December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Roy Keane team motivator kit From conkers to Champions League, whatever game you’re playing at, fine tune your side’s determination with this unique motivation package from Ireland’s utmost sidekick! Each kit contains:  Three ferocious beards – seething stubble, growling growth or bristling bush 75 reasons why your charges are a useless bunch of w**kers!… Read more »

December 13, 2018 Craic & Codology

Q: What is the purpose behind this initiative? A: To correct the grave misconception that all bankers are greasy-palmed, money-grabbing vultures. In fact, some are not. Q: How do we know this isn’t a well-planned PR stunt to win back respect after a litany of scandals? A: Going forward, the fact of the matter is… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Neil Alldraw Gardaí say they are “not at all concerned” after two men, who had been skating on thin ice for some time, disappeared from view yesterday. Witnesses say the men, known as Martin and Roy, had been “frowning at people and boasting about destroying Italy” for months beforehand. Said one observer, “Everyone was… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing about the feasibility of the post-European withdrawal agreement, which was announced this week.  Under the terms of the Withdrawal Treaty Agreement Framework (WTAF), a transitionary period of two years will be implemented before a hard exit sometime in late 2020. While the scheme has been welcomed for bringing certainty to a chaotic… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our dance correspondents: Strick Lee and Twink L Towes What it is! The backstop is a crazy new dance routine that involves dancers representing Ireland, the United Kingdom and Europe dancing at Brexit speed (Surely “breakneck” – Ed) along a mazy line known as “the hard border”. How it works! Ireland, represented by a… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

The North Pole has revealed the most requested gifts from Santa this year: Subbuteo (Ireland edition)  Tactical game of risk in which the team’s chief executive tries to deflect attention away from himself and on to the underperforming management team and players. Expected to sell out again and again.  A House Urban version of FarmVille in… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Peadar Tóibín: Party leader, with special responsibility for promoting freedom of conscience within the party in relation to the abortion issue. P. Tóibín: Deputy leader in charge of protecting the freedom of conscience of elected representatives, so that they can all fully support the pro-life campaign. Peter Tobin: Spokesperson on political, economic and social affairs,… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: No Way Back  Favourite song: Time to Say Goodbye, Andrea Bocelli Favourite TV show: Party of Five  Favourite band: Babyshambles  Favourite shop: Principles  Favourite cream: Whipped  Favourite exercise: Skipping it  Favourite clothing: Belt and braces  Favourite animal: Swan off  Favourite food: Eggs 

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has hit out at critics who have accused her of “hobnobbing with the super-rich” at a fundraising Christmas dinner in the United States. Speaking outside Leinster House last night, the Dublin Central TD complained that she was a victim of discrimination and was being grossly mistreated – particularly by Fine Gael…. Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

And there lived in those times a loud man, florid of countenance, who was known as “Hooky” throughout the land. Famous for his pompous expertise in rugby punditry and for his fiery utterances on any subject that came into his head, not a day went by when his sermons and moral exhortations were not heard… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

“Single use”, a term that describes a minority or coalition government (Surely “items whose unchecked proliferation are blamed for damaging the environment and affecting the food chain” – Ed), has been named Collins’s Word of 2018. New dictionery words include… posh (adjective – informal) 1. very smart luxurious. 2. upper class. Believed to be an… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

A great night of back slapping and freebies had by all. Winners 2018: Award for Causing Collapse of Criminal Trial and Costing Your Paper Tens of Thousands of Euro – Irish Indo Award for Biggest News Room Rows – Daily Mail Best Use of Filling Space in a Paper – The Irish Times Arts and… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fresh from concluding a mega-bucks deal with Face-off, businessman Johnny Ronan (who is planning to build the biggest ego in Ireland) has vehemently denied that it is a “vanity project”. “The erection, in the Phallusian style, will be the largest in Dublin,” he pantingly explained. Already dubbed The Johnny by an anonymous Dublin wag, the… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Friction: 1. Blame it on Boris 2. Red Tape 3. Queuing for a living 4. Stop! Who goes there? 5. Turning back the clock Non-Friction (Frictionless) 1. Night crossing 2. Smugglers of South Armagh 3. All Clear on the Northern Front 4. The way we were 5. All along the watchtowers

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Professorship of driving a car over the Dáil plinth Professor of how to get Mitchell O’Connor re-elected in Dún Laoghaire Professor of how to put up with being an advisor to Mitchell O’ Connor for more than one day Professorship of making sure MMOC is never demoted again Professor of stupid ideas that get publicity

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Following the success of its recent rushed schools repair programme, the government has announced that all future schools will be built to this new standard. Basically, schools will be built of scaffolding covered with a soft mesh, without any annoying inner dividing walls or precast concrete outer walls that could be dangerous. Teachers – or… Read more »

November 29, 2018 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s Fittest Family – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30PM Join Kathryn Thomas and some very lazy RTÉ programmers as they run out of ideas,  flog dead horses and try to exorcise the memory of Finding Joy. Taken Down – RTÉ One Sunday, 9.30PM A vulnerable prime minister is continually harassed and bullied by a group of… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our election staff Pól Corr Presidential runner-up Peter Casey says he now blames himself for mistakes made in the presidential election and believes the strategy he adopted cost him the contest. Reflecting on the campaign during a long-deferred trip to a barber shop, the Derry-born millionaire concedes he “spent too much time and energy”… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

SDLP leader Colum Eastwood has confirmed his party is in talks with Fianna Fáil about a merger ahead of next year’s local elections.  This follows on from a series of deeply disappointing election results and the failure of its weak and uncharismatic figurehead to make any meaningful impact with voters.  While the negotiations are at… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

A septuagenarian living in Dublin 8 has won his claim for €1.7m. A Mr Michael Twee claimed he suffered serious reputational and injurious damage as he attempted to cling on to his job. Witnesses spoke of Twee holding on to a moving state-owned Lear jet as he attempted to piggy-back his way to Belfast. Twee… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

0 People who still have confidence in Eoghan Murphy’s housing plan 75 Number of new crannogs to be built by the end of December 44 Fianna Fáil TDs wringing their hands 100 Airbnb vouchers to be distributed to homeless families 49 Fine Gael TDs whistling past the graveyard 60 Years it takes to turnaround vacant… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

You can’t trust those Fianna Fáil bastards Those Blueshirt bastards are not to be trusted But they’re still preferable to the Shinners You can say that again So the best approach is to buy time …and votes By cobbling together the usual guff in the national interest Always works a treat It’s Leo’s best hope… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

One in three Irish drinkers has binged on alcohol in the past year, says a new Healthy Ireland survey. Binge drinking is defined as having six or more standard drinks in a single session – the equivalent of three pints of beer. But the really shocking news ish that thish figure could be, hic, shet… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Name: Fintan O’Toole Publication: Irish Times Category: Broadsheet cat litter tray Entry: You simpletons need not fear my superior intellect Name: Brendan O’Connor Publication: Sunday Independent Category: Sunday bog roll Entry: Any fool can lose weight. But writing about it every week requires commitment. Name: Paul Williams Publication: Irish Independent Category: Fairy tales for adults… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Long, long, long ago last week, when Ireland was a land tormented by great uncertainty, there was said to exist in the northern reaches of the island, a magical creature known as the Backstop. The only one of its kind in the entire world, everyone spoke about the wondrous animal, which many claimed would cure… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Former president Mary Robinson is standing firm on her call for people to go vegan to tackle climate change. The long-standing campaigner, who runs a climate justice foundation in her name, said she was determined to spread her message about the carbon footprint danger. Speaking in to The Hague yesterday, the former UN High Commissioner… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Luas surfing Rush hour contact sport that can be played by up to 1,000 players who risk life and limb grappling with addicts, drunks and school tours on the tram. Points and pay outs are awarded for serious injuries for victims who are prepared to go to the courts. Borderdancing Traditional British folk dance involving… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our Paris Correspondent Mara Larlowe When my editor asked me for a few thousand words about the Jamal Khashoggi I knew, it placed me in a very difficult position. Should I write that I first met Jamal Khashoggi in January 1992, when we were both covering the military coup that prevented the Islamic Salvation Front winning parliamentary elections… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Republic of Ireland boss Martin O’Neill says preparations are “already well under way” for his side’s crucial encounter with Denmark in November. “We are using video technology a lot,” the manager reassured. “And Roy now has actual footage of where every player lives and how to get there. “So if we need to boost anyone’s… Read more »