Category: Craic & Codology


Israel flag

It is with great regret that we see our Irish friends sniping at us as we soldier on with hosting the Eurovision Song Contest.

These boycott calls that have exploded on the scene have been levelled at Israel unjustifiably. Allegations about our alleged treatment of our Palestinian neighbours have been blown up out of all proportion and continue unjustifiably to occupy news headlines without a tack of truth.

Arrest assured that these cheap shots are not gunner trigger any changes in our efforts as we march on, expelling any doubts and evicting any scepticism around our ability to capture the world’s attention with an all-conquering Eurovision.

This is now within our sights and our ‘Pals’ should retreat from advancing any further assault and take their bullet points with them!
Hopefully, before it is too late, they will reach a settlement with their consciences and hunker down to watch the show.

Tank you,
Dee Molish,
Israeli TV for Victory




  • I found Take Me to Church a tad self-indulgent actually
  • He isn’t exactly prolific with his one album every five bloody years, is he?
  • Given how much he cares about the homeless, what’s he doing swanning around America?
  • Bet he ends up like Bono, lecturing us all


  • The great thing is he is so down to earth
  • My cousin brushed off him accidentally and her cough was cured instantly
  • He’s the exact opposite of Donald Trump
  • He actually ‘gets’ what being a woman is really about

That Climate March in full

protest march


Una Mullally

By Una Mullawful

For me, the Brexit turmoil brings back the awful memories of my harrowing childhood in the republican ghetto of south Dublin.

Virtually all aspects of my life were caught up in showing support for ‘the cause’.  Nowhere was this more evident than in school.

Each subject in the educational curriculum was geared towards placating the rabid republicans who populated the student population.

Home economics consisted of knitting balaclavas for the volunteers. Art class meant painting walls with murals of Gerry Adams. Geography lessons meant burning books that contained partitionist maps.

Anyone who expressed preference for Eastenders over Glenroe faced ridicule and aggression. I myself was ostracised by my contemporaries for expressing an interest in Doctor Who.

I dreamed of one day escaping this stifling mental torture and joining those who appreciated the superior culture of our neighbouring island. Luckily, I’ve found refuge at the Irish Times.

My only hope going forward is that the younger generation won’t suffer the same discrimination I have. Guest columns in the Guardian and regular media appearances are just a fraction of the cross I have had to bear.


Conor McGregor

Americans were “following every precaution and remaining behind closed doors” last night as the threat of Storm Conor continued to hang over the country.

The latest trail of destruction saw one man have his mobile phone swept from his grasp and smashed on the ground by what the nation is calling “the most notorious accumulation of hot air our country has ever seen”.

Last year, Conor swept through New York, leaving a trail of destruction, including some severely smashed windows in an underground car park.

“It’s a total freak show man,” said one gentleman huddled in the rear of his locked garage in San Francisco. “Conor may be 3,000 miles away at the moment in Florida, but Ireland was 3,000 miles away too and within hours all hell broke loose. Wind has incredible power!”

Phoenix Shatter


Mick McCarthy

Republic of Ireland gaffer Mick McCarthy says he is confident that his players know exactly what they have to do as he approaches the opening Euro 2020 qualifiers against Gibraltar and Georgia.

With no room for friendlies and training limited to just a few sessions, many fans feared the squad would struggle to take on board the new manager’s message.

“Nay, mo accen’ assen bin a problum ferdy lads adawl,” reassured the former Barnsley defender yesterday. “Dayno waddeye wandfrumdem. Um ‘andy wi’ me ‘and signals, me. Ah lurned dat frum Roy longtimeago.”

Festy - Patrick's Day 2019



Lionel Messi has been named Irish Player of the Year by the Football Association of Ireland (FAI). The Barcelona ace said he was “absolutely thrilled” with the honour but also slightly confused, having never donned the green jersey in his career.

An FAI spokesperson said the decision to award the Argentina captain was part of a new policy of recognising foreign talent.

“We already named Declan Rice Young Irish Player of the Year last week and sure he’s a Tan. And because we’re not producing much in the way of talent these days, we thought we might as well recognise the achievements of a genuine superstar. Class is class.”

Bernie - Teddy


vatican pope

THE Catholic Church has been rocked by new revelations that a religious sub-culture may exist at the Vatican. According to reports, there is a shadowy circle in the Church hierarchy who openly say Mass and engage in intense prayer sessions for hours at a time.

“Obviously, there’s a lot of back-scratching and self-congratulatory orgies,” says a Vatican insider, “particularly when discussing the Pope’s public appearances. But recently a group of us took a break from organising nightclub meet-ups on Grindr and came across a couple of priests casually talking about clerical matters.”

Meanwhile, following Pope Francis’s suggestion that feminism is “machismo with a skirt”, the Vatican have angrily dismissed claims of a sexist outlook. “I am totally progressive,” said one outraged priest. “I was just saying so to my housekeeper the other night whilst we were discussing child maintenance payments.”

“Brexit deadline extended to 2092” – Page 7

euro dinosaur



1st Driverless Caravan
Peter Casey, Liam Neeson, Ivan Yates, taxi drivers and assorted populist pundits

3rd Ecumenical Bandwagon
Mr Fintan Tool, Mrs Mary McAleese, Ms Mary Robinson and Ms Sharia O’Connor

4th-Rate Stretch Limousine
Lifesize cardboard cut-out figures of 32 smirking government ministers currently abroad on urgent business in various exotic hot-spots
(That’s enough parade. Ed.)


st paddy flying


Leo Varadkar

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that additional investments will continue in a number of essential national projects, including the country’s largest drain. Speaking on Newstalk radio this morning, Mr Varadkar admitted that government agents had made “scandalous” mistakes in estimating the costs of the National Drain, which is situated in Dublin on the controversial St James’s site.

“Despite the initial miscalculations about expenditure,” said Mr Varadkar, “this vital facility fully deserves an extra €2 billion top-up boost in tribute to its inexhaustible capacity for absorbing huge sums of public money.”

The taoiseach also outlined proposals for future investment in the national broadband plan.

“Leading drain experts have advised us that the country needs to make substantial sums of money available to roll out a world-class broadband infrastructure,” continued Vlad. “This exciting project will involve a private-public partnership with costs spread over the next 50 years at least.”

Harris Hole in the Ground


Union Jack black white

Should the UK remain a member of the EU?
YES [ ]  NO [ ]

Are you absolutely sure, seeing as the earlier referendum was such a total fiasco?
YES [ ] NO [ ]

Should the UK adapt the Norway option, allowing everyone to live in Norway, where people are much better off?
YES [ ] NO [ ]

Should UK voters adapt the Canada-plus plan to finally escape the utter boredom of Brexit by moving to Canada?
YES [ ] NO [ ]

Should Mrs Mayhem drive off a cliff and set new date for third referendum?
YES [ ] NO [ ]



By Phil Space

Unlike everyone else paying tribute to the great composer and conductor on this very sad weekend, I will never remember the moment when I met André Previn. The intense feeling of excitement when he walked onto a stage was something I never experienced.

Indeed, it’s all the more difficult to encapsulate the qualities of such a musical icon in mere words on a page – particularly when you’ve never known him. It seems inadequate to rely on André’s Wikipedia page, which is filled with the usual details of his meteoric fame in a glittering career that spanned film scores, classical and jazz.

Of course, many of Previn’s beautiful ex-wives – including the actress Mia Farrow – have paid their own tributes, describing André as an “incomparable husband” and “one of a kind”.

Although countless tributes have flooded in from the showbiz world about Previn’s legendary appearance on the Morecambe and Wise Show, the fact that I have no recollection of ever seeing this hilarious comedy sketch only adds to my inconsolable grief.


Alan Shatter

Former justice minister Alan ‘Allah’ Shatter says he hopes his vindication by the Supreme Court that he wasn’t “even half as bad as some people might have made out”, will “bring hope to victims of torture, oppression and demonisation throughout the world”.

“If even one victim of injustice languishing in a cell takes courage from yesterday’s verdict, my years of intense suffering will have been worth every second. I am Alan and I have spoken, earthling,” concludes the humble martyr.

Spotify - Catherine Day


Kate O'Connell

by Our Rail Correspondent Dee Lais

THE controversial MetroLink plan through Ranelagh is now expected to be shelved indefinitely due to growing opposition from local residents.

Despite the National Transport Authority’s initial claims that the €3 billion project would boost the economy by an enormous made-up number, prominent political figures have been lining up to express their concerns about the proposals.

“Everyone agrees that we desperately need an expensive state-of-the-art, high-speed link between leafy Dublin South and other parts of leafy Dublin South,” said Fine Gael TD Kate O’Connell. “But do we need it immediately? That said, it’s absolutely essential for talented politicians like myself who are going nowhere fast.”

Meanwhile Green Party leader Eamon Ryan has also condemned the proposed link, saying, “It’s completely unsound on vague environmental grounds – particularly because it does not involve eco-friendly bamboo rickshaws.”


  • Intricate system of costly rail tunnels
  • €90 billion 16-lane motorway flyover
  • High-rise bandwagon for Eoghan Murphy
  • No noisy disruption near the homes of TDs

    Fighting with my Family


Denis O’Brien

Denis’s worried face says it all. A hard-working trillionaire and media mogul, he has now been left with a hefty legal bill after losing his defamation action against the Sunday Business Post.

He needs all the help he can get and it’s up to us to provide it. As the man who gives us such brilliant publications as the Sunday Independent, we have to do all we can to support this visionary businessman and all-round colossus of modern culture and society.

Please give what you can – Denis deserves nothing less. Simultaneous candlelit vigils will be held at the INM offices and Denis’s Malta base this weekend.

deAn - 2 fire


Josepha Madigan

There is growing alarm over a disturbing new online phenomenon known as “the Fine Gael challenge”. Voters have been advised to exercise caution if they encounter any of the brief clips, which usually feature the likes of Leo Varadkar, Josepha ‘MoMo’ Madigan and Simon Coveney spouting guff and urging the viewer to vote for their party.

“I’ve never seen anything as horrific as the National Children’s Hospital overspend,” said a leading psychologist last night. “The housing crisis is a total horror show as well and Ireland’s crumbling transport infrastructure is a shocking sight. Anyone who encounters this upsetting material should give it a wide berth.”

Meanwhile, people have also been advised to look out for another disturbing figure – known as “SiMoMo Harris” – who has been making an increasing number of TV and radio appearances, where he is usually engaged in a ghastly PR offensive.

Keane - running down the clock


Trump Kim-Jong-Un summit

by Our Diplomatic Staff Hans Shake

FOLLOWING the latest summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, the North Korean leader declared the meeting a success.

Before returning by train to Pyongyang, Mr Jong Un told reporters: “The American dotard is a power-mad despot. We speak the same language, so everything went exactly to plan during our three-minute photo shoot. The only slight problem was when he mistook me for a short-order commis chef and insisted I get back to the kitchen.”

The US president said he had thoroughly enjoyed visiting Hanoi and played golf all the time. Speaking through an interpreter, Trump expressed his satisfaction about the progress between the States and Northside Korea.

“I have a lot of experience signing awesome agreements with troublesome foreigners – but these were usually pre-nups,” said Trump. “As for Kimmy, who wouldn’t be impressed by such a narcissistic megalomaniac? I mean, this bozo’s a really horrible dictator with ridiculous hair – what’s not to like?”

Festy - 3705


Michael Cohen

Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has stunned Congress by revealing that the president is “not to be fully trusted”. Among the other sensational disclosures, Mr Cohen also alleged that:

  • The president wasn’t a very nice person
  • He didn’t always think before he spoke
  • Trump sometimes bullied those around him
  • He wasn’t completely faithful to his wife
  • He made inappropriate advances to Kim Jong Un in Hanoi
  • He surrounded himself with proven lawyers


Retro tv icon

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Documentary about a group of trainee priests hitting the nightclubs around Rome. TV3 9pm
FIGHT CLUB – Behind the scenes look at life in the Social Democrats. RTÉ One 10.30pm



Took over from his father Took money from his father
Has nuclear arsenal Talks out of his arse
Close to China Close to Russia
Avoided flying to Vietnam Avoided Vietnam War
People are malnourished People accuse him of malfeasance
Travels by train Presidency going off the rails




Roisin Shorthall

The world of Irish politics was rocked last night after no one resigned from the national executive of the Social Democrats. The shock development follows on from the controversy surrounding council election candidate Ellie Kisyombe’s backstory.

“I have been backed into a corner and left with no option but to remain on the national executive,” said a party member in a statement last night. “I accept this is a major departure from how we usually do business. However, I look forward to working with my colleagues until they all hand in their resignations. I myself will be remaining in situ, at least until I get a chance to check out the Sunday Times next weekend.”

Meanwhile, Róisín Shortfall – one of half-a-dozen co-leaders of the party – has said she “looks forward to leading our party into the local elections and eventually going the way of Renua and the PDs”.


funny house

Calls were growing last night for the occupants of a very large house in Dublin to be “incentivised” to downsize and make the premises available for urgently needed social housing.

The building, known as Leinster House, is widely considered “a waste of space” by all who have seen it. Said one neighbour, “I believe a bunch of old codgers mostly use just one large room where they play games and sleep, but even that’s nearly empty most of the time. It would be great to see some lively, bright, ambitious people moving in there.”


John Delaney

It’s ludicrous even to consider removing a man who has been doing a really good job against all the odds! We need more people like brave Arrizabalaga in football, even if he had to stay there for ever and ever.
– John Delaney, CEO, Fossil Association of Ireland.

Micheál Martin

The back-up keeper is the real hero here. Wisely he remained calm in the background while the lesser men fumbled. That’s the sign of a real leader!
–Micheál Martin, manager Fianna Fáil Disunited

Norman Jung - mistrial


Sumo Jockey

Schmidt Storm
This thoroughbred jumper has found the going very tough in 2019 having lost ground to his opponents. While still considered to have a kick, many experts are now accusing him of being a one-trick pony.

Shattered Dreams
This bad-tempered nag is considered to have had a complete ’mare since 2014 when he was put out to grass. Following a recent stewards’ inquiry, he received the all clear, but his best days are probably behind him.

Theresa’s Target
Her status has suffered following a series of embarrassing performances in the Brexit stakes. Racing officials are also concerned over who holds the title deed after the DUP falsely claimed to have owned her.

Dancing With The Stars
Early potential was brutally crushed when DWTS riders were accused of shamelessly flogging a dead horse and going through the motions. If substandard performances persist, euthanisation is the only option.


Leo Varadkar

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has offered an apology to the Dáil after a government construction project came in on time and under budget. The shocking development comes after costs for the National Children’s Hospital have sky rocketed to €23 trillion.

“Despite endless searching, we were unable to find a tender that would go wildly over budget,” a contrite Vlad told the chamber. “But we are hoping to proceed with a new hospital built out of solid gold within the next 12 months. We have a located a prime green-field site on Skellig Michael and are confident that the cost to the Exchequer will run into hundreds of trillions.”

In response, Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin offered a stinging criticism of the project, which he said he still fully supports.


Operation HSE

Simon Harris

Simon Harris

In this brilliant new edition of the legendary board game, you must try to carry out an operation whilst contending with endless controversies and distractions, including a nurses’ strike, children’s hospital overspend, protests outside Simon Harris’s house and general disintegration of the health service. It’s just like the real thing!


Operation Transformation

With the hit RTÉ show having determined Leo Varadkar’s metabolic age, its latest test measures the expected level of bolloxology from leading personalities versus their actual output.

PASCHAL – Weight: 22 stone

Fat Paschal
Bolloxology levels dramatically greater than expected, especially in relation to explanations of cost over-runs at national children’s hospital. Chronic addiction to sugary PR.

MIRIAM – Weight: 27 stone

Fat Miriam
Exceptionally high bolloxology levels thanks to ubiquitous media presence. Coverage of legal action against Facebook over face-cream ads filled newspapers to bursting point.

JOHN – Weight: 25 stone

Fat Delaney
Record-breaking bolloxology levels thanks to sundry factors, including gargantuan salary, massive failures (League of Ireland, Aviva stadium debt, World Cup qualification campaign etc) and fat chance of Euro qualification. Has a 95% chance of giving Irish supporters a pain in the rear end within next 12 months.

deAn - work on arms


Josepha Madigan

AND IN that land there dwelt an ambitious woman of culture and occasional piety named Josepha who was known for her angelic voice and radiant presence. At an early age, she had a dazzling vision of the future and chose to join a self-righteous religious order led by the Blessed Vlad of Varadkar.

This saintly lady then entered the Pearly Gates of Leinster House, where she took a holy vow of celebrity. Converting to populist causes, she selflessly devoted all of her days to Godly work, smiting the unwashed multitudes, removing alms from the poor and seeking out the women’s vote at every opportunity.

And Josepha even entered a city-centre temple accompanied only by hordes of lowly media scribes. And when no priest was in sight, she sallied forth, mounted the pulpit and led the faithful in a solemn reading of the Good Book of Fine Gael.

And from that day forth, her shrill words rang out: “The time has come for powerful charismatic females like myself to utter the clarion call for women priests,” she shrieked. “For verily, this latest wheeze of mine is bound to divert attention from the party’s woes over all those countless cock-ups in the HSE.”

And lo, Josepha finally found the mass following she always craved and her shameless self-promotion was bestowed with favour in the Blessed Media.

Cold Pursuit



By Our Health Staff Anna Din

THE HSE was plunged into renewed crisis last night when new figures were released showing that some low-price tenders for additional construction projects on the controversial children’s hospital are delayed for “up to 28 weeks” before being processed.

Said one irate building contractor, “I was sure that my highly competitive figure of €99.99 would be successful as usual, so you can imagine how I felt when I was left waiting for months before the Minister’s senior officials accepted my low-balling bid to construct a state-of-the-art multi-storey car park (consultants only). It’s just a total disgrace.”

Responding to this latest complaint, the HSE acknowledged that, while the delay was regrettable, they were confident that normal service would be resumed very soon.

“The public has to understand that, with so many bargain bids in the pipeline, it’s inevitable that there will be a huge backlog,” said a spokesperson.

“However, we are working around the clock to reduce the current build-up of 78,000 tenders and we will be looking favourably on all of these over the next few weeks. ”


Union Jack


There was nothing new to report today as the search continued to find a solution to the Brexit impasse between the UK and the EU.


  • What will happen next? We don’t know – p2
  • Is José Mourinho about to take charge of Brexit – p3
  • Tasty post-Brexit recipes (without canned food) – p4



Life-size statue discovered Discovered to be completely lifeless
Born in the Netherlands Born yesterday
Lifted siege in Derry Lifted siege against Simon Harris
Associated with province of Orange Associated with red faces
Married to Queen Mary Married to confidence and supply
Dumped after theft Could be dumped after local elections
Fought battles in the North Refuses to fight battles in the North


Guinness Clear

GUINNESS marketing executives have claimed that the launch of Guinness Clear (0% Alcohol, 100% Bullshit) means anything is now possible.

The new product is the latest brand from Diageo’s experimental Open Chequebook Brewery, where many products aimed exclusively at hipsters have been developed to varying degrees of success. Lagers such as Cool Mountain Cash-In and the IPA (Incredibly Profitable Ale) Wallet Stretcher have, however, failed to deliver the number of new easy-spending, bearded customers that had been anticipated.

“When we couldn’t come up with an obvious sure-fire money-spinning marketing concept, we toyed with the idea of developing a really delicious beer, but that didn’t last too long. In the end, it had been staring us in the face all along!”

It turns out that the best Guinness marketing minds combined to effect what they call “a paradigm shift”, resulting in the creation or “evolution” of Guinness Clear. With just one ingredient – it really is 100% bullshit – the “gamechanger” aims to convince drinkers that Guinness wants to keep them hydrated and in control. “If they swallow that,” explained the marketing master, “they’ll swallow the rest of our guff without question. The sky’s the limit.”

Phil-Witte - ants



Awright geezas!,
Gawdon Bennet, wot a pile ov grief I’ve ’ad scratchin’ me loaf whether to tog out fer jolly ol’ Engerland or fer Éire!

I’d all the faaamly wadin’ in wiv advice like ya wouldn’ Adam an’ Eve! Then Oirish Mick come round wiv the normal Keano, an’ the gaffer Gareth Southgate’s only been on the dog ’n’ bone rabbitin’ large in me ear’ole as well!

Don’ get me wrong, I luv Éire, an’ I’ll be Brahms ’n’ Liszt on the ol’ Vera Lynn ’n’ tonics wiv the best ov ’em on Paddy’s Day! I’m gonna miss the craic, especially wiv the other Keano gorn now an’ everyone relaxed an’ sleepin’ well again.

But at the end ov’ the day, with the romance ov playing for Éire with Dave O’Leary in the grave, I’m gonna throw myself to the three lions, where I ’ear the grass is greener, innit!


Fintan O'Toole

AS I sit down at my agreeable writing desk to create my daily Irish Times column, I am wondering what on earth I can say about Brexit that I have not already said. But, in a sense, that simple conundrum goes right to the very core of the UK’s sadly misguided crisis in these uncertain times.

In all modesty, it strikes me that my momentary lack of ideas is a reflection of the sheer vacuity of the current political discourse across the so-called European Union. Thankfully, there is still at least one leading intellectual commentator who can speak with the authority of winning the prestigious Orwell Prize and who can – ipso facto – regurgitate discerning opinion pieces ad infinitum.

EU Council President Tusk is hopelessly mistaken regarding his inflammatory remarks about the special place in hell for Brexiteers who have no plan. As I explained only yesterday, it’s likely that Satan has installed several hundred RHI furnaces in anticipation of welcoming all of the participants involved in these tedious negotiations.

Mrs May’s post-modern “Tír na nÓg-plus” option for leaving the EU immediately reminded me of the subliminal coincidence that she and Mr Tusk should share a common interest in imaginary worlds. Is there any greater visceral reminder that, after Brextinction, we will need a whole new political ecosystem? My vision, of course, is of an island without cultural frontiers.

How else can we avoid the likes of renewed racial frenzy in the shameful wake of actor Liam Neeson’s recent outburst? Sadly, this egotistical Hollywood star has a limitless belief in his own importance and frankly I – Fintan Tool – feel sorry for him.

(Continues like this for 5,000 words.)

Festy - Brits Out


Liam Neeson

Exclusive to all newspapers

Demands are growing across the real world and in Britain and America for a major investigation into Irish actor Liam Neeson’s past. The calls follow suspicions that the deranged thespian may have shot civil rights leader Martin Luther King, poisoned Nelson Mandela and drowned Shirley Bassey before almost certainly strangling Black Beauty and eating the body. (Great start! – Ed).
Or if he didn’t actually do these things, he certainly would have, which amounts to the same thing in the minds of all right-thinking people.

We may never know the full horror of what this would-be racist, misogynistic cannibal did as he prowled the streets with his guns and crossbows looking for black victims to set alight. (Shocking stuff! – Ed.)

But we sure as hell can make a good guess at it from this week’s gut-wrenching evidence and graphic social media testimony.

It’s sickening to think that this monster, who we now know liked to act out violent fantasies on film (I actually threw up at Excalibur! – Ed.) and caused riots all across Brixton just because a black woman wouldn’t give up her seat to him on a bus… (That’s enough Neeson – Ed.)


Newstalk Logo

Peter Casey

Peter Casey

“Listen to reason. I grew up in Derry in an ordinary family where we all had to pull our weight. My DNA is exactly the same as all this so-called Traveller DNA. We’re both Irish, so where does all this talk about ethnic status come from, eh? I’m completely in favour of equality – which means none of this special treatment for people who aren’t like me.

My grandfather was a kindly soul. His watchword was fair and immediate punishment for all – particularly shirkers. No wonder the country is currently crying out for a tough-talking leader who will speak out against our sick society.

Just take a random example of violence in a typical Dublin suburb. Imagine it. A brutal thug is acting aggressively in an unlicensed Hiace van, running amok and attacking elderly ladies in a leafy street in Dublin 4.

I’m not saying that the mugger is a Traveller. Don’t forget that I support the rights of every Irish citizen, so long as he aspires to our decent middle-class way of life. But let’s say for argument’s sake that this vicious criminal is someone who lives on an illegal halting site. The gardaí may or may not catch the offender and he may or may not end up in court. End of story.

I make no bones about it. I’m a Christian and proud of it. Of course, I could take issue with Jesus on several issues. He’s soft on sin and completely wrong about the meek inheriting the earth. As for turning the other cheek? Kiss my white Irish arse!”

Vogue poster