Latest from the Blog:

DONALD TRUMP’S OATH OF OFFICE
“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute political opponents, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend my business interests, reality TV career and Vlad Putin’s geopolitical ambitions.” Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix... Read more »

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Shane Ross’s new road plans
COLLISION CORPSE: As is tradition, Ross has denied rumours of a rift with RSA chief Liz O’Donnell despite evidence to the contrary TRANSPORT minister Shane Ross will introduce strict new laws to improve road safety and reduce congestion on major routeways. Speaking outside Leinster House... Read more »

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Kehoe: have you seen my brilliant documentary?
BEST OF PALS: A distinguished intellectual and Noam Chomsky By Ian Kehoe LATE last year, I uncovered a shocking scandal that formed the basis of my acclaimed recent RTÉ documentary, The Greatness Of Ian Kehoe. In this groundbreaking exposé, I explain the vulture fund crisis... Read more »

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THOSE NEW ROAD RULES
All former bus lanes to be reassigned as ministerial car lanes. No more left turns. Lifetime ban on drivers who have consumed any alcohol. With the exception of a decent vintage Bordeaux, of course. At peak periods, simply form an orderly queue and occupy yourself... Read more »

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SIX NATIONS 2017 LEXICON
Con Cussion – New player expected to see a lot of game time Blurred Lions – How Con Cussion views opponents after tackles Grand Slam – Players getting spear-tackled into the ground head first HIA 1 – Hide Injury Asap HIA 2 – Hide Injury... Read more »

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Fears that Simon Harris may spread
THE public was bracing itself last night for further outbreaks of Simon Harris as the current crisis in the health service worsened. Fears heightened as thousands more people complained of headaches, nausea and a chill down the spine after catching the minister on TV and... Read more »

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Cancer campaign goes up in smoke
HEALTH KICK: This man says he’s down to 500 fags at the same time thanks to the Irish Cancer Society’s brilliant new ad campaign IN A shock development, tens of thousands of Irish people have taken up smoking after a TV advertisement campaign by the... Read more »

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Medical Matters
with Spin Doctor Simon As a spin doctor, I’m often asked: “Doctor, do you have a hospital bed for me?” The simple answer is: “No, of course not.” What happens is that the patient is at death’s door and is referred to the nearest public... Read more »

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Taoiseach has ‘no plans to be a Guardiola’
TAOISEACH Enda Kenny says he has “no plans at present” to follow Manchester City gaffer Pep Guardiola’s announcement that his retirement has “already started”. The gaffer made his announcement after a run of poor performances, particularly on homelessness and the health service. But the sport... Read more »

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ALL-PURPOSE NEW YEAR HEALTH SCARE FILLER
by Our Health Scare Staff, Phil Ward NOW THAT 2017 is here, it’s time to take stock of our national obsession with food. As we start into another year, recent statistics clearly show that Irish teenagers are now becoming dangerously overweight/undernourished. Because of our increasingly... Read more »

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How they compare
GUARDIOLA KENNY Managed Messi Managed messers In control of the opposition Opposition in control Looks after millionaires in blue shirts Looks after Blueshirts and millionaires Hails Claudio Bravo between the sticks Hails from the shticks

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2017 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
Under the current arrangement, our party is effectively standing at the very edge of the cliff. That is why I resolve to stand very close behind our current Taoiseach Enda Kenny for as long as it takes. Leo Varadkar       We need far... Read more »

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‘Oireachtas chemsex orgies out of control’
POWER IS A DRUG: And Alan Kelly is the reason they call it dope By Our Medical Staff CONCERN is growing among medical professionals about the proliferation of chemsex orgies around the country. In particular, a building on Kildare Street has become notorious for its... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HILLARY CLINTON ARLENE FOSTER Can’t stand the heat in the kitchen Can’t stand the heat in the kitchen Has recurring problems with troublesome emails Has recurring problems with troublesome males Always keen on running for high office Always keen on running for cover I’ve put... Read more »

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
A message from the principal Well, I hope you all had a great Christmas and that your batteries are now fully recharged. But 2017 is already upon us, so it’s time to take down the decorations and recycle the tree. It’s also time to pack... Read more »

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‘Irish Times’ explains that Nick Pell explainer
By Kevin ‘Kev’ O’Sullivan ONE REALLY is rather taken aback by the fuss created by our publishing that somewhat colourful piece by Mr Pell. The reason we felt compelled to print the article was to awaken our otherwise intelligent and informed readers to the rather... Read more »

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AMY HUBERMAN NOT AT PR EVENT SHOCK
NO-SHOW: Sources have revealed that Huberman was off being unfeasibly successful and well dressed at another event LEADING Irish celebrity Amy Huberman surprised onlookers at an event yesterday when she failed to make an appearance or be photographed for the newspapers. The multi-talented actress and... Read more »

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Glossary of Irish Times terms
Everything you need to know about this massively controversial movement populated by fringe lunatics Mullally — Long-winded opinion columnist who loves sound of own voice O’Toole — Older version of a Mullally Dead weight — Cliff Taylor think-piece Paleocon — Letters page correspondent Total con... Read more »

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BIG SAM’S ROYAL PAIN
PALACE INTRIGUE: Over the years, Big Sam has developed a reputation as a stickler for nutrition and conditioning DISGRACED former Limerick FC manager Sam Allardyce has t faken up a new role as manager at Buckingham Palace! (Surely Crystal Palace? – Ed) Allardyce will be... Read more »

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Obama rows back on mantra
NOD AND WINK: Did Obama have his fingers crossed when he said Yes We Can? BARACK OBAMA is set to scrap his pre-2008 election slogan Yes We Can for the less catchy No We Couldn’t as his presidency ends. He rose to power aided by... Read more »

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Brilliant Buckley presents “progressive pension plan”
GENEROUS: This INM executive expressed delight at the board’s warm and humane treatment of staff by the Entire Indo Staff CHAIRMAN of the board of INM Leslie Buckley has assured employees that senior management will do its utmost to resolve the pensions dispute as soon... Read more »

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The Bert is back!
WE ALL BERTIED: Ahern, pictured here in a cupboard, will be remembered as one of our most dignified statesmen THE world of politics has been rocked to its foundations by the news that Bertie Ahern, who did himself and the Fianna Fail party (But particularly... Read more »

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EARLY MEMORIES OF SANTA CLAUS
Roy Keane: “My earliest memory of Christmas was seeing this guy in the United colours in a Cork shop and knowing straight away that he was completely overweight. But what really annoyed the hole off me was that he didn’t seem to care and was... Read more »

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NewsTalk Christmas highlights
Business Breakfast Ace reporter Paul Williams eases listeners into Christmas with a hard-hitting investigation into the scumbag TDs who are hell-bent on destroying the good name of Ireland’s greatest entrepreneur, Denis O’Brien. High Ruin The inimitable George Hook talks to high-flying Communicorp’s Lucy Gaffney and... Read more »

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A message from the ISPCP (Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to politicians)
At Christmas it is all too easy for feelings of kindness and sentimentality to dictate our actions. That is why we must think very carefully about the long-term consequences of showing compassion. So if you feel sorry for the Labour Party and choose to bring... Read more »

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That Áras Christmas Dinner
Brown Tongue Soup Havana Fritters with Potatoes (Half-Baked in their Dinner-Jackets) Red Snapper à la Castro –O– Junket Toadie-In-The-Hole Creeps Suzettes –O– Waffle with Syrup Pizza In Our Time with Leftovers, Cuban cigars –O– All washed up with Vintage Champagne in the Áras Selection of... Read more »

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O’BRIEN MOVES TO DENY SANTA ACCESS TO HOME
Dear Mr. Claus, I write in reference to the matter previously brought to your attention in which I sought total reassurance from you regarding an alleged plot to invade my personal space via my chimney on the night of December 24th next. I find it... Read more »

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New Year Predictions
Donald Trump America’s going back to work in 2017. Believe me. You won’t recognize the White House. Right? Profit-making enterprise, OK? Proper high-rise – at last 96-storeys. Roof-top casino on upper deck. Classy looking bar staff. Cleavage. The works. Let’s face it, Europe is finished.... Read more »

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RTÉ HOLIDAY MOVIES
A Christmas Carol Perennial Dickens favourite, featuring Paschal “Scrooge” Donohoe as the miser who is determined to claw his way to the top. Co-starring Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar as the ghosts of political humbug. The Adams Family Comic horror classic featuring the country’s most... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
This Week: ‘Denis’ Male name. Origin: France. Pronounciation: Deni’. Deriving from the Greek Dionysius meaning “follower of Dionysos.” (a Greek god). Caring, Sensitive and Artistic. Natural intelligence and humble demeanor. Loyal and trusting. Found to be charming and handsome by many. Cherished by family and... Read more »

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UPDATED SPORTING TERMS FOR 2017
Playing the man on — Not enough women on the board Breaking ball — Not enough women on the board Last man back — Not enough women on the board Taking the man out — Not enough women on the board Target man — Not... Read more »

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
A message from the principal: It’s hard to believe that, according to the latest school opinion poll, 30 per cent of you believe Mr Martin should be Principal. But even if this extraordinary figure is accurate, it needs to be considered in the context of another... Read more »

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MOURINHO’S (IRISH) LEXICON OF FOOTBALL
Playing field: Uneven surface faced by taxpayers in Ireland Flags: Something the regulator has been known to ignore Goal: To save as much taxes as possible of course Referee: Man with Irish accent who never blows the whistle Net: Big profits left after playing the... Read more »

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