Latest from the Blog:

RTÉ CLARIFY
Miriam O’Callaghan
Miriam O’Callaghan

Miriam O’Callaghan

RTÉ have clarified that their broadcasts on February 26 will feature coverage of the election as well as Miriam O’Callaghan. Speculation has grown that the election day output would consist solely of material based around the wildly popular mum of 43, but an RTÉ spokesman has emphatically denied the suggestion. “Obviously we’re talking about an issue of the utmost national importance,” he explained. “But leaving aside Miriam, we’re aware people want to view election coverage as well. We can shelve the Miriam stuff until she runs for President.”

Fear grips country as early polls predict a government will emerge!

A deep sense of increasing fear was rapidly spreading ac to power. “I’m petrified they won’t hold the lead and those Fianna Fáil b**tards will somehow sneak in,” said one Blueshirt supporter in Mayo. “I’m really scared the poll will prove accurate and the blue-short feckers will return,” fretted a badly shaken chef in Dublin. “I’m extremely concerned that some sort of Sinn Féin-led leftie alliance will seize power,” fretted a Waterford garda. “I can’t sleep with the thought of those evil sadists in Renua being in government,” said a deeply worried teacher in Sligo. Meanwhile a traumatised shepherd in Donegal vowed to emigrate if Shane Ross manages to… (Contd until Feb 26)


FG CANVASSERS SPOTTED IN CENTRAL DUBLIN

ELECTION LEXICON

031px Humour.indd_NEW_Page_1_Image_0002

Cabinet: Thing you hide behind when a candidate comes round to the back door determined to see if you really are not at home.
Constituent: Member of society known to harbour strong emotions of anger, disillusionment, cynicism and revenge.
Candidate: Much smaller section of the population known to harbour strong sentiments of grandeur, egotism, vanity and self-delusion.
The party: Thing people hold when the last of the candidates has departed a constituent’s doorstep

Demoralised Sinn Féin struggle to top poll
Gerry Adams
Gerry Adams

Gerry Adams

With the election just weeks away, discredited Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has very good reason to be dejected this weekend. The humiliated boss of his minority republican party seems certain to lead his team of losers to their best ever election result, according to the latest Sunday Independent poll from noshinners.gov.
With a mere 29% ratings share, Sinn Féin has barely managed to become the second most popular party after Fine Gael and only slightly ahead of Labour’s highly impressive 5%. When voters were asked the question: “Which party do you trust most to follow through on their election promises?”, the universally-derided left wing Sinn Féin struggled to come out on top with a dismal 83%.
Put simply, Grizzly is doomed.

Kenny “will be involved in campaign”
Enda Kenny

by Our Political Staff – Mark O’Really

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

Fine Gael strategists have angered some of the party’s TDs by confirming that Enda Kenny will continue to have a role in the election campaign.
Party sources have said that Mr Kenny’s prominence in the election will be strictly controlled because of growing concern over his media performances and his embarrassing gaffes about the housing crisis and fiscal space.
“It’s common knowledge behind the scenes that the Taoiseach is a complete liability, so the main thing is to keep his public presence to an absolute minimum,” said Mike Madeup, a leading party activist. “We intend to put a limit on his appearances – restricting his profile to those smug posters currently on lamp-posts.”
Meanwhile, several of Mr Kenny’s senior colleagues have also expressed concern about his impact on voters. “This election is all about the need for strong leadership – and we don’t want to confuse people with too many appearances by the Taoiseach,” said one prominent minister.
“This high risk strategy of associating Enda with Fine Gael could do untold damage – especially to my own immediate prospects of getting out of Health as soon as possible and replacing the little bastard as Party Leader.”

POLL OF POLL OF POLLS UPDATE

Compiled by Our Political Staff – Phil Inname

   % of newspaper headlines taken up with election polls
   % of pointless bar charts, graphs, diagrams stats, etc. on front pages
   % of inside pages filled with other worthless graphics
   % of readers who are not remotely interested
   % of people who will stop buying papers until election is over


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    Questioned about election coverage, 63% of the public expressed a strong wish for less Irish Times than Indo. 87% found both newspapers “unbearable”.

    A staggering 96% of those polled found nothing remotely interesting about Fintan O’Toole’s hand-wringing articles addressing the post-modern decline of Irish political life.

    Only 3% read anything written by Jody Corcoran although in the same survey David McWilliams was trailing Corcoran at 2%, having dropped 13% from his previous high of a 15% lead over Eoghan Harris, whose dull rating remains steady at 97%.

    Just over 47% thought that Miriam Lord had even less to say than either Harry McGee or Noel Whelan.

    This latest finding is 16% up on yesterday’s poll, which showed that Martin Wall’s long-winded pieces were 39% more mind-numbing than Fionnan Sheahan’s.

    When asked to name the candidates most likely lose circulation during the run-up to the election, Kevin Myers came out on top with 59%, Michael Clifford was a close second with 57% followed by Una Mullally, who registered a disappointing 54% – splitting the disaffected vote three ways.

 

ENDA’S ELECTION HITS

The Boss pays tribute to dead music stars on a special GE2016 record

The Eagles – Hell Freezes Over (duet with Micheál Martin)

The Eagles – One Of These Nights (with Martin Callinan)

David Bowie – Rebel Rebel (with Lucinda Creighton)

David Bowie – Changes (with Joan Burton)

Motörhead – The Chase Is Better Than The Catch (with Michael Lowry)

Motörhead – Bow Down To The King (with Leo Varadkar)


Labour unveil new Agriculture spokesperson

Election Poster Roundup

[vc_row][vc_column width=”1/1″][vc_media_grid style=”all” items_per_page=”10″ element_width=”3″ gap=”5″ button_style=”rounded” button_color=”blue” button_size=”md” arrows_design=”none” arrows_position=”inside” arrows_color=”blue” paging_design=”radio_dots” paging_color=”grey” loop=”” autoplay=”-1″ item=”mediaGrid_Default” grid_id=”vc_gid:1455159273958-fd6b2e09-bac8-6″ include=”3694,3695,3696,3697,3698,3699,3700,3701,3702,3703,3704,3705,3706,3707,3708,3709″][/vc_column][/vc_row]

AK47 SHOCK!

Labour have come under intense pressure to decommission Alan Kelly after the environment minister’s latest bizarre outburst. During a live interview on RTÉ television, Kelly declared that the time had come for him to “realise his destiny” and “lead mankind into the new Age of Aquarius”. However, a Labour spokesman denied that Kelly had become a liability. “It’s just Alan being Alan,” he said. “Even that recent incident where he declared that alien beings are living amongst us in human guise, it’s all part of the cut and thrust of the election campaign.”


ELECTION JARGON EXPLAINED

No# 47: Rainy Day Fund

Meaning: None; total bollocks
Meant to convey: Fiscal responsibility, instead suggests love of empty guff
Likelihood of being implemented: Will be forgotten on Feb 27

A MESSAGE FROM ENDA KENNY

The general election is now in full swing and I know how much you’re all enjoying it. While the country has benefited from an economic upswing of late, it’s important not to forget the most vulnerable in our society – and rest assured, we are doing everything in our power to keep Alan Kelly away from the media at the moment.
I know how grateful you all are for austerity, water charges etc and certainly on the doorsteps, people cannot wait to discuss these issues. The fact that your views are often accompanied by the hurling of sundry objects is testament to the robust nature of our political debate.
Elsewhere, our successes are too numerous to count, whether it be the crumbling nature of our transport system or the shambolic state of the health service. If we wish to maintain our successful programme of infrastructural and economic renewal, the best option is undoubtedly to return the current coalition – all the other parties are absolute chancers who will drive us over the cliff.
With regard to forming the next government, we are totally ruling out doing a deal with Independents, Fianna Fáil or indeed anyone else – unless of course we need to rule it in. In conclusion, I would like to tell you about a man I met in Dublin recently. That man’s name was Leo and he said to me, “Enda, I want to replace you as party leader some day”. His words were a powerful reminder of the rampant self-interest that dominates our political landscape.
In this centenary year of 1916, I encourage voters to return Fine Gael to government so that we can maintain Ireland’s status as a vibrant 21st century nation – while also enjoying the many perks of power over the next five years, of course.

The Wesht Wing

Scene 1: The Alexandra Hotel, Dublin. After a faltering first press conference of the election campaign by Enda Kenny, faceless party strategists call an emergency meeting.
Faceless strategist 1: That wasn’t very good, Taoiseach.
Kenny: Well, they asked me a question about figures and stuff, which as you know is not my strength. So I tried to bat it away.
Faceless strategist 2: And that line about “most people don’t understand economic jargon” was the best you could think of? Jesus – the hacks were laughing at you. It was so obvious you didn’t understand it either.
FC1 (to Michael Noonan): But you should have intervened at that point to take the question for him, Mick.
Noonan: I didn’t realise he was stuck until he started speaking. I mean, I could see he had a blank look on his face. But in fairness, he has that all the time.
FC2: We need to protect the Taoiseach better during the campaign. Otherwise our high-risk strategy of letting him out in public occasionally is going to backfire.
FC1: It’s a bit like Jonny Sexton in the rugby. We have to avoid situations where Enda’s brain is exposed to violent impacts.
FC2: Even if he doesn’t have the excuse of accumulated concussions.
FC1: So, any time we see a big hit coming his direction, just like in the rugby, we need the fat guys to get in the way and take the heat for him.
Noonan: Gee, thanks lads. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m on a diet.
FC1: Sorry, Mick – I wasn’t referring to your physique. I mean that you’re an intellectual heavyweight.
Kenny (offended): And I’m just a pretty face, I suppose?
FC2: You do have a great a smile, Taoiseach. Where possible, you should use that instead of speaking.


Scene 2: The Fiscal Space Centre (aka Fine Gael election HQ). Worried analysts pore over the party’s draft economic manifesto.

Analyst 1: Houston, we have a problem.
Analyst 2: What is it?
Analyst 1: It appears to be a black hole of some kind.
Analyst 2: In the universe?
Analyst 1: In the fiscal space, actually. You know how Baldy has been saying we have €12 billion to spend between 2017 and 2021?
Analyst 2: Yeah?
Analyst 1: It appears to be only €10.1 billion.
Analyst 2: Oh well. What’s a couple of billion here or there?
Analyst 1: Yeah, you’re right. But we better put the lower figure in the manifesto.
Analyst 2: Agreed. The political hacks won’t even notice the difference, anyway. You know what they’re like: they can’t count higher than their expense claims, most of them.
Analyst 1 (changing figure): There. If any fiscal space experts do spot it, we’ll get Enda to blame it on the effects of dark matter.
Analyst 2: That might work. It’s all dark matter to him, anyway.


Scene 3: A street in Nenagh, Co Tipperary. Alan Kelly bumps into Michael Lowry on the canvass.

Lowry: The hard man. (They shake hands.) I probably shouldn’t be touching you, though – I hear you’re toxic.

Kelly: Ha ha. If I’m toxic, you must be radioactive. But who’s complaining about me now?
Lowry: “Senior party sources”, according to the papers. They say your naked ambition and disloyalty to the leadership is derailing their campaign.
Kelly: Me – ambitious and disloyal? That’s hilarious. Sure I care about nothing except what’s best for Labour.
Lowry: In other words, you replacing Joan as leader as soon as possible?
Kelly: Exactly. But enough about me – if that’s possible. I see Enda’s ruled out doing any deal with you after the election.
Lowry: Not really.
Kelly: How so? He said there’d be no pact with you or any Independents. That’s fairly clear, by his standards.
Lowry: Yes, but you notice how he lumped me in with all the others?
Kelly: You mean he wasn’t taking a moral stand on you in particular? Ok, but he still said he won’t do a deal with Independents.
Lowry: No, but he might do a deal with the newly-formed NTP.
Kelly: Let me guess – the North Tipperary Party?
Lowry: Feel free to join us if your post-election heave doesn’t work.
Kelly: Ha ha. It’ll work alright. But good luck with the party. I just hope you win one of the two remaining seats after I top the poll.
Lowry: Dream on, young fella. I’m still the man here. You’ll be doing well to finish second.


Scene 4: Sinn Féin HQ. After receiving a coded telephone warning about the presence of a suspected typo in one of Mary Lou McDonald’s campaign leaflets, the party’s electoral bomb disposal unit considers the situation.

Gerry Adams: Do we know the exact nature of the, er, suspect device?
McDonald (blushing from shame): Apparently we printed two ‘o’s instead of two ‘b’s in the “Bobby” of “Bobby Sands”.
Pearse Doherty: Us walking into a booby trap. Who’d have thought?
Adams (stroking beard): OK – keep monitoring social media while I think about how we can defuse this.
Doherty: What about a controlled explosion?
Adams: You mean we admit it ourselves before anyone else notices, and then make a joke out of it? No, our critics would still have a field day. How many of the leaflets have we printed, Mary Lou?
McDonald: A couple of thousand. But most of them are still here. We only distributed a few boxes when I was out canvassing in Cabra earlier.
Adams: Right. We’ll destroy the ones here before we do anything else. Then we’ll retrace your steps in Cabra and see if we can get back the ones you gave out.
Doherty: We can say it’s a new recycling policy. Or an anti-littering initiative.
Adams: Good thinking, Pearse. If we approach this operation delicately enough…
McDonald (looking at iPhone): Feck. Too late.
Adams: What?
McDonald: Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. It’s blown up.

The Wesht Wing

Scene 1: Davos. Mingling with guests after taking part in a panel discussion on “global inequality”, Enda Kenny bumps into an old friend.
Denis O’Brien: Well done, Taoiseach – you were great.
Kenny (checking nervously for cameras before shaking hands): Thanks Denis. I was a bit worried beforehand – there were some heavy hitters up there.
O’Brien: Yeah, well, you and Joe Stiglitz. I’ll be honest – when I saw the word “inequality” in the discussion title, I thought they were talking about your respective IQs. But I gotta say, you handed him his Nobel-prize winning arse on a plate.
Kenny (blushing): Gosh – was I that good, really? Well, in fairness, he couldn’t very well beat me with the anti-austerity stick this time, what with the extent of our economic recovery.
O’Brien: Still, you were very sure-footed. You struck just the right balance between false humility and smugness. And for a change, you didn’t give any presents to the media. You know, like “we all partied” or that shite about armies guarding ATM machines – the stuff you normally come out with when you get carried away. No, seriously, you did well.
Kenny: Thanks. To be honest, I had a bit of help. (He fiddles with an earpiece, then speaks into a miniature microphone on his lapel). You can stop talking now, Frank – I’m off stage.
O’Brien: Who’s that?
Kenny (to O’Brien): Frank Flannery. He was feeding me lines for the harder questions. (To microphone) It’s all right Frank, I’m finished now. I’m with Denis.
O’Brien: Tell him I said hello.
Kenny: Denis says hello. (He listens to ear-piece, then speaks into microphone again). No, don’t worry – there’s no cameras around.


Scene 2: City West hotel. As Fine Gael gather for the ard fheis, Brian Hayes and Simon Coveney walk and talk.

Coveney: So I hear we have a €3 million war chest for the election?
Hayes: Apparently so.
Coveney: Jeez. An economic recovery that’s the envy of the world, a hopelessly disunited opposition, and three million to spend. You must be the luckiest director of elections ever.
Hayes: Well, the wind’s behind us, all right. But I’m not taking anything for granted.
Coveney: Oh, come on. We can’t seriously lose this election.
Hayes: That’s what Dev thought in 1948.
Coveney: And? You’ll have to remind me what happened then.
Hayes: The first inter-party coalition, that’s what. It had more different working parts than a small car. The only thing they all had in common was they were sick of the government. So lo and behold, to everybody’s amazement, they formed a coalition and turfed the Soldiers out of power.
Coveney: You’ve been reading your history books, I see.
Hayes: Actually it’s Flannery was reading them. Now that we’re so close to the historic second term, he’s worried we’ll screw up by appearing too arrogant, like Dev did.
Coveney: I must remember to sound modest about our achievements. However hard it is.
Hayes: That’s exactly the note we need to strike, Flannery says. Trying to be humble, but failing occasionally, because it’s such a big challenge.
Coveney: Okay. Still, a booming economy and three million to spend on posters.
Hayes: Yeah, you’re right. (He looks over shoulder and lowers voice) We can’t possibly lose.


Scene 3: A back room of City West, Saturday night. The Taoiseach practices his speech in front of a mirror, as Frank Flannery enters.

Enda Kenny: “…Because for us, the recovery is not a political prize, or an ego trip, or something that makes global headlines. Even if those headlines attract the admiration of people like the Nobel Prize-winning economist Joe Stiglitz, who by way the I wiped the floor with at Davos the other day, in case you missed it.”
Flannery (seizing script): I don’t remember approving any line about Stiglitz. (He reads through text) How many times have I told you, Enda? Don’t ad-lib. After “global headlines…”, you just say: “The recovery is something to be lived and felt by every citizen of our republic.” Then you pause – where it says “pause”. And then you say: “Because it’s your recovery.”
Kenny: Yeah, I know that’s what it says, Frank. But I thought it needed spicing up. It’s boring.
Flannery: It’s supposed to be boring.
Kenny: And I’m saying “recovery” so often I sound like I’m in rehab.
Flannery: It’s the key word – you can’t say it often enough. Trust me. It worked with all the focus groups.
Kenny (sighing but staring grave-faced at the mirror and resuming from script): “Because it’s your recovery.”
Flannery: That’s better. But what the hell is this, by the way?
Kenny: You mean the tie? Fionnuala bought it for me at Christmas. It’s colourful.
Flannery: It’s too colourful – it’s like something Mick Wallace would wear if he wore ties. Take it off. (He produces a red tie from somewhere instead). Put this on.
Kenny: What’s so good about red?
Flannery: It sets off the blue shirt better. And it’s a signal to Labour – a vote of confidence in our coalition colleagues.
Kenny: But we don’t have any confidence in them. You said yourself they’re f****d.
Flannery: Even so. Fine Gael preferences might swing them enough last seats to limp back into power with us. And they’re still our preferred lapdogs… er, I mean partners. (He straightens Kenny’s tie).
Press officer (peering in door): You’re on in two minutes, Taoiseach.
Flannery: Go get ’em, champ! No – wait.
Kenny: What is it now?
Flannery (spraying him with aerosol): Anti-perspirant. It’s pretty warm out there under the lights. I don’t want you sweating on live TV. There’ll be time enough for that come the leaders’ debates.

2016 Six Nations lexicon

ball-baring

Four-year cycle – Build up to World Cup disaster in 2019

Lions selection – Deciding who goes to New Zealand to get hammered by the All Blacks

22 – Number of fans left at Leinster games

XV – Number of fans left at Munster games

Captain’s Run – Rory Best comes off injured again

Refugee Update
Phoenix BW

WITH THE news that only 20 asylum seekers from 160,000 applied to live in Ireland, people are asking – what’s wrong with those 20 people? “They must be weirdoes,” said one commentator. “Why anyone would choose to come here is a mystery, they must be hiding something. I mean have they read anything about what’s gone on here in the last 10 years? The lies, the corruption, the toothless inquires, the jobs for the boys, the homeless crisis, the state of the healthcare system, and they still choose to come here. It’s crazy.”

THOSE IRISH OSCAR NOMINATIONS

Best Disaster Movie Actress: Joan Burton for The Polls
Best Tragicomic Lead: Leo Varadkar for Health Watch
Best Ignored Performance: Leinster Rugby team for Turning Up
Greatest Animation Film: Teresa Mannion for Stay Indoors
Best Keep Silent Movie Director: Denis O’Brien for The Letters
Greatest Grovelling Performance: Michael Noonan for Greeting Donald
Best Forgotten: Nicky Byrne for Million Dollar Snooze
Best Switch Over: Ray D’Arcy for Saturday Nights

Putin pins blame on Steven Avery

RUSSIAN POLICE have made contact with the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department as they investigate the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006. The ex-KGB agent was poisoned and an inquiry in England found that Russian president Vladimir Putin ‘probably’ approved the assassination.
But having watched Making A Murderer, Russian police think that Manitowoc law enforcement can help them. “We’ve seen how these guys work,” said Putin, “and we’re impressed. I think that if we can get them on the case for a couple of weeks, it will become clear that I had nothing to do with this grisly murder – the obvious suspect is Steve Avery.”

IN MEMORY OF GLENN FREY
Phoenix BW

So farewell then Glenn Frey
Guitarist with the Eagles
You soared so high
My dad says he saw you
Backstage in 1974
As a teen
He swears it was the best
Fight
He has ever seen

Palin’s pro-Trump speech

Palin’s pro-Trump speech “Hey! Right! Hallelujah! Let’s hear it for Donny Trump. Yessiree! It’s so good to be right here with all you God-fearing Republican folk in Red Neck, Arizona. Yeah – let’s shoot some turkey. Welcome to my world. It’s a darn sight safer with Donald here as Commander-in-Chief and just a heart-beat away from the presidency.
“With Don Trump at the helm, America is a better place. From Chainsaw, New Massacre all the way to Crabcake County, through the entire Deep Mid-West heartlands, we can all rest easy in our beds. And why? Because it’s High Noon! Way to go, Trumpy! Eat lead ISIS assholes! Shock ‘n’ awe!
“Sure, we have other top-notch candidates, including Pretzel County’s Senator Ted Zilch and Governor Mort Bagel from Wimp City, Utah. But tough as these two guys are, they just don’t have the true grit of the next White House occupant – President Donny! You betcha!”

Tennis rocked by new scandal

Tennis rocked by new scandalThe world of sport was reeling last night as fresh claims emerged that dozens of players in the upper echelons of tennis may be under the influence of “massive doses” of a performance boosting substance during matches.
Many of the game’s household names are said to have injected the substance – known on the circuit as ‘money’ or ‘moolah’– directly into their bank accounts, in deliberate attempts to strengthen their financial muscle and put extra spring in their step.
Shocked observers claim “vast traces” of the “euphoria-creating” moolah have been detected in players’ wallets, with some commentators even suggesting that players “love the stuff” even more than the game itself. “There’s evidence that they enjoy it so much that they only play tennis so they can get access to it,” says one observer. “Some of them have more of it than John Delaney stashed away!”

ALL-PURPOSE ELECTION LEAFLET
Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo
 Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo

Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo

Dear constituent

You may not remember me – I last called to your door five years ago. As I recall, you weren’t in on that occasion either. Since being elected as your TD, I have been active in a number of key areas, including climate change research, which involved trips to
California, Malaysia and the Caribbean. I have also extensively explored best practice in the nightclub industry throughout Europe and the US, and enthusiastically participated in trade delegations to New Zealand and Tokyo.
During these trips, I have worked tirelessly on your behalf. If elected this time around, I promise to continue my work in the international arena, as well as tackling important local issues as such as (lads – fill in some stuff here). Our country faces serious challenges at this moment in time. We need to maintain the economic recovery, and tackle the urgent problems facing us in areas such as health, transport… (recycle stuff from last leaflet here).
Above all else, it is vital to remember this – our party is the only one qualified to sort out these issues. The others are full of cutthroat careerists obsessed with self-promotion.

Yours etc,
Mike Shifty TD

REASONS ENDA KENNY HASN’T CALLED THE ELECTION YET
Enda Kenny
Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

  • Not used to doing something without being instructed first by Angela Merkel
  • Still has to finish season five of Homeland
  • Can’t work up nerve to defend austerity
  • Too excited about Guns N’ Roses reunion
  • Still room for more bullshit in manifesto

 

 

 

 


 

LATEST DEAD C POLL

Who do you want to see as Taoiseach after the next election?

 Keith Richards  – 50%
 Scarlett Johansson  – 30%
 Jimmy Page  – 10%
 Hulk from Avengers  – 9%
 Ennui Kenny  – 1%*

* 1% margin of error

FORM A GOVERNMENT

Advertisement 

It’s the bored game no one’s talking about!

In this exciting new game, you play a highly-paid party adviser with one challenge – forming a government in the aftermath of the election, at any cost! Use your negotiating skills to come to the best possible arrangement, and decide whether you will: build a bypass for some Independents down the country; give Shane Dross a ministry; get into bed with Fianna Fáil; share power with those evil Shinners; or even have exploratory talks with the Greens’ Eamon Ryan (if you’re particularly desperate).

And don’t forget to tell the media lots of guff about “acting in the national interest at all times”.

FORM A GOVERNMENT – Just like the real thing! (Takes too long and bores everyone to tears)


FIANNA FAILURE

PLANET 9 UPDATE
Phoenix BW

Louth County Council says it is “following with interest” reports of a possible ‘ninth planet’ existing in Earth’s solar system, as it attempts to relocate Traveller families it recently evicted. Said a council spokesman, “Certainly the planet would seem to provide ample space for play areas, parking and so on – and as far as we know is not privately owned. Most importantly, it is also quite a distance away from us. We are awaiting a response from NASA to our inquiries.”

Fitzgerald calls for calm

Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald has called for “reason and calm” amidst the ongoing controversy over GSOC and gardaí accessing journalists’ phone records.
“We need a proper perspective here,” the minister is alleged to have told a close friend on the phone, according to a man whose niece is dating a garda. “Surely it’s better than reverting to the dig in the kidneys and prising back the middle finger to get information. We’re not a bunch of Christian Brothers! A gentle inquiry is totally civilised for extracting information.”
However the minister denies having used her phone at all on the night in question. “I’d want to be half mad to risk talking into such a device in Ireland these days!” she claims. “When I find out who phoned you that false information, there will be repercussions!”

Apartment Wanted

Apartment measuring 15 sq m. Bed must be no more than 5cm from door, and ceiling no more than 4ft from floor. Contact Alan at Dept of Environment.

 

JOHN DELANEY LATEST

LABOUR SUPPORTERS say they are shocked that FAI boss John Delaney is backing their candidate in Tipperary, Minister Alan Kelly. The soccer chief hit the streets of the Premier County with the TD, urging voters to get behind his friend in the upcoming election. “He always struck me as more of a Fianna Fáil guy,” said one Labour voter. “To find out he is a Labour man, well, I mean I’m not complaining, we’ll take anyone we can to be honest. I suppose there are parallels between us and the Irish soccer team – we’re both lower-tier outfits facing annihilation this year.”


labVote

O’Sullivan reassures on phone records
Phoenix BW

In her latest bid to allay public concerns over access to phone records by gardaí and other state bodies, Garda Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan has insisted that her organisation would only access private citizens’ records “in cases of extreme necessity”.

“An Garda Síochána has no interest in journalists’ private lives,” said O’Sullivan. “We have no interest in personal matters, such as ringing in an order for pizza with extra pineapple and salami for house number 27 in a south Dublin suburb, at 8.52pm last Thursday night.”
And in a bid to reassure journalists about their privacy, the Garda chief said, “There is really no cause to ring round to each others’ homes all night last Tuesday, expressing fears of being followed by unmarked cars throughout next weekend.”

The David Bowie I didn’t know

Like everyone else who didn’t know David Bowie, I knew him in a very special way that can only happen by knowing someone intimately through his music. To me, of course, the kind of relationship I shared with David was all the more meaningful for not knowing him in the usual sense.
There have been so many special moments – “golden days”, as he might say – for both of us. My first unforgettable encounter with the man who was known to countless fans as the Thin White Ziggy was on the front pages of all the national newspapers last week when I read the shocking news that the legendary Aladdin Starstruck had reinvented himself once again.
I was to soon come across this extraordinarily English singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and actor on Wikipedia – something which I immediately copied and pasted into this moving tribute. Who could ever forge that this all-round creative genius had left us with such an incredible musical legacy as well as discovering alien life-forms on Mars.
As the musical world continues to grieve, I am left with the comforting memory of the man known simply as “The Showbiz Editor” who told me: “This is the usual drivel – but we can throw in a lot of androgynous photos and run it over 4 pages”

More GSOC revelations

GSOC agents who snooped on a number of Independent News & Media journalists came across a plot to flood the front pages with the latest celebrity gossip that ‘you need to know’.
Expecting to uncover details of hidden political agendas, the agents were shocked to discover how Holly Carpenter ‘deals with haters and keyboard warriors’, ‘What’s up with Bressie’s new glasses?’ and ‘are Georgia Salpa’s twins real?’
Their suspicions were confirmed when they opened the Irish Independent, Herald and the Sunday Independent to find numerous examples of dross, drivel and assorted nonsense – anything to get real news off the pages.
“It really opened my eyes,” said one member of GSOC. “I always wondered where Kirsty Blake Knox got her clothes from, and there it was, in page 3 of the Herald. And there were always suspicions about whether Salpa’s boys were real or not. That mystery continues.”


DAVOS WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM

“My phone was not hacked,” admits shocked journalist
Phoenix BW

by Our Security Staff, Conor Doolally

A prominent journalist who cannot be named for legal reasons admitted last night that his telephone had not been hacked by gardaí at any stage over the past year.
“When I found myself not being arrested at dawn, I immediately realised that something very peculiar was going on,” said the Dublin-based reporter. “So I contacted the local station to complain, but was told that the Gardaí were currently short-staffed and simply hadn’t the numbers to tap everyone at this stage.”
The journalist continued: “Naturally, I’m disappointed at this shocking lack of intrusion into my day-to-day working life, and intend to get in touch with a good solicitor with a view to making a claim for substantial damages – but in the meantime, I will have to be patient and just wait my turn like everybody else.”