TV Listings
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
• Britannia, Sky Atlantic; 9pm – Historical drama set at the time of the Roman invasion of Britain. Fearsome warriors and sworn rivals Arlene and Theresa unite to defend the realm from the multicultural hordes of mainland Europe. Pure fantasy. • Derry Girls, Channel 4; 8pm – Sitcom series in which RTÉ producers become increasingly… Read more »
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LATE ADDITIONS TO IFTA AWARD NOMINEES
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
Best Neck like a Jockey’s B*llocks: Martin O’Neill for Talking to Stoke; Simon Harris for The Trolleys Most Tragic Effort to Justify High Wages: Ray D’Arcy for Saturday Nights; John Delaney for Escape to Defeat Most Determined Attention Seeker: Leo Varadkar for Spinning; MP Barry McElduff for Bread Basket Case Outstanding Contribution to Inconsequential Knowledge:… Read more »
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ROSS: RED AND GREEN LIGHTS MUST GO
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross says he plans to replace the red and green hues at traffic lights “to avoid confusion and people choosing the wrong option”. The Independent Alliance politician says: “Red and green are far too similar and can easily confuse even the most enlightened and attentive driver, such as myself. “Even a sober-minded… Read more »
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Saudi women target golf club
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
by Our Sports Staff – Shania Law THERE were angry scenes outside Portmarnock Golf Club last night as a small group of Saudi women gathered to demonstrate against the continuing ban on women members. “Back home in Jeddah, women like me are, as of last week, allowed to openly drive our gold-plated cars to the… Read more »
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COUNTRY BRACED FOR MET EIREANN WARNINGS
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
THE country is bracing itself for a fresh onslaught of Met Éireann warnings after one of its meteorologists last night felt a gust of wind on his way home. The forecaster immediately issued a full-scale national weather alert that was expected to produced plenty of hot air on the front of national newspapers. “I felt… Read more »
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Doctor in the House
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House
It promises to be a momentous year for the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. As Dr Varadkar continues to wrestle with his conscience on abortion reform, he gets a visit from veteran consultant Frank Flannery, who shows him part of the hospital he hasn’t seen before. Varadkar (entering empty ward where everything is… Read more »
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THE FACE OF MARTIN O’NEILL
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
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Bono’s Favourites
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
Favourite film: The Kids Are Alright Favourite song: Millennium, Robbie Williams Favourite TV show: Growing Old Disgracefully Favourite food: Curry Favour Favourite body part: Hip Favourite genre: Tragic Favourite game: Jenna Marbles Favourite smell: Desperation Favourite furniture: Antiquated Favourite alcohol: Aged
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O’Neill rubbishes Ireland job claims
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
By Emmet Baloney MARTIN O’NEILL has angrily dismissed claims he is in talks to manage the Republic of Ireland football team. Taking a break from a round of negotiations with yet another bottom-half Premiership club, O’Neill strongly denied rumours linking him to the Irish job. “The Irish job if it came up would be tempting,”… Read more »
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Witness describes chaos in hotel
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
A TRAUMATISED bystander today described the bizarre scene he witnessed at the Regency Hotel in Stoke. Enrique Sánchez Flores from Spain was waiting in the hotel lobby to attend a job interview when two people suddenly rushed in. “One was dressed as on old man. He was wearing a flat cap and had a beard…. Read more »
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Citizen’s Assembly: A Snapshot of Ireland
January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology
Desperately ill elderly man having arrived by trolley. Homeless single mother of four saying a prayer Dejected Irish soccer supporter Mayo supporter who doesn’t believe in God Banker seizing possession of three chairs British Remain voter hoping he can stay Ruthless landlord kicking five people out
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Angry protests over Varadkar visit
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
PRIME Minister Viktor Orbán is facing mounting criticism from opposition benches for meeting Ireland’s controversial leader, Leo Varadkar. Hungary’s Labour Party leader has called for an immediate explanation as to why an official visit by Mr Varadkar to Budapest was not revealed until the day before it took place. “This furtive meeting represents an implicit endorsement of… Read more »
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New waiting list shock
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
The country’s health service was plunged into crisis again last night when new figures were released showing that, in the majority of Ireland’s hospitals, hundreds of trolleys were still queuing up to be admitted to corridors. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” said one frustrated trolley outside St. James’s Hospital in Dublin. “I’ve been waiting for three… Read more »
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ANGRY McGREGOR WANTS RE-MATCH WITH FLU
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
by Anne T. Biotic UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on Aussie flu bug H3N2 to “come out from behind the hankie” for a rematch, following the pair’s dramatic Christmas bout. The bearded battler insists the bug “just got lucky” during December’s battle on his home turf. The shock outcome left the motor-mouth Dubliner floored… Read more »
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TOP TDS REVEAL NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
I plan to launch a new make-up range for ladies and gents. It has shadow for concealing warts, cleanser for eliminating blemishes and a state-of-the art razor to make everything look smooth. It only goes skin deep but makes everything look good on the face of it! It’s free for only €5m. And the homeless… Read more »
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New Year’s Detox Guide
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
This time of year we can feel bloated and lethargic having over indulged during the holiday season. With this in mind Goldhawk asked some famous faces about their detox plans for January. Rosanna Davison I take my health very seriously so I was shocked when my doctor informed me I was at risk of developing diabetes…. Read more »
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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
This week: Blue Passport passport n official document issued by a government, certifying the holder’s identity and citizenship and entitling them to travel under its protection to and from foreign countries. blue n 1. an informal name for Conservative Party member or supporter. 2. Depressed, moody, melancholy, miserable, sad or unhappy. THOSE NEW PASSPORTS IN… Read more »
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Long hits 2018 goal target
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
Ireland striker Shane Long says he is “over the moon” to have reached his goals target for 2018 already this year. The Southampton man found the net during his club’s 2-1 loss to Crystal Palace for what was his first competitive goal since February 2017. The Tipperary-born forward said afterwards, “It was amazing to reach… Read more »
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Exciting new format for Dancing with the Stars
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
A TOP RTÉ producer has revealed the thinking behind RTÉ’s heavily trailed new programme. “Basically it’s a mix of two old genres” he said. “’Strictly’ and ‘Name that Tune’. We will be asking the audience to try to name the, er, stars – heavily disguised as themselves – as they parade their, er, talents on… Read more »
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BISHOP WALSH’S DIVINE PRAYER FOR AL PORTER’S CAREER
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
Organist plays out Morning has Broken the Story as the Bishop commences the service. Bishop Walsh: As we gather here today to honour the laughs of Al’s dearly loved career, let he who has never laughed at him cast the first stone. (Majority of the congregation chuck rocks at the altar.) All of us gathered… Read more »
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Doctor in the House
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House
A new year dawns in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Hospital, aka Blueshirt General. During a round of the wards, hospital master Leo Varadkar gets a progress report from his Chief Finance Officer. Paschal Donohoe: As I said when introducing my budget last year, it’s all about steady and sustainable progress. But even so, with effect… Read more »
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
MI5 Charlie Haughey Shrouded in secrecy Shrouded in secrecy Covertly funded Covertly funded Toppled governments Toppled his own government Sinister motives Sinister haircut Installed spooks Installed bugs Interfered in Irish affairs Dabbled in affairs Caused chaos on the island Wined and dined on his island
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THAT UVF LETTER TO HAUGHEY
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
Dear Charlie, What about ye? Hope you and Maureen and the other wee woman that writes for the Sunday newspaper are all in good health. Have you still got the helicopter on the go, despite the awful cost of fuel these days? Shocking the cost of living! We just paid out almost £80,000 for a… Read more »
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NEW TRUMP BOOK – SENSATIONAL REVELATIONS
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
Exclusive Extracts from ‘100 Things We Already Knew About Donald Trump’ – President Trump is an unstable megalomaniac who has no grasp of politics or international affairs. – He is particularly suspicious of Muslims, Mexicans, Kim Jung Un, minorities etc. – However, the President likes to reach out to women. – Indeed, he has always… Read more »
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KIM JONG-UN REACHES OUT TO TRUMP
January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology
NORTH Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has urged US President Donald Trump to “keep your belief in yourself”, amidst the storm of ridicule and contempt stirred up by a new book on the personal and political affiliations in the White House. Rallying around the beleaguered president, the revolting North Korean said, “Only now do I realise… Read more »
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Is there too much about Brexit in the media?
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
By Our Brexit Staff, Phil Space IS THERE too much in-depth coverage of ongoing Brexit difficulties in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has asked me to address in this latest 2,000-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the protracted talks. But with over 11 months to go of the negotiating period,… Read more »
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Saoirse Ronan’s guide to an Irish Christmas
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
HOW’S SHE cutting lads? Saoirse Ronan here to give you buckos some tips on how to have the perfect Irish Christmas. At this time of year Santy works up an awful hunger so I do always be leaving out a big plate of bacon and cabbage for the poor craythur. Don’t forget his throat will… Read more »
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NEW YEAR’S HOPES
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
Mary Lou McDonald As president of Sinn Féin, I’ll have ears for the most unfortunate and powerless. This applies equally to Leo Whatsisname and Cork Micheál, whoever needs my help after the inevitable 2018 election. Sinn Féin is a “sharing party” and that culture won’t change under my leadership. Bully for us! John Delaney My… Read more »
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DUP Christmas menu
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
Non-Starters Full Irish Brexit (off) Gregory Campbell’s Soup Fresh Press Leaks (with pinch of salt) From the Gravy Train Fishy Mess with Union Flapjacks Turkeys with Savoury Lies Cold Cuts of Duck á l’Orange Arleen Beef (with Theresa) Greens (off) Off the Trolley Bread and Butter-up Blancmange Steamed-up Sticky (Situation) Xmas Pudding To Drink A… Read more »
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SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST REVEALED
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
Wee Martin (O’Neill): Having a really naughty little helper alongside you does not excuse being cheeky with Mr O’Donoghue when he is only asking why you wouldn’t let the other boys play proper football! Santa thinks bad boys like Martin should have all their games given to somebody else forever and ever. Missy Frances (Fitzgerald):… Read more »
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BREXIT DEAL – KEY POINTS
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
Fintan O’Toole think-pieces up 50% Huge increase in smugness among British and Irish governments Theresa May to maintain hard border with Boris Johnson Simon Coveney to make no territorial claim on Taoiseach’s office Vlad to keep pronouncing his special status No change in cross-border hostilities between FG and FF THOSE POLITICAL XMAS CARDS IN FULL
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Doctor in the House
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House
It’s a tense morning in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General, as the hospital prepares to carry out a groundbreaking operation to separate Siamese triplets. In the glare of the world’s media, Dr Varadkar holds a press conference. Reporter: Hi Doctor. I can’t remember your name, but I’m Kay Burley, from Sky News…. Read more »
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Goldhawk’s Christmas Gift Guide
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
Guess Who? A thrilling game of whodunnit, who sent it and who buried it for all the family. You play a Department of Justice spokesperson charged with producing documents for the tribunal. How long can you obfusticate, circumlocute and lollygag under pressure from opposition TDs, defence lawyers and the media? The game ends, then resets… Read more »
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Danger to Conor McGregor from Paul Williams ‘very real’
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
A LEADING member of Dublin’s Kinahan crime cartel says UFC star Conor McGregor should “take extra precautions” over Christmas because of “a high risk of being talked about by Paul Williams”. The warning comes after the sportsman allegedly punched a man whose uncle has a friend living next door to the son of a woman… Read more »
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Conor McGregor’s Favourites
December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology
Favourite film: Dead Man Walking Favourite TV show: The Chase Favourite chocolate: Bounty Favourite song: Fight It Out, Pat Benatar Favourite game: Assassin’s Creed Favourite drink: Punch Favourite meal: Knuckle sandwich Favourite band: Five for Fighting Favourite exercise: Shakedown
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Experts predict ‘more bloody elections’
November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology
By Dee Pressing, Dáil Reporter HEALTH experts warn that Ireland may become “the most depressed country in Europe”, as fears grow that a general election may be called “every three weeks or so” for the foreseeable future. The grim warning comes as political pundits predict that regardless of what happens in the political arena, Fianna… Read more »
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