May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on GAA bosses to overturn Davy Fitzgerald’s eight-week sideline ban and has come up with an ingenious idea to keep the Wexford boss off the pitch. “We’ll put an octagon on the sideline,” shouted McGregor. “Davy would be locked in for the duration of the game but would be… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE PUBLIC is being urged to report cheats who are abusing the generosity of the system. The Department of Social Protection urged people to take action following information they received about an underemployed man with a funny accent known to be a complete fraud. The man, known as Leo Varadkar, is believed to be travelling… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Cheerios Smell the Coffee Takes the Biscuit Has Beans on Toast Sandwiches Hamfisted Cheesed off Dinner/Meat Porky pies Turkeys Lambs to the Slaughter (In humble pie) Fishy Cod Mullet Over Carp Flounder Just Desserts Custard Pie I Scream Fudge Labour Party Rebrand

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week: ‘Charity’ The voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. An organisation set up to provide help and raise money for those in need. Not to be confused with Sisters… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Jamestown, Sky 1, Friday – Period drama. Disinterested Tory geek Brokenshire is sent to balance the interests of two warring factions – one that he despises; another he doesn’t care about – in a far-flung corner of the Empire. How long can he go on pretending to know what he’s doing? Tediously predictable. THAT ST… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Excuses to date Possible next excuses Forming a government The next Star Wars film Sort out latest garda scandal Irish language in crisis Stoppin government from falling apart Next garda scandal Mayo in All-Ireland final Mayo in an All-Ireland final (Come off it!_Ed) Christmas Autumn floods Staring match against Alan Shatter The Puck Fair Shamrock… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Rory Best – Honoured and delighted to represent the Lions #allforone Robbie Henshaw – Delighted and honoured #allforConnacht Jared Payne – I’ll play with anyone #allforthecash CJ Stander – Wait till you see me singing the Lions anthem, bro #realpride Conor Murray – It’s just a stinger, I’ll be grand in a minute #mefuckingneck Johnny… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Not Bothered: 10-1 shot, fancied in last two outings but faded over last furlong Couldn’t Be Arsed: 2-1 favourite on last run before pulling up with line in sight Lazy Bones: 15-1, in with a shout but not a stayer Not A Fan Of The Stick: 50-1, gallant trier but reacts badly to encouragement Turf… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

In recognition of yet another exciting Irish Grand National, the Phoenix looks back at the big winners and losers. Gerald’s Fancy This world-famous stable has always had a reputation for pulling fine fillies out of thin air. This was the case when trainer Kean romped his way throughout Fairyhouse with the much loved Gerald’s Fancy…. Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ2; 9pm – Body Shopping: Cosmetic surgery programme. Watch brave south Dubliners take the plunge and piss their savings away on expensive procedures. Gory. BBC1; 10pm – Songs of Praise: Live from the celebrations at Green Party HQ after Trevor Sargent’s decision to pack in the politics for good to become a priest. Joyous.

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement Ethics? Don’t make us laugh Corporate History Independent News & Media is the market-leading media company in Ireland, creating print and digital content designed to engage with our audience. All that changed in 2012 when Denis O’Brien became its largest shareholder, a position he retains today. Social Responsibility The group is fully committed to… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE AVERAGE rugby fan tells at least 15 people per week that he’s “not into the soccer”, according to a new study. The study also shows that the “not into the soccer” line is mostly used when a player is down pretending to be injured. The message from the rugger buggers is passed on mostly… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fred Fossil ENVIROMENTALISTS have warned that the latest studies show “time is fast running out” to curb the “dangerous emissions” from Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary if the planet is to be saved. “In the last five minutes the levels of hot air and putrid rubbish have soared, literally, to unprecedented heights,” says analyst Herbie… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Lord Mint of Polo ONLY a few short weeks after the new £1 coin was issued in the UK, a new £1 coin is to be issued. Minister for Coinage Lord Mint of Polo explained why. “The new £1 coin will be smaller than the old, er, new £1 coin and because of this the… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week: ‘RAE’ The Urban Dictionary defines RAE as follows:- Very attractive, sexy, considerate and adorable. Hopeless (They got that bit right! – Ed) romantic, Rae will always tell you the truth about anything whether you like it or… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fantasy Rugby – Gerry Thornley’s pre-match predictions Bolters – Eager hacks filing 10 new Lions articles daily “Ultimate honour” – Contractually obligatory soundbite from all players Japes – What the English lads were up to when arrested by New Zealand police “Four Nations coming together” – Four fringe players caught in prostitution sting

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

GREAT SCORE: Delaney and English are known for their reserved and graceful behaviour when out in public THERE were wild celebrations across Europe last night as news broke that UEFA was joining John Delaney. The football organisation was accepted into the FAI chief’s world where it will take up a new position alongside his girlfriend,… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite food: Sour grapes Favourite film: True Lies Favourite TV show: The Commish Favourite song: Thorn In My Side, The Eurythmics Favourite book: Clear and Present Danger Favourite musical instrument: Recorder Favourite animal: Weasel

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

BUST UP: O’Sullivan said she identified with the bloodied passenger who was removed from his position kicking and screaming GARDA COMMISSIONER Nóirín O’Sullivan has condemned the decision of United Airlines staff to forcibly remove a high flyer from his position. Dr David Dao was dragged kicking and screaming from the plane he was on when… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement – We enrich people’s lives – especially our own Corporate Responsibility We are committed to following the lead of our awesome founder, Steve Jobs, to spearhead digital communications innovation aimed at ecstatic customers who appreciate empathy, free virtual ear-plugs (in case Bono and the rest of U2 are around), stylish design, raindrops on… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

CLASS ACT: Seamus Coleman being comforted here by teammate Shane Long after fi nding out Brendan O’Carroll had been given his own chat show RTÉ HAS defended its decision to show explicit replays of Brendan O’Carroll’s new show, All Round To Mrs Brown’s. The station was inundated with complaints following its decision to show graphic… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Breakfast: Smell the coffee; Hard cheese; Down the pan-cakes; Toast (Note: limited portions due to shortage of dough). (In the) Soups: Grasp the nettle; Tough tomato. Lunch: Making ends meat: Cooked goose & stuffed artichokers in sauce that’s also good for the gander; Humble pie; Future-at-steak with pickle. Fishing around: Floundering; Skate (on thin ice)… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

A RECENT internal garda audit in the Templemore training college has uncovered some interesting expenditure claims. Items on the garda expenses account included: 5,000 gallons of whitewash 150 bitter pills 700 Dirty Harry box sets 14,500 cases of breath-taking arrogance 1 speechless Paul Williams 1 red-faced commissioner Countless redacted reports Dozens of spineless crime correspondents… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Due to an anticipated reconfiguration of personnel and procedures, vacancies are expected at all rank levels in the near future. Can you count to at least a million? Are you committed to the highest degree of integrity at all times? Have you a neck not unlike a jockey’s b**locks? Could you recognise Clare Daly if… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

WORST OFFENDER: FF leader Michéal Martin has had to tear up his entire press strategy now that the word ‘unnacceptable’ has been nixed By our political staff, Pól Corr POLITICIANS across all parties were coming under growing pressure last night to accept that unacceptable was no longer an acceptable way to describe their feelings towards… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

A WHEEL SHAME: Perdisatt says he pines for a time when he could have 15 pints, drive home and still forget where he parked his car the previous night A MAN who gave up drink-driving five years ago says he feels like a complete fool in the wake of the latest garda controversy. After hearing… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

MONDAY TO SUNDAY (including Public Holidays) 0645 to privitisation – delayed 0700 to insolvency – on time 0715 to Labour Court – running behind schedule 0800 to Bus Éireann management office – cancelled 0900 from Shane Ross’s office to Bus Éireann HQ – delayed indefinitely 1000 protest strikes to front pages – running as normal… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

WHAT can I say? I am very family orientated but the word mum simply doesn’t do my mother justice. It is far too limited to describe our relationship. For she is so much more than a mum to me; it’s like she is my personal secretary. That is how close we are! We have such… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael – Full Clown Costume, including Red Noses Fianna Fáil – Cowboy Hat and Boots Sinn Féin – Balaclavas Labour – Full Chicken Suits Independents for Change – Marvels Avengers Masks Solidarity – Prisoners’ Fatigues Green Party – Kermit the Frog Outfits

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by our Business Staff, Phil Pockets Robert Pitt Charismatic, courageous, seen as a safe pair of hands, INM’s chief executive (affectionately nicknamed “The Pits” by close colleagues) has built a solid reputation by protecting his own interests at all costs. His spat with Leslie Buckley has transformed the way the company is run beyond the… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

BULLSHIT GRATIA BULLSHITUS Is now taking applications for enrolment into our new super hip-tech south Dublin school at the back of some industrial estate. Are you an ex-pat based in Ireland for whom school fees are paid by some multinational? Do you fancy spending more than you need to on school fees? Then send your… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

RED SCARE: The WHO has issued a picture of this man, an early sufferer of the disease, as a warning of the disturbing physical symptoms patients can expect to present with THE WORLD HEALTH Organisation has confirmed an outbreak of Red C fever is expected to engulf the island of Ireland shortly. The horrifically tedious… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

HORROR: Our artist’s impression of Dublin after SF takes power based on the current view of Talbot Street from Independent House THE latest nightmare vision of Sinn Féin holding the reins of power will send shockwaves through the country’s political system – unless readers haven’t already seen it on our front page every day this… Read more »