Craic & Codology

Super Simo lashes Vile Vlad!

JAMES BLAND: Coveney pictured here at an audition following a casting call for Double 0 Zero

LEO Varakar’s rival for the Fine Gael leadership, Simon “Simo” Coveney, says he has not given up his ambition to lead Fine Gael and has promised that he will capitalise on Leo Vlad’s admission that his appeal is limited to “people in the porty who get up urly in the morning.”

SNORES

“Excuse me, but I appeal to the people who go to bed early at night,” Simo whimpered, to rousing snores from the audience. “And there are many more of them. So there.”

“As leader, Leo might like to swan around the town, sipping fat whites and having glacamole instead of mushy peas with his late night snack from the chipper, but my supporters are the tea-and-toast-at-ten people. The Just-In-Time people – The JITS. And I have got more of the jitters than Vlad.

Coveney will today unveil his secret wagon (surely “weapon” ?– Ed) in his long term quest for total dominance of the Fine Girl party. This is believed to be, er, Kate O’Connell (Who she? – Ed).

The plan is for Simon and Kate to rotate the role of Taoiseach equally between them with Simon taking the first 20 hours and Kate taking the final four. “And if we can get that far without an election,” she said, “we’ll have well exceeded our own expectations.”

Meanwhile, people across the nation are being treated for over-exposure to the Blueshirt leadership contest. “It’s like that film Alien Vs Predator,” said a punter. “Whoever wins, we all lose.”