Category: Craic & Codology

THIS WEEK’S RADIO 1 SCHEDULE

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• 09:00: The Ryan Tubridy Show Why those massive RTÉ salaries are justified. • 10:00: Today with Claire Byrne Are RTÉ presenters actually underpaid? • 13:45: Liveline Joe Duffy from Ballyfermot tells us his tragic story of struggling to get by on a salary of €390,00. • 15:00: The Ray D’Arcy Show What can you... Read more »

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NEW MADIGAN OUTRAGE

Josepha Madigan

Junior minister Josepha Madigan has apologised for failing to cause offence during a recent interview. Appearing on RTÉ Radio, Madigan offered clear and articulate views on the reopening of schools for children with additional needs. The interview was met with widespread shock on social media with many calling on the minister to resign. “I wish... Read more »

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BREXIT LATEST

Union Flag

GOVERNMENT GUIDE TO HAULIERS ON CUTTING THROUGH RED TAPE 1) Buy heavy-duty scissors. 2) Consult Govt. Safety Guidelines Section 58(a) for correct use of scissors. 3) Apply for Approved Certificate (Level 3) allowing scissors handling at Irish ports. 4) Fill in HGV insurance documentation re legal cover in event of scissors-related injury. 5) Send photocopies... Read more »

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WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE FORMER FIRST LADY?

Melania Trump

Melania weighs up her career options Write Memoirs All-gold coffee table record vit no need for words of any kind. Visuals only of historic times as First Lady role and third wife. Show I can stand on own foot. As independent totally elegant woman. High end of exclusive market. All top range official pics of... Read more »

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CALLS FOR NON- ESSENTIAL TRAVEL BAN

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There is mounting pressure for a ban on non-essential travel, as government TDs look to put clear blue water between themselves and a series of gaffes. Deputies are keen not to be seen within a hundred miles of recent calamities involving Norma Foley, Stephen Donnelly and Josepha Madigan, with many taking flight at the first... Read more »

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ADVERTISEMENT – THE JOSEPHA MADIGAN APOLOGY BINDER €20.21

ring binder

Cut out and lovingly store all of the Junior Minister’s apologies referencing pupils with special needs. This beautiful binder, tastefully decorated with the official Fine Gael logo, comes with 100 slide-in pockets – enough to last until at least 2022! €20.21 WARNING: Binder does not have zip-up facility. Hurry! While Josepha lasts!  

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BIDEN’S INAUGURATION SPEECH IN FULL

American Flag

My Fellow Americans, a cairde, It is with great pride and a supporting American-made handrail that I stand here before you today with a message for all Americans – not just the ones who voted for me, but also the ones who want to shoot me with an easily acquired firearm, or from their own... Read more »

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BANNON NARROWLY AVOIDS DEATH

Bannon

By our justice reporter – Sam Quentin Unconfirmed reports from Washington say that ex-President Donald Trump came close to executing his former adviser Steve Bannon during the final days of his presidency. According to sources, Trump became confused between the ‘Presidential Pardons’ paper and the ‘Expedited Executions’ list and mistakenly added Bannon’s name to the... Read more »

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HOLOHAN CAUTIONS AGAINST ‘IRRESPONSIBLE ADVERTISING’

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Ireland’s Chief Medical Officer has asked the Irish people to ignore anyone making false and irresponsible claims about vaccinations. Speaking today, Dr Holohan said: “While some people would rather gloss over the severity of this pandemic, we must not allow cheap distractions to make us lose sight of the struggle ahead. As such, the promises... Read more »

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SICK NATIONS ‘MUST GO AHEAD’

Sick Nations

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has called on sporting authorities to “move heaven and earth” to ensure this year’s Six Nations rugby championship goes ahead as planned. The plea comes as doubts remain whether the tournament will take place at all due to rising Covid numbers throughout Europe. Sources close to Kenny believe he is anxious... Read more »

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social distance

There is no end in sight to current speculation about when the lockdown will end, with public health experts warning of a fourth wave of opinion pieces from columnists, scientists and academics. “It’s high time we pursued a zero-filler strategy,” insisted Professor Luke O’Neill. “Editors should immediately place all hacks in quarantine and not let... Read more »

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IRISH NAMES REACT TO WASHINGTON RIOT

Riot

It was absolutely shocking to see Mr Trump’s supporters invade the Capitol building. I can barely get members of my own party to reply to my emails, or get a member of the public to vote for me. So to see the kind of blind loyalty to the President from his supporters is truly inspiring.... Read more »

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PARTIAL REOPENING OF DÁIL SCRAPPED

The government has abandoned plans to reopen the Dáil three days a week on the back of mounting opposition from TDs. In a statement, education minister Norma Foley expressed disappointment, saying many TDs were “at a vital stage of their development, as they learn how to fill out expense forms, elbow their way onto foreign... Read more »

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REPORTER REPORTS SHOCK!

Donnie O'Sullivan

SOCIAL MEDIA was overwhelmed with messages of support for an Irish journalist who reported on events across the Atlantic last week. Somehow, the reporter managed to report on the events for CNN even though there were other people gathered in the vicinity at the time, many sporting dangerous looking haircuts. Some war correspondents, currently under... Read more »

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VACCINE ROLLOUT BOOST

Vaccine

By Al Ergic Ireland’s efforts to speed up the coronavirus vaccine programme is poised to reach a new level following news that the Department of Health has ordered a new box of syringes. Announcing the measure, Health Minister Stephen Donnelly said the box of four syringes would double the Department’s capacity to deliver the vaccine.... Read more »

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IRELANDS FITTEST FAMILY

fittest family

Goldhawk previews the participants in the brand new series of Ireland’s Fittest Family: The Varadkars Obsessed with spin and social climbing, team patriarch Leo likes to flex his political muscles but there are concerns over his metabolic age of 96. The Martins Bitterly divided clan who are constantly at each other’s throats over the thorny... Read more »

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MORE RYANAIR CATCHY FLIGHT OFFERS ON STREAM!

Ryanair logo

Stitch and Soar! Celebrate the completion of any major surgery with a bargain Ryanair flight to any of over 100 destinations – from just €9.99! Simply show your fresh stitches to one of our sales reps to avail of the discount! Plaster and Fly! Your busted knee is safely encased and on the mend! Now... Read more »

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TRANSFER TALK – DELANEY SUBJECT OF TRANSFER SPECULATION

John Delaney

Despite some pundits saying he has a tendency to hold onto possession for far too long and be wasteful with opportunities, John Delaney is being linked to a shock return to Ireland. A move to arrange his transfer from his current commitments in England seems to be very much on the cards. “John is the... Read more »

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CONFIRMS FIRST DOSE

HSE Logo

The HSE has confirmed that large swathes of the country have received their first dose of Micheál Martin for 2021. This will be backed up by a second “booster injection” conceived by the coalition’s army of spin doctors, who plan to substantially ramp up Leo Varadkar’s media appearances over the next few months. “More broadly,... Read more »

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VACCINE SCAM WARNING

syringe

Members of the public are advised to be aware of a new vaccine scam, whereby the government is attempting to convince vulnerable members of the public that the rollout isn’t a complete shambles. If you come across this cruel hoax, contact the HSE, and we’ll try to fit the investigation into our hectic three-people-a-week vaccination... Read more »

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RTÉ ISSUES APOLOGY

Dee Forbes

RTÉ director general Dee Forbes has apologised for content broadcast on the New Year’s Eve special, which left many viewers traumatised. The national broadcaster said it had received thousands of complaints about the items aired which, Forbes accepted, “fell below even our standards”. The RTÉ director general admitted that, given the competition, she hadn’t expected... Read more »

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THAT FEEDER SCHOOL TOP FIVE

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St Silver Spoon’s, Rathgar Ralph Lauren Institute, Dalkey School of Rugby Playing, Killiney Expensive High, Rathmines Old Boys College, Ballsbridge

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I TOLD YOU SO!

Picture by HonS - https://www.flickr.com/photos/62693815@N03/ Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

by Phil Front-Page Anger. Outrage. Disbelief. These are just some of the emotive words I’ve been using all this week to describe the government’s irresponsible handling of the pandemic. In foolishly opting for a temporary feel-good Covid Christmas effect, they completely ignored the long-term interests of the entire nation. How could they risk everything for... Read more »

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FEARS GROW OVER ‘TAKEAWAY TDs’

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There is mounting concern over the negative social consequences of “takeaway TDs”, with health experts warning that the government’s off-the-shelf policies are running the country into the ground. “Micheál Martin has them all drinking the Kool Aid,” warned a HSE spokesman. “They’re drunk on power and cabinet gatherings have been known to get dangerously out... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

Pope Francis

Humble new year greetings from your liberal-style Supreme Pontiff in the Covid-conscious Vatican. Make no mistake, this virus is the greatest evil in society, aside from the now round-the-clock routine blasphemy on RTÉ. So why-oh-why are so many of our ill-advised young people still holidaying as if there is nothing at all to worry about?... Read more »

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MEXICO ANGRY AT U.S. FAILURE TO FINISH WALL

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The Mexican government has lashed out at the American government for “failing in its promise” to complete a border wall between the two countries and has vowed to finish the structure itself. The accusation comes in the wake of the shocking Capitol riots in Washington. “The Americans have left us at the mercy of anyone... Read more »

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THE COVID-19 SSSHHEBEEN FINDER APP

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Thirsty, bored and missing your pals? No worries, the solution is at hand. Using satellite technology, the Ssshhebeen Finder App will direct you to the nearest illicit drinking den anywhere within your 5km exercise zone! Turn on the voice feature and hey presto, the SFA’s pint-point co-ordinate readings will guide you through the alleyway by... Read more »

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BORIS: YULE TURN, ANYONE?

Boris Johnson

With all this Brexit kerfuffle hitting the fan, it was up to good old Bozzo to save the day as per. That meant dashing off to Brussels for a late-night shindig with our ghastly Euro chums, namely Barmier and Co – complete rotters, in my humble opinion. But yours truly soon laid down the law... Read more »

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‘VACCINES MUST PROTECT MOST VULNERABLE IN SOCIETY,’ SAYS TAOISEACH

Micheál Martin

With all going to plan, we can begin the process of vaccinating Irish people in early January. This is a cause for tremendous optimism and hope. As such, it is vital that I, and my party, capitalise on any resultant public goodwill. Several recent polls have shown Fianna Fáil to be the sick man of... Read more »

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GOLDHAWK’S GIFT GUIDE

Christmas baubles

Goldhawk takes a look at the hottest gifts this festive season: Phil Hogan GPS Need to get somewhere but have lots of time to kill? Then the Phil Hogan GPS is the perfect gift. Just type in your destination and Phil will take you through as many counties as possible – with a mandatory stop... Read more »

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THE 3 WISE MEN WHO CANNOT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS

3 Wisemen

How much are the three party leaders looking forward to Christmas? What are they expecting to receive this year as presents? “I’m not greedy,” says Eamon Ryan, “I’m happy with a surprise. Only another eight sleeps left to Christmas. And those seats in the National Convention Centre are just the place to nod off.” Taoiseach... Read more »

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TDS TO GET HOLIDAYS BOOST

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There has been a massive public outcry at the news that, following the recent 2% pay increase for the vast majority of Oireachtas members, the Government has followed this up with a proposal that all TDs are to be allowed additional paid time off – at their own discretion! The proposal, dubbed ‘Stanley’s Law’, will... Read more »

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POLITICIANS REACT TO EXPANDED BUS ÉIREANN ROUTES

Barry Cowen

Now I thankfully won’t have to drive home after All-Ireland Finals – Barry Cowen How many extra buses will be passing through Stepaside? – Shane Ross I just hope that, come my next gaffe, my party doesn’t throw me under one of them – Micheál Martin

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BREXIT XMAS MENU

Union Jack

Non-Starters Humble Pie Spring Rollover Waffle Mains Fishy Mess Cooked Goose in a Sore Sauce (served on a bed of its own making) Union Jack(et) Potatoes (off) Just Desserts Irish Border Fudge (neither hard nor soft) To Drink UK Whines

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NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

New Year Fireworks

Jim O’Callaghan I want to build up my strength so that I can flex my muscles within Fianna Fáil more effectively. I will focus on the jaw area as I intend to engage in extensive canvassing – sorry, communication – with the grass roots in 2021. Dee Forbes I’d love to help RTÉ lose weight.... Read more »

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TAOISEACH CONCEDES ‘FRONTLINE HEROES DESERVE BETTER’

Michéal Martin

Following a period of reflection, I fully concur that those who selflessly undertake unsavoury, emotional and often dangerous work in this country should rightly have their sacrifices recognised through some level of financial payment. From having their finger on the pulse to exploring the inner workings of others and prescribing remedies, judges do priceless work... Read more »

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