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The Wesht Wing

Scene 1: The Easter Rising commemorations, Dublin. Heavily disguised, and using “back channels”, negotiators from Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael open talks about talks.
Man dressed as Countess Markievicz (actually Simon Harris): Psst! You there! Flag bearer in 1916 uniform.
Flag Bearer (actually Barry Cowen): Is that you Simon? Wow. You make a very convincing countess. But what’s wrong with your nose?
Harris: Nothing. I just have to hold it when I’m talking to you guys.
Cowen: The feeling’s mutual, Simon. That’s why I brought a pole. It’s extendible to 40 foot – in case I have to touch you.
Harris: OK. Enough of the insults. Are the soldiers of destiny ready to deal yet?
Cowen: Not quite yet, I’m afraid. The front bench accepts it’s inevitable, but the grassroots still haven’t forgiven ye for certain things.
Harris: Like what? Austerity?
Cowen: No – selling out the Republic in 1921. They’re still dealing with that.
Harris: Jesus! How long more do they need, realistically? Or are we wasting our time.
Cowen: Don’t worry. We’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse. But it’ll take another month or so.
Harris: A month? That’s a lot of time for us to be pretending to hold constructive talks with the Independents. Although we do need a back-up deal with them too. In case you bastards try to cut and run early on us.
Cowen: Yeah. Same for us with ye.
Harris: So I can report back to HQ that you’re making progress towards talks, however slowly. And we’ll meet again in, say, two weeks?
Cowen: Agreed. I’ll bring a shorter pole next time.


Scene 2: Grand National Day, Fairyhouse. After another big win for Michael O’Leary’s Gigginstown Stud, the Taoiseach presents the trophies and poses for photographs.

Enda Kenny (to the winning jockey): Well done young man. That was a bit close for comfort, I’d say.
Jockey: It was tight alright, (he slaps the horse’s neck, affectionately), but in fairness, this lad gave me a great ride.
Kenny (nodding towards Michael O’Leary): It was more comfortable than a ride with Ryanair, that’s for sure. You had no shortage of leg room at least.
O’Leary: Gee, thanks Enda. I’ll really miss your wit this time next year, when the new Taoiseach – Leo Varadkar or whoever – is giving me the trophy.
Kenny: Don’t write me off yet, Michael – you might be surprised. (He strokes the horse’s nose). But well done you too, big fella.
Horse: Neigh!
Kenny: Ha, ha – I hear that a lot in politics. Fair play to you: you may be only a dumb animal, but at least you always respond to the whip – unlike some of my backbenchers.
Horse: Who are you calling dumb? I’m not the one who had a booming economy and a hopelessly fragmented opposition and still managed to the lose the election.
O’Leary: There you have it. Straight from the horse’s mouth.


Scene 3: The Aviva Stadium. During a break in the Leinster v Munster rugby match, Leo Varadkar discusses political developments with fellow Fine Gael TD Eoghan Murphy.

Murphy: So I’m hearing the Sindo have a poll tomorrow saying 39 per cent of the electorate want Meehole as Taoiseach, compared with only 17 for our man?
Varadkar: Yeah – like, ouch! But what can we do? If only the party had a younger, more dynamic leader.
Murphy: So when are making your move?
Varadkar: Oh, there’s no rush. I gather that Enda’s unpopularity with Fine Gael is more than offset by the secret affection Fianna Fáil have for him. They consider him a potential asset, understandably enough. So while publicly calling for his head, they’d quite like to keep him there in any FG-FF arrangement, as rotating Taoiseach or whatever.
Murphy: And what? You want to keep him there too?
Varadkar: Well, I think I’d like him to be the one who leads us into what’s sure to be a bad experience sharing power with the soldiers. Then maybe, when Meehole thinks he has us where he wants us, we could arrange for Enda’s departure. I’ll have positioned myself as the anti-FF wing of the Cabinet. So after reluctantly agreeing to become leader, I’ll be the one to rescue the party from the mess Enda led it into, just in time for the historic 2018 election.
Murphy: God, You have it all worked out.
Varadkar: Or alternatively, I might be persuaded to shaft Enda next week and have done with it. I’m pretty flexible, really. That’s what being Minister for Health teaches you, if nothing else. You make things up as you go along.


Scene 4: Glasnevin Cemetery. After the unveiling of the 1916 memorial wall, the acting Taoiseach meets a former one.

Bertie Ahern: Well, have you seen de writin’ on it yet?
Enda Kenny: On what?
Ahern: On de wall.
Kenny: You mean the 488 names of the 1916 dead?
Ahern: No, I mean the bit dat predicts your immigrant demise.
Kenny: “Imminent” demise, I think you mean.
Ahern: So you did see it. I was wondering was it just me – I have a sixt sense for dat sort of ting.
Kenny (lowering his voice and leaning in): Speaking of which, what does your sixth sense say about this so-called Panama Papers stuff? I’m hearing a lot about an office in Drumcondra?
Ahern: Dat’s a pure coincidence – nuttin to do wit me. But, eh, I hear your pal Frank Flannery is mentioned in dispatches.
Kenny: Really? Not that he is a pal of mine, anymore.
Ahern: Whatever you say.
Kenny: I mean, he used to be our election strategist, once upon a time. But as you know, we didn’t use him on this occasion, for better or worse.
Ahern: Might turn out to be for better.
Kenny: And we were never that close anyway.
Ahern: Fair enough. (He looks around, ostentatiously) But what was dat strange farmyard sound?
Kenny: What sound?
Ahern: I taut I heard a cock crow dere – de turd time ye said ye didn’t know Flannery. But maybe I imagined it.

Zuma shock

By Joe Hannesburg

Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements to his house.
The property included a luxurious house and gardens, cattle enclosure, amphitheatre, chicken coop, swimming pool, visitor centre and helipad.
Said one Fianna Fáil veteran last night, “For Zuma to be using taxpayers’ money to fund this sort of extravagance is mind-boggling. I thought I was doing well with All-Ireland tickets and the odd trip to Brussels, but this man’s achievement under democratic rule is incredible. Even Charlie would be jealous!”
Agreed an envious Fine Gael TD, “The South Africans are an inspiration to every politician who has ever craved their own chicken coop and helipad. It just goes to prove that democracy works if you believe in yourself.”

Teachers strike warning

by Our Education Staff – Will Phail

Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI).
“It now looks as though we will have no alternative but to take industrial action over the coming months,” warned 26-year-old Polly Technic, Head of Media Studies at St. Jude’s Comprehensive. “However, due to the huge number of staff shortages, substitute teachers will need to be brought in to go on strike.”
Ms Technic appealed to the Government to take immediate remedial action to solve the issues of unequal pay rates and low morale.
“We don’t have enough teachers to stand outside school gates and cover the official picket lines,” she continued. “It’s time something was done – because it’s an absolute disgrace that there are insufficient numbers of trained staff to not teach our young people.”

RESTAURANT REVIEW

By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent

Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain Shattiér is at once both simple and pretentious with more than a hint of arrogance.
The chef was doing bird on the day of our visit and my companion, Rob, opted for the cooked goose and filleted stool pigeon with spilled beans – all handed down concurrently with porridge and thyme served.
Ignoring a rather raucous group at a nearby table, I decided to take a stab at the grill meat menu instead, and went for the horse’s head-in-a-bed special, with hot potato in lemon grass with porky pies and more porridge.
For dessert we broke out with I scream on artichokes before ramming down a cocktail of Bloody Mary, Brandywell and out on Baileys, which we positively slaughtered!

Verdict: Food to kill your mother for! (Which we did)

CRIME STATS LATEST

Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More of them need to resign to stop people feeling murderous,” says a senior garda. “It could bring the figure down to 10,000 if Joan Burton alone packed it in!”
Amongst last year’s statistics, 2,540 threatened to kick Enda Kenny into eternity the first chance they got, 3,976 vowed to strangle the entire Labour party, 4,812 swore they’d gladly do time for finishing off Irish Water, and a whopping 5, 076 promised to push John Delaney under a bus!

McShane Euro fears

MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is now a doubt to make the squad for the summer showpiece. However, four years ago the defender was unexpectedly added to the panel at the last minute for Euro 2012 by Giovanni Trapattoni.
Reacting to the news that 3,000 extra guards had been hired for the tournament, O’Neill said: “It’s always good to know that there are additional security measures to keep unwanted people away. I’m not inclined to pick Paul, but that hasn’t stopped him in the past. We’ll pass on his picture to the French authorities and keep him away from the hotel, the training ground and, most importantly, the games.”


 

ROSANNA DAVISON FAN CLUB MEETS IN DUBLIN 2

DEFENCELESS SOLDIERS BLINDSIDED
One of the Irish Volunteers

1916 Souvenir Edition

ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE

Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of violence were visible near the Irish Times offices, with one of our reporters even getting caught up in the skirmishes.

One of the Irish Volunteers

One of the Irish Volunteers

“I was in the middle of churning out some more pro-unionist rubbish when I heard a loud bang,” said the journalist, A Hack. “It was my editor hitting the table with his fist, as he cursed these bloody upstarts ruining Easter week. I went outside to take a closer look and saw that Irish rebels had opened fire on British soldiers, whose only means of retaliating was artillery fire, gunboats and thousands of reinforcements.”
Thankfully, historians are in agreement that this latest failed insurrection was of no historical import. “It will have no long-term impact,” said one commentator. “When they’re writing the history books in 100 years’ time, it will be totally forgotten about.”

Entire party throws hat in ring

Labour Election Latest

Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title “Labour Leader”.

They include:

Brendan Howling, 69, the dark horse in the contest and one of the brightest names in the political firmament; right of centre and believes passionately that he is “the right man for the coveted job”.

• Alan “AK” Kelly, 47, boyish, intensely ambitious. He is a passionate believer in his ability to replace the outgoing leader as soon as possible and take Labour into last place as usual in the next election.

• Joanie Burton, 67, just right of left and intensely hated. Although not standing, she is hotly tipped to spend her final days languishing on the back benches while she writes her revealing autobiography about how she was shafted by the old boys’ club – the bastards!


 

BURTON ATTEMPTS TO ENERGISE LABOUR PARTY

 

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
   
 MICHAEL HEALY-RAE  LEO VARADKAR
  •  Shameless self-publicist
  • Cute political opportunist
  • Cap firmly placed in Ring of Kerry
  • Speaks in tongues
  • Shameless self-publicist
  • Cute political opportunist
  • Hat in ring to replace Enda
  • Speaks with forked tongue
Miriam Lord’s Weak

Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks off? At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have one by Qatar 2022.
Enda Kenny wants to emulate Jamie Vardy, but at the moment he’s looking a bit Paul McShane. Micheál Martin, meanwhile, has appeared more Glenn Whelan than Yaya Touré. It’s fair to say the supporters are getting irate on the sidelines – the nightmare scenario is that we have to go to a replay. FF and FG are finding it hard to field full teams, and the roles of the Independent Alliance and the Rural Five remain unclear.
Truly, we need a ringmaster to take control of this political circus.

APPEAL FOR MISSING MAN

An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on an RTÉ bulletin at 8am commenting about something or other.
Gardaí became concerned when the historian failed to appear on any further TV or radio shows and have urged anyone with information on his whereabouts to contact the Garda Confidential Line or any Garda station. “At first we weren’t worried but it’s been over three hours now,” said a spokesman for the cops. “His family say it is extremely out of character for Diarmaid. If anyone knows anything, please come forward.”

Every school to have own liquor licence

Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues

027px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0005In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.”
The commitment comes after the Fine Gael leader promised fast speed broadband to every pub in rural Ireland. “It is every child’s right to have access to ultra-modern communication,” says a Fine Gael spokesman. “This initiative will ensure that no young student’s thirst for knowledge will go unquenched. We expect at least 30 interface hubs in every primary school front bar as soon as 2018, with subsided peanuts, three flavours of Taytos, billiard tables and dartboards.”


 

MICHAELLA McCOLLUM UNCOVERED

General election analysis – where did it all go wrong?

by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran

JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager anticipation about constitutional reform and a power-sharing arrangement between FF and FG.
Week after week, our special post-election supplements also outlined the possible shape of an exciting new minority government led by one of the two major parties. Unfortunately, all the optimism suddenly vanished and complete disillusion set in.
It soon became clear that our in-depth analysis was nothing more than the same old rubbish rehashed.
Our long-winded supplements speculating on the shape of the next government did not provide a radical new alternative to the standard cut-and-paste stuff.
In fact, everyone had read it all before and knew that the latest round of filler pieces would drag on indefinitely and remain unfinished by most readers who…
(That’s enough election analysis – Ed.)

WB YEATS ON SIR KNOB: “IMBECILE”

WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from
a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have taken up poetry if I knew an imbecile like Bob Helldof would be attempting to understand my poetry on national television”.
The poet blasted, “I’m supposed to be looked into by scholars and rich ladies; not some ****ing hippy emigrant from Blackrock who gets on his knees to Elizabeth Windsor!” He continued “Have you ever read Yelldof’s own lyrics? Sure a child on 80 cans of red bull could write better verse.”
He roared about the show’s title A Fanatical Heart, “A Fanatical Fart more like. What the hell were the likes of Neeson, Van the Man and Stephen Fry thinking? Geldof should do everyone a favour and f*** off back to Blighty or wherever he comes from.”

“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman
Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)
Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo)

A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence.
Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the documents was all a big mistake.
“This is clearly the result of an administrative error,” said Dodgy, speaking from his South American mansion. “I have a longstanding reputation as a generous philanthropist and pillar of the community, and any suggestion I was trying to save a fortune in tax is absolutely outrageous – I’ve never heard such a preposterous allegation in my entire life.”
Asked about documents showing him to be partnered in an offshore company with Colombian arms dealer Miguel ‘Psycho’ Sanchez, Dodgy said the arrangement was totally above board.

New Adams uproar
Gerry Adams
Gerry Adams

Gerry Adams

Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event.
Soon after the Louth TD landed in the States last week, an explosive situation shook the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the White House. Several presumptions were blown apart in the massive surge of protocol with the shockwaves felt as far away as Dublin. The TD himself is said to have suffered a bruised ego, with some witnesses claiming to have seen smoke pouring from his ears.
“They definitely had prior knowledge of what was planned. As far as we’re concerned it was their own fault that they got caught in the blast of bad publicity!”, insisted a defiant spokesman last night.

Carruthers set for shock call-up!

MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham.
The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own in any company.”
However it is the young midfielder’s attitude under pressure that left the Ireland gaffer most impressed. “I liked the way he was able to find space and the way he passed was sublime”, says the manager. “And I think he would enhance the dressing room. He is the optimistic type. For Samir the glass is always half full. Yes, definitely one to watch out for.”

“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists
Phoenix BW

by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail

As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties.
“Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people who will guarantee me a junior ministry,” the Dublin South TD told reporters. “As far as I’m concerned, there’s really no difference at all between Enda Kenny and Micheál Martin – except that I expect one of them to offer me a great big office plus generous expenses, the odd helicopter ride and perks galore, including paid lackeys to fetch my caffè mocha every half hour.”
Arriving in Leinster House yesterday, Mr Ross maintained that an agreed minority government could work effectively over the next four or five years. “Because it will rely entirely on my support, it could be a win-win situation,” he said. “I win – and then I win again with all this extra publicity.”

In Memory of Paul Daniels
Phoenix BW

Farewell then, Paul Daniels
I half liked your deception
But not a lot
As you used to say
But this is an exception
So well done, fair play
No smoke and mirrors
as once feared
This time you really have
Disappeared



TV LISTINGS

24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients spend on trolleys in Irish hospitals before getting a bed
Under Siege 2: Coverage of GAA National Football League

Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree in the steaming landscape, where chameleons, sloths, snakes in the grass and lots of other slimy creatures abound.
Environment changes means the two species may need to converge to interbreed to avoid being swamped but so far they have failed to do the necessary.
“Sadly they are behaving as everyone expected, with lots of posturing and grunting and of course plenty of nit-picking and finger pointing”, says one monkeyologist, “but unless we see the leaders scratching each other’s backs and one brown nosing the other’s backside, then this will fizzle out. I feel one of them may team up with a bunch of independent minded baboons instead.”


TAOISEACH EMERGES FROM LATEST ROUND OF GOVERNMENT NEGOTIATIONS

The Wesht Wing

Scene 1: The West Wing of the White House. After the St Patrick’s Day speeches, Barack Obama chats with Enda Kenny.
Obama: So – last time we do this together, eh buddy? Although I guess you might still be back next year?
Kenny: Visiting President Trump?
Obama: Jeez, what a thought! But between ourselves. America’s not quite that dumb yet. The Donald is a gift to Hillary. He’ll make her look good if nothing else can.
Kenny: I suppose you’ll miss all this?
Obama: Maybe. I won’t miss having to negotiate with goddamn Republicans over every line of legislation. What about you? You any nearer sorting out some sort of coalition back home?
Kenny: Not really. We’re still pretending to talk to the smaller parties. It’ll take another couple of weeks of that before our grassroots will be able to stomach the real deal, with our old civil war enemies.
Obama: Hey – speaking of civl war, where’s our beardy friend, Gerry Adams? He was supposed to be here, right?
Kenny (looking around): Yes – I saw him earlier, in fact, leaving the hotel. Oh dear!
Obama: What?
Kenny: Well, I made a little joke to your security guys outside. I showed them a picture of Gerry on my phone and said he was a suspected jihadist and they should approach him with caution. You don’t suppose they took me seriously?
Obama: Jeez, Enda – of course they took you seriously. Those guys have even less sense of humour than Sinn Féin. To quote yourself, what the bejaysus were you thinking?
Kenny: Sorry. I couldn’t resist. Do me a favour, will you? Don’t let on I told you about this.
Obama: I won’t – don’t worry. We’ll just blame it on over-zealous security, or something.


Scene 2: Gold Cup day, Cheltenham. With the big race under way, the Minister for Agriculture bumps into former Ceann Comhairle and racing enthusiast Sean Barrett.

Barrett: Well, young man. Are you a declared runner in the Post-Enda leadership handicap hurdle yet?
Coveney: As you know, Sean, there’s no such vacancy.
Barrett: No, but Frank Flannery says there should be.
Coveney (feigning ignorance): Really? I must have missed that.
Barrett: Yeah, he says the older generation, including Kenny and Noonan, have been rejected, and it’s time for the next one to take over.
Coveney: Interesting. Well, we’ll wait and see. What’s your money on here?
Barrett: Leo. Er – I mean Cue Card. I can’t see him beaten. Here he comes now, in fact, with a perfectly timed run. Oh no! (Cue Card crashes out at the third last). Feck.
Coveney: Not so perfectly timed after all, eh? Hard luck.
Barrett (tearing up docket): What are you on yourself?
Coveney (winking): It’s too early to say, Sean.


Scene 3: A hotel in Dublin. At an angry meeting to review Fine Gael’s election performance, campaign director Brian Hayes and party secretary Tom Curran attempt to calm constituency delegates.

Hayes: Alright, alright, we accept mistakes were made. The slogan didn’t work – we get that.
Delegate 1: Neither did the front bench, the lazy bastards.
Delegate 2: Yeah. All we heard on the airwaves was Enda, who we were told would be locked up somewhere safe for three weeks.
Curran: Well, he was surprisingly popular with the focus groups. And in fairness, we did have Leo and others out a lot during the last week. But the electorate had their minds made up by then.
Hayes: A big part of our strategy was based on the expectation of a last-minute surge towards the government, as happened with the Conservatives. For whatever reason, it didn’t happen here.
Delegate 3: Speaking of the feckin’ conservatives, whose idea was it to boast about David Cameron’s endorsement of Enda? Jesus – that was the last straw.
Delegate 4: Yeah, the FFers in our constituency were lighting bonfires when that happened.
Hayes: Yes, well, as I say, mistakes were made. But we are where we are now.
Delegate 5: Which is where, by the way? I mean, we’re not seriously going to put a government together with the support of the likes of the Healy-Raes, are we?
Delegate 6: Even their own cows can’t work with them. (Laughter).
Curran: Look, we all know there’ll have to be a deal with the Soldiers, eventually. Just not yet. But you might start introducing the idea to your grassroots over the next week or two, get them used to it.
Delegate 7: If you feckers in Dublin had been more interested in the grassroots before the election, we wouldn’t be in this position now. Up shit creek with Meehole Martin for a paddle.
(The recriminations continue).


Scene 4: The Taoiseach’s office. Enda Kenny reads the newspapers as the portrait of Michael Collins looks on.

Collins: So Moore Street is officially a national monument?
Kenny: Yep… Where you lads made your last stand in 1916.
Collins: It was the last stand for some, alright. The rest of us lived to fight another day.
Kenny: Indeed.
Collins: How’re the talks on a new government going? Or are you still organising the retreat from the burning GPO that was your election campaign?
Kenny: The latter. I think we’ve just crossed Henry Street at this stage. And Frank Flannery is calling for the leaders to be executed, starting with me and Baldy Noonan.
Collins: Oh well. From the graves of dead patriots, etc. (He spots a column headline) Did you really commit to having a cabinet with 50 per cent women?
Kenny: Oh yeah – I might have promised that, during a weak moment of the campaign. But it’s not going to happen now, obviously.
Collins: Like Pearse’s cherishing all the children of the national equally?
Kenny: Exactly. The idea of a 50: 50 cabinet will remain a work in progress for another century or so, like the proclamation. What was it Kevin O’Higgins called the programme of the first Dáil?
Collins: “Mostly poetry”.
Kenny: Well, some things don’t change, obviously. That’s politics, still. You campaign in poetry, you govern in prose.

Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell
Daniella Moyles
Daniella Moyles

Daniella Moyles

It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and this is what I have to put up with.
Well, no longer. I will continue to churn out guest columns in the Sindo until I have reversed this unacceptable social trend. We are all entitled to wear what we like when we guest on Ireland’s top weeknight programme, with its unique mix of sparkling guests, lifestyle segments and topical discussion.
Too many social judgements are passed on people who just want to discuss international humanitarian crises in a bit of style.
So come on Ireland – let’s sort this out!


VULTURE FUND GUIDE

Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour
Phoenix BW

POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe.
While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law.
Without the new law a major loophole could be exploited that would see two former members of Boyzone and Westlife join forces to form a ‘supergroup’ that would subsequently tour the country.
Faced with the possibility of hundreds of people seeing Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy on stage together trying to sing, the squabbling politicians have come to a consensus.
“This was a close call,” said one TD. “Luckily, amidst all the petty rowing, we were able to come together to introduce this bill which will outlaw any members of Boyzone or Westlife ever stepping foot on a stage again. The consequences of young people actually witnessing such a spectacle could send the country back years.”

LUAS LATEST

Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue.
A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains.
A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have developed a software programme that can manage to stop AND go forward. Passengers will have to get used to the robotic drivers not grunting at them. We also cannot guarantee that the machine will drive into as many cars as our experienced human beings do.”

Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries
Phoenix BW

Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged!
Caller: Too feckin’ right I have!
JD: Do you know who did it to you?
Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths!
JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with…
Caller: Everything. They all work for a national broadcasting company and mug licence payers like me with massive salaries…
JD: Ah, stop…
Caller: Everyone knows them…
JD: Don’t go naming names now…
Caller: Tubridy, Finucane, O’Rourke, yoursel…
JD: Stop that now! I warned ya about naming names! That’s not on… we’ll take a break…


Rising celebrations celebrated
Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities
Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities

Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities

As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.)
Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster a firework between them, let alone a weekend of throat-rattling speeches, emotional re-enactments and spectacular bar extensions (3 am in a some places over the weekend! – Ed)
How gratified they would be, 100 years later, to see even the hundreds of homeless families and the many victims of crime, led by a temporary government with the full blessing of Germany, celebrate the dream they made possible by their blood, that flowed through the streets of the capital… (Ok, that’ll do – Ed).
It is amazing to think about who we now are as a people, as we stand at the dawn of the precipice of a new Ireland… (get on it with it – Ed.) They would never have believed that every town hall in most of the 32 counties would avail of borrowed EU funding to… (Why do you always have to spoil everything?! You’re fired! – Ed.)

FIANNA FAIL UPDATE

FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”.
The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are adamant they are the best party to lead the new Dail in the absence of a clear and obvious Fine Gael plan to form a new Government.
“If you look at our record, no-one has more experience of dealing with a situation like we are facing here,” said an FF lackey.
“Rent hikes, a smattering of cranes across the Dublin skyline, Anglo in the news, Fine Gael in freefall. We have loads of advisors, from Biffo to Bertie, on hand to guide us. What could go wrong?”
Meanwhile, FF have denied reports that the cow who attacked Michael Healy Rae is to be offered a ministry in any new government. Speculation had grown that the cow would be approached to head up a new department of rural affairs, but an FF spokesman dismissed the rumours.
“Certainly, the cow showed admirable initiative,” said the spokesman. “It would probably feel at home amongst the other animals in cabinet, but it’s still too early to make that call.”

That updated Student Proclamation

“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have breakfast in bed instead of exams and do fun stuff to help parents become emoji literate. Snapchat and Instagram will be enshrined and that in the whole legal constitution.
“We pledge our lives to futuristic technology like having even smarter iPhones installed inside your actual brain so that you can download music directly to both ears. Also, as soon as this present government are all dead, we should just lower the pension age by like fifty years or even more. Hoodies will then be officially compulsory for everyone under 19 and parents will not be allowed to be boring.
“Also, we hereby proclaim a proper Health Service with cool doctors like on telly who are not totally so old that they’re almost entirely senile and who will just give you whatever you basically need all the time, such as padded adhesive plasters for severe Playstation blisters.
“We therefore pledge to ensure a shared society for all. This means having 24/7 access to home-grown Irish ethical food like quinoa and paranormal yoghurt instead of just takeaways which are fine at weekends, of course.”

THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE

027px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0005On Podium outside GPO
(Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks)
President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys

1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon
Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat

2nd Broken-down Ambulance Fleet
Ms Lucy Creighton, Mr Alan Shattered and 30 ashen-faced ex-Labour TDs

1st Mobile Toilet
James Collins, Samir Carruthers and 1 dozen foaming pint glasses

2nd Rate RTÉ Float
Mr Ryan ‘Tubs’ waving his annual pay-check of €495,000

3rd Open-Top Bus
Mr Conor McGregor still fuming over Las Vegas loss to Mr Nate Diaz

4th Open Stretch Coffin
Members of Dublin’s leading gangland community firing ceremonial 3,000-round salute at one another

(Note: Ten-mile queue for affordable accommodation follows procession.)

(That’s enough Parade – Ed.)

Should Enda Kenny get involved in politics?

THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government.
“While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member of Fine Gael, “it’s obvious that he simply isn’t cut out for politics and is completely unsuited to taking on the task of forming any kind of government.”
Mr Kenny had earlier visited Leinster House where he repeatedly asked TDs of all parties to join him in forming a new administration.
“It’s getting so embarrassing at this stage that Enda would be well advised to leave complex matters, such as taking over the leadership, to someone who is much more multi-talented – like myself,” admitted health minister Vlad Varadkar. “And on top of everything else, even his friends hate him.”

Danny Healy Rae playlist

  • Smells Like Irish Water Money
  • Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water)
  • Uptown Pipe Repairs
  • He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)

 


026px-Humour-drumm-mug

New government expected by 2050

A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week.
The latest offering from FG is believed to include a comprehensive programme for rural renewal, including the formation of a new body called the Department of Healy Raes. The wooing of the Independent Alliance has also continued, with the proposal to build statues of several of the party’s TDs in key locations around the country.
However, an FG spokesman has firmly ruled out any participation in “pork barrel politics”. The statement was immediately followed by the announcement of multimillion jobs investment programmes and lavish new recreation facilities in the constituencies of several key rural TDs.
(For more aimless speculation on new government, see inside pages 5-30)


INDEPENDENT ALLIANCE REVEAL NEW IMAGE

St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”
Phoenix BW

By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass

Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land.
“All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on St. Patrick’s Day,” reassured one fracturologist completing the back nine yesterday.
Across the capital, Dublin hospital administrators say, “every ambulance is carrying a full tank of petrol, tyres have been checked over, and all leave cancelled for the day when we honour the man who delivered us from paganism and mindless savagery.”
Meantime, police have urged revellers to behave appropriately on the day. “We’d ask people to desist from shooting, knifing, mugging or even selling drugs,” said a senior garda. “Keep it down to discreet urination and vomiting for God’s sake.”

Parochial party guests call for tolerance
Phoenix BW

Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities.
“Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged by that organisation’s behaviour now or in the past. Behind it all, he is just an ordinary, harmless party animal who likes a good time and collecting Nazi stuff. As St. Charlie of the Poppies tells us in the Book of Rehab, ‘Let him without sin be the first to get stoned.’”

TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS
Donald Trump

US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan – we’re gonna get the guys we’re deporting to build it on their way home. It will cost very little; we’ll just continue the exploitation they’ve already experienced in our great country. We’ll leave a rope ladder on the other side so they can climb down safely. Problem solved.”
Meanwhile, Trump has gone back on previous threats to close the Doonbeg resort and says he now plans to develop Ireland into one giant golf course. Speaking during an interview in the US, the mogul said, “Yeah, I think make the place into one big resort and let my kids have fun with it.”
With Ireland currently without a government, no spokesman was available for comment, although a source close to Fine Gael said, “Any inward investment is to be welcomed.”