Category: Craic & Codology

JOHN BANVILLE FAVOURITES

John Banville

Favourite film: When a Stranger Calls Favourite song: Would I Lie To You? (Charles and Eddie) Favourite TV shows: Scandi noir Favourite book: The Ego Has Landed Favourite bird: Gull Favourite sweet: Humbug Favourite exercise: Leg pulling Favourite food: Gammon Favourite psychological condition: Stockholm Syndrome

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DELANEY IN SENSATIONAL CODE SWITCH

Delaney

by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box In a sensational development, the FAI announced John Delaney’s resignation from his long-time position within the association. A brief statement confirmed that Delaney will take up a new post as IRFU executive vice-president (Bridging Loans Division) with immediate effect. Rugby... Read more »

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SHANE ROSS’S RUGBY WORLD CUP MENU

Shane Ross

Breakfast Egg chasers with hangers-on Full of beans around Joe Schmidt Toast after next election Lunch Buttering up IRFU Constantly in the soup Cheesy grin for photographers Dinner Brazen head of cabbage Fish out of water Pretentious ham Dessert Taking the biscuit Jammy dodger Creaming... Read more »

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KIDS THREATEN THE SURVIVAL OF MANKIND

Greta Thunberg

By Ian O’Dotty, the fearless face of reason Surely it’s beyond time to stop this runaway Thunberg train in its tracks before it carries us all over the cliff edge of doom?! In my day, if you snapped back at your elders in the European... Read more »

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BUDGET 2020 – WHAT THE PARTY LEADERS WANT

Calculator

Award tax cuts to our early rising friends in the corporate sector’s upper tiers naturally, but we simply must incentivise the proles to put in an extra effort by ring-fencing a guarantee that they will not be forgotten in Budget 2024, subject to Brexit. Read... Read more »

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SHATTER’S LIFETIME OF MISTREATMENT REVEALED

Alan Shatter

by P.T. Mee Former justice minister Alan Shatter has revealed dozens of new injustices against him spanning his entire life, according to leaked legal letters addressed to the universe. The letter, in Mr Shatter’s handwriting, calls for hundreds of apologies, beginning with an incident in... Read more »

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LAST YEAR’S BIG SPENDERS

Banker burning money

The country’s highest-spending government departments last year Department of Justice: €9.6 billion Garda overtime on vital anti-kidnapping patrol duties in Cavan Breakdown and recovery of squad cars Legal fees re Denis O’Brien’s various court challenges CCTV of Maria Bailey’s swing Department of Transport, Tourism and... Read more »

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RUGBY WORLD CUP- AN APOLOGY

Rugby

Some of our objective analysis may have given readers a misleading view of our estimation of the Ireland rugby team. Headlines such as ‘Schmidt’s wonders to win World Cup’ and ‘We need fear nobody in the final’ could have sparked a perception that we saw... Read more »

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THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BUDGET

David McWilliams

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to see Budget 2020 for the weak-kneed semi-conscious creature that it is. Our mealy-mouthed finance minister, Paschal Donohoe, has always prided himself on being cautious... Read more »

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DID NOSTRADAMUS PREDICT THE END OF LYRIC FM?

Nostradamus

A deepening sense of doom spread across Ireland last night as astrologists and music fans alike realised the full horror implied by a quatrain written by the world’s greatest seer 500 years ago. Nostradamus’s Quatrain 96.7FM reads: “The joker Rose of Mont will be without... Read more »

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BORIS: BOG OFF!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes! What an absolute hoo-ha over a complete shower of fuddy-duddy judges ganging up on Bozza and saying that I told a lot of porkies to the queen. Tosh and poppycock! Otherwise, it’s been all go preparing... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3720

StD-3720

Incredible Hulk Boris Johnson You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry You wouldn’t like him Green-skinned Thin-skinned Hounded by a journalist Hounded by journalists Full of muscles Outmuscled by Supreme Court Ferocious temper Ferocious waffler Mild-mannered alter ego Ego is never mild Always rips his... Read more »

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TV PROGRAMME ENDS SHOCK!

Xpose

by Our TV staff Dee List An early evening entertainment programme featuring fashion, beauty and showbiz gossip is being shelved after 12 years on the air. On other pages C-list celebs from the very first show C-list celebs from the final show 250 pictures of... Read more »

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THE DAILY BORISGRAPH

Boris boxing

Yellowhammer scare-mongering! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t What a terrific tip-top week for yours truly in the midst of the political maelstrom and coming out smelling of roses on all fronts! Talk about out-smarting the Westminster oiks and fighting the deadly enemy on... Read more »

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AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH

Joe Brolly

THE starry-eyed expression and familiar smirk speak volumes about his troubled period. Although he has done everything humanly possible to avoid publicity, Joe (his real name) has been experiencing unspeakable dangers over recent times. Despite a lifetime of selfless service to the public at large,... Read more »

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JAPAN 2019 – THREE MEN TO WATCH

Rugby-men-1

Ardie Haka Weighing in at just under 37 stone, the New Zealand No 10 shirt is a force to be reckoned with. Haka has already carved out a successful career for himself by converting opposing wingers from well within his own 20-yard line. Yutaka Sushi... Read more »

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JAPAN 2019 WORLD CUP EXCITEMENT REACHES FEVER PITCH

Rugby WC logo

by Our Entire Staff With the Rugby World Cup just days away, unparalleled numbers of Irish fans are erupting in a frenzy of eager anticipation. Sports minister Shane Ross has strongly advised supporters travelling to Japan over the next month to make themselves fully aware... Read more »

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PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIPS WINNERS

Ploughing Champs

Reaping what you sow: Labour Party meitheal Milking it: Maria Bailey co-operative Making a pig’s ear out of everything: Farmer Eoghan Murphy Making hay while the sun shines: Landlord gang Letting grass grow under feet: Farmer Harris Producing bull manure: Farmer Johnson

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ADVERTISEMENT – GREALISH SPONGE

Sponge

Are you keen on maintaining an uncontaminated environment? Then worry no more, thanks to the amazing Grealish Sponge The only heavy-duty cleansing agent you’ll ever need! Home-grown product guaranteed to get rid of all undesirable matter Mops up unwanted spillages, including trickles of Syrians into... Read more »

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NOEL GREALISH DEFENDS SPONGING

Noel Grealish

By Mai Grant THERE IS growing pressure on Noel Grealish to resign from his Dáil seat following a series of controversial statements and embarrassing evidence of cult-like behaviour in the past. During a public meeting about the proposed opening of a direct provision centre in... Read more »

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THAT FÉILE 2019 LINE-UP

Creed Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step. The House Martin Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of... Read more »

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THOSE NEW STORM NAMES

storm clouds

Storm Phil Known for very dark clouds and likely to play havoc with water supplies. Threatening gloom across British Isles as it mingles with the trade winds. Cyclone Roy The most unforgiving pattern of all, typically recognised by an icy chill giving way to extremely... Read more »

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HEAVENLY EXCLUSIVE – MIR.I.AM TIP-TOES BACK TO THE CHURCH

Miriam O’Callaghan

Mir.i.am – the TV presenter formerly known as Miriam O’Callaghan – has revealed (phwaor! – Ed) that she is tip-toeing back to the church. “It’s true,” she says. “I cannot lie. I have been making secret visits to my local church on my own in... Read more »

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THOSE 2019 CULTURE NIGHT EXPERIENCES

Culture night logo

HSE Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t. Éir Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling... Read more »

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JOHN BOLTON FAVOURITES

John Bolton

Favourite film: World War Z Favourite song: Invaders Must Die, The Prodigy Favourite TV show: Empire Favourite animal: Hawk Favourite food: Yellowcake Favourite weather: Desert Storm Favourite strike: Pre-emptive Favourite exercise: Arms race Favourite hobby: Smoking guns Favourite plant: Bush

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TV LISTINGS

Keith Barry

The Keith Barry Experience – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Join magician Keith Barry as he shrinks RTÉ’s audience share before your very eyes. He will also attempt to hypnotise programme schedulers into giving him another series. The Restaurant – Virgin Media One, 9.00pm: Phil Hogan reminiscences... Read more »

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SINN FÉIN LOTTO WIN

SINN FEIN Thumbs Up

by Our Financial Staff – Phil Coffers A PROMINENT political party leader based in West Belfast today collected one of the biggest-ever lottery wins in recent years. At a public ceremony in the city centre, a smiling Michelle O’Neill received a cheque for £1.5 million... Read more »

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ELECTRIC CAR TIPS

Shane Ross electric car

Motoring Expert Shane Ross’s Guide to Futuristic Driving Q. Is Irish motoring changing radically? A. Absolutely! Beyond recognition thanks to the latest progressive initiatives by the transport minister. Q. Will self-drive cars be available soon? A. Yep! It’s happening right now with ministerial vehicles in... Read more »

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RTÉ AUTUMN TV HIGHLIGHTS

Ryan Tubridy

Coping with Climate Change Montrose documentary that asks the vital questions. Will RTÉ disappear beneath the waves as viewers drift away? Why is Ray D’Arcy’s audience shrinking faster than was thought? How much more hot air can we expect from Brendan O’Connor? Is it possible... Read more »

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COMPULSORY SIMON HARRIS

Simon Harris

Parents across Ireland say they will strongly resist any attempt to make Simon Harris compulsory. “Simon would be a great shot in the arm for the country for decades to come,” noted one FG lackey yesterday, while another observer noted that the baby-faced minister “very... Read more »

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EPSTEIN ‘DIDN’T KNOW’

article-default

By Terry-Bell Cad RELATIVES of the late Jeffrey Epstein say his name is being “dragged unfairly through the mud” and insist the disgraced pervert moneybags “had no idea” that Prince Andrew was a member of the British Royal Family. Speaking from one of the late... Read more »

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MICHAEL CREED FAVOURITES!

Michael Creed

Favourite Film: Hamburger Hill Favourite TV show: The Price is Right  Favourite Band: The Flying Pickets Favourite Song: Can’t You Hear the Cows, The Turtles Favourite Comedian: Angus Deayton Favourite Hobby: Bullfighting Favourite Food: Curry favour Favourite Exercise: Hand-wringing Favourite Politician: Jack Straw Favourite Body... Read more »

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McILROY FAILS TO F**K UP

article-default

GOLFER Rory McIlroy stood accused last night of having little regard for the livelihoods of journalists. The accusations followed the County Down man’s $15m victory in the FedExpensive Cup in Atlanta. The win side-swiped commentators, who had been poised to knock out mocking articles highlighting... Read more »

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THE ROAD TO JAPAN 2019

Micheál Martin

Micheal Martin Rugby is very like politics, with lots of mauling and dragging guys down. I’ll be watching the props in particular – the better I become at propping up, the longer I’ll have a job. Shane Ross If we protect our wicket like I... Read more »

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TOPICAL WORDS – COMPILED BY DICK SHUNARY

dictionary

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of words that have suddenly become newsworthy Prorogue To discontinue a session of (a parliament or other legislative assembly) without dissolving it. Pro rogue To be supportive of a rogue (a dishonest or unprincipled man).

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KRISPY KREME SPECIALS

Donuts

To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market: The Schmidt This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering. The Deasy Crusty lump... Read more »

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