Latest from the Blog:

WB YEATS ON SIR KNOB: “IMBECILE”
WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have... Read more »

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“I’m totally innocent!” says Panama Papers businessman
Businessman Mike Dodgy (file photo) A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence. Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but... Read more »

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New Adams uproar
Gerry Adams Sinn Féin has accused the US Secret Service of “failing to respond appropriately” to an advance warning that Gerry Adams was primed to go off to America. The claim comes as the US capital Washington continues to recover from the earth-shattering event. Soon after the... Read more »

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Carruthers set for shock call-up!
MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham. The player featured prominently during the festival and was described... Read more »

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“I’ll only support anyone” – Ross insists
Phoenix BW by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties. “Yes, I’ve made it perfectly... Read more »

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In Memory of Paul Daniels
Phoenix BW Farewell then, Paul Daniels I half liked your deception But not a lot As you used to say But this is an exception So well done, fair play No smoke and mirrors as once feared This time you really have Disappeared TV LISTINGS 24 Hours... Read more »

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Nature boffins to study Kenny and Martin
Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each... Read more »

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The Wesht Wing
Scene 1: The West Wing of the White House. After the St Patrick’s Day speeches, Barack Obama chats with Enda Kenny.Obama: So – last time we do this together, eh buddy? Although I guess you might still be back next year?Kenny: Visiting President Trump?Obama: Jeez,... Read more »

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Daniella Moyles – My Private Hell
Daniella Moyles It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s... Read more »

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Politicians unite to stop Boyzlife tour
Phoenix BW POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe. While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged... Read more »

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LUAS LATEST
Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue. A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains. A spokesman said:... Read more »

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Liveline reacts to RTÉ salaries
Phoenix BW Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged!Caller: Too feckin’ right I have!JD: Do you know who did it to you?Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths!JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you... Read more »

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Rising celebrations celebrated
Crowds enjoy the Rising festivities As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.) Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster... Read more »

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FIANNA FAIL UPDATE
FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”. The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are... Read more »

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That updated Student Proclamation
“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much... Read more »

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THAT EASTER RISING CELEBRATION PARADE
On Podium outside GPO (Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks) President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys 1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all... Read more »

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Should Enda Kenny get involved in politics?
THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government. “While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling... Read more »

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Danny Healy Rae playlist
Smells Like Irish Water Money Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water) Uptown Pipe Repairs He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)  

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New government expected by 2050
A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to... Read more »

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St. Patrick’s Day ambulances “ready to go”
Phoenix BW By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land. “All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and... Read more »

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Parochial party guests call for tolerance
Phoenix BW Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities. “Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican... Read more »

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TRUMP REVEALS WALL PLANS
Donald Trump US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in... Read more »

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Twink in burglary crisis
Twink Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell... Read more »

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Irish rugby on a knife-edge
As Ireland prepare for crucial matches against Italy and Scotland, this handy all-purpose commentary piece gives readers the chance to adapt to all eventualities by simply deleting as applicable… Rugby fans throughout the country have only one word to describe the heroic/abysmal performance of the... Read more »

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The Wesht Wing
Scene 1: The Taoiseach’s Office. Enda Kenny reads the newspapers while the portrait of Michael Collins looks on.Collins: Well, have you had your picture painted yet?Kenny: What picture?Collins: The one for the gallery of ex-Taoisigh.Kenny (hufflly): I’m not gone yet. Even if I don’t win... Read more »

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SLAB’S PRISON DIARY
MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let... Read more »

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Renua “to regroup”
IN THE aftermath of last month’s elections, Renua Ireland’s leader has made it clear that “the party fully intends to rebuild as an influential political force to be reckoned with in the years ahead”. Looking blonde and upbeat, Lucinda Creighton told cheering supporters (her husband,... Read more »

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SARAH NEWMAN’S PLAYLIST
Money’s Too Tight To Mention I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt) All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro Money (That’s What I Want) All Out Of Love – And Cash Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den

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State funeral for Labour party
by Our Political Staff Phil Graves It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which... Read more »

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GANGLAND UPDATE
By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had... Read more »

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YOUR GUIDE TO THOSE FIRST TIME TDS
KATE O’CONNELL Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.     LISA CHAMBERS... Read more »

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That proposed FG-FF programme for government
As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest. This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating... Read more »

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Rotating Taoiseach mooted
By Our Dáil Corr, David Davin Prat As negotiating continues amongst the various parties in a bid to form a stable government, one possible option being explored is a rotating Taoiseach arrangement between Enda Kenny, Micheál Martin and numerous other individuals, including Beyonce, Justin Bieber... Read more »

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THOSE MICHEÁL MARTIN DÁIL REFORMS
Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber Leave our... Read more »

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Irish Water latest
Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe. “Things... Read more »

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