January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

DODDS noun. Fearful deep-rooted suspicion of any change. (Ulster-Scots origin.) E.g. “Nigel keeps repeating the same old tissue of dodds.” PLAN B noun. Aspirational promise to achieve something – anything – after everything else fails miserably. E.g. “Mrs May is intent on using Plan B in a further attempt to cling on to power.” OTOOLE… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS – Politicians unable to agree shock ON OTHER PAGES • Leo celebrates his own birthday – p4 • Photo of Vogue Williams’s baby – p7

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Has-beans; toast; smell the coffee Light lunch Something cheesy with pickle on brown bread; hot water Dinner Fishy: choice of cod or Healy-ray Vegetating: Hot potatoes; leeks; corn-on-the-cobblers Just Desserts Trifle upset & going bananas

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Our farmers, Who art on tractors Hallowed be thy herd Thy Kingdom cow That will be done on hearth As it is in ovens Give us this Dáil Our daily meat And then give us green pastures So we can give those Who trapes past against us Bacon, cabbage temptations That delivers us from vegans

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Simple Simon: Well that’s another load of old guff spouted into the record books. Snobby Ross: Yes and you didn’t go too fast…good man! SS: Of course; I know where the border is between attentive and bored! SR: I thought a few of them in the front row were starting to nod off… SS: That’s… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has defended his decision to maintain the partial government shutdown and has insisted that his Democratic opponents are to blame. In a series of executive tweets overnight, the president said: “I am sincerely emproudened to see myself as protectifying a great point of principle here, just like Marvin Luther King had… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

WHO’S AFRAID OF NEGATIVE PUBLICITY? Haunting portrayal of discord in the world of Irish theatre, culminating in unforgettable farce when 300 theatre practitioners chase Abbey bosses Neil Murray and Graham McLaren around the building. Director: Josepha Madigan LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO PENURY Searing examination of isolation and alienation, focusing on an aspiring actor trying to… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dion Fawning of Woe.ie The English city of Nottingham has been declared a no-fly zone following the appointment of Martin O’Neill as Notts Forest boss. The move has been made in anticipation of the number of balls expected to be launched into the stratosphere as O’Neill’s reign commences. “During O’Neill’s spell in charge of… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

As a doctor, parents often ask me, “Doctor, how much will this prescription cost me?” It’s a frivolous question, but to humour them, I always explain, “It should work out at about €5.50, although that could easily rise due to unexpected but very understandable happenings, such as er, the sun rising in the mornings, birds… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Saluti Bobus Geldfukoffus auld hairi scraggli e mouthus alwaysi openni per profanatii hurlatus ad infinitum ad infinitum e beardi unkempti au resemblum bogbrushum e givus headachius au screamius awfuli au nolikeum Mondaysium e worsius e bosom pallum au tedius Bononevershuttupius au togethrium worthium billionariums au flyum firstclassium e waggi fingerii atallofus per giveus f***ing shekels… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

IRISH self-promoter Vogue Williams and husband Spencer Matthews have been celebrating the birth of their E4 reality series (cleverly entitled ‘Spencer, Vogue and Publicity Too’). Relaxing last night in a quiet London restaurant, with hundreds of their closest photographers, the loved-up celebrity duo reflected on a whirlwind year in the public eye. Said Vogue: “From… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

The pencil broke Was meaning to do it on Thursday… The priest promised to have a word with him We were all young wan time… He was in the GAA They agreed to bring the squad car back undamaged if we dropped it Lost track of time while removing penalty points

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Our Political Reporter, Martin Wail Panic and anger has gripped the Irish cattle industry, as farmers struggle to contain the latest foot-in-mouth outbreak by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. The crisis broke out after the Fine Gael leader said cows were deadly killing machines intent on wiping out humanity with cancer, heart disease and farts. (Surely… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Looking relaxed and cheerful, a smiling Conor Murray posed for photographs yesterday as he told reporters of his “months of hell” after deciding to tell nobody anything at all. The Ireland international, who was sidelined with a brass-neck complaint that kept him out of action for almost five months, chatted happily with fans as he… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite musician: MC Hammer Favourite film: Shattered Glass Favourite song: ‘The Air That I Breathe’ – The Hollies Favourite TV show: ‘Breaking Bad’ Favourite businessman: Malcolm Glazer

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Jen Derbalance Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed has defended meeting Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Ahmed faced strong criticism from his people for seeming to turn a blind eye to the status of women in Dáil Éireann, the temple of power known as the ‘Holy Grail’ amongst Irish politicians, as they pray for elevation to… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has assured the country that “every cliché possible” is being explored ahead of the upcoming final vote – until the next one – on the Brexit deal in Westminster. “The Irish government has given Theresa May further reassurances that we will come out with the usual stock responses when this vote is… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Luas this morning • Tens of thousands of unanswered emails from disgruntled commuters. • Additional graphic details of muggers, addicts and party-goers falling about and getting sick. • Medical records of passengers who have suffered bruising and asphyxia on crowded trains.

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail TWO sons of the high-profile Kerry South TD Michael Healy-Rae have issued statements concerning media stories about their father’s abusive behaviour in a public place. For the past seven years, there have been countless newspaper reports detailing the Independent Deputy’s antics on the floor of Leinster House. On numerous… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

No 9: SHANE ROUTS THE FAIKERS – from the Book of Geriatrics And at the time there were amongst the people a group known as the FAIkers who wielded great and who were led by a man called John. The FAIkers were long of tooth and rich of meal vouchers and great was the gnashing… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Varadkar Giveaway Staff – Phil Front-Page TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar’s eco-friendly initiative aims to beat climate change by giving people who save energy “free cheques in the post” for good behaviour. Speaking to reporters last night, Mr Varadkar insisted that there were very compelling reasons behind his latest plan. “This giveaway is less to… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE APPOINTMENT by Minister for Culture and Holy Communion Josepha Mad-one of a team of ‘Cultural Ambassadors’ is only the first move in a grand strategy by Leo Varadkar’s government to “dominate the globe using only the power of art and brassneckedness”. The initial selection of five lesser-known personalities is understood to be a move… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

2019 is going to be even more beautiful because it will be so special. That means I will be making a VERY big announcement. BIG. It’s currently so classified that people will have to wait a little longer before hearing about my top-secret plans to run for the presidency in 2020. I will also appoint… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

MAY verb. to quake or shiver in the face of looming disaster. (N. Irish origin.) e.g. “The Prime Minister still believes that she may secure unwavering DUP support over the coming year.”

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ongoing tsunamis of Miriam O’Callaghan interviews on TV and radio Volcanic eruptions from Sinn Féin Massive avalanches of gibberish from the Healy-Raes John Delaney’s wages identified as fearsome black hole Incessant floods of Amy Huberman’s ‘work’ everywhere Famine of even half-effective solutions from Eoghan Murphy The Ray D’Arcy Show More Una Mullally columns

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Too many drivers amongst the rural chaps are thinking about alcohol when they get behind the wheel. I’ve resolved to eradicate this dangerous distraction in 2019 by rolling out roadside lie detectors. I will tackle this problem head on and at speed. – Minister for Dictating, Shane Pothole I’m not yet sure what Leo has… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

AT THE start of another new year, after the usual glut of Christmas goodies, a lot of Irish newspapers start to slim down and look amazingly thin. Just how do they do it? Now you can share their incredible secret by following the amazing ‘Get Really Lean in 2019 Plan’, as practised by all the… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Martina Fitzgerald “PAUL WHO?” FOLLOWING THE surprise replacement (surely ‘shafting’ – Ed) of Martina Fitzgerald as political correspondent at Montrose last week, there has been uproar both inside and outside RTÉ. The appointment of the clearly male Paul Cunningham to the position has raised the spectre of sexism at the state broadcaster, given that it… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Corry Dore In his latest move to reassure the Irish public, health minister Simon Harris has promised to “reduce crowding and offer faster diagnoses” of HSE scandals in the New Year. The move follows complaints that scandals are being crammed alongside each other into hard-pressed news outlets. It was also claimed that some scandals… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Farewell thee well then Lillie’s Not really a bordello I never went there Unlike Jagger and Bono Strutting their stuff So I read in the Sindo In Barry Ego’s old guff And I didn’t go to Lillie’s Cos reading that sh*te Was more than enough … M T Glass

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Junior ministers protest over expenses THE CRISIS surrounding Dublin’s hotel accommodation costs took a turn for the worst last night, with fears now rampant that some Fine Gael junior ministers may be reduced to availing of B&B accommodation. The grim news comes after rural ministers raised concerns that hotel costs were eating into their wages… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Starters Humble Pie Waffle Spring Rollover Mains Peas (best before Good Friday 1998) Chuck a l’orange Cooked Goose with Belly-up of Pork Off the Trolley Irish Border Fudge Fruits of Office (with added sweeteners) To Drink EU Whines

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE Minister for Health has promised to solve hospital overcrowding this winter by introducing a “new and innovative approach”. Winter Plan (in full) n Sick people to remain at home during the cold winter months n Wrap up warm and watch Casualty and Doctors on TV n Fast-track treatment for people who bring their own… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Includes: * Especially For Me * I Believe in Publicity * Spinning Around (as usual) *Can’t Get EU Out of My Head * I Should Be So Lucky (for now) Singalong with Leo this Yuletide (…or else!) BEST BOOKS FOR XMAS 2018

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Grease-Mogg Revival of the classic kitsch musical about a rebellious aristocratic Tory MP who falls passionately in love with himself. Trouble starts when he tries to act cool in front of his unruly pal Boris. Slick toe-tapping numbers include ‘Euro The One No One Wants’ and ‘Hopelessly Out Of Touch’. The Snoreman Enchanting seasonal story… Read more »