Summit of the Century key points
- No nuclear attacks before the end of Miss Universe competition
- KFC to open restaurant in Pyongyang presidential palace
- Stormy Daniels to be given an all expenses paid holiday to North Korea
- United States to reduce sales tax on uranium
- Donald Trump’s face to be carved on Mount Rushmore
- Kim Jong-un to get a presidential pardon
Ministers’ Mercs to be replaced
TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross has revealed plans to replace top-of-the-range cars provided to Ministers with rickshaws.
“It would have been unfair on taxpayers if we were to saddle them with the cost of scrapping the rickshaws so I have decided to use them to replace ministerial Mercs as soon as the Mercs come to the end of their useful lives.”
One very senior Fine Gael personality said he was delighted to be given an avocado-coloured rickshaw because “now everybody will be able to see my new socks”.
In another innovative development, the Minister is proposing that the rickshaws will be driven by the Junior Ministers at the Minister’s relevant Department “adding the benefit of fitness to the other cost-saving advantages.”
However, the Minister refused to be drawn on whether the proposed new drink-driving laws would apply to rickshaws.
FINTAN TOOL’S SONG FOR IRELAND
Your chance to choose a new national anthem more in keeping with the demands of a modern country and of its greatest public intellectual. Vote early and often.
The Harp that Once Through Tara Street
The harp that once through
The soul of music shed
Now hangs as mute on Tara’s walls
As if the soul were fled.
So sleeps the pride of former days
So glory’s thrill is o’er
And hearts that once beat
high for praise
Now feel that pulse no more
But wait a while! Hold back despair!
Weep not for Ireland’s nation.
Fintan’s voice has not been lost
It’s only on vacation!
New columns cram his fevered brain,
He only has to write ‘em.
And then he’ll once more, unrestrained
Harp on ad infinitum
Rawmaishin’ Once Again
When boyhood’s fire was in
I walked the streets of Crumlin
And read of cowboys in the Dáil
From bogland and from
And then I prayed I yet
Their letters sent in vain
’Bout me, a famous columnist.
Rawmaishin’ once again.
The Man Behind the (News)Wires
Through the little streets of Dublin
In the dark of early morn
Fintan Tool is off marauding
Wrecking right-wing plans
Heedless of PR consultants
Dragging spin-docs from their beds
Beating nuns while
Pull their hairs out of their heads
– Anglo-Irish Banks and Nuns
Larry Goodman, Ray Burke, Dunnes
Everyone must feel his ire,
The man behind the wires
Come the day and come the hour
Come the column or news story
We are here to answer Fintan’s Call
From the four proud principles of social democracy
Ireland, Ireland, Together
Shoulder to shoulder
We’ll punish capitalist theft
From the mighty Glens of Antrim,
From the rugged hills of Galway,
From the walls of Limerick and Dublin Bay,
We’ll abolish fee-paying rugby schools eventually.
DAVID DRUMM’S MENU
Porridge, smell the coffee, egg-on-face, toast.
Meat: In a stew, porky pies, tripe;
Fishy: Load of cod, shark
Hot potatoes, leeks, beetrootful, tough tomatoes
Herbs: Doing thyme, cost a mint
Fruit: pear-shaped, gone bananas, cashew nuts, date with the judge.
All food must be consumed by cell-by date
TDs caught up in adoption scandal
A NUMBER of well-known politicians have been caught up in the adoption scandal. “Due to incorrect registration taking place, these politicians joined a different political ‘family’ than they intended,” said Minister for Children, Katherine Chapperone.
Some of these unfortunate TDs may have no idea how they adopted policies and parties that they now regret. Many have lost their true identity.
Speaking on the matter, Labour Party leader Brendan Howlin said: “I always believed that I was a left wing politician until I got into Government with Fine Gael and discovered who my real family was.”
Wicklow Fianna Fáil TD Stephen Donnelly struck a similar tone. “I was originally an Independent,” he explained, “before I was adopted by the Social Democrat family. Imagine my shock and confusion when I discovered that Fianna Fáil was in my blood all along.”
Separately, Donnelly’s party leader Micheál Martin had this to say: “I have come to admire and support my neighbours in the FG clan in recent years and I now – having propped them up for a number of years and worked closely alongside them – believe that I may actually be one of them”.
PUTIN ‘GUTTED’ BY IRISH WORLD CUP ABSENCE
By Moss Cow
RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has revealed his “immense disappointment” that Ireland failed to qualify for his nation’s World Cup.
“I had been very much looking forward to meeting Comrade John Delaney at the games,” said the former KGB agent.
“I have long admired John and hoped to learn more about his immense staying power and ability to hold onto power no matter how many people want to send you on a one-way train to Siberia!
“Speaking of out in the cold how is my good friend Comrade Hickey, by the way?”
Doctor in the House
After the drama of the marathon operation to remove the 8th Amendment, life is returning to normal in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. For hospital master Leo Varadkar, it’s a chance to get out and about again, first with a visit to the Phoenix Park.
Simon Harris: Remind me what we’re doing here?
Varadkar: Promoting fruit and vegetables, basically. It’s something called the Healthy Ireland initiative. “HI”, for short.
Harris: The old “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing?
Varadkar: Gosh, I hope not. We have a livelihood to defend. What’s the story, John?
John Concannon: Don’t worry – we warned the HI people you wouldn’t endorse apples. It’s mostly cherries, tomatoes – that sort of stuff. Avocados too, naturally.
Varadkar: And oranges, I see.
Concannon: Yes. Which reminds me. Don’t forget you have an early start tomorrow – your trip to Nordie Land.
Harris: Where are you going?
Varadkar: Darkest Belfast. Humanitarian mission with Médecins Sans Frontières.
Harris: Wow. Hope you got all your shots?
Varadkar: Yes, they gave me the full works last week in the Tropical Medicines Bureau. Haven’t had so many shots since my graduation party.
Belfast Airport, next day. As Dr Varadkar passes through the arrivals area, he meets a familiar figure.
Varadkar: Nurse Foster! Fancy meeting you here.
Foster: Why wouldn’t I be here? This is my home. But what brings you to foreign – and I emphasise “foreign” – parts?
Varadkar: Doing a bit of volunteer work for Médecins Sans Frontières. You know – Doctors Without Borders?
Foster: Without borders, eh? Sounds like another Fenian conspiracy. And where would you be planning to do this nefarious work, exactly?
Varadkar (consulting schedule): Our first stop is some place called “The Falls”. I don’t know where that is, but it sounds dramatic. Is it like the Zambezi Falls?
Foster: Very similar. A lot of crocodiles there. I hope you’re not planning to go swimming with them?
Varadkar: It’s strictly work, nurse. And after that, we’re visiting a tribe of so-called Orangemen somewhere.
Foster: That’ll be interesting for you. Just be careful they don’t have you for dinner.
The Orange Heritage Centre, later. Dr Varadkar studies a patient in the company of MSF’s permanent representative in the region, Simon Coveney.
Varadkar: Fascinating. So that’s where they get the name – from this distinctive orange rash around the neck?
Coveney: It’s not a rash – it’s a sash. It comes off – although not during July, usually.
Varadkar (to patient): could you lie down a moment, please? I need to check your blood pressure.
Orangeman: I think I’ll stan’, if you don’t mind. It’s only Croppies lie down aroun’ here.
Varadkar: Okay, suit yourself. (He straps the patient’s arm, inflates, and checks dial). Gosh. 16/90. I’ve never seen a blood pressure reading like that before.
Coveney: Yeah, it happens during what they call the Marching Season. Everything goes back to 1690 then.
Varadkar (to patient): Could I ask you to step onto this treadmill?
Orangemen (on treadmill, walking fast and singing): “It is old but it is beautiful, and its colours they are fine. It was worn at Derry, Aughrim, Enniskillen, and the Boyne…”
Varadkar (Checking dial again): Amazing. Even during vigorous exercise, while belting out ballads, it’s still 16/90.
Coveney: It’ll be like that until August at least.
Varadkar: But I love the sash. Remind me to get one in the souvenir shop. I am SO wearing that at Dublin Pride this year.
Coveney: Er, if you say so, Leo.
Monday morning. Back in the hospital, Dr Varadkar marks his first year as master by launching yet another major development: Global Infirmary 2025.
Varadkar (reading brief): So it says here this will double the hospital’s “global footprint”. What does that mean?
Concannon: Basically, you’re hiring a second reflexologist.
Varadkar: You mean a practitioner of that pseudo-science whereby all sorts of serious medical conditions are supposed to be treatable by foot massage?
Conconnon: Don’t knock it, Leo. It’s popular.
Varadkar: I didn’t even know we had a first reflexologist?
Concannon: Yeah, she’s operating out of a converted broom cupboard somewhere. That’s the other advantage of alternative medicine. It’s a lot cheaper than the real thing.
Varadkar: Fair enough. But what about the rest of this stuff? About massive expansion of our presence in the world.
Conconnon: Don’t worry. It’s all pretty vague and long-term. It sounds good now but nobody will remember it in six months.
Varadkar (reading) I see we’re committing ourselves to the UN target of 0.7% overseas development assistance?
Concannon: Yeah, but did you check the deadline?
Varadkar: 2030? I take it that doesn’t mean half-eight this evening?
Concannon: No – ha, ha. It’s the other 2030, by which time Simon Harris will probably have your job.
Varadkar: Fair enough. I’m fully committed so.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|TRINITY COLLEGE TREE
|Deep roots in Trinity College
||Shallow roots in Fine Gael
|Planted 170 years ago
||Plants self-serving stories in the media
|Toppled by disease
||Toppled Enda Kenny
|Covered in bark
||Barks at Independent Alliance
|Lots of leaves during the summer
||Lots of leave during summer recess
|Would make great cabinet
||Will never make great cabinet
IN RECENT times we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team was on the brink of unprecedented glory.
Headlines such as Schmidt’s Superheroes, Our Invincible Idols and Rucking Unbeatable! could have suggested the men in green were on the precipice of an era of brilliance.
After their defeat to Australia in the first test, it is glaringly obvious that we were talking complete bollocks. This bumbling bunch of overpaid John Sexton-cum-latelys are out of their depth and should be called home immediately before they inflict any further damage on our proud nation’s image abroad.
Again our regret for any misunderstanding that may have arisen in our previous coverage and we hope this finally and irrevocably clarifies our true stance on the misfiring misfits at least until the next game.
Boris: I say!
Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t
CRIPES! And extra cripes! Talk about a bombshell! Madam May has only gone and sanctioned the dreaded Heathrow extension. And guess what? Poor old Bojo’s constituency is directly under the bally flightpath. Mind you, with the current PM making such a mess of Brexit, we need to have extra capacity for Mr and Mrs John Bull to flee the country until proper government is restored.
I’m reliably told that the new runway will be discreetly shielded behind hedgerows and exotic palm trees. So it’s completely different to all the old proposals that I strictly opposed – which had no hedging whatsoever. Anyway, the Bozmeister is due to be called abroad on top-secret urgent business when the vote will take place in a week or two. Phew! Problem solved.
Unlike the ghastly situation with our new DUP chummies who are now planning to construct enormous walls and sea defences around Northern Ireland to stop these pro-abortion Irish Southerners kayaking round in the middle of the night. Friend Sammy Wilson going absolutely apoplectic in Westminster – even worse than Boxcar Willie McCrea. Seems as though these mad Creationist types won’t be happy until every women in the country is having babies left, right and centre – just like in The Handmaid’s Tale.
Simply can’t see why Mrs M lets them loose. The sooner she packs her ridiculous shoes and clears off, the better for everyone – especially my good self who will be finally installed in Downing Street full-time. That means getting down to business straightaway. Princess Meghan round for vital Brexit discussions and late-night drinks. Old Bozza back on top where he belongs. Phwoar!
• Lords and Ladles – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30pm
Join celebrity chef Boris Johnson as he serves up the same tired old tripe from yesteryear to some very sceptical Irish and European diners.
• Raised by the Village – RTÉ One: Monday, 6.30pm
Bratty manchild Leo is packed off to the Orange Order museum in Belfast to try to instil a Protestant work ethic in the notoriously work-shy Taoiseach.
World Cup by the numbers
18: Eamon Dunphy meltdowns… on the first day
81: Percentage of available Irish audience watching the BBC coverage
101: George Hamilton mixed metaphors
9000: Times RTÉ panel will say you can never write off the Germans
1.2 million: Disgruntled GAA fans complaining about the Sunday Game getting pushed down the schedule
Those DUP policy shifts
The DUP has unveiled some new policies to attract and retain its (apparently) new-found nationalist/republican voters:
- Fish in Lough Foyle can identify as British or Irish
- Gregory Campbell to acknowledge earth is no longer flat
- DUP to lift ban on use of pot pourri in its offices
- Sammy Wilson to start eating basmati rice
- Londonderry to be renamed Irishtown
- Arlene Foster to wear Fermanagh jersey
- Belfast Newsletter to refer to Theresa May as Theresa Bealtaine
Melania Trump favourites
Favourite film: Gone Baby Gone
Favourite TV show: Lost
Favourite song: Missing, Everything But The Girl
Favourite game: Hide and seek
Favourite rapper: M.I.A.
Favourite destination: Split
Favourite exercise: Cut and run
Favourite insect: Flea
Favourite detergent: Vanish
Favourite food: Dessert
THOSE LEAVING CERT EXAM PAPERS
A) If three people ring Joe Duffy to complain about the HSE on Tuesday, how many are most likely to follow up with similar complaints on Wednesday?
B) Taking 10% for buying fruit and 5% for vegetables, how many cans of extra strong lager can you get for the change from a €50 note if keep a tenner back for cannabis?
A) What world do the guards live in at all, at all?
B) Name one other country that would put up with the carry-on of the Healy-Rae’s!
Politics and Society:
A) Describe in detail how the Brexit process has affected your emotions under one of the following headings:
i) haven’t slept for two years;
iii) couldn’t give a twopenny shit!
B) Should society ever forgive Fianna Fáil and if so, what kind of idiots do you take us for?!
WORLD CUP FORM GUIDE
Manager May’s side will again be reliant on Foster to keep them in the game by staying onside and sticking to the game plan no matter how desperate things get. Meanwhile expect another half dozen “backstoppers” lining up in a token effort to shore up the rearguard and prevent anyone sneaking in behind.
Tactics bordering on the ridiculous and odds to remain at 1,000/1.
Certain to deploy the usual game plan of choosing the ball, deciding the opponent’s team and tactics, refereeing the match, running the line, making the rules, deciding the score, parking the bus precisely on time and beating England on penalties.
Teutonic to 1 to retain the title.
In a shock development the former holders suffered a setback when lanky skipper Rajoy of the Rivers was voted out of the squad for failing to notice the many runs of teammates into profitable space. “They were not only running into neat little pockets on the wing but were also filling them with euros!” sighs one fan. “The right wingers were having a field day against us!”
Odds: €600 to everyone.
Considered by many experts to have all the right ingredients to do serious damage in the near future. Key danger man Ayatollah Khamenei has vowed not to attack the opposition unless he is provoked although few believe him. While the Iranians pose a threat they are expected to bomb out of the competition.
Bookies odds: Shiite.
Things had started to look up for the Koreans with the news that star player Kim Jong-un would qualify to play for the South after a long stint with Pyongyang FC. Unfortunately, preparations for their matches have been hampered by cancellations and allegations of piss-taking by football authorities. Their fans will be hoping that danger-man Kim shows up in June.
Bookies odds: Jong-Unrealistic.
Russia boss Vladimir Putin is known throughout the world for his ability to frustrate the opposition and grind out winning results against the odds. As a player he showed promise on the left wing but his transition to management has seen him stand accused of very conservative tactics and relying on over-the-hill cronies.
Odds: Donetsk to nothing.
That opening ceremony in full
Winds of change blow across the land
JUBILATION: Scenes of unalloyed joy in Dublin last weekend as the General Data Protection Rules were implemented
By Fintan Tool
AS THE fallout continues from last week’s historic events campaigners from both sides of the debate have urged the public to remain calm.
On Saturday May 26, people awoke to find themselves in a land where life as they knew it had changed irrevocably.
Many expressed anger, joy, hurt and relief in equal measure.
The campaign was dominated by allegations of outside interference and blatant scaremongering by activists on either side of the issue.
The topic bitterly divided families, friends, neighbours and colleagues but despite the decisive outcome many citizens still don’t know what is going to happen in the immediate future.
As one Longford accountant told this reporter: “The politicians keep saying they are simply following the will of the people.
“To be honest, though, I just haven’t a bloody clue what this GDPR thing is all about,” he said.
SF leaders stun the crowd
THE REFERENDUM — AN APOLOGY
IN RECENT days, readers may have been given the erroneous impression that we somehow believed the referendum to repeal the 8th would be a close-run thing and that the No side led by gorgeous pouting celebrities such as Maria Steen, Theresa Lowe and Declan Ganley were closing the gap at an accelerated rate.
Headlines such as TOO CLOSE TO CALL and NEW REFERENDUM WILL BE REQUIRED may have been misinterpreted by some readers as confirmation of that impression.
We now realise, after the referendum was carried by a huge majority that the No side is a bunch of incompetent, reactionary failures who couldn’t argue their way out of a paper bag. Today’s headlines – IT WAS MARY LOU WOT WON IT and LEO THE LION will hopefully convey a truer picture of our view that the No side should never again be allowed access to the media.
Until the next referendum when once again we invite Mary, Theresa and, okay, even Declan to grace the pages of our esteemed organ, once again.
Maria Steen and Theresa Lowe offer excuses for the result: pages: 69 to 99
Scenes at Dublin Castle
Stressed, Wednesday, 9.35pm – Ray D’Arcy’s stress levels go through the roof when his chat show is moved into the graveyard shift. To make matters worse, a smutty man dressed as a woman fills his slot.
Bloom Live, Thursday, 8.30pm – Join Ireland’s finest muckrakers as they converge on Dublin Castle to explain how certain stories were allegedly planted in the media. Contains lots of tulips who claim to be wallflowers.
GDPR – HOW IT AFFECTS YOU
A Q&A with the Office of the Data Protection Commissioner
Q) About 25 years ago I was obliged to leave my job with immediate effect to take up a similar post 200 miles away. This pattern has continued every few years. Can I now compel my boss to destroy any data he has on my personal affairs over that time? It’s rather important.
A) You certainly can. Your bishop must do as you say, though he may well have done so already.
Q) After celebrating a five-horse accumulator last night I distinctly remember arriving home in a taxi at dawn but I seem to be missing my trousers. Am I legally allowed to ring the taxi driver to find out where I was?
A) Under GDPR guidelines you are ABSOLUTELY NOT permitted to utilise the name, company, gender, nationality or ranting monologue of a taxi driver for the mere purpose of retrieving a pair of trousers.
TOP AWARD FOR AWARD SHOW
AT the IFTA Awards held in Dublin last night, the illustrious IFTA Award for The Longest and Most Boring Award Ceremony went once again to the IFTA Television Awards.
A star-studded host of celebrities in Dublin’s Mansion House watched as RTÉ’s Amy Huberman presented herself with the prestigious Seems Like A Lifetime Award.
- Luvvie Presentation Award: Jason Byrne
- Plus dozens of pages of pictures, comment, luvvies, more pics
Humble greetings from your liberal-style modernist Supreme Pontiff in papal HQ. Spring has sprung and Vatican-style love is in the air. But what sadness to see those sexsational Irish Times reports about those young seminarian students. How could they not know about the nightmare of finding accommodation in Rome? I’ve heard the Irish Times has lost touch with Rome since it let that nice Agnew fella go.
Meantime, the Irish referendum result has given us all good reason to celebrate. The tiny number of sadly misguided and self-confessed Yes supporters who are plotting day and night to introduce obligatory drive-by abortion outlets scraped together a mere 1,429,981 votes. What a gross embarrassment.
Just compare these minuscule numbers with the overwhelming showing of all those multitudes of righteous Catholic – an amazing 723,632 votes. Time to crack open the Vat 69 if I’m not mistaken, eh?
Right now, your Jolliness is preparing for my historic pro-tolerance trip to Ireland to reach out to sinners. Maybe I will squeeze in a visit to Armagh. For me, this should be very educational. Up until this time, I have only ever read about Purgatory.
Uh-uh! Got to get packing! Ciao!
What Stresses Us Out?
These are the shocking findings from RTÉ’s two-part series Stressed:
Stress Levels: An alarming 78% of respondents experienced a severe rise in stress levels whenever Bertie Ahern mentioned the presidency, compared to only 76% on hearing Miriam O’Callaghan do so.
Sleep Quality: A staggering 98% suffered sleep loss when given an assurance by the HSE that all was well. Nine out of 10 participants said the Ray D’Arcy show reduced stress by helping them to catch up on sleep.
Fatigue Levels: 67% of respondents said there was nothing more tiring than booking a Ryanair flight; the reminder found Eir’s customer service more exhausting.
REVIEW: A VERY IRISH SCANDAL
TO THE general public Martin Callinan (played by Tom Selleck’s moustache) was just another typically busy leader – married, respectable and a dedicated public servant.
But this intriguing BBC programme reveals the realities, the rumours and the sometimes farcical fantasies in Martin’s everyday life.
Intriguingly we learn how much this high profile public servant regularly kept company with other men who, like himself, would dress in uniform.
“Back then, what some of these guys got up to would have been very much frowned on by society,” says one critic. “Things like arsing around with penalty points, massaging breathalyser figures – that sort of thing. It could have ended Martin’s career immediately if word go out that he was fraternising with them.”
Martin’s downfall eventually came about when he got involved with a man called Maurice. Many have claimed Martin became worried that Maurice would reveal all and employed others to murder his reputation. The whole thing ended in a farcical dog’s dinner fashion and Martin eventually resigned.
Boris: What ho!
Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t
Hullo! Bozza here, your tousle-haired hero! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making out of this bally Foreign Office business. Been busy flying around the entire globe for the past week – but in a dreary military-style aircraft designed for working class oiks.
It was all bit tiresome – especially when you have to go glad-handing with Johnny Gaucho and his greasy chums in Argentina and similar sweltering hotspots. Phew!
Speaking of backwoods types, our new DUP colleagues have certainly made their mark since imposing direct rule on Westminster. Arlene has even affirmed that loyalism is totally inclusive and open-minded unlike those narrow-minded Irish nationalists. So who says she’s a po-faced dinosaur who doesn’t have a madcap sense of humour, what? Certainly not Bojo.
If only the same could be said for all those shifty Russian oligarch chaps who are constantly up to no good. Coming over here and undermining Mrs Mayhem just because she’s completely hopeless. Not that Bozza believes now is the time for a leadership challenge – at least not for a week two week. Can’t wait! Cripes!
INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE SINKHOLE
Favourite film: Shoot To Kill
Favourite TV show: Trigger Happy TV
Favourite song: 21 Guns, Greenday
Favourite musical: Bullets Over Broadway
Favourite magazine: Shoot
Favourite ice cream: Magnum
Favourite soccer team: The Gunners
Favourite politician: Ciarán Cannon
Favourite animal: Colt
Favourite hobby: Sabre-rattling
SWITCHED AT BIRTH
Johnny Fiama (Muppet)
Luigi Di Maio (Italian politician)
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
It’s a big day at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General, as after months of preparation by a multi-disciplinary team of surgeons led by Dr Varadkar, the operation to remove Bunreacht na hÉireann’s 8th Amendment is finally under way.
Varadkar: How’s the patient doing, Nurse Zappone?
Zappone (reading her smartphone): 44% yes, 32% no, according to the final poll. That still leaves an extraordinary 24% undecided.
Varadkar: Well, it’s a painful issue.
Bunreacht na hÉireann: Aaargh!
Varadkar: Speaking of which, looks like you better top up that anaesthetic.
Meehawl Martin (feeling his lower spine area and wincing): Can I have some too? My backbenchers are giving me grief again.
Mattie McGrath: You needn’t be looking for a spine, Meehole – you don’t have one.
Varadkar: Who let him in here? He’s not even sterilised.
Mary Lou McDonald (waving surgical tweezers): I’ll sterilise him with these.
Varadkar: Now now, Mary Lou. We’ll have no punishment attacks in here. Orderlies! Get this man out.
(The orderlies bundle McGrath out the door; another familiar face peers in)
Rónán Mullen: Hello all – just doing my pastoral rounds. Would now be a good time to speak to the patient?
Varadkar: No it wouldn’t, Father Mullen. He’s busy.
Mullen: I’ll come back after mass, shall I?
Varadkar: Yes do. Make it a Tridentine mass – we’ll be finished then. How’s the anaesthetic doing, nurse?
Zappone: He’s well under.
Varadkar: All right, folks. I’m going in.
John Concannon: Wait. You’re forgetting the most important thing.
Varadkar: Oh yes, of course – the operation-day photograph of me about to cast my scalpel. (He smiles for the cameras, plunges knife into patient).
Bunreacht na hÉireann: Aaargh!
The same operating theatre, later.
Varadkar (stretching): Gosh, this is tiring work. Could you take over for a while, Dr Harris?
Simon Harris: Of course. How’s Mr Bunreacht looking now, matron?
Ailbhe Smyth: Not bad, considering he used to be such a male chauvinist pig.
Harris: I mean, how’s he doing for pain relief?
Smyth: We’ve already given him more than he deserves.
Harris: Well, he’s from an older generation, remember. They weren’t as enlightened as us.
Smyth: True. By the way, doctor, can I just say how wonderful you were on television the other night, debating with those religious loonies who oppose the operation?
Harris: Thanks, matron. But I was just doing my job.
Smyth: Well you did it brilliantly. You’re a hero to women now.
Harris: Gosh. I don’t know what to say.
Kate O’Connell: She’s right, Simon. You were wonderful on TV. We loved your sarcastic eye-roll – it went viral, you know. Do it for us again.
Harris: Oh now, Nurse O’Connell!
O’Connell: Oh go on! Please.
Harris: Well, OK. (He pauses the scalpel and performs eye-roll. Several nurses faint).
Varadkar (angrily): That’s quite enough of that, Simon. Give me back that scalpel.
Harris: But I’m nearly finished.
Varadkar: This is my operation – I’ll finish it.
Harris: As you wish, doctor.
Varadkar (Still in huff): When I asked you to take over, I didn’t mean my job.
A hospital corridor, next day. Doctors Varadkar and Harris walk and talk.
Varadkar: Sorry for snapping yesterday.
Harris: Don’t worry. We’ve all been under a lot of pressure lately.
Varadkar: Yes. There was so much riding on this. It could have destroyed the hospital if we’d got it wrong.
Harris: You’ve heard about Ganley threatening to withdraw sponsorship?
Varadkar: Yes – he says he’s a conscientious objector. But I think we can work something out. Maybe if we name a suitable ward of the hospital after him, he could channel his funds into that.
Harris: Good idea. The Ulster ward, for example. That’s mostly psychiatric patients now – he’d have no conscience issues there.
Varadkar: Speak of the devil – here’s Matron Foster. Good morning Matron.
Foster (passing with barely a glance): Ulster still says no!
Harris: That was a bit frosty. Anyway, here’s my ward.
Varadkar: Ah yes. Where I cut my own teeth as a doctor. It used to be called “Angola”, you know. Because of all the hidden mines, waiting to explode.
Harris: It’s still considered the death knell of a doctor’s career.
Varadkar: Whereas your career seems to be thriving, Simon. If anything, you’re almost too successful.
Harris: I hope you’re not thinking of another reshuffle?
Varadkar: Maybe I am. How would you like to go to actual Angola, Simon? I hear the Red Cross are looking for someone.
Harris: But Charlie Flanagan is there already, as you know.
Varadkar: I could bring him back. He has valuable experience I could use here. Also, crucially, he doesn’t have as much hair as you do, or look as good on television.
Harris: If I promise to keep a low profile for a while, can I stay?
Varadkar: That might help, alright. Now get back to work.
POSSIBLE CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR STEPHEN RAE
- Daniel O’Donnell lookalike
- 2019 Eurovision contestant
- Offaly football manager
- Backing singer for Grace Jones
- Trump’s intermediary to North Korea
- PR for Kim Jong Un
deAn – piano
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Destroys everything in its path
||Worked for INM
|Responsible for toxic emissions
||Responsible for Irish Independent
|Spewed out of the ground
||Spewed out garda propaganda
|Eventually turns to rock
||Eventually things turned rocky
|Part of earth’s core
||Part of Denis O’Brien’s core
|Making its way to the sea
||See ya later
That North Korean Nuclear site
FIANNA FÁIL LEADER FACES TERMINATION
PRO-LIFE Fianna Fáil activists have warned of the potentially horrible consequences of repealing the 8th Amendment for party leader, Micheál Martin.
Many members of the party have campaigned to retain the legal status quo despite the leader having adopted a pro-repeal stance.
But TDs are fearing thatfear Martin himself could become the first victim of a liberal abortion regime.
One politician who didn’t wished to be named claimed the Cork South-Central representative was actually benefitting from the controversial amendment.
“There’s no doubt that regardless of the result of this referendum Micheál’s chances of getting terminated will increase exponentially.
“A lot of our people are of the opinion that he is no longer viable and he should be put out of his misery to prevent further suffering. He should be careful for what he wishes for,” he warned.
EUROPEAN RUGBY CHAMPIONS CUP STATISTICS
74: People who attended Leinster homecoming celebration
0: Percentage chance of Joey Carbery going to Ulster
1/20: Johnny Sexton’s conversion rate
1.28 million: Number of Munster fans hoping for Racing 92 victory
Number 2: What role the media keep reminding Stuart Lancaster he actually has
12: Seconds of footage RTÉ was allowed to show of match
HSE FACES REBRAND
By our (fully qualified) medical correspondent Con Sultant
IN THE aftermath of the resignation of Tony O’Brien, the Health Service Executive (HSE) has announced it is to rebrand itself later this year.
“Rebranding can be expensive,“ explained spokesperson MT Ward. “So in order to save costs we have decided to keep the same initial letters but just, you know, jumble them up a bit. So, in future, we will be known as the SHE.”
When asked if the brand name SHE was intended to underline the organisation’s renewed commitment to women’s health and wellbeing, the spokesperson replied: “No, but that’s not a bad idea come to think of it. Can we use that?
“At the moment, SHE stands for Serving Health Executives; looking after the people who work there, as a priority, er… going forward. Yeah, Serving Health Executives. That just about sums up our mission.”
CAMPAIGNERS HAIL REMOVAL OF ‘DISTURBING’ PLACARDS
By Bill Poster
CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the 8th Amendment campaigns have welcomed the removal of graphic referendum posters, with all parties agreeing they were “way over the top” and “most disturbing.”
The posters, showing an aborted foetus in the background to be-suited Health Minister Simon Harris, were removed by Wicklow County Council.
Said one Yes campaigner: “I had to shield my children’s eyes as I was walking them to school. They had never seen Simon Harris before and I had no idea what the effect might be on them. It was so irresponsible.”
Likewise a No camp member described the incident as “regrettable” and extended her apologies. “I think it was a step to far. His beady eyes seemed to be following you.”
Those disturbing abortion posters revealed
APOLOGY BY MARK ZUCKITUP
AS PART of our continuing efforts to protect the integrity of our money in the run-up to referendums, we will no longer accept misleading foreign-based ads related to the upcoming Irish abortion vote. This is such an important issue that I have been thinking seriously about it for some time – at least since the 2016 US election and Brexit campaign when we raked in incredible amounts of advertising moolah from anyone and everyone. So I am really sorry to have been forced into this loss-making situation. I intend to make sure it never happens again. Finally, can I assure you that we will continue to do what we do best – by taking full responsibility to safeguard our vast profits.
* Please Like my apology and share it with everyone you know, so that your personal data will not be sold on without our permission.
THOSE REFERENDUM CAMPAIGNS IN FULL
The Simon Movement towards Abortion Rights Maybe (SMARM):
Uninspiring Cork body advocating the right to choose an option before terminating it for a different one, as long as it doesn’t endanger the political life of the one carrying it through to the very end. Believes repealing the 8th will help prolong the life of Fine Gael. Modus operandi includes frowning heavily at opponents, looking serious over rim and threatening opponents with another lengthy explanation.
Micheál’s Irish Loyal Friends and Supporters (MILFS):
Handful of leaflet distributors and dwindling… (That’s enough abortive plans for the moment – Ed)
Catholics Rejecting Aborted Pregnancies (CRAP):
Devout movement comprising church hierarchy in association with several travel agencies touting the cross-channel market. Warns against thousands of foetuses being deposited in street bins every hour and complete collapse of Irish birth rate as mums opt to stay working instead of barefoot at home with a large family. Tactics include offering lifetime jobs in laundries in return for seeing out pregnancy and reciting novenas to St Christopher, patron saint of travellers. Campaign slogan: “Let her without sin take the first flight.”
Society for the Protection of the Unborn Drinker and Driver (SPUDD):
South Kerry based group led by the renowned Healy-Rearem’s and fully opposed to terminating anything, especially if there’s a full tank of diesel and the road is clear. Circumvents the ban on foreign input into the referendum by speaking several different languages simultaneously to demonstrate graphically how cruel it is to have to abort driving home. Predicts every bar in Kerry will become desolate by 2030 as population declines, leading to starving publicans eating their own families and cars.
BAPTISM BATTLE BLIGHTS BUSINESSES
THE BOUNCY CASTLE Association of Ireland has condemned the government’s decision to change admission policies for Catholic schools.
The proposals make it illegal for schools to discriminate in favour of children baptised into the Catholic church where places are limited.
But the move has been heavily criticised by those who specialise in providing entertainment for sham christenings.
Alan Air , chairman of the bouncy castle group, claimed the decision was a backwards step.
“Business is booming with couples who want to both keep their in-laws happy while simultaneously never saying a good word about the church. And that’s all at risk now,” he said.
But the Minister for Education and Invisibility, Richard Bruton, has vowed to remain firm on the issue.
“We are taking this brave and courageous stand because it is absolutely the right thing to do and not because we don’t want to build new schools,” he claimed.