Goldhawk's Nuggets

Maduro Leo
IRELAND DESCENDS INTO POLITICAL CHAOS

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

by Our Dublin Staff Anne R Key AS IRELAND teeters on the brink of political crisis over Brexit, General Leo Vladuro of the Ruling Party has again threatened to send thousands of troops to the disputed Northern Irish border. The move is seen as an… Read more »

CLARIFICATION

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

IN RECENT times, in common with all other publications, we may have led some readers to believe that we saw the Ireland rugby team as a sort of collective deity. We understand that some headlines – such as ‘Schmidt’s Super Trojans’, ‘Ireland’s Sporting Titans’ and… Read more »

terminator timeline
SHOCK NEW BORDER PROPOSALS!

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

The UK’s foreign minister, Jeremy Hunt, has said that Britain will take a few days to formulate suggestions to put to the European Union, in an attempt to resolve the issue of Irish border arrangements after Brexit. “The prime minister is confident that all 27… Read more »

Peadar Toibin
PARTY NAME SPLITS TÓIBÍN MOVEMENT

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail FORMER SINN FÉIN TD Peadar Tóibín revealed the name of his new party ahead of a public meeting in Belfast yesterday. Ireland’s latest political grouping is to be called Aontú, meaning unity or agreement. However, within minutes of Aontú’s… Read more »

Theresa May
MAY’S PLAN B (IN FULL)

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

1. Prime minister uses Tipp-Ex to change ‘Plan A’ heading to ‘Plan B’ 2. Take new plan to EU leaders in Brussels 3. Taxi waits while Theresa hangs around EU Commission building 4. PM listens to howls of laughter from inside Jean-Claude Juncker’s office 5. She… Read more »

Oscars
OIRISH OSCARS

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

Most Desperate For Attention: Vogue Williams for Three Photo-ops and a Baby Best Supporting Farce: Roy Keane in Dumb and Dumber Best Baldy Comedian: Danny Healy-Rae for Silence Of The Lamb Steaks Best Drowning Not Waving: Eoghan Murphy for Homeless in Seattle Best Tragic Performance:… Read more »

Two_Hearts_One_Love
VALENTINE RELATIONSHIPS UNDER STRAIN

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

Roy Keane and Harry Arter You may call it nag, nag, nag, But my love gives no quarters And that is why I lost the rag When I saw you with Jon Walters Danny Healy-Rae and Shane Ross Your shiny head, your way with words,… Read more »

Ed Honohan squares up to a rogue banker
HONOHAN’S LAST DEBT CASE

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

Ed Honohan squares up to a rogue banker Honohan: Next filthy rich financial institution versus downtrodden, gambling borrower please! Mr Creepiecrawlie for the bank: My client seeks to have €900,000 in borrowings prior to the 2001 Cheltenham festival returned forthwith Mr Master. Mr Smiley Barrister… Read more »

StD-3703
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3703

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference

Nicolás Maduro Bono Loves socialism Loves himself Taxes wealth Taxes patience CIA want to kill him Taxman can’t bill him Inflation is a problem Inflated ego is a problem Friendly with Evo Morales Friendly with amoral capitalists Retains support of the military Retains support of… Read more »

scary surgeon
MEDICAL LEXICON UPDATE

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

HARRIS verb: to irritate incessantly, to whine sanctimoniously and be a nuisance by constantly courting media attention and public affirmation (e.g. “That awful upstart seems to do nothing but harris people.”) COMPASSIONATE adjective: commonly used to describe young ambitious politicians who will say anything and… Read more »

fight
THOSE NEW GAA RULES

Date: February 7, 2019 - Craic & Codology

The Handout The organisation can receive an unlimited number. The Since Binned Anyone player lashing out at the GAA or marking someone’s card by blackening its name will be required to bin such insinuations. The Sideline Kick Players going forward to the media about fixture… Read more »

Medical matters Harris
MEDICAL MATTERS

Date: February 6, 2019 - Craic & Codology, Medical Matters

This week, Dr Simon Harris examines a contagious condition affecting the nursing profession As a doctor I am often asked, ‘Why are those nurses outside walking up and down with placards and is there any cure?’ The unfortunate creatures are suffering from what is medically… Read more »