The Roy Keane team motivator kit
From conkers to Champions League, whatever game you’re playing at, fine tune your side’s determination with this unique motivation package from Ireland’s utmost sidekick!
Each kit contains:
- Three ferocious beards – seething stubble, growling growth or bristling bush
- 75 reasons why your charges are a useless bunch of w**kers!
- 25 threatening stare techniques, from ‘up your b****x’ to ‘Alf-Inge Haaland’
- 12 short fuses
- One P45
Price: Only €700,000 a year. (Cork accent not included.)
Arlene Foster Boots
Eliminate the danger of being blown off your feet by winter storms with this ultra-adhesive footwear!
Crafted by heterosexual cobblers using traditional Middle Ages techniques, each boot is made from 100% reinforced lead infused with glue manufactured from the gut of extra-stubborn Scottish mules.
No matter which way the wind blows or how strong the Gae … er, gales, you will remain firmly rooted to the same spot, going nowhere until long after the storm subsides.
Only €19.20 a pair
Available in orange parade, ash-grey or blood red. (Not suitable for moving forward.)
Peter Casey blow dryer
This functionary souvenir of the 2018 presidential election is a ‘must-have’ gift for the political animal in your life!
This unique figurine not only complements any sideboard, but doubles as an easy-to-handle hair dryer.
Select the preferred setting (choice of one) and enjoy endless streams of hot air. Press it again and it broadcasts a message while emitting even more hot air!
Made from 100% recycled Farageum, extracted from the rich seams of Trumpylvania.
Cheap at only 23.5%
Caution: May damage the hairs at the back of the neck
Not suitable for children or adults
“My advice is don’t buy this” – Leo Varadkar