Category: Craic & Codology


HSE logo

THE Minister for Health has promised to solve hospital overcrowding this winter by introducing a “new and innovative approach”.

Winter Plan (in full)

n Sick people to remain at home during the cold winter months
n Wrap up warm and watch Casualty and Doctors on TV
n Fast-track treatment for people who bring their own bed
n Increased focus on acute facilities/cute pictures of Minister Harris

(That’s quite enough Winter Plan – Ed.)

Newstalk Casey


Leo Kylie new CD

* Especially For Me
* I Believe in Publicity
* Spinning Around (as usual)
*Can’t Get EU Out of My Head
* I Should Be So Lucky (for now)

Singalong with Leo this Yuletide (…or else!)





Revival of the classic kitsch musical about a rebellious aristocratic Tory MP who falls passionately in love with himself. Trouble starts when he tries to act cool in front of his unruly pal Boris. Slick toe-tapping numbers include ‘Euro The One No One Wants’ and ‘Hopelessly Out Of Touch’.

the snowman

The Snoreman

Enchanting seasonal story of a faceless cartoon figure suddenly brought to life. For a few magical hours, Jeremy Corbyn enjoys flying round the airwaves, but is never quite able to decide what to do about Brexit. Heartbreaking final scene when Jeremy’s half-hearted political policies all melt away to nothing overnight. Features the evergreen theme song ‘Walking on Thin Air’.

mamma mia

Mamma Maya!

Simple story of a naive girl whose dreams of becoming a popular dancing queen turn sour. Sadly, she spends years trying to discover which of the three possible outcomes to her post-Brexit strategy is the right one. But everything goes wrong as none of them can be trusted. Everyone is left in tears as Theresa sings ‘S.O.S.’ and ‘Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! A Job After Midnight’. (That’s enough theatre – Ed.)


Red Christmas decorations

The Roy Keane team motivator kit


From conkers to Champions League, whatever game you’re playing at, fine tune your side’s determination with this unique motivation package from Ireland’s utmost sidekick!

Each kit contains:

  •  Three ferocious beards – seething stubble, growling growth or bristling bush
  • 75 reasons why your charges are a useless bunch of w**kers!
  • 25 threatening stare techniques, from ‘up your b****x’ to ‘Alf-Inge Haaland’
  • 12 short fuses
  • One P45

Price: Only €700,000 a year. (Cork accent not included.)

Arlene Foster Boots

Orange boots

Eliminate the danger of being blown off your feet by winter storms with this ultra-adhesive footwear!
Crafted by heterosexual cobblers using traditional Middle Ages techniques, each boot is made from 100% reinforced lead infused with glue manufactured from the gut of extra-stubborn Scottish mules.
No matter which way the wind blows or how strong the Gae … er, gales, you will remain firmly rooted to the same spot, going nowhere until long after the storm subsides.
Only €19.20 a pair

Available in orange parade, ash-grey or blood red. (Not suitable for moving forward.)

Peter Casey blow dryer

Hair dryer

This functionary souvenir of the 2018 presidential election is a ‘must-have’ gift for the political animal in your life!
This unique figurine not only complements any sideboard, but doubles as an easy-to-handle hair dryer.
Select the preferred setting (choice of one) and enjoy endless streams of hot air. Press it again and it broadcasts a message while emitting even more hot air!
Made from 100% recycled Farageum, extracted from the rich seams of Trumpylvania.
Cheap at only 23.5%
Caution: May damage the hairs at the back of the neck
Not suitable for children or adults

“My advice is don’t buy this” – Leo Varadkar


Banker burning money

Q: What is the purpose behind this initiative?
A: To correct the grave misconception that all bankers are greasy-palmed, money-grabbing vultures. In fact, some are not.

Q: How do we know this isn’t a well-planned PR stunt to win back respect after a litany of scandals?
A: Going forward, the fact of the matter is that the skill sets acquired by banking practitioners with a view to promoting a fit-for-purpose, best-in-class, state-of-the-art banking sector going forward (You said that – Ed)

Q: Does all this mean you will open a second window for cash transactions?
A: No.

Jonesy - Dads upped the ante



Sells out concerts Sells out the poor
Famous for gold pants Famous for being pants
Cheesy music Cheesy administration
Dated INXS singer Dated and excessive
Spinning Around Spinning
Appeared in Neighbours Appears out of his depth
Shifted millions of records Shifted Frances Fitzgerald to backbenches
Can’t get you out of my head Can’t get him out of Government Buildings


Martin O'Neill & Roy Keane

By Neil Alldraw

Gardaí say they are “not at all concerned” after two men, who had been skating on thin ice for some time, disappeared from view yesterday.

Witnesses say the men, known as Martin and Roy, had been “frowning at people and boasting about destroying Italy” for months beforehand.

Said one observer, “Everyone was saying it was about time they got their skates on and they wouldn’t listen, and then suddenly they were gone. Hopefully they won’t resurface around here again!”

It is understood the duo had no terrorist connections.

“They posed no threat to any country for over a year, including Northern Ireland,” assured a Garda spokesman. “They seemed incapable of organising any kind of an attack at all at all, to tell the truth!”

Coppinger pants


StD 3623

Mohammed bin Salman John Delaney
Chops heads off Head is on the block
Speaks Arabic Speaks out of his Aarhus
Intervened in Yemeni civil war Civil war about to erupt if he stays on
Has issued death warrants Signed O’Neill’s and Keane’s death warrants
Autocratic personality Robotic personality
One of the world’s richest men One of the world’s richest men
Vast reserves of oil Excessively oily
Condemned for events in Turkey Condemned for hiring turkeys


Mick McCarthy

Fears are growing about the feasibility of the post-European withdrawal agreement, which was announced this week. 

Under the terms of the Withdrawal Treaty Agreement Framework (WTAF), a transitionary period of two years will be implemented before a hard exit sometime in late 2020.

While the scheme has been welcomed for bringing certainty to a chaotic situation, doubts still remain as to how it will operate in practice. 

Martin from Derry, a recently unemployed sports coach, condemned the deal, predicting it will end in tears. 

“I think John Delaney is taking a massive gamble with this risky strategy that won’t work, but I wish him all the best. By the way, I’m still owed two years’ wages. Just saying.”


Medical Matters - Mary-Lou

This week Dr Old McDonald (SF) ponders an awkward affliction that affects people trying to handle things properly.

As a doctor, I am often asked if there is any cure at all for the condition known as ‘cack-handed’ or notas cleveras gerri as it is clinically known.

What happens is the sufferer fails to grasp the task at hand, is all thumbs and seems totally incapable of getting to grips with things. The longer it goes on, the worse things get. There is a real danger that the victim may even ‘drop the baton’ altogether, resulting in a complete loss of face, followed by verbal diarrhoea and difficulty in swallowing the truth.

Yes I know it’s in my blood, but it’s not my fault I inherited everything! It’s not easy picking up where he left off. There’s all that baggage and… what do you mean you’re leaving? Not another one.


Theresa May

By our dance correspondents: Strick Lee and Twink L Towes

What it is! The backstop is a crazy new dance routine that involves dancers representing Ireland, the United Kingdom and Europe dancing at Brexit speed (Surely “breakneck” – Ed) along a mazy line known as “the hard border”.

How it works!

Ireland, represented by a professional dancer known as The Sequined-clad Vlad, is held aloft and supported by 27 members of the Euro dance troupe, all the while looking down with utter contempt on the UK (represented by total amateur dancer Theresa Maypole).

How it ends!

May performs a somersault, then a few flip flops, then changes her mind and jumps through lots of hoops before Europe pulls support from under Ireland. Vlad then pirouettes and dances a pas de buck (Surely a “pas de deux?” – Ed) with Theresa before she dances all over him.

Next week: it’s back to the Brexstop!


Santa Hat

The North Pole has revealed the most requested gifts from Santa this year:

Subbuteo (Ireland edition) 
Tactical game of risk in which the team’s chief executive tries to deflect attention away from himself and on to the underperforming management team and players. Expected to sell out again and again. 

A House
Urban version of FarmVille in which players attempt to build houses, rack rent, ignore repairs and enrich themselves. Bonus points awarded if Eoghan Murphy is forced to live in his ministerial car. 

Perennial favourite in which a clueless medical administrator (Simon Harris) tries to cope with record numbers of patients while simultaneously clapping himself on the back over the repeal vote.



Peadar Tóibín: Party leader, with special responsibility for promoting freedom of conscience within the party in relation to the abortion issue.

P. Tóibín: Deputy leader in charge of protecting the freedom of conscience of elected representatives, so that they can all fully support the pro-life campaign.

Peter Tobin: Spokesperson on political, economic and social affairs, with particular emphasis on opposing a European army and general all-round EU treachery in advocating abortion.

(That’s enough Tóibín. Ed.)


Peadar Toibin

Favourite film: No Way Back 

Favourite song: Time to Say Goodbye, Andrea Bocelli

Favourite TV show: Party of Five 

Favourite band: Babyshambles 

Favourite shop: Principles 

Favourite cream: Whipped 

Favourite exercise: Skipping it 

Favourite clothing: Belt and braces 

Favourite animal: Swan off 

Favourite food: Eggs 

Wildt - had the persistence


Mary Lou McDonald

Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has hit out at critics who have accused her of “hobnobbing with the super-rich” at a fundraising Christmas dinner in the United States.

Speaking outside Leinster House last night, the Dublin Central TD complained that she was a victim of discrimination and was being grossly mistreated – particularly by Fine Gael.

“It’s a disgrace that they are saying I’m totally useless just because the party keeps making embarrassing mistakes under my leadership,” she told reporters.

That Christmas menu

Egg on Face
Steamed up Cahill
(of beans)
Fishy Mess with Peadar
* * * * *
Series of Turkeys
Beef (with Leo)
Super-rich $400 Steak Ta Ta
Greenbacks (with
* * * * *
Sticky (Post-Presidential) Xmas Pudding
Stewed Pearshapes with Cookies ár lá
Humble Pie (off)
Champagne (in the butt) backside
(More recipes for disaster available in the Grizzly Adams Cookbook)



George Hook

And there lived in those times a loud man, florid of countenance, who was known as “Hooky” throughout the land. Famous for his pompous expertise in rugby punditry and for his fiery utterances on any subject that came into his head, not a day went by when his sermons and moral exhortations were not heard across the airwaves. “Why oh why,” he would preface all his devotional warnings, “must we tolerate this socialist waste and depravity that we see all around us?”

And this saintly figure in his familiar blue shirt attracted a great many followers and filled his private coffers with riches until they were overflowing. But after making some rash pronouncements about the sensitive matters of rape and immigration, George was cast down by feminist mobs of accusers and was forced to devote himself to sitting on a column in the middle of the desert, known as his Newstalk studio.

And lo it came to pass that Hooky grew weary of living in a land of political correctness gone mad, a land where he was not welcomed, much like a prophet in his own town. George huffed and puffed, saying: “Verily, I have run my course and must retreat in a blaze of obscurity to join my long-suffering wife, the lovely Ingrid.”

And there was widespread rejoicing in the land that Hooky had finally taken a long overdue vow of silence.

But the multitudes were sore vexed when they heard rumours that George’s shoes were to be filled a hundredfold by Blessed Ivan of Yates. And so they fell to their knees in agony and cried: “Will no one rescue us in our distress?”





“Single use”, a term that describes a minority or coalition government (Surely “items whose unchecked proliferation are blamed for damaging the environment and affecting the food chain” – Ed), has been named
Collins’s Word of 2018.

New dictionery words include…

posh (adjective – informal)
1. very smart luxurious.
2. upper class. Believed to be an acronym of Prevent Outsiders Securing Houses. See also ‘posh-boy Murphy’.

harris (verb), to keep criticising somebody until they turn into a frightened schoolboy.

dinny (noun), a drink purchased for a government minister without any favour being asked for in return.

lowry (noun), a drink accepted by a government from a relative stranger without any favour  being given in return.

forsey (noun), a large sum of money that looks like a loan, but is suitable only for spending on luxury holidays and new cars.



A great night of back slapping and freebies had by all.

Winners 2018:

Award for Causing Collapse of Criminal Trial and Costing Your Paper Tens of Thousands of Euro – Irish Indo

Award for Biggest News Room Rows – Daily Mail

Best Use of Filling Space in a Paper – The Irish Times Arts and Ideas Section

Prize for Best New Blank Space Lay Out – Irish Independent

Award for Knowing Who the New Editor of The Irish Times is – No Entrants

Most Likely Overall Winner – Someone from the IT or Indo (as we pay for the damn awards)

Scoop of the Year –  Leslie Buckley INM “Checking Email”

New Categories 2020

  • Most Rehashed Stories  in an Hour by Under-payed Intern
  • Best Story by a Robot
  • Last Man in an Editorial Position in the 21st Century

    Aidan Kelly - wi-fi



Skyscraper ronan

Fresh from concluding a mega-bucks deal with Face-off, businessman Johnny Ronan (who is planning to build the biggest ego in Ireland) has vehemently denied that it is a “vanity project”.

“The erection, in the Phallusian style, will be the largest in Dublin,” he pantingly explained.

Already dubbed The Johnny by an anonymous Dublin wag, the exterior will be clad in bright pink tiles and the building will thrust high into Dublin’s skyline.

“With a massive fountain on its tip, the head of the building will contain destination brand names such as the Pirate Den rum-tasting bar, Rosanna’s Nutrition and JR’s of Marrakesh,”
according to the bearded one.




1. Blame it on Boris
2. Red Tape
3. Queuing for a living
4. Stop! Who goes there?
5. Turning back the clock

Non-Friction (Frictionless)
1. Night crossing
2. Smugglers of South Armagh
3. All Clear on the Northern Front
4. The way we were
5. All along the watchtowers


Leo & Mary-Mitchell

  • Professorship of driving a car over the Dáil plinth
  • Professor of how to get Mitchell O’Connor re-elected in Dún Laoghaire
  • Professor of how to put up with being an advisor to Mitchell O’ Connor for more than one day
  • Professorship of making sure MMOC is never demoted again
  • Professor of stupid ideas that get publicity

Festy - Day of the Dead


ruined building

Following the success of its recent rushed schools repair programme, the government has announced that all future schools will be built to this new standard.

Basically, schools will be built of scaffolding covered with a soft mesh, without any annoying inner dividing walls or precast concrete outer walls that could be dangerous.

Teachers – or scaff-staff as they will become known – will be able to see into other classrooms on the same floor, so one teacher will, in theory, be able to watch over two or more classes.

If successful, the scheme will be expanded to cover hospitals, prisons and even housing.



Retro tv icon

Ireland’s Fittest Family – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30PM
Join Kathryn Thomas and some very lazy RTÉ programmers as they run out of ideas,  flog dead horses and try to exorcise the memory of Finding Joy.

Taken Down – RTÉ One Sunday, 9.30PM
A vulnerable prime minister is continually harassed and bullied by a group of boorish Little Englanders. Can she escape from their clutches before it’s too late?


Michael D Higgins

A septuagenarian living in Dublin 8 has won his claim for €1.7m. A Mr Michael Twee claimed he suffered serious reputational and injurious damage as he attempted to cling on to his job.

Witnesses spoke of Twee holding on to a moving state-owned Lear jet as he attempted to piggy-back his way to Belfast.

Twee resolutely refused to stop speaking during his self-imposed ordeal, but many onlookers became tired of an old man reciting his own verse and moved on.

However, the judges found in Twee’s favour and ordered the state to pay him just short of €250,000 per annum for the next seven years. In a five-hour monologue on the steps of the RDS count centre, Twee promised…

(Continued ad nauseam on pages 18-25)

SF poppy lily


Peter Casey

By our election staff Pól Corr

Presidential runner-up Peter Casey says he now blames himself for mistakes made in the presidential election and believes the strategy he adopted cost him the contest.

Reflecting on the campaign during a long-deferred trip to a barber shop, the Derry-born millionaire concedes he “spent too much time and energy” focusing on Traveller and social welfare issues.

“I completely overlooked single mothers, people in expensive jails, refugees, drug addicts, even TV3 viewers,” regrets the dragon, who was sporting a new haircut last night.

“I would have been in the bloody door if I had gone for even two of them!”

The disappointed candidate says he is nonetheless “proud” to have projected a vision for a new Ireland. “Roll on 2025,” he says, cheering up.


Micheál Martin

SDLP leader Colum Eastwood has confirmed his party is in talks with Fianna Fáil about a merger ahead of next year’s local elections. 

This follows on from a series of deeply disappointing election results and the failure of its weak and uncharismatic figurehead to make any meaningful impact with voters. 

While the negotiations are at an early stage, it is expected that Micheál Martin’s troubled party will begin rebranding itself as the SDLP sometime in the new year. 

Eastwood claimed that things were so bad for the soldiers of destiny that they simply couldn’t be allowed to continue.

“Obviously it had come to a stage where something had to be done.  Micheál tried his best but he just wasn’t connecting and it looked like Fianna Fáil were heading for political oblivion. Thankfully the right course of action is being taken,” he said.



  • 0 People who still have confidence in Eoghan Murphy’s housing plan
  • 75 Number of new crannogs to be built by the end of December
  • 44 Fianna Fáil TDs wringing their hands
  • 100 Airbnb vouchers to be distributed to homeless families
  • 49 Fine Gael TDs whistling past the graveyard
  • 60 Years it takes to turnaround vacant local authority house
  • 8000 Photo shoots with Leo Varadkar wearing a hard hat

Podge and Rodge


Fianna Fáil logo

FG logo FF logo
You can’t trust those Fianna Fáil bastards Those Blueshirt bastards are not to be trusted
But they’re still preferable to the Shinners You can say that again
So the best approach is to buy time …and votes
By cobbling together the usual guff in the national interest Always works a treat
It’s Leo’s best hope of clinging on as taoiseach It’s Micheál’s best hope of ever becoming taoiseach
That’s it, then – anything but a general election Phew! Now we’re really talking!



One in three Irish drinkers has binged on alcohol in the past year, says a new Healthy Ireland survey. Binge drinking is defined as having six or more standard drinks in a single session – the equivalent of three pints of beer.

But the really shocking news ish that thish figure could be, hic, shet to double next year. Why? Becaush the definition of binge drinking will probably change to two standard drinks per session! Yesh. One single pint!

Bartenders say they expect that, in future, when one of their regulars is ordering a pint for himself and a couple of his mates, he is likely to ask for “three binges of Guinness”.


Journo awards

FIntan O'Toole

Name: Fintan O’Toole
Publication: Irish Times
Category: Broadsheet cat litter tray
Entry: You simpletons need not fear my superior intellect

Brendan O'Connor

Name: Brendan O’Connor
Publication: Sunday Independent
Category: Sunday bog roll
Entry: Any fool can lose weight. But writing about it every week requires commitment.

Paul Williams

Name: Paul Williams
Publication: Irish Independent
Category: Fairy tales for adults
Entry: Superintendent ‘Snowy’ White and the seven scumbags.



Long, long, long ago last week, when Ireland was a land tormented by great uncertainty, there was said to exist in the northern reaches of the island, a magical creature known as the Backstop.

The only one of its kind in the entire world, everyone spoke about the wondrous animal, which many claimed would cure all the worries of anyone who embraced it.

But despite the Backstop’s great popularity and the eagerness of people from across Ireland and Europe to clutch it to their bosoms, nobody had ever, ever seen or touched it.

Well-known British wildlife expert Professor Boorish Johnstone, claimed to have seen the Backstop in a dream whilst sleeping with someone’s wife and described it as “hare-brained, toothless and, despite having grown legs, definitely a non-runner”. Sceptics however say he was actually describing his pet cat Jacob Rees-Moggy.

Irish people are happy to leave the Backstop, whatever it may look like, in its place forever but British ministers, who think they own it, insist it must only remain temporarily.


Irish Broadband


Mary Robinson

Former president Mary Robinson is standing firm on her call for people to go vegan to tackle climate change. The long-standing campaigner, who runs a climate justice foundation in her name, said she was determined to spread her message about the carbon footprint danger. Speaking in to The Hague yesterday, the former UN High Commissioner warned delegates: “You really have to become more energy-efficient – which is why I am determined to continue flying around the globe telling everyone to stop eating meat.”

Half-baked Recycled Green Policies
Fresh PR Leaks (with huge pinch of salt)

From the Gravy Train
UN Toady-in-a-Hole
Vegetarian Cold Cuts (in a Stew with Irish Farmers)
Rich (pension) pickings (on pig’s back)

Off the Trolley
Steamed-up Sticky (Archive) Pudding
Traditional Eco-Waffle with Fudge Sauce

To Drink
Making a Mint Tea
A Selection of Whine


Doctor Varadkar

It’s another busy morning in Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General, as hospital master Leo Varadkar and his colleagues deal with the combined effects of flu season, Halloween, and the fall-out from a vicious brawl near Áras an Uachtaráin.

Varadkar (seeing yet another patient wheeled in on a trolley): What’s the story with this guy?

Paramedic 1: Severe concussion, we think. He got into a fight with Travellers.

Peter Casey (from trolley): There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m going to be the next president of Ireland.

Paramedic 2: Or it may be an underlying psychiatric disorder. Apparently he’s been behaving erratically for weeks.

Casey: I’m perfectly sane. If not president, I’ll be the next Fianna Fáil taoiseach.

Micheál Martin: He’s clearly off his rocker.

Varadkar: I remind you, Dr Martin, we don’t tolerate language like that in my hospital. Not even from temporary support staff. (He holds his hand in front of Casey’s face). How many fingers can you count?

Casey: Two. And you’re pointing them at the hard-working tax-payer, just like Travellers have done for years.

Paramedic 1 (to Paramedic 2): He’s not wrong there.

Casey: And social welfare scroungers. They’re taking us for a ride too. There’ll be no more of that when I’m leading the country.

Paramedic 2 (to Paramedic 1): This man’s talking sense.

Varadkar (holding stethoscope to Casey’s head and listening): Hmm. It could be just the effects of an enlarged ego.

Martin: Takes one to know one.

Varadkar (to the paramedics): Bring him to the isolation unit for now. Keep him there until we find out if he’s infectious.

Paramedic 1: (muttering as they wheel Casey away): It’s PC gone mad. Oops – I didn’t mean you, Mr Casey.

Varadkar (quietly, to a nurse): You better lock that pair in with him. Whatever it is, they seem to have caught it already.

A bustling corridor, later. Dr Varadkar meets the deputy master, Dr Coveney, who looks worried.

Coveney (handing over file): You need to have a look at this. It’s the pathology report on Mr Khashoggi.

Varadkar (reading): Salmonella?

Coveney: Crown Prince Salmonella. They’re not saying it killed him, but it looks like it was a major contributor.

Varadkar: Well, er, speaking of major contributors, the Saudis have always been great supporters of the hospital. We wouldn’t want to embarrass them, would we?

Coveney: Of course not.

Varadkar: A few stern words will do. Then file that away somewhere safe. Ah, here’s Dr Donohoe, with another file.

Paschal Donohoe (grinning broadly): Have you seen these? Latest findings from Red C and MRBI about this season’s flu viruses. Looks like the big thing could be election fever.

Varadkar: Let’s walk and talk. (As they stroll down the corridor, Varadkar scans the figures). This suggests that, if there was a major outbreak now, certain groups would be more at risk.

Donohoe: Yes. Fianna Fáilers, Shinners and Trots mainly.

Varadkar: Whereas other groups appear to have stronger immunity at this time?

Donohoe: Fine Gaelers and people who get up early, yes. (He whispers) Our sort, basically.

Varadkar: But getting back to these poor, vulnerable groups for a minute, presumably the last thing they need any time soon would be having to go out and knock on doors and shake hands and all that high-risk stuff? So in the interest of public health, we should urge the, er, powers that be to avoid calling an election at this time?

Donohoe: On the other hand, there’ll have to be an election sooner or later. And whenever it happens, there’ll be viruses going round. Only the next ones might be even worse for society as a whole.

Varadkar: Gosh, it’s a difficult moral dilemma, isn’t it?

Donohoe: Not really. The Hypocritic – I mean Hippocratic – Oath clearly argues for an election now. You have to think of the general wellbeing. Or in this case, Blueshirt General’s wellbeing. Let’s face it, that’s what really matters.

Varadkar: All right, let me sleep on it. We need to find out a bit more about the “Casey Effect” before doing anything rash.

The operating theatre, later. Chief surgeon Simon Harris recognises a celebrity patient.

Harris: You’re the man from Dragon’s Den, aren’t you? What has you in here?

Gavin Duffy (face down on trolley): Well, I myself didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that I got slightly ahead of where public concerns were around the challenges we as a people face (he waffles on for five minutes).

Nurse: And while he was slightly ahead of them, the electorate inserted this. (She holds up an X-ray).

Harris: Ouch. A wooden spoon!

Duffy: Do you think you can remove it safely, doctor? I’m worried it will affect my image as a successful businessman and master communicator (he continues waffling).

Harris: Well, I like your presentation and I wish you well.

Duffy: But?

Harris: But wooden spoon removal is not something I have much interest in. And I’m not sure the voters want their spoon back in these circumstances – that’s very much a niche market. So for those reasons, I’m afraid, I’m out.


Luas Horse

Luas surfing

Rush hour contact sport that can be played by up to 1,000 players who risk life and limb grappling with addicts, drunks and school tours on the tram. Points and pay outs are awarded for serious injuries for victims who are prepared to go to the courts.

Border Dancing


Traditional British folk dance involving a lot of clumsy footwork and awkward hand gestures. Recently revived by members of the DUP, whose erratic manoeuvres along the blood red line of the Northern Irish border are an increasingly common sight.

Temple Bar

Temple Bar Paralytics

Weekend youth activity involving multiple groups of stags and hens rampaging through Dublin’s picturesque tourist quarter. The object of the game is to drink more over-priced pints than everyone else. Other activities include synchronized vomiting and fun run-ins (with local garda).

GAA brawl

Tyrone Rules Footy

The object of the game is to leave your mark on the faces of the opposition. Even before kick-off, both teams use their physical skills to prevent any actual gaelic football from interfering with the on-field violence. The losing side will be the one with the greater number of players ending up in intensive care.

National Broadband Football

Daily game of chance in which over a million people in rural Ireland compete to get in touch with their current Broadband providing cartel to complain about delays in accessing their favourite porn sites.

(That’s enough Modern Irish Sports – Ed.)

Phoenix GAA2



By our Paris Correspondent Mara Larlowe

When my editor asked me for a few thousand words about the Jamal Khashoggi I knew, it placed me in a very difficult position.

Should I write that I first met Jamal Khashoggi in January 1992, when we were both covering the military coup that prevented the Islamic Salvation Front winning parliamentary elections in Algeria?

Or about when he told me there was a young preacher called Osama Bin Laden who had helped to drive the Soviets out of Afghanistan?

Of course he might equally have said “Who are you?” or “I have never heard of the Irish Times.

But now, alas, he cannot.


U2 Blues


Martin O'Neill

Republic of Ireland boss Martin O’Neill says preparations are “already well under way” for his side’s crucial encounter with Denmark in November.

“We are using video technology a lot,” the manager reassured. “And Roy now has actual footage of where every player lives and how to get there.

“So if we need to boost anyone’s commitment by calling him a ‘useless prick’, a ‘waste of space’ or maybe just a bog-standard ‘arsehole’, for example, he can go to their house in the coming weeks rather than just ringing them up.”

Spotify Westlife