Latest from the Blog:

Enda for the Emirates?
By Dion Fanningabout EMBATTLED Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has “no ambition” to succeed Endless Kenny as leader of Fine Gael when he leaves the Emirates misfits. The Frenchman has been hotly tipped recently to take over the Blueshirts, with leading party figures reportedly keen to... Read more »

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Topical Words
dictionary Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week: ‘TUSLA’ The word borrows from the Irish words TÚS (start or beginning) and LÁ (day). So TUSLA can be taken to mean... Read more »

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24 minutes from TUSLA
article default Lyrics by Des Gusting (Whistleblow Music) To be sung à la Gene Pitney in a false set of files. (Surely a “falsetto voice”? – Ed) Dearest Voter, I’m making this call to say that I won’t be in anymore. Cos something happened. To me. While... Read more »

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Fintan Tool: Why, oh why, are our politicians so awful?
By Fintan Tool WE USED to live in the postwar world. And now we live in the post-postwar alien environment where anything can happen. It’s bad enough that all political careers end in failure, but the self-serving behaviour of Fine Gael ministers has been astonishing.... Read more »

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Yes! It’s the new-look ‘Irish Times’
irish-times FOR YEARS, the Irish Times has contained nothing at all of  interest to the younger generation. But all that is about to change. From today, everything in the paper will be directly geared to the millennials (also known as Generation Y, Generation Me, Echo Boomers... Read more »

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ISIS backs the ‘Late Late Show’
GODLESS: Porter and Martin were labelled ‘infidels’ by the Islamic State, which also penned a number of sternly worded complaints to RTÉ THE Islamic State has confirmed it will be using the Valentine’s episode of the Late Late Show to entice new recruits. The group... Read more »

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POLL RESULT: PUBLIC PREFER SIMPLER FIANNA FÁIL SCANDALS
SIMPLER TIMES: The poll showed the public yearned for the days when politicians looked as dodgy as they actually were IN A major boost for Fianna Fáil, the vast majority of Irish people “do not fully understand recent government scandals” and yearn for the “more... Read more »

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RTÉ LEAVES ‘NO PLATE UNTURNED’ IN SEARCH FOR COMEDY TALENT
By Terri Bell-Stuff RTÉ’s comedy entertainment department says the station is determined to “scour every inch of the canteen” in its efforts to unearth new comedy talent to replace the booted Republic of Telly series. “We remain as committed as ever to producing top quality,... Read more »

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Funerals ‘won’t be the same without Republic of Telly’
By A Hearse FUNERAL directors across the nation are appealing to RTÉ to reverse its decision to axe Republic of Telly. One veteran gravedigger in Waterford called for the show to be re-instated. “It showed people there are things worse than death”, he sighed. “But... Read more »

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That Mary Immaculate College timetable in full
12pm: Media studies – how many stories about Rag Week in the paper today? 2pm: Business – calculate costs of repairs to lecture theatre 4pm: Legal studies – getting our stories straight for the guards 12am-3am: Science – practical experiment to see how much drink... Read more »

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
Enda-School A Message from the Principal As another Lent approaches, it’s time for us all to decide what, if anything, we want to give up this year. Obviously, in light of recent events, this is a bigger than usual question for me. Back home in Mayo... Read more »

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LUGGALA ESTATE GUIDE
1. Room where Rolling Stones groupies used to stay 2. Inconsolable Irish Times hacks 3. Someone else who isn’t going to buy the place 4. Handwringing politicians 5. Room full of For Sale signs 6. Members of public bored stiff by whole thing 7. Denis... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
KIM JONG-NAM ENDA KENNY Furtive high-flying lifestyle Furtive high-flying lifestyle Completely mad Completely power mad Used to poisonous atmosphere around him Used to poisonous atmosphere around him Despised by most of his own family Despised by all in the Fine Gael family Victim of vicious... Read more »

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General Flynn’s Favourites
article default Favourite song: Back in the USSR Favourite film: From Russia with love Favourite animal: Trojan Horse Favourite vodka: Smearnoff Favourite job: Drugs Czar Favourite saint: St Peter(sburg)

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O’Neill shocked by Stokes incident
IRELAND soccer manager Martin O’Neill has spoken of his shock at former international Anthony Stokes being forced to pay €230,000 in damages after head-butting an Elvis impersonator in Buck Whaley’s nightclub. “I couldn’t believe he actually hit the target,” said the Irish gaffer. “Normally he... Read more »

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Jesus back for Easter
PEP Guardiola is quietly confident that star striker Jesus will be back from injury around Easter. Reports claimed the Brazilian may miss the rest of the Premier League season with a broken foot but Spanish coach thinks he may have special powers of recovery. “With... Read more »

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Ministers fear the worst over US immigration policy
SWEET DEAL: Top politicians might have to spend Paddy’s Day at low class events in kips like Switzerland and Monaco By Dee Lay of Our Airport Staff AS THE fallout from US President Donald Trump’s new immigration policies continue, worried Irish ministers and civil servants... Read more »

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Mexico to Trump: ‘No way, Jose’
MEXICAN CAVE: The plan to tunnel under the US border is modelled on the work of totally legitimate Mexican businessman Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, pictured here THE Government of Mexico has offered to take in all of the refugees banned by Donald Trump from entering... Read more »

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COME VISIT DONNELLY’S HOLLOW!”
HOLE-Y CRAP: A tourism boss says the hole is visible from space but we’re not sure if she’s talking about Wicklow or Donnelly’s Hollow itself. By J. Unket Our Travel Correspondent Tourism chiefs in Wicklow have encouraged the public to visit the infamous Donnelly’s Hollow... Read more »

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THAT TRUMP TRAVEL BAN (IN FULL)
Note that the following categories will be restricted from entering the United States until further notice: Non American true-blue patriots. Period. Mexican undesirables – even if they’re classy-looking. Totally biased media liars. Nasty. ISIS terrorists. Muslims probably. Bad dudes. All other shifty-looking foreigners. Especially brown... Read more »

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Valentine’s Day Rhymes
To Angela Kerins, my love, I miss the sheerness of your neck, That made you what you are, So sad to see the court decide, You’d stuck it out too far! Love, Shane Ross My Dearest Monk, I chase you here I chase you there,... Read more »

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Robinson: ‘We must stand up to this blowhard’
AIRY FAIRY: Met Éireann warned of fast approaching hot air from the west following Mary Robinson’s speech By Martin Wall of Our Political Staff US PRESIDENT Donald Trump’s immigration ban has been branded “un-American” by ex-Irish president Mary Robinson. Speaking on RTÉ’s Mourning Ireland, Mrs... Read more »

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Spot The Difference
DERMOT DESMOND SEAN DUNNE Enormously rich tycoon Bankrupt enormously rich tycoon Made an absolute fortune Owes an absolute fortune Friends in high places Friends in low places Silly “Kaiser” nickname Silly “Ballsbridge Baron” nickname Stylish silver-grey moustache Stylish blonde wife Swanky Shrewsbury Road house purchase... Read more »

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AMNESTY APPEAL
This is Angela Not long ago Angela was just a normal, everyday worker pushing a pen and earning a modest €240,000 a year plus company car. Then Angela’s little earner came to an end and soon she was out on the street. Angela found herself... Read more »

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Medication Nation Update
Ireland’s most damaging pill(ock)s: Drug Description Side Effects Endacetamol: Sleep-inducing laxative type Delusions of immortality Keanoothyroxine: Highly potent stimulant Terrifying mood swings, facial hair Dannyhealyrazephine: Enhances creativity Black and white vision Shanerossetine: Boosts the ego Paralysis Geldofizone: Restores self-importance Verbal diarrhoea, pain in the arse

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Behind Ireland’s pill-popping epidemic
By Anna Din   RESEARCHERS have revealed the shocking reasons why every Irish adult spends over €50,000 per week on pills (Alarmist nonsense _ Ed) to cope with life. According to Dr Ruth A. Round, of the Authority for Analysis, Research, Study and Examining (AARSE),... Read more »

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HITMEN HUNT ‘RAT’ INFORMER
SPUD DAY’S WORK: Gardai say they’ve seized a large quantity of these powerful handguns that were destined for use by Dublin’s most hardened crims By Our Gangland Staff Paul “Scummer” Williams IN WHAT has been described as the latest development since yesterday’s edition in the... Read more »

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
Enda-School A Message from the Principal Meteorologists may disagree – and so may the weather. But February is upon us and, according to the old Celtic calendar, that means spring has sprung.Time for such ancient Irish traditions as whitewashing walls, letting cattle out to pasture and... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
dictionary An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week – ‘Shortage of greens’ Current shortage of spinach, lettuce, courgettes, broccoli and aubergines due to the poor weather in Spain which produces half of Europe’s vegetables... Read more »

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NOTE FROM EDITOR
article default Hacks, make sure to include the following when writing your Federer pieces. Legend Superstar One of a kind Different to other sports stars in this era Best of all time Humble Tanned Epitomises what sport is all about

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State to probe rugger buggers
KICKED TO TOUCH: These spiffing chaps were positively gutted that they couldn’t read about their mates on the SCT THE GOVERNMENT is to launch an inquiry after a national newspaper failed to publish a full School’s Rugby supplement last week. All of the papers went... Read more »

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Living Space
A new column by Dermot Bannon AS AN architect I am often presented with exciting opportunities to exhibit my creative talents. With this in mind I was overjoyed to learn that the Israeli government wanted me to design a brand new rapid build development in... Read more »

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Donald Trump’s six nations alternative facts
Donald Trump   Scotland game was rigged, bigly They are going to pay for that, I promise Ireland can still win the Grand Slam Johnny Sexton is 100% fit It was a toe injury, not a concussion, definitely not concussion, got that?

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