July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Those senior Garda retirement packages in full: Lifetime supply of Nathan Carter tickets ’Dirty Harry’ dvd ‘Less of the attitude, pal’ t-shirt Functioning breathalyser Guide to private security sector Free GSOC membership Black bin bags for old mobile phones Plenty of whitewash

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Magill Summer Schoolzzz Come and listen to some of the most boring men imaginable (and some women) droning on and on about the imminent collapse of capitalism, post-Brexit apocalypse dysfunction and the prospect of irretrievable cultural decline on a global scale. With Fintan Tool, Colm Tóibín Una Mullally, Roddy Doyle, Mary McAleese and Joe O’Connor…. Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

By our security insurance correspondent Heidi Hole The cost of insurance is having a detrimental effect on the warehousing business, with many in the sector threatened with closure in the near future. The most recent closure came as a particular shock to the industry. And it could be 10 years before it opens again. As… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Nobody does it better! Never-to-be-repeated bargains! Nine revolvers Four semi-automatic pistols Sub-machine guns Glock pistols Assault rifles 1,355 rounds of ammunition 42 balaclavas, black Assorted ‘Scarface’, ‘Sopranos’ and ‘Love/Hate’ DVDs So bite the bullet now and try to get here before the Garda. Free ‘Arsenal’ replica shirt. GUNS’R’US Warehouse Regency Road, Crumbling, Dublin RE-OPENING SOON…NEW… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING the EU’s controversial decision to end seasonal clock changes, Ireland is still undecided about which time zone is better for the country. “It would be profoundly serious if two different time zones were to exist on the island,” said justice minister Charlie Flanagan yesterday. However, there has been a different reaction in Northern Ireland…. Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Health minister Simon Harris moved to reassure the public last night that a reconstructed HSE “will easily cope” with half a dozen simultaneous debacles if the current structure is broken into regional jurisdictions. “Rest assured that every regional head will have had vast experience in dealing with every conceivable scandal and disgraceful episode imaginable,” said… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Nurses: Regional staff will enjoy the option of individual walk-outs or waiting until discontent spreads and joining an all-out national strike. Beds: Punters, sorry, patients will still enjoy access to no beds for six days in line with established practice. Grievances/complaints: Patients who have been seriously wronged or even merely misled may bang their heads… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Mary had a little lamb Mary had a little lamb, with fleece so shiny white It followed her to school one day to learn to read and write But uniform and books and quill cost a grand at least Oh how the mums and dads did cry to see the lamb being fleeced. Jack and… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

IT’S NOW likely that every one of the country’s leading companies will pull out of Ireland en masse if there is a no-deal Brexit on October 31st. “Ireland is facing its greatest crisis since the foundation of the state,” said Rebecca Crisis of the Irish Times. “No wonder people are filled with horror when they… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Who is she – the new president-elect of the European Commission? A former gynaecologist and mother of 14, Ursula von der Leyen has left European capitals abuzz this week as she prepares to take on the EU’s toughest job. After a distinguished 23-year career in Brussels working under Otto Handintill and Rene La Payola in… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Whenever I think of Wimbledon, it always brings back painful reminders of how I have chosen to serve, only to be called out and said to be at fault by the assorted bas***ds who chose to betray me for their own political ends. Alan Shatter Anything to do with the courts is of course of… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

History to be replaced by theirstory Manholes on premises to be designated personholes Geography to avoid focusing on any one place in favour of a more fluid approach Pink salmon and bluefin tuna to be replaced on school menu with grey mullet Biology to be banned Chemistry to avoid reference to any pH less than… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t Yikes! Just days to go before the ghastly Mrs May finally rides off into the sunset, leaving yours truly in charge. So who are my team? Let me introduce them: First up is the PM, the head honcho in complete charge of everything. And, of course, that’s… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Departing from Tango Avenue, the march will proceed in a God-fearing straight line to Crimson Street, where it will swing right past the third set of police barricades. It will then trample across the barricaded entrance to Papist Mews, during which the band will strike up ‘We are the Champions’ by Her Majesty the Queen…. Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Child workers all over impoverished areas of Asia proudly raised their voices in celebration this week as Penneys, an Irish company that has been providing employment in the regions for years, celebrated 50 years in business. “We work for pennies,” they chanted, while banging the tables with their fists and tears of joy streamed down… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

NON-STARTERS Old Ma Hogan’s Scrambled Egg (on face) MAINS Meat Ballsup with mishy mash Imported Beef in a chlorine jus Steaks (are high) SWEET TROLLEY South American Bread Rolls JUST DESSRTS Gaucho Fillet (of wallet) With deep-fried Oodles of Cash Rich (Argentinian) pickings Brazil Nuts Traditional Creed Waffle and Fudge Sauce TO DRINK Special Mercusor… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil outreach: Mary Lou McDonald Poppies: Liadh Ní Riada Active age: Gerry Adams Leadership material: Pearse Doherty U-turns: Martin Ferris? Designer stubble: Eoin Ó Broin Annoying Simon Harris: Louise O’Reilly

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Industry Staff Phil Front-Page Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe yesterday defended the decision to abandon the pay cap in the public sector for the country’s defence forces. Speaking on RTÉ, he said, “It’s absolutely vital that we give the army a little more money – especially as they are going to be working… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Catholic Church has demanded a swift apology from Leo Varadkar following his controversial comments about the organisation. During a heated Dáil exchange, the taoiseach compared Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin to a “sinning priest”. This prompted uproar among members of the clergy, who were stunned by the comparison drawn with a senior member of… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

WHILE THE FAI has dismissed suggestions that Boris Johnson could be the next chief executive of the troubled organisation, the rumour refuses to go away. The one-time shoo-in for UK prime minister has watched his poll ratings plummet on foot of a high-profile ‘off the ball’ tackle last week and football observers here say that… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dramatically change culture of Irish soccer by qualifying for tournaments Glenn Whelan to be banned from staying in the same position for longer than eight years John Delaney to only be allowed sing Kate Bush songs Women’s football to be taken seriously (sort of) Climate-change responsibilities mean keeping grassroots in the dark References to Declan… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t Phworr! What a totally historic time for Bojo to finally take his rightful place in the No 10 hot seat. And let me just pay tribute to my distinguished predecessor, Mrs Mayday, who has been an eminently exceptional Tory leader and has coped pretty brilliantly, despite not… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar recently wrote to Madonna asking to pose for a photo and also the opportunity to collaborate on an album along with some showbiz pals. Tracks include: Maudlin (solo by Leo) God Control (featuring John Delaney) No Future (with assorted backbenchers) Crave Power (featuring Kate O’Connell) Butch I’m Loco (with Murph) Looking for Mercy… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Once seen and heard sticking its beak in here, there and everywhere, this fly-by-night creature has now been reduced to just one disconsolate member, according to observers. “It has been brought close to extinction by its resilient predator, the Leowl,” says one expert in has-been species who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of retribution…. Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Iranian government has confirmed that it was responsible for bringing down a high-flying drone. The noisy robot, one of the ‘Donald’ range, was thought to be cruising at an altitude of “several lies per minute” when it was knocked off course and its ratings were seen plummeting to earth. There is little detail about… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

9am to 9pm curfew on Danny Healy-Rae emitting any more hot air. More recycling of fossilised ideas from Shane Ross, Richard Bruton etc. Any toxic Garda behaviour to be buried very, very deep. Suggestions emitted by Micheál Martin to be doused in cold water and allowed decompose naturally. More wind turbines far from where ministers… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

MIDLANDS Love Island sensation Maura Higgins says she “dearly hopes” her performance on the reality television show will inspire her native Longford footballers to “go out and get what they so dearly want, what they need”. The 28 year old has wowed viewers with her tenacity and determination to come out on top of every… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

Tacky reality show in which a group of extrovert contestants pretend to be close friends. Behind the scenes, they are all secretly trying to screw one another every chance they get. Viewers will be watching avidly tonight to see if Leo will eventually come clean about taking any drugs during his university days. Is this… Read more »

June 27, 2019 Craic & Codology

by our Health Correspondent Seth Downe IN A shocking new development, the Minister for Health Spending, Simon Harris, has announced that the Irish health service will face yet another crisis from next week. “It’s true,” he confirmed. “I have been advised that, from next week, every hospital in the country will be occupied by patients…. Read more »