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SLAB’S PRISON DIARY

MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The bastard. I’ve never been treated like this in all my born days.

TUES: Some of the prison officers (screws) keep checking that I have everything I want. One of them had the nerve to ask for an autograph. He even made a few cheap cracks about taking good care of my bomber jacket. I have his name. The governor invited me to his office for tea and asked about what books I wanted in the cell. Personally, I couldn’t care less so long as I can cook them.
WED: It’s only when you are languishing in a dark hellhole with fellow inmates (jailbirds) watching Netflix that you remember all the little things you once took for granted, like having extensive underground oil storage tanks or the odd €850,000 in spare cash lying around the hay-barn. Happy times.

Renua “to regroup”

IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”.
Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband, Senator Paul Bradford) that it was now time to take stock and reflect on Renua’s long-term future: “It is important that we continue to focus on what we do best – losing.”
Ms Creighton also rejected suggestions that the party had made little impact on Irish political life. “On the contrary, we have finally answered the so-called experts who accused us of being completely useless,” she told reporters, “by showing them that we are extraordinarily good at being beaten and humiliated.”
Lucy also insisted that she did not interpret the latest results as an embarrassing one-off defeat, saying, “We fully intend to regroup – just as soon as Eddie Hobbs is released back into the community – so in fact this marks the start of a great new era of Renua obscurity.”


SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST
  • Money’s Too Tight To Mention
  • I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt)
  • All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro
  • Money (That’s What I Want)
  • All Out Of Love – And Cash
  • Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den
State funeral for Labour party

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves

It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which were warmly welcomed as an appropriate tribute to the late party.
In paying their last respects to the once powerful political movement, they were joined by 30 ashen-faced TDs who had just lost their seats in the recent general election. Labour had been suffering badly since earlier council elections, but last month’s results proved fatal.

What Mourners Will See

  • The seven surviving TDs will lie in a state on the Leinster House back benches.
  • Members of the public will file past solemnly shaking their fists and shouting: “Serves you bastards right for breaking your promises!”
  • Outgoing Party Leader Joan Burton will lead cortege to the accompaniment of traditional lament, It’s Over (R. Orbison).
  • Deputy Leader Alan Kelly will ceremonially scatter Joan’s leadership ashes and immediately replace her without further ado.
  • Everyone will then relocate to nearest hotel for modest refreshments (cold shoulder of ham, hard cheese, just desserts, etc.).
GANGLAND UPDATE

By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams

Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had earlier been seen walking the streets of the country and annoying everyone by knocking on doors.
Observers say the gang were eventually “sent packing”, with their leader – named Joan – reportedly “fighting for survival.” Many who witnessed the trouncing say they are “very worried” about the outcome. “There is always a danger that they will regroup and come back,” said a Leitrim shopkeeper. “I’m still keeping my door locked.”
Similarly, an unemployed man uninstalling a water meter in Wexford feared that, “with seven of them still hanging around, they could return someday. Look what happened when a few Fianna Fáilers were spared! God knows what horrors lie ahead of us!”

YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS

KATE O’CONNELL
Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.

 

 

LISA CHAMBERS
Securing a seat in Mayo, Chambers campaigned for a fairer share of recovery for the west, as well as a fairer share of TDs for Fianna Fáil. Key policies include increased support for the self-employed and getting FF back into power as quickly as possible.

 

 

027px Humour j ocallaghanJIM O’CALLAGHAN
Dynamic left-of-right politician who was elected for FF in Dublin Bay South. Electrified the campaign with radical views on major issues such as littering and traffic light provision.

 

 

DANNY HEALY RAE
With Danny joining his brother Michael as a deputy, the plan is now to get the entire extended Healy Rae family elected by 2030. Danny has expressed an ambition to eliminate both unemployment and the Dublin media in the lifetime of the next Dáil.

 

 

JACK CHAMBERS
Energetic young politician who is both pro-life and pro-advancing his career. Caused shockwaves with his views on coalition with Fine Gael, saying, “It may happen… But then again it may not.”

That proposed FG-FF programme for government

As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest.
This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating growth and maintaining stability. Our radical Programme for Government will include sweeping and far-reaching clichés that will affirm both parties’ positions in the radical centre-ground.

 

JOINT RESOLUTIONS

1 Prioritise gimmicky improvements in public services
2 Additional jobs, houses, stealth taxes, hospital trolleys, etc.
3 Cuts to any policies we can’t agree on
4 Establish in-depth five-year review of Irish Water
5 Maintain strong EU links (and do whatever Angela says)
6 Ensure that the Shinners are kept out of government
7 Hold on to power no matter what
8 That’s about it


PBP react to Labour election result

PBP react to Labour election result

Rotating Taoiseach mooted

By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat

As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber and Charlie Sheen.
“Martin and Kenny will get half-an-hour each before someone else takes over,” says a source close to the discussions. “Lots of people deserve a go and we’ve had interest from all over the world – other people who may take office at some point include Axl Rose, Liam Gallagher and the Irish wrestler Sheamus.”
Meanwhile, Enda Kenny is keeping his options open with regard to forming the next government. Among those he has approached thus far for exploratory talks are the Independent Alliance, numerous smaller parties, a Star Wars fanclub and two blokes he met out walking yesterday. “We’ll talk to absolutely anyone,” confirmed an FG spokesman. “But no way are we desperate. Incidentally, do you know anyone who might give us an extra vote?”


THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS

  • Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork
  • All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives
  • Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle
  • Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber
  • Leave our shoes in the hallway after you’ve finished the polishing, Baldy
  • Two sugars and easy on the milk Leo…
Irish Water latest

Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe.
“Things were tipping along fine up to the election, so we’re going to more or less leave things as they were,” said one FF participant. “The Blueshirts can carry on paying, our crowd won’t join them for five years, and the lefty Commies are off the hook as long as they contribute to the economy by organising mass protests across the country every two months. ”
Asked whether Labour party supporters were part of the agreement, the spokesman looked puzzled. “What supporters?” he asked.

Is there too much endless speculation about the government?

by All Hacks

ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor.
Whether or not I can come up with a new angle, of course, is the real question. This latest post-election period is truly unprecedented and leaves the country’s political future completely adrift in unchartered territory. So what will be the final act in this never-ending drama?
Over the past week, I have repeatedly written about the smaller groupings and Independents who may or may not agree to support one of the two big parties. In-depth profiles of all the main players have been carefully copied from Wikipedia and reprinted verbatim.
In yesterday’s lengthy article, I considered the history of previous Coalitions and addressed the subject of gene-pool clichés – something that is certain to be a vital cog in this political jigsaw.
Yet another intriguing possibility is that I have no idea whatsoever about the make-up of the new Coalition any more than the next hack. However, this is highly unlikely to stop me from… (You’re fired. Ed.)

McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION

UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government, but the controversial star has said there is no substance to the reports.
“Despite this loss, I am still in better shape than Fine Gael,” said a defiant McGregor in a lengthy Instagram post. “Taking over a weakened party and leading a ramshackle coalition is beneath me. Thank you all to the true support and f**k the hate that came out of the woodwork. I love it all. It’s still steak for breakfast.”
An FG spokesman conceded that McGregor’s abrasive style would make EU negotiations “difficult”, but insisted they were still hopeful of luring the fighter into the world of Irish politics. “He has signalled his intentioned to go back down to featherweight,” said the spokesman, “so he’d be right at home in the new Dáil.”

SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER
Phoenix BW

JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far.
He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m 110% fine. My memory is perfect. The knocks I took recently against Mozambique and the Newbridge BaaBaas were minor.
“I have passed all the return-to-play protocols and look forward to the match against Bohemians in Dalymount on Saturday. I have the full backing of our coach, Eddie O’Sullivan, and I am up for the battle with Ronan O’Gara for the number 10 shirt.”

THOSE ELECTION OSCARS
Enda Kenny
Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

Best Make-up Artist
Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joan Burton

Joan Burton

Best Female Supporting Role
Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8%

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Ring

Michael Ring

The Revenant Award
Michael Ring for his performance in the wilds of Mayo after being mauled by a small dog

 

 

 

 

Micheál Martin

Micheál Martin

Best Male Actor
Micheál Martin for his TV debate performance in Mad Mike: Fury Road after being repeatedly mauled by Grizzly Adams

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Healy Rae

Michael Healy Rae

Special Foreign Language Performance
Co-winners Michael and Danny Healy-Rae in Rant-Man

 

 

 

 

Claire Byrne

Claire Byrne

The Claire Byrne Award
Claire Byrne in Phwoaar and Peace for her contribution to looking good on television

Papal Bull(ETIN)

Bienvenida, amigos.
What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature woman of the opposite sex. So much for the myth that our top clerics are only interested in altar boys, eh!
I ask modern Catholics to rejoice that JP used to grant his friend an audience in the comfort of the Vatican cellars with a bottle of Vat 69 to discuss the finer points of theology. What is so wrong with that?
Popes may be supreme and infallible, but there is even more to us. Are we not men? As I travel the world, I make sure to spread the word of peace and speak out against violence and crime – unlike that hairbrained pagan, Donald Trump. In South America, I see that some newspapers promote drug bosses and their glamorous lifestyle. Such a lie. It is my job to hit out at the media – and indeed, at any young thugs who gets too close for comfort when I am doing a peace-loving meet-and-greet down Mexico way.
Sometimes excommunications aren’t enough, so when push comes to shove, I grab the nearest glass bottle and smash it against the humble Fiat bonnet. Then I invite those selfish little punks to come to have a go – if they think they’re hard enough. In today’s world, my friend, go too far, and I put you in the ground. Beatific smiles all round.
Adiós, Franco

CLARIFICATION

In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such as, “Schmidt’s Titans to Triumph” and “Super Schmidtonians to Rewrite Rugby History”.

However, in the wake of the two dismal failures against Wales and France, the nation can now see that this is the most clueless bunch of misfits Irish rugby has ever had the misfortune to field. It’s become clear that these over-hyped brats are chronically devoid of backbone and lack the mettle to close out a game.
We apologise for our error and promise not to repeat it until the next time Ireland win a big Six Nations clash.

HEALTH MATTERS

This week Dr Will Squander of Transfusion Positive de-livers his professional opinion

People often call me urgently and say, ‘Doctor, I am feeling unwell, what’s the latest news on treatment for hepatitis?’ I always recommend we meet by the pool to discuss the matter over a nice chardonnay. Say about noon just after I have had my manicure and with an hour to spare before the waiter brings the dinner menu. Shall we say one of the Greek islands? You choose – after all, it’s your liver! Of course it’s crucially important when dealing with such matters that one is made to feel secure and relaxed. I have retained the same travel advisor for three years now and I must say once the arrangements are confirmed, I feel
a huge weight off my shoulders!

The Wesht Wing

Scene 1: The lobby of a Dublin hotel. Fine Gael’s Director of Elections holds emergency talks with an old friend of the party.
Brian Hayes: Thanks for meeting me at short notice, Frank. As you’ve probably seen, we’re in a bit of trouble, poll-wise.
Frank Flannery: Yeah well, I can’t say I told you so. But I would have, if anyone had bothered asking me.
Hayes: I’m sorry you were excluded from the campaign planning this time, Frank – it was Enda’s idea.
Flannery: Right. So Enda’s having ideas now? No wonder you’re in trouble.
Hayes: I know, but it’s the whole presidential idea. The party has to have a single face – or at least that was the conventional wisdom.
Flannery: There’s nothing wrong with Enda’s face, on a million posters. The trick is to avoid having it talk. That’s how we won last time, remember?
Hayes (ruefully): Yeah. I don’t know what we were thinking. But there’s not much time left now, Frank. What can we do to reverse the trend?
Flannery: Two things. First, get Enda off the airwaves.
Hayes: Agreed. We’re sending him down to Mayo this weekend anyway – he can’t possibly make headlines there.
Flannery: And second, get your big guns on the attack instead. Noonan, Simon, Richard, Leo. They’ve all been far too quiet so far. You need to move them up to the front line now.


Scene 2: The front-line – a Spar shop in Dublin’s Castleknock. Two passers-by, just out of the pub, notice an excited crowd.

Passer-by 1: What’s going on here?
Passer-by 2: Looks like there was a hold-up.
P-b 1: Oh yeah, there’s yer man from the Government – Varadkar. (He shouts at the Minister). Yiz robbin’ bastards! Give us back our money!
Bystander: Eh, no – he’s not the robber. It was two young lads held up the Spar there. The politicians were just in the area at the time, canvassin’.
P-b 2: Right enough, that would explain the guards bein’ here. They never deal with the real bleedin’ criminals.
(The bystanders all lean in to eavesdrop as Varadkar discusses the incident with a Garda, and a Fianna Fáil canvasser who also happened to witness the incident).
Varadkar: …It all happened so quickly, officer. I saw the two men run past me, but they were gone before I could react. Naturally, I would have wrestled them both to the ground, disarmed them, and made a citizen’s arrest if I’d known.
Fianna Fáil canvasser: You would, yeah. You know what you could maybe do, that would be more useful? Give proper resources to the emergency services so they could answer the phones when people ring them.
Varadkar: I don’t know what you mean.
FF canvasser: I rang 999 to report the robbery and got put through to a voicemail.
Varadkar: Oh well – the Gardaí are here now.
FF canvasser: Oh well? So a Government minister doesn’t care that 999 callers are being referred to voicemail?
Varadkar: Cool your jets, man. That Green chap – what’s his name? – he rang 999 too and he got through. So I knew the Gardaí were coming. But hey, thanks for your worthy supporting role, unnecessary as it was. I hope Fianna Fáil will be similarly obliging to us after the elections. (He walks off).
Passer-by 1 (to the retreating Minister): Yis are still a bunch of robbin’ bastards, by the way.


Scene 3: The EU summit, Brussels. As talks on the UK Brexit deal drag on, David Cameron discusses developments with Enda Kenny over dinner.

Cameron: I think we’re almost there, Enda. Just a few more i’s to dot.
Kenny: Glad to hear it, Dave. We all want Britain to stay in. And as you know, I appealed to the other ministers to give you the tools you need to win.
Cameron: Yes, I heard – thanks, pal. Speaking of tools, you’re the biggest one I’ve got here.
Kenny: Ha, ha. I’ll take that as a compliment.
Cameron: I heard you quoted Shakespeare too?
Kenny: “If it were done, when ’tis done, then ’twere well it were done quickly”.
Cameron: Macbeth, I believe?
Kenny: Correct. Mind you, (he lowers his voice), he was talking about murdering his rival at the time.
Cameron (raising a wine-glass and staring darkly into it): Yes, well. I trust it won’t come to that with Boris. But I’m keeping my options open.


Scene 4: After the last cabinet sub-committee meeting before the election, Brendan Howlin shares a nostalgic moment with Michael Noonan.

Howlin: It must have been all that talk about the funding for Knock Airport, Mick, but this suddenly feels like the closing scene from Casablanca. You know, where the plane takes off and the two lads are left on the runway?
Noonan: So which of us is Humphrey Bogart and which is the policeman?
Howlin: Well, the Blueshirts have always been the law and order party: you’d have to be the cop.
Noonan: And who’s your love interest flying away in the plane?
Howlin (looking crestfallen): That’s Labour’s core support, if you believe the polls.
Noonan: Hmmm. We’re not doing too well ourselves, you know. That slogan seems to have backfired on us.
Howlin: “Keep the gravy train going”? Yeah. It wouldn’t have been my choice.
Noonan: Oh well, we’ll always have Paris, Brendan. Or in our case, the knowledge that we turned a bankrupt country around together.
Howlin (his eyes tearing up): Yes. And you never know, maybe the voters will have a last-minute change of heart, and give us both enough support to reform the coalition in some shape.
Noonan (checking text on phone): Oh dear. Have you seen the latest poll? (He hands phone to Howlin)
Howlin (reading): Jesus. Four percent!
Noonan (putting his arm around Howlin’s shoulder, supportively): I think this may be the end of a beautiful relationship.

Croker to host GAA match shock

There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the summer, but a spokesman for the association insisted that the unprecedented move was warranted.
“The hosting of concerts by artists such as Bruce Springsteen and Beyonce is central to the ethos of the association,” he said. “The GAA is known and revered throughout the world for its fostering of stadium rock acts, money-spinning exhibition events and lucrative TV rights deals. However, it makes commercial sense to host the occasional Gaelic football and hurling match, hence this one-off decision to play a game in Croke Park.”

D’ARCY IN EUROVISION UPROAR

MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on.
D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his show, but a Nicholson impersonator appeared instead. So when Byrne was slated to perform Ireland’s Eurovision entry, some people were expecting an impersonator – maybe someone who could hold a tune, for instance. But the audience collectively winced when they realised it was the real Byrne, who came out to ‘sing’ one of the worst pieces of shit ever put forward for the song contest.
“I feel ripped off,” said one viewer. “When I’m looking at an RTÉ chat show and hear that someone is coming on, I don’t expect a real-life member of Westlife. Give me a break.”

Gardaí to throw ‘full force of the alphabet’ at criminals, vows Commissioner

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room before appearing on a major news bulletin!” assured the top cop. “We will leave no metaphor unturned and will use every vowel available to us until these people, who are a cancer in society, are behind bars.”
And in a further ratcheting up of pressure, justice minister Frances Fitzgerald has warned criminals that they may be billed for security at future funerals if Fine Gael is returned to power. “We fully intend to hit them in the pocket if they continue killing each other,” she asserts. “And they will be hunted down if they ignore even one invoice. Our party has a very proud record in pursuing that kind of criminal activity.”

GANGLAND WHO’S WHO

MIKE SCUMBAG
Suave mafia godfather whose crime empire is believed to comprise Russia, Mexico and the entire continent of Africa. Though based on the Continent, Scumbag regularly flies home to Dublin to attend funerals. Going under the nickname The Llama, his hobbies include relaxing with Colombian drug lords and blowing away gangland rivals.

 

 

 

MIKE SCUMBAG JR
Having survived 14 different assassination attempts in Dublin, Scumbag Jr relocated to Spain several years ago, where he likes to unwind by dishing out punishment beatings to rival gangland bosses. Other crimes include being the subject of eight separate TV3 shows, and providing Paul Williams with acres of material to fill his columns with.

 

 

 

TONY ‘FAT TONY’ SCUMBAG
A first cousin of Mike Scumbag, Fat Tony served 20 years in prison for multiple offences, including drug dealing, violent assault and failing to have motor insurance. He currently lives the high life in a E10m mansion on the Costa Del Sleaze, where he indulges his twin passions of gardening and breaking people’s legs.

 

 

 

JOHN ‘PSYCHO’ SCUMBAG
Notorious henchman who fled to the Continent after being targeted by a rival gang, who suspected him of masterminding the killing of drug kingpin The Moose. A celebrated character, his party pieces include shooting up the room with his beloved Uzi.

Thieves shaken after brush with Vlad

025px Humour.indd(2)_Page_1_Image_0002THIEVES WHO almost ran into Leo Varadkar as he canvassed for votes in Castleknock say they are “relieved no-one was hurt” in the incident. The robbers were exiting a local shop when they had their lucky escape. One member of the gang explained: “We had just finished our business and were making good our escape. Then, out of nowhere, we saw some guys carrying placards.
“We ran like f*ck and luckily for us, they couldn’t catch up. I heard them screaming ‘Vote Fine Gael’. I think one of our lads rang the Gardaí shortly afterwards to warn the public of the danger. Unfortunately, this is an issue up and down the country. I hope people don’t just associate this kind of thing with north Dublin.”
Such incidents have become routine in recent weeks, as hordes of canvassing politicians openly roam the streets in search of votes. An Garda Síochána have advised members of the public to stay in their homes during the election period and not to answer the door to strangers.
They warn that all candidates are armed with meaningless sound bites from their manifestos, and are extremely dangerous, particularly if engaged in conversation about what’s wrong with the other parties.

CALLS FOR EARLY BEATIFICATION OF CLAIRE BYRNE

Pressure was increasing on Pope Francis last night to fast-track the canonisation of RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne. The calls come after the adored broadcaster miraculously kept Irish television viewers tuned into an RTÉ political debate for 90 minutes.
Such was the powerful force of the transmission that many viewers have had their lives altered forever. “I’m not religious and I’ve always considered RTÉ as sort of evil but I was praying on my knees that she’d keep going and maybe even hit Gerry Adams a smack,” said one born again viewer in Clonmel. “I can’t wait for next Tuesday”.
Meanwhile in Cork, a mother of six claimed the experience had turned her “away from Vincent Browne”. She added, “For the first time in 20 years, my husband put his arm around me as Claire put a stop to Micheál Martin’s waffling. I believe her intercession has saved our marriage.”
A Vatican spokesman said the Pontiff was considering the appeals but was warning people “not to get too pushy about it!”

Creighton pledge – “Prison for all”

by Our Crime Staff Phil Cells

Lucinda Creighton has again called for the imprisonment of everyone in the country for an indefinite period. The Renua leader has focused on crime throughout the election campaign.
“The only way to make the streets of our cities safe is to have nobody on them,” Ms Creighton told reporters. “We will all be out of danger if all potential criminal families are safely incarcerated behind bars.”
The Renua plan will involve the long-term construction of at least 17,000 new prisons.
“This is an additional spin-off benefit of our proposals and should provide a much-needed boost to the national economy,” explained Lucy. “What’s even better is that I then get re-elected by pandering to the prejudices of ordinary high-income tax-payers, who will save billions if the prisoners themselves carry out the building programme by working around-the-clock in chain-gangs.”

JOAN BURTON’S HANDS

 

1) Thumbing nose at socialism
2) Pointing out everyone else’s mistakes
3) Middle finger to Eamon Gilmore
4) Finger not lifted to help Alan Kelly
5) Finger used for pointing out water protestors
6) Thumbs up to Enda Kenny
7) Wagging finger at Sinn Féin
8) Finger switching remote control to Downton Abbey
9) Hanging onto seat by fingertip


Eamon Ryan pictured with friends and supporters

Just how long can it survive?

by Our Political Staff Hugh Cares

As the fall-out from this week’s election continues, there is still no clear answer to the question that every political pundit is now asking. How long can this piece about the make-up of the next government keep going?
Almost nothing has changed since yesterday when I wrote at length about the most likely combination of coalition partners. Amid the ongoing uncertainty, speculation is rife as to whether or not today’s article has any chance of going on indefinitely.
There are encouraging signs that I have enough paragraphs left to strimg out this in-depth analysis piece for at least another 500 words. On the other hand, it’s quite possible that the endless conjecture may well run out of steam.
Of course, this is not inevitable – particularly as the political situation remains fluid. Meanwhile, frantic discussions are taking place behind the scenes in the editor’s office and the likelihood is that every journalist in the country will be reporting on developments as usual in tonorrow’s papers.

Taoiseach spells it out

By our Political Corr –  Phil Space

FOLLOWING MONTHS of uncertainty during which Enda Kenny has repeatedly insisted that he would not go into government with Fianna Fáil under any circumstances, the Fine Gael leader finally came off the fence yesterday and said that he would not enter into coalition with Fianna Fáil.
However, the announcement only increased speculation about an imminent political deal between the two parties. Seasoned commentators around Leinster House suggested that rumours were still rife about the intentions of both leaders.
“Mr Kenny has always said that he would never work with Micheál Martin,” said one insider, “but now he is maintaining that he won’t ever work with him – so what are we to think of that?” Prominent political reporters also expressed the view that it was time for the Fine Gael boss to make a definitive statement about his immediate plans.
Said one disgruntled hack, “Either Enda will not form a government with Fianna Fáil or he will not form a government with Fianna Fáil. The big question remains: will he or won’t he…give us something to fill up tomorrow’s front pages?”

 

ELECTION LEXICON (Contd.)

  • n The party: Thing people hold when last of the candidates has departed a constituent’s doorstep.
  • n First preference: To jump under a bus rather than shake that gobshite’s hand!
  • Poll: Speculative form of filler much loved by desperate news editors.
  • Mudslinging: Inevitable result when a candidate enters a farmyard during a busy period.
  • Frontrunner: Candidate leaving the farmyard quick smart.
APOLOGY – FIANNA FÁIL
Phoenix BW

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent years have given the impression that Fianna Fáil were a hopelessly washed up political outfit. Headlines such “Biffo And Co. Destroy Country” and “Fianna Failures Facing Total Annihilation” may have led some readers to believe that we felt the party were headed towards oblivion. However, following their strong performance in the polls and Micheál Martin’s high satisfaction ratings, we now realise that FF are set to enjoy an unprecedented political comeback. This is reflected in many of our latest headlines, including “Micheál Works Miracle” and “Sky’s The Limit For Resurgent FF”. We acknowledge our error and apologise for any confusion.

FG to go into coalition with Fine Gael

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins

In an unexpected move that has shocked many political observers, the Fine Gael party yesterday announced plans to enter into a coalition arrangement with Fine Gael.
“We have a very proud history of forming successful governments with other political groupings,” Enda Kenny told reporters, “and I now feel that the time is right to put aside our differences and work together for the good of my leadership.”
Other senior members of the party also voiced their support for the latest proposal, claiming that there was no reason why recently elected Fine Gael TDs could not agree on a shared programme for survival.
“The bitter rivalries and resentment towards Fine Gael from many of my colleagues has prevented any chance of coalition for too long,” commented Vlad Varadkar. “But now that the election is over, we have a good opportunity to unite the party, with Enda and the outgoing group of has-beens closely supporting my own larger party while I prepare to take over as leader.”


ENDA’S ELECTION PLAYLIST

  • I Just Called To Say I Love You (And Stop Whinging, For Christ’s Sake)
  • All The Young Dudes (And All The Whingers)
  • Break On Through To 30 Percent
  • I Can’t Go For All That Whinging
  • I Would Do Anything For You – So Stop Moaning
  • Do Ya Think My Taxation Policies Are Sexy?
“Brexit shambles a great success” – Cameron
David Cameron
David Cameron

David Cameron

“…Yes, it’s an excellent result for Britain as well as the entire EU – and it’s all thanks primarily to the hard work of myself burning the midnight oil at both ends to completely transform Europe for everyone’s benefit (except for child allowances to foreign workers, of course).
“You must understand that the key to effective negotiation is sensible compromise – and no-one can deny that I very courageously went that extra mile (or 1.609 kilometres as I agreed to say) to compromise much more than all the other member states.
“Our total lack of progress is more than compensated for by my resounding success in achieving radical reforms in the Eurovision Song Contest. So, from now on, every country can award itself 12 votes – which means that ‘nul points’ could well become a thing of the past for Great Britain.
“These proposals will prevent freeloaders shamelessly scrounging off the public purse – Tory MPs, for example.”

Enda ‘didn’t know there was an election’, shock!
Enda Kenny

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has again rejected claims that he deliberately dodged appearing on RTE’s 6pm on the day he dissolved the Dáil, stating that “didn’t know there was an election on.”

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

The Fine Gael leader insisted he had “no problem discussing anything in a public forum”, but that “this election business” caught him “completely offguard”. Before departing in a tinted-window Mercedes, the humble leader said he would be “up for any debate” once he had “confirmed these rumours about the so-called election one way or the other.”
In another major shock, Kenny was apparently unaware of being Taoiseach for the past five years. “It’s news to me,” he shrugged.