Category: Craic & Codology

COVENEY REPORTS ON VISIT TO TEHRAN

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One long weekend in Tehran later, and yours truly has succeeded in moving the Middle East one step closer to long-lasting peace. Diplomacy is all about establishing common ground. After President Rouhani discussed the difficulties of working under an oppressive, seemingly unstable leader intent on clinging to power, I shared with him the stark realities... Read more »

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‘WE’LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH OUR “LIVING WITH COVID” PLAN’, SAYS GOVERNMENT

Michael Martin

In anticipation of botching several key aspects of the recently announced ‘Living with Covid’ plan, the government has urged patience. Micheál Martin said: “The public need to be more forgiving of mistakes. We’re being forced to deal with an entirely unique situation; one that hopefully won’t occur for another century at least – and that’s... Read more »

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RTÉ FORMER STAFFER NEWSLETTER SHOCK

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The national broadcaster has refused to apologise after a newsletter containing sexist jokes, circulated by a former staff member, was brought to the public’s attention. A spokesman for RTÉ said: “Current and former staff should know better than to try their hand at comedy. Anyone familiar with our recent output would know that humour is... Read more »

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NOEL GREALISH CHIPS IN

Noel Grealish

Controversial TD Noel Grealish has recommended Clifden’s Station House Hotel as a quarantine location. The premises hit the headlines last year when Deputy Grealish and several other members of the Oireachtas Golf Society breached Covid-19 protocols while attending an event. But in a surprise move, the Galway West politician said he couldn’t praise the hotel... Read more »

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‘MY “BORIS BURROW” PLAN’ – JOHNSON REVEALS ALL

Boris Johnson

I’m absolutely delighted to announce this incredible new tunnel wheeze between Northern Ireland and Scotland. The key thing to remember is that the fantastic ‘Boris Burrow’ is certainly not a shameless Tory glamour project. Surely not! This fantastic example of top-notch Brit tech is pretty complex. Boffins assure me it will be as watertight as... Read more »

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BEHIND THE STARS OF ONLYFANS

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Dr Leo Hunky doctor who never shies away from exposing his naked ambition to his many fans in the media. However, his awful bedside manner has meant he struggles to gain popularity with the general public. Micheál Martinez High maintenance diva characterised by a notorious thin skin and other chronic inadequacies. He has been rapidly... Read more »

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LATEST HSE MUTATION ‘CAUSE FOR CONCERN’.

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GPs and nurses in Ireland say they are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ at what appears to be a new mutation of the country’s Heath Service Executive. Said one doctor in Galway: “This latest strain is very worrying. The rate of transmission of information about what we’re supposed to be doing and where the vaccines are is... Read more »

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DUP COMMITMENT CRITICISED

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The DUP’s proposals to repeal certain aspects of the recently introduced abortion laws have prompted widespread international criticism. Defending their decision to bring the proposals to Stormont, a party spokesperson said: “The DUP has a set of moral values that we must stick to. When it comes to policy implementation we have a proud history... Read more »

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‘PLEASE RESPECT OUR PRIVACY’ PRINCE HARRY’S HEARTFELT APPEAL

Harry and Megan

Of course, Meghan and I totally understand the worldwide interest in our amazing fairytale lives. Even more so now that our second baby is due. But we really don’t want to be defined by a shallow Disneyworld celebrity image. Instead, we devote ourselves to bringing the happiness hormone to all of humanity, so we’ve completely... Read more »

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GREENS FIRE IRE

fire

Green Party activists have called on environment minister Eamon Ryan to delay his plans to implement a tough crackdown on fossil fuels. Under the proposed legislation, flammable materials would be subject to strict regulations and in most cases would disappear overnight. Many party members fear this could have a devastating impact on the Greens, with... Read more »

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EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS – RURAL MEN WEALTHY

Healy-Rae

Healy-Rae TDs are multimillionaires 2-3 Pics of properties and farmland owned by brothers 4-5 Pics of Kerrymen in funny caps 6 Left-wing deputies express outrage 7 ‘Why-oh-why’ letters and tweets 8-9 Pope Francis admits ‘I am RC’ 10 Embarrassed bears confess to woodland evacuation 13

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DRUMM RETURNS

David Drumm

An atmosphere of panic prevailed across Ireland last night as news emerged that released convict David Drumm had offered to “lend a hand” to a man painting a door. The incident sent Irish stocks into a nosedive, as tens of thousands of bank customers rushed to withdraw their savings. “It’s our worst nightmare,” said a... Read more »

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TIGHT RESTRICTIONS TO REMAIN

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Government sources have confirmed there will be no loosening in restrictions until at least May, with ministers not allowed to disappear from RTÉ until they have appeared on every available TV and radio programme. The coalition intends to continue shamelessly spinning its handling of the pandemic, as well as the slow vaccine roll-out and the... Read more »

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LEINSTER HOUSE REVEALED AS HOME OF THE YEAR ENTRY

Civic Buildings

This property came to public prominence during the Deval-era. Features include: • Living-cum-games room • Back-burner (overloaded) • Collection of antiques (Labour Party) • Hot air heating (fuelled by chamber debates) • Curtains for Fianna Fáil • Stone walling (Sinn Féin) • Ryancliner’ cosy sleeping chair • Recently expanded printing room • Microwave for reheating... Read more »

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IRISH RUGBY PRAISED FOR SOCIAL DISTANCING EXAMPLE

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By Stan Back and Rohl Over Health experts at home and abroad have heaped praise on the Irish rugby team for their outstanding example in fighting the spread of Covid-19. “We all know that social distancing is difficult to maintain over long periods,” said one Dublin health expert, “but the Irish players showed it can... Read more »

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TRICKED!

Tricked!

RULES Set out to rescue the Princess Latifa Turn off any ‘Mna na Emirates’ quotes Land on nice lunch but miss go if order booze Keep talking about your book and roll again Take a photo with the princess, then tell the media she’s grand and in the loving care of Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid... Read more »

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NO EXIT FOR ULSTER BANK ARTICLES

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There will be no wind-down in the amount of Ulster Bank articles being churned out in the Republic of Ireland. Editors have said that business hacks will continue to pen Q&As, boring analysis and essential fillers such as ‘How will the Ulster Bank exit affect my sex life?’ “These articles are money in the bank,”... Read more »

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BLOODLESS, TOOTHLESS AND UTTERLY FECKLESS’ IRISH COUP CRITICISED

General Martin

There has been widespread international condemnation of the government coup in Ireland, with the cut-throat Fianna Fáil junta installing General Mee Hawl Martin as leader. Despite failing to secure an electoral majority amid collapsing support, Martin now heads up a puppet regime controlled by the shadowy Vlad Varadkar. Martin appears regularly on national TV, most... Read more »

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POIGNANT VALENTINE WISHES FOR 2021

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Michael O’Leary to Tony Holohan I know my tantrums cause you pain And leave you quite astounded But deep inside I know you care And that’s what keeps me grounded. Micheál Martin to Leo Varadkar I know we both feel this is wrong I know it feels taboo But I love this bond we’ve made... Read more »

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BRUXELLES BRUSSEL

Phil Hogan

Penthouse Suite, Waterloo Golfo Deluxe Phil Hogan writes… The fiasco over Europe’s handling of the vaccine roll-out and the climbdown over Article 16 is humiliating for all involved. Without getting into the blame game, Mrs McGuinness and Ursula von Trapp spring to mind straight away. Is it a coincidence or what that everything was game... Read more »

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NEW BORD FÁILTE MARKETING MOVE

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Ireland – The Land Of Céad Míle Quarantines This summer, why not give your spirits a lift with a holiday in the Emerald Isle? Our 5-star attractions will ensure you have an unforgettable experience, from the moment you are securely locked into your hotel to the day you are let out again. Among the many... Read more »

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“NOT A TIME FOR GLOATING” – BORIS

Boris Johnson

HAHAHAHAHAHA Just because the UK has soundly beaten Johnny Foreigner again in getting to the vaccines first does not mean that we need to gloat about it. There’s nothing new about the EU’s soft belly raising its ugly head, of course. Take Ursula VDL, for starters. I mean, who on earth does this seriously deranged... Read more »

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MORE GREAT STRATEGIC MOVES FROM VON DER LEYEN

Ursual Von der Leyen

Improve football by banning Lionel Messi. Suspend all Netflix viewing during pandemic. Pubs to remain permanently closed after Covid era. More RTÉ comedy shows. Further pay increases for senior civil servants. (That’s enough Von Der Leyen – Ed.)

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SUNDAY WORST – EXCLUSIVE: DANIEL KINAHAN ‘A BIT DODGY’

Daniel Kinahan

A sensational BBC investigative programme last night revealed that the notorious Kinahan is a bit suspect. ON OTHER PAGES Bear defecates in woods (p6) Pope Catholic (p8) Gardaí launch PR offensive insisting they’re winning against Kinahan cartel (p11)

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POST DELAYS

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Brexit and Covid-19 have resulted in massive delays to packages arriving from the UK. Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces experiencing delivery anxiety: Stephen Donnelly I placed a huge order late last year for some medical supplies from a very credible EU source who has failed to deliver. I’m getting a lot of grief as... Read more »

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FÁILTE IRELAND LATEST

Ring of Kerry

Fáilte Ireland is hoping people will take multiple staycations this year, with the tourism body chiefly targeting TDs and senior civil servants. “Election to the Dail is certainly conducive to a life of leisure,” said a spokesman. “This summer should be a boom time for local economies, as deputies pile up tabs around the country... Read more »

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GARDAÍ TO TARGET MEN PAYING FOR ‘UNSAVOURY ACTS’

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By Con Dumb, Security Correspondent A crackdown on those who solicit seedy hook-ups is being prepared and will target lobbyists feeling out TDs in and around the Dáil. Intelligence gathered by the gardaí shows an increase in deputies prostituting themselves around major events, such as the passing of legislation affecting big business. “There is some... Read more »

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THAT VACCINE ROLL-OUT SCHEDULE

Vaccine

March: At least 30,000 more excuses from government for delays. April: Mícheál Martin to ramp up media appearances explaining latest failures. May: Leo Varadkar to be rolled out on Prime Time. June: Coalition commits to delivering 50,000 extra press conferences before year-end. July: Country gets another dose of Stephen Donnelly. (That’s enough roll-out – Ed.)

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EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS – “I’M NOT JUST BONO’S DAUGHTER” SAYS BONO’S DAUGHTER

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A woman who has a role in a new Netflix drama series was the subject of countless filler articles in this week’s newspapers. All the stories were about her relationship with her famous father, an ageing Irish rock star. On Other Pages Article about the woman and her famous father – p2 Pics of woman... Read more »

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O’LEARY ‘SPREADING FEAR’ SHOCK!

Michael O'Leary

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has strongly rejected accusations of telling ‘scare stories’ and spreading ‘mass hysteria’ to the general public. The allegations came after the mega-rich businessman repeatedly prophesied that his airline would be “operating normally” again by summer. “It’s a very distressing thought”, said a Kerry mother of four, “especially when people’s mental health... Read more »

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GARDAÍ ACCEPT NEW CHALLENGE

Garda

An Garda Síochána has accepted a challenge from members of the public to solve some crimes. In a video shared on the official garda social media pages, officers are seen wearing their uniforms and carrying out investigative work. Recently, gangland figures and sundry criminals have been gleefully dancing around the force, apparently with impunity. “Seeing... Read more »

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DONNELLY ‘CRACKS’ GP VACCINE ROLL-OUT

Stephen Donnelly

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has praised himself for finding a solution to the logistical difficulties surrounding delivery of vaccines to remote GPs. “Ensuring that these vaccines are delivered safely throughout rural Ireland requires an excellently administered supply chain,” said the under pressure minister. “I’ve brilliantly decided to appoint Leo Varadkar to oversee this process. The... Read more »

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GAMESTOP: WHY DON’T THEY LISTEN TO ME?

David McWilliams

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to know that stock markets are not for faint-hearted day traders. Take the latest GameStop frenzy, for instance – something I’ve been forecasting for decades. Sure, we all love a feelgood story about plucky underdogs... Read more »

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CHURCH OFFERS SUPPORT FOR MANDATORY QUARANTINE

Magdalen asylum

With pressure mounting for the government to introduce strict quarantine measures for people travelling into Ireland, the Catholic Church has lent its support to the idea. “It would obviously be logistically very tricky to find suitable accommodation to quarantine so many people,” said one priest. “Fortunately, we are offering our services to the Irish government.... Read more »

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NEW VARIANTS DETECTED

Dept of Health

Public health experts have expressed concern at the variants the Government is offering on the same tired old excuses. The unconvincing explanations are being offered for a variety of abysmal failures, including schools remaining closed, sky-rocketing Covid cases, further leaks and a collapsing health service. “This highly transmissible new strain was first detected during a... Read more »

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WHITE HOUSE YARD SALE!!

White House Yard Sale

Why not snap up a few items of American history! Items include: Boxes of cleaning products (labelled medical supplies) Tanning bed (heavily used) Building materials for a wall (unused) Brochures for Four Seasons Landscaping Boxes of tax records (shredded) Complete collection of Stormy Daniels’ filmography Collection of letters from pen-pal (Kim Jong-un) McDonald’s loyalty card

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