INSIDE BRENDAN HOWLIN’S HEAD
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
1. Must invite Baldy over for a nice sip from the decanter 2. This’ll ease me nicely into retirement 3. I feel two feet taller already! 4. What the hell is this ‘socialist’ thing people keep asking me about? 5. Please, please God let Enda notice me and wave today! 6. I’ll never forget the… Read more »
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Strike it lucky with TESCO
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
Strike it lucky with your shopping this week by coming along to TESCO’S! All of our stores are currently still open and we have a wide variety of super bargains for you while staf… er, stock lasts!! Just consider these bargain proposals: Visit our confectionary aisle and take the biscuit or choose from our wide… Read more »
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Gardaí may appoint Vickers
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
An Garda Síochána have said they are giving “serious consideration” to appointing Canadian ambassador Kevin Vickers to a special role fighting gangland crime. Vickers last week tackled a protestor during a remembrance ceremony at Grangegorman Military Cemetery, and it is believed that he later single-handedly fought off a dozen men in an attempted robbery on… Read more »
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THOSE EURO 2016 DANGERMEN
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
Goan Harpoonimson (Iceland): Ruddy-faced stopper currently plying his trade with German side FC Kaiserslaughterm. Tends to drift in and out of the contest but will spill blood for the cause – as long as it’s not his own. Haffa Bierbelli (Italy): Barrel-chested midfielder who has spent his entire career with West Hammered; a gutsy performer… Read more »
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TAOISEACH PROMISES ‘AS MANY NOTEBOOKS AS IT TAKES’ TO DESTROY GANGS
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Des Aster As pressure builds on the Government to resolve Dublin’s gangland crime wave, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has made his most radical pledge yet to provide An Garda Síochána with the extra resources needed to stem the tide of savagery. “I have instructed the justice minister to make available as many notebooks and pencils… Read more »
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Gangland attacks intensify
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
by Our Crime Staff – Conor Lolly With no end in sight to the vicious political in-fighting currently raging on Dublin’s streets, there were fears last night that gangland violence is likely to intensify over the coming months. Hostilities between the rival outfits – led by Enda “Dull Boy” Kennyhan and Micheál “The Monk” Martin –… Read more »
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CHARLIE BIRD BOOK EXTRACT
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
In this compelling extract from the RTÉ reporter’s new book on last May’s marriage referendum, he talks to one of the key figures in the day’s drama Charlie Bird: “For many years, I have had to deal with the supposed shame of being an RTÉ correspondent who likes appearing at major news events and shooting… Read more »
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News filler not about Leaving Cert shock
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
by Our Examinations Staff – Eddie Kation In an unprecedented piece of journalism yesterday, a national newspaper ran a lengthy news article that he nothing to do with this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Said the editor: “I know it is unusual, but a real news story landed on my desk last night and I felt an… Read more »
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Jobless figures drop in inner city
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
THE GOVERNMENT has welcomed news that unemployment levels in Dublin’s north inner city have dropped. The latest figures suggest that fewer people are signing on due to taking up short-term positions with an expanding company in the locality. Jobs that have been filled range from ‘looking out’, ‘writing threatening graffiti on walls’ and ‘courier and… Read more »
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KENNY REVEALS NEW GANGLAND PLAN
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
Following the outrage over the latest gangland killing, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has revealed his plan to stop the violence. “I have ordered the construction of a large two-dimensional bat-shaped object,” said the Fine Gael leader. “We will place it over a giant floodlight and aim it into the night sky. We have done a lot… Read more »
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“Every cliché” to be exhausted in Garda reform
June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Our Police Corr – Frank Drebin Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan has vowed that “every cliché” will be exhaustively explored as the force deals with the fallout from the O’Higgins report. The Gardaí were sharply criticised by the Policing Authority last week and are also facing questions over the ongoing gangland killings. “Rest assured I’m doing… Read more »
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Chinese ‘almost as bad as O’Gara’ shock!
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Ben Denee – Royal correspondent A “furious and appalled” Queen Elizabeth now considers the Chinese government “almost as rude as Ronan O’Gara”, according to Buckingham Palace insiders. The shock revelation comes days after the Queen had confided privately to her umbrella that she considered the treatment of the British ambassador to China by Chinese officials… Read more »
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BARBARIC TREATMENT OF PRISONERS SLAMMED
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
Amnesty International have called for an end to the barbaric treatment of prisoners after Niamh Horan visited Wheatfield Prison for a Sindo piece. According a spokesman, this inhumane approach to reform needs to be stamped out immediately. “We’re not saying prison should be a holiday camp,” he commented, “but inflicting self-promoting Sindo hacks on the… Read more »
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NEW EUROVISION OUTRAGE
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
EUROVISION BOSSES have demanded an apology from Ireland after sending another turkey to the song contest. “We warned you about this,” said organisers, “after that Dustin thing. The EU built your roads, paid off your farmers and bailed you out after you ALL partied. And this is how you repay us? By sending an even… Read more »
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Premiership latest
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
WEST HAM chairman David Sullivan has blamed “low-quality glass” for the scenes that marred the Irons’ last home game at Upton Park. The Londoners were hosting Manchester United in the Premier League but the visitors’ bus was attacked by fans outside the ground. Videos and pictures showed home supporters throwing bottles at the bus windows… Read more »
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Nation stunned as report finds Garda unit investigated crime
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Apalling Williams The Irish nation was in shock again last night as it emerged that gardaí in the Cavan/Monaghan division investigated a burglary at a house in the district in 2008. The shock finding reveals that the force dispatched a squad car in accordance with basic response procedure before a garda took statements from… Read more »
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A reading from the Book of Áras
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
Chapter 12, Verse 10: Jesus, she doesn’t half go on And in the 16th year there didth walk amongst the people of the land a woman they called Sabina, wife of the Poet Michael of D with whom she didst abide in the Big House. And being rich of robes and high of heel Sabina… Read more »
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Labour want Big Sam!
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Sikassa Parrot – football correspondent In a move set to rock the worlds of politics and football, Ireland’s Labour Party want Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce as its next leader, according to leaked information. The Black Cats gaffer is currently regarded as a hero on one half of Tyneside, having successfully guided the Premiership club out… Read more »
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GARDA PULSE COMPUTER GUIDE
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
PAUL McGUINNESS’S iPHONE PLAYLIST I Just Called Mossack Fonseca To Say I Love You Accountants Move In Mysterious Ways Panama Money Money Money Stayin’ Alive (And Offshore) Big Spender A View To A Killing You Sexy Shareholding
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PADRAIG HARRINGTON’S GOLFING LEXICON
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
Gimme – More interest from my account in Panama Hazard – The risk of dealing with Mossack Fonseca Moving Day – Time management team changed investment funds Wire-to-wire – How banking works
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Varadkar memo to St. Vincent’s hospital
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
Re: The Mother of all Rows I hereby refer to recent issues whereby the arrival of the above mentioned has given birth to a fast-growing dispute. This department is expecting you to produce a maternity service free of cramping and it is inconceivable that I will allow this kind of situation to de foetus. Hence… Read more »
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Alan Shatter Uncovered
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
1. We should never forget the real victims in this sorry affair, ie. myself 2. My reputation has been restored – I’m the country’s smuggest politician again 3. And its greatest author – just remember my bonkbuster novel, phworr! 4. A simple Senate seat is the very least I deserve 5. I’m tired of people… Read more »
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O’Higgins inquiry findings (in full)
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
1 Nobody in An Garda Síochána has ever done anything wrong. 2 Especially not senior management. 3 Indeed, most of whistleblower McCabe’s allegations were overstated. 4 Anyway, the only gardaí to blame are those young inexperienced trainees. 5 But that’s all in the past now and everyone has been completely vindicated, including former Commissioner Callinan… Read more »
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Leadership battle heats up
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
It emerged last night that all seven Labour Party deputies have now thrown their hats into the ring in the leadership contest. The current front-runners for the prestigious post are: l Brendan Howling, 60. Dynamic middle-of-centre pro-European who believes passionately in a new kind of collective non-leadership and in raffish grey suits. l Alan “AK47”… Read more »
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Labour Party ‘could be next Alan Kelly leader’
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
Labour Party TDs were last night declining to comment on speculation that they will lead Alan Kelly in opposition in the new Dáil. The party is understood to be considering the proposal from the South Tipperary TD following the resignation of its Tánaiste Joan Burton. “I feel it’s a great opportunity for the Labour Party… Read more »
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Gangs unveil shooting schedule
May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Gall Williams The gangs at the centre of the feud in Dublin have revealed details of their shooting schedule for the coming weeks. In an unprecedented move, details of the planned shootings have been released in order to prevent the public and the authorities being inconvenienced. However, An Garda Síochána have stated that despite… Read more »
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IN TOMORROW’S ELECTION SPECIAL
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
64-page Election 2016 Round-Up Fionnan Sheen: Why is there so much about the multi-talented Independent candidate Averil Power in the papers? Henry McGoo asks why the Green Party manifesto is full of ridiculous claims about oil not lasting forever. Heidi Grossburger: What Renua’s Lucy Creighton can learn from America’s tough-talking political whirlwind, Sarah Palin. Fintan Tool… Read more »
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Comment – Still too early to tell
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
by Dan O’Whine The possibility set out in this column eight weeks ago – that I would still be repeating myself in two months’ time – has come to pass. Will the new era of Irish politics resemble more closely Sweden or Italy? It’s still too early to tell. It appears increasingly inevitable that a… Read more »
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Ireland ‘will resemble The Gobi’, warns Kelly
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
In his most passionate statement yet against suspending water charges, acting environment minister Alan Kelly has warned that “Ireland is on the road to becoming a vast, arid, uninhabitable dessert populated by wild camels and watched over by vultures feeding on the carcasses of dehydrated householders,” unless the taxation remains. Visibly emotional that his leadership… Read more »
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Those CSO figures analysed
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
Environment: • Ireland has the highest waste recycling rate in Europe with 67% of what’s on TV3 being garbage that originated elsewhere and a further 39% coming out of Eamon Dunphy’s mouth yet again. Families: • There’s one born every minute, with almost two-thirds of the population having paid water bills in the past year. Health: • Ireland has serious health issues with nearly… Read more »
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RTE’s Martina moves out
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
After a “hastily-convened meeting” RTÉ has decided to confine its foremost political correspondent, Martina Fitzpatrick, to delivering her daily TV news reports from the safety of a darkened street. This follows a spate of outragous interruptions inside Government Buildings, as Ms Fitzperfectly filed her numerous reports on the ongoing negotiations on the formation of a… Read more »
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Suspended sentences shock!
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
In a move that will reverberate around the Law Library, another leading judge has entered the suspended sentences controversy. Mr Justice Sharpe-Beak has contended that the law allowing activation of suspended sentences was a key driver for the historic agreement between FF and FG on the formation of the new government. Up to then a… Read more »
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Eurovision latest
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
EUROVISION HOPEFUL Nicky Byrne has revealed that he ‘never wanted to sing again after Westlife’ and now his dream has come true. ‘After selling (out) so many records over the years I felt like I couldn’t continue in the entertainment business,’ he said. ‘Luckily for me, this Eurovision thing came up and now I am… Read more »
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ALL PURPOSE CONOR MCGREGOR ARTICLE
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
Pride of Ireland / Ireland’s shame Conor McGregor has given two fingers to / been put in his place by bosses at the UFC. Having announced his retirement / disappointed his fans, the Crumlin hero / mouthy Dub has shown the MMA promotion up for what they are / how not to conduct business by… Read more »
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VARADKAR LIKES JOHNSON
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
Smug TD and confused negotiator Leo Varadkar has said he likes “Tory toff Boris Johnson’s way of doing business”. In an interview with The Oxford University Miner, Leo declared, “I like Johnson. He pretends to care about Brexit when really he’s manoeuvring to be PM. I think this is really admirable. It’s kind of like… Read more »
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POPE’S ‘JOY OF LOVE’ INITIATIVE DISAPPOINTS CATHOLICS
May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
Tens of thousands of Irish Catholics have reacted with disappointment to Pope Francis’s Joy of Love leaflet after it failed to meet their expectations. “I really thought this time he was going to go for it,” shrugged a disconsolate masochistic transvestite brothel owner in Cork. “But he stuck to old ways of thinking. I had… Read more »
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