Category: Craic & Codology

MARTIN SLAMMED FOR COGNITIVE TEST BOAST

Michael Martin

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has come under fresh political fire for bragging about his results in a cognitive test, which required him to continually repeat the five words “maintain power at all costs”. Martin took the test after people questioned his mental acuity over appointing Barry Cowen to cabinet. “They say nobody gets it in order,”... Read more »

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FRUGAL FIVE WARZONE

Marvel logo

Suffering stimulus plans! Oh no! Superhero Captain Michel has only 24 hours to save the Eurosphere. But can the soft-spoken EC President ever hope to defeat the iconic Frugal Five, led by Prudent Nether-Man and his thrifty sidekick, Austro-Kurz? Who could ever forget their vicious verbal battles about a post-pandemic recovery package and those long... Read more »

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CELEBRATIONS OVER €350M PLAN TO SHUT HOME-SCHOOLS

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There was widespread euphoria at the announcement of a €350 million package to close home-schools by the end of August. “It’s a massive relief,” said one frazzled parent. “The last few months have been a nightmare. When I had children, I wasn’t expecting to have to spend so much time with the damn things.” Question... Read more »

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APPLE TAX RULING COLUMNS BACKLOG

Apple company

by Our Economics Staff Phil Paper Following Ireland’s successful appeal in the controversial €13 billion Apple tax case, Irish economic correspondents have revealed details of the huge number of opinion pieces that built up over recent years, albeit attracting little interest. Indeed, since 2016, hundreds of opinion columns had been on standby in an escrow... Read more »

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THE NAKED TRUTH EXPOSED

Starlight Palace

The leader of one of Ireland’s political parties has admitted that the naked man who was tied to a cross and was having his bare bottom whipped in an adult basement club in Dublin city centre “may have been one of ours”. The party had initially taken the view that the incident was ‘fake news’... Read more »

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RECIPES FOR DISASTERS No 13

Stew

This week we take a back stab at Fianna Fáil stew: You will need a large receptacle of troubled water just about up to your neck. Turn up the heat. Chuck in plenty of beef, poor lambs and something fowl, such as snipe or grouse. Next select a few right turnips, tough cheese and sour... Read more »

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VARADKAR’S PAL KEEN TO AVOID INFECTED DESTINATIONS

Martin mask

Ireland’s new coalition government was under pressure again last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin insisted that a number of destinations traditionally popular with its Fine Gael partners be excluded from the ‘green list’ of places that are okay to revisit. The controversial exemptions include: Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins, Barry Cowen’s drink driving, Brian... Read more »

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BABY NEWS JOY

baby news

by Our Celebrity Baby Staff Matt Ernity There were widespread celebrations last night at the news that former Miss World Rosanna Davison is due to welcome identical twins later this year. Said one tabloid editor, “It’s a dream come true and we’re over the moon. After desperately hoping for some happy news for months, now... Read more »

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LEO CLARIFIES TRAVEL ADVICE

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Taoiseach (surely ‘Tánaiste’? – Ed) Leo Varadkar has attempted to clear up any remaining confusion around the government’s controversial ‘green list’. “We are advising people to undertake essential travel to non-essential destinations which aren’t on the green list,” said Vlad in his 25th media outing in two days. “Take that holiday, but don’t get on... Read more »

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FEARS MOUNT OVER ‘WET POLITICIANS’

wet pols

With pubs set to reopen on August 10, fears have been expressed about the threat posed by so-called “wet politicians”. The phenomenon sees TDs congregate in pubs near the Dáil to whinge incessantly about their political genius going unrecognised. “They’re notorious for spitting out bile in off-the-record briefings,” cautioned one public health expert. “These kind... Read more »

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PRISON NETFLIX FAVS

netflix

As the Irish prison service reveals details of its €9,000 installation of Netflix services, some of the nation’s top chancers voice what makes them most likely to tune in: Gimme any documentary with Bertie Ahern in it. Always inspires me to feel I can not only wriggle out of any allegation but I can carry... Read more »

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SIGNS OF CRAMP

Jack Charlton

There were signs of cramp among Ireland’s sports media over the weekend as a great tragedy unfolded and they were forced into extra time. “It was totally out the blue,” said one beleaguered ex-player turned tabloid rent-a-mouth. “We’d only just finished playing our hearts out, tackling all aspects of Italia ’90 nostalgia. We’d said everything... Read more »

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CURRENT EMBARRASSMENTS ‘NOTHING COMPARED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS’, SAYS MARTIN

Michael Martin

New Taoiseach Micheál Martin has criticised commentators and called for “a bit of perspective” to prevail following criticism of Minister Barry Cowen and MEP Billy Kelleher just weeks into his tenure as leader of a new government. “People have very short memories,” said the Cork man this morning. “They need to see the bigger picture... Read more »

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JOHNNY GOTTA POEM POEM

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Imelda Makespeare Ah Dubbalin Me mind is troublin’ Me heart is broken Goin’ from rockabilly To the spoken Woord. Do not go gentle Into that good night, Instead of a band to Send you home sweatin’ What you’re gettin’ Is this poetry shite. Street poems, have yis No homes to go to? U2, Me Too,... Read more »

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UNCLE DONALD IS NOT A VERY NICE MAN – NIECE

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A controversial tell-all memoir written by Mary Trump, niece of President Donald Trump, claims he is an “ignorant racist and sexist megalomaniac who threatens the life of every American”. INSIDE Pope is spiritual leader of the worldwide Catholic Church – p4 Most bears said to excrete in forests – p5 Varadkar and Coveney want to... Read more »

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MY (SECRET) DIARY – JIM O’CALLAGHAN

Jim O'Callaghan Diary

Mon: The media keep asking exactly what I think of Micheál. So I always tell them that everyone deserves a chance. I also explain that when I said in April 2017 Micheál was a spineless nonentity dragging our once-proud party towards oblivion, what I was trying to say was that he was a man of vision... Read more »

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FEIGHAN SLAMS RTÉ

Frank Feighan

Minister for Drugs Frank Feighan has doubled down on his claims that RTÉ is full of “cocaine snorters”. The Fine Gael TD made the sensational allegations having watched RTÉ over a 24-hour period recently. The Sligo/Leitrim representative pointed to the return of Killinaskully, the proliferation of property programmes and the broadcasting of 20-year-old Champions League... Read more »

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RTÉ’S FLEET OF VEHICLES

RTE Van

The national broadcaster has come under criticism after the exorbitant running costs of its fleet of vehicles were revealed. An RTÉ insider conceded that “many of our main vehicles, such as Winning Streak, are admittedly old, worn and are being driven into the ground.” The broadcaster has acknowledged that, after many years of service, several... Read more »

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NO NEW FF CONTROVERSIES SHOCK

Fianna Fáil logo

Irish politics has been plunged into turmoil after a 24-hour period in which Fianna Fáil didn’t find itself mired in controversy. The development comes as a major setback to the party following the Barry Cowen and Billy Kelleher sagas. “I would like to apologise for failing to uphold the standards the people of this country... Read more »

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KINAHAN STATEMENT

Daniel Kinahan

Daniel Kinahan issued a statement yesterday denying that he is, or ever has been, a member of the Kinahan Family of Criminals (KFC). “I have only ever been a member of the Kinahan Boxing Family,” he said, “although I do support their [KFC] stated objective of a United Family – uniting them with millions of... Read more »

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COVID TRACKER REVIEWS

Covid tracker

Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces to get their thoughts on the new Covid tracker app Barry Cowen I feel a deep sense of humiliation that it has taken me over 30 years to get this thing on to my phone. Like many of my generation, I adopted a wait-and-see attitude and I apologise for... Read more »

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THE ROOM WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS: INSIDE THE DÁIL CANTEEN

Room Where It Happened

EXCLUSIVE EXTRACTS John Busser lifts the lid on what goes on behind the scenes in Leinster House Breakfast Don’t know half of the latest batch of junior ministers, but they all rate their jobs very highly and display their portfolios on the tables for all to see. Peter Berk is apparently responsible for organising Christmas... Read more »

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CONVENTION CENTRE DAMAGED AS NEW DÁIL SITS

Convention Centre

The Convention Centre building in Dublin has suffered severe damage as a result of Dáil sittings. According to structural engineer Lee Ningtower, there were too few deputies and ministers sitting in the area designated for debate and too many backbenchers in the new Dáil bar toward the rear of the building complaining about being overlooked... Read more »

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APOLOGY: PASCHAL DONOHOE

Paschal Donohoe

In common with all other newspapers, over the years we may have mistakenly given the impression that Paschal Donohoe was a crushingly dull centrist politician whose ideas were about as exciting as his grey suits. Furthermore, during the austerity years, we might also have conveyed the impression that Paschal and his FG pals were implementing... Read more »

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MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of Irish Tories fashioned in the image of Al Capone was,... Read more »

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MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE

Micheál Martin

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of Irish Tories fashioned in the image of Al Capone was,... Read more »

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OLD TESTAMENT TIME

bible scripture

A Reading from the Book of Houses, Verse 7: Prophet Damo Predicts Pestilence And lo, there was at that time living in a big house in the city a wealthy prophet, Holy Dermo of Desmond, who didst claim to see the future. Great was the fear of the people when Desmond spoke for it was... Read more »

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SUMMER READS – PHIL BOOK RECOMMENDS 5O MUST-READ TITLES

Books

Roy Keane: Moby Dick I like to relax by fishing and I can relate to this story of a lad who sets his sights high and gets his reward. Mind you, if he had that muppet De Gea minding his net he probably would’ve come away empty handed. Credit to Ahab, pure class. Danny Healy-Rae:... Read more »

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DEAR DIARY…

Martin Diary

Micheál Martin’s top secret thoughts WEDNESDAY Wow! I’m still afraid that I might wake up and realise it’s all a dream. Looking at all the posters on my bedroom wall – Dev, Biffo, Bertie – who would ever have thought that, after so much heartbreak and disappointment, I would soon be joining my all-time heroes.... Read more »

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LEO WELCOMES HISTORIC DEAL

Leo Varadkar

“Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. Over the past two weeks, I have said to our membership, ‘If this plane leaves and you’re not with us, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.’ “We need... Read more »

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THE FORTY SHADES OF GREEN

Green Eamon Ryan

I close my eyes and picture all the piles of votes saying ‘yes’. From the fishing port at Dingle and the village of Recess From the banks of the river Shannon and from the folks at Skibbereen From the moorlands and the midlands came those forty shades of green Chorus: All together now… But most... Read more »

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FEARS GROW OVER SECOND WAVE

As the country exits lockdown, concerns are continuing to grow about a resurgence in Covid-19 fillers and think-pieces. One day last week saw the highest number of Covid-related speculation in the Irish Times since mid-March, whilst there has also been a notable spike in the Irish Independent. “Once the newsroom gets contaminated, it’s impossible to... Read more »

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COVID-19 UPDATE: RELIEF AS GANGS OF DRUNKS SET TO RETURN TO STREETS

Drunk man

Ireland was poised to celebrate the easing of Covid-19 restrictions last night as thousands of drinkers looked forward to the re-opening of pubs. “I can’t wait to collapse against someone’s car on the way home again before sliding in a heap into the gutter while talking complete shite,” promised a 26-year-old milkman in Clare. “It... Read more »

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MAN APPLIES FOR EUROGROUP PRESIDENT JOB

Euro elections

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS A leading Irish politician has put his name forward for consideration to become the next president of the Eurogroup. On other pages Pope Francis keen to continue as Catholic Pontiff – p2 Bears eager to defecate in new wooded areas – p3 Pics of Paschal looking particularly smug – p4

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GOLDHAWK’S DRIVE-THRU CINEMA

cinema movie

Goldhawk’s Drive-Thru cinema is delighted to be screening these classic movies over the coming weeks: The Green Mile A very innocent man (Eamon Ryan) is counting down the days to his political death sentence. In a cruel twist, he is informed that his electric chair is powered by renewable energy. Field of Dreams The Saint... Read more »

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PUBLIC TRANSPORT LATEST

Public Transport Masks

Seating will be in short supply on public transport as restrictions ease – meaning it’s business as usual, according to a report. Delays, overpricing and crumbling infrastructure will further contribute to a sense of normality returning, the study suggests. “New measures to combat Covid-19 on public transport could lead to frustration, stress and anger –... Read more »

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