Category: Craic & Codology

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3713

StD-3713

Madonna Varadkar Shameless attention-seeking diva Shameless attention-seeking diva Obsessed with her public image Obsessed with his public image Latest record is a bit of a disaster Political record is a bit of a disaster Fond of adopting children Fond of adopting popular policies Loves to... Read more »

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OUT NOW! – VLADAME X

Phoenix_Leo_Madonna

Leo Varadkar recently wrote to Madonna asking to pose for a photo and also the opportunity to collaborate on an album along with some showbiz pals. Tracks include: Maudlin (solo by Leo) God Control (featuring John Delaney) No Future (with assorted backbenchers) Crave Power (featuring... Read more »

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ENDANGERED SPECIES: NO. 999 – THE COMMON SHATTERSNIPE

Alan Shattersnipe

Once seen and heard sticking its beak in here, there and everywhere, this fly-by-night creature has now been reduced to just one disconsolate member, according to observers. “It has been brought close to extinction by its resilient predator, the Leowl,” says one expert in has-been... Read more »

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IRAN DRONE

drone-Trump

The Iranian government has confirmed that it was responsible for bringing down a high-flying drone. The noisy robot, one of the ‘Donald’ range, was thought to be cruising at an altitude of “several lies per minute” when it was knocked off course and its ratings... Read more »

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LATE ADDITIONS TO CLIMATE ACTION PLANS

climate globe

9am to 9pm curfew on Danny Healy-Rae emitting any more hot air. More recycling of fossilised ideas from Shane Ross, Richard Bruton etc. Any toxic Garda behaviour to be buried very, very deep. Suggestions emitted by Micheál Martin to be doused in cold water and... Read more »

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TEMPTRESS INSPIRES LONGFORD LADS

Maura Higgins

MIDLANDS Love Island sensation Maura Higgins says she “dearly hopes” her performance on the reality television show will inspire her native Longford footballers to “go out and get what they so dearly want, what they need”. The 28 year old has wowed viewers with her... Read more »

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TONIGHT’S TV

Love ireland

Tacky reality show in which a group of extrovert contestants pretend to be close friends. Behind the scenes, they are all secretly trying to screw one another every chance they get. Viewers will be watching avidly tonight to see if Leo will eventually come clean... Read more »

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OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD

Simon Harris

by our Health Correspondent Seth Downe IN A shocking new development, the Minister for Health Spending, Simon Harris, has announced that the Irish health service will face yet another crisis from next week. “It’s true,” he confirmed. “I have been advised that, from next week,... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3712-01

Bernie - Same gender

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CARTOONS 3712-02

deAn - Poker

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CARTOONS 3712-03

Goddard - Redacted

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CARTOONS 3712-04

Jack - Buck stops here

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CARTOONS 3712-05

Kales - Living from bonus

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CARTOONS 3712-06

Keane - Gunplay

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CARTOONS 3712-07

Keane - On the Luas

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CARTOONS 3712-09

Lennon - Shane and Katie Taylor

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CARTOONS 3712-10

Lennon - Trump Ireland wall

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CARTOONS 3712-11

McCabe - ESB leaked out

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CARTOONS 3712-12

Percival - Stepping stones

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CARTOONS 3712-13

Royston - Coffee

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CARTOONS 3712-14

Schwadron - Posted bedtime story

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CARTOONS 3712-15

Schwadron - Real life

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CARTOONS 3712-16

Theo - Gangland violence

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CARTOONS 3712-17

Wilbur - Hammerhead shark

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OZONE 3712

OZONE 06-14-19

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CARTOONS 3712-08

Lennon - Rockall

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TENSIONS MOUNT OVER BAGPIPE THREAT

Bagpipes

By Philly Space In a shock escalation of tensions, the Scottish government has threatened to “send in th’ ba’pipes” to prevent Irish fishermen from fishing the waters around Rockall. The threat to unleash a “wailing war” in the disputed waters has alarmed international observers, with... Read more »

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SINN FÉIN QUESTIONED OVER ‘DISAPPEARED’ VOTERS

Mary-Lou

Pressure was growing on Sinn Féin last night as the whereabouts of dozens of voters, who went missing without trace during its recent campaign, continued to raise questions. Commentators now claim the number of ‘disappeared’ may be in the “tens of thousands” – many of... Read more »

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ALAN SHAFTED’S – NEW BOOK

Shatter book header

Exclusive extract from ‘Frenzy and Betrayal…’ Readers of my earlier best-selling memoir, Totally Vindicated, will know that I have always had the utmost regard for Enda Kenny, from the first moment when he showed such acute political judgement by promoting me to senior public office... Read more »

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ADULT SWING

Dean Hotel Swing

Hotel-style adult swing. Complete with ‘easi-hold’ ropes, polished wooden seat and user pack comprising instruction manual (including braille version) safety instructions, list of solicitors specialising in personal injuries claims, a do & don’t public relations checklist – plus a free bottle of Baileys Irish Cream... Read more »

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BANKER’S PLEA: ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN!’

Philip Lane

An Irish Central Banker says people opposed to restoring performance bonuses in the banking sector are “effectively perpetrating the greatest abuse of children’s rights in the history of time” and are pre-empting the “mass degradation of the most innocent in society”. Central Bank governor Philip... Read more »

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2019 LEAVING CERT EXAM PAPERS

exam

Maths: 1. Using contemporary evidence, calculate to the nearest 5,000 how many trolleys will be required for Irish hospitals in winter 2030 if Simon Harris remains Minister for Health. 2. How many miles high would Johnny Ronan have to build an Eoghan Murphy-inspired shared living... Read more »

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NEW RECRUITS TO FIGHT GENERAL ELECTION

Soldiers

By our defence correspondent – Major Problem Following the success of Maria Walsh, former Rose of Tralee and ex member of the Reserve Defence Forces (RDF), in winning a seat in Europe for Fine Gael, thousands of disgruntled members of the Irish army are threatening to pack... Read more »

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NEW LEINSTER RUGBY LEXICON

Leinster rugby logo

Maul: Post-match celebration Pack: Collective name for media types asking awkward questions Conversion: Changing the story for the pack Passing: Thing you do through the kidneys Bonus: When some splashes on the other leg too Fly half: Part of the trousers that’s undone

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SCOTS SANCTIONED

harp

The Irish government has announced the following sanctions on their Scottish counterparts over the issue of Rockhall: Daniel O’Donnell to be prohibited from touring Scotland Rod Stewart to be prevented from using Ireland as a cash cow Proclaimers to be made walk 500 miles Tourists... Read more »

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