Category: Craic & Codology

NEW SCAM WARNING

Garda logo

Gardaí have issued a warning over an elaborate scam that involves government ministers attempting to convince the public of the brilliant job they are doing during the pandemic. People from every age group have fallen victim to the ruse, having been convinced by legitimate-looking politicians appearing on Prime Time. “People shouldn’t trust these con artists... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

KENNY TO STICK WITH REVOLUTIONARY APPROACH

Euro 2020 logo

By Emmet Baloney As the countdown continues to Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff with Slovakia next month, new boss Stephen Kenny has insisted he will stick with his radical new approach, which involves players on the team passing the ball to each other. “It’s a concept new to a lot of the lads,” said Kenny following... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NEW GOVERNMENT APPROVED MENU FOR PUBS

article-default

Hard cheese (like it or lump it) Hot potatoes Serious beef with Licensed Vinters’ Association Stephen Donnelly hamming it up Ministers trying to save their bacon Micheál Martin’s goose cooked Publicans’ heads fried (That’s enough menu – Ed.)

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

DÁIL CLASS RETURNS FOR NEW TERM

Returning Class

There were tears at the gates of the Dáil as TDs were dropped off for the first day of the new political year. Some were spotted clinging to the Kildare Street railings, crying over their truncated summer holidays. However, the sight of familiar faces helped most get over their initial bad tempers and many were... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

WARNING OVER DANGEROUS SPREAD

newshounds

Government officials have warned about a rampant new outbreak, impacting vast swathes of the population. Virologists have spoken of hordes of journalists roaming the country, relentlessly seeking parents’ opinions on the reopening of schools. “We fear that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have already come into close contact with these content-starved journalists,” said a... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

GOLFER’S WIFE HAS BABY

article-default

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS The wife of a well-known Irish golfer has recently given birth to a baby girl. Both mother and baby are said to be in good form; the golfer’s form, however, remains a mystery. On Other Pages Full colour pics of blonde wife More pics of golfer’s glamorous ex-girlfriends Readers suffering from... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

PUBLICANS WARN OF ‘CULTURE ARMAGEDDON’

Culture Night Logo

Hard-pressed publicans across Ireland say this year’s Culture Night celebrations will be “a living lie” unless they are allowed to open their premises for the September 18th event. “Everyone knows that Ireland has a long and colourful tradition of drinking to excess before throwing up on the street and picking fights,” smiled a Sligo bar... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

STORM NAMES REVEALED!

storm clouds

Goldhawk takes a look at some of the storms that could cause havoc here and abroad in the future: Storm Phil This European blowhard recently left Ireland under a massive cloud when its presence in the West resulted in a lot of deadwood becoming permanently uprooted. Will probably have to cross the Atlantic to avoid... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3818-14

Theo - Grades challenge

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MICHEÁL MARTIN’S ALL-PURPOSE APOLOGY LEAKED

Michael Martin

A cairde, You will all be aware of the issue surrounding Deputy [Insert name of culprit here], who unwisely attended/neglected to [Name of event/foul deed] recently, when he/she should not have done. Deputy [Whichever one it is this time] rang me immediately after the matter came to light and offered his/her sincerest apology/resignation over what... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

IRELAND TO FALL OFF GOVERNMENT GREEN LIST?

article-default

THE DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS has warned that if Ireland continues to record growing numbers of Covid cases, then they will have no choice but to remove Ireland from Ireland’s Green List. “We are currently on our own Green List, just,” said Simon Coveney at a press conference. “But be warned, if the Irish government... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RTÉ AUTUMN SCHEDULE

RTE Autumn

Media Circus Some of Montrose’s most famous journalistic faces are tasked with running a fully functioning circus. Join Bryan Dobson as he learns how to throw daggers, watch Miriam O’Callaghan juggle lots of new projects and discover how Ray D’Arcy became a clown. The Italian Job Get ready for yet another avalanche of Italia ’90... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

DONNELLY LATEST

article-default

The Department of Health is to organise a new series of podcasts, live-streams and newsletters dedicated to unravelling Stephen Donnelly’s press conferences. An international panel of experts will contribute in the effort to decode the minister’s outpourings. “There was confusion when the minister said 50-person crowds should be kept to a maximum of 20 people,... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NEW RESTRICTIONS FURY AS GAA MELEES FACE NUMBERS LIMIT

article-default

By Archie Bargy There was growing anger in the world of Gaelic games last night after the government’s latest Covid-19 measures limited all fist-fights and other acts of savage activity to a maximum of six participants. “It is blatantly obvious that neither this government nor NPHET have any understanding of GAA culture whatsoever,” stormed one... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THAT GOLF DINNER MENU

article-default

Starter: Vegetable soup – supposed cream of the crop in Ireland, blitzed to a pulp Main: Calleary’s Mayo mutton chop – to be grilled, then dragged over hot coals Afters: Cheeseboard – will cause a stink OR Just desserts

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

WHAT TO DO WITH RAY?

Ray Darcy

CONCERNED MONTROSE EXECS are “looking for new formats for Ray” due to a reluctance to have two weekend talk shows without an audience on RTÉ. “A man with limitless charisma, a great rapport with audiences and a guaranteed steady hand on the tiller – in the absence of anyone like that available, I suppose we’ll... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NOTICE FROM DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE

article-default

Revised guidelines for ministers: 1. Please prepare resignation letter/protest against sacking in advance 2. Limit media controversies to no more than six per day 3. Avoid unnecessary contacts, especially with political correspondents 4. Please carry out deep clean of office before next minister arrives a week from now 5. Try to mask deficiencies and save... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

GOVERNMENT DRAFTING NEW ROADMAP

Roadmap

The government is finalising a new roadmap to direct us out of the last one, it has been confirmed. A Department of Health official explained that the latest roadmap will outline the government’s direction for the next six to nine months, when it’s expected several more roadmaps will be required. “The new roadmap will detail... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MORE UP IN THE AIR STUFF IMMINENT!

article-default

By Dee Bacle Ireland should brace itself for a fourth, and even fifth and sixth wave of anger and frustration from the government’s directive messages on reducing the number of Covid-19 transmissions, according to experts. The grim advice comes as the latest figures show another half a million people contracted confusion overnight, with a further... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

STANDARD EVICTION PROTOCOL FOR IRELAND 2020

article-default

1. Call up a few gorill….er, occupant removal engineers. 2. Don uniforms (ie balaclavas, dark shirts and tricolour emblem, jack boots etc). 3. Inform gardaí you are on the way and will meet them there. 4. On arrival, help tenants to negotiate swift passage from building before placing them upright again on pavement. 5. Reconnect... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR – EXCLUSION OF FEE-PAYING SCHOOLS FROM C-19 FINANCIAL SUPPORT

article-default

Sir, – Private schools are currently facing horrendous challenges, with emergency funding desperately required for essential safety measures such as additional cleaners, luxury hand sanitiser and proper matte paper for the new prospectus. To comply with physical distancing rules, immediate alterations need to be urgently carried out on the 50m indoor pool, golf course and... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TODAY WITH CLAIRE BYRNE

When she contracted Covid-19, Claire Byrne continued to broadcast from her “garden shed”, a structure with neither a garden tool nor a cobweb in sight. Other shows saw her in a mock-up hospital bed and a mock-up Covid testing facility.

Episode 1 Schedule 10am: Are RTÉ over-using the same tired old presenters? 10.15am: A look back at the genius of Claire Byrne Live 10.45am: Those massive RTÉ salaries 10.46am: Where are they now?: Sarah McInerney 11.30am: Did Sean O’Rourke get shafted? 11.31am: Interview with whichever RTÉ staffer was free in the canteen – ideally Kathryn... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MINISTER DEFENDS CALCULATED GRADING

article-default

by Alma Mater EDUCATION MINISTER Norma Foley has again denied allegations of dumbing down in the grading of this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Speaking to reporters, Ms Foley said: “Unlike the disastrous UK system which used unreliable guestimates, we have focused on a carefully calculated system ensuring that all students receive only H1 grades. So... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MARTIN SLAMMED FOR COGNITIVE TEST BOAST

Michael Martin

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has come under fresh political fire for bragging about his results in a cognitive test, which required him to continually repeat the five words “maintain power at all costs”. Martin took the test after people questioned his mental acuity over appointing Barry Cowen to cabinet. “They say nobody gets it in order,”... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CELEBRATIONS OVER €350M PLAN TO SHUT HOME-SCHOOLS

article-default

There was widespread euphoria at the announcement of a €350 million package to close home-schools by the end of August. “It’s a massive relief,” said one frazzled parent. “The last few months have been a nightmare. When I had children, I wasn’t expecting to have to spend so much time with the damn things.” Question... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FRUGAL FIVE WARZONE

Marvel logo

Suffering stimulus plans! Oh no! Superhero Captain Michel has only 24 hours to save the Eurosphere. But can the soft-spoken EC President ever hope to defeat the iconic Frugal Five, led by Prudent Nether-Man and his thrifty sidekick, Austro-Kurz? Who could ever forget their vicious verbal battles about a post-pandemic recovery package and those long... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

APPLE TAX RULING COLUMNS BACKLOG

Apple company

by Our Economics Staff Phil Paper Following Ireland’s successful appeal in the controversial €13 billion Apple tax case, Irish economic correspondents have revealed details of the huge number of opinion pieces that built up over recent years, albeit attracting little interest. Indeed, since 2016, hundreds of opinion columns had been on standby in an escrow... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE NAKED TRUTH EXPOSED

Starlight Palace

The leader of one of Ireland’s political parties has admitted that the naked man who was tied to a cross and was having his bare bottom whipped in an adult basement club in Dublin city centre “may have been one of ours”. The party had initially taken the view that the incident was ‘fake news’... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RECIPES FOR DISASTERS No 13

Stew

This week we take a back stab at Fianna Fáil stew: You will need a large receptacle of troubled water just about up to your neck. Turn up the heat. Chuck in plenty of beef, poor lambs and something fowl, such as snipe or grouse. Next select a few right turnips, tough cheese and sour... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

VARADKAR’S PAL KEEN TO AVOID INFECTED DESTINATIONS

Martin mask

Ireland’s new coalition government was under pressure again last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin insisted that a number of destinations traditionally popular with its Fine Gael partners be excluded from the ‘green list’ of places that are okay to revisit. The controversial exemptions include: Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins, Barry Cowen’s drink driving, Brian... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

BABY NEWS JOY

baby news

by Our Celebrity Baby Staff Matt Ernity There were widespread celebrations last night at the news that former Miss World Rosanna Davison is due to welcome identical twins later this year. Said one tabloid editor, “It’s a dream come true and we’re over the moon. After desperately hoping for some happy news for months, now... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

LEO CLARIFIES TRAVEL ADVICE

article-default

Taoiseach (surely ‘Tánaiste’? – Ed) Leo Varadkar has attempted to clear up any remaining confusion around the government’s controversial ‘green list’. “We are advising people to undertake essential travel to non-essential destinations which aren’t on the green list,” said Vlad in his 25th media outing in two days. “Take that holiday, but don’t get on... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FEARS MOUNT OVER ‘WET POLITICIANS’

wet pols

With pubs set to reopen on August 10, fears have been expressed about the threat posed by so-called “wet politicians”. The phenomenon sees TDs congregate in pubs near the Dáil to whinge incessantly about their political genius going unrecognised. “They’re notorious for spitting out bile in off-the-record briefings,” cautioned one public health expert. “These kind... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

PRISON NETFLIX FAVS

netflix

As the Irish prison service reveals details of its €9,000 installation of Netflix services, some of the nation’s top chancers voice what makes them most likely to tune in: Gimme any documentary with Bertie Ahern in it. Always inspires me to feel I can not only wriggle out of any allegation but I can carry... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SIGNS OF CRAMP

Jack Charlton

There were signs of cramp among Ireland’s sports media over the weekend as a great tragedy unfolded and they were forced into extra time. “It was totally out the blue,” said one beleaguered ex-player turned tabloid rent-a-mouth. “We’d only just finished playing our hearts out, tackling all aspects of Italia ’90 nostalgia. We’d said everything... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CURRENT EMBARRASSMENTS ‘NOTHING COMPARED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS’, SAYS MARTIN

Michael Martin

New Taoiseach Micheál Martin has criticised commentators and called for “a bit of perspective” to prevail following criticism of Minister Barry Cowen and MEP Billy Kelleher just weeks into his tenure as leader of a new government. “People have very short memories,” said the Cork man this morning. “They need to see the bigger picture... Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber