leo, I’m pro-retirement.
Pathology Department later. As more senior HSE staff go the same way as the director general, attention turns to the search for a cause of this sudden outbreak of accountability.
Pathologist: We’ve traced the epidemic to a series of memos prepared when the CervicalCheck problem first emerged. Have a look.
Varadkar (squinting into microscope): So this was a deliberate strategy?
Pathologist: A so-called “communications protocol”. Yes.
Harris (studies the slide): When was this strategy put in place?
Pathologist: Between March and July 2016.
Varadkar (exchanging nervous glances with Harris): Gulp. So anyone who came in contact with it then or since may be infected?
Pathologist: Yes. Nobody who touched this is immune.
Varadkar: Gosh. Okay, well, thanks for letting us know. (Catches Harris’s eye, nods to the corridor. They walk and talk).
Harris (quietly): Do you think we’re at risk?
Varadkar: I’ve never seen or heard of that strategy until now, I swear.
Harris: Even though you were head of the relevant department back then?
Varadkar: Luckily, I’d been warned beforehand to have as little contact with administrative staff as possible, or I’d be sure to catch something from them sooner or later.
Harris: Yes, you told me the same thing when I took over. So you think we’re both clean?
Varadkar (stopping by a hand-sanitiser): With any luck. But let’s not take any chances. Even that microscope could have had germs.
Harris (taking turns with the sanitiser): Good thinking. I’m told this accountability thing can be horribly contagious when it takes hold.
This week renowned stayputologist Dr. Tony O’Brien gets round to discussing the folly of making rash decisions.
As a doctor I am often asked, ‘why the hell don’t you resign now and not drag this out any longer?” The simple answer is, “How dare you?! Your children would be appalled!”
What is presented to the doctor is the condition known medically as outforbloodis, -sometimes also called wanthisheadonaplateria. Classic symptoms include constant knee-jerking, finger stabbing and even frothing at the mouth, along with rising blood pressure.
Tragically, what soon happens is that the good doctor himself becomes a victim of these attacks and is faced with a terrible dilemma. Should he dash for the door in the hope of saving his own skin or sit tight and hope the entire infection spreads to someone else?
If you feel a sudden impulse for blood coming on, please don’t tell anyone else and someone here will get back to you in a few years or so.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Believes he is infallible
||Believes he is infallible
|Lives in Iran
||Lives on another planet
||Wore out his welcome
|Hates United States
||Hates Dáil committees
|Went to war with Iraq
||Went to war with PAC
Denis O’Brien jet
THOSE IRISH ROYALISTS IN FULL
To celebrate the royal wedding Goldhawk asked leading Irish celebrities for their thoughts on the matter:
Sir Bob Geldof
Sir Bob Geldof
Of course I’ll be focking watching the wedding coverage. Unlike the Boomtown Rats the House of Windsor has managed to preserve its popularity among middle England and remains relevant to a younger generation.
Dame Edna O’Brien
I feel like any attempt to prevent me from watching the royal couple tie the knot would be indicative of the oppressive, stifling, small-minded, insular, parochial mindset of the land of my birth which I had to escape from.
Sir Anthony O’Reilly
Sir Anthony O’Reilly
I was humbled and honored to receive an invitation to attend the wedding of the year. Unfortunately part of my duties include taking the corgis for a walk and hoovering out the Queen’s jeep.
The royal wedding represents the only opportunity I have to talk to David Davis about customs and unions without sparking a tantrum. But it’s nice to see the confetti is made out of the backstop agreement.
TRUMP DEMANDS SMEAR TEST
US President Donald Tramp has claimed that adult film star Stormy Daniels is part of a dirty tricks campaign (surely “very naughty tricks” ? – Ed) to discredit him.
Tramp has now gone on the offensive (isn’t he always? – Ed) and has demanded that Ms Daniels take a lie detector test – referred to by the Donald as a “smear test”– that he claims will prove conclusively that Ms Daniels is lying in order to smear him.
Dr Trump has proposed that the test take place on April 1 next year. He has even offered to write up the report afterwards, which confirms that Tramp is the purest, most honest, person ever to hold office in the US or anywhere else. (“I dunno ‘bout dat” – B Ahern)
DUBLIN RELIC RETURNED TO RIGHTFUL PLACE
By Larry O’Toole
DUBLIN residents are celebrating this week after an ancient relic was finally put back in its box.
The curiosity is believed to contain the last remaining traces of St Bartholomew of Ahern’s teflon coating.
The item disappeared in 2008 just before a violent economic storm engulfed the whole island. Many had hoped the curiosity would remain hidden but it was sighted extensively over the last few weeks.
German journalist Tim Sebastian is credited with helping to ensure the artifact was returned to its rightful place.
“I was conducting a routine interview with a former taoiseach when suddenly he started going around in circles and digging a massive hole for himself. It was at this moment that the opportunity arose to do the right thing and I grabbed it with both hands,” he said.
Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin has publicly thanked Mr Sebastian and said he hopes it is the end of the matter.
“The remains of Bertie are now safely locked away in a dark cupboard where he can’t do any harm and hopefully he will stay there for the foreseeable future,” he said.
THOSE FIANNA FÁIL DEMANDS IN FULL
- Drain the Shannon but don’t give the water to the Dubs
- Free Nathan Carter tickets for life
- Do something about the potholes
- Bring back Glenroe
- Stop pointing out that we set up the HSE
- Free exorcisms for ghost estates
- Funding to be made available for Men in Black style memory eraser
ROYAL BABY JOY
BRITAIN is celebrating the latest Royal Baby in the traditional way with time-honoured front page headlines and sensational round-the-clock TV speculation.
In newsrooms up and down the country, editors have been jumping for joy as they updated Royal Pregnancy articles with up-to-the-minute Royal Baby souvenir supplements.
“It’s absolutely everything we could have wished for and we are totally over the moon – particularly as it didn’t matter whether it was a baby boy or a baby girl supplement,” said one overjoyed editor, Sid Trash.
On other pages
- 100s of pics of yummy mummy Kate 3-7
- 100s of even yummier pics of Meghan 8-15
- Royal baby replaces news about Brexit fiasco 16
- Post-natal nausea as people get really sick of it all 17
ULSTER BANK HELPLINE
- Press 1 for Account totalled annihilated and can’t get a taxi home in the rain
- Press 2 for Card not being recognised by our ATM and a long, angry queue forming behind you
- Press 3 If you need a tenner to tide you over for the weekend
- Press 4 If your car is being repossessed due to our complete incompetence
- Press 5 For the latest heartfelt apology
- Press 6 For six reasons not to ring Joe Duffy
- Press 7 For helpful prayers that may sustain you while we mend this glitch
- Sorry, Option 9 seems to have temporarily malfunctioned. We
sincerely apologise for any inconvenience as we endeavour to rectify the…(Contd tomorrow and the next time and the next.)
Healthy Appetite, Wednesday, 8.30pm – Join Ireland’s favourite chef Bertie Ahern as he manages to make a meal out of everything. In this week’s episode Bertie tries to avoid getting burned while cooking up half-baked excuses for some Germans.
Can’t Cope,Won’t Cope, Tuesday 9.30pm – Stefanie is celebrating her good fortune after managing to convince gullible Montrose executives that her stereotypical characters are exactly what they have been looking for. Contains scenes some may find tedious and boring.
Tracks and Trails, Friday 8.30pm – Finance minister Paschal Donohoe travels over the same old ground in an attempt to discover a hidden path known as the tracker. Unbeknownst to Paschal the tracker has been virtually destroyed by greedy bankers.
RTE CONCERT ORCHESTRA REVISED PLAYLIST
- Bocchrini’s String Quintet in e Major Shortfall
- Edvard Grieg’s Peer Skint Suite No 1
- Chopin’s Nocturne in B-flat Broke Minor
- Elgar’s Pomp and Dire Circumstances March No 1
- Barber’s Adagio for Purse Strings
- Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue the Red
THAT KOREAN AGREEMENT IN FULL
- Bertie Ahern, John Bruton and Brian Cowen to be left stranded in the demilitarised zone
- Seán Canney to receive the freedom of Pyongyang
- Bill Cosby to be granted political asylum in North Korea
- Honeymoon suite to be made available for Donald Trump and Emmanuel Macron
- Workers’ Party of Korea to provide money to fund Fianna Fáil election promises
- Korean mail order brides to be sent straight to Garda headquarters
- Kate O’Connell to be appointed special adviser to Kim Jong-Un
- Simon Harris to stop making excuses
MICHAEL D’S AMERICAN DIARY
Monday: So here I am in the “Big Bagel,” as our treasured Irish-American diaspora call it. Enjoying the rich culture here, including traditional waffles and syrup in a legendary yellow cab. Minister Zappone assures me there has been nothing like my visit since the Beatles arrived here to be plunged into an unprecedented round-the-clock publicity blitz.
Tues: Top-level meeting along with 183 other world figures as part of the prestigious Leaders of Tomorrow initiative. Such a dynamic atmosphere even though time constrains prevent me from actually speaking. Later on, shared a nourishing ethnic lunch of homegrown deep-fried crepes with several vibrant young people, including South Korea’s Hu Hee and the Yemen representative, Sheikh Yabutti.
Wed: Hectic day with guest phone-in interview about world affairs with Tina Tequila on Buenas Dias, Miami followed by grits with hash brownnose on a busy “pavewalk”. My historic United Nations address about reaching out to achieve global peace is a tremendous success. Zapper is so excited that she insists that I rest in my hotel room while she deals with all the world’s media.
Thur: Important appearance on Midwest WXTC-FM with DJ Casey Cornfeed who encourages me to discuss the ongoing contribution of gifted Irish individuals in public office – both abroad and especially at home. Oh, yes, some of us have still so much to give – regardless of gender, stature or age. Time to return to Ireland in triumph.
WESO SAYS GOODBYE
- Wes Hoolahan’s farewell
- Eamon Dunphy weeping inconsolably
- Delia Smith cooking up platitudes
- Martin O’Neill frantically ringing Stoke City
- Roy Keane making holiday plans
- John Delaney looking for publicity
- Jonathan Walters collecting old age pension
IRFU INTERNSHIP OPPORTUNITY
We are currently working on exciting new developments and will offer an introductory education programme to voluntary interns of all levels of gullibility.
- Indispensable administration role, including paperclip management and stapling.
- Emoji design superimposing happy faces on rugby ball.
- Removing stubborn unwanted stains from soiled jerseys.
- Banning uninvited Belfast hacks from press conferences.
- Make maximum use of your masters degree or PhD qualification.
- Gain valuable going-out-to-get-cappuccinos experience.
- Wear informal sports casual clothes (your own).
- No gender pay gap (guaranteed 18-month unpaid position).
- Join a winning team creating profits that keep executive pay at an acceptably high level.
- Fill in for absent employees who are properly treated.
- Fill up empty seats at nearest Social Welfare office.
You must be joking.
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
It’s another busy day in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Making a round of the wards, hospital master Dr Varadkar is approached by an even-more-than-usually stressed head of the Accident and Emergency department, Dr Harris.
Harris (handing him a file of X-rays): I need you to have a look at these.
Varadkar (studying the X-rays with puzzled expression, then turning them upside down, and trying again): It’s a complete mess. What is it?
Harris: It’s our cervical cancer screening programme – that’s what.
Varadkar: Gosh. How did it end up looking like this?
Harris: Well, because we outsourced part if it to some place in Texas, among other reasons.
Varadkar: What are the CervicalCheck people saying?
Harris (handing him sheet of paper): Here’s the statement.
Varadkar (reading): “Processes… best practice… re-education… more processes…going forward”. Jesus – this is…
Varadkar: Exactly – that’s the perfect description.
Harris: No, I mean, Flannelly. The head of CervicalCheck. That’s her statement.
Varadkar (handing back file): She’ll have to go.
Harris: That’s what I thought too. I just wanted a second opinion.
The lecture theatre, later. As the hospital prepares for a dangerous operation to separate Siamese twins, known as Patient “Ireland” and Patient “Northern Ireland” respectively, the joint-head surgeon, Dr Barnier from Paris, outlines the risks involved.
Barnier (pointing at map): “Ere we see one of the areas most affected by the proposed surgery, including – ’ow you say in English – Dundal-k?
Simon Coveney: “Dundawk”, actually – the ‘l’ is silent.
Gerry Adams: So are a lot of the locals up there if you’re a stranger asking questions.
Barnier: Mais oui – I noticed that on my fact-finding mission to the area. Now, as you can see, there are many sensitive body parts ’ere, including Fork’ill and ’Ackballscross – ouch, that sounds like painful surgery. Which is why I suggest we avoid making any incisions ’ere at all, and instead concentrate on this area (he presses button on laptop, and another map – mostly blue – appears).
Coveney: Ah yes, the Irish Sea.
Barnier: Exactement! If there is to be any cutting at all, I intend to make it ’ere (he draws a line with his pointer between the Mull of Kintyre and Wexford). To borrow a term from my colleagues in the world of obstetrics, it will be a kind of Irish C-section.
Coveney: Very good! It’s an excellent plan, Dr Barnier, and of course you will have our full support. But as you know, the British half of the surgical team still has sharply contrasting ideas about this.
Barnier: Yes, I realise it. But don’t worry. (He presses button again and a picture of David Davis appears on screen). When I am finished (he mimes pulling a needle and thread), Monsieur Davis will be stitched up the middle too. And I promise that will be neither a seamless nor frictionless solution. (Laughter from audience, followed by standing ovation).
Later again, in a hospital interview room.
Varadkar: Okay, Mr Marshall. As you know, we’re interviewing for a vacancy in St Jude’s Ward for lost causes, or the Seanad Éireann department as it’s known in Irish. Not that we expect you to speak Irish, given your background, of course. In fact, basically, the job involves doing as little as possible except making me look good for having staff from minority backgrounds. So let’s just cut to the chase here and say: you’re hired.
Micheál Martin: Now wait just a minute, . I haven’t agreed yet – and you need a majority of the three-person interview board.
Mary Lou McDonald: Are you trying to be the bad cop here, Meehawl?
Martin: All cops used to be bad as far as your crowd was concerned. That was before your predecessor joined the hospital, instead of putting people in it.
McDonald: Always the bitter word, Meehawl. But I agree with Dr Varadakar. (She glances through the CV) Mr Marshall has all the qualities required here. So I vote we hire him too – that’s a 2-1 majority.
Martin (to Varadkar): You’re not seriously going to accept her support on this, are you?
Varadkar: Why not?
Martin: Because you’ve said repeatedly you wouldn’t share power with people like her.
Varadkar: Hey, we’re talking about a job in Seanad Éireann here – power has nothing to do with it. But besides, just because I may have said harsh things about Mary Lou in the past doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind. We’re all about second opinions in this profession, as you know.
Martin: Another U-turn – why am I surprised. No doubt Mary Lou will be on the board of management any day now.
McDonald: That’s the plan, all right. (To Marshall) Welcome to the infirmary, Ian. You’ll like it here. It’ll be just like home, eventually.
LIGHTWEIGHTS CONTEST OPW TITLE
BUST-UP: The two fighters pictured here at the weigh-in ahead of their lightweight title bout
CURRENT title-holder Kevin “Boxer” Moron and title-challenger and previous title-holder “Canny” Seán Canney are set to contest the OPW lightweight title.
The last time they met they shared the contest at six rounds each but Moron wanted to keep the title while Canny Canney thought it should have been shared and that Moron should have been penalised for holding by referee Shane Ross. Moron was eventually declared the winner. But we may not have heard the last of it.
Each man knows the ropes well and can be certain as always to box clever in advance of a rematch. We can expect a few hurtful jibes (surely “jabs”?- Ed) from each – and that’s before the next contest even begins.
So it’s second preferences out and lets see who will be eliminated by the 10th count next time round.
JOHN HORAN’S LETTER TO THE COUNTIES
Dear County Secretary,
As you are probably aware we are about to enter a sustained period of bitter, nasty and vindictive conflict over the next few weeks.
Many of you have expressed concern for the weakest members of society who are at risk of having their lives terminated without warning.
While others within our organisation have argued that people should always be given the freedom to exercise their own freewill without any limitations or fear of retaliation.
With this in mind we are calling on all GAA members to avoid commenting on the Ulster Football Championship until the semi-final stages at least.
This will allow the association time to heal the wounds of what will be yet another year of needless suffering and retribution.