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Election Poster Roundup
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AK47 SHOCK!
Labour have come under intense pressure to decommission Alan Kelly after the environment minister’s latest bizarre outburst. During a live interview on RTÉ television, Kelly declared that the time had come for him to “realise his destiny” and “lead mankind into the new Age of... Read more »

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A MESSAGE FROM ENDA KENNY
The general election is now in full swing and I know how much you’re all enjoying it. While the country has benefited from an economic upswing of late, it’s important not to forget the most vulnerable in our society – and rest assured, we are... Read more »

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The Wesht Wing
Scene 1: The Alexandra Hotel, Dublin. After a faltering first press conference of the election campaign by Enda Kenny, faceless party strategists call an emergency meeting.Faceless strategist 1: That wasn’t very good, Taoiseach.Kenny: Well, they asked me a question about figures and stuff, which as... Read more »

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The Wesht Wing
Scene 1: Davos. Mingling with guests after taking part in a panel discussion on “global inequality”, Enda Kenny bumps into an old friend.Denis O’Brien: Well done, Taoiseach – you were great.Kenny (checking nervously for cameras before shaking hands): Thanks Denis. I was a bit worried... Read more »

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2016 Six Nations lexicon
Four-year cycle – Build up to World Cup disaster in 2019 Lions selection – Deciding who goes to New Zealand to get hammered by the All Blacks 22 – Number of fans left at Leinster games XV – Number of fans left at Munster games... Read more »

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MARY HANAFIN UNCOVERED

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Refugee Update
Phoenix BW WITH THE news that only 20 asylum seekers from 160,000 applied to live in Ireland, people are asking – what’s wrong with those 20 people? “They must be weirdoes,” said one commentator. “Why anyone would choose to come here is a mystery, they must be... Read more »

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THOSE IRISH OSCAR NOMINATIONS
Best Disaster Movie Actress: Joan Burton for The PollsBest Tragicomic Lead: Leo Varadkar for Health WatchBest Ignored Performance: Leinster Rugby team for Turning UpGreatest Animation Film: Teresa Mannion for Stay IndoorsBest Keep Silent Movie Director: Denis O’Brien for The LettersGreatest Grovelling Performance: Michael Noonan for... Read more »

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Putin pins blame on Steven Avery
RUSSIAN POLICE have made contact with the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department as they investigate the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006. The ex-KGB agent was poisoned and an inquiry in England found that Russian president Vladimir Putin ‘probably’ approved the assassination. But having... Read more »

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IN MEMORY OF GLENN FREY
Phoenix BW So farewell then Glenn FreyGuitarist with the EaglesYou soared so highMy dad says he saw you Backstage in 1974 As a teen He swears it was the best Fight He has ever seen

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Palin’s pro-Trump speech
“Hey! Right! Hallelujah! Let’s hear it for Donny Trump. Yessiree! It’s so good to be right here with all you God-fearing Republican folk in Red Neck, Arizona. Yeah – let’s shoot some turkey. Welcome to my world. It’s a darn sight safer with Donald here... Read more »

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Tennis rocked by new scandal
The world of sport was reeling last night as fresh claims emerged that dozens of players in the upper echelons of tennis may be under the influence of “massive doses” of a performance boosting substance during matches. Many of the game’s household names are said... Read more »

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ALL-PURPOSE ELECTION LEAFLET
Pictured during my recent successful trade trip to Tokyo Dear constituent You may not remember me – I last called to your door five years ago. As I recall, you weren’t in on that occasion either. Since being elected as your TD, I have been active in a number of key areas, including climate... Read more »

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REASONS ENDA KENNY HASN’T CALLED THE ELECTION YET
Enda Kenny Not used to doing something without being instructed first by Angela Merkel Still has to finish season five of Homeland Can’t work up nerve to defend austerity Too excited about Guns N’ Roses reunion Still room for more bullshit in manifesto        ... Read more »

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FORM A GOVERNMENT
Advertisement  It’s the bored game no one’s talking about! In this exciting new game, you play a highly-paid party adviser with one challenge – forming a government in the aftermath of the election, at any cost! Use your negotiating skills to come to the best... Read more »

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PLANET 9 UPDATE
Phoenix BW Louth County Council says it is “following with interest” reports of a possible ‘ninth planet’ existing in Earth’s solar system, as it attempts to relocate Traveller families it recently evicted. Said a council spokesman, “Certainly the planet would seem to provide ample space for play... Read more »

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Fitzgerald calls for calm
Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald has called for “reason and calm” amidst the ongoing controversy over GSOC and gardaí accessing journalists’ phone records. “We need a proper perspective here,” the minister is alleged to have told a close friend on the phone, according to a man... Read more »

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Apartment Wanted
Apartment measuring 15 sq m. Bed must be no more than 5cm from door, and ceiling no more than 4ft from floor. Contact Alan at Dept of Environment.  

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JOHN DELANEY LATEST
LABOUR SUPPORTERS say they are shocked that FAI boss John Delaney is backing their candidate in Tipperary, Minister Alan Kelly. The soccer chief hit the streets of the Premier County with the TD, urging voters to get behind his friend in the upcoming election. “He... Read more »

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O’Sullivan reassures on phone records
Phoenix BW In her latest bid to allay public concerns over access to phone records by gardaí and other state bodies, Garda Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan has insisted that her organisation would only access private citizens’ records “in cases of extreme necessity”. “An Garda Síochána has no interest... Read more »

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The David Bowie I didn’t know
Like everyone else who didn’t know David Bowie, I knew him in a very special way that can only happen by knowing someone intimately through his music. To me, of course, the kind of relationship I shared with David was all the more meaningful for... Read more »

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More GSOC revelations
GSOC agents who snooped on a number of Independent News & Media journalists came across a plot to flood the front pages with the latest celebrity gossip that ‘you need to know’. Expecting to uncover details of hidden political agendas, the agents were shocked to... Read more »

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“My phone was not hacked,” admits shocked journalist
Phoenix BW by Our Security Staff, Conor Doolally A prominent journalist who cannot be named for legal reasons admitted last night that his telephone had not been hacked by gardaí at any stage over the past year. “When I found myself not being arrested at dawn, I immediately... Read more »

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NO CUTS TO ELECTION SPENDING, ASSURES TAOISEACH
As the election nears, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has assured voters that there will be no cuts to campaign spending by the Fine Gael party. “We have a modest E2bn war-chest and we’ll be using it wisely,” said Mr Kenny. “People can rest assured that there... Read more »

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Concern mounts over rise in extremists
Two of the extremists on the Garda watchlist By Joky Corcoran Shocking results from the latest Millward Frown poll suggest that Irish people are becoming increasingly concerned about the number of extremists in their midst. In particular, alarm has grown about the prominence of the so-called Fine Gael organisation, headed up by the... Read more »

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Noonan and Howlin salute themselves
by Our Political StaffMartin Woeful The two ministers at the Department of Finance have paid tribute to each other, saying that their close personal relationship has been the key to Ireland’s continuing economic recovery. Announcing the latest Exchequer returns yesterday, Michael Noonan and Brendan Howlin... Read more »

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‘I WASTED NO TIME IN SOURCING HELICOPTER,’ INSISTS TAOISEACH
Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vehemently dismissed criticism of his government’s response to the country’s flood crisis, and insists it “reacted as quickly as possible” to the unfolding disaster. “I had scarcely finished my post-breakfast crossword before calling someone who knows who to ring for the... Read more »

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Renua Latest
Renua Ireland yesterday unveiled its 2016 election manifesto. The glossy full-colour 2-page document outlined the new party’s positions on a wide range of political issues, including taxation, crime and redressing the gender balance in government. “To kick-start the economy, we will bring in a compulsory... Read more »

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Is there too much about 1916 in the media?
Phoenix BW by Our Fever Staff Phil Space Is there too much coverage of the 1916 centenary in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has just asked me to address in this latest 900-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the historic commemorations. However,... Read more »

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CALLS FOR NEW QUOTA
POLICITICANS FROM all the major political parties have dismissed calls for the introduction of a ‘clean candidates’ quota. An international democracy observation body has called for Ireland to ensure that 30 per cent of candidates running in local and general elections are not corrupt. However,... Read more »

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UN TO ACT AGAINST NORTH KOREA
In response to North Korea’s latest nuclear test, the UN Security Council is gearing up to implement “significant” punitive measures against the Pyongyang government. In a statement released yesterday, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon warned North Korea that the UN would be re-issuing a new resolution... Read more »

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New Year’s Resolutions
Teresa Mannion Towards the end of last year I discovered the joy of swimming and I would like to improve my strokes in deep water, especially as I believe that, with the help of Government policy, swimming will become an increasingly common activity in Ireland in the... Read more »

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