Latest from the Blog:

Is there too much endless speculation about the government?
by All Hacks ARE THERE too many filler articles about the possible make-up of the next government in the newspapers? That is the crucial issue I have been asked to write about today by the Editor. Whether or not I can come up with a... Read more »

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McGREGOR WON’T SEEK TAOISEACH NOMINATION
UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government,... Read more »

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SEXTON LOOKING FORWARD TO ENGLAND ENCOUNTER
Phoenix BW JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far. He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m... Read more »

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THOSE ELECTION OSCARS
Enda Kenny Best Make-up Artist Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going               Best Female Supporting Role Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8%      ... Read more »

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Papal Bull(ETIN)
Bienvenida, amigos. What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature... Read more »

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CLARIFICATION
In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such... Read more »

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HEALTH MATTERS
This week Dr Will Squander of Transfusion Positive de-livers his professional opinion People often call me urgently and say, ‘Doctor, I am feeling unwell, what’s the latest news on treatment for hepatitis?’ I always recommend we meet by the pool to discuss the matter over... Read more »

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The Wesht Wing
Scene 1: The lobby of a Dublin hotel. Fine Gael’s Director of Elections holds emergency talks with an old friend of the party.Brian Hayes: Thanks for meeting me at short notice, Frank. As you’ve probably seen, we’re in a bit of trouble, poll-wise.Frank Flannery: Yeah... Read more »

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Croker to host GAA match shock
There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the... Read more »

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D’ARCY IN EUROVISION UPROAR
MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on. D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his... Read more »

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Gardaí to throw ‘full force of the alphabet’ at criminals, vows Commissioner
Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room... Read more »

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GANGLAND WHO’S WHO
MIKE SCUMBAGSuave mafia godfather whose crime empire is believed to comprise Russia, Mexico and the entire continent of Africa. Though based on the Continent, Scumbag regularly flies home to Dublin to attend funerals. Going under the nickname The Llama, his hobbies include relaxing with Colombian... Read more »

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SEAN DUNNE HOUSE SALE

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Thieves shaken after brush with Vlad
THIEVES WHO almost ran into Leo Varadkar as he canvassed for votes in Castleknock say they are “relieved no-one was hurt” in the incident. The robbers were exiting a local shop when they had their lucky escape. One member of the gang explained: “We had... Read more »

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CALLS FOR EARLY BEATIFICATION OF CLAIRE BYRNE
Pressure was increasing on Pope Francis last night to fast-track the canonisation of RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne. The calls come after the adored broadcaster miraculously kept Irish television viewers tuned into an RTÉ political debate for 90 minutes. Such was the powerful force of the... Read more »

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Creighton pledge – “Prison for all”
by Our Crime Staff Phil Cells Lucinda Creighton has again called for the imprisonment of everyone in the country for an indefinite period. The Renua leader has focused on crime throughout the election campaign. “The only way to make the streets of our cities safe... Read more »

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JOAN BURTON’S HANDS
  1) Thumbing nose at socialism 2) Pointing out everyone else’s mistakes 3) Middle finger to Eamon Gilmore 4) Finger not lifted to help Alan Kelly 5) Finger used for pointing out water protestors 6) Thumbs up to Enda Kenny 7) Wagging finger at Sinn... Read more »

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Just how long can it survive?
by Our Political Staff Hugh Cares As the fall-out from this week’s election continues, there is still no clear answer to the question that every political pundit is now asking. How long can this piece about the make-up of the next government keep going? Almost... Read more »

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Taoiseach spells it out
By our Political Corr –  Phil Space FOLLOWING MONTHS of uncertainty during which Enda Kenny has repeatedly insisted that he would not go into government with Fianna Fáil under any circumstances, the Fine Gael leader finally came off the fence yesterday and said that he... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON (Contd.)
n The party: Thing people hold when last of the candidates has departed a constituent’s doorstep. n First preference: To jump under a bus rather than shake that gobshite’s hand! Poll: Speculative form of filler much loved by desperate news editors. Mudslinging: Inevitable result when a candidate... Read more »

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APOLOGY – FIANNA FÁIL
Phoenix BW In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent years have given the impression that Fianna Fáil were a hopelessly washed up political outfit. Headlines such “Biffo And Co. Destroy Country” and “Fianna Failures Facing Total Annihilation” may have led some readers to believe... Read more »

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FG to go into coalition with Fine Gael
By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins In an unexpected move that has shocked many political observers, the Fine Gael party yesterday announced plans to enter into a coalition arrangement with Fine Gael. “We have a very proud history of forming successful governments with other political groupings,” Enda... Read more »

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“Brexit shambles a great success” – Cameron
David Cameron “…Yes, it’s an excellent result for Britain as well as the entire EU – and it’s all thanks primarily to the hard work of myself burning the midnight oil at both ends to completely transform Europe for everyone’s benefit (except for child allowances to foreign... Read more »

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Enda ‘didn’t know there was an election’, shock!
Enda Kenny Taoiseach Enda Kenny has again rejected claims that he deliberately dodged appearing on RTE’s 6pm on the day he dissolved the Dáil, stating that “didn’t know there was an election on.” The Fine Gael leader insisted he had “no problem discussing anything in a public... Read more »

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RTÉ CLARIFY
Miriam O’Callaghan RTÉ have clarified that their broadcasts on February 26 will feature coverage of the election as well as Miriam O’Callaghan. Speculation has grown that the election day output would consist solely of material based around the wildly popular mum of 43, but an RTÉ spokesman... Read more »

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Gerry Adams’ Valentine’s Message to Micheál Martin
With your balding head and Corky smileWe are like chalk and cheeseBut if mandating is your thingI’m up for giving us a fling So Marty, call me please

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Fear grips country as early polls predict a government will emerge!
A deep sense of increasing fear was rapidly spreading ac to power. “I’m petrified they won’t hold the lead and those Fianna Fáil b**tards will somehow sneak in,” said one Blueshirt supporter in Mayo. “I’m really scared the poll will prove accurate and the blue-short... Read more »

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ELECTION LEXICON
Cabinet: Thing you hide behind when a candidate comes round to the back door determined to see if you really are not at home.Constituent: Member of society known to harbour strong emotions of anger, disillusionment, cynicism and revenge.Candidate: Much smaller section of the population known... Read more »

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Demoralised Sinn Féin struggle to top poll
Gerry Adams With the election just weeks away, discredited Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has very good reason to be dejected this weekend. The humiliated boss of his minority republican party seems certain to lead his team of losers to their best ever election result, according to... Read more »

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Kenny “will be involved in campaign”
Enda Kenny by Our Political Staff – Mark O’Really Fine Gael strategists have angered some of the party’s TDs by confirming that Enda Kenny will continue to have a role in the election campaign. Party sources have said that Mr Kenny’s prominence in the election will be strictly... Read more »

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Party Facebook Roundup
     

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New Releases

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POLL OF POLL OF POLLS UPDATE
Compiled by Our Political Staff – Phil Inname    % of newspaper headlines taken up with election polls   % of pointless bar charts, graphs, diagrams stats, etc. on front pages   % of inside pages filled with other worthless graphics   % of readers who are not... Read more »

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ENDA’S ELECTION HITS
The Boss pays tribute to dead music stars on a special GE2016 record The Eagles – Hell Freezes Over (duet with Micheál Martin) The Eagles – One Of These Nights (with Martin Callinan) David Bowie – Rebel Rebel (with Lucinda Creighton) David Bowie – Changes... Read more »

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