Craic & Codology

THOSE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

New Year Fireworks

Shane Ross

Too many drivers amongst the rural chaps are thinking about alcohol when they get behind the wheel. I’ve resolved to eradicate this dangerous distraction in 2019 by rolling out roadside lie detectors. I will tackle this problem head on and at speed. – Minister for Dictating, Shane Pothole

Michael Martin

I’m not yet sure what Leo has in mind for me. – Assistant to An Taoiseach Micheál Martin

Leo Varadkar

I’m pretty much a perfect example to everyone as things stand, and everything I do is correct and efficient, so I’m really just resolved to remaining leader of Fine Gael and, by extension, Fianna Fáil for another year. Would you like a selfie with me? – Taoiseach Leo Smugadkar

Simon Harris

As health minister, I realise the importance of exercise, and I’m more determined than ever to lead the country by example. So expect to see me running round in circles even more this year, as well as jumping from one new announcement to another and definitely doing a lot of skipping as well, especially unwelcome statistics. – Minister for Flus and Trolleys, Simon Useless


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