July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

WIMBLEDON has been thrown into chaos following the announcement that men’s doubles stars Shane Ross and Eamon Dunphy have split up. The shocking news has devastated the tennis community which had hoped the pair would continue to play out their well-rehearsed routine throughout July. The duo reached breaking point when Ross became obsessed with how… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING their successful missile tests, North Korean scientists have revealed some other cutting-edge programmes they’ve been working on, including: VHS recorder Paraffin oil lamps Ulster Scots dictionary Fidget Spinners The new U2 album Next guest on Saturday Night with Miriam Poolbeg incinerator Jobstown garda note taker Artistic director of Harry Crosbie street theatre Pay by… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

EXAM students all over Ireland are demanding that they be automatically allowed to repeat examinations they have done badly in, using the original exam paper so they have a fair opportunity to achieve higher points. Said one student: “My eighth subject was, loike, Jopanese. “I will, loike, dafinitely need to repeat. I never even completed… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

As part of our coverage of the 2017 Confederations Cup in Russia, Goldhawk profiles some of the managers at this year’s tournament. Cameroon  – Shane de Rossi This flamboyant right- winger terrorised opponents down the years with his relentless attacks. However, he has found the transition from player to manager very difficult and stands accused… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fast Spin: Limousine trip on the motorway Full Cycle: Everyone gets to go on holiday eventually before we start again Hot ‘n’ Cold: Brazil first and then a weekend in Iceland Tub: Large container of ice cream towards the end of the banquet Powder: Gift for herself’s nose at Christmas Tumble: When the jewels fall… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Whitewash – What New Zealand cross often. Also end of series result Pride – What they’ll pretend they’re playing for after this Saturday’s defeat Dirt-trackers – The team that doesn’t face two more thrashings by NZ All Black – The team’s outlook on winning a Test

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles Favourite player: Tommy Coyne Favourite signing: Quinton Fortune Favourite midfielder: Matty Cash Favourite genre: Cooking Books Favourite character: Artful Dodger Favourite analyst: Garth Crooks Favourite musician: Muddy Waters Favourite destination: Moneypoint

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

ROYALIST BLUE: These marchers have been described as triumphalist, supremacist and detached from reality AS MARCHING season begins in earnest, the rest of the country’s GAA football teams have been told to be extra careful around Dublin. The Boys in Blue are marching to another All-Ireland final determined to walk in a straight line the… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

‘LOVELY PEOPLE’: Mr Public was delighted to see smiles on the faces of top banking executives and investors after years of doom and gloom A KIND-HEARTED Irishman who heroically saved an entire organisation from collapse, says that he is “absolutely thrilled” to learn that the wealthy investors are poised to become very rich thanks to… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Tintan O’Foole THERE are no prizes for winning prizes. Nor should there be; for winning is all about losing. This irrefutable fact became irrefutably factual to me in the most irrefutable manner on receiving the coveted Orwell Prize which I recently irrefutably won. It was a proud moment in the fleeting fleetness of that… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Riviera — 8PM, Sky Atlantic: The over-the-top lifestyles of the rich and famous are essayed in this lush drama. Watch as overpaid prima donnas scrap for creative control and moan about each other to the Sunday papers. Puffed up. Secondhand Lions — 9AM, Sky Sports: Disaster film. With egos inflated by months of press coverage,… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

A drama starring Amy Huberman Ring the BBC and ITV about any original stuff they’re flogging A comedy starring Amy Huberman Something with Pat Shortt in it A documentary presented by Amy Huberman Spruce up the Angelus again More make-up for the weather girls Give Johnny Logan another bash at the Eurovision Tubridy’s dream project:… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

“I’m against it. I was once accused of being in a relationship with a bunch of gardaí and a female judge.” Shane Ross           “I’m all for it. The Labour Party supports getting into bed with all and sundry, regardless of political affiliation, beliefs or scruples.” Brendan Howlin      … Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week – DUP Origin. contraction of Do + up. To Do Up, to repair, to improve, to present oneself well. Eg “The party’s HQ is in a good location but it needs doing up a bit; say £2bn worth of… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

1. Spontaneous spells of hot air causing mild discomfort but soon passing to most likely return periodically. 2. Remaining static up North with a slowly departing front in the South giving way to frost and ice. 3. A seemingly never ending shower that somehow continues to get worse. 4. Unruly, unpredictable movements coming in from… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Dr Sir Lord Bobbus Geldofus, amicus Bonodius apud raggedi hairi scraggias ratstailium et foulus gobbus et multi millionarium quod askius givusius yerfuckin moneyum et neveri shuttupi et singerius uselessius apud Boomtownium boringfartsium et looni oanboatus Thamesium apud Nigelius Faragius et nexius desirus spacium tripius apud beardi Bransoni Virgini Galacti hopefullium onewayum! BOD AND AMY’S… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

QUIT THE DAY JOB: The actor is adjusting to civilian life but was visibly frustrated yesterday after being forced to queue at his local supermarket By Hollie Wood AUDIENCES have given a major thumbs-down to three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis following his latest performance as a non-actor. The Wicklow man made his debut in the… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

OFF THE REICH: Exclusive leaked pics from the extremist model’s new autumn clothing line CALLS were growing across Ireland and Europe last night for a reality TV activist with extremist views to be interned in the Saturday fashion supplements indefinitely. The demands come amid fears that comments made by controversial Z-lister Vogu Ew-illIams were an… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mikill Oleerji Head of the much-feared Ryanair sect, has issued fatwas against both DAA and EU legislators. Regularly delivers chilling communiques promising further punishment for Ryanair customers. Lee Ovaradkjar Pictured here during his training. Dispatched rivals in a cutthroat leadership election, now firmly in control of the notorious Fine Gael faction. Preaches zero-tolerance approach towards… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

(with apologies to Glen Campbell) I am a linesman in Carlow county, But Down is my home. And if Diarmuid Connolly wants to attack me, Let him come. The Dubs need him more than want him. Now they won’t have him for some time. My name’s Ciaran Brannigan And I still run the line. Doodle,… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Geography: 1. Discuss any three disasters that have already been unearthed due to the persistent climate at the top of An Garda Síochána. 2. What planet is Danny Healy-Rae on? Maths: 1. At the present rate of depreciation how many more general elections before the Labour Party disappears forever? 2. If you received €1 for every time… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

It is our view that the merger of Celtic Media with Independent News and Media could result in the following: a) Tens of thousands of households being flooded with Denis O’Brien’s view of the world. b) Re-heated “humour” columns penned by Declan Lynch or Brendan “Brennie Hill” O’Connor leading to mass depression and self-harm across… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

IT HAD to happen eventually. It couldn’t go on forever. The whole of Rome and every tabloid newspaper in the world is in mourning this week at the retirement of Ms Hottie Totti from the pages of the tabloid press. Ms Hot-to-trot’s husband, Francesco Totti – a useless, over-rated stay-at-home footballer – joined her as… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

ROY KEANE has lashed out at the Republic of Ireland team after no one died for the Republic of Ireland during their 1-1 draw with Austria. The assistant manager had issued a rallying call for the team to follow in injured captain’s Seamus Coleman’s footsteps and put “their bodies on the line”. “Sure we got… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

RIGHT-BACK TO THE EIGHTIES: Fans of the troubled UK club have already mocked up this banner for next season in anticipation of the young Irishman’s arrival TROUBLED top-flight English club – Conservative AFC – say they are prepared to splash the cash to secure the services of Irish ace, Leo “Young Vlad” Varadkar from Fine… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has condemned the decision of the DUP to allow a weak unpopular government to remain in office. The Cork South Central TD claimed there was a moral responsibility on the Democratic Unionist Party to do the decent thing and have another election. “Their deeply cynical and opportunistic behaviour to keep… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach and Minister for Narcissism: Leo Varadkar Minister for Preening: Tom Neville Minister for Natural Smugness: Paschal Donohoe Minister for Imperial Affairs: Lord Ross Minister for Shouting: Michael Ring Minister for Oiliness: Regina Doherty Minister for Gombeen Outreach: Michael Lowry Minister for Exit: Simon Harris Minister for Protestants: Heather Humphreys Minister for Entitlement: Kate O’Connell… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

IN common with other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Jeremy Corbyn was leading Labour into oblivion. Headlines such as Corbyn Singlehandedly Destroying Labour and Corbyn Couldn’t Organise Piss-Up In Brewery may have added to this impression. However, following Labour’s unexpectedly impressive showing in the election, we now realise Mr… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

1 Jan 18 – Public sector ire to increase by 100% 1 Oct 18 – Outrage amongst newly recruited teachers to increase by 75% 1 Jan 19 – Cabinet ministers with phones off to increase by 50% 1 Sep 19 – Gardaí blowing fuse to increase by 60% 1 Jan 20 – 80% increase in… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

Following a change of leadership in the Fine Gael party, the following alterations have been made by the Independent Alliance to the partnership agreement: Stepaside Garda Station to become a World Heritage Site No references to Shane Ross’s opinions before 2016 More publicity for John Halligan Pretend Fianna Fáil are relevant Michael Harty to be… Read more »

June 15, 2017 Craic & Codology

The Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Teams (CUNTs) have revealed the terms and conditions of their minority government deal All Trident submarines to be powered with woodchip boilers Acknowledge climate change is man-made but that the gays are responsible A permanent ban on papal visits A royal pardon for Arlene (just in case) No mention of… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

JAMES BLAND: Coveney pictured here at an audition following a casting call for Double 0 Zero LEO Varakar’s rival for the Fine Gael leadership, Simon “Simo” Coveney, says he has not given up his ambition to lead Fine Gael and has promised that he will capitalise on Leo Vlad’s admission that his appeal is limited… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

1 Everyone in the country to be much better off 2 Particularly those who get up early in the morning 3 Special tax cuts for private sector workers who rise at dawn 4 Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens 5 Public Service shirkers to finally get their comeuppance 6 Outlaw all future strike action… Read more »

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: It’s Over, Roy Orbison Favourite film: The World’s Fastest Indian Favourite TV show: The Weak in Politics Favourite musical: A Man Of No Importance Favourite saint: St Jude Favourite proverb: Whistling Past The Graveyard Favourite drink: Tepid water Favourite bread: Stale Favourite holiday: Bland Bay, New Zealand Favourite temperature: Lukewarm

May 31, 2017 Craic & Codology

I’m one of those early risers that Leo’s talking about. It warms the heart just to know that we’re at the forefront of his mind as he bids to lead the country. I usually get up about 5.30 or 6 depending on when the street sweeper needs me to move up a bit. Sometimes it’s… Read more »