‘SILLY SEASON’ STORY AT DUBLIN ZOO
Animal-lovers throughout the country have welcomed the arrival of an August silly season story at Dublin Zoo.
There was immediate speculation last night that the traditional holiday story might possibly have escaped from a nearby media circus.
Some local residents in the vicinity of the Phoenix Park expressed concern about the safety of their families, saying that they intended to barricade themselves indoors while the story was on the loose.
“All we know for certain is that there is a massive, desperate media pack roaming about the country at present,” said one fearful householder.
“It’s just far too dangerous to go outside where these prowling journalists could pounce out of nowhere, asking for comments about the heartwarming story and how overjoyed we all are at this unexpected feel-good development.”
That U2 Visitor Centre
Favourite Film: Ruthless People
Favourite Song: Our House – Madness
Favourite TV Show: Decimate
Favourite Sport: Boxing clever
Favourite Band: Lone Star
Favourite Animal: Vulture
Favourite Food: Dough
Favourite Exercise: Kicking out
Favourite Magazine: Hustler
Favourite Instrument: Doldrums
FAREWELL TO EAMO…
The world of football punditry has been rocked to its foundations by the news that the author of such seminal works as ‘Matt Busby, Baby,’ and ‘Keen’ has finally retired from RTÉ.
“I always agreed with whatever Gilesy said so, when John left RTÉ, I had nothing of my own to contribute,” he admitted before chucking a biro at this reporter.
Here’s what his contemporaries had to say:
Ronaldo: “That fella Dunphy was a cod.”
Messi: “Nunca escuché de él!” (I never heard of him!)
John Giles: “He was a good pundit, not a great pundit.”
Jack Charlton: “Bitter little man.”
Eason Biro: “After he threw me, I was black and blue (and available in green and red too.)”
Roy Keane: “Langer!”
John Waters: “F**king B****cks!”
• Time Out with Brendan O’Connor: RTÉ One, 9.35PM
Yes, RTÉ have given Brenny Hill another programme!
The Corkman interviews luminaries such as Majella O’Donnell and Michael Harding.
Who knows? Maybe even Bertie will show up!
NO-DEAL BREXIT: PANIC STORIES SPREAD
by Our Political Staff Martin Wail
ARE you terrified? You should be. The latest Brexit negotiations have been marked by a wave of scare-mongering media reports about the catastrophic prospects of a No-Deal exit from the EU.
These dramatic stories have been spreading far and wide into all corners of the national media. Editors are seemingly powerless to stop their resident doom merchants from prattling on about the Mad Maxesque ramifications of a No-Deal Brexit.
Over the last month, one esteemed columnist has been particularly active in using his Irish Times column to warn readers to prepare for the worst by stocking up on bottled water, processed cheese, Tayto and Mi Wadi.
“Karl Marx said that everything happens twice,” he wrote, “first as tragedy then as one of my Orwell Prize-winning columns.”
ON OTHER PAGES
Fintan Tool: Help! Oh No! We’re all going to die! p 2-7
POPE’S ITINERARY AMENDED
10.00: Received at Dublin airport by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Brace for sock-related photo op.
10.01: Vow never to fly Ryanair again.
10.35: Get cornered by Marty Morrissey and promise to pray for RTÉ.
11.00: Take phone call from Blessed Bono and receive blessing followed by advice on how to address world hunger, war, discrimination, natural disasters, Donald Trump, tax bands, etc, etc.
12.30: Get stuck in Dublin traffic due to Luas incident and demonstrations by child protection organisations, women priest advocates, HIV and AIDS support agencies, Sinéad O’Connor, the far-right, left-handed black transgender forced adoption campaigners and nuns against tea bags.
15.00: TV3 interview with the Xposé girls on why white never goes out of fashion.
15.45: Finally hang up on Bono.
18.00: Poetry reading session at Áras an Uachtaráin.
RAIN CLOUDS GATHER FOR FACEBOOK
Two women and a branded umbrella were called in before the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Communications regarding the content moderation policy of violent and harmful content on Facebook.
The women were there to answer questions. The umbrella was there for cover.
The Marker Hotel announced that were very happy with the coverage that the umbrella received. The umbrella remained silent throughout the session.
OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY – IRISH LEXICON UPDATE
Kitt | verb
• To saturate the front pages of newspapers with ridiculous filler stories. E.g. “Who do they think all those lazy hacks are kitting with that awful filler rubbish about some musician complaining that Dublin rents are too high?”
Duff | adjective
• Irish slang expression to describe someone who affects manners and opinions of a loudmouth Dublin taxi-driver. E.g. “That duff bloke was on RTÉ again shooting his mouth off about how the GAA hate soccer players.”
Ross | noun
• English vernacular. To care about nothing other than courting publicity. E.g. “Some self-important people don’t give a ross about pandering to old people in the hope of gaining a few votes.”
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Original name was Clay
||Currently his name is mud
|Stung like a bee
||Stung by criticism
|Refused to fight in Vietnam
||Pretends to fight Varadkar
|Convert to Islam
||Convert to populism
|Beat Sonny Liston
||Leadership is listing
|Threw Olympic medal into Ohio River
||Threw away big poll lead
|Bashed opponents in the ring
||Hates Brit bashing
FAI TO ASK FOR SEMPLE STADIUM
FAI chief John Delaney is reported to have contacted the GAA to request the use of Semple Stadium in Thurles for another soccer benefit match.
“This time the game will be between Bray Wanderers and Limerick” said Delaney. “As you know, both sets of players went a while there without getting paid. In a way, they were a bit like GAA players until it all got sorted.
“We hope that the match will raise sufficient funds (after the FAI has taken its cut) to make up for any potential loss of earnings. We picked Thurles because it is a similar distance from both clubs so the players should not incur too much expense in getting there”.
Gavin Duffy’s Amazon Recommendations
FIANNA FÁIL ABSTENTIONISM SLAMMED
By Pól Corr
SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to drop his controversial policy of abstentionism.
The Cork South-Central TD has come in for considerable criticism following his decision to abstain from this year’s presidential election.
This follows on from Fianna Fáil’s continued boycott of the European Parliament, failure to contest elections north of the border despite repeatedly saying they would do so and abstaining from numerous Fine Gael votes.
Sinn Féin president Mary Lou McDonald claimed it was time for Martin to put party politics aside and pull on the green jersey.
“It’s becoming increasingly clear that Fianna Fáil’s reckless and indulgent behaviour is damaging confidence in politics.Just yesterday I heard Stephen Donnelly talking about rejoining the Social Democrats. It’s gone way beyond a joke,” she said.
MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS
It’s the Sahara Desert for me! Everyone knows how much I love wide open spaces. My colleagues often remark how I encourage people to look up and see the wonder of the moon and stars without the impediment of a roof over their heads. Magic!
I’m actually going to stay in Dublin this year. A friend of mine went on one of those Dáil tours and says you get to sit in the Taoiseach’s chair! To be able to sit in it for a whole 10 weeks is an opportunity I’ll probably never get again.
It’s a busman’s holiday for me as I’m off to the Peruvian jungle to study what sounds like very advanced medical practices. I plan to visit a community where new cutting-edge hammock technology has doubled ward capacity. Fantastic!
I hope to bring home several revolutionary initiatives to improve our services.
RYANAIR INCIDENT REPORT
Company: Ryanair again
Date: Friday 13th (Wouldn’t you just know it!)
What was it this time?: Emergency landing, passengers petrified. Oddly, nothing to do with pissed customers, pilots on strike, stranded passengers, etc…
Summary of investigation: Investigators believe a multitude of factors contributed to the situation, most notably high pressure in the cabin (among the crew), plummeting confidence, rapidly descending belief, pride entering a tailspin and most identifiably bleeding earfuls from the high-flying CEO with his head in the clouds.
Recommendations: Aer Lingus, BA, Easyjet…
UK’S LATEST BREXIT STRATEGY
1. New Brexit Secretary to continue sending EU officials into deep sleep
2. Gove to stab Boris in the back again before he causes more trouble
3. Insist that warring Tory factions are really best friends
4. And that the Irish Border fiasco will be a great success
5. Hint at another billion for Mrs Foster’s DUP crowd
6. Keep doing secret deals with Jacob Rees-Mogg’s hard Brexiteers
7. This will surely prolong the chaotic Brexit talks for several months
8. Allowing Mrs Mayday to escape to the Swiss Alps for a while
9. Might just get us all through to the autumn. Phew!
10. Er… er… That’s it
IAN PAISLEY JNR FAVOURITES
Favourite film: Total Recall
Favourite song: Holiday, Madonna
Favourite TV show: Getaways
Favourite detective: Columbo
Favourite animal: Tamil Tigers
Favourite exercise: Kickbacks
Favourite food: Gravy
Favourite magazine: The Advocate
Favourite hobby: Alms taking
Favourite colour: Red-handed
NEW ÁRAS CANDIDATES UNEARTHED!
By Jay C. Bee
IN THEIR latest astounding discovery, archaeologists excavating at Newgrange, Co Meath, have dug up three more candidates for the Irish presidency.
The finds were made when excavators “plumbed the very depths”, according to leading archaeologist, Professor Luis Stones.
“They are unique, pre-historic fossils that have possibly become un-henged over time,” says the professor. “But they are well preserved for their age, possibly having been stewed in fine port for lengthy periods of their existence. Obviously they don’t have anything of significance to say about modern living and will not be out of place in the 2019 contest.”
Varadkar promises ‘scorched earth’ in UN seat bid
TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has defended the government’s modus operandi as it continues to seek support for an Irish seat at the UN Security Council.
The campaign began with invitations issued to every ambassador in the world to attend a U2 concert in New York amid reports that further face-to-face meetings with Bono were already being organised for UN officials and diplomats everywhere.
“So what if we opt to target the diplomatic sector with extreme prejudice for two years,” explained an unrepentant Mr Varadkar last night. “It’s a legitimate tactic in all campaigns. The use of carpet-concerting is accepted in theatres of political war and we have thus far held off from using our diplomats to blast U2 music 24 hours a day outside foreign embassies around the world – a tactic that proved successful in the past when adopted by the US government in Operation Noriega.”
The Taoiseach expanded on his tactics (part of the Global Goosestep policy for doubling the amount of people annoyed with Ireland by 2040), noting that UN diplomats need merely to “commit their votes to us and we’ll call off Bono”.
Ominously, Mr Varadkar added that he was prepared to “go nuclear” by re-commissioning the intercontinental Mary Robinson, claiming nowhere was safe as she has a range of “far far too long”. He did, however, say that bad chemistry attacks were not on his wish list and that the Matt Cooper/Ivan Yates combination would remain sealed in a secluded industrial unit in Dublin 24.
But when pushed by anxious journalists, Mr Varadkar refused to rule out the future introduction of Dermot Bannon if progress was not evident: “There is no room for compassion in this one.”
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Attacks the opposition
||Attacks the press
|Media are obsessed with him
||He’s obsessed with the media
|Out of the World Cup
||Out of his depth
|Compared to Maradona
||Compared to Trump
|Carries Argentinian team most of the time
||Carries gym clothes at all times
||Avoids tackling big problems
SPOT THE HEADER
O’Neill slams World Cup style
By Shane Longball
REPUBLIC OF IRELAND boss Martin O’Neill’s plans to “fail better” are going swimmingly, according to the man himself. O’Neill took over from Giovanni Trapattoni after the failure to qualify for the Brazil World Cup but has continued the old Irish tradition of throwing away early leads, forgetting to defend as a unit, missing easy chances and speaking gibberish in post-match press conferences.
“I think if we had’ve scored more than them we would’ve won,” said O’Neill after the loss to Serbia. “I see us failing much better this time around and I’m sure we’ll have the last laugh when Germany go home with something barely credible, like a 4-0 win or something equally pathetic. When Georgia come here and take a point they’ll be raging they didn’t get all three.”
GUILTY PLEASURES #15,000
Whatever the outcome, I always celebrate with
Vin de Cated
says Michael Lowry about his favourite whine:
A cheeky little number (15,000) with just the merest hint of sour Garuda grapes.
JULY 12TH SPECIAL!
STORY DROUGHT CONTINUES
THE PUBLIC has been warned that the drought in non weather-related stories is expected to continue. The warm climate has led to an upsurge of coverage on sunshine to the detriment of other areas and many media outlets believe this dry spell will continue until August at least. Met experts said that hot air and the silly season arriving at the same had caused the tedious conditions.
Latest: Irish theatre talent unveiled
Lives of the Saints No. 52 – St Josepha of Madigan
AND THERE was living in those times a woman of culture and great piety named Josepha who was known for her radiant smile and angelic voice.
This pious lady entered the Leinster House cloisters where she took a vow of celebrity, smiting lowly travellers and opposing liberal ways. Along her journey, she saw the light was converted to populism.
Embracing the new pathway towards ministerial salvation Josepha visited her local temple to give thanks, but there was no male celebrant in sight. So she sallied forth to mount the pulpit and lead the faithful in a solemn reading of the Good Book of Fine Gael.
And her words rang out: “We need a new religion for all the young worshippers out there who are seeking a charismatic woman leader who doesn’t believe in all that old anti-feminist Catholic gobbledygook,” she shrieked.
And the blessed Josepha incurred the wrath of the leading Church elder Diarmuid who became sore vexed and began to quake but Josepha smote him, saying: “Verily, you are yesterday’s man for it is high time that powerful females like myself can use the altar to carry out good works such as shameless self-promotion.”
And lo, Josepha finally found the mass following she always craved and was bestowed with favour by the lowly scribes in the Blessed Media.
JOAN BURTON’S TREASURE TROVE
JOAN BURTON has confirmed the following items were stolen from her house recently:
- 500 Gilmore for Taoiseach posters
- 1,200 Frankfurt’s Way or Labour’s Way t-shirts
- Copy of the Communist Manifesto (unread)
- Spare wheel for ministerial car
- Thank You cards from Fine Gael
- Voodoo doll of Mary Lou McDonald
- Map of Jobstown
THERESA MAY CAVE
SEARCH TEAMS say it could be years before they are able to rescue Theresa May and her cabinet from the massive pothole they are trapped in.
The British Prime Minister and her colleagues marched straight into a maze of confusion following their decision to get out of Europe and all attempts to coax them back to safety have ended in failure, with bad news continuing to flood in.
Internal squabbling and pathetic grandstanding by the marooned Tories have hampered rescue attempts and it’s expected they will struggle to emerge from their predicament damage free.
Irish Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney said he was monitoring the situation carefully and that he hoped for a positive resolution. “I know better than anyone about caving in difficult circumstances, and our thoughts and prayers are with Theresa at this difficult time,” he said.
Bertie’s decision: public reacts
By Dee Pressing
THERE WAS consternation last weekend after former Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, reiterated his pledge not to run for president against incumbent Michael Twee Higgins.
“I’m devastated,” said a barber in Limerick. “My entire family was looking forward to letting him know that we would never forget him and his time as Taoiseach. Now it looks like we won’t get to chance to vote against him after all.”
Similarly, a Clare mother of six spoke of her regret: “All I ever wanted was three minutes with that man on my doorstep! Just three f***ing minutes!” she sighed heavily.
Elsewhere, a glimmer of hope emerged. “I’ve been immersed in the Bert’s career for decades and if he stated categorically and beyond doubt that he had no intention of running, then it looks like we could have a contest on out hands after all,” said one Dublin Central insider.
FIVE GUYS REVIEW THE IRISH TIMES
AS THE black and white décor had accurately forewarned, a colourless experience lay ahead – but we could never have known how utterly bland this serving of monochrome mediocrity would prove to be.
Choosing from an insipid menu, we started with something called a “Fintan”. Peppered with tri-syllabic affectation and dipped in alphabet soup, we abandoned it, gagging half way through.
We turned to some diary produce, which transpired to have all the qualities and effect of melted sedative draped over tripe that was thrice reheated and accompanied by re-hashed simile.
A “speciality” called “Harding” was strongly recommended but predictably this proved to be overdone mutton dressed as lamb, with a few carrots added in a failed attempt to render it digestible.
In desperation for something of even vague substance we chose to finish with a Mullally, described as “fresh and invigorating food for thought”. Sadly what we got was soggy, reheated waffle badly in need of spicing.
To summarise, everything seemed well past its sell-by date. Making a meal of everything: €2.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Brass plaque operations
||Brass neck in operation
|Practises double Irish
||Practises double Dutch
|Low headline rate
||Plenty of negative headlines
|No physical presence
||No presence whatsoever
|Flexible with corporate law
||Flexible with corporation tax
THOSE IRISH DERBY NON-RUNNERS
ONCE considered a “banker” by punters before betraying their faith with a shocking display under a free rein in the Meltdown Banking Handicap. No luck Stateside since then when collared by Boston Marshall before having a stop put to his gallop completely by Judge Karen back on home soil. Expensive to follow.
BLINKERED American raider by Loud Oaf out of His Tree, with a discomforting tendency to swerve to the right. Mulish no-hoper and strong chance of repeating his antics of the Clean Climate Challenge Trophy when digging his heels in and refusing to participate. Bound to end in tears unless put back in his box.
JADED plodder easily trounced recently by stablemate Leo the Spin in the Leader Champion Stakes in an embarrassing display of…(That’s enough also rans for now – Ed)
Spoiler: Leo finally apologises to Micheál after being slammed by new boy Eoghan
LEO VARADKAR’S behaviour has shocked viewers and TDs as he callously smiled at Brendan Howlin while Micheál cried in front of him. The playboy turned his head for three party leaders in two weeks, and Micheál was left crying as he tried to share his feelings for him.
But after new boy Eoghan Murphy came in last night and made sure Leo knew his actions weren’t acceptable, the Taoiseach apologised to Micheál for his actions. He took the FF leader to one side: “I think things between me and you haven’t turned out the best. And I’m sorry. Prepare for an election.” Meanwhile, Mary Lou tells viewers in the cam room that she’s fed up with Michelle O’Neill flirting with Gerry Adams.
DRUMM SLAMS GOVERNMENT OVER ‘WASTED TALENT’
By Al Catraz
FORMER Anglo-Irish Bank chief executive David Drumm has slammed the government for facilitating “a wanton waste of talent” following his first week in jail for industrial-scale fraud.
In a memo smuggled out of Mountjoy in someone’s arse yesterday the convicted fraudster says he is “fitting in fine” in his new surroundings but is “astounded by the sheer waste of talent” around him.
“Everywhere I look there are chancers, gangsters, highly capable con artists and even out and out ruthless gangsters,” he reveals. “Why are these people not out there running Ireland’s banking sector? They are perfect material.”
The former fugitive says he has “worked with far less talent” who have helped banks to prosper “yet our government is depriving Ireland of these amazing skills. It’s a criminal waste!”
Love Ireland: TV3 – 8pm A group of politicians living in isolation from the outside world in a villa called Leinster House and constantly under media surveillance. To survive in the villa two political parties must couple up with one another to form a ‘government’ whether it be by a lust for power, a merc, love, friendship or money. The new ‘leader’ this season is Mary Lou who is being courted by Leo and Micheál. But could Leo and Micheál end up in bed with one another?
The Ambassador of the United States to Ireland
cordially invites you to attend the biggest, vastest, most funly July 4th
celebration EVER at his residence in the Phoenix Park.
This year the emphasis is very much on family fun — though maybe
not all together in the same place
So feel free to bring the kids and let us take care of them in our special
children’s entertainment unit.
Enjoy peace of mind knowing they are well guarded in our secure play cages.
Triple burgers, apple pie and doughnuts served all day long!
Entrance by hole in fence – numbers strictly limited.
God bless America!
LABOUR CALLS FOR STATE APOLOGY
By Maya Culpa
THERE WERE growing calls last night for the former government to issue a State apology to members of the Labour Party community.
The call for a gesture of compassion comes just days after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar issued an apology to gay people in Ireland who had suffered for being who they were over past decades.
Said one veteran Labourite: “We too have been victimised over many decades. We’ve been ridiculed and ostracised just for being ourselves, for behaving in our natural way and in for our chosen relationships. My own family wouldn’t talk to me after we embraced Fianna Fáil back in the day!”
Former Labour Party leader Joan Burton said she envied the gay community. “At least they’re accepted now. We’re still getting fingers pointed at us and people laughing. Some days I even wish I was born Sinn Féin.”
HARRY AND MEG’S DUBLIN ITINERARY
10am: Land in Dublin.
10.30am: Stand smiling beside Leo while he still struggles with a hurl, as is tradition.
11.00am: Go to Croke Park to learn about the GAA and its historically mixed feeling towards your family.
12.00pm: Lunch in the Cat and Cage Pub in Drumcondra.
1.30pm: Go to Bus Áras to meet travelling contingent of Corkonian forelock tuggers.
3.30pm: Guinness Storehouse visit.
5pm: More pictures of Harry and Meghan awkwardly holding hurls.
6pm: Meet Michael D. Pat him on the head.
7pm: Meet a lovely rickshaw driver and sample local confectionery.
9pm: Trad session in The Temple Bar.
10pm-12am: Meet the INMO and the GRA in McGowan’s, Phibsboro. (Reminder: Learn lyrics to the Irish national anthem, Wagon Wheel).
12.15am: Continue meeting in Coppers.
VARADKAR WON’T APOLOGISE FOR APOLOGIES
By Max Culpa
TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has refused point blank to apologise for the number of apologies he has presided over in the Dáil, leaving some members of the opposition apologetic with rage (surely “apoplectic”? – Ed)
In fact, he has just announced that the government is to introduce a novel scheme whereby every voter in the State will be able to apologise formally for any wrongdoing or slight they have ever perpetrated against any person or persons. A special form will be available in Iris Oifigiúil and online at www.sorry.pal.ie that will allow any person to fill in the details of their apology.
Mr Varadkar hopes the media will lend their support to this initiative by creating a special Apologies Page, similar to the letters page, in their publications.
He also hopes Joe Duffy will devote a section of his radio show to reading out the more interesting apologies and that RTÉ will commission a special programme, perhaps entitled Ireland’s Wild Apologies built around the avalanche of interesting material the initiative is bound to generate.
“This will also provide a welcome boost to the coffers of those employed in the legal profession,” he added.
Drumm pulls on the Green Jersey again
REPUBLIC OF IRELAND supporters are being urged to support Mexico at this year’s World Cup.
Chairman of the Green Jersey Brigade David Drumm made the plea to get behind El Tricolor at this summer’s tournament.
Drummer said the North American nation represented everything that is good about the beautiful game.
“Watching them during their qualifying matches one can’t help but be impressed by their carefree, light-touch and swashbuckling style. There is no shortage of swaggering either which I applaud,” said Drumm.
Mexico find themselves in the group of death alongside Germany, South Korea and Sweden.
This doesn’t faze the cocky Drumm as he confidently predicts the Aztecs will make serious inroads in Russia.
“The usual suspects will try and stifle their creativity and flair but they should get out of the group behind perennial favourites Deutschland Deutschland Über Alles. Although, you can never write off the Germans – just ask that fucking shower of clowns on Dame Street,” he said.