August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Synchronised Downhill Two-Man Bobsleigh Enda Kenny and Mike Noonan Unsynchronised Indoor Two-Man Bedsleigh Maynooth Seminarians Drinking Marathon James Heffernan Wrestling (For Control Of Fine Gael) Leo Varadkar and Simon Coveney Sprint To Nearest PR Opportunity Shane Ross Swimming Out Of His Depth Simon Harris

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

POSH: Cian and his Leinster teammates in their younger days WOMEN throughout Ireland were last night calling on Irish rugby bosses to repeal prop Cian Healy from the game. The calls follow outrage over the player’s remarks about a Dublin wall mural, which were taken as insensitive by the pro-choice movement. Said one lobbyist: “For… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Hold a benefit concert, headlined, of course, by Niall Breslin, to raise funds necessary to bump mental health services spending from 6% of total health funding. 2. Niall Breslin’s book Me And My Mate Jeffrey to be placed on the SPHE course in Junior Cycle, to target the one in six young people aged… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Radovan Karadžic Jerry Kiernan By A. Pauling Kimmage TELEVISION stations across the globe say audience figures for the Olympic Games are plummeting following recent scandals and controversies surrounding participating sports. “We need another fast, it’s been too long since the last one,” says a worried BBC executive. In Ireland, a Cavan farmer confirmed the mood…. Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Pól Corr EMBATTLED leader Recep “Endagon” Kenny has survived another challenge to his leadership – but the war may not be over yet. The rebels first attempted to take over the national television station but instead only managed to invade the Saturday Night with Miriam studio where they were warmly welcomed by the audience… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Niamh Borin THERE was widespread overcrowding at A&E departments all over the country this week, as the nation got to grips with the Sindo’s George Hook interview. An unprecedented wave of nausea swept the island on Sunday, when readers caught first glimpse of the story, headlined: “I got my kicks from wearing women’s knickers… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

EQUESTRIAN: Reports from within the Irish camp have confirmed that team captain Enda Kenny will now compete in the equestrian events at Rio after all. Says a Team Ireland spokesman: “All the lads favoured Enda for the high jump last week but he wasn’t having it. So eventually we decided to let him stay in… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOP SPORTS boffins have revealed that this year’s Olympics will be the hottest yet, with those Brazilian bombshells ready to set pulses racing at the games over the coming weeks. And our readers are in for a Rio treat as we shoehorn in every possible photo we can find of semi-clothed Brazilian babes flaunting their… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

 By I. M. Gutted ENGLISH FANS have more than had enough of team boss Sam Allardyce following the national team’s failure to win a single game since the former Bolton, West Ham and Sunderland gaffer took over last week. Not only has the national side failed to win a match or score a goal since… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT TD Michael Healy-Rae has strongly denied having to ask the same question 115 times in the Dáil’s final session before Minister Simon Harris understood what he was saying. The denial comes as calls increase for the Dáil to set aside a separate session to deal with Deputy Healy-Rae’s representations amidst fears that the entire… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Details have emerged of the new evening schedule for the TV3-UTV Ireland hybrid: 7:30 The Cube Contestants are locked in the Cube with the Xposé presenters. The winner is the contestant whose ears bleed the least. 8:00 Paul Williams’s B&B Roadtrip Crime Journalist Paul Williams travels around Ireland visiting places you would never think of… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

PANICKED: This tabloid news editor said he was “delighted” that he didn’t have to put another story about Graham Dwyer on the front page By Senan Sationalist THERE was widespread relief across Irish media outlets as a former Miss Bikini Ireland was caught up in the recent coup attempt in Turkey. Despite 232 deaths and… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Day 5; April 23 I PICKED up my briefcase and strode confidently across the Dáil bar towards my target after adjusting my trilby over one eye, and pulling the mirrored sunglasses from the pocket of my beige trenchcoat. I can safely say, no one suspected me. He was of very pale pallor, suggesting a man… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Eat the breakfasht Write 115 Dáil questions Attend 4 funerals Have the dinner in the middle of the day More Dáil questions A few shlaps at the shmart Alecs above in Dublin Lishten to the death notices Attend 5 wakes

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Spikes – Russian drug tests Head gear – Russian slang for steroids Finish line – Last bit of Russian cocaine Shooting – A doping method Time trial – Race to find clean urine

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Rita Ann Higgins So, manky Galway is Capital of Culture But crappy Ireland is Capital of Vultures Where for our ogyny Their smelly Ass-its Are the pits The little sh*ts Only pay itty bits Country of Tax My arse It’s a farce!!!

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Wallacer: A person who indulges in entertainment and celebration without regard to cost. See also: The Full Wallace: A lengthy session of self-indulgent activities usually involving copious helpings of food, drink and purchased in full at one’s own establishment.

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

SHOCK: Even Power himself wasn’t sure that he played golf THERE WAS shock and delight in Co Waterford with the announcement that golfer Seamus Power would join Pádraig Harrington at the Olympics. The two were brought in to replace Rory McIllroy and Graeme McDowell who were said to be “washing their hair that weekend”. “It came… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

REPUBLICAN PARTY presidential candidate Donald Tramp has upstaged the Democratic National Convention and shocked observers by announcing that he intends turning Mexico into a patchwork of golf courses! “I intend re-naming the entire area ‘the Golf of Mexico’,” he added. When informed by one of his caddies (surely aides? – Ed) that the US did… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By D.J. Vue Taoiseach Enda Kenny has defended the re-appointment of James Reilly as Fine Gael deputy leader “on the basis of his unique political experience.” Speaking to reporters at the opening of another gaffe (Surely day centre or even a pub?_Ed) yesterday, the Mayo leader explained that Dr Reilly was “well used to failure”… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT TD Mick Wallace has come under criticism from other members of the Dail after it was revealed that he paid his son Fionn €14,520 for ‘research’. Several TDs have taken issue with the fact that Wallace did not adhere to the traditional style of brown envelope favoured by most members of the house. “It’s… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MINISTER Katherine ‘Zapper’ Zappone’s decision to vote against Mick Wallace’s fatal foetal  abnormalities bill in the Dail has angered abortion rights campaigners who view it as a betrayal of one of her election promises. However, Zapper has defended her decision noting that it was made after consultation with medical experts and the infallible Attorney General…. Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MODEST: Football ace Ronaldo said afterwards that his sideline encouragement was crucial to the win Ireland’s Labour Party has hailed Portugal’s Euro 2016 win and wants members to “take heart and encouragement” from the Iberian nation’s triumph. In an emotive post-match reflection, a party spokesman said the Portuguese had “showed that perennial failures can eventually… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

CV Name: Tony Bliar Address: A big mansion somewhere Age: 63 Work experience: 1997 – 2007: UK Prime Minister 2007 – present: After-dinner speaker Strengths: u Can destroy defences from miles away u Can lead non-believing players into battle u Self-confident u Good form away from home. u Performs well for media u Promise to… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk’s newest Agony Aunt answers your questions: AT THIS time of year, readers often write me and ask: ‘ Aunty Mick, what can we do to keep our kids occupied during the long summer holidays?’ I’ve always believed children will find creative ways to entertain themselves once given some minor resources. Experience taught me that… Read more »