Doesn’t play during the summer Doesn’t play during the summer
Courts publicity Publicly in court
Troubles with taxman Troubles with linesman
Has a hot girlfriend Has a hot temper
Loves Monte Carlo Hates County Carlow
Punches above his weight Throws his weight around
Toppled Barcelona Toppled Ciaran Brannigan
Wears heart on his sleeve Wears blood on his sleeve

Keano’s Keen on Kolkata

RECORD-SETTING Irish striker Robbie ‘Keano’ Keane has joined his boyhood heroes Atleticó de Kolkata (ATK) in the Indian Super League. “It’s always been my ambition to play for ATK, ever since I had my first chicken vindaloos in the back streets of Wolverhampton, Coventry, Milan, Leeds, Tottenham, West Ham, Glasgow, Liverpool, LA and, err, Tallaght,” said the much-travelled striker.   

“Once the chairman, Mr Singh-Song, told me about the scale of the club’s bank account (surely ‘the scale of the club’s ambitions’? – Ed) I didn’t think twice about joining the club of my boyhood dreams. My wife Cloudnine and my sons Striker and D24 are really thrilled to be making the short move from LA to Indiana.”

‘Keano’, who has clocked up more air miles (Surely goals? – Ed) than any other striker, said: “It’s great to be playing at the Taj Mahal stadium, near that New Deli, past the Sacred Cow roundabout.”