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Goldhawk's Nuggets

Summit of the Century key points

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

No nuclear attacks before the end of Miss Universe competition KFC to open restaurant in Pyongyang presidential palace Stormy Daniels to be given an all expenses paid holiday to North Korea United States to reduce sales tax on uranium Donald Trump’s face to be carved… Read more »

Drumm pulls on the Green Jersey again

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND supporters are being urged to support Mexico at this year’s World Cup. Chairman of the Green Jersey Brigade David Drumm made the plea to get behind El Tricolor at this summer’s tournament. Drummer said the North American nation represented everything that is… Read more »

DAVID DRUMM’S MENU

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

Breakfast: Porridge, smell the coffee, egg-on-face, toast. Dinner: Meat: In a stew, porky pies, tripe; Fishy: Load of cod, shark Veg: Hot potatoes, leeks, beetrootful, tough tomatoes Herbs: Doing thyme, cost a mint Dessert: Fruit: pear-shaped, gone bananas, cashew nuts, date with the judge. All… Read more »

FINTAN TOOL’S SONG FOR IRELAND

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

Your chance to choose a new national anthem more in keeping with the demands of a modern country and of its greatest public intellectual. Vote early and often. The Harp that Once Through Tara Street The harp that once through Tara Street The soul of… Read more »

Ministers’ Mercs to be replaced

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross has revealed plans to replace top-of-the-range cars provided to Ministers with rickshaws. “It would have been unfair on taxpayers if we were to saddle them with the cost of scrapping the rickshaws so I have decided to use them to replace… Read more »

Doctor in the House

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House

After the drama of the marathon operation to remove the 8th Amendment, life is returning to normal in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. For hospital master Leo Varadkar, it’s a chance to get out and about again, first with a visit to… Read more »

PUTIN ‘GUTTED’ BY IRISH WORLD CUP ABSENCE

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

By Moss Cow RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has revealed his “immense disappointment” that Ireland failed to qualify for his nation’s World Cup. “I had been very much looking forward to meeting Comrade John Delaney at the games,” said the former KGB agent. “I have long… Read more »

TDs caught up in adoption scandal

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

A NUMBER of well-known politicians have been caught up in the adoption scandal. “Due to incorrect registration taking place, these politicians joined a different political ‘family’ than they intended,” said Minister for Children, Katherine Chapperone. Some of these unfortunate TDs may have no idea how… Read more »

CLARIFICATION

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

IN RECENT times we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team was on the brink of unprecedented glory. Headlines such as Schmidt’s Superheroes, Our Invincible Idols and Rucking Unbeatable! could have suggested the men in green were on the precipice of an… Read more »

Boris: I say!

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t CRIPES! And extra cripes! Talk about a bombshell! Madam May has only gone and sanctioned the dreaded Heathrow extension. And guess what? Poor old Bojo’s constituency is directly under the bally flightpath. Mind you, with the current… Read more »

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference

TRINITY COLLEGE TREE LEO VARADKAR Wooden Wooden Deep roots in Trinity College Shallow roots in Fine Gael Planted 170 years ago Plants self-serving stories in the media Toppled by disease Toppled Enda Kenny Covered in bark Barks at Independent Alliance Lots of leaves during the… Read more »

T.V. LISTINGS

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

• Lords and Ladles – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30pm Join celebrity chef Boris Johnson as he serves up the same tired old tripe from yesteryear to some very sceptical Irish and European diners. • Raised by the Village – RTÉ One: Monday, 6.30pm Bratty manchild… Read more »

World Cup by the numbers

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

18: Eamon Dunphy meltdowns… on the first day 81: Percentage of available Irish audience watching the BBC coverage 101: George Hamilton mixed metaphors 9000: Times RTÉ panel will say you can never write off the Germans 1.2 million: Disgruntled GAA fans complaining about the Sunday… Read more »

Those DUP policy shifts

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

The DUP has unveiled some new policies to attract and retain its (apparently) new-found nationalist/republican voters: Fish in Lough Foyle can identify as British or Irish Gregory Campbell to acknowledge earth is no longer flat DUP to lift ban on use of pot pourri in… Read more »

Melania Trump favourites

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Gone Baby Gone Favourite TV show: Lost Favourite song: Missing, Everything But The Girl Favourite game: Hide and seek Favourite rapper: M.I.A. Favourite destination: Split Favourite exercise: Cut and run Favourite insect: Flea Favourite detergent: Vanish Favourite food: Dessert

WORLD CUP FORM GUIDE

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

Manager May’s side will again be reliant on Foster to keep them in the game by staying onside and sticking to the game plan no matter how desperate things get. Meanwhile expect another half dozen “backstoppers” lining up in a token effort to shore up… Read more »

THOSE LEAVING CERT EXAM PAPERS

Date: June 14, 2018 - Craic & Codology

Maths: A) If three people ring Joe Duffy to complain about the HSE on Tuesday, how many are most likely to follow up with similar complaints on Wednesday? B) Taking 10% for buying fruit and 5% for vegetables, how many cans of extra strong lager… Read more »

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