Category: Craic & Codology

HSE EXPECTS SURGE IN CASES

Exponential Feature

“The number of people infected with the virus has been roughly doubling week by week in most affected countries,” said health minister Simon Harris. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit that maths isn’t my forte,” he continued, unveiling a hastily constructed graph, “But if... Read more »

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NEW EURO PLAYOFF SHOCK

Mick McCarthy

By Emmet Baloney Amid speculation that Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff against Slovakia may have to be played behind closed doors due to coronavirus fears, there is now additional concern that Ireland may not turn up for the fixture. However, team boss Mick ‘Big Mick’ McCarthy... Read more »

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GOLD CUP CHELTENHAM FRONTRUNNERS

Horse racing

Goldhawk examines some of the favourites for this year’s Cheltenham festival: The Pianist Owned by Ireland’s most high-profile powerless couple, Frank McNamara and Theresa Lowe. The Pianist has been having a complete ‘mare over recent years and still has many hurdles to face. Verdict: Don’t... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

Pope

Greetings from your ultra-liberal Pontiff. What freak weather events for the flock in Ireland. Yes, it is rare for God to comment on political matters, but I can tell you that he has verily expressed his views at the awful post-election tedium. But why have... Read more »

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MY BRILLIANT CAREER – SHANE ROSS

MY BRILLIANT CAREER – SHANE ROSS

Extracts from the upcoming ‘tell all’ book about political life in Ireland April 2011 – I was barely inside Leinster House when Enda came begging for my advice on running the country. Despite his countless limitations, Kenny sensed that I had the necessary flair to... Read more »

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HARRIS’S CORONAVIRUS MESSAGE

Coronavirus Harris

A continuing threat to the elderly and infirm that shows no signs of disappearing – that’s right, my tenure as health minister continues. Unfortunately, it thus falls to me to lead our response to the spread of the Coronavirus. Affected countries are saying their hospitals... Read more »

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IRFU’S CUNNING PLAN

IRFU new logo

Following Ireland’s drubbing at the hands of the English, head coach Andy Farrell has conceded a new approach is needed. As such, the IRFU has decided to contract Bono as an ambassador and will be sending him to visit all upcoming opponents. “Morale in our... Read more »

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‘BRENDAN O’CONNOR IS THE FUTURE,’ SAYS RTÉ

Brendan O'Connor

RTÉ bosses say the recruitment of journalist Brendan O’Connor to replace the late Marian Finucane and to present a new TV panel show next summer “is clear evidence that the station is meeting the demands of younger audiences”. A spokesperson for O’Connor said, “Brendan is... Read more »

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SHIP RUNS AGROUND IN IRELAND

FF Ghost Ship

Desperate efforts are continuing to re-float a bulk carrier that hit the rocks in the Emerald Isle. Reports say the carrier, known as the MV (Mostly Vacuous) Labour Party, came to grief after being all at sea for several years. “It was being towed along... Read more »

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IS THIS YATES’ FINAL POEM?

Ivan Yates

I will arise and go now And go to AIB And settle a small dispute there That will save me financially And I shall have some peace then No more Virgin or TV3 Or shouting abuse at panelists Sure, t’was always about me.

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CRISIS LOOMS FOR IRELAND’S BEST OPINION COLUMNISTS

Picture by HonS - https://www.flickr.com/photos/62693815@N03/ Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Since the election there has been much political hand-wringing over the plights of assorted vulnerable groups, including cash-strapped renters, the cash-strapped homeless and the cash-strapped homed. However, among the pleas for parties to set aside their petty differences and form a government, it seems that... Read more »

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PIPPA O’CONNOR’S CORONAVIRUS STYLE GUIDE

Pippa O'Connor

It’s funny how fads change from season to season. This time last year everyone was raving about animal prints; now it’s all about the Coronavirus. You can’t go a minute without hearing talk about it. Well, don’t worry, I’ve got the inside tips on how... Read more »

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MARY LOU EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Mary Lou McDonald

by Groan Harris With our nation still mourning the demise of our perfectly functioning two-party political system, I sat down with Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald to discuss their electoral success. Groan Harris: Were you as shocked as I was to see how well Sinn... Read more »

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JOHN BLANDVILLE: QUEEN FLED TO STALINGRAD TO ESCAPE RURAL IRELAND DURING WW2

John Banville

John Blandville’s latest book proposes a pet theory that the Queen and Princess Margaret were forced to flee from rural Ireland during the Second World War. Having briefly been sequestered in Tipperary to escape the Blitz, the royal children demurred, saying they felt as if... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 OSCARS

Oscars

Least-supportive candidate: Catherine Noone Most animated short: Brendan Howlin Best fantasy screenplay: Each party’s housing promises In memoriam: Regina Doherty’s political career

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ASTRAL PHENOMENON EXPLAINED

Shane Long

By U Ranus Astronomers have reassured the public that a ‘blue moon’ sighted over London last week is not a portent of doom and disaster. Thousands of consumers had been stocking up on vital supplies amidst fears that the deep blue orb in the sky... Read more »

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SAINT VALENTINE’S DAY TOUGH LOVE MESSAGES

heart and love

John Delaney to FAI  Our parting was so cruel and swift Though some ghouls found it funny I‘d not survive being cast adrift Had I not got your money! ♥♥♥♥♥ Joe Brolly to RTÉ  Words were said, assertions made And I misused my tongue But... Read more »

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EAMONN HOLMES COMES OUT AS ‘JEALOUS OF PHILIP SCHOFIELD’S PUBLICITY’

Eamonn Holmes

Eamonn Holmes has revealed his struggle to come to terms with the amount of publicity Phillip Schofield has been receiving lately. “As an occasional presenter of This Morning, I thought I’d grown used to living in Phil’s shadow,” wrote Holmes in an emotional Instagram post.... Read more »

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ENGLAND TO SECEDE FROM SIX NATIONS RUGBY

England rugby captain B Johnson

By our rugby correspondent Sal R E Capp The RFU has announced that the England rugby team will withdraw permanently from the Six Nations Championship with immediate effect. “We decided that we will no longer abide by the rules of rugby as played by the... Read more »

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ALL-PURPOSE ELECTION POST-MORTEM

harp

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL POLITICAL PARTIES 1. The Six Nations diverted voters from the one outstanding election issue facing the country – namely, giving their first preferences to (insert party name here). 2. The media were completely against us from the start. 3. A lot of... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 – MESSAGE FROM LEO VARADKAR

Leo Varadkar

Spring is in the air and there is surely a spring in the step of every Irish citizen, as it’s election season. While touring across Ireland during this campaign, I have been greeted by hundreds of people on the streets. I will admit that, due... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 – AN ELECTION FOR ALL*

FF Banner

Ireland is a nation of people with long memories – specifically, people who are likely to remember what happened before 2011. Unfortunately, many of these are unlikely to vote Fianna Fáil. That’s why we are happy, following an extensive consultation with a company specialising in... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON

dictionary

Candidate: Brash stranger with inane grin who ruins your evening Party policy: Aspirational promise to do something that will never happen Cabinet: Large cupboard stocked with alcohol to blot out election nausea PR: Official party manifesto Doorstep pledge: Patent untruth Baby: Useful prop for candidate’s... Read more »

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ELECTION 2020 POSTERS

Election Posters

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GANG WAR ERUPTS ACROSS NATION

Gang War

Ireland is on near lockdown as a vast gangland feud spreads rapidly across the country. The escalation in the war of words and empty threats is a result of a renewed battle for national supremacy among Ireland’s leading gangs. Numerous smaller factions have been drawn... Read more »

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‘TIME TO TAKE THESE MARAUDING GANGS OFF OUR STREETS’

Gang War

By Ava Go and Phil E Buster Outraged communities living in fear are today calling for ‘zero tolerance’ of these ruthless gangs brazenly plying their trade on the streets of the country’s towns and villages. The calls come amid growing concerns that many people now... Read more »

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MARIJUANA USE PLUMMETS OVER NEGATIVE ASSOCIATIONS

Gang War

The one point of optimism through this escalating crisis has been the news that marijuana usage throughout the country has plummeted due to a recent spate of negative publicity. “Sure the government has tried all sorts to try to stamp out drugs in Ireland,” said... Read more »

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EX-GANG MEMBER SPEAKS

Bailey Silhouette

We guaranteed the interviewee’s anonymity I was a member of the Fine Gang – until I was told to leave. When you join, everyone in a gang stresses how everyone looks out for each other, that you’ve joined a family. Well, that was true, until... Read more »

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SLY SPORTS NEWS – BOXER QUITS

Kevin ‘Boxer’ Moran

Kevin ‘Boxer’ Moran has announced he is leaving Independiente, the team currently sponsored by Alliance. In an interview with Shannonside Radio on Monday, the Longford-Westmeath striker said he will be without a club for the next game, standing on the touchline rather than togging out... Read more »

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SINN FÉIN DEMANDS UNITY POLL

But only people in the Republic of Ireland will be asked to vote! Mary Lou McDonald of Sinn Féin has called yet again for a unity poll. This time, however, she is suggesting that only people living in the Republic of Ireland will be asked... Read more »

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SINN FÉIN FACEBOOK UPDATE

Sinn Fein Facebook

For far too long the most vulnerable in Irish society have been overlooked and abandoned by those in power. They have remained near-voiceless and ignored by a callous elite. It is time for a change to this terrible state of affairs. Leaving aside RTÉ’s deplorable... Read more »

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FEARS AS VERONAVIRUS SPREADS ACROSS SOUTH WEXFORD!

Virus

Election canvassing in South Wexford has been thrown into disarray following a new outbreak of a deadly infection known as the Veronavirus. The condition was thought to have been eradicated following an initial outbreak last November but has now re-emerged. Experts say the re-emergence is... Read more »

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POLL OF POLL (OF POLLS) UPDATE

bar poll

Compiled by Our Political Polls Staff Phil Spreadsheet How the latest polls stand 32% would prefer to see less of David McCullough than Miriam O’Callaghan – although 81% wanted neither 53% of the population thought that Henry McGee had even less to say than Miriam... Read more »

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POLLS ARE MISLEADING: VARADKAR

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has dismissed the latest opinion polls, insisting that they are nothing more than a reasonably accurate indication of how people are likely to vote in a general election. As support for Fine Gael continues to remain flat, Mr Varadkar stressed that it... Read more »

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FINTAN TOOL: WHY OH WHY ARE PEOPLE SO GULLIBLE?

Fintan O'Toole

As I once said to my close friend Sam Beckett, political life attracts attention-seekers. All these self-styled candidates will say absolutely anything if they think it will secure refuge in Leinster House. The same applies to our coterie of government ministers, who typify the crass,... Read more »

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REJECTED ELECTION SLOGANS

Election

Fine Gael: What if we commemorated Cromwell instead? Fianna Fáil: All politics is yokel PBP/Solidarity: Taxing your patience since 2011 Sinn Féin: Who’s worse, McGregor or Hooligan? Labour: Ugh, we give up Green Party: The sky is falling Aontú: We won’t last nine months either ... Read more »

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