Category: Craic & Codology

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3717

StD 3717

CARRIE LAM MICHAEL O’LEARY Acting like a puppet Acting like a muppet Leader of Hong Kong Behaves like King Kong Under pressure from Chinese government Under pressure from shareholders Responsible for controversial extradition bill Responsible for controversial baggage bills Wants to keep airport open Wants... Read more »

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SPORT IN THE OIRISH SUN

Oirish Sun logo

Transfer deadline latest Wayne Dundon has moved from Segregated Cell to Solitari Confinement. Although he remains in the Mountjoy Major League, Limerick-born Dundon is reported to be unhappy with the move, saying, “I was very content where I was. There was a great atmosphere in... Read more »

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THE ANGEL VISITS SIMON

bible scripture

A reading from the Book of Doom (Plugs 1:6 – 21) And in the 19th year, the Angel Politico didst appear and verily asketh of a simple man, known as Simon of Harris, who didst claim to be a great healer, ‘Wouldst thou liketh to... Read more »

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THE STEFANIE PRISONER COLUMN – THE POWER OF KNOW

Stefanie Preissner

Is it just me or does anyone else have a massive issue with beginning an article with “Is it just me”? “Is it just me” were actually the first words I uttered for the whole of my first month. I took that phrase and milked... Read more »

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ELECTRIC PICNIC SIDESHOWS

EP sideshows

Comedy Veteran performer Brendan Howlin draws on newly recycled material dealing with such daily challenges as pissing against the wind and rising from the grave. Hilarious segment on putting faith in the Labour Party. The Spoken Word Hear RTÉ wordsmith Dee Forbes defy the conventional... Read more »

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THE DAILY BORISGRAPH – WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Boris boxing

Britain’s future politico tells it like it isn’t WHAT A week with Bojo going head to head with old Jeremy Hunt, my formal rival-in-arms – who is really a pretty decent chap when all’s said and done! So, it’s all go in Downing Street again,... Read more »

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ONES TO AVOID AT GALWAY RACES

Jockey Harris

Hay Chess See: Accident-prone old plodder with a worrying reputation for taking the wrong course or refusing to co-operate altogether. Hapless stable soon to be broken up and under-performing creatures dispersed. Abbotstown Boyo: From the stable that gave us the expensive-to-follow Waterford John, this perennial... Read more »

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THE ‘BOTTLER’ WHO KNEW ME

Brendan Grace and Twink

By Twink Brendan always badly wanted to be close to me and was even born three days before me on 1st April. Fools’ Day don’t ye know!! When I was only really starting out on my stellar career, I was, I believe, the inspiration for... Read more »

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DONALD TRUMP FAVOURITES

American Flag

Favourite film: Triumph of the WillFavourite song: Get Back, The BeatlesFavourite TV show: Banged Up AbroadFavourite food: Red meatFavourite band: Big CountryFavourite exercise: RacesFavourite colour: WhiteFavourite clothing: FlaresFavourite website: MyHome.ie

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THAT FAI AGENDA

Soccer Shane Ross

1. Lock the doors 2. Pull down the blinds 3. Re-arrange the chairs 4. Prayer to Saint John of the Poor Delaney 5. Arrangements for upcoming visit to ostrich farm 6. Nominations for post of technician to cover tracks 7. Has anyone seen the accounts... Read more »

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AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIM OF THE MONTH

Lisa Smith

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Lisa (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers over recent times. One of countless captured ISIS brides, she is being held in a remote refugee camp on the Syrian border with... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3715

StD-3715

Diarmuid Connolly John Delaney Problems with visa No problems with visa card Back in the spotlight Fans in the dark Always kicking points Known for kicking for touch Popular with the Dubs Not popular with the PAC Put back in the Dublin team Put on... Read more »

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GARDA GOODIES

Garda-logo-colour

Those senior Garda retirement packages in full: Lifetime supply of Nathan Carter tickets ’Dirty Harry’ dvd ‘Less of the attitude, pal’ t-shirt Functioning breathalyser Guide to private security sector Free GSOC membership Black bin bags for old mobile phones Plenty of whitewash

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SUMMER SCHOOLS GUIDE

Summer schoolzz 1

Magill Summer Schoolzzz Come and listen to some of the most boring men imaginable (and some women) droning on and on about the imminent collapse of capitalism, post-Brexit apocalypse dysfunction and the prospect of irretrievable cultural decline on a global scale. With Fintan Tool, Colm... Read more »

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COUNTRY DIVIDED OVER TIME CHANGES

Arlene Foster

FOLLOWING the EU’s controversial decision to end seasonal clock changes, Ireland is still undecided about which time zone is better for the country. “It would be profoundly serious if two different time zones were to exist on the island,” said justice minister Charlie Flanagan yesterday.... Read more »

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NEW LOOK HSE TO THRIVE

Simon Harris SlainteCare

Health minister Simon Harris moved to reassure the public last night that a reconstructed HSE “will easily cope” with half a dozen simultaneous debacles if the current structure is broken into regional jurisdictions. “Rest assured that every regional head will have had vast experience in... Read more »

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MORE WAREHOUSES FACE CLOSURE

We're Closed sign

By our security insurance correspondent Heidi Hole The cost of insurance is having a detrimental effect on the warehousing business, with many in the sector threatened with closure in the near future. The most recent closure came as a particular shock to the industry. And... Read more »

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WAREHOUSE CLOSING DOWN SALE

Guns-r-us

Nobody does it better!Never-to-be-repeated bargains! Nine revolvers Four semi-automatic pistols Sub-machine guns Glock pistols Assault rifles 1,355 rounds of ammunition 42 balaclavas, black Assorted ‘Scarface’, ‘Sopranos’ and ‘Love/Hate’ DVDs So bite the bullet now and try to get here before the Garda. Free ‘Arsenal’ replica... Read more »

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HOW SLÁINTECARE WILL WORK

Medical matters

Nurses: Regional staff will enjoy the option of individual walk-outs or waiting until discontent spreads and joining an all-out national strike. Beds: Punters, sorry, patients will still enjoy access to no beds for six days in line with established practice. Grievances/complaints: Patients who have been... Read more »

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NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES

books

Mary had a little lamb Mary had a little lamb, with fleece so shiny white It followed her to school one day to learn to read and write But uniform and books and quill cost a grand at least Oh how the mums and dads... Read more »

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POST-BREXIT MEDIA CHAOS AFTER OCTOBER 31ST

Panic

IT’S NOW likely that every one of the country’s leading companies will pull out of Ireland en masse if there is a no-deal Brexit on October 31st. “Ireland is facing its greatest crisis since the foundation of the state,” said Rebecca Crisis of the Irish... Read more »

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URSULA VON DER LEYEN WUNDERFRAU

Ursula von der Leyen

Who is she – the new president-elect of the European Commission? A former gynaecologist and mother of 14, Ursula von der Leyen has left European capitals abuzz this week as she prepares to take on the EU’s toughest job. After a distinguished 23-year career in... Read more »

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MY WIMBLEDON

Whenever I think of Wimbledon, it always brings back painful reminders of how I have chosen to serve, only to be called out and said to be at fault by the assorted bas***ds who chose to betray me for their own political ends.Alan Shatter Anything... Read more »

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THOSE SCHOOL GENDER DIRECTIVES

male and female sign gender

History to be replaced by theirstory Manholes on premises to be designated personholes Geography to avoid focusing on any one place in favour of a more fluid approach Pink salmon and bluefin tuna to be replaced on school menu with grey mullet Biology to be... Read more »

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THE DAILY TORYGRAPH – MEET MY TEAM!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t Yikes! Just days to go before the ghastly Mrs May finally rides off into the sunset, leaving yours truly in charge. So who are my team? Let me introduce them: First up is the PM, the head... Read more »

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ORANGE PARADE ROUTE ANNOUNCED

Orange parade

Departing from Tango Avenue, the march will proceed in a God-fearing straight line to Crimson Street, where it will swing right past the third set of police barricades. It will then trample across the barricaded entrance to Papist Mews, during which the band will strike... Read more »

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WORKING FOR PENNEYS!

sweatshop

Child workers all over impoverished areas of Asia proudly raised their voices in celebration this week as Penneys, an Irish company that has been providing employment in the regions for years, celebrated 50 years in business. “We work for pennies,” they chanted, while banging the... Read more »

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EU/MERCOSUR BEEF MENU

NON-STARTERS Old Ma Hogan’s Scrambled Egg (on face) MAINS Meat Ballsup with mishy mash Imported Beef in a chlorine jus Steaks (are high) SWEET TROLLEY South American Bread Rolls JUST DESSRTS Gaucho Fillet (of wallet) With deep-fried Oodles of Cash Rich (Argentinian) pickings Brazil Nuts... Read more »

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THAT SINN FÉIN RESHUFFLE

Sinn Fein logo

Fianna Fáil outreach: Mary Lou McDonald Poppies: Liadh Ní Riada Active age: Gerry Adams Leadership material: Pearse Doherty U-turns: Martin Ferris? Designer stubble: Eoin Ó Broin Annoying Simon Harris: Louise O’Reilly

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DEFENCE FORCES PAY RISE “ESSENTIAL”

Paschal Donohoe

by Our Industry Staff Phil Front-Page Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe yesterday defended the decision to abandon the pay cap in the public sector for the country’s defence forces. Speaking on RTÉ, he said, “It’s absolutely vital that we give the army a little more... Read more »

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LEO’S CARDINAL SIN

Leo Varadkar

The Catholic Church has demanded a swift apology from Leo Varadkar following his controversial comments about the organisation. During a heated Dáil exchange, the taoiseach compared Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin to a “sinning priest”. This prompted uproar among members of the clergy, who were... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714a

StD-3714

Mink Conor McGregor Kept in battery cages Keeps getting battered in cages Distinctive pelt Pelted bin at bus Hunted for fur Hunted by press Related to weasel Relates to Dana White Hides used for clothing Unable to hide from trouble Promoted as ideal fur brand... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714

StD-3714 a

PRINCESS HAYA MARY ROBINSON Royalty Acts like royalty Acts like Robbo’s friend Claims to be the princess’s best friend ever Wannabe horsewoman Wannabe stateswoman Really annoys Sheikh Mohammad Really annoys lots of people Considers herself more important than the other wives Considers herself more important... Read more »

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BORIS TO BOUNCE INTO FAI SHOCK!

Trap Boris

WHILE THE FAI has dismissed suggestions that Boris Johnson could be the next chief executive of the troubled organisation, the rumour refuses to go away. The one-time shoo-in for UK prime minister has watched his poll ratings plummet on foot of a high-profile ‘off the... Read more »

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THOSE FAI RECOMMENDATIONS IN FULL

FAI Logo

Dramatically change culture of Irish soccer by qualifying for tournaments Glenn Whelan to be banned from staying in the same position for longer than eight years John Delaney to only be allowed sing Kate Bush songs Women’s football to be taken seriously (sort of) Climate-change... Read more »

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BORIS: NEARLY THERE!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t Phworr! What a totally historic time for Bojo to finally take his rightful place in the No 10 hot seat. And let me just pay tribute to my distinguished predecessor, Mrs Mayday, who has been an eminently... Read more »

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