Category: Craic & Codology

NOTRE-DAME – MY HEARTACHE

Quasimodo

by Phil Space Just a few short weeks after the terrible inferno raged through the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame, I have now had time to process this momentous event and come to terms with what has been a life-changing experience. Who could ever forget the crowds... Read more »

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A GUIDE TO IRISH BIRDS

clare daily

1. Claire Dalyus Europaus While native to Ireland, Dalyus is hoping to nestle down in Brussels for a few years and avoid the hard winters in Fingal. Critics claim her once-proud red plumage has faded and this has resulted in her having to survive on... Read more »

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OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER FAVOURITES

Ole Gunnar

Favourite film: Crash Favourite song: Free Fallin’, Tom Petty Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm Favourite exercise: Nose-dive Favourite food: Crumble Favourite hobby: Hitting the skids Favourite fruit: Lemon Favourite utensil: Flash in the pan Favourite vehicle: Tank Favourite animal: Swanny

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3709

StD-3709

CRICKET IRELAND JOHN DELANEY Responsible for wickets Responsible for sticky wickets  Train batsmen Trained to bat away questions Once beat Pakistan Enjoying Indian summer Rain affects their matches His reign will never end Balls made of cork Makes a balls of everything Play one day... Read more »

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DELANEY SECURES SPONSORSHIP DEAL FOR FAI

John Delaney

FAI supremo (at time of writing) John Delaney has announced that he has single-handedly secured a new sponsorship deal for the embattled organisation. “Yes,” he responded modestly, “entirely through my own example I have been approached by a drinks company to become a brand ambassador... Read more »

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ENDA’S NEW JOBS

Enda Kenny

Call Centre Operator Having spent a lifetime sitting around reading from a prepared script, the former taoiseach will have no problem advising unsuspecting members of the Irish diaspora about surefire investment schemes.Automated Railway Announcer Kenny’s robotic speaking voice is ideal for tedious announcements, such as... Read more »

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PWC’S CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL RECOMMENDATIONS

PWC logo

Never underestimate the amount of people who would notice Order three dozen more red flags Make sure they are large ones Alter terms of reference to include ‘gobshites’, ‘clueless’ and ‘bonehead’ Don’t mention young Harris Use big words when explaining it all to the ordinary... Read more »

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TEST CASES FOR FAST-TRACK DIVORCE

Leo and Micheal

Leo and Micheál Been together since 2014. Always tension in the House whenever they are within sight of each other. Micheál thinks Leo is a control freak and Leo says Micheál is not supportive enough and refuses to obey. John Delaney and John Tracey Money... Read more »

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MEDICAL MATTERS

Medical-matters-Harris

This week shock specialist Dr Simon Harris reflects on what it’s like to feel stunned. As a doctor, people often say to me, ’Doctor, I am in a terrible state of shock and I don’t know whose fault it is! How can this be?!” Of... Read more »

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VLAD’S WORK-OUT LEXICON

Leo mud

What he says: What he means: Pressing the flesh Banana republic Running mate Returning officer Spin Minding the constitution Massaging the muscles Lots of native-grown vitamins Bloke jogging alongside me Someone jogging towards me A vigorous exercise class Eating proper foods

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SCUMBAG BOLLARDS MUST BE TAKEN OUT

Paul Williams

Am I the only one who feels deeply concerned that, last week, one solitary bollard almost derailed the entire police service of this country? (Great start Pauly! – Ed) It surely beggars belief that the security of every man, woman and child in the state... Read more »

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THOSE DIVERSE GARDA RECRUITS IN FULL

Garda-logo-colour

12 who don’t take ketchup at all on the burgers 8 skilled at turning on those computer yokes 18 right clever clogs for investigating stuff and that kind of thing 2 corner backs, badly needed 3 foreigners we’re keeping an eye on… 6 Rangers supporters... Read more »

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THE SPECTATOR

The_Spectator_logo

Dear Ambassador, Thank you so much for your kind letter. We here at the Spectator always appreciate correspondence from Eire. We thoroughly reject your thesis that our publication has adopted anti-Paddy positions now or in the past. Our editor, Fraser Nelson, is a card-carrying papist... Read more »

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DREW HARRIS FAVOURITES

Favourite film: Short Circuit  Favourite song: Convoy, C.W. McCall  Favourite TV show: Northern Exposure  Favourite town: Ramsgate  Favourite pub: Break for the Border  Favourite car: Escort  Favourite band: Guns and Roses  Favourite animal: Flipper  Favourite body part: Arms  Favourite album: Never Mind the Bollards

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T.V. LISTINGS

Retro tv icon

Rome v Republic – RTÉ One, 10.15pm: Neoliberal high priest Michael McDowell looks at how a deeply pernicious cult (the Progressive Democrats) maintained its grip on the Irish body politic for so long. The Great House Revival – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Join Johnny Ronan as... Read more »

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THOSE ISRAELI ELECTION RESULTS

Netanyahu

JERUSALEM EAST Benjamin Netanyahu (Some Likud Hot Party) 66,600 Benny Gantz (Centrist Blue and White Party) 66,599 Moshe Smitem (Not so Centrist Black and Blue Union) 18,307 Rabbi Avi (Old Testament Party) 14,815 Softi Neissman (Let’s Treat the Palestinians Better Alliance) 9 BETHLEHEM SOUTH Election... Read more »

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‘DRAGON’ TO CONTEST EUROS

Peter Casey

Businessman Peter Casey has announced his candidacy for next month’s European Parliament elections. Launching his campaign, the former Dragon promised to be “the voice for rural Ireland”. “Speaking as an ordinary working Joe millionaire,” he said, “and definitely not as an opportunist flaunting fake man-of-the-people credentials,... Read more »

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PETER CASEY’S PLATFORM

Peter Casey

Roma to be removed from Serie A NATO to be given control of Donegal  Ireland to replace euro with bitcoin  Dragons’ Den theme music to be the new EU anthem  Something about 5G  Reject all comparisons with UKIP  Free PTSD counselling for Gavin Duffy  Find... Read more »

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MERKEL: EU TO ANNEX ARMAGH

Merkel

As part of a revolutionary plan to manage its border with the UK, Frau Merkel has announced that the EU is considering annexing what Angela Merkel has referred to as “parts of ze Nordetenlands zat righfully belong to ze Varadkar Republic, namely ze county of... Read more »

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CARTOON 3707-02

Bill Borders - 9 Lives

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CARTOON 3707-01

WIldt - Spend more time

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CARTOON 3707-03

Bill Borders - Memory waiter

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CARTOON 3707-04

Goddard - How gullible are you

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CARTOON 3707-05

Jack - Brexit

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CARTOON 3707-06

Keane - Plastic deathtrap

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CARTOON 3707-07

Keyes - Facebook

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CARTOON 3707-10

McCabe - Bed and Brexit

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CARTOON 3707-11

Percival - Real Economy

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CARTOON 3707-08

Keyes - Fripp advisor

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CARTOON 3707-09

Lennon - J Delaney gold

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CARTOON 3707-12

Schwadron - Findings have changed

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CARTOON 3707-13

Schwadron - Only place to smoke

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CARTOON 3707-14

Scott Masear - Human rights abuse

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CARTOON 3707-15

Theo - The Backstop's here

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CARTOON 3707-16

Wilbur - Brexit top humpty

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VARADKAR GETS TOUGH WITH MERKEL

Merkel Varadkar

By Phil Frontpage IN A move that has already sent shock waves through Europe and the UK, Leo Varadkar has pledged that he will devote all his time and energy into doing everything that Chancellor Merkel tells him. Speaking to reporters in Dublin after meeting... Read more »

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